The Mark Houston Recovery Center in Austin, TX

I can't wait to hear what you're gonna say. So without any without any further ado, I wanna introduce KDT.

Hi everyone, I'm Katie. I am a recovered alcoholic. Nice to see the room full. Nice to see the women

on for you guys there,

you know? Yeah, I know. You'd appreciate that, Patrick. Bring all your friends.

You know, I've had the privilege of speaking out there before and it was during a really bad storm and I was the only Gale here, and that was actually delightful. So

it's quite an ego boost to me. Trust me to speak at a men's recovery center.

I, I've had the gift of sobriety since October 28th of 1984. That is four months longer than Mr. Parker and that wasn't a part. Well, it, it has been and still is very important to me to keep that little bit of time on him. You know, I'll tell you guys, one of the, one of the greatest gifts about Alcoholics Anonymous in the 12 steps is that

the, the program of recovery, which is our 12 steps have given me

an opportunity to get in touch with the power that gave me a new life. And that is what I want to talk about. I, I'll talk a little bit about my drinking, but you know, more than anything,

my drinking, I was the youngest of three. I was born in the 50s. I'm, I'm 50 years old. I was born in 58. I was the youngest of three. I love my brothers and sisters, but you know, I'll tell you it's it, how many are the, how many are the babies in here? So the word torture is familiar to you.

Torture is what happens to the baby. I mean, they all pick on you. They tease you. And you know, at least my experience was, is that I came into this world fight. I was to fight the kid and I always have been. I still am. I left home at a very young age. I left home at 15 and never went back and finished high school. And you know, I I was, I was driven. A lot of people say from the podium that they never felt like they fit in. That was not my experience. I wanted to stand out. I mean, I was loud. I

obnoxious and I was loved by tons of people. I was voted most favored in school. The principal called me in his office when I was really screwing up, although I was at every principal's office, but his particular office. He would say things to me like why it's your car not at home. And I said, well, I don't live there anymore, you know, and he's like,

why is your car not at home? And it's like, Mr. Phillips, I don't live there anymore. I can't live under the rules of my parents and I can't do this deal. And, and he goes, I'll tell you what, you don't quit school and we'll do this thing together. And, you know, it was it was remarkable. It was I was given a tremendous amount of breaks as a kid. It's a different day and age now, but I was given a lot of breaks. You know, there was now it's actually against the law to

kick your kids out. You know that. I learned that because I kicked my son out

and I was shocked when I was in court that that was against the law. And of course they had Z snapping. You know, woman that I am, but

but one of the things that happened early on in my childhood that that has that I have really, really carried into, you know, one of the things I didn't understand about alcoholism.

And this is all retrospect, right? I mean, this is not what it was like out there using and drinking. I mean, this is all retrospective. Somebody offers you this and you start going, Oh my gosh, So that oh, and that, oh, you know, it's not like what I was doing it. I knew what I was doing was burning it down, but I really didn't think there was anything terribly wrong in that. You know, I mean, as long as I got away with it, I was a liar, a cheat, You know, I. I

deal anything. It wasn't locked down, you know, I mean, that was just the way it was as long as you didn't get caught. But until long as a kid, my sister and brother torturing the crap out of me and they're, you know, they love to tease the crap out of me and I still hate to be teased to this day. And I, I I must have a huge tease me, but because men love to tease the shit out of me, they really do. And, and it makes me crazy and,

and one of the things is, is that when I was nine years old, my mother got very, very ill and

end up passing away. And it was really sad because we were, you know, upper middle America and one thing leads to another and the next thing I know, she's sick and the next day she is dead. And back then, this was in the 60s, you know, kids weren't allowed in the hospitals. I mean, it's, it was very, very different back then. Kids weren't allowed in the hospitals. And we had to go see her. And it was very bizarre. And then that, you know, we're little do I know, we're saying goodbye and we come back to the house and dad says the next day, your mother died. And six weeks later, he moved another woman in and this other woman

had two kids and one was younger than me. That's that's a problem. And especially being a girl, you know, girls are girls are heavily emotional, especially young. And well, we never quit, but definitely young. So when this woman moved in, showing lasted a weekend

and then they were gone and, and I'm thinking, I don't really quite know what's going on. Well, then three months later, another woman comes in and you know, my dad was clearly a player.

Think about that for a minute. You're like, but you must have been because, you know, he he landed beautiful women. He was an ex football player, great for the Steelers and and he was a little, he was the center. So he's just this solid little guy, you know, and our house was just constantly a party house

and that's what we did. I mean, we grew up on alcohol, alcohol. It was fun, fun, fun, fun, fun. And next woman he moved in was she was on the cover of Life magazine, beautiful gal. And she lasted about, you know, I guess maybe 2-3 months and then she's gone. And then, you know, then the next one, he moves in this beautiful brunette that's a model, you know, and she's got two kids that older and she ends up staying. And, and that was when I was just done. I was done with the rules. I didn't like anything that was going down and I left and I started drinking at about

probably 12. And you know, that's about all I need to say because really from that point on, drugs and alcohol were really my friend. I mean, they were my friend. I was into anything you got except needles. I didn't like needles. My brother did heroin. I got to experience that. And I, I, I remembered being very frightened of it. I did have one guy timing off one time and my brother walked in the room and you know, it was ugly. And it was really, really very fortunate for me because I never, never messed with needles, but I messed with everything else.

Also got sober before crack cocaine. So having said all of that, now I want to move forth because it's really important to know I've never done crack cocaine and I, I've really worked hard at trying to sponsor people who were crackheads. And I don't get it. I really, really don't get it. I love the way Mark says, you know, I did cocaine like crazy. I mean, I, I did cocaine to excess,

but I never went down the roads what crack cocaine does to you. So I, I, I have found it to be quite challenging to, to sponsor a crackhead,

nor do I ever want to try it to find out how to sponsor. Thank you very much. I mean, wow, you know, and there is actually, there's a handful of drugs I never did that. I am very, very grateful for. We'll just leave it at that.

But so I, so I'm too long, right. And you know, I, I'm, I'm young. I'm, I'm 15 years old. When I leave the house, I don't have a car. I'm getting to school on a bicycle. I finally buy a little car. I'm working my ass off because I'm strong willed little gal. I got an incredible work ethic. You know, you watching wax cars, you do whatever you got to do. You know, that was a you pull yourself up from your bootstraps. You know, you get out there. We were kids of the 50s and, you know, that was just the way it was.

And I get hooked up with this guy who is quite a bit older than I am. He's eight years older than I am. I end up living with him for four years and I get pregnant, we get married and we have this beautiful daughter and he is just, he's flaming alcoholic. He's got serious drinking problem. You know, we, we were terrible together and a lot of damage was done in that relationship. It never got physical, but boy, it was, it was everything, but it was a lot of emotional damage.

And so I've got this little girl and all of a sudden, you know, I'm dragging her through everything. I'm trying to run with the largest cocaine dealers I can find because I figured, you know, if you, if you land the dealers, then you are, you're set with as much cocaine as you need. And that was pretty much my goal. And I was talking to some guys earlier, Bob and his buddy. I said, you know, that was the lesson in life. I learned I can get anything I want.

I can get anything I want and it almost killed me because it was just a matter of, you know, figuring it out, figuring it out, figuring out. And I don't know about you guys, but that is one of the things that is damn near kills me

today in sobriety is because I thought all of this stuff was why I was alcoholic. All because my mother died, my father remarried and all these people moving in and yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda. And when I finally come into this program, I realized that alcoholism is a physical allergy and a mental obsession. And I'm thinking, well, I mean, that might be for some of you guys in the room, but you know, I mean, I, I got, I just got serious problems. If you can just get me off the cocaine

they all of all is fine. Don't be touching my alcohol. That's I got no idea. No thank you. I'm loving the alcohol raising that family where alcohol fluid.

No, thank you. Well, this chick said something to me. She said two things actually. She said when when you drink alcohol, you feel in control. When the non alcoholic drinks alcohol, they feel out of control. Now, I don't know about you guys, but you know what, when you're one day sober, that's I need to get that simple. You know, it's a physical allergy and a mental obsession. And what happens with that physical allergy is it kicks in the other physical energy. Once enough thousand energy at mental obsession, you got to reboot it, you know, and you're like on

you know, I just want you guys to kind of help me here. OK, you know I mean we we tend to lose sight what the new guy can hear. You know the new guys just thinking I love Earl hyper does that whole thing was like lady keys down, lay the keys down. Okay, guy in the red jacket, red jacket, red jacket over there. Okay, okay, you're saying something saying I don't know what they're saying. OK, OK, OK, you know the new guy so hands about ready to blow off. I mean, you guys remember your first meeting

words spoken in your first meeting? No, I remember sitting there thinking the guy next to me was cute. I do remember that.

That is a cute guy next to me. I mean, I don't know, I was like, I came in, I came in in Halloween, October 28th and I was dressed as Tina Turner the night before. And that is our that is a whole nother story. I have not showered or anything. And I had the gold hair. You got to kind of keep in mind it was the 80s and that thing was towering to the left, you know? And

when they asked at the meeting if anybody was new, I kid you not, the room went like this.

But I really do want to Fast forward to recovery because that to me is the greatest gift in the whole wide world. Guys, I had to learn. I had to learn how to do it all over. And I am still learning today. And I don't know about y'all, but man, I am loaded with pride. I am loaded with pride and ego.

I mean, and even, you know, Charlie will say, you know, since Marxist sponsor of well, I'd like to know if I have the path of consideration

and I'm thinking

consideration right now, you know, and, and the truth is, is he's right on the money with what he's saying. But I am like, I don't want to hear it, you know, and and that's, that is my, my, my default setting in life was screw you. It always was. Don't tell me anything. Don't do I my pride just kills me. But one of the things I wanted to say is when I'm too long, I get sober. I I have actually the guy that was sitting to my right was so darn cute. We end up getting married

and

just anything you want and I'm a pretty convincing little GAIL and he had six years sober and I had 10 minutes and the deal worked and it was a bumpy Rd. though let me tell you, it was a very, very bumpy Rd. I don't recommend it. However, I won't discourage it either. You know, if you get me as your sponsor, I won't discourage it because the boat tells me on page 69, I don't get to really tell you. I can get you in touch with power greater than yourself that can give you some direction,

but I don't know who's best for you, who's not. And I'm very, very grateful at that time that somebody didn't because we were married 20 years until he passed away. And,

and but we did all, we had a heck of a rose and and he was a big book thumping fool. And now another thing that happened to me is I cheated all the way through school,

graduated by God, I couldn't understand people dropping out of school. Now you got to keep in mind it was the, you know, the late 60s, early 70s. And it was like, why would you work this hard to get this far to drop out? It was mainly the boys. The boys were dropping out like flies. And, you know, they had to wear a wig to school. Remember all that, you know, remember the two paper joints? And you know, those were the tapes, weren't they? But so, you know, they were were,

you know, I I just thought I don't get it, you guys. I mean, I I've got I can graduate from high school. I'm walking down that thing. I am going to have some success here. You know, like I said, I'm very driven gal and

but I cheated all the way through school. And I'm not talking mildly cheated.

I broke into school to change papers, figured out that I could get people to pay me to do it so I could buy my pot because, you know, you could steal beer from, you know, alcohol from mom and dad. As a matter of fact, I don't drink beer. I mean, we had so much hard liquor and but I put the pot, I needed money for pot. And so, you know, I I got I'd say, look, you know, I know a way that I could change her. Great, because back then there was no computers or anything. It was all done in pencil and a little Gray book and I had people just shoveling money at me

and oh, so I always knew I was an entrepreneur. You know, I've been self-employed for 626 years. I've done very well there too. And but so when they when I came in broken, they hand me a book

that was bad news. That was bad news, man, I don't read well, I don't I can read, but I can't comprehend. Does anyone know what I'm saying? You know, somebody says we'll read, you know, this chapter and you're like, after a page, I don't understand a word. I just read, you know, I can't even stay focused. And so that was not good news.

The other bad news was that I was going to have to have a spiritual experience. That was bad news. So I'm sitting there in that meeting thinking,

well, we'll just see what happens. We like this guy. He's very cute and we'll just get him to be God. And that work great. And, and it really did work well. And it worked well for some time. So we he read me the big book and I did get a sponsor and, and again, he Oh yeah, we read the book together.

And, you know, it's so funny when we get together in a a, you know, isn't it funny to watch them get together in a a Oh boy.

So what do they call it? The, the mental health is where we're coming in to pick our soul mate.

So we, we get together. I got a 5 year old daughter who is crazy in love with this guy. He moves in and he, it's like, you know, what do you want to be when you grow up? Or are you going to get a job, you know, at some point? And I'm still doing my career, which has been in fitness. It always has been. And, and he's not getting a job. He finally gets a job and and the next thing you know,

were given tons of gifts in this program. And this was my story. My story is that at three years sober, the gifts were so incredibly good in a a that I took a turn, you know where it says we stood? We, we stood at the turning point. Either God was or he wasn't. We said he was. We'll go to church.

Now for me to even go to church was a big deal because, you know, I was raised Catholic. I didn't really have anything against the church. I just didn't like it. You know, it's just like what in the Hellfire brimstone? I just didn't like it. Well, he went to church. We went to this non denominational, you know, the band sound Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah. And and I thought this is kind of cool. We'll Needless to say, you know, I found Jesus and

it's scary for an alcoholic to find Jesus. Let me tell you, because I want everybody to find Jesus, just like I wanted everybody to find a A

So we found Jesus and I, I couldn't run Charlie off. You know, Charlie and I were best friends. We were like brother and sister. There was never any sexual nothing because that wasn't what I I didn't play that game. One of the greatest gifts I got early on and sobriety was integrity and that is a gift. Guys. That's one of the things I love about Mark Houstons place out here is you guys, you, you, you put on that you've got a lot of integrity. Personally, I think you do.

You may, you may do a lot of the boy play games, but you, you do come off with the tremendous amount of integrity and I love that.

I love that in life. I, I, you know, for us drums to to be to feel OK in our own skin anywhere, anywhere is a gift that only God can give you. So we, we took off into the church thing for about three years. I'm about 3, three to five years sober and with Joe and he's, you know,

15 years, whatever, six years more than me always 11 years. And we start getting crazy, really crazy. And all of a sudden, man, this deal is not working anymore. We'll resent the crap out of church. You know, it is none of it's working. And we used to say we were knee deep in church and that was going on Sunday. We were we were big and bond, we go on Sunday.

We would think we were, you know, going for lunches and you know, camp outs and the revivals and we were just going on Sunday. But that was big.

And you can see pictures of us and it was scary. I mean, we looked like,

well, we just looked perfect. We looked Christian

and

it was, I have those pictures and I look at them and I just think,

God, you know, we Alcoholics are chameleons, you know what I mean? I mean, we don't even know we suffer from the disease of delusion that I don't even know I'm in it, you know, and without somebody there, that's bad news, guys, bad news. So when we get through the Christian days, I'm saying that I am sitting there. I still love Jesus today. But you know, that's about as far as that goes. And we're I'm sitting at a red light. This woman is not taking a ride on red. And now I'm about to if I'm about to.

Traffic, you know, and, and it was, it was insane. And Joe and I talked and we both said we got to go back to a A and we went back in and Ed Hasbrook was speaking and Oh my God, he was. I just leaned on and said we're home.

But what happened at that point was now we're about 7 to 8-9 years. For me, Joseph, you know, 17, what we realized happened, and this is once again hindsight. Everything is hindsight.

You do realize that everything is hindsight. I don't know the future. I know the past and I can learn from the past. Is that

we came back into AAA and the one thing I noticed that was bizarre was a lot of chanting. A lot of that God could would if he were sought chanting and, you know, keep coming back to works. If you work because you're working, you work and you're busy with him.

Just want to do the hokey pokey, you know, is this summer camp or what? And then the other thing I noticed was was everybody started shaking hands and there was no hush then no hugging. And I thought, what is a pillow? It's very nice to meet you.

And people say, well, it's because some of the men were predators.

We've convinced you that you're trying to have

very

moving on. So,

you know, so one of the things that I, that I, so Joe and I, you know, we didn't know this, but we at that point realized

that we were missing meetings. That's what it was. It was meetings. Never ever did it occur to us that it was the book. He was a big book thumping fool. I mean, big bump and crud out again, a meeting. We never opened the book, nothing. We he read a lot of Bible and we went to meetings. And I'm telling you that is the first thing in the world that if you think 8A meetings are are a solution for alcoholism, you are missing the boat. That does not say don't go

meetings. As a matter of fact, I never even said don't go to meetings. I said, if you're using meetings to treat alcoholism, it'll work right up to the point you drink and you'll what happened? What's the first thing somebody says when you're hurting? Go to a meeting. It's like, no, pick up the book.

See, this is this is the spiritual guide. They'll help you. We miss that. Now it was no one's fault. We missed that. I'm just telling you my experience. So and this book is really of no avail without somebody teaching it to me. But hey, man, it's a better beginning than going to a meeting, right, Especially in open discussion meeting in this day and age. You know, it is. So how was your day? And and you know, I'm sorry, but you know,

I almost died sitting in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was no one's fault. I am never, ever blaming anybody,

but if I can tell you today that these rooms are full of untreated alcoholism. They are full of untreated alcoholism. And us guys that have got a lot of time are dying because we're not going to be here for the new guy. You know, it says the new guys the most important. I go on. Hell no. We don't take care of the old guy. There's not going to be anybody for the new guy. It's going to be treatment. You know, treatment again is no, no direct, no, no recovery for alcoholism.

I mean, how many people have been in treatment, never touched the steps?

Oh, you know, I can just get on such a bandwagon. So. And trust me, I well, I got 34 minutes. I just might. So. But I'm here to tell you now. Now, here's the tricky part, guys. The tricky part is you won't even know you're in it. Here's my finger, Mary Jo. You won't even know you're in it. OK, So don't think. Well, that's not going to happen to me. And not not no, no, no. I'm deep on this. On that note, you won't even know.

That's what delusion means. So you don't even know you're in it. I didn't know I was in it. I didn't know that the meetings weren't going to do it. You know, and and another thing that makes me crazy in this program, and I know I'm sitting in full in a room full of people who have chronic relapse. I could not have chronic relapse. So I am speaking out of an experience I do not know, but I can tell you from an experience of someone who did not relapse. You don't have to relapse to get it. OK, That is bullshit that you know why? That's

because I think you feel so goddamn guilty and full of shame and that's all I can assume. That's an assumption on my part. But I do have to tell you I ran into this chick yesterday. I do a lot of work if one of the treatment centers and this group saw me and she was all excited to see me at the grocery store, you know, and I, I said, how you doing?

And she said, I'm doing good. You know what, when I left, I, I went out one more time and I had to, I just had to, Oh, great spaghetti aisle, you know, and, and I go and you know, that's when you kind of move in because you're like going, holy crap. You know, we're in the grocery store here, you know, and, and and you know you new guys in recovery, you got, you talk loud, you talk loud,

you know, and, and she, she goes, no, I have to, I had to, you know, almost die

and, and she's going on and on and on. And she said that was when I saw the light and I thought y'all died, you know. No, that's not how my God works. You don't almost have to die to get it.

You die, almost die because you're full of self will. It's that simple. Says it all in the book. You got self will or God's will. You know, he's throwing you 110 life rafts and you're just swimming up straight. Don't need that one. No, no, no. I'll just, I'll go this way. And so by the time she finished, I said she got. So

I saw the light, I realized it and it's you got a sponsor and she goes

to be working the steps. Well, I said, well, let me tell you that your death experience you had will not hold you. The book says you won't be able to remember a week or a month ago the pain and suffering. You all remember that you were laying there almost dying. See, that's delusion guys. That's what delusion is. It's not denial. The vote never speaks of denial. It's all delusion. So and then by not to mention chip way too much perfume on.

At one point I thought, oh, for God sakes, work the steps and cut back on some of that perfume dog.

Hey, we got to start with baby steps. You know what I'm saying? Baby stitch, baby stitch. So one of the things is, is that, that when I, when I got back, OK, so here comes the perfect storm. So I'm, I'm knee deep and untreated alcoholism. Now, once again, you can, you can rock on untreated alcoholism for a long time.

I mean a long time up until you drink. And what will usually happen is if this has been my experience of watching it and also my experiences that you have, say you're too long, you're just doing meetings, you don't sponsor anybody. You got, you know, you got some of the gifts going on, yada, yada, yada, life sucks. But you know, today this is this is what I said to myself, I don't want to drink and use today. So I'm not like I've got some power there.

I mean, God removed the drinking and drug problem. I got the gifts of sobriety backup, big boy. That's all I wanted was power. Now I just want to go through life without the drugs and alcohol because that's my problem. Even though the book says it's not my problem. You know what my problem is? Page 62. It says selfish and self-centered. That we think is the root of our troubles driven by 100 forms of fear of self delusion, self seeking, self pity. See if I had that every day

and that was the problem was I just have to figure out how to go at it again. My default setting with the problem is. How can I fix this?

Give me a little bit of time. I'll fix. Sounds good. If I can get anything I want in life. And then with it, when it really gets better, I go. OK, big boy, come on, back in. Come on, come on, come on. OK, I'll hit my knees.

Really getting bad here. God give me direction. And also nothing. Got an idea

There it is that's all I needed think you know because I all I do my default setting is fixed it. How many of you guys know what I mean? If you if you don't have enough money in the bank,

I'm not bringing garbage. It could take forever.

I'm going to sit here and figure out what I can sell, who I can ask. And then it says that we step on the toes of our felons. They retaliate seeming without provocation because they're done with us.

They are so done with us and we keep going back for the same old sable. Maybe you have an enabler in your life. And so once again, and you know, that's the worst thing in the world for an Alcoholics and enabler. And and I do want to say you need to stop. Yes, you got an enabler. You need to stop. Don't expect them to stop. They're as sick as we are. You know, they keep throwing money at us and whatever else, you know, and, and one of the things guys that for the new guy and and this is this is a this is

clearly

an observation on my part. You don't know what's best for you. You don't know what direction to take and you don't really have a God of your understanding enough to make those big decisions. That's why everything must be run past your sponsor, no matter how small or stupid,

right? Everything. When I hit that spot in in recovery, which I meant to say when I was in untreated alcoholism, all it was going to take was the root canal or I needed surgery for my knee. And then they you have to have some Vicodin. Absolutely.

How much Vicodin can you give me? Right. And then the next thing you know, I'm off on pills and then I'm drinking again because see, I got the the spiritual malady is eaten my lunch. I'm shoving sex in it. I'm shoving kids in it, I'm shoving work in it. I'm shoving everything I can shove in it

and then all of a sudden you give me that dope

who? That's what I was looking for. That's that restless servant discontent, right? And then the next thing you know, somebody goes, what happened? I mean, wouldn't it wouldn't it really just shock the Dickens out of you guys if you heard Charlie or I slipped? Absolutely. Are we capable of that? You bet. You bet. You know, I'm telling you what, we've been given a second chance in this program. And I tell my sponsor, the minute you see me off the beam,

you ride my ass, Man, I don't even want to get close to that edge ever again. You know, I have given her the okay. I've given actually a handful of people the okay, you know, And I when you come at me, I'm going to, I'm going to be fighting you too. You know what I mean? I'm not going to go. You're right. Oh yeah, wow, okay,

no, I'm going to be fighting all the way. But one of the things guys, is we've got I love this line in the book. It's on page, it's on page 20 and I know I'm skipping all that place, but I don't care. You getting plenty out of it, you know,

I mean, you can skip all over the best of beauty of spiritual literature. You can just go all over the place. You're like, well, like that one like that. I'm not sure about that. I like

so page 20 it says, and this is page 20. This is before you've really done anything other than the fact that you've kind of looked at the fact that that

rest of cerebral and discontent. Some doctor has an opinion about something

it says. It says our very lives as ex problem drinkers depends upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. Is that even where you are today? I mean, I'm going to 1st order that. Oh shut up.

This is all about me being a better person and seeing what I can bring to the world.

Me, right? There's like, the constant thought of others. It's not my default seven guys. It is I am my default setting. I mean, how many of you guys see something and, you know, in a line and you go, oh, man, there's five people ahead of me and that ain't going to be there. And they've got to figure out how to get in front of them. OK,

there's enough for me now. I mean, all I think about is me, you know what I'm saying?

I mean, you guys know that feeling when you, when you're in that complete surrender, which I don't know how to get you there. Honestly, I don't know how I get there because I know that. I mean, I have to be bludgeoned

and laying in, as my sponsor says, in the fetal position, pulling my eyelashes out before I go. I'm done. I've done. I can't take any more pain. And that doesn't mean alcohol and drugs. That can be a relationship, that can be money, that can be the kids, It can be anything. I have to be beat into submission of pain that is unbearable. And then I'm at a surrender until I get a little control.

But I don't need God anymore and I don't even know I'm doing this right. See, that's that's the part that gets me is you know, when somebody comes, you wouldn't call your sponsor with the same thing.

After a year, you're like, God's not listening to me, but you know what that's about God. So listening to you, he says, I can't do anything because you aren't at a surrender. I go, what the heck does that look like? And he goes change.

That means you might have to stop looking at the poor. That means you might have to quit spending the money. I know that always feels good in the men's meeting and you guys seem to like it more than we wouldn't do. But Jacobs both ways. And

it means you got to stop spending your money

if you have a financial problem. That means you have to show up when you don't want to show up. OK,

see that's why God's not answering that prayers because you're not giving. It's a dry call it the drunk prayer. You know how many of y'all remember the drunk prayer?

Just just get me through the day, I'll be fine. Well, that same prayer is the prayer I pray,

and I'm not willing to give it up. I'm not willing to change. Just get me through this hurt and I'll fix it.

Then I'll get there. And that is what really, really eats my lunch today. OK, so I'm going to move on. So the constant thought of others, just keep that in the back of your mind.

OK. I love this line. This is, you know, this is all the third step. The third step is I love the 12:00 and 12:00. And it's the book that when you've got longer sobriety, you really, you really personally, I don't think you should touch it till you got a few years of sobriety. The basic text is what you should always, always work at it. But I love the 12:00 and 12:00.

Why I got to say that stupid line is to keep some of you off my back. But

the the first requirement is that we be convinced that any light run on self will can hardly be a success. Well, I don't know about you guys, but that is all I ran on

self Will. I mean all that's all I ever did with self will. I can see I can climb the highest mountain in business. How many of you guys have done incredibly well in sobriety? You, you, you reach the pinnacle. It's like this is kind of boring. Okay, let's just my sponsor says this. Let's just

throw a grenade and really caused some trouble you know and and she goes you know Katie, when things go great for you, you throw that grenade just to stir it up.

I don't even know I'm doing it because I suffer from a disease of delusion. I don't even know how to do success self-centered fears all good, all bad. I'm afraid of getting the guy I'm afraid of not getting a guy I'm afraid of getting the job. I'm afraid of not getting a job. It's everything self-centered fear is in the seventh step in the 12:00 and 12:00. It's a beautifully explained. So it says that the first requirements that we'd be convinced that any life on self will can hardly be a success on that basis, almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives

of the books telling me I can't even trust my motives all so that means I got to live on principles. I know what you guys have here. Principles are beaten to you. They're principles of integrity. You're a person of your word. You don't lie, you don't cheat, you don't steal. That's how that's the that's the basic what we got to start out with. And if we don't watch it still, we think we're doing pretty damn good when we jump in our car without car insurance,

we don't have a inspection sticker on our car. At least I'm not lying, cheating and stealing.

You know what I mean? And I mean what we try to what we try to push that edge and get away with is, is the part that that makes us crazy, that eats our lunch and that's what brings us back to the drink. So we come back over here and I love this part. You know, it says and it's talking about what usually happens here is that I go into angry, indignant and self pity when I wait on. You might be a little bit at fault,

but you're not. I'm not completely at fault here. So I'm going to get angry and then indignant. Is that that part where you know what? I look what I've done? I've done plenty for you people.

Look what I've done. I mean, anybody that would leave this recovery center out of here would be living in 60 to 63,

right? And I mean, you could, you could make a case for it. You could make a case for walking out of a, a that a, a treated you wrong, wrong. And one of the things that we tend to do that is that is the part of the delusion of this disease is the line word says they may be somewhat at fault.

But surely, you know, excuse me, I may be somewhat at fault, but surely they are to blame. See if you get anybody in AA cosine and that bullshit, man, run as fast as you can because that is going to throw you down. You have got to get somebody that says, whoa, let's try to figure out where did you set the ball rolling? Where did you place yourself in a position to be hurt? Let's try to figure out your part

Ten O 1 of anybody in this program to go. What a bitch. I don't blame you for hating her.

I hate her too, says Resentment's the number one offender. It'll kill me. And the way it kills me as I go back to use it, then I destroy everybody's life.

It's heartbreaking. It says, it says, is he not a victim of the delusion that you can rest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if you only manage well, see. And the word rest is is not REST. It's WREST, which means Violet Twister seized by force. I mean how many of you guys have just you know I always love it