The Primary Purpose Group's 12 step weekend in Cannes, France

Welcome.

My name is Simon. I'm a recovered alcoholic.

Sobriety date is June 20, 2003. Like to give a warm welcome to everyone to this open workshop hosted by the Primary Purpose group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Cannon on Tea. We're looking forward to hearing our speakers stories tonight. But first, let's get the meeting started with the original AA preamble.

We are gathered here because we are faced with the fact that we are powerless over alcohol and unable to do anything about it without the help of a power greater than ourselves. We feel that each person's religious views, if any, are his own affair. The simple purpose of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is to show what may be done to enlist the aid of a power greater than ourselves, regardless of what our individual conception of that power may be.

In order to form a habit of depending upon and referring all we do to that power, we must at first apply ourselves with some diligence.

By often repeating these acts, they become habitual and they help rendered becomes natural to us.

We've come to know that as Alcoholics we suffer from a serious disease for which medicine has no cure and the only a spiritual experience may conquer. Our condition may be the result of an allergy which makes us different from other people.

It has never been permanently cured by any treatment with which we are familiar. The only relief we have to offer is absolute abstinence,

the second meaning of a A There are no Jews or feet. The only requirement for membership is an honest desire to stop drinking. Each member squares his debt by helping others to recover. An Alcoholic's Anonymous member is an alcoholic who, through application of an adherence to the AA 12 Step program, has foreton the use of any and all alcoholic beverages in any form. The moment he takes so much as one drop of beer, wine, spirits, or any other liquid containing alcohol, he automatically loses all status as a member.

Alcoholics Anonymous AA is not interested in sobering up drunks who are not sincere in their desire to stay sober for good and for all.

Not being reformers, we offer our experience only to those who want it. We have a way out upon which we can absolutely agree,

in which we can join in brotherly in harmonious action. Really, have we seen a person file who has thoroughly followed our program? Those who do not recover are people who will not or cannot give themselves to this simple program. Now you may like our program or you may not, but the simple fact is remains that it works and we believe is our only chance to recover. There is a vast amount of fun included in our A. A fellowship. Some people might be shocked at our seeming worldliness and levity, but just underneath there lies a deadly earnestness and a

realization that we must put things thirst. And with each of us the first thing is the solution to our alcoholic problem. To drink is to die. Faith must work through 24 hours a day, through us and in us all, we perish. In order to set our time for this meeting, I ask that if we could all bow our heads and join in a few moments of silent prayer and meditation followed by the Serenity Prayer.

God promises serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I wish to remind you that whatever he said here at this meeting expresses our own individual experiences. As of today. We do not speak for a as a whole and you are free to agree or disagree with anything that is said here tonight. In fact, it is recommended that you pay no attention to anything that cannot be reconciled, which is what is in the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous.

This is an open meeting, and as such, all you have an interest in alcoholism and our program of recovery are welcome. Because this is an open meeting, you need not identify yourself nor your reason for being here. If you don't wish to do so, your anonymity will be protected. We ask that you protect out. While this is an open meeting, membership in Alcoholics Anonymous and in the Primary purpose group of Alcoholics Anonymous is limited to those who have a serious drinking problem and have a desire to stop drinking for good and for all. There are a number of other fellowships that deal with problems other than alcoholism.

We will be happy to try to help you find the one that will meet your needs.

Just two announcements. We'd like to ask all present to please turn down the volume of their mobile phones and pages to limit disturbances to this meeting. For safety purposes. There are fire exit to the right, at the back, fire exit to the left. Some of you may need it.

There is a toilet at the back on the left.

Our first speaker will run for about an hour and an hour and 15. We can have a 15 minute coffee break

and I'll introduce our second speaker. So with that, would you please give a very, very warm welcome to our first speaker tonight who's come all the way from Texas? Please give a very warm welcome to Chris R.

That was a nice introduction. Quick, fast, no big setup so you'll fall miserably on your face. This is that was good. Thank you.

I love this looking down on you like that. This is great. This is great. My name is Chris Kramer. I'm a grateful recovered alcoholic and I, I am, you know, honored to be here. I got to thank, you know, Simon and Peter for putting up with us and arranging this and, and I got to thank everybody that bought a ticket, you know, to this. I, I, you know, it's expensive doing this. I've said it a million times years ago, you know, a couple, a couple, $100 you can fly anywhere and do a little talk and workshop. And now

this is this is this is expensive even for y'all. So I mean, that's thanks so much for letting us come and we appreciate it. I can't imagine living in a place like this. I mean it truly, I used to say, why don't you move to Texas? I said, why the hell would you? I mean, it's just we have nothing there compared to this. This is gorgeous. We just discovered the water out here. Look, water is like, Oh my God,

oh, I got a chance to go to Monte Carlo this morning drive around over there. It's we proved that the the casinos there will take your $20 as fast as Vegas as well. This is pretty good. So I don't know I'm honored to be here. I, I hope this weekend we get a chance to settle once and for all who the evil twin is so we can stop discussing that. And

that means I'm going to try to be on my best behavior. I I want to make sure

we kind of all get on the same page.

Several months ago I was doing a talk up in North Texas and is a nice little country girl sat down across the table for me while I was eating right before I spoke. You all know me, some of y'all know me well in this room and this gathering and I I get kind of nervous before I talk and as I know it's God that's doing it, blah, blah, blah. It's me standing up here fixing to get my butt kicked. So I mean, I, I stand a little nervous and so she sits down, sits down and just looks at me and while I'm eating and I'm mid, mid four can she says, well, I've heard your CDs.

So is everybody so, well, I agree with most everything you say.

Follow that. Let me translate that for you. In Texas, that means. But there are a few things I don't agree with and we're going to discuss it now.

And we did. And I, I got a little cranky with her there for a minute. I, I, you know, guys, jeez, it's like Simon said, we read it in the preamble. There's no gurus in a, a, we're, we're not professionals. We're not, you know, I want to come up here for the next couple of days and we're going to do a little workshop tomorrow and kind of talk about sponsorship and about working the steps. And we're going to stop here to share some thoughts with you the way we have done the steps,

maybe some mistakes we've made, some things that we do that you might be able to take pieces of and go on down the road with and, and be a more effective sponsor. Maybe, maybe, maybe even experience happier sobriety. Oh, what a thought. One of the things that we're going to have to bring into this is a little thing called open mindedness. It still freaks me out. I traveled about 40 weekends out of the year and that's a lot, lot of time in airports speaking. And it's like, and we, we, we do these talks and it's like some of you catch fire.

Some of these people, they just, no matter what you say, they get, they get grindy with you. They want to get irritated with you because my sponsor says this, my counselor at treatment said this. And it's like, buddy, I'm not up here to argue with your sponsor. I'm not up here to argue with your counselor,

Simon. Just read it. It's it's our really strong suggestion that if you can't reconcile it with what's in the big book, you might ought to just hold it, suspect, forget it.

Worst case makes sense. If we can have an open mind to this and maybe look at maybe we don't have all the pieces. Maybe we could learn something and just we could all just head a little closer to the light, as it were. I, I'm a firm believer that sobriety was supposed to be about, about about happiness is about, about some comfort inside. I, I know dry time folks. I can talk to you about being dry in the program and and in the fellowship and just being miserable and not a happy camper. And I, some of the stuff that I

talk about comes from that I, I work for a treatment center if there's a place in Hunt, TX that I work. And that's a, I've been fortunate enough to work there for about 15 years. And it's a full, it's a full service, like big treatment center, detox, 30 day Plus where we do all this, all the work around it, good therapy, psychiatrists, medical.

It's the full meal deal. It's quite expensive and it's a lovely place for me to work. But I got a chance to watch a lot of people get sober because of that. And I get a chance to watch a lot of people

not get sober. Y'all with me? I'm seven years in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous myself from about 1981 to about 1987 when I finally came back in and started doing some things a little different. So I know what it's like to be miserable in the fellowship. And I know what it's like to have people who have had the the program laid out in front of them and then for them just to walk away from it. Because don't you understand, this is an individual program and I can do it any way I want. And then watch them die. I mean, I, I'm, I'm in a little microcosm. I get to watch people

not get this every day. They die, they go to jail, they ruin families and that's all. So sometimes if I do, if I come across a little, a little,

I don't know what's mean. I don't, I don't know in the translation, if I come across a little cranky, a little irritable, restless and discon, it's like, I'm not mad. It's like what I tried to tell this little girl, you know, it's like, but, but this is life and death And this is the maybe the first thing I need to talk to you about tonight is it's like tonight in my talk, you know, I'm talking to the, to the real Mccoys and, and, and I need to tell you this tomorrow. We got you for about six or seven hours and we're going to do a little, a little run through with the steps and try to help clear up some stuff. But I'm there again, I'm talking to the real alcoholic

and the real drug addict. You'll follow what I'm saying. I'm not there to talk to the little disco drunk. If you could come into these rooms and stay sober in the fellowship and you're happy, Joyce, and free you with me. And you don't need God. You don't need the spiritual experience. And you Dang sure don't need to work the 12 steps. Man, I am so proud of you. Rock on. How cool. I, I just, I don't have a bone to pick with you at all

unless I say you try to carry that watered down message to some poor little little drunk who's the Real McCoy. And then I get a little tweaky about it. Makes sense. Not going to say much. You can do it. That's the problem in our fellowships is we've got a lot of people that have never done this work that want to talk a lot about it and it, and it's a little frustrating for me. And so alcoholism is is a is a fatal progressive illness

years ago. Where's Julian here?

Years ago we, we spoke in Switzerland and there was some, there was some literature just coming out at that particular time about the genetic predisposition. And I got to tell you guys pretty much working at this hospital, we get to see all the cutting edge stuff that comes down to Pike and pretty much the jury's in on this, this one. There'll be people that want to argue it, but the bottom line is the, the evidence is pretty much there. Alcoholism is genetic in nature. I know there's a lot of people out there that drink

a lot because of of certain other situations.

Your social life you're living is maybe some trauma that you're trying to get through, whatever. I mean, there's a lot of things that can exacerbate the problem and make it worse. But but true alcoholism is genetic in nature. We catch this

at conception. You're with us and a lot of people want to get cranky about that in treatment. We want to blame that on something else. But the truth of the matter is that's that's pretty much what it boils down to. Myers and I, our father was was an alcoholic and is as good a man as you'd ever want to come across. But but he had the genetic bullet and and he passed it on to us. I've got a little sister and a half sister that have never had a problem with alcohol. It's just

we were, we were going to buy beer for them. One time they were having a New Year's Eve party and so we were going to go get some beer

and I says, how much do you want us to buy? And she says, oh, well, I think about it like one of those 12 pack things will be enough. I said, geez, how many people are coming to this? Is it just us or what? I mean it's she says neither. There should probably be 7580 people here. And that's like

what, you know, so it's like, and my little sister, she, that's the biggest joke forever with us is she's, she's always the, you know, let's go have a couple of drinks. And

that's what she means. Let's go have a couple of drinks. And I, we can't relate it. We go have a couple of drinks and that craving kicks in and we're off to the stupid races. And so, I mean, it's genetic. We were raised in the same family. And I don't think anybody wants to argue that, but I'm, but from doing this for years, guys, I've been sober 20 years and I've been doing this from the podium for about 15. And, and, and the ones that get crankier, the ones that have been using the trauma

as an excuse for their drinking forever. And they're the first ones that want to beat the line up here to come and complain them about what I've said. And I'm just, I'm not, I'm not saying ever that that stuff didn't make it worse. It because it did. Oh my gosh, some of you guys who carrying around such baggage and, and I'm so excited for you because maybe tomorrow, if you'll do what we ask you to do, you can finally let that stuff go. I'm so thrilled with the possibility of that.

If if you choose to continue to carry it,

don't blame me.

Cool with that.

This will be fun.

This will be fun. You can't argue with somebody'd experience. I mean, I I just that's the bottom line. I I I'm I'm I'm I'm, I'm I have a I'm in a little sponsorship lineage. That's that's pretty rigid big book thumpers and their experience. And they taught us and we turned around and taught the guys that we sponsor. And so basically that's where we're coming from this week and we're just sharing some experience and I'm going to say this going in the door and I'm going to mention it again in the morning when we start this. I'm not a big one on semantics with the steps. You know, I think

cool. This is I don't give a rat's, but if you do a four column four step or a three column four step or an 8 column extended force don't care. I care that you do it. You follow. We got people relapsing folks, not because they did a third step prayer incorrectly. We have people relapsing because they did no third set prayer whatsoever. You'll follow. I don't think Bill Wilson wrote this stuff is the letter of the law and we have a lot of people out there in a a land trying to split hairs. You do. Do you do a written?

It depends on how busy I am. You know, I just, I don't know. I don't, I don't, I don't think it matters. You might think it matters. I I don't. What I see is people just flat refusing to do anything that makes them the least bit uncomfortable and, and the results are always the same. The thing called the spiritual malady comes back. I got a friend of mine about six months ago that walked out on the porch and hung himself.

Tragic. I've known this guy since I've moved to the Hill Country. For about 15 years he'd been in and out of of the fellowship.

His name was Bill W and he was as nice and old country boy you'd ever come across. But every time he set alcohol down, the internal condition would kick his butt and the depression would come back. Now, that could have alleviated this by simply working the 12 steps, but he always had an excuse to get around it. His was his religion. Well, I'm just going to do the church. Well, how cool.

Your soul may be intact, but you're going to die of alcoholism if you don't get busy doing this work.

This is a program of action, folks. We've got a thing called a fellowship, which is what we do in our meetings a lot of times and afterwards and eat and coffee and our phone numbers we exchange. And that's a wonderful part of this program. That's why I've known so many of you. I know dozens of you in this room. I've met at other places. The fellowship is alive and well. We also have a thing called a program, which is the 12 steps. And that's what really I got to tell you guys. That's what ties some of us together. That's why some of us have known each other for years and we will know each other till the death because we're all in that same trench, actually doing the work.

Each, as I'm going to say, each in our own way, Bill Wilson up in the front and Bill's story, he says each in our own way tried to carry this message. You'll follow. It's not like you're going to carry it my way. We have enough Chris Reimers, thank you very much. We don't need another one. You know, we don't we just we don't, we don't need another Myers Raymond. We don't need another Dewey. We, we, we put you in your own way. This this thing we call God is going to use you to carry the message to somebody else. We need people that can carry it gently and we need people that can

pick up a battle axe and carry it that way too. I fall in that ladder.

I can question my methods, but you'll never question my motives. My motive is absolute love. I want you to hear the message. And it was somebody pretty forceful to got in my face when I got sober. And that's that's that's the only thing that would have worked for me. A guy stopped me not long ago. I was in a place and he says, Chris, I just, you know, we just need to take these people and love them until they can love themselves.

Buddy. That's the crap. That's the

I'm not cussing from the podium anymore, but I'm going to. That's rubbish, That's ridiculous. That's what people try to do for me for seven years was love me into recovery. I'm going to love you, love you, love you, love you. You just go sit on your little butt and drink a bunch of coffee and, and, and pick, get some numbers and we're going to and you're going to be OK. No, you're not.

And hugs, my wife pointed out. We got some hugs. And I love, I love hugs.

Oh my gosh,

I mentioned this. We're going to talk about it tomorrow, but you need guys in here. Some of you guys. We got people staying away from this fellowship period because they just cannot stand being touched by other people. And yet we we think it's our right to come up and I need to hug you. I need to hug. This is the eight guys. This is the universal sign of I don't want to hug your butt

like this.

They start to walk up like this.

We all know in a A when an AA hug becomes an AA hump, it's time to back off.

You ever see it? I want to be the greeter. Why? You know, it's like someone busted up guy like like Peter

walks in the room and everybody's hi, welcome, welcome, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. Welcome, welcome. You get some good looking babe, walk in. You know, like like this. Let me give you an A hug. Let me be the what is that about? We need to stop that nonsense. I guarantee you

that is a etiquette. We got to do a workshop just on A8 etiquette.

I don't know.

Yeah, wait a week in the hug, but they get the number right off the bat. And she may, I don't know. I, I, I work in this hospital and one of the things that my I focus on a lot is this thing called the spiritual malady. And we're going to talk about it a lot tomorrow. I'm an advocate for again, for, for happiness in the fellowship and, and, and a sense of, of ease and comfort. The book promises me as a result of work in the steps, one of the things I battled all of my adult life

was depressing.

And even in sobriety, I have battled depression and I've had to talk to a lot of people about it. And, and I've, and I've got some thoughts on that. The country in the United States right now, we're being inundated with, with, with medical solutions for depression. And, and what I want to mention to some of you guys that's going in the door here. One of my big soap boxes is one of the first things that happened to me as a result of work in the 12 steps over, the obsession to drink lifted and oh by the way, the depression went away.

But what our solution is now was reading a book the other day. 227 million prescriptions of antidepressants last year.

Listen guys, the largest most prescribed group of medications on earth

more than pain medication is antidepressants.

Two 6.5 million prescriptions in the United States alone of sleep medication,

sleep aids. Y'all know what I'm talking about? They have that here at the heavily Nesta here the big green butterfly. Oh,

and they all, they're all the pharmaceutical companies. So it's, it's not, not addictive, except I've got a hospital full of people that are there because the physical allergy got triggered by it. But I'm not knocking it. You're taking sleep medication at your business. But I'm saying this, you're, you're, you're being awful risky and chancy with it. And, and what's taking place is we're seeing is that a lot of relapses of people that long term sobriety we're starting to see come back in the fellowship

in the hospital where I work, 15 years ago, we'd have one or two people every so often it would come back in with 15 years of sobriety and lost it. 10 years of sobriety and lost it. You with us. They're mostly new people right now. I've got a third of our population had five or more years and lost it. Now what happened? Oh, something triggered them. Rubbish, absolute rubbish. What happened was they didn't do the work because they were staying sober one day at a time, not doing anything, and the discomfort came back

and at a certain point they had to make a decision. I'm either going to jump off a bridge, I'm going to go out on the porch and hang myself like my friend Bill did, or I'm going to take some kind of medication to fix the problem. They don't understand that the same thing can be treated by doing the work. Make sense? We work and rework the steps in my sponsorship lineage. For some some of you old geezers out here that did the steps 20 years ago, you might want to look at doing it again. Not because you're fixing to drink, but because you might get a whole heck of a lot happier. Makes sense.

It's amazing to me how controversial that is. Takes the breath away. Marge and I were raised down in the Hill Country. We were born out in West TX and

we moved to the UP in the Texas Hill Country. I'm always almost embarrassed to say that here. I mean,

Dang it, it's just a bunch of little hills and they're so they just can't compare with this. I don't know what to say, but it's a it's a very nice place in Texas And so a lot of people move there and

mom's a professional artist and still alive and kicking and and there was number goofy stuff in our families. We had a very nice family. We were raised in the front row of the Baptist Church and and we look back, we didn't have a lot of money, but I mean, I didn't know it at the time. We certainly just were never really affected by that. And in high school we started chipping a little bit. My father was was again like with drinking and we understood. I remember a conversation we had at the breakfast table

time and mom was trying to explain it it pops had gone to his first AAA meeting and I'll never forget it. And I remember there was a period of time he that he got sober and, and, and we'd see him around a lot more and, and he was just kind of available. And then I remember something happened that twisted him off and he was off to the races again. He ended up throwing his book away and he got drunk again and that was the end of the deal. But

I knew that there was a thing called Alcoholics Anonymous. But I also remember sitting with my brother at the place called the Mason Jar in Houston, TX, and the bar still there. And we were sitting there on our 21st birthday. And I looked over at him. He said, you know, buddy, we're, we're just getting to be a lot like pops. You know, I don't know what to say here, but we're, you know, he says, yeah, you know, we're going to have to really watch this. Could we have a couple more beers here, please? And we just kept right on going. And it was like, it was my deal. We we both made conscious acknowledgement of the fact that the alcohol was becoming an issue with both

of us. Horrendous hangovers, compromised stuff. We were just but we weren't going to stop. I had a budding career in the food business. I'd gotten a job at a big hotel in in Houston. I was pretty exciting and he was tending bar for heavens sakes and making a lot more money than I was making. And, and it was, life was pretty good and we were 21 in Bulletproof

and we had a little period of time, what we would call functioning alcoholism. I can't speak for him, but for me, I had a period of time where just we weren't robbing liquor stores and going to jail and doing all the goofy stuff. We were holding it together pretty good. But it was affecting me and it was affecting people around me. And

I start to climb a little corporate ladder in the food business and it was pretty successful. I start the geographics pretty early. I start moving around as a cook, you know, it's just you go and work someplace for a while and then you move someplace else and move somebody. And I'm always right ahead of the, the gun, you know,

your drinking is getting a little bit out of hand. Oh, guess what? I'm fixing to quit. And that's basically it. And I would move to, I moved to Austin, I moved to Atlanta, I moved to Dallas and I moved back to Kerrville for a while where I grew up and moved back to Houston a bunch. Always loved

not a happy camper. Mid mid 70s I see a one of the owners of the restaurant that I worked at questioned me on my drinking and he says I think you need to see this therapist. And I saw my first therapist in Houston, TX, downtown Houston. And the therapist explained that my drinking was basically caused by my depression and that if I would alleviate my depression I would be OK. And I remember pretty excited about this How how Dang this is pretty good. And he gave me my first prescription of antidepressants

and which I swallowed with alcohol. And it doesn't work real well when you do that. But I mean, I'm taking this medication and I'm feeling better and I'm doing pretty good. And I, I start having periods of sobriety, a little short moments where I can set the alcohol and drugs down. Drugs figured in the late 70s. And, and I'm not a happy camper. I'm really, I'm really self-conscious and all the internal stuff that the bedevilments in the big book talks about is eating my butt. This low self esteem that we talk about, this feeling of uselessness.

Every time I see another therapist, they give me some pills. You know, you Chris, you're having a little trouble focusing. Have you ever been tested for adult attention deficit disorder? No, what's that? So, well, they actually give you kind of, they give you some kind of well and basically it's like I'll never forget the guy looked and says basically it's like speed, but if you're adult attention deficit, it'll help you. Well, I'm drinking and taking antidepressants and now I'm taking adult attention deficit medication. The speed kind of knocks off the edge there a little bit.

Guys, if you can keep all this stuff kind of adjusted pretty well it it works. We call it living better Chemically

that's

there. There were times you overdo it and kind of knock off at dinner. The food kind of falls out of your mouth and it's it's not real.

I I, I got married in the late to my first wife and to the late in the late 70s and early 80s. We moved to Denton up closer to Myers to be closer to them and, and and he's drinking like a fish. I mean, he truly, I could have gotten sober then, but he, he,

he had such a bad influence on me that we're like buddies and we're drinking our butts off and, and I've discovered some other outside issues to take along with the medication I'm taking and the alcohol and it's nuts. And we didn't last long as a as a, as a marriage,

Karen and I gotten a little altercation one night and it was just nasty. And she said, Chris, why did this happen? What what happened? She said, you know, it's the alcohol, you know, it's the drugs. Would you stop? You need to stop drinking. And I promised her that night I would

just like I promised some other people I would too. And again, it was it was one of the most graphic illustrations of some time that I said, I'm going to stop and meant it. You're with us in treatment. There's a there's a party line BS that says, well, if an Alcoholics mouth moving, he's lying. You know what? I find that so disrespectful. I know that that's true sometimes, but there were times that I told people that I really loved and respected bosses and, and employers, people that I worked with that I was going to quit. And, and I, and I, and I was going to because I thought that I had the power to do that

first step says we were powerless over alcohol. But I mean, I'm not buying any of that crap. I mean, I understand it's affecting me, but I think if, if I have a good enough reason, I can quit. And this was a pretty good reason. There was a nice lady and I wanted to do the right thing. And so I stopped. And two weeks later somebody asked me if I wanted to drink. And I remember the mental gymnastics I took around that drink. I remember thinking, you know what? I didn't say anything about it. I, I, what I told her is that I wasn't going to get drunk anymore. And I had a couple of beers and went over to the house and she smelled me from the front porch. He said, buddy,

two weeks it's been golden. What happened? He says I'm not drunk. She said I didn't say you were drunk, but my deal with you was that we weren't going to do anymore alcohol and we weren't going to do anymore dope. She was done. You'll follow a few weeks. She'd packed and moved and she was gone. That was that was a done deal. I moved in with Myers, which I thought was a the craziest thing I ever did. And I I no, because Myers and his wife here at London, I mean, they were the nicest people on earth. Thank God for families. I've said it from a million podiums. If it hadn't been for family, I'd have been on the street.

I mean, I've spent time in Houston eating out of dumpsters. And if it hadn't been for family, I would have been back there again. This is nuts. And,

and I'm thinking if I could just get it together, if I could just, I got out of the restaurant business. I went to work for my brother. And I mean, heck, working for the family was pretty cool, you know, and, but but it didn't stop me from drinking. And I just

in 1987, I am crazy and I'm working for him and he's looking the other way. I know I'm not a great employer employee and I,

I wish I could explain

in stage alcoholism

is there's so many of us don't ever get there because, because there's so, so many people stopping us from getting there. Y'all understand? There's so too many people knocking the beer out, slamming us back in treatment. So a lot of us don't ever end up doing the crazy things we do. But physically I'm dying. I've got kidney damage and liver damage and I'm, I'm exhausted 24/7. My colors off and and I'm seeing the doctors say, Chris, you know, you're you're spitting up blood,

you're dying of this, But I'm not again, I'm not looking. I'm not my external world doesn't look that bad. I'm driving an O beat up truck. That's a given. But I mean, I'm not going to jail and I'm not doing a lot of crazy stuff. The fact that I have a little apartment and I have a job

separates me from all the other real drunks. You live it and I've been in a A for seven years. After that first wife laughed. I went to Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm a meaty making fool. I'll go to meetings all over North Texas. But what I, what you guys have told me there is that I have to have at least one or two DWI to qualify to be in your fellowship. Real Alcoholics have DWI. Real Alcoholics beat their wives. Real Alcoholics. Black out,

black out. What do you mean pass out? I passed out.

No, no, no driving around. No. How do you do that?

No, exactly in stage alcoholism for some of us, as fast as the disease progresses, we have things called blackouts, but every everybody doesn't experience that. Jeez. Anyway, I'm looking at listening to all of your stupid war stories in these meetings and all I can do is separate myself from you. I mean, even the women are drinking more than I am. I mean, I and I am just not going to go there. You know, I'll call myself an alcoholic from, from the from the from the group or but I'm not. I don't anymore believe it than a man in the moon. I'm a very misunderstood alcohol abuser,

says the counselor given me this term. You're not an alcoholic, you are an alcoholic abuser as he closed his DSM 3R, you know, and it's I believe you're the symptoms you show you're an abuser, not an alcoholic.

Rock on. Sit out in the truck. You know, guess what he said. I'm not an alcoholic. Gun gun. This is nuts

and done. So anyway, I'm sitting in meetings for seven years. Listen to you do two things. Listen to you try to scare me into recovery with your stupid pathetic war stories.

To this day I can't stand to hear from from the podium Guys is a great place to share your war story in. A 12 step call is absolutely essential that you have a war story you follow. But from in sitting around a meeting? Why are you going to tell me how you drank again? Like I forgot since last week? This is nuts. Nowhere in the book does it say we're supposed to remind each other every day how much we drank and how we drank it. Oh my God,

war stories. People misunderstand what I say this from the podium that you said our war stories are not important. Have never said that. I'm saying use some discernment. What you're not going to ever scare anybody into recovery. You follow, you might threaten somebody and get them to go to treatment or get them to go to a a, but that's not going to stop them from drinking. If that would work, there would be a chapter in here called into scare. You know,

there's not. So let's move on the stupid war stories and then the little junior therapy meetings that we all over the world now, you know, let's go to the meeting and talk about our day. Oh yes, let's

like hearing about your stupid grandkids one more time is going to keep me sober today.

Now I've offended all your grandmothers. I'm sorry,

let's move on. Let's move on

I am going insane 1987 Fast forward I'm working for my twin brother and it's overcast day and I drive home it's it's a Thursday and I I went and got a 12 pack of beer and went to my apartment picked up a stack of return checks and went into my little apartment and no furniture. I'm just sitting on the floor and I'm opening these checks and I'm just sick. I'm just so disgusted with myself and I'm 35 years old and I'm physically dying. I I can't make any decisions. Y'all understand that the book is great up in the doctor's opinion?

Our problems pile up on us and they become astonishingly difficult to solve. And that's with me. I mean, I can't decide what to have for dinner, what clothes to put on.

If I had it had two patches, I would have been, you know, I would have been in a cul-de-sac in my bathroom trying to figure out which one to put on because I can't. I just can't get off dead center. And

we just frustrate people in the restaurants. You know, what do you want to eat? I just don't. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know,

I'm insane and I'm hearing voices and I'm not not a happy camper. Myers talked to me one night. We were laughing. We were talking about something. He was talking about going and picking up a Christmas tree at Christmas time and here in the Christmas trees talk to him and I remember shit, I me too. I can somebody understood that. I I absolutely so

I probably shouldn't told that. I'm sorry

it's too late now, but this is where it goes. And, and I, I,

I'm sitting there on the floor and I, I know I'm gonna have to go the next day. Linda is my personal banker. Every time I bankrupt another checking account, she figures out how I can get unbanked. She lends me money, we get out of deal and bless her heart, like I said again, if it hadn't been for family and, and I know I'm going to have to go to her again and I just can't do it. It's Christmas time and I know there's not going to be any money for gifts and that you'll. I have done folks 19 years. I've been drinking and drugging, telling people I'm going to stop and I can't do it. And I've lost

I, I've lost hope.

I have done therapy, 10 years of it. Thank you very much. I know where I fit in the lineage of good child, bad child, evil. I understand all I've done all of that. I know about my mom. I've talked about my dad. I've I