The Primary Purpose Group's 12 step weekend in Cannes, France

My name is Chris Ramer. Grateful recovered alcoholic.

We're going to kind of type some loose ends like we do every time we get back together. And then we're going to I'm going to talk about some 8-9 stuff real quick. Mars is going to do 1011, but we'll end up doing is probably go take a real quick pee break last one of the day. And we're going to come back for about 30 minutes. And I want to talk about this 12 step business. We want to talk about working with others because

guys, as far as I'm concerned, that's the gravy. That's that's where that's what this this whole thing is leading us to this thing about working with others. It's the piece that everybody seems to want to kind of put on the back burner somewhere, maybe downstream. We can do that. And what happens is we really got to get serious about it. Any of the questions that you want to ask at that time, we'd be more than glad to answer.

I was talking to someone earlier and I immediately forget who, but we were talking about this fifth step business. I know the book is quite clear that it's perfectly OK for us to do this with a priest, our fifth step,

and a person of clergyman, somebody that we trust that's out of the program. You're more than welcome to do that. I do a thing called multiple fist steps when I don't have a problem doing one with this person and that person the same fist step. It's just no, no problem. The problem I have with doing it with people that don't understand what the program is about is they won't follow through with the rest of it. And that's why I'm saying a piece of the 5th step is confession. Guys, I came into to this fellowship with a lot of secrets and a lot of stuff. I was mortally

embarrassed about stuff that I had done, which really compared to most of y'all is

nothing but

truly. But but still, for me, it was, you know, coming from my standpoint, it was a pretty traumatic stuff. And and this confession piece that's just letting another human being kind of know for the first time. It's our secrets that kill us. They'll follow. And so being able to get even with that is a is a good thing, But but the the process doesn't stop there. We have a tendency in a, A to want to compartment,

compartmentalize everything. We kind of talked about it here. We do first step and we do second step and then we do third step. We didn't understand it. It's all flows, it's all together.

Having this inventory doesn't do much good unless I do something with it and the inventory showed me the character defects to get rid of. I'm going to take care of that in a prayer in an hour after I do this work and then I'm going to make an 8 step list and I need to start making amends to somebody. My problem with doing it with a priest is says you know, they go, go and sin no more. They don't say anything about cleaning up your crap from the past. And that's the stuff that's holding us back.

Great quote

and I don't know who said it, but it's a great quote. It says

it's not making the mistake that kills me, It's defending it that does the damage

to get it.

It's not the mistake guys, because buddies, we're all human. We're all going to make mistakes. We're all going to say something stupid. It's defending it and not cleaning it up that causes all the problem. I mean, that's we learned to ski on a, on a little lake out in front of where I where I currently live, as a matter of fact. And who knew 30 years later I would live in this nice Little Rock house out on Ingram Lake. Ingram Lake is a lake. It's about the size of,

well, this auditorium and

not much bigger. I'm telling you, you learn to ski really fast because all you do is turn corners, you know, and it's like there's no straightaways on it. But but the guy that was teaching us how to Joe Herring, the guy that was teaching us how to ski, he was one of the deals. He says, Chris, but if you start to fall, let go. And of course, my head says, because I'm so like, you know, and I'm going to get back up, you know, I'm going to lose my balance. If I just hang on, I can pop back up and then I won't have to be embarrassed about having.

And so I would lose my balance and I would hang on and I would end up the next taste was the lake bottom in my mouth

is I'm being dredged along the bottom, you know, and I come back up with vines and stuff hung in my face, my ear like this. And he said, he said, Chris, what part of let go aren't you getting here? But that's what I did with my life for for 20 years, 1819 years of drinking and drugging. That's what I did with my life. I hung on to everything and the damage that I did and the mistakes I made.

If you found it out, I was going to either not have anything to do with you, you follow because I didn't want you to throw it back up in my face

and I'd certainly wasn't going to go make amends in a a today. What we have is we have too many people that have these little things called unsigned death packs. And some of you have heard me talk about it and I'm going to go to an A a group and I'm going to make a deal with you. You're not going to hold me accountable and I'm not going to hold you accountable and we're going to be the best friends. That's going to be the bomb. And you don't make amends and I'm not going to say anything to you about it. And you're not you with us. We're just let bygones be bygones. The problem is that we do everybody around us a disservice when we allow this to happen. What I didn't understand

got to this fellowship and for those seven years I was in and out is what I didn't understand is

you can laugh about that if you want. Roll your eyes. And so much bullshit

been proven to me to be the truth and I put out some bad stuff over here. I need to clean it up because it's going to come back around and get me over here. And some of us sitting in this room right now or having financial problems

and you still owe financial amends and you don't see the connection. There's a connection. Some of us in this room are having relationship problems and we haven't cleaned up the relationship problems from the past and we don't see the connection. And there is a huge connection. Buddies, The Big Book spends 9 pages explaining how to do just about every amendment that there's possibly to make financial amends, personal amends. And it's like folks, not an option. We sit down with our sponsor, we've got the eight step list and we go over this.

Listen, I'm not going to stir up a hornet's nest and make some amends that are going to perhaps hurt somebody else, but it's going to cause me some harm. I've still got to go make those amends make sense. I want to go make amends. The biggest trip we see in a fellowship is I want to go win the lottery, get $1,000,000 and then go write everybody a big fat check that I owe money to. But sometimes that's not possible. It certainly wasn't for me because I owed everybody. What I needed to do is go make some from what the book talks about, a first approach.

I need to go, I need to go clear it up with a guy first, call the credit card companies that I owe the money to, talk to the boss that I stole the money from. And I said, listen, this is what I did. I owe you about $600.00. I think I'm willing to pay this off. What I can do is pay you $20.00 a month until we get this thing paid off. Would that be satisfactory to you? And he may say no, so be it, work your best deal, you follow, he may say yes, then you make the $20 payment and you get it paid off. But the bottom line is, guys, every amendment that I make, I got a little 4 by 5 business card,

a little index card and I put the name and person and the phone number and all these nonsense that that we're going to help me get connected to that person. And I know exactly what I'm making amends to him for. I don't ever want to be in a situation where I go up to this guy that I owe amends to. And I say, well, you know, I just owe you a man's because I wasn't I was a kind of a jerk. Excuse me, I want to be very specific about what I make an amends to you with us, because that's the idea. That's why people put it off. He's not ready to make amends, you know, because it's too. No, listen, cleaning up the mess is is is

than just saying I'm the cause of every problem on earth. That's ridiculous. I know I made some made some mistakes in this deal. You made some mistakes in the deal. All I'm here to try to do is clean off my side of the street. You'll follow. So I'm going to get as explicit as I can in this eight step list that I'm making about what I owe the money for and why I owe it and what the amend is about. You'll follow. I'm not going to stir up a bunch of crap that I can't fix.

That's that's the nature of the beast. And I don't let anybody off the hook. I mean, everybody gets to do it.

Some of you are going to have lots of amends. So you're going to have not too many amends, but the ones that are going to get the real freedom. My sponsor says this. They say, Chris, how free do you want to be in a, we've got this party line BS as well. If you're not drinking today, you're having a successful day. That's just not my experience. If I'm not drinking today, I'm I got a chance of having a really good day. But if I owe everybody on earth and there's towns I can't even go into because I've pissed off so many people, I'm not having a very good life here. You'll follow. How free do you want to be? I want to be able to come and go as I please.

Years ago

some cats asked me to go back to Iceland and I couldn't because I was pre booked. I had some other stuff to do and I and I turned another guy on. I said would you like to go to Iceland and says this guy was weepy. He was so excited about his chance to go to Iceland. The cat had been sober 30 years. You follow got down to the to the old passport company and found out that there was a little chicken shit legal. There's some money he owed a little small little piece of $200.00 ticket that he hadn't paid 30 years before that was still on the records and he couldn't get

passport because of that. His chance to go to Iceland were squashed because he simply thought that he didn't need to go clean this mess up. You'll you'll follow and again. And it's not just the direct the universe, the old expression, you push it, the universe, it pushes back. And so some of us in this room wonder why we're not filled with a little excitement and a little passion because we haven't done the rest of the work and cleaned up our mess. The joke in my lineages my grandmother doesn't want.

I'm sorry. She wants to get her VCR back,

but I set workshops and listen to people say, well, making amends is about is is just about saying I'm sorry. It's not guys who in the world and our families doesn't know that that we said it. I'm sorry 1000 times. They want to see it change. They want to see a behavior. I'm going to be a better friend to you. I said this and I mean I'm going to be a better friend to you and then I'm going to show you that I could be a better friend. It's not just about saying I'm sorry makes sense. That's what we do. It's just it's it's you make the first approach. You'd be surprised what happens as a result of that. And you get on down

with it. The money that you need will come. We want to have it all figured out. Well, how am I going to possibly make this amend? You become willing to make the amend and I guarantee you God will show you how to make the amend. And by doing that, you're going to clean the the universe up and this stuff's going to start taking place. I've had some amends that went bad, buddy. Here's how you can make the amend to me go away.

It's a little rough.

OK, I can do that. OK. But what happened? Two years later, the lady calls on the phone. There was a guy. He said. He said, are you still sober? I said, buddy, is that you? And he said, yeah, yeah, don't make a big deal out of it. Answer my question. Are you still sober? Absolutely. Well, I've got this son, and he starts to cry. You follow. I couldn't make the amend two years ago. He didn't even want me in his office. But now, now I'm able to do it. You follow.

I was able to take care of this deal and guys, once the amends made, I tear up the little card and I move on to the next one.

I still got some cats in 20 years, I've still got a couple that I haven't been able to make. But most of these I have been able to make. And all of us can tell stories about this. But you got to put yourself in a situation where you really want to make these amends and you got to be willing to do it. And I got to tell you, there's nothing like the freedom of being able to walk into a town or a room and being able to look everybody in the eye. I've always been in a spot where I had to look down at you or up at you. I've never just been able to look straight at you. You all understand what I'm talking about. I'm always either better than you or worse than you. And you make the amends process from

this. And all of a sudden what takes place is you just become a man among men and you're just on even playing field with everybody. And it's the it's the most wonderful feeling in the world. And what takes place is it opens up your whole life. I got to say this and I'll stop.

And part of it's just repeating in myself. A lot of you guys think that this is just about not drinking and it's just not, it's just not. You get this stuff cleared up and watch and see what starts to take place in your life. And all of a sudden the, the, the excitement starts to come back. A lot of us can't sleep in this room because of the guilt around some of these amends that we haven't made. It's just that simple. There's always a way to clear it up. If any of you guys ever they got business cards up that we do, we pass out.

This is the same stuff guys, if you want to call us and talk to you about this. I don't make any amends now at 20 years sober. I don't make an amend unless I talk to my sponsor or somebody that I trust in the fellowship to to run

buy them to make sure my motives are good. You follow because I don't want to have to make an amend and then turn around, have to make it again because I screwed it up so bad. My head sometimes tells me to go do things that I don't want to do. Makes sense. Here's one that I get all the time. When I first met you, Chris Raymer, I didn't like you. In fact, I hated your guts. What are you doing here? Well, I'm trying to make amends to you.

You haven't

and you aren't. You'll understand what? Why would you? Why would I didn't know that you you were pissed before I thought we were OK. You'll follow. You could have changed. You could have made some living amends in that regard. And just not bad. Mouth me alone now. I've got to eat your and now I do have a resentment. And I want you to go back to everybody that you took my my inventory with and clean it up.

You follow, but just Willy nilly because I want to feel better. I want to come make amends to you. That's not an amends. You've done more harm than good there. You've hurt my feelings in the process. Shame on you,

I hope you die.

That's all I got.

We're a spiritual bunch.

I'd give $1000 to hear the cell phone calls tonight. You won't believe what he said.

Well,

one of the things in this immense process that was, was quickly apparent,

I think deep down inside, everyone of us has this idea that when we make these amends, we do it so we feel better and and we do as a as a manifestation of the amends that we make. A lot of times we do feel better about the deal. Top of page 77 in the in the literature, there's, there's a couple lines there that that puts this thing into perspective. It says at the moment we're trying to put our lives in order, period. But this is not an end in itself. A real purpose is to fit ourselves to be a maximum service to God and the people about us.

See if my job is to carry a message of recovery to the drunk that still that's still out there suffering, then then what I need to do is make sure that me and God are OK with each other

and I can't be OK with God If I still got a bunch of amends that I'm not making out of my own defiance around may have not making the amends, I will not make the amends. Sometimes I just stomp my foot and act like a little kid and I just say I'm just not going to do it. And you can do that for a while, but it's a funny thing. Everything that we do in in in in a a has kind of A cause and effect kind of thing. There's always manifestations of something that happens. If I'm spiritually on a path doing what I'm supposed to do. There are manifestations over here that exemplify that you

see it, It's tangible in your life in the way you treat your family and the way you treat your coworkers and friends and other people in a it's there when things start getting grindy, when things start getting goofy. A lot of times we need to look at those things. Are there Mens that I haven't made? Are there things, kindnesses that I withheld, things that I that I could have done, that I that I didn't do?

One thing that's I think important for all of us to remember and for a long time,

how many of you gals and guys did this sitting in a meeting, your very first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, if they if they had these little lampshade things hanging on the wall the very first time that you saw those things, maybe you were new in the fellowship and you look at the thing and you did OK, I could do that. Well, yeah, I could do that. And I And then you get down to this immense type thing and you go no freaking way, it ain't happening. I'm not going to you see, coming from a place of self, I'm always going to need to be right and I'm never going to. That is the

concept of making an amends when I think that the world has done me wrong is the most bizarre piece of information that I ever tried to digest. It's just like this is you guys are nuts. Forget it. It ain't going to happen. And then you go through and you clear up some past and you clear up the the the inventory and you begin to see that you were a willing participant in a lot of this drama that there is a way to get clear of it. And now this really miraculous thing is getting ready to happen.

You've prayed about this, you've perhaps talked to your sponsor about this so you can get some clarity on what it is that you need to do.

And then you walk in and we think, well, this is just going to be me and this guy and we're going to hash this thing out again. And that's not it at all. It's, it's so far from the truth. It's not even funny. What's going to happen is, is that you and the man that you're going to go make the amends to and a loving God or standing in one place. And it's like, how many of you guys that have been around for a while ever did an immense and then walked out feeling like you'd been pimp slapped? You just went like what happened in there? It's just like the, the, the, the I have a preconceived idea.

I'm going to say this, then she's going to tell me this and then I'm going to say this and then she and maybe I'll get out of it with my genitals, maybe I won't. I don't know. We're going to see. But then you go in and you do it and you do it. Instead of trying to justify your behavior. You just said, look,

I know. Look, I know you want to hit me. I want to tell you this. I treated you shabbily. You deserve so much more than I gave you credit for, so much more. Could you ever forgive me for what I did? Please. And then, and then I own. I'm owning my part of this deal, you see. And it's an amazing thing to watch somebody that you've hated and resented, that beast from hell is now sitting there weeping in front of you. And the thing that we seem to forget is that this gives them a chance to heal, too. We don't often remember how much

damage that we caused from our stuff, but how much how much pain they may be in trying to hold the same stuff. You see, they don't have a program to follow. They don't know how they're ever going to get extricated from this drama that you caused. Maybe they did have a little piece to play in it. But the point is, is that now you're in a situation where you're healing and they're healing. And the results of that put you in a position where you can be of maximum service to God and the people about. And yes, you can walk taller, and yes, you can look the world in the eye, and yes, you can begin to

what it's like to have sanity returned so that you can live a life that you never dreamed you could live. This is fairly powerful stuff, fairly mystical I might add. From somebody looking at it from the outside, it doesn't make much sense. From an intellectual standpoint, lot of this doesn't make sense. But the reality of it is, is that it allows us to live a life we never dreamed we could live in.

Does it take some courage? Yeah, it does. It does. And that's the reason why I like the idea of nice, strong sponsors. Listen, you little wimp, get out there and do it. I see. I want somebody standing behind me that's going to make me do the things that I need to do. Because left on my own devices, remember, I'm the easier, softer way kind of guy. How? Always take the easier, softer way. Well, she hurt me as much as I hurt her. Screw her. I don't need to make that an answer. You see, I'm out. Time out.

Let's talk, let's talk about 10 and 11 for just a minute. We've got a couple of seconds here and we'll.

In theory, the way the literature was originally set up, in theory we should have been able to do an inventory and then we should have been able to keep most everything straightened out in 1011 and 12. We should have. It doesn't often. And I used to be a card carrying member of that whole deal. I believe that that was the way it worked. These days I tend to think I'd like the idea of going back and revisiting inventory every once in a while to take a look at this thing for a number of reasons, but but the biggest one is that I found that when I did it, it worked.

You see, but this process of keeping stuff cleared out, I want to I want to, I want to illuminate a couple of things. And we're not going to dwell on it a whole lot. But instead, in step 10, there was there was a couple of things that I wanted to, to to these are just simply

directives. When we study the book, the very first thing that we understand is that they gave us specific directions for specific steps. They weren't talking in vagaries. So what they did is they said these the thought brings us to step 10, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to sit right any new mistakes as we go along. And then it says we vigorously commence this way of living as we cleaned up the past. It's the only place in the literature where they gave us the the go ahead to work a step out of order. We're going to be doing 10 and 11:00 and 12:00

while we're doing the immense process because the juju comes from that you've ever done it the other way. There are people that I have talked to that say you have to make all of your amends before you do 1011 and 12, and I've never understood that. The literature is fairly clear that this, but the real power of doing the work comes from this work that we're doing in 10 and 11. You'll begin to get really plugged in and you'll find yourself doing amends that you never dreamed you would make. It's pretty, pretty important stuff,

I said. We've entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow an understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Simply a part of what we do.

Hmm. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. The inventory stuff we just uncovered. We ought to be really sensitive to them by now. And then when these crop up, they give us four specific things to do. We ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately. We make amends quickly if we've harmed anyone. And then we resolutely turned our thoughts to someone we can help.

There were four specific things that were supposed to do. When we hack somebody off, when we step on somebody, this is what we're supposed to do. Now, the old Myers, early in this deal, I just say, well, I'm going to make a judgment call on this. It's no big thing. I think I'll just forget it. I didn't hurt him bad enough to him. He's not going to retaliate or anything. So we'll just blow it off. Check. There's one more little piece of patina between me and God and I'll just go on down the road. And to the extent that my judgmental nature gets into this deal, that's the extent that it just keeps. And pretty soon it's not bright,

it's not even visible. You see what I'm saying? This is what we're trying to avoid. And so and so this ten step process, Clifford told me one time, this is this old coot that was sponsored me. Is it still sponsors me? He says we, I've known him for like 2 years and he goes, Mars, let me ask you something. You don't ever offend anybody. You don't ever step on anybody. And I went. Well, I guess I do,

huh? You don't ever call me about that stuff.

I'm supposed to call you.

You see,

it's almost embarrassing to tell you about this stuff, but I didn't, I didn't know that stuff was in here like this. I didn't realize that it laid it out that way. And he said, yeah, why don't you go read page 84 and then call me tomorrow and we'll talk about it. And I did just that. And I'll tell you guys. I was so embarrassed. As I began to read this, I realized that they had given me the tools to keep all this stuff clear. But out of my own arrogance, I decided that I didn't need to do it. And so I just ignored it. Once again, my little piece of, of, of I'll decide, damn it, what I'm going to do and what I'm not going to do because I do know best, right? I am the

of my universe, right? It's ridiculous. And so rather than following a clear cut set of directions, I've now started customizing the stuff again. And I get what I got, you know, which is a life full of turmoil again. So the 10 tip deal is kind of like this. I have words with somebody at work, like a customer, and I go, yeah, I know it. I hope yours falls off too. You and I set the phone down. It's kind of like that. And, and then I just hold the phone, you see, 'cause I know exactly what I need to do.

I see, I realize that I've offended this person. I realize that I'm simply scared because I've committed to doing too much again and I've retaliated and I've said unkind words to this person. So I just hold on to the phone until I cool off because see, if I let go of the phone in my situation, if I let go of the phone, I'll go do something else. And before too long, I've justified not calling this woman back. I've justified it. And, and because I know where my head goes. So I just hold it for however long it takes, you see.

And then when I get a grip on this thing, I I ask God to help me.

And then I call Clifford and then I tell her, tell him what I did. I said, I can't believe it. I offended another customer. I said what I wasn't supposed to say. And he goes, how bad was it? I said, it's pretty bad. And he said, go fix it. I said OK and hang up the phone. And I just hold it for a minute and take a deep breath and see my wife. It was also my business partner works right across from me. Our desk is one big desk and she sits just right across the deal. It's not quite we can't quite punch each other. It's right. We're just out of line. If we had those soccer boppers, we could actually hit each other. But

it's just like she's right there and she just looks up and grins at me. She knows exactly what's going on. She said you pissed somebody else off, didn't you? Yes, I did. And see. And she knows. And then I pick up the phone and I call him back. I go, no, no, no, don't hang up. Don't, don't hang up. Listen, I'm sorry. I know. I know I was offensive. I know I said these unkind things. You didn't deserve any of it. Just once again bit off more that I can chew. Please forgive me. And she goes

fine. Great, thanks. Can we talk about the job now? Yeah, let's go ahead and talk about the job.

Back to business. But we're OK, you see. So when we get done with this thing and I hang up and everything is OK and I get to sit there and go OK, Now this is a piece of drama that I didn't have to clean up later. I didn't have to let it get. I didn't have to Stew about it night after night after night for five years. I didn't have to let it damage my relationship with God and the people about me. I could deal with it right there. And that's where the power of this ten step work, if you'll start practicing it.

I sponsor over the years, hundreds of men, 10% of them practice 10 step work, 10%

the rest of them just, they're on their own. And then when they call me all tangled up in it, when they call me all just just beat the crap again. I always ask him what Cliff Bishop asked me. You don't. You don't ever step on anybody. Well, you know I do. Well, how come you don't ever call me? You see, this is how I know,

but the cool part about this stuff is guys, this is the kind of stuff from on a sponsorship deal like with with with our little buddy Andy back there who is now gotten through the work and he's done the inventory and he's made his amends type stuff. And this little busted up soul is growing by leaps and bounds. And this is how we tell if Andy's on track,

because it manifests itself in what he does In 1011 and 12. You're going to see amazing things as a result of doing what he's doing. This deal of just being sober is not enough for Andy, and he knows that.

It's the coolest Step 11 stuff real quickly.

You know, I want to tell you this fast story. I've told this story. Most of you guys have heard it, but I, I just,

I am. I am unable to believe that for so long I trivialized this. This 11th step stuff sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

We're sitting at this conference one morning and there was a men's conference, the same one that years later I would be in this debacle with this guy with the child molestation deal. And, and in those days, we were staying in these big cabins with 16 or 17 other men in this big bunch of bunks. And we were sitting at at lunch one day and I said, I said, did you guys, did you guys see those, those, those wussies this morning praying

and, and everybody just stops talking. There's like 30 people within earshot of me, maybe 20 people within earshot of me. And everybody just stopped. And they just looked at me and see I these guys that got out of their bunk in the morning and knelt by their bed. I thought they were they were

men don't do that. Well, there's no praying in a a come on, don't do that. And I just it was the most baffling thing I've ever seen. And I thought it was just like,

get up, girls come on, just crazy stuff. And so the, the, I say this and guys, I think I'm being funny. I think it's hilarious. And the, and, and Chris is sitting right there and he's the first one to get up. He just, it's like he can't get away from that table fast enough. And then another guy get up, another guy get up. Pretty soon they all get up and everybody's just, nobody said anything. And I'm sitting at a table in a room with 250 other people and everybody else is out there talking. And my little piece of table right there is

totally empty

except for me and Chris's sponsor, Mark Houston.

And Mark's not saying anything either. And my face is like, I can't tell you I'm embarrassed. I'm not sure why I'm embarrassed, but I just know that I've stepped in it and, and, and Mark's looking at me. Correction strike that. Mark's looking through me. It's like I can I can feel my insides melting and running out my butt. It's just

little X-ray eye things at me and I went

oops.

And he just kind of looked at me like this. And he said

you don't pray. And I said, well, yeah, I pray. And he said when do you pray? And I said, well, the truth, I, I,

I pray in the morning when I'm backing out of the driveway. And he said, so faced with life and life's turmoil, you'll pray

if you want to put it that way. He says, no, no, no. I want you to understand this thing. That's what you're doing. You're as you back out of the driveway, you're facing your work day. And your work day scares you. And so you're praying, right?

Right. That's it.

He says, you know, if you look in the book and they talk about God being everything or is he nothing? God either is or he isn't. What's the answer to be? And I said yeah. And I started laughing at Mark and I said, yeah, I know I always wanted the third door. I I always want there to be 1/3 option there. God either is or he is not. What's the decision? And I'm going, can't there be a third option? Can he be sort of OK? And he goes, no, no, it either is written. Make the decision.

OK, I'll make the decision. The decision is he's everything.

And if he's everything, you're telling me that you spend, what, a minute or two backing out of the driveway praying to him? Yes, that's what I'm saying.

Oh, OK. And he just gets up. He didn't. There's no closure on this. I'm just kind of feeling like he just got up and I thought, couldn't he? I was waiting for some spiritual solution here. What is it? I mean, I'm waiting for the something and he just left me to Stew in my own juices. I sat there at that empty table like I had some pariah and and and eventually I got up, took my tray up and went back to the deal and finished the day out. And it bugged me so badly. All night long I stood about it and I'm trying to have a good time and trying to put

on a happy face and be the little sunbeam for Jesus, and I'm not. I just, I just, I

just feel terrible. I just can't. The next morning we get up and I'm, I, I open my eyes and it's like 4:30 in the morning and I'm looking around and there's nobody up.

I'm going to slip out of that bunk and I get out of my knees and I'm looking around and I'm going. I'm just going to die if somebody sees me doing this.

And I prayed

and I got up and I went to the bathroom and I remember thinking, Holy cow, why do I feel different? Why is this so?

It was like somebody had taken an electric cord and justice stuck it right up my butt. I was just like electrified. And I'm standing there and I'm smiling in the shower and I'm we go to breakfast like this and I'm kind of looking around and I'm thinking, everybody looks different. It's, it's like I'm not judging them. I'm not, I'm just there. It's just I feel connected and there's no judgmental nature in any of this stuff. And I'm thinking, cool. Is this all about you see?

And it took a while for me to understand

that the 11 step, the way that this stuff is set up, they break this stuff down and they tell us what to do in the morning. They tell us what to do at night. And it could be as brief as it needs to be. It could be as drawn out as you want it to be. But the point is, is that we spend time with God. Let me, if you're a parent, what's the coolest thing in the world? Spending time with your kids, especially as they get older. What's even cooler, spending time with them. It's like they, they, they did, they come through our lives so fast. And sometimes it's like, I don't, we don't even have to talk. I just

crap. I just love being in the room with my kids.

Just love it. And it occurred to me one night, isn't that the same thing that God wants? Just be in the same room with you? To be just there. You don't have to be flapping your gums. You don't have to be telling him a bunch of crappy already knows. Just wouldn't it be great just to be in the room with him, you see? And you got to know that he's sitting there going, Yeah, that's my kid right there. Yeah, he used to be a drunken bum, but look at him now. He's OK. You see? It's got to be cool.

And the results of that stuff is that I began to be less and less offensive and I began to be able to see things

that went on during the day and I could write them down briefly at the end of the night just so I could go to sleep. And I get up the next morning and I take that little list that I did. It just takes me 15 seconds to do it at night. I stepped on them. I was a little short with them. I need to spend some more time with them. And then that's it. Then I go to bed in the morning, I get up and I do what they've asked me to do in the in the in the work. It takes me just a few minutes to do that and then I'm ready to rock'n'roll Page 164 in our in the book, it talks about

God will constantly disclose more to you and to us.

What a great line. I used to think it was Bill Wilson just rhetorically saying something vague. I didn't realize that what it was was Bill Wilson telling me the truth. I've come to believe that God may indeed be trying to tell me something every moment of every day. And it's my job to slow down long enough to listen to what he's saying. You see, And when I, when I have succumbed to that and I just do what it is that I'm supposed to do, I find that my life gets better That, that, that my, my, my dealings with my family are better, my dealings