The Mississippi conference of Young People in AA

I told you to stay in the car. I'm Carl. I'm an alcoholic. I got 2 microphones. That's so, so, yeah, I just introduced myself.

I I wanna say first, if my story sucks, it's God's fault I prayed. And, Billy asked me to get a CD to him, so blame him. Blame everybody else but me. Exactly. I have a sponsor.

His name is Worth P. He got sober about a month and a half before I did. You know, a lot of people go, doesn't have 20 years more than me. Well, you know what? From the class of 96, which is when I got sober, he's one of the few left.

And, he knows everything about me, and I trust him with my life. And I can guarantee you that, when Bill and Bob and, you know, Clarence Snyder and, you know, RGT and and some of these old guys were first getting sober. They weren't going, well, Bill, you don't have a year. You know? Are you has your sponsor said you're ready to sponsor?

You know, they'd had a spiritual awakening as a result of the 12 steps. They had something to transmit. So, he has a sponsor as well. I sponsor people. I have a home group.

It's, the Goodwood Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. We meet in a little scout hut at, Broadmoor Baptist Church on Goodwood Boulevard in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I hear a lot of speakers a lot of times. And my home group's the best home group, and if you don't feel that same way, you need to get a whole another home group. And I I don't know if my home group's the best home group.

But I do know that when I walked in there, I I was going to meetings in early sobriety, and, they would talk about that book. And I don't know if you have noticed, but the book is a myth, because you go to meetings and it's hidden. People don't have it. You know? You need to get the big book.

What is it? Where is it? I don't know what you're telling me about. You know? You know?

You you know? I I I went to that meeting and, they had that book, and they read from that book. In fact, last night, I was, last night, I needed a meeting, and I needed to go to my home group. And, I have no idea what I'm gonna tell you all tonight. I have the gift of gab.

I'll tell you about my job. I'll tell you about what kind of jobs I've had. And it's dealt with talking. It's dealt with sales. It's dealt with people.

It should be what I'm good at. And tonight, I have no idea what I'm gonna say. But, I needed to meet him last night. And the one thing about my home group is that as I'm pulling up into the parking lot, I'm going, please don't let me hear about your dog getting run over. Please don't let me hear about your shopping problem.

I got in, they were talking about the 6th and 7th step. They're reading out of the literature. That's why it's my hunger. I don't know if it's the best hunger, but it's my hunger. Now with that resume being said, because that's what all the big special speakers say.

I have a sponsor who has a sponsor and I have a home group. So I've said all that. So now I'm qualified. I've been sober and life has been good. Thank you.

Not so much. I'm also I don't know. I I'm usually the Thai guy and, you know, dress right behind the podium. Not tonight. Because I'm just I'm not in that mode tonight.

It's not where I'm at. I'm hoping by the end of the night that, you don't see all this, you know, this presentation I'm bringing. I hope you all see me. My sobriety date is June 12, 1996. That's when I got sober.

I was 15 years old when I got sober. So okay, there was a couple out there. 15? You know? The amazing thing is is I was actually, last night after the meeting, this is to talk about age and young peoples and stuff.

I went out to eat with some people because that's what we do even when we don't want to, even, like, when we're just like, no. Really, y'all should go hang out and let me go be by myself. And, you know, they're like, oh, no. Come on. And, you you know, I went and had really bad, food at a really bad restaurant and, you know, just hung out.

But, there there was an older guy there and he was talking about this young people's meeting that meets on Wednesday nights in Baton Rouge, and he was talking about, you know, when I went there, I just couldn't relate. And I said, really? You know? Because if we get around in the room and we talk about alcoholism, you know, if I ask 30 years, what what just give me an ingredient to alcoholism. It's fear.

You know, if I ask Billy back there, what do you think? Resentment. We come up with all this stuff, and none of us say alcohol. That's alcoholism. You know, and he was telling me he couldn't relate.

You know, it was funny because I was going, you know, because you had the same alcoholic checklist I had when I got here. You said, well, y'all never wrecked the car, and y'all never got divorced, and y'all never lost a job. So, apparently, either y'all aren't alcoholics or I'm not alcoholic. Well, when I got here, I was like, I didn't get divorced. I didn't lose a job.

You know, I couldn't qualify under those means. But I I got to to some meetings around some people that had, they've been through what I've been through. But they also talk the language of the heart. They talked about I'm just gonna end up tearing this thing up. Anyways, they talked about the same thing that, that I that I went through.

You know, they they talked about, pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. So, you know, when I tell people, yes. I got sober when I was 15. I I immediately look for the look, like, oh, come on. You know?

But the good thing is I'm I'm not gonna drink for that long. So you you won't have to worry about that. You know? But, I do wanna say, I'm also not a drug addict. Sorry.

I I I have no solution for you if you are. I will talk about 2 outside issues in my story most likely, and they were a result of my alcoholism. But I I I was not a drug addict. I'm an alcoholic. And the funny thing is, though, is that as I tell you my story, hopefully, you'll realize how little alcohol had to do with it, And still has so little to do with it.

First thing I ever knew about alcoholism, my grandfather. He was, one of the most cheerful men I ever knew, and, he died in alcohol. He died due to alcoholism. I was about 5 years old, and my, my birthday is December 20th, and, of course, you all know when Christmas is. I'm not gonna tell y'all.

It's kinda redundant. But, you know, so it was this big thing. We're going for the 85 family reunion, and we were gonna show up, and it was gonna be this big deal, and everybody was gonna be there. And so, you know, I was gonna celebrate my birthday and Christmas, and and, you know, went over there. And it it was a couple days, after Christmas, some of the family had left, and I and I'm sitting there by myself, me and my mom and my my grandfather.

And he's sitting, and I can still remember this little leather, sofa chair and really nasty green carpet. Like, it was really shag green. Like, this house was built, like, late sixties, early seventies. And he looked at my mom, and he said, sissy. And he called my mom sissy or sister.

And he said, sissy, go give me a go give me some turkey. And she said, no, daddy. I'm not going to. And I and I thought to myself, and this is, of course, Bill talks about a boomerang that would turn in its flight and all but cut into ribbons. And this is the funny way, I think, because this sort of thinking is what would end up showing that I was a real alcoholic.

Because in my mind, why would you not give him turkey? No. Granted, I'm thinking cut the turkey. I didn't see the glass in his hand, and he's wild turkey. And, you know, she says, no.

Glass goes flying against the wall. But here's what I'm talking about. Here's the logic. If that's what happens when you keep him away from turkey, why would you not give it to him? Why?

You think he's bad when he's drinking? Look at him now. Chill him out a little bit. You know? And and there's the truth is because that's that's really me.

I would learn later on that I I'm I'm bad news when I drink, but take away alcohol. Leave me untreated, and I will show you how just disturbingly horrible of a person I can be. You know? And so that was my first thought about alcoholism, and it made complete sense because I thought, if that's what he wants, give it to him. Why make him angry?

He died 2 years later from alcoholism. I had an uncle, my mom's brother, who my dad I I feel sorry for my dad. My dad was an only child. His dad died when he was 4. He had no brothers, no sisters, no male figure in his life.

So, you know, when I reared my ugly head, of course but he he had no history of alcoholism. You know, he really didn't. Now my mom, it like, my I have a 9, sister who's 9 years older than me. And I think because she kinda, you know, she had some stumbles and some falls, and she she got through school, and she ended up growing up. She's got 3 kids now.

She's married, doing great. And I think my parents thought you know, my mom thought that married this really nice guy who was actually born in Jackson, Mississippi is where he's born, man. It's not what he claims. I'm I'm just joking. Just joking.

But, you know, if I marry this guy who, you know, who's not from where I'm from and I get out of this small town in Louisiana and I go to some big school, LSU, you know, go to this big school and and get away, things will be different. And and they probably were for her and my dad and my sister, you know. But it didn't skip me. It landed on my face. Like, I I got it, you know, full fledged.

So, you know, I I found out I had an uncle who died in a drunk driving accident. I get sober. I find out it was with a brick wall. You know? I had another uncle who, you know, didn't visit a whole lot.

I found out he did a lot of time for drugstore cowboy. You know? I mean, that's what he did. A lot of a lot of the activities and and and and things that that make complete sense to me seem to be in my family. I have no opinion about what really physically makes an alcoholic.

Apparently, there's some good last time this happened to me, when I was telling my well, that's a whole another story, And it has a really crazy ending that I'm still trying to figure out. You laugh. I had a couple of the last time I I was speaking somewhere, and I had some call me. And I was like, hey, man. I'm telling my story.

Okay. Good luck. But, they were checking in. You know? Good for them.

But, you know, I grew up in a family that that really is an amazing family. They're good people. They've always been good people. I I I feel like the mothership dropped me off. We have a family portrait in the house, and there's my brother-in-law and my sister and my mom and my dad and my nephew and my niece, and my sister just actually, in October, gave birth to my new niece.

And I love her to death. She's beautiful. And, then there's me all the way off to the side. Physically about alcoholism? I don't know.

There's some good doctors out there. You know, one of them wrote a little something in the front of that book. And and I tend to leave the opinion of allergies and things like that to people like that. I tend to kinda go ahead and agree with them because it seems to have made a lot of sense. But as far as the feelings, the emotions, the instincts, the things that I suffer from, that's alcoholism for me.

That's the thing I really suffer from. Because like I said, if I don't take a drink, physically, I don't seem to crave alcohol. I don't start that, you know. And and if I stay away from obsessing about it, then I don't tend to go physically towards the drink. But if you look at the 4 step, it talks about when we straight when we, you know, when we when we get take care of the spiritual we straighten out physically and mentally.

And what's funny is that if you look what precedes a relapse, people don't spiritually get correct. And then mentally, they obsess, and then physically, they take a drink. So mentally and physically, I may be alright. But if I'm spiritually broken, I really don't stand a shot. And that's what I've suffered from from day 1.

Great family. My sister, dated this guy who, he was a real winner. He's into the tough love, that kind of thing. Rode a Harley. He was super cool.

Showed up really drunk. Physically showed her how much he loved her. And when I was about 9 years old, after enough of the damage he had done to me and to my sister And and, my parents had had a restraining order on him, all kinds of stuff. And he showed up and she had got she they had gotten in a fight, and she had gone out, and she went with one of her friends or whatever. And it was a male friend that she grew up with or whatever.

And it's this big deal. And he was, like, you know, you went out with so and so. Yeah. She went out with a friend so he could console her because you're beating the ever living snot out of her. And so he showed up drunk and broke her nose.

You know? I'm 9 years old. I go up very casually. I don't know how casual I was, kinda run, but I go into my room, I go grab my little, t ball bat, and I go over it. And the last thing I remember is going after.

Now I wake up to cops, you know, showing up. My next door neighbor's screaming and crying and calling, you know, police, my parents. My sister wondering what's going on. At 9 years old, I broke his collarbone, his wrist, and 2 ribs. And I have no idea why.

I I just I lost it, man. You know? And and I that is not just about anger. That's that's everything. I've been doing some crying lately.

I did not think I was capable of crying like I've been crying lately. When I get happy and truly happy, when I'm filled with the fellowship of the spirit, I cannot even begin to describe to you what kind of joy I have. When I'm in love And I see beauty. There is not a language that I can use to describe it. It's just the truth.

So here with anger and fear, I lose it. Now this starts a whole big long parade of, going to, doctors and neurologists and, you know, this is what's wrong with you. And, you know, I mean, the funny thing is is from that day until the day I stopped drinking, which was still a a a whirlwind of seeing doctors and going places, Don Pritz once said this, and I truly believe it. He said that, you know, when when he would see these shrinks and he'd be in jail and the and the the the jailhouse psychiatrist would come talk to him and stuff, they would all come around and they would be like, well, you're a sociopath. Well, you're insane.

Well, you're you you've got you're a psychopath. You know? You've got borderline personality disorder. You've got, associative displacement disorder. All these abandonment issues.

And the thing is, Don said, they were absolutely right, because it was alcoholism. That was the underlying issue with all of it. You know? Why did I have borderline personality disorder? Because once I start drinking, I cannot tell you what personality is gonna show up.

Just don't. You know? It's the same way when I'm sober, if not worse. There's the sad part. There's the sad part.

You think I'm bad when I'm drinking, man? Come on. So I'm 9 years old and I'm hanging out. And I I made some friends, with some people in the neighborhood. I I I was very resentful of my family.

My dad was a a survey contractor. He used to do surveys. And in the seventies, for those who are alive and remember it real well, there's a big oil boom in the country, and the country was doing great. And anybody who had money invested, anybody who was doing any type of oil work was making money. They were building.

They were paying a contract for my family was living good. They lived in Brazil. They lived in Africa. They lived in Spain. They they lived in Mexico for 4 years.

They did all these things that were so amazing. Hey, Lainie. You know, they they did, you know, they lived all these places. And so there's these slides. My dad used to love to show these slides of, you know, my sister and and and standing on these temples in Yucatan, Mexico at 4 years old.

And I'd be like, alright. You know? Great. Because, you know, that I thought that's well, see, I was born in 1980. So then the oil crisis happened, and my dad went from living with a certain budget and certain style of life to well, we were pretty broke.

And, you know, I I had to do things like wear my sister's jeans to school because that's what we could afford. Really, it wasn't afford. It was pass it down. You know, I remember when they said, we're going to Biloxi to the Seagull Motel. And I went, joy, you had Rio de Janeiro.

I've got sewer water that goes out to my knees for a mile. Maybe I'll step on a bottle. You know? You know, and I was very resentful. Right?

So I made friends with some kids in the neighborhood that that were a lot like me or whatever, you know, upset. Just didn't feel right. Whatever. And, one of my friends, Wes, who who I I love him, miss dearly, He he had an older sister. It's always a story.

And so my dad has this wet bar in the back of the bar, and she's like, hey. You know, come hang you know, let's go to Carl's parents' house. You You know? It's after school that my parents are still at work. You know?

And at this time, I'm very ashamed, to show people my parents' house and to show people where I'm from because it's not that great, and it's not a lot. There there have been rats that have been you know, I was just I was not proud of where I came from. You know, I really wasn't. And but, you know, this girl was coming over, which today, when I look at my story, I wonder, what was I thinking at 9 years old? What was I really thinking?

Man, I must be upsetting people. They keep leaving. But, at 9 years old, what what was I hey. Come hang out. Check yes or no.

I mean, I I don't know what I was looking to accomplish. You know? And she comes over, and she's, like, 12 because I'm a get real far. And she comes over. My sister had just had me watch the movie, cocktails, you know, with Tom Cruise, where he's flipping the drinks and everything.

So I'm, like, alright. I got you. So she's, like, let's get a screwdriver. I said, simple. Screwdriver.

That's simple. None of this fuzzy whatever. You know? So so alright. You know, do a screwdriver.

Get this orange juice. And I get the one thing that I've always known, always loved because it was that first drink, and it was Jamaican Meyers rum. For those who don't know, a screwdriver typically is vodka. I came out with purple syrup. Needless to say, there was no second date.

But, I had this big, like, little thirst buster cup or whatever from Circle k. And, you know, he took a drink, and I took a drink, and she took a drink, and he took a drink, and I took a drink. And, you know, it happened. Release from care, boredom, and worry, man. I I I felt ease and comfort.

I am not like a lot of speakers I hear. I did not get better looking. I did not get smarter. I did not become faster. I did not, what did happen is that for the first time in my life, being, you know, £20 underweight, scrawny, pale, which not much has changed.

But I became okay with that, And I became able to talk to her. I became able to not worry about what kids thought about where I came from or not having, you know, whatever. Now there's there's the tricky part. I used to think that an alcoholic was, like, the Skid Row bum and that they just couldn't help it and and they it was just so bad. And the reason why they drink was some horrible reason.

It was some horrible reason that they drink. But even the Skid Row bomb and even me drink for the same exact reason. It's the same reason why normal people drink. We like the effect produced by alcohol. Nothing else.

My dad is the furthest thing from an alcoholic. He really is. He there's a big Saint Patrick's Day parade where I'm from, And it used to be he would, you know, get this big keg. I would have to float it for him because he couldn't finish it. He's not a drunk.

He's not an he doesn't drink like I do. He doesn't think like I do. But point is, I drank for the same reason everybody else did. I saw that if I took a drink, if I could do the same thing, my grandfather, when he drank, he was okay. He wasn't any better.

He wasn't any you know, he wasn't superhuman. What happens over time for me is that I take that drink for ease and comfort. Over time, the well known stages of a spree. I may take that drink and everything will be alright, maybe have a little bit of fun. But about, you know, down the week or whatever, somewhere along the line, I I start craving it, and I drink, and then I can't stop.

And all the times that I promised I wasn't gonna drink, I end up drinking. So I found I found alcohol, and I love it. You know? Still do to this day. I wouldn't be an alcoholic if I didn't.

I mean, I love alcohol. Look at what it does for people. Makes them enjoy themselves. You know? I kept drinking, and and I went to school.

And and and, by the way, at 9 years old, I was not club hopping. It was more or less pitching a tent in the backyard, me and Wes, and couple of guys stealing some Newdy Magazine and getting our GI Joes. And, you know, you know, it was one of those things that we just whenever we could, we got an opportunity and we drank. Or what happened over time though is that, needed more and more. Needed the ability to keep going.

And, I was about probably 12 or 13 or so. And, I I'd gotten into I'm a say some things that are dirty words. K. They're very profane, horrible words. They're words like god.

No. Home group. I'm also gonna say words like drugs. They're part of my story. I'm not a drug addict, but, I mean, they were around.

Now what I'll tell you about drugs though is that I wasn't so much into doing them as I was seeing as it was an entrepreneurship. I've been in sales my whole life, Stephanie. So I'm about 13 or so, and a couple of my friends, older brothers, and and whatever, and they're, you know, they're getting, you know, this, that, and the other. And and I start noticing that, you know, when I hang out with these guys and I'm drinking and having a good time, I keep having to wait. And I keep having to, you know, try to mingle my way and and and, you know, get in there to to get whatever I want.

And I said, you know, get rid of those guys. Go talk to the source. So, at 13, I started a very young business, young businessman, and this is the kind of insanity I deal with. 13 years old, I get told, alright. First job, go out here, and there's the Bella Baton Rouge Casino.

At the time, it was Argosy Casino. And they were just opening because Argosy had taken over, and it was this big deal. And so a couple of friends of mine, they're gonna go out to the parking lot, a little hand eye coordination, whatever. And, you know, we're gonna take off. We show up, little hand eye coordination, little scuffle breaks out, and then I hear those fateful sounds, pow pow pow.

I go running and I'm running and I'm running. And I get all the way home and I get that thought, I cannot live like this anymore. I will die. I've gotta get a gun. Same thinking to me.

I'm not gonna let you shoot me. So at 13 years old, I I stole my father's 38 special. There's a story with that. And I'll I'll get to that later, but it's very sad. You know, going and and and I and I'm moving up the ranks of corporate enterprise.

I'm getting promotions. I'm I'm getting a little bit more of a corporate expense account. And I can relate to Bill. You know? I had I had the good uses of an expense account and the ability to do things that that, other salesman weren't able to do because I I was good at my job.

Also, later on in that year, I I I had alcohol poisoning. I got sent to a hospital at 13, and my parents were like, oh my god. What's wrong? And, you know, I had bottles under my bed and and everything, and and and I end up in this hospital for 3 days, and and I get out. And, you know, that was that was one of the first times where I really started looking at it and going, yeah.

I don't know. Maybe something needs to stop. So but I didn't. So I kept drinking, and around that time I had met I had met some people in this this middle school I was going to. And one of these guys real real funny, I hated this guy because he was just he was I don't know.

He was good. Like, he was just really good. Like, he just was a good guy. And so I drank to be him. You know?

That's what I wanted to be. Now I overshot the mark every time, but, you know, I he just he was such a nice guy. I couldn't stand him. Well, his sister took kind of a liking to me, so we decided to go to this little 6th grade dance, whatever. Well, through that, I end up becoming his best friend.

Irony. You know, mister good guy and the drunk. And and we become real close friends. And I can tell you to this day that every time I walked into his house and hung around his parents and hung around his grandfather, anytime I was around any of his family, that was the safest I ever felt. And never knew why.

Never knew why. So, you know, I'm I'm, I'm kinda, like, losing touch with him, you know, and I'm kinda doing my thing. And at 14, had gotten a a a really big opportunity in business. I had been asked to, go on a a, a road trip, west, towards a very large state in which a very large country is under it. And I was not gonna go there, but I was gonna stay in Texas.

And I was asked to go there and to hang out in this hotel room, and these 2 older guys were gonna go do whatever they do, and everything was gonna be alright. And, you know, I'm drinking and I'm drinking and I'm hanging out and having a good time, and I'm making money and and things are good. And they come back and we take off. My friend's driving. He flicks a cigarette out the window.

Little swerve when he does it. There comes those blue lights. Now here is the I don't know. I don't know if alcohol does this for y'all. But for me, sitting in that very moment, I, I felt a sense of ease and comfort because there was no denying what was gonna happen.

There was no, well, maybe we'll get out of this. You know, we weren't. A 14 year old, a 17 year old, and an 18 year old in a car that was not registered to them, at 3 o'clock in the morning, coming from Texas into Louisiana, with no story of we were on vacation or visiting family. We're not related. We're going to jail.

That's just all there is to it. And, Stady pulls us over, and, you know, I began a long trip from Bossier, City Juvenile to to Lula Juvenile to Saint James Juvenile down to, what is now Ryan's Airport or LTI. Now here's where the delusion comes in. Because as I'm going from each place, you know, you get in and you're sitting on that cot. I don't know how it is in in Mississippi, but in Louisiana, a lot of their juvenile facilities, it's more or less like cots.

And it's kinda like summer camp, but it's for all the bad kids. You know, you still kinda play board games and kinda hang out. You go to school, but it's like, you know, you don't always use your pencil to write. You know, you gotta kinda keep it by your side just in case. And, and, you know, every time I would go to a new place and, you know, people like, oh, what are you in for?

And I you know, I'm like, hey. Nothing, man. I'm getting out here in, like, a day. My parents are coming. Schuman, get on the bus, you know, and now I'm getting shipped down to another.

And every time I showed up, I was so sure they were showing up. They never did. I ended up in front of a judge at 14 years old with, possession of a stolen firearm, possession of, schedule 3 and schedule 2 narcotic, intent to distribute interstate trafficking, and truancy. Being out after curfew. I'm gonna go to jail.

I'm gonna go to a juvenile facility until I'm 18, and if I don't behave, 21. And you wanna throw in truancy. Thanks, judge. You will remain nameless. I couldn't have my license in the state of Louisiana, all these things.

They sent me in front. My my lawyer says, here's what we're gonna do. Since you're a minor, we're gonna put you in juvenile court by yourself. Well, you know, wrong kid, wrong place, wrong time. You know, they'll be tried as adults in adult court.

Hopefully, you know, you'll get some sympathy. I get juvenile life probation. Can't have my license in the state of Louisiana till I'm 17. Can't be around a stolen, can't be around a firearm, stolen or not. It's legal.

I promise. So, you know, I I I can't be around a firearm and and, you know, I I I gotta stay out of trouble and, which I did none of those things. Well, I didn't get my license except you know, because I wasn't 17. But, I didn't do any of the things that were asked of me. So I keep doing what I'm doing and at 15, I I started going missing.

It was no longer taking trips. It was I was going out to drink, and then I just wouldn't show back up. See, I would go to your party, and I would hang out, and I would drink everything that was in there. The last days of my drinking. And I would drink everything I could.

And I would get intoxicated. I would get drunk, but I didn't feel any better. Didn't feel any better. It's the most miserable place for me to be. But there were also times like my sister's wedding, where my family looked at me and said, please, just not tonight.

Not today. Just but I took a drink a day or so prior, and I'm being told that I broke the little Greek column that had the rings on. I made a huge scene at my sister's wedding. I had tickets to a concert one time that, my favorite band of all time, and I was gonna go see them. And I knew if I just got to UNO Lakefront Arena in New Orleans, if I just got there, then I could party.

But I took a drink a day or so prior, and that craving kicked in so that on the trip, I just decided, which really I didn't decide, because I have no choice. I still have no choice. Nowhere in the literature in my interpretation has it ever said I've gotten that choice back. Never have. I've seen groups, and if it's your home group, that's cool.

But free again to choose. Still don't have that choice. Never have. Never will. And I woke up at some flop house in New Orleans with the ticket still in my pocket, never been ripped.

Completely broke going, how am I gonna get home? You know? And so I'm drinking like that, and, my birthday is December 20th, like I said. I take off, and I go missing. And I show back up on Christmas day.

And I got about $1,000 in my pocket, and I got a bunch of presents in my hand. Because the golden son, you know, the prodigal son, the golden child. I'm home. My mom pokes her head out my window I mean, out the door, and she says, you know, you don't live here anymore. I smelled the smelled the stuffing, the ham, the turkey.

I saw my sister, my brother-in-law, my mom, my dad. Saw everybody but me, And they told me I didn't live here anymore. And, at 15 years old, that first night, I slept in a bush right behind my parents' house in between the two houses. That was where I ended up. I went from corona and a slice of lime to, living the good life.

Thunderbird. You know, mad dog. You know? Cisco. All the high shelf stuff.

It's sad because when I was about 14, there was this bum who lived in well, he was a wino. That's what he was. He was a wino. And he lived under this overpass in my parents' neighborhood, and he was kind of our childhood patron. And we felt so bad for him because he slept in the woods, and we were like, it's just gotta suck.

Need to get him a tent or something. You know, this guy sits and hangs out with us on the railroad tracks and buys us liquor, and we bought him a tent. Year later, I'm begging him to scoot over because I got nowhere to go. And, you know, Bill talks about how he stepped, you know, away from the hospital, a broken man, and then on Armistice Day, he drinks again. And he goes on that last debauch.

Some people disagree. I don't know. It's how I've interpreted the book. But I think if Bill, in that time from November until December 10th, when Abby came and talked to him, I could've gotten the message at any time in there. I don't know.

Because he apparently had done one of my, favorite people in spiritual giants. I love her with everything in me. She used to always say this. She said, I could either go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of my intolerable situation as best I could, or accept spiritual help. And that's where I'd gotten to.

I'd realized that this was the bitter end. That was it. I didn't know that there was spiritual help. And so, you know, I show back up in my parents' house, probably, about late May, and I'm sitting here. I'm like, I'm dying.

Please help. Please help. I'm dying. So and so, well, you know, when you used to hang out with, you know, this kid and his family, you know, I don't know. They're just I'd gone to church with them.

I got baptized. Says, frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices. I've been to altar calls, and I've felt the Lord and the Holy Spirit and felt them all the way out the door drinking. I needed a message of depth and weight. I needed somebody to finally tell me what alcoholism was.

So I knew what it was that was wrong with me, so then I could appropriately fix what was wrong. So I showed up to these people's house, and I said, you know, I don't know what to do. I need help. My parents kicked me out. They sent me here.

So they take me we go out and they take me into their house and and and, they wanna go off on some little retreat and get me all spiritually charged. Like the good alcoholic that I am, I'm a lick my wounds, get some food in my stomach, get some money in my pocket, and get back to business. And, so I did that. And, ended up in North Carolina with them. And that girl that I went to that 6 6th grade retreat with, she's, she's sitting there and she's like, hey, man.

Let's let's, partake. And I looked at her. I said, she don't wanna be me. Look at me. She's, like, come on.

And, I said, no. She kept bugging me, and, you know, misery loves company. I said, alright. Just a couple hours later, coming down, you know, whatever, the little mountain and and hanging out, and, I'd left her, whatever. She had left early.

I don't really remember. And I walk up to the little area where we're sleeping at, and there's, an ambulance and some cars and, all that stuff. And she had a she had had had had a bad reaction with, the drugs we had taken. She suffered from a lot of other illnesses where she needed serious medicine to help her live a normal, sane life. And, so she was dying.

It was because of me. And her mom grabs me. She takes me in this room And she looks at me and after, of course, berating me, where is it at? What happened? Blah blah blah blah blah.

And I looked at her and I I just said, I'm so sorry. This woman, who I'd known since I was about 10 or 11 years old, did not send me to my probation officer. She did not send me to jail. She didn't do anything. She was an ex problem drinker who had found a solution.

Who was armed with the facts about herself. And she carried that message of death and weight. She decided that that night, June 12, 1996, Carl Schuman's life was more important than any selfish endeavor about sending me to jail. That this was an opportunity to give back what was so freely given to her. You know?

Thank you, Jeanie Scott. Saved my life. I cried and cried and cried, and and and and I lost it. And at that moment, I knew that there could be spiritual help. There could be something.

Because, finally, somebody told me what my problem was. I was an alcoholic. So I wake up the next morning. I always hated this. My sobriety date is June 12, 1996.

My parents' wedding anniversary is June 13th. So I'm calling them on their wedding anniversary. Mom, dad, don't know if you noticed I had a drinking problem. Like, they didn't know. And my parents said, come on home.

You know? And I rode a bus all the way home. And, this lady, Jeanie, had appointed me this guy to be my sponsor. And I had showed up at his house and stayed on his couch for 10 days while I cursed and threw up and cried and laughed and didn't know where I was, I didn't have DTs. I I I if you've ever seen somebody with DTs, it's not a pretty sight.

I did not have DTs. Was I emotionally and mentally and physically sick beyond comprehension comprehension? Yes. I mean, I I couldn't take care of myself. So I sat there and dried out on his couch for 10 days.

Now, of course, every time he's talking to me, it's like a Charlie Brown episode. It's a. I can't hear what he's saying. He says you might wanna go somewhere because the book says that maybe hospitalization is favorable to the man who's still jittery and befogged. So that's what I did.

I went to a hospital. And I went there and, you know, I I dried out. And the best thing that place ever told me was, go to AA. And that's what I did. I went to AA.

Now that I'm sober, I'm not drinking really. Not sober yet. I got into activity. I got into hanging out. I got into doing things and being around y'all.

I did not get into action. I I I just I don't know. I I was going to meetings and and I didn't know what my first meeting I ever went to was the Sunday morning beginners meeting at, Club 12, which is a a clubhouse in Baton Rouge, which I love to death. And I I I they asked for who wanted the desired chip or the 24 hour chip, and I said, I'm Carl. I'm an alcoholic.

I'm 15 years old. I'm scared. Please help. And this guy says, I spilled more beer in my you know? So, of course, being the last house on the block for me, I gave him a really, you know, good obscene finger gesture, told everybody where they could take a and a, and I took off.