Azalea City Jamboree in Mobile, AL

Everybody, good to see y'all out this morning.

First, I'd like to say that last night we had the opportunity to hear a fantastic story

given by Kent.

Of course, they say behind every good man, there's usually a woman.

And so today we get the opportunity to hear the other side.

And so we're so excited to meet Corey.

And I had the opportunity to meet her last night and again this morning.

And I believe she has a very strong commitment to the Al-Anon program,

and she views it as a...

a really huge resource in the her commitment to recovery is that it this is the foundation

of a happy and healthy life and I think both of y'all work in the program together your

separate programs together is what really does bring happy and healthy families together so

I'm just so excited to hear Corey's side of this story so Corey would you come to the

microphone please

I don't want everybody looking for an hour.

Okay.

Okay.

Hi, everybody. My name is Corey Long,

and I'm recovering one day to time in the Worldwide Fellowship

with the Al-Anon-Alatan family groups.

Hi.

Can everybody in the back hear me?

It's usually not a problem, but I do want to check.

Can you all hear me?

Okay. If you can't, you let me know.

And I'll try not to mac the microphone as I talk.

Okay.

I want to thank Jean for calling and inviting me to speak and then inviting my husband to speak.

And I want to thank Jackie and Mary Ann for talking with me last night and having coffee with me this morning.

This is Elia City Jambri is wonderful.

We got a magnificent basket on our room and everybody's been so kind to us and so welcoming.

And it really is an honor and a privilege to be asked to speak anywhere, but particularly

about the Al-Anon Family Program, which has done miraculous things in my life.

So I want to thank the committee and everybody who had a part in this.

It touches my heart to be asked to share my experience, strength and hope in Al-Anon.

It's unusual for me to talk after Kent, so I don't know how that's going to work today because I usually set the stage and then he tells you how he thinks it was, but I will just like to say, I was sober. I was sober through the whole thing. And I'll just leave that as it is.

I get nervous. I get nervous when I speak. Not so much for me, but I get nervous for

Al-Anon because I want to do a good job for Al-Anon. I don't speak for Al-Anon. I can only

tell you what Al-Anon has done for me and I will only share from here my experience, my

strength and my hope. And I hope that you take away from this, if anything, the hope that

I found in Al-Anon and how much I love the program of Al-Anon.

and how much I love the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Because were it not for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

First, I wouldn't be here.

And second, Al-Anon wouldn't be here.

And third, my husband would not have the life that he has without the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I am so very, very grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous for being willing, for being there,

for having your hand out to him and to the Al-Anon family groups.

I am a very strong believer that alcoholism is a family disease.

I have been profoundly and deeply affected by somebody else's drinking.

And I believe that with every fiber of my being.

But I didn't know that when I got here.

As you heard Kent say last night, if you were here last night, we got here on September

18, 1998, our two-month wedding anniversary.

I'd married this man.

I'd never been married before.

I was 36 years old when we married.

I waited 36 years to meet and marry the perfect man.

He was a raging alcoholic when I did it.

And there was nothing wrong with me when I got here.

Thank you very much.

And there was nothing wrong with me that his not drinking as much wouldn't fix.

And that was it.

I didn't even want him to quit drinking completely.

I just wanted him to not drink as much.

And because I knew nothing about the disease of alcoholism,

I had no idea that I was asking him to do the impossible.

I was asking him to control his drinking.

And I had no idea that that was physically, psychologically,

spiritually, and mentally impossible for him to do.

I thought if he loved me enough, he'd quit drinking.

Okay.

or he drink as much.

And it has nothing to do with love.

If you're new in this room and you think that if they just love me enough

or if I just love them enough, it would change.

I will just tell you my experience is alcoholism has nothing to do with love.

Love has never been the question of my marriage.

It's never been the question in any relationship I've ever been involved in.

It has nothing to do with whether or not they love me or I love them.

Alcoholism is a disease that means to tear families apart.

There's a negative disease that means to make me miserable,

but...

bitter, angry, and lonely.

That's what alcoholism does to me, and I don't even drink.

I am supposed to tell you, in a general way, what I was like, what happened to me, and what I'm like today.

You may have already noticed.

I'm not from around here.

My husband says I'm the only person he knows.

You can give a two-hour talk in an hour.

So if you get finished listening before I get finished talking, that's okay.

Okay.

I was the youngest of three children for nine and a half years.

I'm actually one of four children.

At nine and a half years old, my little sister was born, and I learned...

in Al-Anon that that was probably one of my very first resentments was my little sister.

And I also learned in Al-Anon. Anything I share from this podium is probably what I've learned in Al-Anon.

I didn't think of any of this stuff on my own.

It's because people were willing to share with me and help me walk through the steps of Al-Anon myself

so I could figure out what it is about me.

What is it in me that causes me to react the way that I react, to feel what I feel, to think the way that I think,

And there is something dreadfully wrong with my thinking, which you'll hear about as I talk.

But at 9.5 years old, my little sister was born, and what my brain told me at that moment was

the reason my parents had my little sister was because I was not enough.

If I had been cute enough, if I'd been smart enough, if I had been funny enough, if I had been tall enough, if I had been short enough, if I had been something,

if I had been more than what I was, they would not have had my little sister.

Now, I am so grateful for the program of Al-Anon that has allowed me to change my attitude

and my outlook upon life.

It has allowed me to change my perceptions of what my life, the events that happened in my

Alonan has given me a way to go back and look at things in a different way.

And I'm so grateful for that because when I do that and I can look at those events in a different way,

I don't have to look at them with bitterness or with anger or resentment or with fear or with any of those negative emotions.

I can look at them in a different way.

And what I know today is that my mother was 39 when she had my little sister,

and I'm pretty sure there was no thought in mind when she got pregnant.

Oh, I think I need another child.

I think, you know, it just kind of sort of happened.

But at the time, I thought they had made a conscious decision to have another child

because I was not good enough.

That's what my brain tells me.

I'm nine and a half years old.

There is no alcoholism in my family.

I was not raised in alcoholism.

That's what my thinking does.

without throwing any alcohol on it.

When you put me in a relationship with somebody who drinks,

my thinking becomes horribly distorted.

But it's my original thinking that started out not in a good place.

So at nine and a half years old, I've got this idea that I'm not good enough,

and that's the reason my parents have my little sister.

And I laugh today because my little sister is everything I am not.

She's five foot six.

six or seven, she's got long blonde hair, she's about this big around, she's just cute as

can be, she graduated fifth in her class from college, she's brilliant.

And I laugh now because that's okay.

For a long time it was not okay.

I was in a one-way rivalry with my little sister.

I was always trying to match up with her because I thought my parents had, because I was

competing with her for my parents' affection.

And that's not true.

I mean that is simply not the truth.

That's never happened in my family.

At age 11, my father took a job that took us to Liberia, West Africa.

and there were no American schools in Africa,

and so my parents sent my older brother, my oldest sister, and I to boarding school in Holland.

And, again, what my head told me was,

if you were somebody other than you were, you wouldn't have to go to boarding school.

And to think that at 11 years old, I thought my father had taken this job in Africa

so that he would get to send his youngest daughter away,

that's just a tad bit self-centered.

But that's all I could see was it was all about me.

So I go to this boarding school and...

Holland, I'm the youngest person on campus.

I'm putting a room with four Dutch girls who speak no English and me who speak no Dutch.

And I cried myself to sleep every night for three months.

Until my older sister, I have an older sister who's 13 months older than I am, she came down

to my room and what I've discovered in Al-Anon is part of the family disease of alcoholism for me affects my hearing.

I don't often hear what's said.

So I'm not exactly sure what she said, but I'll tell you what I thought she said.

What I thought she said was, I understand you're crying yourself to sleep every night.

And my head said, she's going to comfort me, she's going to tell me it's okay, it's going to be great.

And then what I heard her say was, if you do it again, I'll beat the crap out of you, you're embarrassing me.

And I didn't cry again that night.

I didn't cry again from that night forward

until the time I left that boarding school.

And what I know today is what I started doing

was I started stuffing my feelings.

I started acting how you wanted me to act

so that you would like me.

Because what my brain was telling me was,

don't forget, you're not enough.

You're not good enough.

If you don't do what they want you to do,

they're not going to like you and you're going to be abandoned.

You're going to be rejected.

You're going to be left alone.

Whatever.

Whatever.

I'm not enough on my own, so I have to have somebody else there.

And there's no greater fear for me than to be by myself.

That's not true today, but it certainly was true then.

And so I started being whatever it was anybody wanted me to be.

If you wanted me to be the funny little girl, I'd be the funny little girl.

If you wanted me to be the athletic one, I would do athletics.

Like Kent said last night, I always thought I was athletic.

Turns out I was simply enthusiastic.

Okay.

I'm not exactly coordinated, as most of my friends know.

And so they all laugh when they think that I did sports.

But that will tell you to what lengths I am willing to go to be part of.

After two years, my parents moved back to the States, and I said I wanted to come home.

Again, that for me is a geographic cure, and I don't even drink.

We came back to the States.

We came back to Georgia, and I wasn't there three months before I was miserable.

And the reason I was miserable was because I didn't fit in.

In my head, I didn't fit in.

And why I told myself I didn't fit in was because I'd lived overseas,

and nobody in this little town in Georgia lived overseas.

That's why I didn't fit in.

It's right.

I told myself I didn't fit in.

My mother is English.

My father was Dutch.

My older sister and I were born in Canada.

My brother was born in Africa.

Clearly, we don't fit in.

And that's the reason I told myself all those years I didn't fit in was because I had a different upbringing.

It turns out I didn't fit in because I have an internal spiritual malady that I'm always looking to fill with something outside of myself.

And if I'm always separating myself from you, I'm never going to be able to fill that spot in me.

So when my dad came home in November, December, after being in the States, I was in the ninth

grade and said we're moving to the Philippines, I said, yes, anywhere but where I was.

And what I thought was I would go to the Philippines and everything would be great.

And you know, I'm a real smart girl.

It never once occurred to me until I got to Al-Anon that wherever I went, there I was.

I never thought that I was going to be there too.

That's just baffling to me now, but it never crossed my mind then.

And so we moved to the Philippines, and it was great, because for the first time ever, my older sister, my older brother had not been at the school before me, like Kent had said, his experience last night.

My little sister was at the elementary school.

I was at the high school.

I was my own person for the first time.

But by being my own person for the first time, I still have these life lessons I've learned,

which is I need to be what you want me to be so that you will like me.

So I'm really not my own person.

I'm still whoever it is you want me to be.

And I'm doing things to make you like me.

I'm the manager of the volleyball team.

I'm on the president of the pep club.

I'm doing whatever it is I need to do to be part of.

uh... not because i really want to do it but because that's the only way i know to get you to

like me so i'm doing a lot of stuff i'm really enthusiastic i'm very peppy i'm

i'm just fun to be around

uh...

i don't like alcohol does not do for me what it does for alcoholics uh...

but i would drink so i would fit in and i don't drink well as my husband will

tell you

uh... half a glass of wine i'm pretty much done for the night

And so it's real hard to try and monitor how much you're drinking so you can still fit in and not pass out after one beer.

But I did it.

I was able to do that because I'm willing to go to any lengths to fit in.

Okay.

At the end of my junior year high school, it was in April of my junior year high school, my father came home and said, we're moving to Singapore.

And I said, oh, no, we're not.

He said, oh, yes, we are.

And I said, oh, no, we're not.

I'm going to be a senior.

It's my senior year of high school.

I finally got all these friends.

You can't move me my senior year of high school.

And he said, oh, yes, I can.

And we moved to Singapore.

And I'm so grateful that I'm able to look back on that today and see it in a different light and see God's hand in that move.

And I'm also grateful that I'm able to appreciate what my parents had to go through,

one, to send me and my older brother and sister to boarding school, as well as to move out of the Philippines because...

Like I told you, I thought it was all about me.

Since I've come to recovery, I've been able to look at that differently

and realize how difficult it must have been for my mother

to send her three oldest children, thousands of miles away from school,

and how much they must have loved us to be willing to do that.

That it was very important for them that we got a good education

and how grateful I am that they were willing to do that,

as difficult as it was for them.

And I have a wonderful relationship with my mother today.

I learned after I got into recovery that the reason –

Well, that's not true. I knew before I got into recovery that the reason we left the Philippines was my father's company wanted him to launder money.

And my father said, I'm not willing to do it.

I realized after I got into recovery, my father was willing to sacrifice his career to protect his family.

Now, that's a life lesson that I didn't learn until I got here, even though I'd been exposed to it 10 or 15 years before I got here.

And I'm grateful to Alon for allowing me to see that.

So we moved to Singapore, like Kent said.

We knew each other in high school.

He was the student body president.

He was the king of the...

the junior senior prom he was the king at the Christmas ball he was mister popular

he was voted most sparkling personality and I was a new kid on the block I mean I

was I was just new and I did what I need to do I was exciting I was enthusiastic I

was a cheerleader everybody got to be a cheerleader it wasn't that I was

any great cheerleader everybody got to be a cheerleader I was always on the

bottom of the pyramid and there was a reason for that I gave some good support but

But I did what I need to do.

The only night Kent and I ever went out and we didn't actually go out, we just ended

up together at the same place.

and that was our night we graduated from high school. I remember every moment of the night.

I remember standing in the bathroom at the party, looking at the Budweiser cans in the bathtub.

I remember going down to the local hotel, let me finish, to listen to a band.

I remember every moment of that night. My husband remembers not a

a single instance. He doesn't remember anything about it, even when I tell him. He said,

I still don't remember it. I'm like, that's great. Should have been a clue. It was not.

I picked my college campus because I thought it looked good in the brochure. The pictures were pretty.

I hadn't been in snow for about eight years. I thought snow would be good. So I picked a college campus in Maine.

It snows in November. It's not melted until May, and by the time it had melted in May, I had transferred.

I would have told you before Al-Anon that I transferred because of the snow.

Turns out I transferred because of a man.

Alcohol does not do for me what it does for alcoholics.

Relationships do for me, what alcohol does for alcoholics.

I am not enough by myself.

I want the feeling that somebody wants me and needs me, so you just give me a relationship.

Preferably a man. That is my drink of choice.

Okay.

And I found my first him in college.

I had no self-esteem before.

I mean, these are my isn't before I had ever got involved with anybody who drank.

I had no self-esteem.

I was not good enough by myself.

I needed a man.

And I found this guy who was a year older than me,

who lived on the second floor of my dorm.

I lived on the third floor.

I lived in a co-ed dorm.

And he drank vodka every night, either on the rocks,

or straight up. I always get that confused.

And he drank vodka every night, and I thought that was so sophisticated.

I thought that was so mature.

And I don't date.

I'm instantly in love.

The first time we go out, that's it.

We have a relationship, and it is going to charge the road of Happy Destiny together.

And...

And what happens to me is because I need you to make me feel good,

the feeling doesn't last long, so I need you to do more.

I need you to do more. I need you to tell me more often.

I need you to show me more often.

It doesn't matter how much you do it.

It is still not enough for me because that's what the family disease of alcoholism does to me.

And so my experience has been when you do that to a guy,

they generally tend to run screaming from you,

which only then feeds that you're not good enough

because if you were good enough, they'd stick with you.

If you were good enough, they'd love you.

And so I get really, really needy.

I get really, really clingy.

They get really, really scared, and they run.

And then I start that cycle again.

And what ended up happening to me is the guy, let's say, dumped me.

And you can't, I can't stay there because everybody now knows that he's dumped me.

Now, I'm a freshman in this college.

I'm pretty sure nobody, maybe my roommate,

knew that he dumped me, but I was sure everybody knew that he dumped me.

So I couldn't stay.

I had to move.

I had to go someplace else.

I could not face my shame, my humiliation on a daily basis, which is what I would do every time I saw this guy.

And every time I saw him, my brain would tell me, see that?

You're not good enough.

He picked somebody else.

Okay.

And I am a sticker. I am not a runner. I'm built for endurance.

I am with you to the end. Once I'm there, I am there to the bitter end.

And so I had to move. And I transferred schools. I transferred down to a school in Georgia.

And I went to the guidance counselor. And I've known since I was this big that I wanted to be a lawyer.

That's all I've ever wanted to do with my life is to be a lawyer. I got to the guidance counselor.

She said, not with those grades. You're not going to law school.

Because I do what I do. I devote all of my attention to him.

and all of my grades suffered that first year of college.

And even when I'm not him, I'm still thinking about him.

When I'm not with him, I'm still thinking about him.

Why didn't he want me?

Why did he say that?

Why doesn't he love me?

What do I need to do?

So, you know, it's really hard to study when you're spending all that time focused on him.

And so my grades were not good.

And so I decided at that point of time I was going to do what I needed to do

to get the good grades to do what I needed to do.

And that is a lesson that I learned.

I learned...

that if i just work hard enough if i just put my mind to it if i just devote enough

energy and attention to it i can do anything

and i'll tell you three years later i graduated from that college with honors

i got early admission to this law school of my choice

i took a year off told my father i wanted to be independent pay for law school myself

that was a mistake

But I did it. I did it.

And went off to law school, and when I'm spending, when I get focused on something, I'm focused on it.

So I didn't date in college.

I got to law school.

I didn't really date in law school.

And the entire time I'm not dating, my head is telling me.

it's because nobody wants to be with you.

That's what the disease of alcoholism tells me.

It's because you're not good enough.

You might as well devote yourself to your studies because nobody's going to want to be with you anyway.

So I've got that voice in the back of my head.

I've got the other voice in the back of my head saying make them like you, make them like you, make them like you.

And so I'm doing everything to make them like me and to do well

because, you know, I'm not going to end up with somebody to take care of me and you're not good enough.

Lots of voices in my head.

I graduated from law school.

I decided that I wanted to join the Army because they had sent me to Washington one summer to work,

and I thought that that would be a great job.

And they called me two weeks before graduation, and they said,

we're going to send you to Fort Leavenworth, Kansas.

And I said, oh, no, I don't think you are.

And they said, Fort Sill, Oklahoma.

Now this is what I said, and I'm not an alcoholic, that's a dry county.

I don't believe I'll go there.

I don't know how I knew it was a dry county, but I couldn't go someplace there wasn't alcohol.

Not because of the alcohol, but today I think it's because there wouldn't have been alcoholics,

and I love alcoholics.

And so then they said, Ford Hood, Texas.

And I said, no, I don't think so.

So two weeks before graduation, I'm unemployed, I have law school loans, and I'm panic-stricken.

And I ended up getting offered a job in Montgomery, Alabama.

And I will tell you.

My mother, when I told my mother I was moving to Montgomery, Alabama, she said, oh my, I never thought one of my children would end up in Alabama.

Now, here's the God of my understanding today.

My mother lives directly across the street from my husband and I.

My brother lives in Huntsville, Alabama, and we're trying to get my little sister down from Ohio to Alabama.

So...

We have no idea what God's plan is for us.

So I came to Montgomery and Alabama with the idea of staying here for two years and then moving back to Georgia.

That was in 1988, and I've never once moved back to Georgia.

I'm still here.

But right before my two years, my commitment was up, I was going to go back to Atlanta, and I met another him.

And once I meet him, all plans change.

And I met him at a charity softball game.

And I thought, wow, this is cool.

A charity softball game.

He's socially conscious.

And we went to a party afterwards, and he's having just a couple of beers because, you know, I'm watching.

I wouldn't have told you I was watching.

I had no idea I was watching, but I'm watching.

And he's drinking Budweiser.

I got to stay away from guys who like Budweiser.

And...

And we chat, and he asks for my phone number.

And I thought, wow, he's asked for my phone number.

What a gentleman.

And he called me that evening at about 10 o'clock, and he said,

the party's still going on here, and I need to get up and go to work in the morning.

Do you think I could sleep on your couch?

And I thought, he's responsible.

He's got a job.

He's hardworking.

Oh, this is wonderful.

Yeah.

So I said, yes, you could come and sleep on my couch.

And he did sleep on my couch that night.

That was the only night in two and a half years a man slept on my couch, but he did sleep on my couch that night.

But you see, I don't date.

I'm instantly in love.

The moment he said those things, it was all I needed, and that began two and a half years.

I don't know if he's an alcoholic or not.

I know this.

His drinking bothered me, and it bothered me very quickly.

and that we're living together and I'm doing things that I would not usually do

not the way that I was raised and I was justifying him and rationalizing and defending them

I knew my parents did not want me living with somebody before I got married I knew

the institution of marriage was very important to my parents

I justified my living with this guy by saying well my older sister had done it

so it can't be that bad

well I'll tell you we're not for me when I justify those things that I know are not

right in my heart

a little piece of my soul dies every time I do it

And so I start doing what I do, which is focusing on him.

And I'm watching how much he's drinking.

And I will tell you, like I said, I've got seven years of a higher education.

It never once occurred to me.

When I talk to him about his drinking, to not talk to him about his drinking when he's actually drinking.

That thought never crossed my mind.

So I'm doing things like explaining to him why he shouldn't drink as much.

I don't know if anybody can relate to this.

I'm an explainer.

I want to explain it to you.

If I just explain it to you in the right way, at the right time, with the right words, when you were in the right chair, you will understand.

And if you really understand, you will say, you are absolutely right.

I'll do it your way.

Okay.

You know, I just think if you just do that, everything would be okay.

And so I'm explaining to him on a regular basis why his drinking is bothering me.

Now, it is no wonder that that nagging can't.

You can't drink the way that they drink with that kind of nagging.

And I was nagging.

I mean, we call it in my home group Badger Woman.

And I was Badger Woman.

And I was Badger Woman.

Yeah, Neen, Neen, Nin.

It's no wonder the beer can started flying.

He never once hit me.

Okay.

He would throw beer cans at me.

Doors would get slammed.

Holes would get busted in the walls.

Plates would get busted.

It's a miracle that he never hit me.

But I didn't understand anything about the disease of alcoholism.

I just knew that his drinking bothered me.

And I didn't understand why, if I told him it bothered him,

if he didn't love me enough, why he wouldn't stop.

I did things.

This is the insanity of alcoholism for me.

And I don't do anything small.

He had a three-year-old son.

I took this picture of his son who was in the leaves with the football,

and I don't just blow this thing up to 10 by 12.

I blow this sucker up to 10 by 16.

Poster size.

Frame it.

Hang it on the chair, hang it on the wall, directly across from his drinking chair.

And I stand in front of it like I'm Van der White, and I say,

if you don't love me enough to quit drinking,

perhaps you love your son enough to quit drinking.

Okay.

Yeah, exactly. I had no idea. I had no idea what I was doing to that man. Absolutely no idea. And that was the first time a full beer can came flying at me.

Boom. I had no idea what I did to that man. And I will tell you, that man's been on my ninth step list since the beginning.

And I have talked to my sponsor about it. I did my steps with a sponsor. I did all 12 steps. I did them in order. I did not start at 12.

Okay.

I did them all in order, and when I got to my ninth step, and we made a decision that at the time,

I could not make that amends without hurting him or his family at the time.

And so he's been on my nine-step list.

I've been willing from the beginning to make that amends.

And two weeks ago, I was sitting in court, and I was doing something on the computer,

and the defendant happened to have the same last name as this guy,

and so I plugged this guy's name into the computer.

I've not been able to find him, you know,

thing I just can plug it in it's not he popped right up I'm thinking oh crap it's time

for a ninth step

uh... and i know and i and i have i did not call my sponsor for a week

because i knew what she was going to tell me

i told my husband that i was going to have to make this night step amends uh... he's

been very supportive of that i've talked my sponsor about it i'm in the process of

doing the steps i need to do

to make an appropriate nine step

uh... and it's appropriate for him not necessarily for me

uh...

i'm willing to do that work today and i'm grateful for that so

so this is the relationship i had with this guy and uh...

What ends up, what I like to do in order to get you to like me because

I'm not enough by myself.