Steps 7 through 12 at a 12 step workshop in WV

God, I'm now ready that You have all me, good and bad, granting strength as I go out from here to do Thy bidding.

What is the rest of it?

No, that's part of the third step prayer.

Yeah. Take everything. It stands in the way of my usefulness, you and my fellows. So you say that and you mean it.

Now what's God take away? What he wants to take away.

So you may think,

you may think that part of you should be taken away, and God may find that useful. And I, I can't explain that to you, but I

I'm pretty confronted most of the time

and God hasn't seen fit to remove that. Although I'm willing to not be confronted, I just don't.

Maybe that's not what I think it is.

May be candid, Yeah. I treasure Candor and other people

because I treasure single agendas in other people.

Really confusing to me to get together with. Somebody's got six agendas. They never know what the hell when they're working on.

Before I forget it, I want to talk a little bit about dependence.

Brooke says that we place our dependence squarely upon God. Now, what's that got to do with

we were just waiting to break? We were talking about sponsorship

and and some people sponsor from their egos

and that means that you will talk to them all the time. Tell them precisely what you're doing. They will make your decisions for you

and they will essentially direct your life. You got a sponsor like that, Get rid of them.

They're sponsoring out of their ego. If the first thing your sponsored tells you is not, place your dependence squarely upon God. I'm just another drunk.

They're doing you a disservice.

The thing to remember here is that sponsors are not infallible.

None of us are infallible,

so if I place my dependence on some other drunk, I am a fool

if I ask them.

You know what sponsors are their guides

and that means they're going to walk with you. And if you ask them questions about their experience, they will answer you and you can benefit from their experience. But my my sponsor refuses

to answer questions to me about how I should live.

And when I call him up and say

tell me what to do,

he'll say pray about it and do what you think.

Took me two years to figure that out

because we'd have these long winded conversations in the last comment in those conversations was why don't you pray about and do what you think.

And after two years of that, I finally figured out that we could have abbreviated that whole conversation and gone directly to that.

Remember that our dependence is squarely upon God. And I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to take off on sponsors here. I just want you to know, and no uncertain terms that that sponsors our guides and that they can be extremely helpful. And if their intent is good, especially, but if you got one that's operating out of their ego, which is that they want to start

telling you how to run your whole life, you may find that unfulfilled.

And the one thing that you will not do on in those circumstances is you will not learn to depend on God.

And you will walk around in a a asking everybody what's the right thing to do when you ought to be out there testing the water and testing your intuitive thought to find out what you ought to be doing.

Thank you.

SO

the book says that we made a list of all persons we had harmed, became willing to make amends to them all. We did it when we took inventory.

If you write your inventory out of somebody's idiotic guide,

you know well meaning people,

right? Little things you can put checks in.

It's like filling out an order for, you know, it's like,

it's like ordering a magazine basically.

I don't, I don't get it.

I mean, if I if I don't see it with some degree of clarity, what's the point?

So,

so my opinion here again, which is not worth anything, is that is that if it isn't in the big book, I don't want to do it. Now that may be very close minded in your view, but it saved my life and as soon as I start doing something that somebody else designed,

I start running into trouble. I think this program is perfect. I think it's got inspired

and I think anybody that tries to put his thumbprint on here is doing a solid disservice,

OK. And I've been able to stay sober for a long time on the basis of believing that.

And I'm inclined to think that if you take the same attitude, which is I'm just going to do what it says,

that unit gets over, you will stay sober and you will help other people become sober.

So,

so we made this list.

No, it's not. You know, it's not particularly difficult. The reason why you have a sponsor in this deal is so they can give you perspective and clarity. So we we go ahead and we make this list of all these people we've harmed. And then the next thing that's important is that we write down the harm

now. I asked. I thought I knew that, you know, well I harmed him and him and her and her and him and

in, in, in my sponsor when I went to review it with him, because he made me review the night step with her. The 8th step with him

said where's the arm?

And I said, well I must have harmed him. I mean, I was around him

and he's gone. Oh, you must be pretty powerful.

I, you know, I didn't harm all people I was around. And I don't harm him by being next to him. And sometimes I harm them in ways that I may not understand. And I have to get some clarity. And there are a lot of situations that are garbage up with my own emotions. And so I cannot get clarity or perspective about what the harm was. And that's why I sit down with my sponsor and say, here's what went on, Here's what I think,

What do you think?

And then we just, we will come to a conclusion about who I've harmed, what the harm was and how to take care of it. Now the the whole business, first of all, and let's just talk about writing the list. Most of your most of our men's A list will occur in our inventory, which is precisely why if you write it by someone else's design, you won't have that list.

So you short yourself that way.

So

considering that we've done this inventory based on what the book says and we have this list of people, we will find most of the harm that we have created in that. Now we'll probably have to add some people to it.

So we do that and then we get clear on what the harm is. Because my sponsor told me he didn't want me going out and bothering people about stuff that I made-up.

You know, you know the part in the book about we can't differentiate the truth from the false.

That has to do with where we were and what we did. And also sometimes we tell ourselves the same lie. So often we start believing it. OK. And sometimes we think something happened and it didn't. And sometimes we hope something didn't happen and it did. So, so we go through there and we find harm in each one of those things and then we become willing to go make amends to them if we don't harm them further

by making the amend. How can you do that?

How can you make harm by going to make command?

Huh. Classic example is messing with somebody else's spouse.

Well, I'm sorry I was in bed with your wife

and now that you know,

I feel much better.

Well, come on,

you know, we just try and do the best we can.

Some of our amends will appear to be insurmountable.

Sometimes we have done things

which we will create more harm by trying to amend.

No, a man means to change, don't you?

So

so we try and find a way to balance the books.

This is about, this is about bringing everything back to even OK. This isn't about overbalancing the books.

So when the book talks about not bowing or scraping before anyone, they're right. We're not over there to be subservient. Do you understand? We don't go in there and go beat me, beat me. I've been terrible.

That isn't what this is about. This is a this. The book describes our attitudes when we go into amends, and the way it describes it is calm, frank and open.

That means I'm not excited or agitated

if I can help it. Sometimes that's pretty tough in a man's

that I'm clear that I talk about the truth. I talk about what really happened, which is about being frank and about being open. One of the first things I do in every man to say I'm an alcoholic and this is part of the recovery process for me. And the book suggests that we do that, and I do what the books suggest.

So, so we need to be calm, frank and open, and then we go out and repair the damage. Now, sometimes if we owed people money, you pay them back. If you harm them in some other manner, you try and make some sort of reparation for what you've done. You do whatever's necessary to balance the books.

Sometimes people will ask you to do things that over balance the books.

If they're really not very unreasonable, I will generally do them because I'm the one that created the harm. And if they want a little more and it's not too offensive, I'll just go ahead and do it.

If it way over balances the books, I tell them that's unreasonable. And they want, well, you came here and I went yes, but that's unreasonable. OK.

Umm,

so. So we go to these people in a helpful and forgiving spirit

and we are calm, frank and open

and we do what we need to do.

I know an awful lot of people that drink because they didn't finish their men's and they did everything else that was asked of them.

Now I'll give you someone else's experience, but

then this is a friend

came to me and said and personite sponsor he said I I can't make this amend

and I said which one? And he said, well

I faked an accident

when I was working on a construction company

and they spent 40,000 bucks. And he said I screwed up my knee playing tag football and then I faked an accident on the job

and I said he said I can't do it. And I said why not? He said because they'll take me to jail.

And I said, well, should take you to jail or we take you to the cemetery.

And he said OK, And he was terrified. This is a big strong.

This is a guy that you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley before he got sober, OK?

So he went back there and he went to this company and he said

I've harmed you.

I faked an accident.

You guys paid $40,000 to cover the medical expenses. I regret having done that and I want to make it right. And the first thing out of this, when he called up and told these people he wanted to talk to him with a company that he had defrauded,

they said meet us here at such and such a time. And he was absolutely certain that Phoebe was going to be there.

And he walked in and it was the treasure of the company and the president of the company.

And when he said that he wanted to make it right, the treasurer looked at him

and he said, are you in a 12 step program?

And he said yes.

And the treasurer said, OK,

we're going to talk about what we're going to do and you can come back tomorrow and we'll tell you.

And this guy called me up

and said

I got to go back tomorrow

and I know they're going to arrest me and I know I'm going to wind up in the state penitentiary.

And I said, you don't know anything.

You know what you're afraid of,

but the truth is that the hardest thing about trusting God is trusting God.

And this is where you learn.

You can't learn to trust God if you never learn to trust Him. If you don't take that chance, if you don't put yourself in a position of risk and allow God to pull you out of bad circumstances, you will never, ever learn to trust Him.

So he went back the next day

and he was expecting the squad cars to be in front of the office and there wasn't one.

And he walked into this office and the treasurer was standing in there and he said we've decided what to do. And this guy said, okay,

the treasurer said we would like you to contribute $400 to a charity of our choice and we want to see the receipt.

Thank you very much.

What the hell would it happen to this guy if he hadn't done that?

See, it would have. It would have eaten his guts away until he lost his sobriety. But

there's a thing in the fair inventory that talks about this. Men of faith have courage. Now, how much courage? All right, that's the question. If you're going to give me courage, give me so much that I can jump out this window and be unafraid. OK,

how much courage do you really get?

Enough to get one foot in front of the other. That's it.

There are sometimes when we have so little courage that it's almost impossible to move physically.

But we have enough courage to move.

And what we find is that God was there all along

in that all we had to do was act.

This is a program of action.

Faith without works is dead. If we don't get up and participate in this and do those things that we have been asked to do in spite of our fear, we will never overcome this.

There is enormous freedom

in doing this and having it work, because it does work.

All right. So,

so we go about the business making amends.

You have this list and you have the harm and you can arrange it in any order that you want, but you start at the top and you go to the bottom

and you just go through it any in a business like manner

and one day you will be absolutely free.

No, you will not, as the book says, have to cross the street to avoid anyone

because you're clear and that day is just outrageous.

I want to anybody have any question about the man?

Yeah,

yeah,

right.

Should I give out the charity or should I make a manual dead drug dealer?

Pray about and do what you think.

I'm not being a smarty.

Would that be my?

If you think they're your amends, they are.

I don't. I have heard that same question a dozen times.

What about the money I owed my drug dealer? I know people

who stole money from mafia figures

and they went back and made amends.

And you know what?

What the mafia guy told him.

Hey, I love you, I see what you did. Give me the money back. Don't ever show up again.

So that's what he did.

OK,

I had to go make amends. I was a bill collector on the North Side of Chicago

as a 240 LB psychopath.

And So what I used to do is, and I not only collected money for loan companies, I collected money for bad guys.

And so I would go kick in somebody's door and chase them through their house and throw them up against the wall and just keep banging them off the wall until they figured out how they were going to get the money.

And I didn't care if they had to go rob at 7:11. I told him I'd be back in 20 minutes and they damn well better have it or something ugly. What's going to happen to him?

I need to go back and make amends to those people.

That's fine.

Oh man,

the first time I did that, I went in and I went, look, you know, I, I, I, you remember what I did.

Really sorry about that.

I'm trying to live a different life today and and I want to do anything that's necessary to make that right.

You know what that guy said to me?

Stay the hell away from me.

Oh man,

yes.

Wait, just first Al and then Bob. How did you know the difference

dealing with the alcohol in mind

when you use intuitive thought? Yes, 11 steps congratulating some work part of the mind. How do you know the difference between intuitive and impulse?

I trust it.

I trust it.

I

what Alan's asking

is what's the difference between intuitive thought and impulsive thought or self-directed thought?

I've been doing that for so long I don't I'm not sure the answer. I know I trust those thoughts that come to me about what to do, even if they're weird.

I mean from my perspective

or out of the ordinary.

I also know when I'm just trying to get up on somebody.

So I think that that eventually

is just the I mean that you can differentiate that overtime and I that from a perspective of today and early on when I was trying to do that, I was making mistakes, but I came to trust what I thought.

This is what Alan's talking about is is part of living a spiritual life and it's about part of trusting God. See with it, the book says that went that for groups, the way God speaks to us is through a group conscience,

OK? But his individual God speaks to us through our intuitive thought, which is essentially our sense of right and wrong. OK. And sometimes you will feel compelled to go do something

and it'll be out of the ordinary or uncomfortable or something like that. In my inclinations to go do it

as walking down the street in Los Angeles

in his bum wax by me

and I was compelled to give him money.

And I'm talking about damn near everything I had in my pocket, which was several 100 bucks.

And I said excuse me. And he turned around and I said here, this is for you. And then I walked away,

but I couldn't keep walking because I was too damn curious.

And so I turned around to see what he was up to, and he

on his knees like this.

I don't know what that means,

but I know it was right.

And see, that's weird. Why would you do that? I don't know,

barking at people in meetings,

if you feel compelled to do what you'd go do it. And you learn how to trust this and you see the effects of it, and you go, oh, that's why it happened.

And God was just using me as an instrument

in that. I've got my ego so wrapped up on the inside of this thing that I'm afraid to follow my intuition.

But see, the more you do it, the more you learn to trust it.

And then when you get one of these things that seems a little weird, you go do it anyway,

and then you see the net result of it. It's always pretty astounding

and we get addicted to spiritual experiences. Go looking at them, OK?

It's, it's part of the spiritual world.

There's no, it's almost like there's two worlds here. In my experience. One of them is the temporal world where we get up in the morning, go to work, and the other is the spiritual world where we go out and try and be of service to other people.

And I'm very fortunate today because my business is helping inmates, 80% of which are Alcoholics and drug addicts.

And so my spiritual job and my regular job are the same. What a wonderful combination.

So

I had to be dragged into this business

and it's extremely successful today. And I kept denying it. I kept avoiding it. I kept thinking it was beneath my dignity. I kept thinking that I didn't want to do it because I'd been around enough people that were causing problems

and God kept saying, that's what I want you to do, Bob. And here's what happens. I go, no, Sir. And he goes, go ahead, Bob, I really want you to do that.

And you go, that's fine, but I don't. And he'll go now. I'll make you do that, Bob,

and I'll say like hell you will.

And he'll say, Bob, you let go of that

or I'll take it away from you.

And I'll go, why don't you go bother somebody else?

And then he will rip it from my bloody fingers

and he will give me something else.

And three weeks later I'll be going. This is wonder.

Boy, am I glad I let go of it.

I didn't let go, but it was wrenched from me.

OK, and you'll get those messages. Sometimes. I didn't want to work with convicts. I just didn't. It's like, no thanks.

And God was saying you wanted a really good business and I'm in a business. Nobody else wants to be it,

OK? People know I get locked up in a room for the inmates. They go. I wouldn't do that. Actually, it's safest place in the city,

So

so that's what happens.

Anybody else want to talk about a man?

Let's talk. Go ahead.

Yes, please.

About eight or nine years Cut it fired me by 29 year hired me back.

I was trying to I got your point where I had to practice these principles best I could and all my affairs. I need you guys

fire me with my sponsor. A lot of problems with agreement but not clarity.

Right.

I Russell wouldn't take for a couple weeks and then I

if the wrestling match was over

and he told me, you know what? We decided that I'm going to quit this company in my 38th year

that retire wait

in no worries with you 57 years old time.

That point, it's already the worst,

right? I'm familiar with that.

Three employees bringing two other guys and one guy server 19 years the other 18 years right.

The company has increased its debt every year except 119870 my

and all three of us are main thing is carrying this message, the message of recovery through a spiritual awakening that can be brought about by 12 steps. That is what we do and we have a fall.

Right.

Thank you.

Tell me when you want to break.

I don't know if you want to go. I don't know what you want to do,

whatever you're comfortable with and then we'll just kind of get the rest of the way through. You want to do that. OK, go ahead.

Which suggests we continue to taste personal inventory and continue to sell right any new mistakes as we go on. We vigorously commence this way of living as we cleaned up the past.

You all understand the promises are in at the end of the ninth step.

Our next function is to grow an understanding and effectiveness. At this point, that's our function. We want to become more understanding and we want to become more effective. We've entered the world of the Spirit.

The instructions on this step are continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. And when you see it, ask God at once to remove it. Now you already know what that feels like 'cause you learned what that feels like in inventory. OK,

we talked someone about it. We make amends if we've harmed someone, and then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help.

The book says that we have ceasefire fighting anyone or anything. Give up.

You know, one of the virtues of this thing is quit defending yourself.

You know what? If you know who you are, you don't have to defend yourself because you chose it. OK? Is it?

I don't want to fight anyone or anything. Fighting takes too much energy.

It does. Why would I want to fight anyway?

I will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we will recoil from it as a hot as from a hot flame.

Now it's just we react sanely and normally.

Yeah, remember, this is 10

and we will find that this has happened automatically. We got this new ad towards toward liquor. We're we're not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we've been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected. I become neutral about alcohol. What a blessing. I can look at it. For me, it's like looking at dog food. I don't have a dog.

We haven't even sworn off, instead the problems been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. This is our experience and this is how we react as long as we keep in fit. Spiritual condition.

Now,

I asked the guy one night.

How long you been sober? Actually was sober a year longer than I was.

And he has, he likes to go out and beat up people emotionally in a meetings just to show off, show his knowledge. It's about its spiritual pride. I know more about this. I'm more spiritual. I do all this stuff. You're just an idiot. That's a kind of approach he has toward it. And I said the book says that by this point in our program that we react sanely and normally.

And because you don't act sanely and normally, I'm assuming you have the choice and have chosen not to.

Boy was he angry.

And it my my belief is

that by the time we have reached the 10th step or engaged in the 10th step, that we can choose to be sane and normal.

And I choose to be that.

And I think if you're seeing people act in some manner that is contrary to that, that they have chosen something else.

And when that's the case, I don't want to be around them.

One of the beauties about knowing who you are and being able to pick your friends is that you don't have to pick vexatious people.

Vexatious.

Have you ever been heard the term being vexed?

Getting angry,

vexed. It's that's an old word,

Abrasive. Angry,

vexatious people are people who upset you.

I don't want to be around people like that, Don't want to have any part of them. You know, I've got about 6,

six or eight people that I'm really close to and I don't handle that very well.

I try to, and I think that there are responsibilities in being someone's friend,

but I do not allow those kinds of people around me.

And one guy came up and he said we really ought to hang around together because we're in the same business.

And I said no.

And he said why not? And I said I have no interest in that at all. And he said, why not?

And I said, I don't need to explain that either. And that was the end of the conversation.

Some people will try and impose themselves on you.

Why would you let him?

Most of the people who try and impose on you want something from you. They want credibility. It's like someone getting you as a sponsor, so when someone comes up and says who's your sponsor? They can flash you in front of them and then people think you're actually doing the work.

You know, I've seen so many people ask other people to be their sponsors so they could hide behind them. And then if the sponsor isn't on the ball, they don't hold their feet to the fire

and what's the point? I mean, I don't, I don't want to be someone's sponsor in name

because the only reason why I can think of being someone sponsor is to guide them through the process.

So we continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. And when we see it, we ask God it wants to remove it. You know how you do that? God, please remove this.

I'm not kidding, right? That's how you do that. People don't. People will go well. I'm not sure how to go about that. Well,

God, please remove this. OK? And then you talk to someone about it.

As I have mentioned on many occasions today, my life has been in some turmoil for the last year. I am tense, stepping my backside off every day. I call people because I lack perspective. Well, I call up a friend. Actually. I called up a woman and I said my ex-wife has got her boyfriend

fully engaged in my kids life.

Is that OK?

I'm thinking I ought to go over there and kill him.

And she goes, that's perfectly normal. If she is, if she is vitally interested in that relationship, she may want to make sure that the children see the same good side of this guy that she sees. And because she wants to spend a lot of time with the children and wants to spend a lot of time with him, it's pretty normal to try and arrange things for them to do together.

Oh,

I'll just hurt him a little.

Hi,

I lack perspective when I'm challenged by my own beliefs or by my circumstances. I I have to have perspective or I'm liable to go off at right angles. And so I, I call these ten step buddies. I would encourage each of you to have some. The arrangement is I will. Every time I call you, you will listen. Unless it's unless there's some serious

circumstances to the contrary.

And every time you call me, I will listen

on the same basis.

And so I have three or four people that I do that too with,

and they talked to me about what they're experiencing and I talked to them about what I'm experiencing. And I have daily contact with people in Alcoholics Anonymous even when I don't go to meetings.

And for the most part, because they are uninvolved third parties,

they have good perspective, something I don't have. And I have to test the water

when I am involved in these kinds of difficult circumstances.

Some people won't 10 step because they're because they're afraid of what kind of impression it's going to leave on the person that they tend step with. It's like being afraid to 5th step with your sponsor.

What's the point?

I don't. I'm not afraid to be open about anything in my life. If I'm talking to someone who's done the work, nothing.

I I don't, I don't hold secrets.

I'm not afraid of how I look.

I just am not, you know, if they don't like it, they'll tell me. And if they do like it or whatever it is, that's not what it's about. Kent Stepping is about. Here's what I see. What do you see?

10 Stepping is about clarity and 10 Stepping is about being here now.

It's about get out of the past and get out of the future and get here now

and keep your eyes open and see what's going on and keep your mind focused

so you can see what you're up to. And if you see something you don't like, challenge it.

But it's about participating in life vigorously

when it everyone I've ever met in my life has potential way beyond their own comprehension,

including me.

And these are people with skills and abilities that far exceed what they're involved in.

And what they need is clarity and purpose

to go do that.

See, what you get out of the out of learning the truth about yourself is the ability to challenge life.

God didn't make us sober so we could sit in a corner with our thumb in our backside.

God made us sober so we could go out and become active and effective human beings.

And if you don't know what your skills are yet, you haven't tried enough stuff

and justice because you haven't done it doesn't mean you can't do it.

And if your life has been unproductive this far, it's because you're unwilling to go out there and participate.

So you want to know what's really fun? Go challenge life,

get out in the middle of it and risk and see what you're capable of. And I will guarantee you that you're all capable of more than you can imagine.

You know, I part of the process this weekend for me and next week is I am rewriting all the goals in my life. You know why you have goals?

Could they be don't have a target? You don't hit anything,

OK, if you don't have any goals. You wander around in life getting what's leftover. And if you're sitting there believing that somehow because you're an alcoholic or you haven't achieved what you wanted to do so far,

go out there and do it.

What the hell are you afraid of? You afraid of looking bad?

That's what most people are afraid of. I'll tell you the secret of the ages.

Nobody's looking.

They're so caught up in their own stuff, they can't see you.

May make life an adventure,

truly make it an adventure. Go out there and try things that other people are so terrified to do and that they can't get one foot in front of the other. You know, I go out and start new businesses and start new projects and people go, how do you do that?

And I tell him, I just go do it. And they go, I can't imagine. Aren't you afraid? And you go, sometimes

they go, but then why do you do it? And I went see if I can do it.

You know, God gives us the ability to go do this thing and then we cower in the corner.

And if you found the truth in this and you've been through this process, which is you've all done all 12 steps just once, at least

you can go out and challenge life effectively. And you will amaze your friends by your courage

in your production,

in your ability.

So anyway, we watch for this stuff

and we know what that looks like because we learned it in inventory and then we talked to someone about it and we make amends if we've harmed someone. And then we do what's pivotal in the 10th step. And the pivotal point in the 10th step is to resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help.

Resolutely

with emphasis,

turn our thoughts to someone we can help. It does not say go help someone.

It says think about helping him and you go, well, that's kind of that's kind of funny. Aren't you just supposed to go out there and help him? Maybe.

But it says turn your thoughts to him. And the reason why we turn our thoughts to him is we automatically turn away from ourselves when we do it, right? So we learn how to do that 10 steps about being in the present moment. OK? That's what it's about. And it's about getting out of self. Hi,

And it's also about having a new relationship with alcohol.

If the day I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, someone would have said that I will become neutral about alcohol, I would have told them they were smoking some funny stuff because I have never been neutral about alcohol

and today I am neutral about alcohol.

It just doesn't come up.

Anybody want to talk about 10 Step? Yeah,

carpet cleaners, so they have the right inventory every.

The danger in this program is the resurgence of self.

I can't kill it. I'm beat it senseless but I can't kill it

and as a consequence my ego rebounds

and overtime it will become powerful again

and that somehow have to find a way to deflate it because my ego will kill me

so. So I'm in the camp that says that I am not

so faultless in the 10 step process that I can catch everything I'm up to.

And periodically what I need to do is I need to renew all this stuff and the first thing I do is I go back to the first step. Now, Well, I've been sober since 1973. What the hell do I need a first step for?

First thing that I look at is it, am I really an alcoholic?

People go, oh God, I want to look at that. I've already decided that long time ago. Don't even bring it up. Wait a minute.

Do I today believe that I'm an alcoholic? Am I willing to believe that I'm not?