The Select Speaker meeting in Bakersfield, CA

OK. Tonight, our first speaker will be Tim S from Bakersfield.

I,

Tim, and I'm an alcoholic.

Thanks for having me out here. I,

I was at the Relay for Life this weekend and I know you were, I see the shirt and my sponsors out there. And he called me up and he said, you know, the speaker for the meeting tonight is not going to make it and I want you to come back. My sponsor, he told me that the speaker is not going to make it tonight. And he wanted me to come over here and here I am. I, I didn't really see this done. So I want to start off by, I want, I want to know if Al Anon's, if there's any Al Anon's out there. Can you raise your hand,

Alan's?

I want to welcome you guys to the meetings. I really like. I really love seeing Al Anon's and a a

I thought it was the weirdest thing when my mom started coming to coming to open a a meetings and speaker meetings and she was in all Anon and you know, my momma's She's she's a beautiful Alan on it and she comes to these meetings and she really gets a lot out of it. She she works her steps out of the out of the big book and she's really in in Allen and I'm just so proud of her. So when you guys come here, I just want to say welcome and I love seeing you here.

You know, she she's in Al Anon because I think this is real important. She's in, she's a good Al Anon.

She's on al Anon because of me. She's not an al Anon because of my dad, her mom, or any of those people. She's an al Anon because she's always in meetings and she's always reaching out to that new al Anon lady that walks in the door and she's always in the steps and she's always out of town at some convention or some crews or anything like that. And I'm real proud of her. So what I'll do is as I'll talk about a little bit how I got started.

Growing up as a kid I I saw a lot of drinking in my family.

Not, I mean a lot, but I saw it and I get to go over my grandma parents house and

they drank a lot. And I remember I go over to their house and I'd open up the refrigerator and they had this big old box of beer. They wouldn't even take it out of the, the box. Sometimes they just stick the whole thing in the in the refrigerator to get a cold quick. And I have a box of wine and they, they have shot glasses decorated over the house and, and it was just wonderful. I love going over there and seeing that atmosphere and, and I'm six years old and I'm thinking this is cool. And I'd open up that refrigerator and I swear that box would just blow. And as it was like open up a box of

on the on the movies and it just glows, I'd open up that refrigerator just glow. And it looked like a lot of fun for a long time.

And eventually I got to that age where I thought it was appropriate for me to start drinking. And that was 12 and

I wouldn't be on my parents back. And I started drinking a little bit and

it, it really, it seemed like my whole life I just really didn't quite fit in. And I, I wasn't a brave kid. I wasn't a tough kid. I was really sensitive. And I wouldn't tell you that. Of course, I,

I was really sensitive and I, and I was really afraid a lot of the time. It seemed as soon as I took that alcohol that started to kind of drift away and it, and it, it just kind of made me come out of my shell and loosen up a little bit and I just felt all right. And

it, it went to other things like drugs and, and different lifestyles. And, and I know some people are like, Oh yes, Amy, you know, talk about drugs. But to reassure everybody, I did every drug I ever used, I did use it very alcoholically and,

and when I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I did not think I had an alcohol problem. But I look back and there's two main things that

make me know now that I am alcoholic is when I I drink alcohol. Once I take that first drink, something happens and something changes. And that little voice inside my head that gets me to take that first drink every time, no matter what, no matter how many times I swear it off forever, no matter how many times I always go back and there's that little voice in my head that just come on, Tim, just just go take this little drink. Go take this little drink. You know, it's not that big of a deal. You know, it's your parents have been so mean to you. It's time to move out.

And you know, everybody here knows how it is. And if you know what it is to be an alcoholic, you know, I don't have to explain it to you. If you don't know, you never will know.

So things get really bad and, and I'll try and make this quick. I, I end up getting real bad. I hate my parents. I hate just about everybody in the world and I'm isolated from everyone. I've automatically learned how to walk in a room and, and completely separate myself from everybody in the room. Oh, you're too old, or you're a woman, or

you're black or you're, you know, anything like that, whatever it is. And it's not that I have something against you, you're just different from me. And I learned how to do that real well.

So I came in Alcoholics and I was very mad, very angry. And they, they introduced me to, to, I was in a rehab and they brought me in and there's all these old men with mustaches and they have, they have coffee stains in the mustaches and, and all kinds of stuff like that.

And

they introduced me Alcoholics Anonymous and I came home from from this rehab and I got a sponsor right away. And I asked this guy and he said, well, it's probably not the best decision you've ever made, but I'll do it. And

5 sponsors later, I finally got the one that stuck and it's been great. And we started working the steps and he had me doing it now the big book. And I got to that four step and I, you know, things are starting to get a little good for me. I've got a job now and things are going OK at the house and all kinds of cool stuff. You know, I could place

relax a little bit with all this reading and writing and inventory. Oh my God, I

So I did. And slowly but surely I started slipping into that misery misery and I started to feel angry and lonely, tired and I just needed a break. And those voices are starting to talk to me in my head. Maybe not just go get a drink, but start talking to me about how horrible everybody else in the world is just treating me. And

I started to feel desperation. And I was talking to my sponsor one day and he does this thing where he'll ask me,

you know, what have you done to stay sober today? And a lot of times I didn't have anything to tell him. I'd say, well, I'm at a meeting and he'd tell me that's not good enough.

So he asked me where I was on my four step one day. And I told him, well, I'm about the same spot I was, you know, six months ago when he asked me last time. And, and he told me something that I, it just hit me so hard. And he said when the pain gets great enough, something happened. And I knew exactly what that meant. I knew when the pain gets great enough, I'm going to drink

or I'm going to do that four step and I'm going to be free. And I got freedom at shortly after. Then I did my fist step and and I received love from a man for the first time. And because because many men in AA, I'd walk into Baker Street all plenty of times. And here comes Ralph and I love you Tim. And, and

you're talking to me again. And it freaked me out for a long time. I was in rehab with a guy this, this 6 foot four, 300 LB guy with a demon tattooed on the back of his neck

and he had tattoos all the way down to his toes. And he'd tell me he loved me and it freaked me out.

And, and, and maybe I maybe I'd say, you know, Oh yeah, love you too, Chuck, or love you too, Ralph. But I never received love until I did my, my fish step in that restaurant downtown. And you know, I'm free today. And, and one thing since I did talk about my mom a little bit, I'll close up with, with sharing because I, I do, I am free today and I don't have to drink and I don't have to think about drinking all the time. Now. I don't have to live in the bondage of myself. And that's a big thing in the, in the, in the book, it talks about that the bondage itself.

I enslaved myself for so long, not just drinking, but in sobriety too. And it's such a big deal for me as I'm not, I'm not a slave by myself anymore. So, you know, right before I went away, I was threatening my mom's life. My mom went into my room after I, I moved out and they found all kinds of knives in my room. And I was serious. And and they, they, we, my nephew lives with us and, and they used to

lock themselves in the room, like they're hiding, you know, like on the movies when people they're like, hiding from, like a monster. It was almost like they were like that and they locked themselves in the room with my nephew

nephews mattress on the floor because they didn't know what was going to happen. And

that's, that's a tough deal for me. And I went, I went into my mom's room one night after I've been sober for a while and I she'd been big name on my four step. And then I made amends to her and my dad at the same time. And I sat them down and I told them that I'm really sorry and that I love them and

this is stuff right here.

So I went up to my mom. I gave a real big hug and I kissed her on her cheek and I said I love you mom,

Thank you. Alcoholic synonymous.

Man, every time. Every time I get to the podium happens every time.

I don't want to share that with you because if you haven't been touched like that in this program, I don't mean to hurt your feelings or anything, but if you haven't been touched like that in this program, there might not be something. There might be something you're not doing right. Because it's touched me in a way nothing else ever has done more than alcohol has ever done for me. Alcoholics Anonymous reached out to me and I call my mom up all the time

and I get home late from work and I got to wake up at 3:00 in the morning sometimes and I just want to go to bed, but I can't help but go without lady's room. We just talked her and we talked about the big books and we talked about we talked about sponses and we talk about meetings and we talk about

everything under the sun and she talks about her al Anon friends and I talk about my a a friends and and it's just so beautiful and we live that relationship and it's been the greatest thing it's ever happened to me. So

if if you're here tonight and you can't stop drinking and no matter what you do, you can't feel free inside yourself, there's hope and it's in the steps. My experience and thank everyone of you for coming.