The topic of "Believe in the Promises" at the Space To Recover conference in Sedalia, CO

My my name is Eat, it's anonymous. My name is Keith and I'm a sexaholic and I'm really grateful to be alive and sober in here.

My sponsor told me that I should introduce myself by saying that I want to smoke a cigarette and have sex with my wife. I told him I didn't really want to do that. I mentioned it to Kelly and she said she thought it'd be funny.

And, and as I was thinking about it and I talked to my sponsor again just this evening before this, I told him that and he said again that he thought it would probably be the way to start out being honest.

You know, as an addict, I have a problem being honest, you know,

and he didn't care if it was funny or not. He just thought it's more important that I be honest. And I thought, you know, I wonder it's, it's really amazing how many times in my life I set out and have these plans and ideas and I mentioned them to my wife and my sponsor and other people in my life and how many times they veto them. You know, they like, that's not really a good idea. I think you should do this.

And

you know, so that I'm really nervous and I need to say that too,

you know,

you know, I I've been thinking about how to incorporate my story and and the promises because always before, whenever we talked or done or I've done any talks myself, I've always you know, it's just been my story. You know, I'm just Keith sexaholic. I don't ever have a topic, you know, just

just talk, you know, fill up 40 minutes, fill up 50 minutes, whatever, you know.

And, and so I asked my sponsor again and, and this is a big theme in my life is that I asked for direction today.

And part of that is the reason why the promises are coming true in my life. You know, I used to not ask for direction or, or I would,

I like to say that the first years in the program, I took probably about one out of 40 suggestions. You know, I've called people and I asked them a question or something and they'd give me a suggestion and, and 39 of those suggestions I throw away automatically in one that seemed like it wasn't that tough. I do.

And today, you know, it may be 3 out of 10. So I'm not there. I'm not at a point where I'm, I'm entirely recovered, but I'm like, I'm at a point where I'm, I have more willingness today than I ever have. And I'm really grateful for that. The nature of my addiction is compulsive masturbation, fantasy and pornography. It's very boring.

Most people who come into Sexaholics Anonymous have acted out in more extreme ways than I have.

I, I, I think it's funny that the reason why I'm here is because I tried harder than most people to quit acting out with less success than most people have.

I tried every way I could possibly imagine. And I, it didn't slow this disease down at all. You know, it didn't, I mean, it didn't even make a dent. It just, it is, I mean, you know, I guess it's kind of like jumping off a Cliff and and trying to, you know, flap my arms. And for some reason, it just didn't slow me down, you know, and at some point,

you know, you know,

August to September 2002, they're pretty tough times in my life. And I,

I was, I was beat by this disease. My ego had a hole punched in it. And it's just enough to let God in, you know, and I didn't, I didn't even understand this God thing, but it's just enough to let this power greater than myself in that has given me some freedom from acting out

now. You know, this whole thing with my my, you know, my story is they have an interesting connections with Colorado.

Some of the worst years of my life have spent in Colorado.

I, I lived in Durango. I think it's 84 and 85. I, I lived in the springs or well, the residence was actually in the springs and I was detained in, in, in,

in Pueblo, in the state hospital in 86 in my 16th birthday. I actually got to spend in that facility, in the maximum security facility that they had there at the time. I didn't even know if it's still open. That's been some years and I know a lot of that stuff goes away. So I've had some fear and trepidation too, about coming back to Colorado. We came back for

nine years ago, probably visited my sister.

But in the promises, you know, it talks about this and, and I was told to go through these

and, and I guess if I just tell my story, it's probably going to get them all blurred up and mixed up, you know, and it says if we were painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through

9 1/2 step 9 1/2.

You know, that's where before we were halfway through because we're talking about the 9th step in the big book on page 83 and

you know, before we're halfway through and I can tell you how much step 9 1/2 is. My sponsor told me I'm a slow step worker. I don't suggest it, but I

just last week I went and did did the amends with my grandparents and my mom's side. My other my grandparents on my dad's side are deceased and they haven't come up in any step work. I didn't really know them that well.

I resented that grandma and was grateful that she lived long enough to treat my wife respectfully. And that used a lot of those resentments. And I don't have any amends, but with my grandparents on them, mom's side, I had some amends to make to them

and I was able to go up. And one of the things that, you know, we will not regret the past, you know, or we're going to know a new freedom and a new happiness is the next promise.

All the amends I've made to people, right? If something happens, I don't feel any magic at the time, you know, I went and talked to my grandparents and sat down. It was nice, you know, and this. And I hadn't seen them for a couple years, even though they only live, you know, 15 miles from me.

But it always had this shame, you know, of going around them. So I made these amends to my grandparents and I've made amends to one of my sisters and my one of my brothers and, you know, Kelly and the kids. And the amazing thing about a lot of these resentments that are these amends that I've made with these people is that

when I'm around these people, I have a freedom that I don't have. What the people haven't completed this step with. It's an amazing thing, you know, that like with my brother that I owed money to because I was not managing my affairs. I was acting out instead of working. And then I had a hard time supporting my family. So I'd call my brother, Hey, I need some money to pay my as we were separated and I needed money to pay my child support and, you know, and stuff like that. And I, you know, made those

back to him and, and I have a great relationship with him and my sister that lives in in Nashville. Actually, when we went there, I got a chance to make amends to her for some stuff that happened in Durango where I chased her with a machete. And now it's like

when I think about it and when I talk to her, it's it's just really at ease. It's a piece. It's like, this is OK. You know, I don't have that fear hanging over over my other sister who actually lives in Sprint in the springs here.

I haven't had the opportunity to, um,

you know, and that's, that's really difficult. And they pray that the opportunity will will come up with her

now. It says that we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

This is one of those promises that has, to the most part, come true to me. Sometimes

it took

in the other fellowship in AAI attended a a for 14 years before getting sober in an essay for and in that fellowship, I went to a lot of low bottom meetings because I related with the the guys that had just got out of prison. And the guys had done that because of my experience of being being locked up in different psych wards. And I wasn't locked up in psych wards because, I mean, I was nuts. OK, that's pretty, pretty fair statement. But I was locked up in psych wards because I was criminally nuts.

You know, I was a danger. And it wasn't like I had. And so I related with these guys. But for years, I would never talk about this experience. I would never talk about the fact that I had spent a year of my life in psychiatric units and at, you know, in the state of Colorado.

So there was a big portion of my story that I just wouldn't share. And in working this step, I talk about it now in meetings when it's appropriate, whether it's an essay meeting or an, a, a meeting or whatever meeting I'm at. If it seems appropriate, it's on topic, I'll talk about it because it's part of what I've gone through.

It's part of my life.

Umm, you know, some of the things when I'm like when Kelly and we have conversations and stuff, sometimes

I don't know if it's a that I regret the past. It's sometimes I wish I hadn't had to been such a jerk and and hurt so many people so bad to become teachable, you know,

and I don't know if that's regretting the passage, just like, you know, I'm grateful for where I'm at. I just wish it hadn't cost so many other people so much. You know, I and you know, that's something I work on on a daily basis and part of my immense to a,

my wife and my kids is a actually

not sitting down and going over every crappy thing that I did to them my whole life. Because I mean, there's a ton of them. And I don't always know when people like my children or my wife are willing to sit down and listen to this list. You know, by being willing to listen to them when they want to talk about the stuff that I've done. You know, like our son, I attempted suicide in a garage on his 8th birthday. Well, when do I bring that up to him?

Or do I just say, OK, he's going to remember it? And when he brings it up or the family brings up, hey, Dad, you remember the time the police and the ambulances and all those people were over?

Do I listen to them or just shut them down? You know, that's part of the way. You know, that's another thing with not regret in the past, just letting them talk about it and say you know my deal.

The next one here we will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

I, I used to think I knew what peace was,

you know, umm,

I think that did the, did the thing say 90 or 99? Because we got here at 99.

And I know we'd go to meetings and I'd talk at meetings and this and that and and I'd talk about every subject that has ever under the moon as if I was sealed and, and all ultimate authority. And thank God some of my friends in in essay

or crossovers too. And they've attended meetings with me and A and attended meetings with me in essay. And they finally told me, shut up. We don't want to hear what you're saying

because you're not living it, you know? And I'd talk about knowing serenity. I had no idea. I thought I knew what serenity was. Serenity was that kind of oblivion that you get when you act out enough that you don't feel anything anymore. You know?

You know, that's drunk, not Serenity. And you know, today Serenity is being OK no matter what's going on. You know, it's like, OK, I got,

you know, and that's something I actually have to workout. And I wish I could just like wake up in the morning, like, okay, God, let's skip and dance through the day and I'm going to be okay. But oftentimes I happen to forget about God. It's just like not even there. And I'll get myself all disturbed and worked up and pissed off and and life is just not going to work and and you know this and that's going to happen. And I'll totally forget that God's there.

And then I'll remember, OK,

maybe I should say a prayer. My head will say that isn't going to work. Every time I think about bread, my head says it's not going to work. Every time I pray it works,

my head always tells me a lie, you know, and the serenity, you know, when we, when I actually got sober, I thought our marriage was over. Kelly had filed for separation and, and there was restraining orders and, and different things there and I had to appear in court and do different things,

pay huge amounts of child support, which my disease had actually diminished my ability to earn an income. Even in a very early sobriety, I wasn't earning as much as I had a several years before since having a really difficult time. And this is the first time I ever actually got to know what peace was. Because it's like, that's OK. You know, I have enough today. It's OK.

You're going to be OK, Keith. Just keep doing what you need to do, you know, and I

kind of little side note, I was told by an old timer just about a month or so before I got sober to continue get on an injection to help with this disease. And I, I went ahead and did it and I went ahead and acted out anyhow on it. And then I've, I've continued to take that medicine and I have guys called me this, that gives them my number and they call me and they, they're looking for the magic bullet, so to speak. They want a medicine that'll take care of this thing. And I always tell them that in my first 30 days I was

in the shop, go into counseling, seeing my psychiatrist because he was kind of freaked out by the medicine that I was taken and go into between 2:00 and 5:00 meetings a day. And I don't ever hear from them again

because the they want to, you know, most of us want this magic. And that's what I thought when I got this shot. I thought this would be it because I was looking for the formula to end this acting out. You know, I, I was tired of the pain of acting out

and I continue to act out even on the shot. And, and I always think it's funny because I'm really grateful that after I took that and went on the last acting outrun that I went on that I was actually willing and broken enough to go to two to five meetings a day. And it wasn't all essay meetings. It was other fellowships because it's almost impossible to go to two five. Well, I don't think there's 5S8 meetings a day

in any town in North America.

So,

but, and that's part of the thing that during that first 30 days too, I remember I was living in a part of Portland, this my sponsor that I had at the time told me if you can stay sober living there, you can stay sober living anywhere.

And

God kept me sober living there. You know, I lived there for a month right in the crack section of town, you know, and when it was raining out, which it does, thankfully a lot of thrives in the winter, that helped me a lot. And I'm, you know, that was, you know, September through October, still raining stuff on the clear nights.

Streets were really noisy, you know, when it wasn't raining because the people were out in the streets, you know, getting their drugs and stuff. But

somewhere in there, one of the Sundays, I wasn't working, I wasn't doing anything. I had some laundry to do. I got up and I went to the 7:00 meeting and then there wasn't another meeting. There was other meetings scheduled throughout the day, but not an essay meeting until 7:30 at night. Our our biggest meeting in the Portland area and

and the amazing thing and that 1212 hours between those two meetings, I was OK and it's the first time I never felt OK. I went I was going to do to five meetings a day because I couldn't sit still. I was withdrawing from my drug and my mind was going nuts and I couldn't sit still and the only place I felt comfortable halfway was in a meeting. But within that first 30 days, I started getting freedom and the peace where I could sit there and not really do. I mean, laundry is not that challenging,

you know, and

sit there and do my laundry and clean up my room. And I watched a little NASCAR and NASCAR is not that grabbing, gravitating to me. It's something I can, you know, kind of as background noise and just be OK. And what a miracle. I mean, that just being OK. And I tell people today, this is the reason why I come back. You know, I don't come back necessarily to stay sober. I have to stay sober to have that feeling.

I come back because I want that feeling,

you know, I want that serenity. I want to know peace. I want to feel peace at about two months over. I think it was

our six year old daughter who had witnessed this,

this life. This is Adam. I had brought into our home who her dad had wouldn't show up. You know, me, I wouldn't show up at home or even after we were separated. I wouldn't show up at visitations and this and that. And she has some probably kind of like her dad, she has some mental health issues, you know, and she snapped at six.

Some of its biological

but a lot of situation

and during that time when we had the hospitalizer two different times and we were separated and

I think the restraining orders, we thought they were lifted. I'm not sure they were 100% legally lifted at the time we went to court and they had been lifted and I saw I could hang out with the kids or take the kids doctor's appointments and do this and that. So I was able to to go and, and, and be a part of that and to watch her just lose it and be OK

and,

you know, talk to my sponsor and go to my meetings and know, you know, this kid is going to be OK if I just, you know, this is going to be OK. I don't know. I didn't know really what's going to happen with her. I didn't know whether she's going to continue to slide downhill or whether her treatment or whatever would help. And you know, so, but knowing that I'd be OK, you know, was OK.

The next promise is no matter how far down the scale we have gone, we'll see how our experience can benefit others.

Other than

my favorite person in the world to talk to, actually, not probably realistically to my favorite person in normal to talk to or listen to is Kelly.

Other than that, it's sexaholics. You know, I prefer to talk to sexholics over Alcoholics.

I kind of get nervous. I don't say this to people, but when I meet people that I really like, you know, in the outside world, I kind of wonder if I'm going to run into a meeting sometimes. Maybe I should just slip and brochure.

And The funny thing is, is we talk a language here that I haven't heard any place else. You know, I mean, I'm a construction worker and I mean, you hear all the sort of stuff on the jobs We talk about the same sort of stuff to talk on construction sites. But we were in a in a form of language that's actually healing and healthy. And

it's only here, you know, we go to church and stuff like that. And I'm sure if they heard my story in our old church, knew my story,

our new church doesn't, I'm sure if they heard my story, they'd be like, well, that's kind of nice. Stay away from our kids. You know, it's only here that my story has really any value, you know, out there. I mean, you know, people don't want to hear it. You know, people don't want to know the depths of my mind. Trolls, you know, they don't. They don't care. They just want to know that, OK, Keith, you're going to show up and do the job you're told to do or you're going to pay your bills. Are you going to do all that sort of stuff

here when I'm talking to people? We had a newcomer come to tonight to our Vancouver meeting

and this is umm, you know, he shared. We did a newcomer breakout and we talked about this and that and, and at the end he asked a question

and his question was, you know, he looked at me and he said, is it possible to live without lusting?

You know, I understood what he's talking about

because I didn't believe it was possible to live without lusting.

But I know today and I could tell them with confidence and the other guys in the meeting could tell them to come. It is possible to live without lusting,

you know,

and you know that that comes from where I stand. That comes from not thinking, you know, you can't, I can't do this. I remember I used to call my sponsor 300 years of acting out

before he fired me and I would call him and say I just can't do this. And he'd say,

I know. And if you just believe that you'd be OK,

it's just a really frustrating, you know, I can't do this. Well die. You can't read the first step,

you know, and, and so that, that you know that that whole deal in knowing that, you know, a person and, and I've heard people say this before, and I believe it's true that, that if I can be kept sober, there isn't any reason why nobody else can't be, you know, my story isn't that much worse or I wasn't, you know, it's like

I listen to people in meetings and in sexaholics in a way that we think. And I know that if I can, if I can be kept sober, then there isn't, there isn't a sexaholic out there that can't be kept sober. And I believe that in the depths of my heart and the other sexologists I talked to when I was, I think my sponsors 15th birthday, when I was about nine or ten months sober,

and I sat in that meeting, they gave him his chip and they kind of did a, a style, you know, where they talk about the person, most of our meetings, they just give you a chip and they don't talk to you. They don't congratulate you, they don't do nothing. You know, we're just like, but this meeting, they kind of did a, a style where people would say, you know, the things that this guy had done for them or whatever. And and I got to thinking that guy had been sober every day, one day at a time for 15 years.

And the thing I realized and I got in that meeting

was it no matter what happens today, it can't be as bad as all those 15 years put together because a lot of stuff happens in 15 years. I mean, I had been sober nine or ten months and a lot of stuff had happened already. Well, you, you know, crunch that down into 15 years. There isn't nothing that happened bad enough that I have to act out today, period,

you know. And I believe that still today,

that feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear

again. You know,

I don't know if it's quite the right word. I sometimes struggle with words. I'm not a a big word guy,

but at times I feel like the work that we are doing, you know, each of us members of Sexaholics Anonymous are doing, is very important

and not only to me. I mean, I talk to people because it keeps me sober, but it's also important to life, to the general. I feel like there's a value there.

I feel like, you know, that possibly, you know, I can be helpful,

I think in dealing with my children. I I'm, you know,

you know, that whole deal was, you know, I, I woke up one day and I had five kids, you know, I mean, it's kind of the way I feel. You know, I was there in a kind of a brownout stage for all those years and it's like all of a sudden and now it's like, and, and now it's like, OK, how do I be a dad?

You know, how do I, how do I parent these children? And

there's some value there. I mean, you know, it's pretty obvious there's some value there. And I can only do that by, by being a member of Sexahox Moms by work in this program,

you know, and at work, you know, that I'm not drifting along losing ground at work anymore. You know, it's, I mean, it's crazy. I decided to start my own business and, and decide to see what God would do.

There's something and as Bill sees it, where he's writing a letter to a guy who's going to try a new career. And I talked to my sponsor about it and he says, as long as you're willing to try and it's just an experiment, you'll be okay. And I, so I've tried to live that and I, and for years I stayed in the same job with the same employer and going backwards because I was afraid that it wouldn't have enough money to act, you know, to act out. Well, towards the end of my disease, I wasn't carrying any money.

If I had money and then I'd go to the meeting, I had 7th tradition money in my pocket

and sometimes it'd be $5. And, and because I was afraid of carrying my no credit cards

and

I have the obsession to act out and I'd call somebody, they said throw the money out the window. So I throw the money out the window, right? And then I'd find myself stealing porn. And it's like, how does that work? You know, I kind of missed the whole thing of,

you know, of surrender. You know, it doesn't matter how many dollars you throw out the window, if you don't surrender your right act out, you end up acting out. But that whole feeling, you know, and I feel like, like today more than ever before in my life,

that there is value and meaning to my life. You know, there's a purpose for Keith to get up every morning, you know, and, and to do his prayer and meditations and to call his sponsor and to go to work and to do the best you can and to come home and to go to meetings and to, and to just be who, who he is. And there's A and always before it felt like, you know, I was, I mean, I did attempt suicide. It was kind of a chicken, chicken way of doing it. It wasn't very serious,

but I always wanted God to take me away, you know, I didn't want to actually have to do The Dirty job of committing suicide, but I didn't want to live anymore either, you know? It's just like this is too much. This is crap. There isn't no reason for me to be here. And today I actually feel like there's a reason to be alive. You know, I'm quitting smoking. I have been working on it for months. That's why I said I wanted to smoke a cigarette. I have both 3 weeks without smoking

and I had 30 days before that and then I smoked for eight days.

I'm doing kind of the same. It's crazy. I wish I could learn this stuff

and transfer it over from one problem to another, but I seem like I have to relearn it in each of the problems.

But one of the reasons why I want to quit smoking is because I want, I'm trying to tell my higher power that I want to live, you know, So I'm trying to do things in my life to say I, I care about my life. My life is important to me. I want to live. So I'm trying to change my behaviors to express that. I mean, I don't know what what God's going to say, but that's what I want to say. Whereas when I feel like I'm smoking and I'm doing all this other crazy stuff,

I'm dumb. I don't really care,

you know, and I'm also trying to have that message to my wife and to my kids and the other people that are around me, you know, that I want to be here, you know, I want to be a part of this thing. This is the cool show on Earth. You know

pretty much the only one life is. But

we will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

You know, Umm,

and I, I really like

this one is partially true. I think sometimes, you know,

a lot of times I get sidetracked and think that I need certain things and that's always selfish. Anytime I need something, it's selfish and self-centered, you know? And when I'm more interested in what I need than in what I'm getting or what God is going to give me, then I am, you know, not losing interest in selfish things. And I'm obsessing about stuff, you know, So I work on this one,

you know,

that whole thing

of being, you know, thinking and, and there is a story in here and I can't, you know, where she says at the end of her story that when she, she does the stuff of the program, she and I'm, I'm terrible. I read this book over and over and over 2 pages a day usually. And, and I cannot quote,

I mean for nothing, you know, so it's not her lack of not reading it, it's just for lack of the fact that this stuff for me is foreign. And I, and I really struggle comprehending a lot of times, you know, some of the stuff will come through, but a lot of times I, I lose it. But she talks about when she, when she, you know, seeks her power, her higher powers will she gets what she needs. And then she finds out that what she needs is what she wants.

And that's what I'm finding is true in my life too, that when I'm seeking,

you know, OK, God, they will not mind be done. God provides what I need. And in the end, what I need is really what I want, you know, even though I didn't realize it.

So

a self seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. You know,

this one is kind of an interesting one. You know,

my whole life,

one of my friends in the program

used to tell me,

aren't you getting sick of being the center?

He's kind of rude about it. You know,

he's one of those crossover guys. He's got that a a in your face sort of mentality, you know, and,

and he taught me that over and over and over again. Aren't you tired of being in the center?

And my whole life,

um, from the time I was a very little boy, you know, and, and, and

we,

we traveled around the country quite a bit, living in different places and this and that. And I always look to get what I could out of each place that we lived in. You know, I, I look to get everything that I possibly could out of that place. You know, if it was stealing money out of neighborhood cars or if it was stealing porn from a guy that lived in and rented a room from her house, or, you know, it was whatever I took, whatever I wanted, I tried. My life was all about getting what Keith thought he wanted all the time.

That was that was the focus of Keith's life. I carried that through

into our marriage, into absolutely everything that I did, my job, everything. It was all about getting what Keith wanted to get

today.

And this one here too. I spend time in prayer, meditation, a whole attitude, and not like my life, you know, today,

my life is about accepting God's will for Keith. Whatever it is that day, whatever it presents itself that day. You know, I make a lot of beautiful plans. You know, I sit down in the morning and I think about what's going to happen that day, you know, and have all these ideas and schemes and plans that are to go through, you know,

and it used to really bug me when these would fall apart. Oftentimes I leave the house at 7:00 and by 5 after seven, my plans for the day are scrapped. You know, now my job is to accept that and keep moving on, you know, and okay, I had all these plans. I told you what I wanted God, and you're saying no. And

that's how my attitude and you know, has an outlook upon life has changed is that

it's OK today if my life is flexible. It's OK today if the things the beautiful plants that Keith creates, which do generally are not very beautiful, but they they look beautiful in my head,

I

and those go away and are replaced by something else.

Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. Umm.

The reason why I am nervous standing up here is because I'm afraid of what you guys will think about me.

You know that's true.

I have to surrender my right to worry about what people think about me. I've been told for a long time it's none of my business what anybody else thinks about you, Keith.

I have a harder time practicing that than actually hearing her saying it out loud.

And and so the furor people and I'm less fearful of people today

than it would have been

some years ago. You know, the, this is a the and the economic insecurity will leave us on.

It's kind of funny. We have this, I have this project going on at work. Actually, I'm done at this project at work and this lady owes me a substantial amount of money and

I've been attempting to collect it from her in in a way that doesn't cause me to have to make her amends. You know, that's coming. I hate making amends and, and it's been really amazing because sometimes it's come right down to the wire and I haven't known how I was going to pay my guys, the guys that work for me.

Um, and then like the day before, I have to have it paid somehow. Some money will come through and God will take care of them and me. And through this experience, I'm beginning to learn it. It's okay. You know, I'm going to be okay. My kids are going to be fed and clothed and housed. The people that work for me are going to be paid and you know, God's going to take care of it. And and then ultimately too, in the end, if the business fails, who cares?

I just get a different job. I was looking for a job when I got this one

and having that kind of outlook,

you know, and it takes some work. You know, this whole program is about willingness to work these, you know, to practice these principles. It takes some work to maintain that kind of attitude because sometimes I want to get really crappy and I want to want to fantasize about knocking this lady's house down, you know, and go through those sort of things in my head and, you know, doing all that stuff. But you know, as I pray about it and surrender and actually look at what God is doing for me in my life, I'm OK.

It doesn't matter, you know, if it, when and if you know that happens, it'll be nice. But until that happens, I'll be okay, you know, and, and that's really nice to have that feeling, you know,

I will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

Twice in my sobriety

I've went on the job sites and found pornography,

you know, and

it's kind of funny because always before, in the past, that was a good reason to act out. God gave it to me.

I you know, if God's given me porn, that's pretty baffling situation being as porn kills me. I

both of those times

I I couldn't live with the porn there on the job site and work there for two weeks, you know, and have it there and not wonder, you know. So one time there was a couple guys there. So I picked it up, wadded it up with a try not to look at it and I took it to the to the Super of the subdivision. I said you need to do something with this and I gave it to him. That's intuitively. I didn't even think about it. It's just like

there's a magazine. I need to get rid of it because I can't have it hanging out 'cause I'm allergic to this stuff.

You know, scrunch it up, hand it to the guy. And I knew he was kind of a religious guy, so I knew he'd be kind of like, okay, you know, take care of it. Some guys you wouldn't want to do that with because they want to sit down and look at it with you. But that particular guy was okay

and and the time before that,

actually, we were going to be there for about a day or two and I knew the garbage guy was going to come by and I took it and I had a bunch of wrappers and I just shoved it in the wrappers and put it and then left the job.

That's one of the blessings of being self-employed as you can leave, got the garbage guys going to come by and he's going to scrap this thing out and I can just kind of float the schedule until that happens. And that was another way of, you know, okay, intuitively know how to handle this situation used to bathless because,

you know.

Then the other though we we will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Umm,

I'm sober today.

I've been sober. It's actually sober since September 24th of 2002.

If on September 20, thirtieth even, or September whatever, of 2002, 2003, you'd have told me that that'd be true today, I would have not believed you.

I didn't believe that this program went to work until we went to Nashville. We did the couples meet.

And I was terrified.

I was so terrified. I blocked that out. I just like, I'm not going to think about it. I'm not going to think about it. We get into the room and it's, we sit down at the table and I lean over and I say, Nancy, what's the topic? Because I totally like, just like I wasn't going to deal with it. You know, it's just not going to deal with it.

And she told me the topic and we talked. I don't remember what it said.

And it went OK. And I left that room. And I realized, you know,

before September 2002, people were telling me to shut up. You know, we don't. We're tired of hearing you talk, Keith. You know, you, you, you just need to start showing us. We don't care what you say. Start showing us

and something that happened

and now people actually ask me to talk. And that's when I actually first began to realize that this promise was coming true.

Because they didn't ask me to talk because I was a cool guy. They didn't even really know me, you know?

You know, they asked me to talk because God is doing something for me that I couldn't do for myself, you know? The first steps are powerless in our life has become manageable. You know