Workshop titled "The Spirit of the 12 Steps" in Santa Fe, NM

Where will I find my sense of ease and comfort

when I run to the arms of my creator? Hell no. I want to go shopping. I'm going to find me a man. I'm going to have some sexy poo. I'm going to eat. I'm going to get really busy watching lots of movies. I'm going to put off that inventory. I'm going to put off those amines. I'm going to whatever, you know,

I want to go rest in the arms of my father. That's work, man.

Don't you see me all the time? Spiritual life is not easy. It is not for wimps. It is hard

and yes it is.

Yes it is. It's hard telling the truth when I want to lie,

especially if it's going to interfere with what I want.

It's hard going to that meeting when I don't feel like it. It's hard saying yes when I want to say no.

This really Isabelle's sacrifice. I don't want to go write that inventory. I really want to enjoy my resentment. You know, because they're wrong.

I I really want to retaliate.

I like to circle the wagons and retaliates.

I don't want to be uncomfortable in my own skin. Let me get on the phone and call somebody. I don't want to sit here quietly in prayer.

I you know, I'm hurting right now. I think I'll go find a man. I'm. It doesn't occur where you're married, Val.

Not a good idea to go scamming some strange, you know,

But that's what I used to do,

you know, more comfort seekers by nature. I don't want to look at what's going on.

I'd rather go find some strange, but I can't do that today. I pay a horrible price, horrible price. If I do that, it's not worth it.

The the suffering that I have gone through because that has been an option in the past is unbearable.

The price is too hot. I can't do that.

So the things that I used to go to, to find ease and comfort sober that are not God are slowly being taken away.

And that's a bit of a place to be. Mary was talking about that a little bit last night. Except my last hold out of my cigarettes. Oh, I got cigarettes. Still not giving those up. But I mean, really, ultimately it's just slowly and slowly being whittled away, whittled away, whittled away

my dependencies on anything other than my creator, you know, and I get around my heroes in a A and and realize just how far I still have to go. I used to say to Don, when am I going to get there? I just want to get there where everything's, you know, comfy, cozy,

too much conflict. My mind isn't making me crazy all the time

there. The spiritual Nirvana.

And he said to me, he goes, there is no there.

He keeps letting me down with the truth, you know,

there is no there. So, you know, because I always wanted to get there, you know, a place where I'm just insulated from life, you know? And then I started to understand where my favorite talks that he ever gave was in.

It's either in Tennessee, I think I was in Kentucky, was in Kentucky, I think in Lexington. But I heard him talking from the podium and he was talking about, I don't understand where the hell he was saying, but he said I am a spiritual being

having a human experience. And ever since I woke up to that fact,

I have been of the mindset, bring it on, bring it all on, bring on all the pain, the joy, the sorrow, the fun. Bring it on, 'cause I am a spiritual being having a human experience. I'm like, what does that mean?

I don't get it. Now I understand what he's talking about. Or actually, let me put I've just begun to understand what he's talking about.

I don't even think I fully understand it, but I guess it'll show itself when it does. But I've started to understand what that means.

So bring it on. You know, I'm just not afraid of life. Used to, you know, ignore my life. I don't want to pay attention to it because that involves responsibility,

that involves caring about things, that involves me giving myself and not thinking about myself all the time. I pay attention.

So anyway, so we've got to have this psychic change, guys. Got to do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't, you know, fix my marriage. I can't fix my relationships. I can't fix my relationship with my son. I don't know how to be a mother. I don't know how to be a wife. I don't know how to be a daughter. I don't know how to be a sister. I don't know how to be an effectively sponsor. I don't know how to be an honest sponsee. You know, I like to lie to my sponsor because this is what I want you to think of me. So caught up in that. I need your approval

because you might fire me if you knew how sick I really am. You know what I mean? I had something to prove. Don't you think I'm okay?

And then I know that you're not.

Yeah, that all know.

But you know, we like to lie to ourselves. Our capacity, my capacity for self deception is just incredible.

She's incredible.

I love this. The psychopaths, when they're talking about, they start to describe the types of drinkers. I'm like, that's me, that's me. I'm a psychopath and I'm proud. You know, it's like the badge of honor. You're a psychopath,

which is kind of sad, but it's kind of pathetic to find for being a psychopath for that to be your badge of honor. And today what it means is is a little bit different. How it's been explained to me today how they define psychopath and how it's defined back then or

different. But this is me. I'm absolutely emotional unstable.

No doubt

you have emotionally unstable and I'm always

making decisions. I love this over remorse where I make many resolutions but never a decision.

That is B to the TI am a wimp. J Elkins. He describes himself as a little weasel. I love that I'm a weasel. I'm a pathetic little weasel. Carnival manipulator,

wimpy, wambly wambly. You know, I make, I make many resolutions, but I don't make a decision because that requires effort, that requires work. Spiritually lazy, emotionally and mentally, mentally lazy.

I just want to give in to me or you know, I think I shared some of this last night, Don saying we quit trying to steal my experience. You're such a thief. Follow the directions, have your own, you know, quit because I used to pair it this, you know, I was giving Don's talk.

When I talk, I give his talk,

not my own kiss. And so I quit stealing my experience. Go have your own,

you know, step out,

step out, take some action here. And you know, I'm eternally grateful for him because he helped me get a relationship with my creator and start getting my dependence on my creator because I wanted to put my dependence on him because I loved him so much and I wanted what he had. I wanted to be just like him.

I wanted to be a little miniature dog

and which is crazy. It's crazy.

There can never be another Dawn, but that's what I wanted. You know what I mean? I don't know how to describe it like that. And my sponsorship before that was, you know, go here, do this running my life. And I never really started to develop that relationship with a, with my creator starting to trust that small voice within. And he really forced me to do that.

He wouldn't let me worship him at all, which was kind of frustrating because I really wanted to, but he wouldn't let me do it. And I'm eternally grateful for that,

you know, and they start to describe, you know, some of the different types of Alcoholics. And a lot of times I see big book people get caught up and that's all there is. But it says this and many other types. So there's many other types of Alcoholics, you know, and of course I love to hang on the

the manic depressive type who is perhaps the least understood by his friends and about whom a whole chapter could be written. That's me. Because that makes me extra special.

I'm the least understood.

A whole nother chapter could be written about what's wrong with me. You know, that kind of thing. That's me.

But it says all these and many others have one symptom in common. They cannot start drinking without developing the phenomena of craving. So it's not about my circumstances, it's not about my consequences, which is what I always used to define my alcoholism.

It's what happens when I put alcohol into my body. Well, what happens is I have another drink

and then I have another drink. The idea of one or two is not even remotely appealing to me.

Not at all.

I like to be slapped, tore up. As a friend of mine said in Georgia,

flap tore up. They used to say, let's get slapped tore up and go handsome olive and ditch. I'm like, what did you just say? I'm going to hire a bitch? What Hammond hogs in a ditch is what they were saying. So what you do is down on the farm

is they got these ditches, you grease up in between your legs, they let the hog run through and you try to catch them. That's how you know how we're going to do it. It's fun, especially when you're broke.

Hammer hog in a ditch.

They used to climb trees. Have climbing the tree races and all that stuff. Anyway,

I, I don't know what I saw, so the idea of having one drink isn't even appealing to me. I don't even understand that. I don't even get that. I really don't. I remember trying to get my mom drunk one time because she deserved it. I took her out for Mother's Day and and I liked to drink some champagne sometimes because, you know, sometimes it was a fun drunk 'cause you all giddy and bubbly and stuff

and most fun. I was a liquor drinker. I liked liquor and but champagne was fine once in a while. Made me feel all girly on the inside. And anyways, I'm taking my mom and my momma's a girly girl and you know, it would be horrendous to her how I'm dressed today that I don't have my hair did in the makeup. On she went. She's a good Southern woman. You don't leave the house without that stuff in place

anyway. She

So I'm taking her out on Mother's Day and we ordered a bottle of champagne. No, I wanted to order a bottle. She didn't want a bottle. Oh, no, just what I'm buying. We can have a bottle. Excuse me. I'll have a glass of champagne. So she has her glass on. Like when she's about halfway down, like you're ready for another one, you know, before it's done. Let's get another one in place. We don't want to wait.

And she's like, no, I'm like, come on, mom, do it. It's Mother's Day. Won't lose. Have some fun. Does it feel good?

I mean, because I love the drunk on champagne, but she that doesn't happen to her,

she does. That is not the experience that she has.

I mean, and we here talked about that area all the time. They start to feel like they're losing control and they don't like that feeling. They just don't like it. And I don't, I don't understand that. I really don't. And with my drinking, it's like I start to get one or two in my system. I'm starting to feel really good. Things are starting to make sense in my life. It's I'm ready to make start making some decisions

and yeah, that's great. I'm ready to start to go. The problem is I start drinking I and I get to there and then I overshoot that mark and I overshot it all the time. I at one point I was keeping a journal because I wanted to start journaling

when I got to there. So I would have the perfect recipe for there and then I would just follow that recipe

and it just didn't work. That always overshoot. And then the journal became secondary and I'd stop writing in my journal about the magic that I was writing down about what I was drinking or what I was taking. And I, that was my favorite thing was to try different combinations of stuff because I'm going to find the thing that gets me there. Well, I don't go crazy. Why don't get into trouble. I don't start, you know, making a mess

because when you start making a mess and people start getting on you about it,

I mean, you know, people are watching you and it starts to become uncomfortable. And then you got to leave that situation or that group of friends or you got to start going somewhere else to drink. I mean, it's just, it's a lot of work. I just want to get there and be OK and not create complete havoc so I can get there every day

without all the consequences.

And God knows if I could that that's where I'd be probably

anyway. So that's what happens to me. I developed this phenomenon of craving

and and it differentiates me from normal drinks drinkers and sets me apart as a distinct entity.

I'm just different when it comes to alcohol. I just something different happens to me when I put alcohol into my body that doesn't happen to non Alcoholics and that's it.

It's not complicated, that is it.

But that's a nasty little condition that I got,

some nasty serious little disease, little problem that I got.

And most chronic Alcoholics are doomed. We are

CNA all the time.

Most of us don't make it. Most of us die

and I don't mean to seem callous about that. I've seen so many past drunk that don't stay.

They just, they don't stay.

That's why it's so important we carry the the message of Alcoholics Anonymous and that we continue to help other Alcoholics. I look around Alcoholics and honest Alcoholics and honest who's been around what, 70 years?

Most of the people that are in my Home group and in meetings that I go to, most are mark, 20 plus years,

30 plus years.

They're the minority

of an NAA. Most people that I see in a A today between one and seven years

I old timers should far outnumber newcomers, but they don't.

Where'd they go?

I know where they've gone. I see it happen all the time.

Alcoholics

step. We're still kind of running around with that.

So. So you're talking about psychic change. Got to have more than human power. Everything that I can bring to bear isn't enough to solve my problem. To solve my dilemma,

I I like what I used to hear. I got a mind that doesn't work and a body that won't die.

It's a heck of a place to be.

Another thing that really helped me get clear on my alcoholism was at the bottom of 20, whatever that is,

and it's talking about the lessons. They took a drink a day or so prior to the date, and then the phenomena of craving at once became paramount to all other interests so that the important appointment was not met. I kind of went backwards, didn't I? But that's all right.

And, and that helped me to define my alcoholism because there were plenty of times that I had commitments or I was supposed to be somewhere.

And I started drinking and that absolutely became more important than being where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to do.

And that's throughout my drinking career, throughout my life.

Yeah, that's all I'm going to say about that.

We talked about the different types of Alcoholics. The chronic Alcoholics are doomed. Not that we really care. Most of us want to die anyway.

We do. It's like death doesn't scare us, didn't scare me.

It scare me a little bit sober in the sense that I didn't. I'd woken up enough where I didn't want to die in ugly death anymore,

and I knew that there was something different. So,

you know, an alcoholic death was not appealing to me anymore because of just how we live before that happens.

The stuff that that follows that where he talks about it. Doctor Silkworth talks about his experience with a couple of Alcoholics. I totally identify with that. The thing that really sticks out to me

in in a couple places there is over and over again they talk about he accepted the plan outlined in the book. He became sold on the ideas here. And the reality is, if you're not convinced that you're an alcoholic of the hopeless variety, you're just not going to do this stuff. It's too much work,

you know, and unless you are desperate, as desperate can be, why would you want to do this shit? You know what I'm saying? Why would you want to go to meetings? Have it interrupt your life?

Start helping newcomers.

Start getting commitments where people expect you to show up. Start having to go to work and be there on time and be a responsible member of society in the community. Stay legal. You know what's appealing about that?

You know, we were talking so it's so funny. I love Alcoholics because we like danger, you know what I mean? It's like danger, danger Will Robinson danger. And we're like, yeah, what is it? You know, we're ready to report for duty with. We like stuff that's dangerous, like to live on the edge a lot. I

But do I admit that I'm hopeless and do I accept the plan outlined in the book and with pretty much without reservation? I mean, I'll bitch and whine and have done that, but do I accept the plan or do I have a better idea? As long as I have a better idea, I'm not going to do this and my experience confirms that of going in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous

for 10 years, being in a A for 3 1/2 years

and I was not willing to do what you guys did. Not willing at all. I'd rather run around a A and just don't drink and go to meetings and go run and play.

So I didn't want to change everything or have everything changed that I didn't want that. I wasn't willing to pay that price because there's definitely a price to pay here.

And they talk about. However, he did become sold on the ideas contained in this book. You know, am I sold on the ideas? Am I willing? So those are all questions. And, and because of the desperate place that I was in, I was like, absolutely, I'll do whatever you tell me to do.

If I am working with somebody, you know, one of the questions that I asked them if I'm convinced their alcoholic is do you want to live? Because if you don't want to live, then I understand feeling that way. But do you want to live?

And are you willing to go to any length to do this?

And if they say I think so,

I'm like, we're not ready.

Every person that I have worked with that says I think I am has not been willing to do this.

Every, not one exception, the people, that's been my experience, the people will ask, are you willing to do this? And they're like, absolutely. I'm terrified and I don't know what's going to happen. But yeah, I'm willing to do it. They've all done it,

all of them. So I listen really carefully now to what people are saying, and Donnie should tell me all the time, don't throw your pearls before swine. Which is kind of a nasty saying, kind of because it says swine, yeah. And pearls and swine, whatever. So it's also a little JC for me. But I mean, I love baby Jesus and all,

but at the time it was a little, you know, biblical for me.

But

but I understand what he's saying today. Don't waste your time in our book talks about that too. If, if they don't want what you have, don't waste your time. Leave the door open, but move on. Go find somebody else that is willing to do what you do that's willing to do this because they're out there and their life depends upon it, just like my life depends upon it. That's why it's vitally important to me and my Home group too, that we're we're talking about a message of Alcoholics Anonymous because I know

that the alcoholic who walks in their life depends upon them hearing a solid message.

They not may not be ready to hear it, but it's important that that it's talked about.

So, So Bill's story, I loved that and I identified with it completely. And Camille had me go through the 1st 8 pages and I was surprised that I identified as much as I did. But she had me go through the 1st 8 pages and you know where were identified with how Bill felt, fought or drank.

And it was a lot of it. I had ominous warnings that I failed to heed.

I fancied myself a leader. I was always I'm definitely one of those people that goes to work and after like 2 days of being there, I know how to run that company better than anybody and they might as well give them the boot because I got plans and I got ideas. That got me fired at 12 years, by the way,

that kind of arrogance. 12 years sober. I'm working a job that I loved, that I really love to do, and I was not going to follow the rules, not going to do it, was not going to comply with conditions at work because I was going to do it my way because my way is better. Look, I'm your top producing sales manager. Obviously, what I'm doing is better than what you've got in mind. I think you all need to change your corporate philosophy and bring it over to my way of thinking

and everything will be fine. And I got fired for that,

and rightfully so.

Rightfully so. It was devastating, but it was great. It was a great experience for me. But I, I got leveled, which was what needed to happen.

But I that's me. I absolutely fancy myself a leader. I'm going to rule the world. And this piece in here about, I think it's on the next page about proving to the world the drive for success was on. I proved to the world I was important and and that's me. Just no power,

no power whatsoever. But wanting to be somebody. And for a long time I thought, well,

I think that's why I got involved in some of the industries that I got involved in. I worked with musicians in Atlanta and worked with artists find, you know, painters and sculptors and fine art photographers, because what I perceived with them was power because of their fame. So I'm going to steal that from them

and because that's what I wanted for myself and I don't have that kind of stuff going on, so I'm going to steal it from you. I'm just going to get it from osmosis, from hanging around with you and running with you and playing with you.

But that need to be important to prove to the world I'm important. Money was everything to me, Everything. I defined everything by how much money I had or how much the money the man I was with had.

And I have learned in sobriety by having nothing, by being stripped of everything, that I'm not my car, I'm not my job, I'm not my money,

I'm not who I know, I'm not who my sponsor is. Because if I lose any of that, who am I?

And when I lost it all, I didn't know because I did it several times. It took twice, didn't learn it the first time, had to lose it twice. So I know, I know you can stay sober through anything because I have been in the position of no car, no job, no money, no place to live, all my stuff in little green garbage bags, living on people's sofas.

It's a humbling experience, but I absolutely found my identity

and all of those things, and that's how I defined myself was by what I had, because that's how I thought you were defining me too, because that's how I defined you.

So I thought that's how you looked at me.

I didn't care if you're an asshole. If you had a lot of money, I'm your friend,

really.

So that kind of stuff,

when you when you run around with this desire to be important and to prove to the world that you're important, that's what it looked like for me. There's real phony stuff. A huge phony

and and there's just a ton of stuff in here. Though my drinking was not yet continuous to disturb my wife, my drinking wasn't continuous. Disturb my family discerned my husband, disturb my friends, my family members. Everybody was disturbed by my drinking at different points

and unrecovered. They're disturbed by how I live when I was sober for that 3 1/2 years or dry.

Most people were disturbed by how I was living. I ran with the sick crowd in a a I was an active thief. I also thought that

prostitution was a good idea sober, and I was just doing stuff that I'd never done drunk.

You know, I'd run into stores I love Nordstrom 'cause they had great customer service policy and I took advantage of that fully. I'd go steal at one, drive 30 miles down the road, take it back, get cash back.

Loved it

sober

sober as a judge, going to a meeting every day with a sponsor in name only. My favorite kind. You know, because they don't get into your business and start directing you.

So my life can be disturbing, drunk or sober.

What else is in here? I don't know. I just went through it. I identified with it totally. I found a tremendous amount of hope with

the stuff that Bill Wilson talked about in regards to his recovery.

I mean, just great directions, like on page 12, you know, talking about choose your own conception of God. It's only a matter of being willing to believe. That was key for me when I got to my really angry spots over when I was really angry,

God, and I was being asked to settle that stuff aside and just be willing. Is it possible that I'm wrong? Am I just willing to believe that there might be a loving Creator out there and that the guy wasn't doing this to me?

But something really like when they talk about the flimsy Reed that was me with guy was a very flimsy read to me. That belief, that faith, that understanding was a very flimsy, but that nothing more was required of me that I could start growing from that point.

I used to think I had to have a lot of knowledge before I could start to trust and rely upon God. I went on a little intellectual pilgrimage and could try to get my hands on everything I could possibly read about the nature of God. And I mean, I was reading The Dalai Lama and

Christian

Mysticism,

metaphysical stuff. I even tried to delve into Plato. Now that was fun.

That's way over my head. So but just trying to find an answer. But again, I when I look back on that, not that there's anything wrong with that, but I was trying to gain knowledge in order to control my creator. If I understand it, I can control it. And that's, that's what I was trying to do. And what is behind that was just desperation for an answer,

just driven, just an internal desperate.

And I guess I was a necessary part of my path. And what I found today is there, you know, there's just nothing to know. Just show up and do what we do and the rest will come.

But just desperately wanting to understand and just wanting relief.

So just simple stuff. And I love this. This was I convinced that God is concerned with us humans when we want him to enough. That kind of stuff used to piss me off.

I'd, I'd read that when we want him enough. Well, if God's all loving and everything, why doesn't he just make it easy for me? You know, why can't he just poof me or something, You know, why can't he just remove all the doubt? Just let me know that God's there. I was famous for praying for signs. I mean sign, praying for signs

and I mean if the wind blew S it was a sign

having me out here. And I had a a blast at the Taj Mahal last night at the Taj Mahal, which is Tom Amani's place, and got picked up this morning by the little Roadrunner,

Tony. Yeah, Tony Blankenship.

He was. He's the father, I'm the child. He's the director,

I'm the agent. I did not like the nature of that relationship

at all. I looked up the word

discipline because it was in the 11th step. I got really hot about that one.

Discipline means

a systematic way to obtain obedience.

I don't like that at all. I mean, that just goes against my very

nature. I, you know, I just want to be a free spirit, you know,

don't oppress me, that kind of stuff. I'm oppressed, but I just didn't like the nature of that relationship. I want God's help and I want God's help on my terms in a way that I understood and could control.

And it just wasn't happening that way.

And, and I love this. You know, there been a, the real significance of my experience at the bottom of 12, the real significance of my experience in the cathedral burst upon me for a brief moment. I needed and wanted God, and I've had those brief moments in my life.

There have been a humble willingness to have them with me. Andy Kane. Oh shit. But soon the sense of his presence

have been blotted out by worldly clamorous, mostly those within myself. And that's the that's me to a tee. I got a lot of worldly clamors. Got to be, got to do. Got to get

got to look good. Everybody needs to love me. I got to make a lot of money. I got to drive a nice car. My man's got to be hot.

I mean, whatever. I got to be a good A, a, got to be Miss, A a

umm, those are all worldly flammers. All of them got to be important, got to be well respected.

Umm, it's all worldly clamors and they're going on on a regular basis, and the only thing that quiets them down for me is prayer and being quiet and actively working with other drunks. It's the only thing I mean besides, you know, doing what I need to do to make sure my house is clean and my amends are made

is active work with other Alcoholics and prayer and meditation. It's the only thing that that removes that driving force within me,

the bad vow,

the evil vow, the dangerous vow,

which I like to let her come out and play sometimes, but but then we

have to tuck her away pretty quick.

But sometimes it's fun

and I love the directions that are down here on On 13, I was to sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems as he would have me. That's hard to do.

Most of the time. What I want to do is call somebody and have you fix me.

I want to talk it out with somebody and I want them to give me the magic mojo

and make it better. And not that there's anything wrong with that, but when my sole reliance is on another human being all the time, then I'm never really sitting quietly and going to God and asking for that guy in its indirection and then discussing it with somebody else.

My response was always to go to you first.

I used to and how I started getting practice with that was I asked God to show me how to live that way. So what happened is I started and that's, you know, if you started asking God to show you stuff, get ready because it's coming. Well said. I get into these bonds and I do my normal thing, which is start picking up the phone looking for relief from another person.

And nobody was there.

Every person I called, voicemail, voicemail, voicemail. I was like, don't think, no, it's me calling. And

yeah, well, it's probably

I'm a delicate flower. Don't hurt my feelings.

Clearly probably God probably told them no. But it so it forced me to start going into prayer and sitting quietly and asking for direction, asking for guidance. So it's, it's good stuff, but it's, it has been hard for me to practice because I naturally want to go outside of myself for an answer,

not go within for an answer.

Um, and sometimes it seems to me that I can get an instant answer, instant relief by going outside myself. It seems like sometimes a spiritual path is a little longer. Rd.

It's not, you know, instant relief. And I like instant relief

and I like the promises that are on the bottom of 13. My friend promised that when these things were done, I would enter upon a new relationship with my creator. And that was good because the old one I had wasn't working. It was pretty negative, pretty angry that I would have the elements of a way of living which answered all my problems. And that was drilled into my head. All means all,

no Gray area. We submit everything to the circle and triangle

everything. You got financial problems? Circle and triangle. You got sex problems? Circle and triangle. You got relationship problems? Submit it. Everything gets submitted. Every area of my life. I don't get to pick and choose. Like I can hide from God, like I'm going to go hide behind the Bush. He won't see me here. Yeah,

but I didn't get to pick, pick and choose which areas of my life I was going to surrender. It was absolutely

throw it all out there and umm, it'll go whatever, throw it all out there.

Belief in the power of God pleas enough willingness, honesty and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things where the essential requirements simple. And this program is simple, although for a long time it seemed very complicated to me.

Simple, but not easy. Very, very true.

Very true,

a price had to be paid and meant destruction of self centeredness. I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all.

You know, I used to tell Don, I don't know if you know, I called Don. I told him that I was going to start working on myself. Esteem issues,

they can go over very well.

He's like, what are you talking about? Did I do that right?

Well, if it's not right,

he said, this is about dying to self completely. We don't worry about self esteem issue here. It's a non issue.

This is about entirely getting rid of self. You don't have to worry about self esteem and building self esteem. The goal here is to have no image of self whatsoever.

Another way to put that to me is my insides match my outsides. Another way to put it, Elkins puts it this way, is becoming transparent.

That's the that's my goal, to become as transparent parent as as possible before I leave this earth. God knows if that'll ever happen, but that's my goal.

Umm, so anyway,

at the bottom of this 14 and they I love this because from the very beginning of the book, the thing that they talk about most and it's all throughout the book over and over and over and over again, they tell you go help other drunks, go help other drunks,

go help them. That's your job. You're awake. Go help them. Donnie say all the time my sobriety is not for me, it is for you.

And I didn't understand that for a long time either. I just thought that was some nice spiritual thing that he said today. I understand what he's talking about a little a little more. I'm a little less self-centered, but it says particularly was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me

without works was dead and that that was the work. I used to say to Don, I'm getting ready to go through the work. He's like, what do you mean you're getting ready to go through the work? The work is helping other Alcoholics. That's the work.

The steps get you spiritually fit to go do the real work of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is helping another drunk you know Don't sit in your house and workshops in Naval gays.

Put rags on what you've learned. Go have an experience with what you've learned.

I used to get so technical with the big Book. He's like, you know, and I had all kinds of workbooks and all kinds of stuff and work looking up every word and just getting anal retentive with any sick kids. You're missing the experience. You're getting so lost in the technicality of what the big book says that you're missing the experience. Could put this stuff into action. Put some legs on this stuff. See if it's really true.

Go have an experience with these directions.

Get out of your head

and which was great advice for me because that's what I had started to do. That's what I was doing.

So, faced without the work of helping other Alcoholics, is dead.

It's gone baby, gone dead.

And how appallingly true for the alcoholic. For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self sacrifice for others, he could not survive these certain trials and low spots ahead. They are going to happen. Life is going to come to visit

and and that has been my experience. I've been carried through amazing, seemingly tragic things in sobriety,

and the thing that has held me together is working with other Alcoholics. When they say that working with drunks works when nothing else does, it is very true. I am at my best, my very best, when I'm sitting down one-on-one with another alcoholic, Sharon. Our experience, strength and hope. That is when I'm at my best

one-on-one

and they held me to tow the line.

It's hard for me to talk out of both sides of my mouth. If I'm talking to you about living an honest life, it's kind of hard for me to maintain a dishonest one on the side.

You got to start telling a whole lot of lies in order to do that. And then you get, we get really spiritually and I've done it and got really spiritually sick again, had to get honest, get humbled, all that stuff.

And, you know, if it weren't for the women I sponsor, you know, I don't know.

You know, when my, my sponsor died, Floyd got home from work. They were all there. All of them were at my home.

I couldn't do anything but just sit there really. But they were there and they didn't try to change me or make it better or anything else. They just sat with me and,

you know, and they, they just, they were just there

and they were there because they loved on and they loved me and they knew how much I loved Don. And that's the fellowship. That is, that's, that's what they're talking about. When this is something you must not miss.