Workshop titled "The Big Book experience" in Dundee, Scotland

seven

my name is Scott Lee and I'm an alcoholic

you came I'm always impressed

good to see you if if we could I I like to open the session with a few moments of silence let's remember that weve invited got here and maybe re invite make sure we're trying to stay open let's take a few moments of silence

a man thank you hi I'm going to Bob and I make this up to the brakes by the way we do not have anything and I mean that we decided I'm going to do just a couple of minutes here on the concept that he touched on that so important hi I read a non converts approved book I do that occasionally is written by a man who is a PhD psychologist

and he's also an ordained minister and one of the I called the gentle Protestant faces a Presbyterian Methodist Baptist somewhere along in there I can't remember which and he was the chaplain of an insane asylum

and he decided one day to ask the inmates of this insane asylum a single question and he asked them would you rather be a writer would you rather be free and overwhelmingly the inmates an insane asylum said we would rather be right

do you know the back when I was crazy I would have been rather been right also

and I am not convinced that those are opposites not right and wrong but right and free our exact and perfect opposites there when it's okay with me that I make a mistake I'm free to be myself

you want to soak in the online side of that if I've got a string holding you in line if you jump out you pull me with you that's when it becomes okay with me that you make a mistake as the other side of that I've also decided for this is red flags just my own observation very recently I have discovered the source of all anger in me and it comes from being right

I have never been angry when I wasn't also right

I have been right when I was an angry but I've never been angry when I wasn't right when I can step out of the judgment of that leads me to being right I wind up never being angry isn't a man amazing process experiment with that with yourself and see if you can find it and I think he may find a tremendous freedom I have

want up

what little reserve in order to tell you about they got permission to talk to them about this one

what I have probably fifteen seventeen years ago I was taking guided through the steps

and he we get to the worst resentment that he had it was for his father

and he came from an alcoholic home it was a bad home

it is dad used to get drunk and have these drunken rages and beat him to the point where we ended up in the hospital on several occasions

this poor little kid grew up under the specter of that terror and walked on eggshells is whole youth and sometimes his father would quit drinking and that would even be worse because he'd be irritable and yell and scream and get to your room when you're stupid and shot up and he lived with that for years and it ate his lunch

he up we suspect his dad may have joined Alcoholics Anonymous and one or two occasions for a very brief period of time because there was a couple times with his dad would stop drinking and have a different attitude temporarily

he would say he was going to get him a bicycle he would promise to take him to Disney land but he never did any of those things because he went back to drinking again in the beatings would start again and this was a resentment

they had dominated this whole guy's life for decades

it it it it it affected his ability to work and be a team player so we always had to have his own little business is because he had this authority figure problem it affected his relationship with women

he'd been in therapy for I think eight years trying to get free from it and you can never get free from it he did everything he beat hello as he did the good stall share with his father he did all that stuff and he could never get free

and we're going through this the first step in we get a third of the way into the resentment section eight he starts talking about this resentment toward his father and all the stuff that was hurt threatened affected injured interfered with

his childhood was a messy can never could have any friends

he had to create this fantasy life to tell people about at school about what it was like at home because he couldn't tell what was really like we had this big secret

kids could never come over to his house because you never know if the monster was going to be home

it was a tough resentment we get to this part this was our course in

it says in there you must realize how the pursuit harm Jews perhaps like you

spiritually second or page ninety I think it's ninety one or ninety two of the twelve by twelve it it reiterates this in a little flushes it out this principle this was our course even a little more

they were talking about this and I said to him I said you must realize how you are like your dad perhaps it how you could have been sick like that and he flipped out and he started yelling at me and he said I'm not like my dad my dad was at monster he started G. all this venom started coming out of him

I thought he was going to hit me or something and he was just he was tort

and I just sat there and realized that I guess he's not prepared to look at this from an entirely different angle I mean are

obviously

so I do I don't know what to do I just back off I just I'm not going to push the guy that's not my job I don't I can't I so I just backed off I can't you can't make something somebody see something they can't see

so he went I suggest Gordy went along with this other resentment and what happened next

I believe this was through me

but not of me

I have a friend Bob in Minneapolis who says barb in Saint Paul that says I'm never the well but sometimes I get to be the pipe

and what happened next I believe happened as a result of a prayer I say before I listen to a fifth step and I I get quiet as I instead asked instruct the guy taking the first step to pray and invite guardian I invite him in and ask him to make me useful

the new use me in and what came out of the next was was beyond anything I'm capable of

then I said to him I said I I I said something is bothering me can we go back to something else one of the back to the other resentment he says all you want to talk more about my dad I said no no not that one

I sit back in the beginning when we first started the resentment thing there was a relationship that you are that you were

they were angry at this woman because she greeted she dumped you

and you were injured in the pits of your alcoholism and I said there was a couple kids involved in that relationship work there he said yeah I said I was just wondering

if any time in that relationship when you were drunk or stoned on drugs

or hold over if you might have ever done anything to hurt those kids

and he put his head down

and I don't know what he's doing in in in he he raises his head up and he's got after about a minute and he's got tears running down his face and he says in this this show

get the pain in his voice was unbelievable this choked whisper as if out of some sort of a business he said

just the lawyer my god diem father

and I said how did you feel about yourself when you heard those kids

he said I couldn't stay drunk enough

I said you think your dad's any different he got this far away looking he said he start about it for many said you know something my dad has never been able to get sober I haven't seen him in several years with my sister sees him and he lives in this little trailer and she says he's the most he's the most miserable depressed neurotic man she's ever known his liver is failing he has pancreatitis he physically could not metabolize alcohol in his body has forced him into a state of abstinence and he's the most miserable person you'd ever meet

but I said to him I said do you think that you could be like that at all

and he said maybe without a that would be a vision of my future

and we went through this part and we disregarded his father entirely we had to look at what kind of a son he'd had he been not the light of his the beatings and all the justification behind that but just on its own what kind of a son where you

and the truth is he did a lousy son

he had he told his father thousands and thousands of dollars and refused to pay because look what he did

and uses used his father's

bad behavior to justify cheating him out of that money he gossiped about it he went around to everyone in the family that would listen to him and to meet his father until he turned ninety percent of the family against him until his father was old and alone in this trailer

and so what kind of a son were you

and in that light it was horrible he did a terrible side

for a man who was sick just like he was sick you see what he did this was our course he was able to speak to begin for giving it just means to give to the person the same consciousness you would want them to give to you

you're just giving to them what you would want them to give to you or is it says in the lord's prayer forgive us our trespassing as we forgive those who trespass against us

you see he wanted people to forgive and understand him for being a terrible father

but he didn't want to give to is his father the same consideration he hoped others would would have given to him

and he was able to go and make amends to his Daddy called me

from outside the trailer park and he was scared

and I said what are you afraid of

he said the monster and see his dad years

but I told I said you you're you're here on your here with right action

you're doing the right thing take god with you guys with you're going to be fine

go make a movie go see your dad

then he told me later he said he knocked on the door in the monster didn't open the door

this scared shaking lonely hopeless neurotic old man opened the door

and he looked at his father's eyes and he saw himself

he saw himself

and he was able to make those comments to his father and he was able to go visit his father on a regular basis and take care of his father and he took care of his father periodically until his dad died

and he would tell you to this day he lives down in a suburb of Dallas and he will tell you to this day that the one of the greatest things Alcoholics Anonymous is ever given him next to his sobriety is he got his Daddy back

no therapy could do that no human power there's something that happens when we say this combination of realizations and prayers that grace comes into our life it opens up something in our heart the cool we could not open and no human power could open

and he got free from that

what a powerful powerful thing this is

there's there's nothing like this anywhere in any therapy on the planet

that would get a guy like me is free from the things that bound to me is is this is got me free and has gotten thousands and millions of people free

put it all starts with very simple tiny incremental surrenders of my opinions and my judgment I need to be right

can I approach it from Kate and and you know the only reason guys like me ever get to a point where we were even willing to think about coming to the table with any of this is alcohol is beat this about half to death

it is humbled us

and without that home building from the bag in the bottle

most of us could never approach any of this if it wasn't a matter of life or death

this will bring us up to the fear section

the bottom page sixty seven in

okay now here I am I'm for over four years sober

I've just finished my resentment inventory did a very good job on

I'm sitting at the kitchen table I got this big legal pad I wrote fears across the top of the page and I'm sitting there

it over four years sober and I can't think of anything that I'm afraid of

no I knew when I first got sober I was afraid of going to prison because I was facing two years I was afraid of homelessness I was afraid of the people that want to kill me a lot of stuff out of my past but I'm not afraid of that stuff anymore

but I'm sitting here thinking to myself as I usually do I was thinking to myself maybe I don't have any fears maybe a a works and I I went to this end of the month speaker meeting that our inner group puts on there was a guy from out of town speaking give great talking and talking to the soul time after the meeting I said to him I said you know I'm doing a

inventory and got to the fear section eight I I realize I don't have any fears and he said really I said yeah I don't have any fears he said you don't have any fears I said no I don't have any fears

he said what can I ask you some questions

yeah sure

he said are you afraid of large angry barking dogs

well I mean everybody's afraid of the we're not talking about everybody we're talking about you are you afraid of large well yes okay he said are you free to rattle snakes well everybody so we're not talking about everybody we're talking about you are you afraid of yes summer for you Fred black widows but yes I'm afraid of blackness but

it's a little more personal he says are you afraid of being embarrassed

are you afraid of what people think of you are you afraid of women are you afraid of rejection are you afraid of homo sexuality are you afraid of being broke are you afraid of being a success and then what people might expect of you are you afraid of being a failure are you afraid of growing old alone are you afraid that no one will ever really love you are you afraid that you can't really trust god are you afraid that you're going to get sick and not be able to take care yourself are any he what are you afraid of cancer and cancer every fourth week in my early summer

and he was all in any city you're free to stuff out of your pass catching up with you

all in all in one mini finally says so is there anything you're not afraid of it

how do you do that

the dead kitchen table looking for fear I'm like a fish looking for water

the book says are

it's an evil in corroding thread the fabric of our existence was shot through with it

it is the force that drives me to think judge walk act work carry myself associate with everything I do it's the driver behind you know that ed should send me

what's behind the edge it's the fear

it's what's pushing me it's what's driving me that's why I drive the car I drive that's why I work the way you carry myself to work the way I carry myself I'm afraid what you'll think of me

it's why it's the way it's the reason I share what I share in meetings

it's the driving force behind my life and I don't even know what

and I realize that I was I was afraid

of being afraid

that one of my old ideas

that I must do for when I was a little kid was that if you're afraid there's something wrong with you

if you're afraid you're less than a man if you're afraid you're weak if you're afraid you're Werner herbal and people will take advantage of your

and the simple truth is if you're afraid

you're just afraid

I don't mean nothing except that you're afraid

and it's the it's the fears that Iran realized that seem to have done me more harm

because they drive they have the most power over me

spiritual sickness gross the gross the strongest in the dark

and so we bring these things out into the light of day and

the book goes on to say that

that these fears the bottom of the sixty seven the third line up and says they've set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve but did not we ourselves set the ball rolling

what does that mean

well tell you what I found out

one of the reasons I can't manage my own life is in the active managing it I try to protect myself from the things I'm afraid of the things I'm afraid of losing for the things I'm afraid of not getting

in in the in in the process of doing that I set in motion situations really most of the time make the fears come true

psychiatrist call it self fulfilling prophecy

couple examples

first relationship I ever get in in sobriety I I don't have much to bring to the table I mean I would have told you I have some self esteem but I really did it's not yet I was only sober a little over a year I mean I haven't made my amends yet I haven't done a lot of service I haven't rubbed away any of the damage I've done to myself I have done nothing really except going to some meetings and do a little bit of service in eight I I haven't changed the way I felt about myself so secretly I'm coming from behind in this relationship I got this fear

what's the fear the fear is is it she's going to dump me so what happens the fear drives me to being the possessive controlling smothering person

the drives her out of my life

I became the guy who is always looking at our meetings there she hugs some guy and we're

I go grab all the guys signed up and you go to the log my girlfriend you know right I don't like the case right away I like that she said to me once he says you're always looking at me yeah look at my check it out my territory right

droll buyer apartment in the middle of the night make sure no guys cars are there you know just you know I'm crazy and what happened

I literally drove smothered her and drove her out of my life

I remember the day she left I was devastated because I put my validation my security my value everything into this mice motional security all into this relationship it was gone it was like there was a whole bigger than I am right in the middle who I am

it's in the middle of the desolation and the extreme anguish and pain was a little voice in my head that said see you were right

I like being right

devastated almost ready to drink but I'm right

it is my fears just once again these judgments these ideas maybe their new old ideas but their ideas just to say

it really is the problem

you see

I didn't have to be afraid there was only one person that was going to make her leave that relationship and it was me

I didn't have to be afraid of anybody else I was the guy

I had a good opportunity what I was

a kid

early twenties before us before I got sober my dad the last time my dad ever

went to bat for me and tried to help me and he had a friend who

it just all started this environmental engineering outfit

and this was cutting edge stuff water pollution air pollution for for industry was a big deal in the United States back in those days it still is but it was really big deal that was ground floor

and this guy gave me a job in an opportunity to become an environmental engineering engineer he was going to handle my education the whole deal was wonderful opportunity for a guy who didn't have any education

but I want to work there but I had a fear

but what's the fear the fear is that I'm afraid that the other people I work with are not going to accept me

I am afraid that behind my back they're probably saying things light

well you know that Bob

you know the only reason he's working here is his dad is friends with the boss otherwise we wouldn't have someone like him here

no I've imagining all this of the the book talks about finance cedar real

so what happens I'm afraid they're not going to accept the so what happens the fear drives me to being the defensive guy who's always on the muscle around those people but the kind of guys what do you mean by that the kind of guy that gets everybody walking on egg shells around him until one day they're calling me to the office in there saying Bob you're a hard worker but we're going to have to let you go because Bob you're not a team player

and I made the fear come true a little voice in my head says C. you are right I like being right unemployed by almost homeless but right

right

the bottom of that page

the last word it says sometimes it on the next page we think fear ought to be class was stealing it seems to cause more harm

nothing

will rob you of abundance of love of opportunity of richness of friendships of intimacy and the vitality of life as much as fear

the person causes paralysis

it is all through my life I've thrown away opportunities for incredible stuff because I was afraid I wouldn't enjoy it I was afraid I would measure up I was afraid of something

there's people in my life today my my sponsors one of my sponsor

I kept him like this for my first twelve years thirteen years of sobriety but I had a lot of judgments about and I didn't know anything about him I don't need to know anything about someone to judge them properly I mean I really never it's never been a deterrent to me I can just I just makes stories up in my head about people and all these stories in my head about it

and what it can be like this and why

because I was afraid

if I let him in that he would like me

so I rejected him first

if you've ever seen there's a one of my favorite movies of all times is the movie pay it forward if you've never seen it tell you dole don't miss an opportunity to watch that movie it's one of the greatest recovery spiritual recovery movies ever made and there's a scene in pay it forward were

Kevin Spacey and Helen hunt or standing in this parking lot

and they've been dancing around this almost a relationship but not really a relationship for a while

and finally Helen hunt gets fed up and she says to him she says the cabin she says you're afraid that I'm going to reject Shia and she says I can't you're too quick for me

and I always would reject you a five suspected fantasy to real just had any fear that you would like me or you're going to reject me I beat you to it

and so I kept

like this like this and I never gave any of those people a chance and some of those people now or in my life

and I I wish they would have been there for years before they were

and what's stole that and rob that opportunity from me

except my fear

I'd have things in my life I love to do one of my favorite things to do is scuba dive I I've I fly all over the world scuba dive and I just love it I another thing I love his motorcycles and I'd skiing at all kinds of things that they were I had opportunities to do all that stuff but I was afraid

so I was afraid to look in bad I was afraid of being stupider I was afraid of the learning curve I'm willing to start anything at the top

but there's a learning curve with most things and I'm afraid in the fear rob me of those opportunities and when I grew up spiritually to take some risks and trust god enough to try some stuff

I realized I love those things it was only my fear I sat with an old timer

who is dying of cancer years ago Guiney rushed to help a lot when I was new and rusty said something to me that was very interesting he said he said kid he said it's odd the when you get in the home stretch

and you're getting near the end when you look back over your life he said it's not that the mistakes I've made that I regretted

it's the things I was too afraid to try

in the people I was afraid to love

and the opportunities I missed because I was too afraid

nothing steals from us more than fear

and maybe that's if I could get free of nothing else except resentment and self centered fear be tremendous tremendous thing for a guy like me

tremendous

but what do we do about these fears what says we reviewed our fears thoroughly we put them on paper so once again like resentments on making a list

I ask myself this question why had I had wanted to have the speakers no the book comes back it is here's the question

mmhm it is interested in a general way but I asked the guys a sponsored be more specific because this is good or visually tie into your eight the nine step

so that is the question saying wasn't it because self reliance failed as well that's true across the board in every case that's true but specifically why did you have the fear

well a big fear I I did this just last year I was over one of the halfway house a guy that sober little was working on his for Stephanie comes up to me he said can I ask you a question

and I said yes he says alright my fear of the Tory and I don't understand why I have some of these fears

I said can you give me an example he says the LME thinking he reaches in his pocket he pulls out a cigarette and lights it up takes it often goes

I I'm afraid a long cancer

and I start laughing I said you don't know where you're free to look at Sir he goes no I said you're smoking of course you're free to look at it's like people I'm afraid of the IRS why are you free to the the tax people well because you haven't paid your taxes of course you're afraid I'm afraid of the police why because you have warrants out for your arrest

I'm afraid of the drug dealer why you'll be a thousand dollars we would go over your freedom where you

right

it's very important to look and see specifically why you're afraid to face these people why some of these creditors why some of these people that you've done things that you're ashamed of why you're afraid to be around them

why you're afraid to face them

yeah we ask ourselves why we had it had the was it because self reliance failed a self reliance as far as good as it went but it didn't go far enough in some of this once had great self confidence but it didn't fully solved if your problem or any other

because we can't enjoy life often of myself I'm not enough what made us cocky it was worse than it really was you know that there's one of my favorite analogies of people who respond to fear will either respond to fear as a skunk or as a turtle a scope when they're afraid sprays everybody around

a turtle pulls his head into the shell and waits for the fear to pass

I came here a skunk it's hoping to become a turtle you know why turtles make less of a man's

turtles make lesson plans I would much rather be a turtle and a strong but the ultimate that's not the ultimate answer the ultimate answers in is is in the next paragraph it says perhaps there's a better way

we think so far we are known a different basis the basis of trusting and relying upon god we trust infinite god rather than our finite selves

trusting god is the answer yeah but what's that mean

I went to an old timer

in my early sobriety in a I was full of anxiety

and I was sober enough to start to identify worry is a type of fear

anxiety is a type of fear

and I said to this guy said I don't know what's wrong with me I said I get up in the morning I get down on my knees I turned my will and my life over the care of god I see the third step prayer and twenty minutes later I'm back in my head running the universe and I'm from afraid and anxious I'm in my head thinking about when I get to work my boss will probably say this and then I'll say that and then he'll say this and I'll say that you know just spin it all day long with stuff like that

and he said to me he said well you said you you pray person yeah every day

do you have faith in god

I said yeah I said I I know I'm sober

longer than I've ever been my whole life since I first drank but I know god did that

he said do you trust the

and I must have looked at him like I'm not sure what you mean he says to me says let me tell you the difference between faith and trust he said you can have all the faith in the world and pray fervently every day and still die of alcoholism and I'm telling you I've seen that

I've seen some very religious people died drink themselves to death

he said for people like us it's faith is not enough we have to have trust he said here's the difference if you went to a circus and you sat in the audience and you watched a tight wire act when you watch a guy come out to the edge of the wire on the platform pushing a wheelbarrow you can sit in the audience and have all the faith in the world that he's a professional he can walk across a tight were pushing that Wilbur you'd save yourself I bet she's done a thousand times I have absolute faith he can do it

but if you had trust you'd go up and get in the wheel

it would he said that I like I knew what he meant I thought oh no no

I know what he needs he needs I have to actually conduct my life

by letting it go as if god's really got it all

see I don't really want to get the Wilbur

I like talking about getting in the world

I like reading about getting in the Wilbur I like going to discussion meetings and discussing getting in the Wilbur I like going out to coffee with people in philosophizing about getting in the wheelbarrow but I don't want to get the Wilbur

I'm afraid because I see there's I get this old old idea that if I ever really absolutely surrendered a hundred percent and gotten that will burn I get halfway out that wire and I hear this voice that goes

Bob

as we used to sneak look in its national geographic's when I was a kid is that

right

because I don't trust god

so what do you do if you're wired that way what do you do if intellectually you can look at your life and you can get it that you burn you burn to the ground over and over again as a result of you being at the helm and you need to get the wheel barrow you understand that you you don't argue with that and yet motional you kick it in

what do you do

what happens

page fifty three

this is exactly what's happened to me

sometimes my whole life in sobriety is come down to this paragraph

he says we can all call it crashed by his self imposed crisis I could not postpone or evade I have been crushed by many self imposed crisis is I could not postpone or obeyed in sobriety like it says in chapter five made decisions based on self which later placed me in a position to be hurt

crushed by self imposed imposed crisis I could not postpone or evade I had to fearlessly faced the proposition the guys either everything

or else he is nothing god either is or isn't

in my whole life hangs on a choice

it's my choice to be

you see I found myself in sobriety in places where I am absolutely backed into a corner

I don't have a plan I don't know how I'm going to stop what I see what appears to be something that's awful from happening I don't know how I can change it I am terrified I don't know what else to do and I'm forced by an absolute lack of alternatives

to turn to god

and start to act

like someone who's in the wheelbarrow

when I go to my sponsor and he tells me how to conduct myself is in the middle of my head spinning and I can't get anything from meditation because I'm nuts

and my sponsor gives me direction and I follow the direction I act as if I was in the wheelbarrow even though I don't feel like it

and what is happened is I get through the situation when I come out the other side and I get it I have been protected

and I've been taking care of I didn't deserve it because I made the decision based on self which put me in that position

but I have been protected in spite of myself

but I start to trust something that I have a hard time trusting it in I don't I don't know if it's five times or ten times a been forced into the wheelbarrow where you start to get to a place where you see it coming you just get in

right you just go all right I'm going all right guy here right

but eventually it becomes a working part of the mind of visually it becomes

through practice practice practice of these principles something that becomes a way of life and I think most of us that are sober a long time that I've tried this diligently and are are not perfectly but we've tried this diligently eventually you get to a place where you know something that you bet your life for

you know that the power behind you

will always be greater than the obstacles before you and you know why you know that because it's been true every single time the last twenty eight and a half years

C. guides never let me down yet

and then next time I get afraid

my head is going all you're not gonna help you this time I mean here in the river and I just yeah yeah yeah thanks for sharing it again the wheelbarrow right you know what I mean it is yeah yeah thanks for sharing in the world

Scott

thanks M. Scott Emma calling a couple of pieces on this fear inventory to me the only part written is that S. actually the fear you can read some other stuff but that's fairly simple and and Bob talk about this idea of trusting relying upon god what we're not going to go there we're going to be tight on time and Roman numeral sixteen talks about the idea of the necessity of belief in independence fund got I got here believing there was a god not having a higher power that's pretty common my host a couple weeks ago at a conference said he believes only three people got three kinds of people got the atheists agnostics and the condemned

and I think that's right because if you believe that there's a god most you'll probably get here condemned and this process that rand takes us out of that condemned thing is so absolutely necessary it says where in the world to play the role he assigned step one section B. I'm not managing my life I'm here to play the role he assigns that that's the bad news the good news is I'm designed for it yes miss Linda says god's will is a good deal I like the analogy that god's rather like it's it's like one god designed this particular animal and he gave this animal hunger and taste only for the leaves that grow at the top of ridiculous kind of treat and they also J. gave the giraffe along next week you get to it I have a long neck for god's will for me it's a good deal just to the extent that we do I'm sorry just examiner's we think he would have a son humbly rely on him to see labels to match claiming the serenity looks like permission to make a mistake just as we do is we think he would have if I don't always know what god wants me to do but if I'm trying to do what I think he wants me to do next I'm still making mistakes by making a finer quality mistaken ever made before

and we have a name for that we call a progress

progress is making a new and finer quality a mistake or making the same almost like a little less often

as anything beyond that would be perfection right

yeah so it's okay to make mistakes because because he's going to turn into good things and then the next paragraph tells me twice not to do not to apologize for depending upon god tells me twice must be important it gives me a prayer