Step 10 in Bernardsville, NJ

I'd like to introduce Curry, our speaker tonight. She's going to be talking on Step 10.

Hi, I'm Carrie. I'm an alcoholic.

First I really want to thank Mary. Doctor asked me to speak tonight. This group has been,

it was really instrumental in my recovery. When I first was introduced to the people in this room, I had an idea about what the steps were and I had read the big book and I'd gone to, you know, some Joe and Charlie workshops and they were great. But I, I, I knew the mechanics, but I didn't understand the spiritual principles

that were incorporated in the steps. So I knew how to write a four step, but I knew how to make amends. I knew how to do all those things. But I didn't really understand the depth of this program. And it was the people in this, in this room and the people who were in, in this meeting who taught me these things. So it is a privilege and a pleasure and an honor to be sitting at this table. I can't, you know, I can't express the amount of gratitude I have for this meeting.

And it's wonderful to be back here after so many years.

You know, I left this meeting and I went out and I lived my life and I, God has graced me with so many different things. And it's just so wonderful to be able to come back and say, look, you know, this is what this program gives you. You know, just real briefly about myself so that, you know, just so you can understand where I'm coming from. My sobriety date is September 6th, 1994. I'm 30 years old. I live in North Arlington, NJ. I have a sponsor,

her name is Kim.

I have a Home group and if the how and why of it group and I have you know, I work with women I sponsor and I'm very active in alcohol synonymous. I believe that it's extremely important.

I, I got sober very young and so, you know, I did a lot of my growing up in the work in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. So I had no idea how to live. I mean, I remember when I was talking about Step 10 with my sponsor

and I was like, I don't understand when this book talks about a vision of God's will for me, like, I don't understand what you're talking about. And she was like, well, you know, since you have no experience living how, but I'll tell you what you need to do and then we'll figure it out together. Because I didn't know how to pay bills. I didn't know about having a bank account. I didn't know about, I mean, that first time I went to get a bank account, I cried. I burst out crying because I didn't remember how to spell my mother's maiden name, You know, So I mean, like I've come a long way through the grace of God in this program.

So when I'm, when I think about Step 10, there have been different ways that I've done it over the years, different ways that I was told, different ways that my sponsors have taught me to do it. The way that I'm currently working Step 10 is much different than the way that I have in the past. It's a more hands-on, more accountable, more direct way. It's not in any way

better than any other way of doing it. It's just the way that works best for me because I'm extremely sick. I'm an extremely sick alcoholic and my ego rebuilds very, very quickly and I I do the work to not do the work. Have you ever heard that

I'm somebody? I look like I'm doing the work I'm sponsoring. I'm writing four steps and helping everybody. And meanwhile, I think I'm doing it because I'm special. Don't you know what I do? I save little children, you know. And meanwhile, like, you know, my ego becomes attached to that which I do in Alcoholics Anonymous, becomes attached to what I do in my life. And then all of a sudden, there's no more God. I'm God, and I'm relying entirely on self. I look like I'm doing all the right things and meanwhile I'm dying inside,

you know, so my sponsor has me do a more I like to call boot camp step 10. So that's what I'm going to share about. But I mean, mind you, this is my experience. So I'm not telling you that you have to do this. I'm just telling you what works for me. And when I have some, some of the women that I work with do not all the women that I work with do, do do 10 steps the way that I do it because they're not as sick as I am. So that would be that being said,

you know, we're, what I'm simply going to do is I'm going to take different parts of the 10 step. I'm going to break it down and talk about my experience with it.

So it says that, you know, what is Stephanie says, which suggested we continue to take our personal inventory and set right any mistakes as we go along. So I mean, that's already assuming bills, already assuming that I'm going to screw up and I'm going to because I'm an alcoholic, I'm human, I'm fallible, I have character defects and you know, and I fall short at all times. I mean, in any given day, you know, I'm going to screw somebody over. You know, the fact is, is that I'm more away to it today than I have been in the past.

You know, and I'm and I'm aware enough to be able to set right a lot of the wrongs that I'm doing in my life. Doesn't mean that I don't fall asleep to some of them or that I don't realize three or four days later that I really did something bad two days ago,

or to say three or four days later I did two days ago, get that one. But I mean, basically that I don't realize a couple days later after talking to my sponsor, that I've had a resentment that I've been nursing for a long time and just didn't want to look at it, you know, But I mean, the idea is that I'm going to, I'm going to stay current with my, with my spiritual life because anything that I let slip is the thing that's going to come between me and God,

you know, because The thing is, is this, at this point, there's nothing between me and that bottle but God.

And if I, if I fall short and I'm going to, but if I allow myself too much latitude with this step, I'm going to start thinking that I'm God again. And then I'm going to want to pick up that bottle or I'm going to do something very destructive, which will eventually bring me back to the bottom. Because in the end, what my sponsor taught me was that these steps are about me and the bottle and God, That it's not so much about you, but about me, the bottling God. Now, how I treat you has a lot to do with me, the bottling God,

but in the end, this is what it's all about, you know, And whether or not I drink again and serving God helps me not to do that or puts me in a position in which it's removed.

I so I commence this way of living as I clean up the past. That tells me that I start to do this when I start making, when I start writing inventory. There's some people who differ on that and I don't really argue with that. It's just I find that it's easier for me to, it was easier for me to do it this way and it's easier for the women that I work with to start, mate, start living the 10 step and reading pages 84 to 86 in their morning meditation

when they start writing their inventory. Because why do I want to make more garbage and havoc while I'm trying to clean it up and I'm trying to get a look at my causes and conditions. If I'm trying to see this, one of the best ways to do that is to watch it in my daily life.

You know, it says that we've entered the world of the spirit, that our our next function is grown, understanding, effectiveness. And that for me is like the crux of this stuff. It tells me exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. You know, when we talked about that art

through which we shall pass, the freedom that we're building, you know, in this step, in the steps, this archway is the world, is the entrance to the world of spirit. So this is telling me that when I do this, when I get to this point in my life, that or my recovery, I really need to have a relationship with God,

that this is where that relationship really comes into play. This is the daily work of this relationship. You know, up until this point, I was building the relationship and now it's present. It's a daily part of my life. It's part of who I am, part of how I live, you know, so I'm living in this world with the spirit. You know, it's not an abstract thing for me. It's not something that I do over there. It's something that's a part of who I am. We talked about earlier about a design for living and that's exactly what this is. You know, it says that my, my job is to grow an understanding and effectiveness. That's my job,

that's my like if I had a mission statement, if God said Carrie, here's your direction for the dead. That's my direction is to grow and understand it and effectiveness. You know, we talked about earlier since it talks about fitting myself to be a maximum service to God and others says that, you know, work and self sacrifice for others is you know, my sobriety or my absence from alcohol is dependent upon my work and self sacrifice to others. So what it's telling me here is my mission statement, my job for the day. My job from this point on is to grow an understanding, effectiveness.

I could better serve God and I better serve God by being kind to his children. I mean, this is my belief system. And again, this is what I'm taught, you know? So how do I do that? Well, I continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment of fear. I watch for them when they crop up. I ask God to remove them. I discuss them immediately with someone to make amends if I have harm to anyone. Now my sponsor has me do exactly that.

So today I had a bad day. I had a bad day. I had I had a day in which was which was very, very stressful.

It was a good day, but it was a stressful day. I stopped and I did about 5-10 steps today.

That for me is a bad day. That means that Carrie was getting disturbed. I had that thing in the pit of my stomach. My head was trying. I was thinking and looking around and I said stop

and I said OK, what's going on? I'm being selfish and being dishonest. How am I being selfish and dishonest?

OK, people aren't behaving the way I want them to. I'm delusional that I can have control over this in a playing God. So then I say God, please remove this from it. And then I pick up my cell phone. God bless cell phones. I pick up my cell phone, my sponsors on speed dial. Hi Kim, I'm being selfish. Do you have my you have time for a 10 step? Just a second. Sure. Hi, Kim. I'm being selfish.

So and so is not behaving the way I want them to. I'm dishonest because I'm delusional that I can have control over this situation. And I'm playing God. I ask God to remove it. I'm telling you,

is there anything I could do for you today? And she might say, well sure, I've attends that for you or do this. Or can you call so and so and then she says no, turn your attention. Or she might say turn your attention to someone else. I said, OK,

hang up the phone and I go do something nice for someone else. It's that simple, sounds kind of crazy. And it's like, wow, that's really drastic when I first got those instructions, almost.

I'm not calling you when I'm disturbed. I'm going to think about it. I might read some inventory on it. I'll call you later. I'll call you later,

you know, and I fought it. I didn't want to do it. And I was like, it was, it's really humbling to be disturbed over something really petty and to pick up your phone and say, look, I'm disturbed. You know, I'm being selfish. I'm being selfish in traffic. I'm being selfish in here. I'm being, you know how many times a day I pick up the phone and say I'm being selfish. So when I first started to do this, maybe I called 10 times a day. And I used to, I used to apologize. I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm calling you again. I'm very, very spiritually sick. And they laugh

and there's a handful of people that I call. I mean, I don't just call the same person. I call a handful of people. And they're people that I know. I said, look, can I call you with 10 steps?

Sure. You know, and I even speak, I even call my sponsees. I might be on the phone with a sponsee talking to them about their problems. And there's somebody who parked me in, in the parking lot. I say, can, can, can I do a ten step with you right now? I've sat I'm, I'm in college and I'm, I'm a brat and I, you know, I'm 30 years old and I'm in college with a bunch of people who are much younger than me. And I can, I can be very spiritually sick and I'm sitting there and somebody will answer their cell phone in class or I didn't get the grade I expected or

not lecturing to my standards. And I'll turn to the person next to me because it's kind of rude to pick up the phone. And I'll say, you know what? I'm being really judgmental and selfish and I'm being unfair to this, this professor. I'm being unfair to this person. I'm being really dishonest. You know, is there anything I could do for you? That's simple? And I tell you what, it changed my life. It used to be that I have to do that 10 times a day. Today was a bad day. I did it five times. I can go an entire day without having to pick up my phone because I'm

in the moment because I don't sit with this stuff. My nightly review, and I know that's going ahead. My nightly review is I did a ten step on this, this and this and this. There's very few things that I get to my nightly review that I haven't already talked about taking taken a look at ask God to remove. I get to the end of the day and I put my head on the pillow. I do that review and there's no, there's no, you know, churning in my head about the amends I have to make because I already did that all day long.

Now, mind you, there's stuff I missed and there are times when I'll be in denial about a resentment that I think I'm annoyed.

My sponsor says that being annoyed is like being pregnant. You know, you're not her just a little bit pregnant. You're never just a little bit annoyed. You're resentful. It's just a nice way of saying it, you know, so, I mean, there are times when I, I maybe don't do this as as rigorously and I pay for it, but I have to tell you, I've been doing it for two years and it changed my life. It changed the way that I practice step 10. It it, it changed my accountability. There's very few things I skate on. There's very few things I get away with. And my sponsor knows if I haven't called in two days and

you know, he's like, so why didn't call the 10 steps? You doing really good.

Really. OK, what about that? You know, weren't you, like, pissed off at your mother-in-law last week? Yeah. And what happened with that? And then all of a sudden, like, it's like, no, I'm lazy and I haven't been calling, you know, But the point is, is this is that I get held accountable to such a degree that that my sponsor can see when my ego is rebuilding when I can because I. How do I know what I don't know? You know, you I know you guys have heard that a million times. And I know you've heard, you know, there's a you know, it's been said 100 times, you know, you know, being asleep, dreaming that I'm awake now I'm. I'm

alcoholic and that happens to me. I fall asleep at the wheel all the time and I have to have a support network. I need to have people in my life in order to point that out to me. Now, God obviously works in my life and I, I am way more aware than I've ever been and I am way more present than I've ever been. And I walk through my day practicing the presence of God. But I tell you what

and my sponsor explained to me that following directions and this is this is what I do every day with this test step is really following directions. She explained it to me like this. I'm checking the time there

that, you know, God is a very abstract thing. When we, when I talk about God, we talk about God and we often talk about God. And like, you know, sort of philosophical terms, we talk about God and, you know, you know, sort of an abstract, you know, construction, you know, you know, we, we, we realize and we do this work long enough and God becomes a part of us in here. But when I speak about God, I'm speaking about God. I'm thinking about God

often. Often it's kind of hard to to just turn your will in your life and everything that you have and all your character defects, all your, all your shortcomings, all these things

over to a higher power and higher power that's even hard to wrap your mind around or describe.

But I tell you what to do it to a human being and proxy for a higher power is very freeing. And it sounds stupid. I mean, I just have to call somebody when I'm disturbed. That's simple. And it sounds kind of it's like, well, you know, is your sponsor? Is she really tough? And if I don't do it, do I get yelled at? No, I get love, you know, and I don't, it's not like I get beaten up if I don't do it. It's not like if I called seven times in one day, she gets annoyed because she doesn't cause half the time she 10 steps with me, you know, I'm calling her an hour later, she's calling me. So it's not like that, but

thing is, is this is that it's a symbolic thing. My surrender to my sponsor and my my willingness to make this phone call, my willingness to stay present in the moment, my willingness to be accountable on a minute to minute, day by day, second to second basis is somewhat symbolic of my willingness to do that with God. Now, if I'm willing to do that with a human being, for me, in my experience,

it makes it a little easier for me to do it with a higher power, that it sits somewhat abstract. And so I began to have this experience with God and such an intimate personal level,

you know, and it happened because I surrendered to the direction of a human being. And it was he. It was something, a direction that I thought was kind of silly

and I thought was sort of trivial. And I was like, well, I'm 12 years. So at the time I was 10 years old, ten years sober. Why do I have to do what a newcomer does? And I realized today why I had to do it, you know, And to me, it, it changed the way that I perceived step 10. Like I said, for me, it's, it's radical and it's different. And I'm not saying everybody in this room has to do it, but for me, it, it really did. It was very humbling.

It is very humbling. It is very humbling. But you know what I get? I get nothing but love and no judgment

and I get free and I tell you what, I pick up that phone and I tell her where I'm being. Selfish, self seeking, dishonest and frightened. I asked God to remove. I put down that phone and it's gone. There's no residue. It's gone. It's removed from me. Absolutely removed

and I go about my day and I'm clean.

I'm absolutely clean.

And how is that? How beautiful is that to be, you know, fighting with your husband, pausing, saying you know what, honey,

I gotta go make a phone call, come back 2 minutes later. So I'm sorry I was wrong and be full of love and have whatever resentment I had removed

because my big book tells me I can't wish away resentment any more than I can wish away my alcoholism. I have to surrender to a higher power. And that's why I go to God first and then I go to another human being. And by doing that, it removes it. And by the time I'm writing my nightly review, I'm not gnashing my teeth at all those people who screwed me over during the day.

I'm not even in that. I'm present in the moment

and I'm free of it and I get to go through my day being free of all the little things that used to Peck at me. Now, like I said, as I'm more spiritually sick than most and there's something that it was required for me to do because of that, because I couldn't, I couldn't not pick up that phone because I would, I would, I would wrap my mind around that resentment. I would inventory it out and I would take responsibility, but I'd still believe that you were more responsible

and I would call everybody up and be like, Can you believe what so and so did? This is in the spirit of the 10 step. I'm going to tell you their second column and then I'll tell you my 4th column acting like I took responsibility, but I really didn't because I just wanted to tell you how mean they were.

You know, I don't do that when I call it, when I call in my 10 step, you don't hear my second column. So and so isn't behaving the way I want them to. That's my second column. There's no so and so did this. Can you believe

there's none of that? It's they're not behaving the way I want them to. I'm being selfish. This is why. And I don't live in that second column. I don't even go there.

And that's why, you know, for me, you know it, it helps me not to get stuck in that group, not to dig a ditch, not to get caught in resentment and fear, you know, not to get caught in that selfishness. And for me, it's a tool. Is is my sponsor, my my higher power? No, but is doing this for me, helping me to get close to my higher power? Absolutely, absolutely. Because it's extremely humbling and I have to depend on the human being. It means that I have to be intimate with a human being every day. They hear

my trivial bullshit every day. And that intimacy is beautiful because I trust her and she trusts me.

And the few in the other people that I share this with, I trust them and they trust me and they call me with the same stuff.

And it really is an absolutely beautiful thing because they see my warts and all. They don't just hear inventory every couple months. They hear it every day. How petty I could be. And, and it's funny because some of the, what we call 10 step buddies, some of the people have paused and they like, you know, you're really petty. And I'm like, I know, I know. I'm so petty. It's, it's crap,

but I but I own that pettiness and I accept it and I ask God to remove it and they don't hide it because they don't have to, because regardless of where that where this goes or what this does, I'm a child of God.

And

you know, this book tells me that I understand on my feet that I'm not to be served either scraping. So it doesn't matter to me whether or not I have character defects or I fall short. If I'm selfish and self-centered, I'm going to. I'm an alcoholic. I'm just lucky I didn't drink today. But the fact is, is that I have a power that works in my life that has brought me a solution to my problem. And that solution helps me to live each day and help me to live clean and free of resentment and fear.

And that to me were the things that were tells me that that my bottle is just a symptom

that my problem is really me, says lack of power is my dilemma. And what that simply means is that I don't have the ability to be unselfish. I don't have the ability ability to be honest. I don't have the ability to put the things that I know to be morally right. I don't have the ability to do that in my life. But I have to have a power greater than myself come into my life and do that for me

means that I have to gain access to this power. I need to ask God to come into my life and to help me to do these things because I'm as powerless over my spiritual condition as I am over alcoholism.

So for me, asking people to help me to be accountable and be honest about my life because I'm a liar, naturally as an alcoholic helps me to do that.

You know, it goes on to say, and I stopped selling my my instant 10 step stuff. But I mean, like I said, it was radical, but it really did change me. It says that it says that we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help and that love and tolerance of others is my code. And again, that goes back to, you know, what my mission statement for this day is, is to be love and tolerant to others, to fit myself, to be of maximum service to God and others. It says that, you know, I'm supposed to grow my understanding effectiveness. And this is part of how I do that.

And it also tells me what, what will happen if I live by this basis. I, I mean, honestly, guys, I sit up here and I really do do what I say I'm doing.

And you can ask the people in my life because they've seen me do it. My kids laugh when I start to get irritated when they're misbehaving and I say, mommy needs a time out and I pull out my cell phone. They think it's the funniest thing in the world. And there are times when they'll stop me like, Mommy, did you do your time out? And I'm like, no, I got to go do it, you know, But my point is, is that, you know, I really do do this and I'm not lying about it. This isn't something that I say that I do what I do every once in a while. This is my daily life and this is what it looks like

and it sounds a little boring, but it actually really is fun.

Um, it says that if I do this, it says that I'll cease fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol, you know, and anything, you know, that's what I did my entire life because I fought alcohol. I fought you. I fought for everything that I thought that I wanted, you know, and I demanded that God give me what I thought that I wanted for myself. Because the fact is, is I thought that I was God and I thought I could dictate the terms. Now we, you know, we learned earlier in this book that I had to stop playing God and I have to stop thinking that I'm God. And then I have to start behaving like there is a God,

you know, not just say there's a God and they behave like I'm God because that doesn't count. But I actually have to do that. And once I start to do that and apply this to my life, this amazing thing happens. I cease fighting everything or anyone, even even alcohol. Alcohol is no longer an issue for men. You know, I can, I can honestly say that I have gone many years without thinking about alcohol being a solution to my problem, that alcohol is not a temptation for me, that I've been placed in a position in neutrality, that I'm safe and protected, that I recoil from the idea. And The thing is

neat thing is, is that I don't know about you, but out I'm

alcohol shows up for me in many different forms and it shows up in the form of a bottle. It shows up in the form of relationships. It shows up in the form of of sex. It shows up in the form of money. It shows up in the form of approval of ego, of material things. I don't know about you, but alcohol shows up for me and all those forms before it actually shows up as a bottle. So it's like a you know, I don't know. You guys have all heard about working the steps backwards. Well, it's the same idea that I pull out everything, all the human powers

before I picked up alcohol, and then I pull them out before I pick up alcohol and sobriety. So I pull out, you know, if only I lost five more pounds, I would be more spiritual and people would like me, you know, I pull out if only I had a little bit more money, you know, if I had a better car, I would be happier in my life. I start pulling out all those things, you know, And so when it says to me that I'll be seldom interested in liquor, if I'm tempted, I'll be recoiled. I'll recoil from a hot flame. My sponsor taught me that not only will it be liquor or alcohol is in the liquid, it

things that are symbolic of liquor in my life,

the isms.

And so when I get that idea like, well, if only I, you know, if I was just 5 lbs thinner, I'd be happier, you know, or if no, my husband, I love him very much. He's great, you know, but that guys hotter. When I start thinking like that, I recoil like from hot flame because that to me is alcohol. That's alcohol speaking in a whole wholly different form because what it wants me to do, it wants me to drink and it'll talk to me and it won't say hi Kerry, you want to walk into a bar First it says, Hey, Carrie, let's get spiritually sick. So walking to a bar looks good.

That's the way alcohol talks to me today. It comes at the from the flank. So when it says that I'll recoil from a hot flame, it means that I'll actually recoil from all this. All of the symbolic

versions of alcohol in my life all like the isn't. And that for me has been my experience that the things that alcohol represents or the things that bring me back to alcohol, I've become to be restored to sanity with those things too. My perfect no. But do I recoil from them when I start to get invest in them? Absolutely. You know, my sponsor used to tell me that I that my ego likes to write checks that my spirit can't cash.

And that for me is my experience, that I'll say, yeah, I can do anything. I could sponsor 30 women.

I can, you know, go to school full time, raise three kids, you know, have a business with my husband, take care of everybody. And I'll speak every week, you know, and my ego likes to write checks that my spirit can't cash. And unless I'm held accountable and somebody says to me like, hey, Carrie, you know, it seems to me like you're speaking an awful lot. Or do you really think you need to take 18 credits? Can you just take 12 like a normal human being? Do you need to get as every time? Can you just get a, can you accept getting a big? You know, I'm an alcoholic. And like I said,

my ego will grab onto anything, anything before I'll grab onto God. It fights. And so when when we talk about this and we say that we've been placed in the position neutrality, that we that we're safe and protected. For me, I've been placed in a position in neutrality, safe and protected from the things that bring me back to alcohol as well as alcohol. That doesn't mean that I'm perfect. It doesn't mean that I don't ever fall short, but it means that if I'm tempted, I recoil from a hot flame because I know

what that experience has brought me

and talks about that we neither fight it nor do or avoid temptation that we're placing in a trap and peace in a place of neutrality. We're safe and protective. We've not even sworn off and send the instead the problems been removed. It doesn't exist. We're neither cocking or or reafraid. This is our experience so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. You know, and I heard I've heard people talk about this step. The 10th step is the maintenance step and I don't like to call it that. I like to call it the, you know, the broadening and deepening step. I like to call, think of it in the terms of getting to know God better, getting to know myself

better and learning to rely on God for everything, for all the little things we talk, you know, we talk about and I'm sure you guys have heard, you know, the thing called the second step proposition is got everything or is God is nothing. What is our choice to be? This is where we put that proposition into action. This is where we live as if God is everything,

you know, because this is where I truly go out and live my life. This is where I go out and I interact with my fellow human beings and I live as if God is going to do for me what I cannot do for myself. Because based on myself, I'm a selfish, self-centered alcoholic who will steal and lie. Lie to your face. I'll steal your wallet and I'll tell you I didn't do it. And I'll tell you so and so did it. And meanwhile I'm manipulating. I'll do all kinds of things. And I'll do that sober. I'll do that stark raving sober,

you know? So for me, and this is just my experience,

that

I have to live as if God is everything and this is where I do it. This is where I put that into practice and where I believe and I live as if

God is 100% a part of everything that I do in my life. And there's not an area of my life in which God is not involved. Because if God is not involved in one area of my life, that area will invariably become unmanageable and bring me back to the bottom and may not bring me back to the bottle through. It may take few steps to get me there, but it'll get me there nonetheless. You know, so this is, this is my experience and it tells me that we can't let up on our spiritual program of action. I'm headed for trouble if I do because alcohol is a subtle flow.

Then I'm not curative alcoholism. What I really have is daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition for every day I must carry the vision of God's will and all my activities and say how best can I serve you? Thy will not mine be done. Then I must carry these thoughts with me and exercise my willpower along my these lines. This is the proper use of my will. And so it talks about it says, you know, we talked about giving up our will. I've heard that talked about all the time in a a meetings and I was like, wow, you know, you guys really haven't read your big book because this big book tells me that I will learn to properly use my will. I don't give up my will because

giving up my will is giving up the very thing that God gave me that makes me a human being. What I do is I ask God to help me better apply my will. I ask God to direct me. You know, I ask God to be my my director, to be my principal. I am his agent. And when I do that, it means that I'm asking God to show me how to better serve him and to do his will in my in all of my activities. You know that I must carry these thoughts with with me constantly and exercise my willpower along this line, these lines. And again, like,

it's not an easy thing to do. And it's really hard to talk about the 10 step without talking about it in the context of 10:00 and 11:00 because they really go together. And it's unfair of me to to go into that, you know, with the person coming next week. Is that sort of stealing their Thunder? But on the other hand, you know, these these paragraphs are paragraphs that I bring into my meditation every morning. And there are things that I ask God to help me to do because based on my own will, I'm incapable of doing it. But I know that if I ask God to help me to do these things, to pause when agitator dabble, to ask for the right

watch or selfishness, dishonesty, resentment of fear, to ask God to direct my thing, to ask, ask God how best can I serve these. I will not mind be done to carry this into my daily life and to live as if this is my purpose

based on my own will. I'm not going to do that. But if I ask God to direct me and I ask God to help me to do that, I find that God can do it for me. And what I mean by this is not that I just sit here and just say God fix me and I'm going to do nothing about this. It means that I bring this spirit forward into my life and I act as if God is doing this for me. And God does,

you know, I, I've, I've worked with a lot of people and they talk about it and they're waiting for God to fix them while they're sitting on their hands. And that's not my experience. My experience is that isn't that God is going to hit me in the head with a lightning bolt.

My experience is that God has people in my life where teachers who show me how to, how to live, how to do things that teach me about the spiritual life. And that my job is to follow the directions of this book. And if I ask God to help me do that, that God will give me the strength, the courage and, and the will to do these things and that I will learn to properly use my will. That doesn't mean that I don't fall short and make mistakes. This happens all the time, but it means that I I've begun to and it's been my experience that I can trust my intuition

that you know, if I have a gut feeling about something and I don't listen to it. Usually I find out that I make a big made a big mistake that when I'm living in this, it said it talks about in the next paragraph. It says that much has been said about receiving strength, inspiration and direction from him was all knowledge and power. If we're carefully following these directions, we begun to sense a flow of his spirit into us. To some extent, we've become God conscience. We've begun, developed, develop a vital 6th sense and we must go further and take more action.

And I find that when I'm living in this way, I'm living in constant companionship with my Creator and I'm living in the present moment. And I'm not living in yesterday, I'm not living in tomorrow. And I'm pausing and I'm asking God to help me when I'm disturbed. I'm not living in the problem or the issues and I'm living in in a, in a manner in which serves God and not my ego or not myself or my alcoholism or any of those things

that this does happen. And I do have a sixth sense that I will intuitively know things that, you know, I'll be talking to a woman that I sponsor and

I'll know a situation that it'll just, I can hear today. I can listen because I'm not locked by my own thoughts. I can actually hear what other people have to say without thinking out loud. You ever do that? You realize that somebody just told you incredible, incredibly personal thing, and you were so busy thinking about what they were saying that you didn't hear them.

I used to do that all the time, and I used to pretend like I heard you and I heard you, but I didn't really hear what you were saying. I heard your words. I didn't hear what you said

and this step helps me and practicing it this way and being accountable in this way helps me not to think at you, but to hear you, to hear what your spirit is telling me about you,

you know, and I'll listen to him. One of the women that I work with, what they've said, and I said, this is what I heard, but this is what I think I heard. And I'm like, Cara, that's exactly what I mean. I, I couldn't say that. I didn't know how to say that. I'm like, your spirit told me that. And it's not because I'm psychic. I don't have a have a crystal ball. It's because

God has been able to come into my life to help me to get the hell out of your way

enough so that I can really be of service to you so that I can hear you and see you as God's child and not as a manifestation of me. Everything in my life was an extension of my ego. You were here to make me look good or make me feel better, and everything I did was about you making me feel better. And if you didn't do that, I spanked you on the hiney. And if you did that, I gave you a cookie. And that's how I live my life and what this step helps me to do. Now obviously I did a fourth and a fifth step and I saw the grocer manifestations,