The Santa Barbara Action Participation Meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous

Please join me in welcoming tonight's main speaker, DeAndre M from Glendale.

My name is DeAndre and I'm an alcoholic.

Wow, we are really moving in the groove. And I am not going to stop talking when that goddamn bell rings either.

Good to be sober. I want to thank whoever you. What's your name again, Jan,

for inviting me to speak by way of one of my old Smotsies that has recently dumped my ass. Josh

so I'm glad he booked this gig before he told me to go to hell. I I also want to welcome the new people, new people there. I saw a lot of new people on the break when I walked up. See new people floating around. This program does not work without new people. Alcoholics have been staying sober for years

but without this new people thing we don't stand a chance of keeping a a going. Now. My sobriety date is May the 29th, 1991.

If you're too new to add that up, that's a little over 17 years of sobriety and I'm grateful to be sober. I got, I got sober in a place called Warm Springs Rehabilitation Center

and before I got there I grew up in a town called Watts. As you can see, there are some similarities with Ray. Ray and I.

He is from Captain. I am from what? So no pun intended there. I'm sorry. I We. We. We

supposed to look at the similarities rather than the differences. And my different ass showed up at that rehab pathetically ill and very, very out of it. I didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of it. I was pretty much a dead man talking. And what happened to me in that rehab is a a they have. They had no problem introducing us to this program.

We went to meetings all day long. And I loved the meetings. The minute I went in there, I was like, wow, this is great, you know? And then people started talking about total abstinence

and that kind of screwed me up a little bit. I mean, I always like to talk. I always like to pontificate on feeling and go through a lot of things and, and, and discussion. We're going to discuss things,

particularly our Drunkolog. And I just thought that was great, sitting up all night talking about how we couldn't manage and control something that was going to inevitably kill us. Yippee. What a great time, you know? And, and that's what they did in there. And I like that. I just like, it's just sitting up. Yeah. We are going to talk about how drunk we got and who's doing it to us, you know, and looking out and, and seeing all of you people here. I want to thank my friends who came, who come up here with me.

I don't go and speak alone

because I'm very arrogant and I don't know how to fight. So

I might start a little trouble tonight. I'm, I'm a stickler. I've been sober since my first meeting so far. So that's primarily what this picture is going to be about, about how to not leave here, you know, and, and what happened in that rehab and, and dealing with this, this recovery thing, it just sort of scared me a little bit because they really were talking about not drinking,

you know, and when I was new, it just seemed like they were always talking about how I was thinking. I had no idea that these people were really talking about staying sober, you know, And then I heard one cat say, I'm here saying sober one day at a time. And I thought to myself, well, shit, that means we can get loaded tomorrow then. Shit, you know, So the heat's off a little bit and, and what I'm always looking for a drink in the situation

now I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll sit in, in, in, in, in play games with you. But the bottom line is, without a psychic change,

anybody got any alcohol on them? I mean, when we're all done talking. And what happened is I left that rehab and I went to a little town called Lancaster, CA.

And much like the sea of you here tonight,

it always feel good to represent the black community so well. And that I, in the winter went to Lancaster and I met a man there named Dennis Lee. And he he caught me after a meeting and he started talking to me about the first three steps in our program.

And I told him that not only did I probably need a sponsor, but I had already done steps 1-2 and three in rehab. I had completed my step packet,

so I really, I really didn't need to get in too far into this thing that ended the flying blind period because I wasn't, I could see clearly now that the alleged pain was gone, you know, And he continued to talk to me and he told me some things that made me believe

that I didn't know what he knew about the first three steps.

And he tricked me. He is an insurance salesman for 20 years. He read two sentences into my bullshit and he nabbed me, you know, and he got me and he just reeled me in. And he told me, you may know a lot about steps 1-2 and three. You probably are even ready for your inventory, but you need to learn what I know about steps 1-2 and three. But I'm trying to pass that message on to me. So I bought into it and I got involved with that group,

and I became so involved in that group

that it just felt uncomfortable not being a part of it. My mind had started changing, not only about staying sober, but about not having to get drunk again,

and some people don't believe there's a difference in that. I'll have a little bit of time to talk to you after the meeting about it. We go into the movies, but I'm telling you, this stuff has worked from the very start. And that goes for you too. No matter how many times you have tried to begin, it works from the very start. And we got to let people know that, man. And I'm talking loud because people come in and out of here and they claim that they can't hear us. You're not going to have a problem with that tonight

if it works from the very start,

you know, and it's just like my alcoholism is constantly, it's just constantly looking for a way to not have recovery as a part of my way of doing life. And it will use other people, places and things to get that accomplished. I'm really in danger,

you know, and, and, and when I wake up in the morning, I ask God to keep me sober. I've been doing that for several years now. And the reason why I do that, in spite of how well I can talk, is I'm not really good with the walk part. I don't know if anybody in here can relate to that. Y'all look pretty nice tonight, but I haven't. I have trouble kind of walking this stuff sometimes. And my higher power can keep me sober with His grace anyway.

I just put forth effort as much as I can. I can't do it as best as you can. I do it as much as I can. I want to read something to you real quick to get this annoyance thing going.

Talk about page 98 in the chapter Working with Others and it says burn the idea into the consciousness of any man. A lot of times we mean human. In the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I acknowledge women and our fellowship

that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trusts God and clean house. And a lot of times when I go to the meetings, I hear a lot of my brothers and sisters sharing about their comfort and the things that they have accomplished in regards to being sober,

going back to school, getting married, having a career, moving forward with a divorce so they can come in here and make another choice or whatever. Whatever they're working on, right? They're working on all this stuff, right? And what I'm sharing in recovery for me in this burning thing is that being maladjusted to life is not the way to go for me. Just because you tell me I'm not funny, you know, the white man is keeping a brother down. That's why I'm drinking

that BS, right? I can't use that as a reason to not take what you people offer here. So in other words, if you're a newcomer, we gotta quit running game here, See? So these guys and gals can really help us 'cause when we're calling them and they're picking us up and they're taking care of their own part of the deal, it's our responsibility to at least shut the hell up and admit that we don't know what the hell they're doing. But it's better than being out there,

you know?

And that's the kind of willingness that he nurtured inside of me.

And that's one of the reasons why I love Alcoholics Anonymous. We don't care of about how much of you that has made it here. We're going to need all of that for you to be able to stay here. Whatever the amount is of you, whoever you are, especially if I'm annoying your ass. We need your help here.

We gotta get some bourbon going on. Everybody running the Burning Man? You better burn some ideas in here man.

We got some burning to do,

you know, and I'm just really grateful that I'm not confused about that today. You know, I, in addition to that other gentleman, I was talking about some of my other Swansea. They found out I was a human being and now they're going around telling everyone you know,

and I and I'm really grateful, you know, that I'm not stuck at the beginning fighting the process, talking about is your fault. You're the reason why I can't work the steps.

I see

character defects. There they are.

Now I don't have to work the steps.

One of the things that I also thought about too. We have gone to dinner. We had eaten a little earlier today and one of my grandsons won a little prize out of one of those machines and it sort of reminded me of a friend of mine. This here is a replica of my first sponsor

lodge.

I'm glad that we're not video taping. Let's say he killed me, but

it's one of the things that I wanted. Let me let me share this real quick. I needed a sponsor that was a brother from the I'm black man and I needed a guy to get in. I needed a black man to get in my face. I grew up without my father and I needed a brother to help me.

And it's mean old white man

from Florida.

And if you're a newcomer, I just want to let you know I had no idea about this until I got sober. Florida as a part of the South. I want to let people know that I did not know, that I don't know. And he, he, he come unto me. And he he said, you seem to know a lot about the program, you know,

and I said, yeah, I do. You know, I've been in rehab for 11 months. I am pretty, you know, clear on a couple of things around here. And he said, where are you living,

SNLC? He fucking with me, 'cause you know, I live in this, I live in a sober living home, you know, and is that really technically if you're in sober living, you're still homeless. You don't, you don't own the you're not on the lease or anything. You know, So he's he's but you know, and there he is. He there, here he is.

No, I just want to drop you off at your house, want to drive you home after the meeting. But my mind tells me that you're fucking with me, man.

So he took me to the took me to the sober living home. And then every day

he would show up in this little beauty. I mean, everybody has these flashy sponsors. He sponsors like smell good and like, you know, they look nice and they have a wife and everything, you know. And he drives up and this little red Volvo, like, I don't know if you've ever been to like some of the amusement parks, but these these rides are on these cars and on these tracks. They would just show up in front of the apartment and I would get into the little red Volvo

and then he would drive me around. The meeting is around the corner from the sober living home,

you know, and I would tell some of my, you know, friends that are on their way out of here, you know, my, my coffee drinking, cigarette smoking, food at meetings, mooching people that are just trying to suck a, you know, these hard drinkers and stuff. They're telling me you don't need to take a ride from him. He's a little weird. And I said, you know what? That's right. I live right around the corner. Why is he giving me a ride? Is he gay? What is his spot?

And it's not that that would matter, but I'm just saying, come on now. I'm driving up. So he would just come and get me and then pick me up and then drop me off. And then finally I started recognizing a couple of things,

and I'll be brief.

He stood out.

My sponsor stood out.

My sponsor, he never blended in. He always stood out and a lot of people didn't like him. He's still alive. He's got 21 years sober. A lot of people still don't like it,

but the one thing that I can remember, in spite of all the things that I could like bitch at him about and like talk crap on about, I never complained about him really helping me

'cause that's what he did and that's what he was supposed to do.

And I started realizing that he wasn't here to win a popularity current quest. You know, a lot of people are here to look good and feel better, and I think that's fine. But looking good and feeling better is not a cure for this disease. That's why people with time sober go back out 'cause they get all those years and they forget about the days they were in when they got here.

Now we have a new disease.

They were telling me about it when I was a newcomer. They call it alcohol Wasm.

All of a sudden we seem to forget about what it was really like, you know? And then people say, well, that's just a part of my disease. That's why I don't remember when they come back after losing that time sober. And I believe that any frame of mind that has me not remembering where the hell I come from is not a part of this psychic change.

And I'm supposed to be getting from these steps. I'll repeat that I believe that any frame of mind that has me running around here not remembering where I come from is not a part of the psychic change. And I am not talking about intellect. I'm talking about sanity.

He didn't get me sober so I could stay crazy.

I don't have to be the smartest guy in the room, but I don't have to be the craziest guy here either.

And he used to ask me all the time, do you want to be the village idiot or not?

And I know a lot of people don't like that assertiveness because my counselor said that's not part of the check sheet that I'm supposed to fill out for my new sponsor.

If you're here tonight and you're from treatment

and the counselor is helping you, I think that's beautiful, but I'm not going to violate the tense tradition for your ass. We have things we do here, and those people out there don't always agree with it. And you know what? That's fine. They can do whatever the hell they need to do over there

because in here we know how to die from this stuff in the middle of trying to recover from it. This disease is terrible.

The recovery is awesome. This disease is nasty and it doesn't care how long I've been here or how long I plan on staying here.

And that's why I believe they call it a daily reprieve.

I'll be I got one more thing I want to share. You ready to leave yet?

I, I, I, I I don't like this page in the book here because it kind of cuts into my personal agenda that can relate to that.

Most of us sense that a real tolerance of other people's shortcomings and viewpoints and the respect for their opinions

are attitudes which make us more useful to others. Our very lives sex problem drinkers depends upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.

I mean, we can wrap this shit up now. I mean, I'm busy, man. I got a lot of stuff going on here. I have a job, you know, I work now. You know, I've been employed now at the same place for five years. OK, I'm tired.

You know, I'm planning on starting an OA meeting immediately, as soon as I feel like it. I mean, I got a lot of, you know, I'm really, I really, I got a lot of stuff. I got fear. I'm uncomfortable.

I have character defects,

I have a sponsor, I have a meditation practice and I try to live up to. I have men's that I need to keep making. I'm frustrated. I'm often wrong,

but one thing that you can't tell me is that I drank

and nobody could do that to me. 17 years ago, people were always telling me I was loaded, but you can't tell me that today, man.

You can't tell me that.

And it's because of you people.

You people. You did it today

and it's your job to do it tomorrow.

And that's what I want to share as I kind of wrap it up here is that we, we, we, I personally am a part of Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't know if I'm a part of the good part of the bad part, but I am a part of this stuff.

We drive all the way to these different places, man. And a lot of my friends have been going and listening to me speak and we put my picture on XA and, and all of that. And people hear all this stuff. And The thing is, it's like, you know what? It's still not enough. And it's not because of my ego, it's because I'm still alive.

I'm still alive. So that's why I gotta keep doing it. And I'm just grateful that I'm not lost about that, you know? And he used to tell me, DeAndre, 20% of the people are doing 80% of the work Now. Put on your helmet and move. That was his metaphor that I know a lot of people were saying, well, wait a minute, where is the joy of living if you working with all these people and you doing all this speaking and you're going to your job and when do you have time for yourself?

And I'm here to share with this mental illness that I am always creating time for myself. I am making time for myself right now as I am speaking.

While I'm talking, I am making time for myself,

so I'm not confused about that.

And a lot of people are.

And so instead of throwing you away or telling you to do it our way or whatever, we just say keep coming back. Keep coming back, man. He used to say, you know what? If you're not here after work, what we're here after, we'll be here after you're long gone. You better find a commitment to this thing because a lot of people in your life don't have it. You know, they don't have it. That's why you keep dealing with them. Hopefully they'll get it.

But you know as well as I do that there are at least three or four people in your life right now if you're actively involved in this thing, that they are not convinced.

They're not.

And don't let these businesses and stuff try to fool you into believing that we have some sort of a fast food thing going here. People are in here. They're not convinced,

and I am today, this evening, I am convinced. If you don't know what I'm talking about in regards to being convinced, you better get that book out.

They talk about being convinced right after Abcs, man, this, this, you know, And that's part of the insanity of this alcoholism is that on certain days I'll wake up not convinced. And if I don't get those phone calls and if I don't get my tired ass to a meeting and if I don't get on my knees and ask gods for help, I stay unconvinced.

One other thing and I'll shut U talking about the 12:00 and 12:00 on the first page and the forward.

Once again, my original sponsors in my way here

says that

ace 12 steps

or a group of spiritual principles,

a group of principals, spiritual in their nature, which if practiced as the way of life, can expel the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole. And I apologize if you came down here to hear a good old country music drunk along.

You want to know about that stuff, you need to call me. Please talk to me and, and you know,

we talk and go through the steps together and I'll tell you all about how I used to steal from my mother and smoke cigarette off the ground. You really want to hear about me eating out of a trash can and living on 5th and San Julian and selling me my brother's clothing and anything I could get my hands on to get drunk again. I'll be happy to tell you that if you're willing to take the steps.

But in this meeting, allegedly, I guess it's based on action. It's my responsibility to carry the message. And the message is that this stuff works, man, it works. It works so good that my drunk a lot can't even fit around it.

I hate talking about drinking and here trying to learn how to stay sober. I just do it because I know new people can't relate to staying sober.

So if you are new, I hope you find somebody that's willing to share this stuff with you.

They're here, man. There are women and there are men that are here that are willing to take you through the steps. I know that it doesn't seem like a nowhere in there does it say we gladly, you know, are we happily?

It just says we did them right. We took them, you know, and I'm trying to explain to you in a very informal way

that you don't ever have to sober up again ever, at least for 17 years. I know that much now. I know some guys were 30 years sober. The guy named Blackie over there and he's not black. I don't know why they called him.

I guess when you get better years of sobriety, you can do things like that. I don't know.

Lackey has 30 years. He's over at the Southwest Solano Club over there in Hawthorne,

My original brand sponsor, Al Russell. You know, there's, there's we listen to soul travel on Thursday night. Franny and her husband Carter, they both, they all have over 30 years of sobriety, you know, and they just don't think I'm that bad of a guy.

And it's really kept me sober on a lot of nights this week because it's been a little rough for me. I've been using other sobriety dates around me to kind of cherish the one I have

because it gets a little salty sometimes it gets a little negative, get a little depressed and I'll never have to get drunk again ever.

So let me close it. He says our Russell says that a A is like a little boat. And you put all this stuff inside your boat. You know, your children, that job, your character, scripture, whatever you're into. I mean, you know, a dominant experience. Whatever you, whatever you, whatever you're tripping, you put it in the boat, man,

and the wave of life comes and knocks you and all your kids and your degree and your money and your house note. It knocks all that crap out of the boat. What do you grab first?

Your children,

your education, your certificate. You know,

no, you grab the boat and the boat is Alcoholics Anonymous and you're either in or you're out. No matter who you are or what you think it's all about, if you're not in, you're out.

And I know that everybody wants that Gray area where myself will can kind of sneak in hide, but I'm here to share that that's not the way it works for me. I'm either in or I'm out, man,

and on most days I like being in. I really do 'cause I have been coming to meetings long enough to see what happens to our brothers and sisters that spend a lot of time out.

And I'm even talking about without a drink, man. I've seen people coming here for years, man, and they refuse to work with others. And I heard the speaker once, a friend of mine told me and I heard it. And it's like if every person and Alcoholics Anonymous was sponsoring at least one man or woman,

how much more awesome and much more plentiful we would really be in regards to this primary if every person at least had one spawn seed, just one. Because people come up to how do you sponsor so many people? Because you're not sponsoring any

one guy, one girl, just one woman, one woman, one scared woman who hasn't been to jail for 1000 years,

who can spill, you know, pull swarks out of her breath, just one alcoholic woman that has this fatal disease.

If one woman sponsored that next woman and so on and so forth. Man, that's what I think. These cats were really asking

how to share about my own personal stuff and then I'm going to be quiet.

They banned me from the Illinois club that I go to meetings to.

They heard me telling this 16 year old kid that you are a liar.

I don't agree with you.

You are telling a lie. He over there writing down the wrong community service hours, prostituting our program and they're gonna go sit in the meeting with Tomba. The grace of God is changing his life. And somebody overheard me telling that young man that you are a liar. And they just felt that that was a little too aggressive from the big old black man be talking to the little white boy.

It threw me out of the damn cloth. I'm the secretary of the largest meeting at that club. And they threw me out and I wasn't even at the board meeting. I was at a book study at my friends house and I'm over there studying the big book and the newcomer is over there getting rid of one of these mean old timers.

And that's just the way it's got to be. You know, I'm gonna keep carrying this message. You know they can ban me. They can tell you can do everything you want, but you can't stop God from helping me. I don't care who you are. Hell, I've even tried to stop God from helping me and it doesn't work.

So I'm banned

and they have a party. Man, Somebody's unwilling dry ass. But, you know, hey, no more DeAndre, 'cause I'm dead, you know,

and it hurt, you know, it was, it was really painful. You know, I really have been on the phone, my friend Peter, Mikey, some of these guys have been helping me get through it, you know, like, how do you, what do you do? Well, I'm going to have to talk softer to the younger guys that want help when I can

and ask God to help me.

I was pretty loud tonight. I don't know. I don't know. I can't transmit a message that I don't have. You need a librarian voice type sponsor. You are not talking to me, right? Right. Don't talk to me. I grew up with six kids. If you didn't speak up, you didn't eat.

I'm going to be fed tonight

and when somebody is asking me for help and I tell them the truth about what we're here to help them with and they don't like to tone of my voice and if I'm not doing anything illegal, unethical or immoral, you'd leave me the hell alone.

This stuff works, man.

Anyway, I'm grateful to be here and I have a joke for you.

I love my jokes because they're usually not very funny.

This guy walks into an A a clubhouse, not the one that threw me out of

he's he's he's been running in and out. He goes in and out and in and out and as this old timer sitting at the back table

and he comes in, it's got man, it's really hard to chase over. And the old timer just looks at him and the guy leaves, stays gone a couple of days and he comes back breathing hard, the old timers just sitting there and the guy goes, man, it's really hard to say sober I'm telling. And he leaves again. He comes back and the old timers still sitting there and this dude said, man, it is really hard to stay in this old terms there. Wait a minute bro, how in the hell would you know?

And that's the deal here, man.

You know, it's like the Buddha. He was asked one time, what is Nirvana? And he replied, if you have to ask, then you don't need to know.

There's a connection here that comes directly by way of the steps, by way of effective sponsorship. And if it's too hot for you, you're not going to have a choice to leave the kitchen.

You'll just leave anyway because this disease, untreated, takes care of itself the way it needs to be taken care of. And I'm grateful that I'm recovering from alcoholism tonight. Thank you very much.

I.