Parksville Rally in Parksville, British Columbia, Canada

My name is Rick and I'm an alcoholic.

I'm going to take my jacket off. I'm melting here.

I used to drink, eh?

Before I start telling my story, I want to, I want to thank Lori and the committee from the bottom of my heart. This is such a thrill for me to be here.

I'm not highly educated for the newcomers. I'm no authority on alcoholism or AEA. I'm just a guy with a story and

and I used to drink. Boy did I used to drink and it was the one thing I did really well. And

but from the bottom of my heart, thank you to the committee and Barry for dragging me around and point note every meeting room in town. And,

and

anyways,

I used to drink and I really loved booze. I loved everything about it. I was so crazy about booze that I remember a story where a bunch of us were about 18 and we were drinking W1 night

and every time we took a big drink of whiskey, we'd shiver and go like that. And we decided that that was a whiskey orgasm.

And I made the mistake of of going to my family doctor, a little fellow from India.

And I told him that I thought I was having whiskey orgasms. And this little East Indian fellow, Doctor Jay, he says, oh, Richard, you silly ass, that that is your gag reflex. That's your stomach content trying to come out your nose.

But man, I still love booze. You know, he later put me on hand abuse and did all sorts of wonderful things for me. But man, I love booze. And but I should tell you about me first. I I'm one of four children from a family that was part or part Irish and part Scottish. And today that makes wonderful sense to me because half of me always wanted to drink and the other half never wanted to pay.

Never mind.

But I, oh, I like booze. And, and

this was an interesting family and I didn't know it was interesting. I had a much older brother who was 14 years older than me. I had a sister who was 6 1/2, seven years older than me and then me and then a younger sister who was seven years old or younger than than me. And so my mother had babies 21 years, every seven years. And so the joke in our house was my father got the seven-year itch and stayed home.

And

it was a different house than any of the other kids in the neighborhood because I had a sister who was severely cerebral palsy and she was confined to wheelchair more braces. And our house was different because I'm old enough to know that healthcare as we know it today didn't start till 1964. So we had huge issues about income and feeding the family and dealing with braces and sustagen and brain surgeries. And

my sister constantly had seizures and she had to have physiotherapy every night. And it was just a different house.

But we also had all sorts of fundraising activities going on in our house. My parents put on a thing called with a, a television network, a cerebral palsy

telethon. And it was on this this global in those days. And, and so it was an exciting house to grow up in as well, because there was always a party, there was always excitement. There was always people coming and going and they'd roll up all the furniture in the basement and have dances and the mayor's wife would come over and get drunk and make a pass on my wife

or my dad, I should say, and

I'll have to talk slower. I am half Irish.

Anyways, I get, I guess for me booze was always part of the part of the family thing and and my host may have not been normal by most standards but it was the only thing I knew. So it was normal. It was very normal and there was lots of excitement.

But the first, the first time I drank,

something happened to me. There was a bunch of kids in the neighborhood and we got together. We're going to go camping down at the river and we must have been 1213 or whatever. And we got a great big peanut butter jar. I think it was Skippy, I'm not sure. And it was cleaned out and we filled it with vodka and rum and rye and Scotch. And it was, it was brutal, I guess, but it went around the campfire and all the other guys were spitting it out and they were foolish. I mean, come on.

And within an hour the lights went out

because I drank it all

and I came to in the back of a policeman's car

in someone else's clothes.

Why do people laugh at that?

Apparently I'd spit up on myself and we'd gone carousing in the neighborhood and and the police picked me up and brought me home. And till the day I die bleary eyed and and pimple faced and a snot face, Kid, I remember exactly what my father said. He said, son, if you can't handle that stuff, you leave it alone. And I had a keen mind. I don't know that it was alcoholic or not. I don't, I not get into this stuff. Whether I was born alcoholic or not

cares. I'm here,

but my father said said that to me and I thought I'll try harder. My keen mind said I'll show you and I got good at drinking. Now it wasn't planned that I come here and and stand up here in my best suit and tell my story. That wasn't the plan with this. The plan was I wanted to get high and listen to the fiddler, you know, I wanted to have a good time and I had a lot of fun with AI

or with alcoholism. And I'm nervous. It must be important to me to be here.

Anyways,

just about every time I drank I'd have blackouts. And my behavior at first in the blackouts wasn't that bad, but it became more and more bizarre the longer I drank and and more and more embarrassing, and the story's got Wilder and stupider. And

I was, I was the kind of drunk, if pink elephants drank, they would have seen me.

You know, I was a goof. I mean, I was just out of control the whole time.

My wife used to say after I got married, she'd say one minute she'd be fine. And then I'd look over and apparently I'd become snot bubbling drunk again, you know, And I was just was like flipping a light switch and I'd go to overload and I was always, always saying the wrong thing at the perfect time, you know, at the perfect time.

You're talking about me bringing a chocolate cake through the airport.

My one airport story is my brother drove me from London ON to Toronto so that I could fly back to Vancouver, where I was living at that time. And we drank a bottle of whiskey between us on the way in a convertible and drove to Toronto. And when we got there, of course it was back in the Old Sky Bus days

and there was a huge lineup for Skybus. It was like a $99 flight type thing. And I said to my brother, I really gotta pee. And he says give me your your ticket and I'll get your boarding pass. I thought, you know, whatever, it's gonna take an hour. And I came back a few minutes later and he had a boarding pass

and I thought, I said, how did you get that? And he said, little brother, I got pulled around here.

I didn't think much of it. And then he hugged me. And as he's hugging me, he leans in my ear and he says, and by the way, you've just had a heart attack. Here comes your wheelchair.

And that was definitely not funny because I was going to get sober on an airplane on a 5 hour flight back to Vancouver and they were not going to give me a drink because I went on a wheelchair. And as a matter of fact, they got very thin lipped about that. Yeah.

But I was to tell you a little more about me. I was I was a child of of the late 50s and early 60s and I had a a learning disability that today's no big deal. It's called dyslexia. And in those days it was unknown. And so I was strapped a lot in school. So about the time I really started liking booze, I was working part time in this little restaurant and the shorter to cook had a stroke

and one night they handed me a hamburger Turner and an apron and I fell in love with the idea of becoming a chef. You know, I think I was in my mind, I thought it was going to become a connoisseur, but by then I was already a common sewer and

I've never sipped a drink in my life. I I've always guzzled. I've always chug a lug a lug and

till it came out my nose. And,

and so I went on this thing and I and I got my papers. I became a paper chef. I have a red seal diploma thing and almost got thrown out of out of chef school for being drunk and disorderly in class. And I had all sorts of problems and issues with trying to get along with the other kids.

I was, I was never a lover when I was a drinker. About the time it made sense, forget it. And,

and I was never a fighter. In all fairness, I had, I did have a medical problem. I didn't have any guts. And I always loved George Carlin's line. He always said do what you want to the girl, but leave me alone. And that was me. I was not getting in any fights. It was not going to happen.

I was a talker and I talked myself out of quite a few bad situations that I talked myself into.

But but I really, oh, did I like drinking, man, I like drinking.

And I had a buddy and he and I would, we were constantly getting picked up by the police. You know, I was charged with underage drinking three times before I turned 18 years old. And I grew up in a nice city, a very nice town. And London, ON, for those of you who are from there, I know there's a couple there. You are and

but it was, I mean, I didn't have a bad childhood. I didn't have a bad family. I had the kind of father that

I never in public. I never heard my father say anything unkind about my mom.

He treated her royally. When he was out in public alone, he used to refer to as that thin lipped Presbyterian woman

and, and I recognize thin lips these days, trust me. And

but he treated her. They were in love and in my life. I wanted to be. I wanted to have that in my life. I really did. I'm not one of these guys that wanted to get rich and drive a Rolls Royce unless she was rich and gave me one.

The other part involved work and I was allergic. I used to break out and sweat when I get close to it. And but I I was a drunk and I never knew when the lights were going to go out. And, and that was terrifying to me, you know, because I wanted to perform well. I wanted to do this thing the right way.

I was working in one of the most exclusive country clubs in Canada. I was working as the sous chef that's second in command and this little brunette bounces into my life

and she's Irish Catholic and I was Protestant soul. Orange and green, I guess that's brown.

And she was amazing because she laughed at all my jokes, you know, And we, we, we had a honeymoon partying. We went dancing and drinking and carrying on and, and drinking in those days for me wasn't, wasn't a bad thing. It was, it was sweaty bodies thrashing around on dance floors. We went out and we boogied and we had a ball and,

and then I got charged with impaired driving

gain and I got really scared. So I proposed to her.

But it was romantic. It really was because I really wanted to be that guy that she'd look across the table and say that's my guy and she'd give me that look, guys, you know, that look. Me either,

I think she's getting Alzheimer's. She starts to laugh at my jokes again. So I'm going to get her to a doctor. But

really I just, I wanted, I really wanted to be a whole guy. I wanted to be that kind of husband and that kind of dad and not father knows best, you know, I wanted to have fun too. And we laughed a lot and we really had a lot of fun when we're dating and I'd take her home after dates and then I go home and drink till I passed out. I was in heaven.

It was it was a little schizophrenic. There was too little lives going on here.

But I really, really, I wanted to be her old man, you know? I wanted to be proud and hold my hand when we vote in public, you know?

And inside, I was just terrified because I knew I was going to screw it up. And

so the date came. I remember what my dad said. He said. He said, oh, son, Are you sure you want to do this to her? You know,

and the day she walked up the aisle, she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen in my life. Young woman and

I used to joke. I was so insensitive. I used to joke that on the day we got married, we looked like a brand new house. She was all painted up and I was freshly plastered

and and that's not totally true. My wife's never worn makeup and

but then we started what I call what I called for years was our dance of the wounded Sparrow. Our marriage would flutter up and drop and flutter up and drop the dance of the wounded Sparrow and

see, yet by then I really had to drink. And my my wife had while I was dating her, she was in nursing school becoming a registered nurse and I was cooking and I've been telling everyone I was a chef. Of course I remember I worked at this little restaurant and was telling everyone how I was a chef in this old cockney. Waitress said. Listen Bob, you may think you're a chef but you're nothing but a sweaty hairy ass cook.

I experienced that today with the hamburgers and hot dogs. Thank you, Barry. That was fun.

But it was, it was, it was like schizophrenia. It was it was me wanting to be someone

and with the pain and fear of actually who I was. And as it went on,

she stopped laughing.

And that hurt because I wanted, I just wanted, I wanted to continue. And I blame her. Of course, you know, it was her fault, of course, because she was getting serious.

You know, I did come home three in the morning drunk and she'd say drunk again. I go, me too, you know, And she wouldn't laugh. Nothing I could do would bring her back. The girl I was I had been dating and

and I used to tell everybody we have this love hate relationship, the classic love or hate relation. What a load up bull. You know, I thought the opposite of love was hate.

The opposite of love is not hate. I was seven years sober when I discovered the opposite of love is indifference.

And my wife used to look at me and she'd say, why do you lie? Why do you sneak around and lie? Because I'd I'd get about a layer of five or six lies and they're hard to keep track of, right? Especially with a hangover and that oily swept from the night before and that hard to that hard to grin grin, you know? And she'd she'd say, if you really loved me, why do you lie?

And I didn't know that I didn't love her

or that I did love her. I didn't understand the reason that I'd sneak around and lie was because I didn't want to hurt her again. I didn't want to let her down one more time. I really didn't want to disappoint her again. And it tore my heart up between drunks. It really tore my heart up. And now I married Irish Catholic. Now there's Irish, there's Catholic and there's Irish Catholic. And,

and the problem with that is

if you don't have kids really quick, they think there's something wrong with dad,

you know, and I wasn't even sleeping in the same room half the time, you know, and, and my wife and I had decided that we, it was probably in better interest of a child and both of us that we never have children because they never knew when I was going to twist off and disappear for a couple days. I was, I was a traveling drunk. I would come to it, my steering wheel doing 90 going where am I,

and I was a terrible driver and drinker. And

So what happened was I got an opportunity to change careers and I became a coffee salesman. I worked for Maxwell House in Edmonton. I took a job in Edmonton. I was the last drip I

I got. I once, I once went to a national sales meeting and they brought me up at the front when those days the sales traveling salesman, we had rapid drafts and travel letters and a rapid draft was to do business. It was a checkbook to do business. And the travel letter was how you brought up your expenses so you didn't have to have your checks sent out. And I had a lousy year that year and they asked me to come up to the front of this sales meeting in front of 300 people.

And the gentleman said we have a special award tonight for Rick Kellen here. He

he had the highest expenses in November and I forget what the amount was. He says. We have this holster for his rapid draft and his travel letter all end as well. He never left Edmonton.

Not funny. And but I was, the company was, was feeding me booze. And

there came that fateful day I got charged with impaired again. And I went to court and I was my lawyer and I, I was in a bit of a blackout. My lawyer and I were convinced that we could beat this case. So we get into courtroom and he didn't do his work and I didn't remember. And the cop got up there and they have those little black books and he opened it up and he said I pulled Mr. Killen over at so and so St. and so and so Ave. He rolled down his window, handed me his driver's license. His ownership rolled

window and drove away.

So I didn't look at my lawyer because I knew if he was laughing, I was screwed right?

And when I finally were able to look at him, he was gone. He was giving me that funny look and we're making eyes at each other in the and the police officer went on to say I subsequently pulled the accused over. Four blocks later he leaped from his car, ran to my window and yelled what the F do you want now.

So this time I did get the corner of my eye thing with my lawyer on his shoulders were going and he was looking at the floor and, and so there were two words I had for him and they were plead guilty. And

so I came home to that house. We had a beautiful little house in the West End of Edmonton. When I came home to my wife and for eight years of marriage and three years of dating, we had played this, this dance of the wounded Sparrow where I I would get drunk and misbehave and do my, my stupidity thing. And she would get very sullen, very quiet, very hurt

and wouldn't talk to me. And so I'd wait till the precise moment

and I'd push her buttons emotionally and she'd explode on me and she'd get all this anxiety and energy out and then I'd offer alternatives. So in the big book, when it talks about drinking wine only and

all that stuff, you know that wonderful stuff in the third chapter, Oh baby, I was there with my wife. But this day I thought I'll try a new tact

and I had this plan and it was perfect in my mind. I came home and I said, you know,

this is really tough, maybe I should move out. And I thought, she's going to say, oh, honey, you poor thing. She packed.

Hour and a half later, I'm standing on the porch with my matching alcoholic luggage, a pair of green garbage bags going. Wait a minute. This is not what I planned. This is not quite what I expected,

but I'll show her in five or six weeks later. I'd lost 25 to 30 lbs.

My eyes were yellow.

I had those little sores you get on your back when you lay on a mattress and drink and then wake up and then drink. And I think they're called wine. Source

has absolutely defeated. I owed a lot of money and I knew I couldn't pay it back.

I'd had a seizure. Anybody here not had a seizure? That's a really special thing. Your whole world's world starts to look like it's wrapped in Saran wrap and you feel like a high voltage electrical wire with no insulation and you know you're going down. And I went down. I tried to get to the grass, but I did it on the sidewalk and I did one of these, you know, the involuntary break dancing and all. The whole side of my head had a scab on it. I had a half a Caesar look for about 3 weeks

and

but that was how I was coming to bottom and I went through a treatment center

and then I had to drink a couple times after that and come back to AE and detox in the rooms. And the thing that happened to me that that happens to so many people, I mean, I was my first meeting was

1975 and I got sober in August 8th, 1985. And the thing that happened to me, that happens to so many people in a A is

I ran out of gas. And when we tell our stories for the new peak newcomers, when we tell our stories, it's what it was like. And you've heard a bit of that. What happens is hugely spiritually significant to me. I couldn't fight anything or anybody when I came back that last time, I was absolutely empty, could not fight anything or anybody. And I came back to a A1 more time.

I didn't have anywhere else to go

and it was my old Home group and I was the Youngstown group in the West End of Edmonton. And there was old George was there, old tired George. And he wore this little brown leisure suit look like a blue Jean jacket, and he had a pen protector in his pocket. And he talked real soft, you know,

And I come back to a one more time and he'd say, watch your sober date this time, Rick. And I wanted to puke, you know?

And then he looked at his pen. He went oops. He put it back in his pocket and took it. A pencil. I don't know

one more time.

And when I kept coming back, it was like they were saying to me,

wreck, wreck, wreck, you know,

not a game. And

but I came back this this one last time. And there was a little gal in that group just taken her third birthday and she'd been making coffee for three years. And she said something warm and fuzzy like hey, stupid or hey, you or that's how it sounded like to me at that time. She probably said, Rick, I'm tired of this. Can you help me out

now? I'm a Red Seal chef. And when I was when I was a young chef, I'd been on a cooking team that had cooked for Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip. I thought I had a resume, you know, and, and I was, I was the last trip and they asked me to make coffee. And I went home and I became abjectly terrified that you would not like my coffee

if there were ever a group of people on the face of the thirst that are more pallet fatigue than us, right?

So I went out and I bought Colombian coffee beans. That's before that was fashionable, long before Starbucks. And I ground them just right,

and I made that coffee just right. And no one said one word,

but I laid out the literature and I made the coffee and I started to live like I believed it might work. I didn't think it was going to work.

I didn't think it was going to work for me. I'd been in and out for years.

And the miracle in AA happens, and it happens a lot when we're doing that sort of thing because I'd be sent up the literature table and set up the coffee and doing all that stuff. And other guys just like me who aren't going to go home because their wife lived there too. We're there. And we started talking and I started losing my fear of those people, you know? And I was, I was separated, you know, we'd split the house. She had the inside and I had the outside,

and if she was going to have that house, I wanted half the money or something, right?

And so we got some counseling and we discovered that for years we talked at each other. All our conversations started with you. You always, you never, you son of you know what I mean?

And we didn't talk to each other and I didn't know how and I didn't know how to be a husband. And

but I made a huge mistake. I came day and I started to talk. And if you don't want to stay here, don't talk, right? Because some poor slob job came up to me and said will you be my sponsor?

And I said why, of course.

And then I thought, I better get a sponsor and find out what the hell they do.

So I picked this guy with a big Irish grin. He looked like a cop.

And I know, I know you think your, your sponsors special, but God sent me as paint salesman, OK.

And, and Terry was an amazing man and I loved that man, you know, and what he did for my life is amazing. And he didn't tell me to do steps. He didn't push me to do steps. He did steps with me. And I didn't take the steps anywhere. They're still there.

You know, I don't belong to the program of AA. I'm honored to be here, but I don't belong to the program of AA. I belong to the fellowship of AA. And that's the other thing he did to me. He gave me jobs. He gave me new best friends,

He gave me purpose and my purpose was there to clean damn ashtrays and stack chairs. My purpose was to go over to the newcomers and, and, and, and help them. He noticed that that I wasn't doing very well at home. Like before I got sober, I'd say to Terry, I'd say, I'd say if I don't get my wife, you know when, when I was first getting sore, if I don't get my wife back, I think we're going to drink. And then I got her back

for five years. I'd say, Terry, if she didn't leave. I'm drinking and I'll

and it had nothing to do with her. Absolutely nothing to do with her

and everything to do with my sickness. But I was so busy in A and having a ball, I came to believe in a A by living like I would, I believed it would work. In other words, I rolled up my sleeve and I became you. I got a fellowship

and then this this spot C comes to me one day and he says I want to do a step three. And I thought, no problem, my wife's working Thursday night and I was back in my house by then.

Just come over Thursday night and we'll do a step three. And I went home on a panic. I didn't want to tell my sponsor. I didn't know anything about it. So I looked it up and it's right after how it works. And for me, that was where the program of recovery started was after AB and C, because the next line in that it says being convinced, we were now at step three. Being convinced of what? And that's what we discussed, what we were convinced of. And then we got on our knees. And by purely by mistake and by the grace of God,

I did my first real step three. And doing it with another human being turned out to be one of the most powerful things in starting my road to recovery. Because it was no longer a secret that I was getting sober. No longer a secret at all. As a matter of fact, now I had to look good to this Jackass or he was going to pass me.

My first run at step four was brutal because it to me it was a grocery list. OK, if I do this, this and this, I'll be wonderful. You know, I won't have to wait till February to walk on the water. I'll be good.

And, and it wasn't that at all. And to make that step spiritual, there was a real, there's a real sneaky way about forgiveness in there. It suggested that I look at the people that had hurt me on my resentment list and come to see them as being perhaps spiritually sick, perhaps sneaky. When I prayed for them, I didn't realize what I was doing, but I was offering them their humanity. I was allowing them to be sick people and when they were sick people,

I woke up one day and I didn't feel so bad about me. And I was able to be a hell of a lot more honest about some of that, some of the secrets. And I was able to get a lot of the secrets out the first go around and then got them all out the second go round and then six and seven. I got careful and at one point, and that's not what it says,

doesn't say make a decision to get really careful and drive everyone crazy

and pretend you're wonderful. It doesn't say that at all.

What it was was an invitation for me to trust God and get on with a business of living and start living instead of existing and and looking over my own shoulder. And what an amazing journey that's been. There's only one thing I suffer from in my program today and that's not trusting God. Old CC used to tell a joke and I'll, I love Irish jokes. And the joke is about,

the joke is about a rabbi and a priest. And it's not dirty.

And they're sitting beside the boxing ring, and there's a little Jewish guy and a little Irish Catholic boy in there about to box and a priest in the in the rabbi are sitting there with their arms folded, looking at each other sideway when the Catholic boy drops to one knee and he crosses himself.

And the rabbi says to the priest, he says, so what's with that? What does that mean? The old Irish priest says not a bloody thing if he can't fight.

And in step 7, if I don't trust God,

doesn't matter how much I think I can change me or how much I want to change me, I got to trust God to get on with the business of living. And I got to get out there and dance like nobody's watching. I don't dance girls. And but I got to get on with that, you know, I really got to step out there and, and make it my life and trust God and and step 8:00 and 9:00, what miracles that is. You know, when I got a list and I looked at it and I talked to my sponsor about it,

there are people there I could never say anything to. I thought because I would cause a hell of a lot more damage than I do good, a hell of a lot more. And So what I discovered was, was that I needed to take a deep breath in step 8:00 so that when I did look at step 9:00, I could do it with some sort of confidence and some sort of caring and not do it just to make me feel better. And the toughest step nine in the in the world for me was my father because my father was still drinking.

Now, my dad was one hell of a guy. He was the funniest man I ever met. He used to say to me, he'd say his son, we really love you. But you know, you had an older sister that was cerebral palsy. Please understand we love you. But buddy, you were strained through rubber. You know, he he had a strange sense of humor, but he was the funniest man I ever knew and a really warm hearted guy. But he was drunk and I didn't know how to, I didn't know how to make amends to him. And one night he called me and he said, he said, son, I think I'm going to die. He says

liver shut down and I'm swelling up with fluid. And I went to my meeting and I said to my sponsor, I said, Terry,

I don't know what to do. I think he's gonna die. And I didn't make amends to my mum 'cause I was still drinking when she died. And I know how empty that feels. What do I do about that? And he said, you know what, sponsors give you those big long speeches, right? He said I don't know, he'll be dead for a long time.

So I went home from my Home group at 9:30 at night. I said to my wife, we have the money, I have the time, I want to go see my daddy before he dies.

And twice I brought my dad from London, ON out to Edmonton and I took him to the Camel Club.

Now my dad didn't get sober, you know, and but an interesting thing happened. I shared my story with him and I shared it all. I let him know exactly who I really was. By then I'd done a Step 5. So none of that stuff scared me anymore. That's, that's the real joy. I could share them once I was not afraid of it anymore. And what happened was my dad. My dad felt comfortable enough when he understood I wasn't there to save him anymore

and I'd stop trying to save him. And he shared his story with me. And here was a guy who whose father had one arm. He had six brothers and two sisters. They lived through the Depression and my father had two full time jobs in the direction. He went into the Second World War as a wireless air gunner and had a horrible job in the war. He bombed the Portuguese fishing fleet because there might have been submarines under it. Had nightmares all his life.

I was an amateur as a drunk compared to my dad. I had nothing going on in my life

and I came to understand my real truth. And you know when all the all the what ifs and the yeah butts and the and all that bad history is all cleaned up? Things I cling to today are the gifts my dad had and the gifts my dad was able to give me.

And step 12 is a

11 and 12 are a whole different new new way of life. Step, Step 11.

I was I was the kind of guy I get up in the morning. I hit the alarm clock about four times. That little button an alcoholic designed that I'm convinced because I'd be 20 minutes late. I'd run through a scalding shower, I'd get my car. I'd be driving through traffic, waving at all my new friends with one finger.

You're number one. Yeah. And, and I, and I get to work 20 minutes late

and knowing that today was the day I was going to be fired because I wasn't performing my job right. You know, that's, that's what I brought from A and I was sober like that.

Prayer meditation is a time for me to catch my breath and start over.

Working with others has been not working. If there's one thing in the big book, if I had the power to change, would we take the word working out? Because it's been the greatest joy.

And to get to that tell you that, I'm going to have to tell you a bit about my family life. And this is my favorite part of my talk. I married Irish Catholic and the family thought there was something wrong with me

so she got smarter and prettier after I got sober.

She did. There's no question my mind. She was damn near as pretty as when I married her. She might have had a little baggage and we'll get through that right? So we started trying to have a family. My my wife is a nurse. She's a labor and delivery nurse so she knows about that stuff. So after about 3 hours of not getting pregnant,

I learned all about not wearing tight jeans, not sitting in hot bathtubs, alarm clocks, calendars, thermometers, midnight performances.

And when we still didn't get pregnant,

we had a heart to heart talk and we decided that maybe we could adopt.

So I went to my spots and I said, there's a social worker coming into my house. This is right around step three time. And I said, do I tell them I'm in a?

Do I risk everything and tell the social worker that I'm in A

and he gave me one of those long sponsor speeches? He says. I don't know, Rick, what's the right thing to do?

He never told me what to do. He was, he was a strongman, you know, he, he resisted that temptation. And so I went home. I brought an old fart, you know,

and I got home and the night the social worker came over with her oversized purse and her pads and her pens and she gets all settled in. And I, I walked in the living room and I said I'm an AA, would you like a cup of tea? And I ran in the other room and.

Three weeks later, I'm sitting at the last Drips desk. My office phone goes off and the woman says hello, my name is Elaine R, she said her last name, she says. She says I am not your social worker, I am the department head. I understand you think you want to adopt.

And then she paused and it seemed like 3 days might have been 30 seconds. I don't know. She would played with me for sure because the next thing that came out of her mouth was she says that an adoptive couple. We think you're great. And I really liked what you said Saturday night at the Camel Club,

and I thought, and you'd think I'd invented God for about a month, you know?

Oh, yeah, He was on my team.

And a short time later, my wife and I went into this, this private adoption thing and we brought home a beautiful son, you know, and, and I was terrified. I didn't know how to be a dad. I didn't know how to be a husband, for God sakes.

And I just wanted to be the guy on the other side of the table, right?

And now I learned all about diapers and all that stuff. And, and I didn't know anything about that. I was, I was working as a sponsor by then. And what I discovered, one of the great truths in a A is, is there's no real right and wrong in a A No offense if you think you've got it fixed, you know,

but there sure are a hell of a lot of examples, examples of what to do in examples of what not to do. And you got to pay attention to both because they're all real important to you as you go along. Anyways, this kid started growing up and the next thing you know, the phone rings. The adoption agency says we've got a beautiful little girl for you. We brought her home. We named her Sarah. Her due date was January 28th,

1992

and she came home and in Canada, birth mother has 10 days to change her mind. Six days later the phone rang

and we gave Sarah back and I never forget that day because I was standing at my customers desk and I my beeper went off. I had a beeper then. Cell phones were too big to carry, cords were too long. And