Jay S. from Redondo Beach, CA telling his story at the "Living Fearlessly Men's retreat" in Estes Park, CO

My name is Jay, and I'm an alcoholic. Jay. And God's doing for me today what I couldn't do for myself because it's 20 minutes after 8 on a Friday evening and I haven't had anything to drink all day today. Right. Which for an alcoholic of my variety is a really big deal.

I bring you greetings from, your brothers and sisters in the South Bay of Los Angeles, who this evening are doing this alcohol thing that we call Alcoholics Anonymous, just the same as we are here. And, you know, one of the things that's wonderful to know is that at any moment of any day that there are women and men that are gathered together in this thing that we call Alcoholics Anonymous. Now how many how many guys are here on their first retreat? Alright. And, so, what it is that, that my purpose is, is that number 1, a prophet's never a prophet in his own land, right?

So you bring some clown from out of town so people will pay attention. Okay? And you can resent the hell out of him and he leaves and you can talk about it. That's the deal. Okay?

How does he stay sober living like that? And, what we're gonna do this weekend is we're gonna spend some time doing some spiritual exercises. I'm gonna give some talks. Gonna make some suggestions, some of you hopefully will follow them, and then, we'll see where it takes us. I came to my first retreat.

I had 6 months sober. Lifeguard George, who came to Alcoholics Anonymous as a result of throwing another man through a window in a bar, He was not the kind of guy that you said no to. Said, we're going on retreat, And I went. And there was a Jesuit guy by the name of Tom Weston, father Tom, who was about 3 years sober at the time. And, and there was a group of men, about 80, 90 guys, and they were talking about God, and they weren't being shy about it.

And that caught my attention, because I've been doing this thing that we call Alcoholics Anonymous. What I'm gonna do tonight is I'm gonna qualify so that you know that I'm I'm a, you know, that I really belong here, give you my story, so that, you can get to know me a little bit. And then over the course of the weekend, I'm gonna be talking a little bit about different portions of my life in relationship to these spiritual exercises. And just up front, I want you to know that, I'm gonna be talking a lot about, my personal life, my relationship with my, the artist formerly known as wife, Jacqueline, and my wife, Adele, who brings who sends her greetings, and my daughter, Jessica. And all 3 of these women, when I started doing these retreats, the retreats that I was brought up going to were mostly done by professional religious guys that were sober alcoholics.

And, they tended they they all were Roman Catholics. And when I was thinking about what it is that I could bring to groups of men, it wasn't so much about the insights into the steps because there's a lot of guys that can do really great big book workshops and break them apart, you know, the steps apart. But I could share the kind of things that we go through as sober guys in our homes and in our jobs. And, so this required me to tell. So I'm gonna tell the truth about some stuff that I really would prefer not to tell you the truth about.

Because the nice thing about this thing that we call Alcoholics Anonymous is that it's my scar tissue that's not that's important. And so, and all 3 of these women have given me leave to speak honestly to you about about our lives together. So just so I I gave you greetings from, from my, my fabulous wife, Adele. She will celebrate 18 years sobriety in June. So she's got 17 19 years in June.

Excuse me. She's got 18 years. I bring you greetings for my sister Regina. Regina's got 21 years sober. You can find her at Stairway 2 in Las Vegas at the morning meetings and she wants me always to make sure that you people know that she is not just a weekender.

She's there every day. Correctly sober. And then her husband Greg, he's sober 23 years. And, and then I came to you on the 2nd day of May in, 1979. And although I found it necessary to drink on a lot of occasions, I haven't picked up the front drink.

I haven't sniffed any glue or done any of those other things that I found to be so consoling. So if you're new with us, if this is your first pass at Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, what I'm here to report Now we all have our own stories. And if yours is picking up after you've been exposed to Alcoholics Anonymous, there is no hierarchy. Our stories are all the same. You know, but this is mine and you don't have to do that if you want it more than anything else in the world.

My mother, Bonnie, has been a member of the Al Anon Family Groups for 24 years. So notice that I get sober and it's 5 years before she shows up in Al Anon. And then other members of my family, it starts to it starts to hit. Okay? So if you're in the 1st few years of sobriety and you're wondering why it is that they're not treating you right, why it is that they don't, you know, really see this great spiritual leap forward that you've made, wait about a presidential cycle.

You know? They've seen your tricks before. They remember when you were gonna be a vegetarian and only drink wine, or when you were just gonna smoke pot. They've seen all these things. So, you know, let it let it go.

Let it go. And I, another thing that I need to report to you is is that I've been a member of the I bring you greetings from the steps to recovery meeting of the Al Anon Family Groups. We meet Tuesday at noon at the Manhattan Beach Community Church and being a member of the Al Anon Family Groups for the past 5 years has been a wonderful, wonderful dimension to my life. And I'll talk a little bit about that later. And my home group is the Hermosa Beach Men's Stag.

I feel just as strongly about that meeting as you guys feel about yours. You know, and, I get the privilege of going around and doing a bunch of this stuff, and I'm convinced now that there's only one stag meeting. We just happen to wear different earth suits, you know, but there's all the same personalities in each of the meetings and it's and it's really fun. So, so anyway, that's just a little background about me. I was, I was born in El Segundo, California, which if you need a reason to drink is as good as any.

It's this, little patch of Oklahoma that's in the South Bay of Los Angeles. On the north side of the town is the Los Angeles International Airport. On the, eastern border of the town is the Northrop Defense Contractor. On the south side is the 2nd oil refinery in the state of California once the town got its name. And then on the patch of beach in between El Segundo and the Pacific Ocean is the waste treatment plant for the entire county of Los Angeles.

So toxicity is just a way of life. Right? And you wanna get right with your environment. I know. Now, my, my father was a a really good looking guy that moved fast.

And, my my mother is a beautiful woman, and, she doesn't drink at all. And, so things were a little quick around my home. Now we all come from a little family weirdness and I come from a little too. But the thing that I always like to say upfront is that these people, what they did is is that they made sure that I went to school. And they clothed me, and they fed me, and they taught me how to read, and they taught me table manners, and they introduced me to God as they understand understood God.

So no matter how far down the scale I went, I had tools that I could climb back up with. And so I'm deeply grateful to them for that. I can't tell you when I had my first drink. I was the short guy in school. You remember the short guy?

I can't throw the ball as far, I can't run as fast. But by the time I'm 12, 13 years old, I found something I can do better than guys that are bigger and tougher and stronger than me, metabolize beverage alcohol. Obviously, this is a gift from God. And I have no idea that what I am is alcoholic. You know, it's a you know, alcoholism doesn't run-in my family.

Obviously, it gallops. And, and I was talking to my daughter the other day. She was telling me how she was in Vegas in this really shi shi club and she's the 112 pound teenager is is drinking all the 35 year old guys under the table. And I said, honey, that's not a badge of courage. It's your genetic predisposition.

And, but anyway, so I don't know this. When I drink, something happens to me that doesn't happen in about 90% of the population. First of all, when I drink you get interesting. 2nd, when I drink come on in guys, we've been waiting for you. The brain damaged section is open.

And, and so what happened is is that when I when I take that first drink, another thing that happens is is that this band that runs from about the stem of my brain down my back and really tight around my lungs unravels. And for the first time in my life, I can start to use my whole lung capacity. And I don't understand that most people when they drink alcohol, that doesn't happen to them. When I start to drink, some other things happen. There's this this phenomenon of craving that starts to happen.

And the way that this manifests is it goes like this. We're not drinking. We should be drinking now. We're not drinking. We're not having any fun, and we should have some fun.

Look at all these lanes here. Let's get the hell out. And it's like the middle of second period and I'm a junior in high school. And I'm an alcoholic. I'm part of a class of people that actually believes to the core of my being that if I think it, I gotta do it.

Do you have any idea how weird that is? Most people don't live that way. But I follow my impulses. So I've got this I've got this physical allergy to alcohol. Now how do you know whether you got it or not?

Well, for me, it's best to, like, take a look at what you do for recreation and then see what happens with 90% of the population. Example, by the time I'm 16 years old, my idea of a good time was to take a rack of reds. 3 high powered sedatives, second all, and wash it down with a quart of spinata wine. In 90% of the population, what happens medically is called synergistic effect. The brain actually gets so intoxicated from the mix of the sedatives and the alcohol that it starts to shut down.

People forget how to breathe, they throw up and choke on their own vomit. With me, I'm looking for car keys and to make short term romantic commitments. Another manifestation, this physical allergy that I have, this alcoholism is it manifests itself in what what's called a blackout. Now my definition of a blackout is operating the body with absolutely no idea of what's going on. If you have woken up with a life form with which you were unfamiliar when you left the house that morning, you might want to look at how your body metabolizes beverage alcohol.

Most people don't do that. Now fortunately for me, it was the seventies. You know, who was he anyway? You know, it wasn't a lifestyle choice, it was just, oh, You know, I know that never happens here. Were men in Colorado?

But you know, I mean, who knew? And then the other part of this this this disease that I've got, so I've got this physical allergy, I've got this this this obsession of the mind, I've got this phenomenon of craving, and then it manifests itself in a soul sickness. And the soul sickness manifests itself this way with me. And I have no idea that what I am is alcoholic. Did this ever happen to you?

You come home and they've changed the locks on the door and they've got the alcoholic luggage waiting for you, 2 hefty bags with all your belongings, Obviously, there's a mistake. Right? So you pound on the door and they're not opening. So you make enough noise so the neighbor's lights start to go on And finally, they open the door and they're they're standing there and they're crying. And what the hell is wrong with you?

You said you'd be home at 4 o'clock. I don't know about you guys, but I get real literal when I'm drinking. I said, yeah. It's 4 o'clock. I'm home.

No. No. No. No. No.

That was Tuesday afternoon. This is Thursday morning. Where the hell you been? Well, I've been busy. Doing what?

And I have no idea that what happened is is because I'm an alcoholic this phenomenon of craving kicked in. They don't I just went out to have a couple pops with the boys. Right? And we drank until 2 o'clock and we closed the bar and then we went up to the Comet Tavern and we drank port wine till 6 o'clock in the morning. When we went over to the doghouse and we pushed a little food around on a plate and drank some real drinks.

Then we went and got some money and we got some of that Peruvian marching powder and we drank all through the day and through the night and I'm home because it's the only place that's open. Why didn't you call? You knew my mother was coming over for dinner. You don't love me. Get the hell out of here.

Or did this ever happen to you? They look at you and they go, no drinking at work. Well, okay. And no drinking before you come into work either. How rude.

Now I don't know about you guys, but I hate to pay retail. So my idea of an ideal career path is to 10 bar preferably during the day so I'm available for the evening's activity. Right? And so I say, okay. And I get off work, and I go have a few pops with the boys, and I get home early.

Now you guys all know what early is. Right? But I'm home at 1:45 in the morning. I'm home early. I'm home before the bars close.

And, so I get home early, and I and I go and I go down. Now, I had good sponsorship in those days. What a sponsor is, is there somebody that's willing to share real life hardship and experience with you so that maybe you don't have to suffer as long as they did. And in those days, I had good sponsorship. Freezer that you take some cold ice and put it around a beer and put it next to the bed so that when you pop up after about 2 and a half hours when the alcohol started to wash through your system, you crack the beer and drink it down and you can go back down for another couple hours.

You know, I followed my sponsor in those days. And, and and so then I pop back up and it's 6 o'clock in the morning and I and I start to get ready to go to work. And I have a couple of beers, I get in the shower. You guys know what a good shower is, right? It's a place that you got a place that you can put the beer and the ashtray while you're getting ready to go to work.

Right? And the reason I'm having a couple of beers is because I gotta take the bus. Now you guys all know why I'm taking the bus. Right? Because I can't afford to bail the VW microbus out of impound for the last driving under the influence.

So I'm a man of the people taking public transportation, ecologically aware. And where do I take the bus? I take it downtown. This is Seattle, so I'm going down to down to down to Pioneer Square, and I stop and have a couple of beers on the way in. And my tongue gets a little thick.

And they look at me and they go, what the hell is wrong with you? Didn't we just talk about this yesterday? You said you weren't gonna have anything to drink before you came to work. And I look him dead in the eye and say, I haven't had anything to drink today. Because I know, like you guys know, that beer is not drinking.

Right? It's a food. You know, the people who tell you that beer is drinking, they're the same kind of people that are gonna tell you that smoking marijuana is doing drugs. Come on, it's natural, it's from God. It's what you do in between doing drugs, right?

My alcoholic I could not differentiate the true from the false. I did not know that drinking beer was drinking. I to the core of my being, you could have hooked me up to do a polygraph. And so what this soul sickness is, is it's this this that everybody who gave me any trust in my life, I violated. And I have no idea why.

Be you my employer, my lover, my friend, my business associate, my family member, at some point, we're gonna agree to do something, it's gonna be important, and I'm not gonna show up. Because the phenomenon of craving has set in and I'm off doing what I need to do. And I think that what I am is I'm a moral weakening, that I'm the bad guy getting what I deserve. And I have no idea that what I am is alcoholic. So I was living in my pinto.

I wasn't homeless. It was just my outdoorsman phase. And, I got arrested again for driving under the influence, and, and, my father was kind enough to bail me out of jail. And he said, do you think you have the disease? We were having a couple vodka rocks at a hotel bar.

And I said and and I stopped. And the still small voice inside me, the voice that I've heard all of my life, said, pay really close attention. He might pay for the lawyer. So I did. I paid really close attention.

I said, I don't know. He said, look, I want you to go talk to somebody. You can, stay with my mom, which is my grandmother Marie, who's 98 years old. She lives in her own home in El Segundo still, and, she sends her greetings. And and you can stay with her and I want you to call this guy.

So I called this guy and he said, meet me at the Howard Johnson's in Culver City, 7:30 tomorrow morning. Don't have anything to drink. No beer, no wine, don't smoke no dope either. How did he know? So I show up and this guy starts talking at me and talking about talking at me.

He says, Oh, he had problems in his life. And then he met Alcoholics Anonymous. And then he didn't have any problems anymore. He's talking at me, talking to me, and I just can't stand it. I haven't had enough to drink.

It's been half an hour and this guy isn't closing me yet. I say, look, do I need psychiatric treatment? Do I need hospitalization? Do I need religion? And he looks at me and he said, look, trick.

A hospital program will cost $3. If you can get your hands on $3, go out and drink that money up. And when you're done, call Alcoholics Anonymous. They do it for fun and for free. Now I don't know about you guys, but I've been getting a lot of advice and there wasn't anybody who told the truth about what you do if you can get your hands on $3.

Of course you go out, drink it up, and plan your next move, right? And he looked at me and he said, if you want it, it's in the white pages of the phone book. And I went home to my grandmother's house and I poured myself a, a water glass full of Davies County old fashioned Kentucky ribbon with 3 ice cubes and I drank it down, and I called Alcoholics Anonymous. And that was the 2nd day of May 1979. And I got introduced to you.

I'd like to ask you guys to do something just for a minute Because what we have to offer, what I was given at that meeting was a spiritual solution to this problem, this alcoholism, this disease that's devastated my family and which had blown my life apart. So what I'd like to ask you to do is to just close your eyes for 1 minute And think about the first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous that you walked into and go around the room. And look at them. There was Butcher Joe, and there was China Joe and there was Smilin' Pete and there was Sam Tapp and there was Kathy Cressop, and there was Joyce, who'd just gotten released from the Nuthouse that morning and had made it to the noon meeting instead of going to the tavern. And everybody was thrilled that she was there.

And I walked into this meeting and people started talking at me. Now why were they talking at me? Well you could tell that I spent a lot of money getting my hairstyle all about 6 months ago. And when my hair is long I kind of look like the sphinx. And my fingernails were long and my teeth were green and I hadn't had enough to drink yet today and I got the zepzeps going on.

When I'm, you know, light a cigarette it looks like I've called in a napalm strike. And I'm doing the I'm doing the newcomer, thing of going to when I get when I get to get a cup of coffee, it looks like I'm doing all 12 field events. You know? And, and the 3rd guy that talked was this guy by the name of Butcher Joe, and you can always tell Butcher Joe. Right?

And he looked right through me and he talked about when the family left, how he cried the big crocodile tears, and inside, he's going, yes. Now we can drink. There isn't anybody that's gonna get in our way. I understood that. And Joe knew just how deeply to cut himself, that they couldn't put a butterfly on it.

They had to take him and get a couple stitches. And he could get a drink when that happened. And he'd do it because he needed the drink that bad. And he looked right through me and he said, you don't ever have to feel the way you feel about yourself ever again if you're willing to do the things that I've done. And I bought the package.

I bought the package. How did he know? See, I'm a geek. I'm not a computer adept. When I'm drinking and I need to keep drinking and I run out of money and I can't go in the pool in the in the in the pizza parlor and hang out like I'm gonna be getting something and steal the beer that people leave on the table.

And, I go into a bar and I will eat a beer glass. I will set up a bet with the bar bartender and we'll get everybody in the bar involved, and I will eat a beer glass so that I can get enough money, so that I can keep drinking. I mutilate myself in order to keep drinking and I haven't had to do that in almost 29 years. And how did that happen? Before I walked into that room, drinking was like breathing to me.

Now the man who sent me to Alcoholics Anonymous, notice he didn't take me to a meeting. Well see, this guy had 12 years sober and he'd had 10 years sober. And that man was not a member of Alcoholics Anonymous the day he 1217, nor was he for the rest of his life. And that man saved my life. I think there ought to be a wing in our own personal alcoholic halls of fame for the women and men who died so I could stay sober, or who carried the message to me and then were never there again.

So I'm in this meeting. And after the meeting, a miraculous thing happened. There were 4 guys who were going down to the beach to play cards. It's in Manhattan Beach, California. To play cards and look at girls.

And they invited the new man along for a little entertainment. And they explained Alcoholics Anonymous to me. This is AA kid, we don't use no dope here. What? I was horrified.

I don't know if I would have gone to my first meeting if I would have known that. But I got in that first meeting that I was alcoholic, and they burned into my consciousness that it was the front drink, that I had to stay away from the front drink by any means possible. And they schooled me because they told me that, you know, there isn't anything they told me about primary purpose meetings in the sixties in in California. And that people just didn't drink and they got to do other stuff, but nobody could stay sober over 5 years. They all went back to drinking.

People died so we could learn this. And they explained to me that, you know, there wasn't anything inherently bad with me smoking non habit forming marijuana, But that sooner or later I'd have to cut the cotton mouth. You guys all know how you cut cotton mouth, right? You drink a little beer. And that's not drinking, it's just cut they said that was drinking.

And when you're doing that Peruvian marching powder, you need a double Bombay on the rocks with a twist, right, just to take the edge off. It's not drinking, it's just taking the edge off. They said that was drinking. And if you're getting spiritual and you're dropping a little LSD, right? Don't you love these ceilings?

You need about a gallon of Red Mountain just to settle through the experience, right? And they said that was drinking. Who knew? They told me that if I went to the pharmacy and the product was sold with a shot glass on it, I couldn't use it because it probably contained alcohol. How did they know?

See, I'd been stuck in places like Idaho where they didn't serve booze on Sunday, you know, and it's, oh, thank heaven for 711 and you go and get a bottle of NyQuil. Come on, honey. We'll just pretend it's creamediment on the rocks. And they also told me about in in our book, did you know that they talk about, that doctor Silkworth talks about nonalcoholic beer in here? You know why they call it nonalcoholic beer, don't you?

Because it's not for alcoholics. It's got alcohol in it. And in the in the doctor's opinion, Silkware says, the only therapy that we have to suggest for these allergic types is abstinence from alcohol in any form whatsoever. Does that need to be any clearer to anyone? If it has alcohol in it, we can't use it.

You know, I don't keep a little oregano around the house to twist up with people when they show up at the house. So I can, so, you know. I mean, I don't keep a little baby laxative, just to be social. Now I know that I'm from California and I've got some weird opinions and I know that you guys are properly sober at the Parker men's snag but in Southern California occasionally people get all their panties all in a wad about the alcoholic and the drug addict. I wanna share with you that I have discerned the difference between the alcoholic and the drug addict.

And it can be best described in our relationship with carpeting. An alcoholic, we've been out drinking. It's been tough out there. You know? Public napping.

We maybe hit a parking lot or 2. I mean and we get home and, you know, it's carpeting. Oh, it's so nice. And and for those of you who don't know, these these kids that are smoking all this weird stuff, they lose it in the carpet, and carpeting becomes an unending source of hope and joy and entertainment. Now, one of the great lies is that people are talking about how toxic, you know, smoking ice and smoking crack and all that shit.

That's not what the problem is. The problem is the trans fats from the french fries that they're smoking. That's the stuff that really is, you know, twisting these children beyond recognition. So they got it through my mind that the drink bone is connected to the drug bone, so I can't use no dope. Now I know here in the Parker men's stag, there aren't any drug addicts hiding out in Alcoholics Anonymous.

But in case there are, I'm going to do this really slowly. The drug bone is connected to the drink bone. So if it's going to affect me from the neck up, I can't use it. K? Now I'm not speaking about things that are given to you by your physician or your psychologist or any of that.

That's an outside issue. We'll talk about that a little bit later. But if it doesn't have your name on the prescription, it's just a good place to start. So anyway, I go back to this I I go back to the clubhouse, it's a Wednesday noon. I go to the meeting Wednesday night, Thursday noon, Thursday night, God hadn't created morning meetings yet.

And so, I I go Friday Friday morning and and Friday evening I almost drank. I wasn't actually gonna go drink. I was just I left this AA dance, and I was on my way to the, to the stickenstein. Now I wasn't going to drink, I was just going to find a woman who understands. And about Marine Street, the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous happened to me.

This still small voice that I have heard all of my life, but it always sounded like some thin blue lipped, blue haired woman saying, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. It said, This is not a good idea. Turn the car around. And I did. The miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous happened for me.

And I drove back to the, to the meeting and, to the meeting hall. And the guy who was working the hinge, Larry, he I I walked up to him and I grabbed him and I said, talk program to me, please. And he immediately got somebody else to to, to watch the door. And he, and he got me a copy of this book because I'd been too cool to get the book. And he sent me home with it.

And I started reading it. And I'm walking and sweating and smoking because I'm not sleeping in those days. I was surrounded by caring nurturers who told me, look, we really don't want to hear that anymore. Nobody's ever died from lack of sleep. And so I'm reading and I got hooked in the doctor's opinion where Silkworth talks about the sense of ease and comfort that comes from having a few drinks.

Now that's not the way that I would have described it. I would have said, remember when the third one would stay down? And you can light your own cigarette. You can use your own, whole lung capacity. And I kept reading.

And, and I you know, I got into Bill's story. Now I was not interested in World War 1. I did not care about the stock market crash. I wanted something contemporary. I wanted something disco.

Can you imagine how awful it was getting sober wearing that gear? A fellow sufferer. I mean, can you see him in that levant chiffon suit? Oh, God. There were meetings there were meetings in West Los Angeles where you needed 3 gold chains just to get in.

I swear to God. Anyway, so, you know, that's why we don't change it. I mean, can you imagine after you read about, you know, getting sober while listening to Barry Gibb? I mean, god. So anyway, I'm I I I missed that the whole program's on page 13, whole thing.

And so I I I keep reading, you know, more about alcoholism and all that, and I I get into we agnostics. And if you're withdrawing from alcohol, we agnostics is so incredibly, elegantly written. And as I as I'm reading it, I, I have this I I get to the part Fitzmao's story's in the very back, the preacher's son. It's our southern friend in the big book. And, he talks about having all these mental problems and problems coming back from the war and and, insanity in his family and suicides and and and, and he gets down on his knees and he asked god, you know, the the line is, who are you to say that there is no god?

Well, in classical religious language, I was convicted. Now I hadn't been maybe saying it that much, but I've been living like it a lot. And, and so I did what this guy did. It says that he got down on his knees and he and he said a prayer and he had this profound experience. And I got down on my knees and I said my prayer.

And my prayer was this, I don't know from Jesus or Buddha, I don't know from the Talmud, the Torah, the Upanishads, Just please get me the top. I said, I will do whatever these dried up old geeks say to do. Just please help me not to drink. And I believe at that moment I'd done the first three steps of the program with alcohol. It's not necessary.

The prayer was perfect. I'm with you today. I got to the noon meeting. I got there at 10 o'clock because that's when the club opened. I'm sitting on the Naugahyde couch sweating, chain smoking.

This woman comes in. She's got a black dress on, butt in her hair. Oh, young man. You're new, aren't you? How can you tell?

Said, I didn't tell you the secret to Alcoholics Anonymous in four words. What are they? Find God or die. Oh, no. Not that.

Oh, not that. That was during the Carter administration, for Christ's sakes. And I can tell you the secret to Alcoholics Anonymous in four words, find God or die. But this is Alcoholics Anonymous. And when I say, God, I'm not saying what you think I'm saying.

But we must each find 1. We must each find 1. And fortunately, we're an Alcoholics Anonymous and nobody will presume to tell you what kind you got to find. What we have to offer is a set of spiritual exercises which, done not agreed with, will introduce you to a power which will solve your problem. That's what we have in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Well, what about atheists? What about other agnostics? If you need something to meditate upon, meditate upon this. There are no referrals from Alcoholics Anonymous. There is no place to go from here.

There is no place you can walk in and say, AA said they sent me. This is as low on the food chain as there is. You can't go any lower in this lifetime than Alcoholics Anonymous. Everyone is welcome here. Everyone.

And what you believe or what you don't believe is irrelevant. But what we as a society have to offer you is a set of spiritual exercises, and we beg of you to do them and check the results. Make an honest experiment. I got a sponsor at that meeting. What are we doing on time?

Okay. I got a sponsor at that meeting. He, he got me, rolling on the steps. I, I I was reading the big book unsupervised. We could do that in the seventies.

I got to the point in the book where it said, you know, if we don't do an inventory, we're gonna drink. I ran to my sponsor's house. I said, I'm gonna drink. He said, no, you're not. And you know, I will never ever be able to repay that man and his out and on wife.

They saved my life. They saved my life. And, and he said, nah. He said, I want you to go home. I want you to take a look at the door.

I want you to get jacked up on coffee. I want you to look at the door. He said, I want you to, I want you to think about where you lived, where you went to school, where you worked, your family members, bars that you hung out in, people that you stole from, life forms that you worked, that you that you, woke up with, who you hate. He said entire parties are fine for a guy like you. Said, look at the door and then imagine these people walking through the door.

And if they make your stomach tighten, write their name down and you get 3 sentences as to why. Nobody's life's that interesting. Was it a fearless and thorough moral inventory using all 4 cones? No. It was the greatest hits.

I mean, come on. I woke up with a yak. Yak again, yak again, yak again. Come on. What has to be on that first inventory is is all the stuff that's on the rotisserie.

You know, that that when you that when you put your head on the pillow at night, it goes around and around and around, and it's been with you for years. Everybody knows what it is for themselves, and I wrote it down. It took me about 2 and a half hours. He came over the next day, I read it to him, we said the stupid prayers, we burned it. What happened to your roadmap to recovery?

These people were really present in my mind. And I went out and started making amends. I'm 25 days sober and I'm a fully vested member of Alcoholics Anonymous. 28 days sober, guy my first guy asked me to to sponsor him. I called my sponsor up, I said, what do I do?

He said, if they're sick enough to ask you, You cannot hurt them. And in my almost 3 decades of sobriety, what I have to share with you is maybe a little more along those lines, but it is if God sends them to you, you cannot hurt them. You cannot hurt them. You're never going to treat them the way they treat themselves. Bill Wilson worked with 100 and 100 and 100 of people before one guy got sober.

Why should it be any different for you? Why should it be any different for me? It's my intention and my willingness. One last story and I'll wrap it up. When I was about 6 months sober, I went to my my, grandmother, Alice.

Alice had taught me to attend bar. I owed her just a little bit of money. And I came to her and I said, grandmother, God now call us anonymous for helping me to stay sober. Here's some money. Take money.

They're tired of your intention. Here's some of the money that I owe you. There will be more. And she took the money, and she got up and she started moving across the room, grabbed her purse. Where are you going?

She said, well about 4 or 5 years ago, you and I had a conversation and you told me that you didn't believe in God anymore. And I went down to the church, and I put your name on a list, and me and the girls have been praying for you. And I need to go down and report that my grand Spiritual terrorism. It's highly effective. So I'll leave you with spiritual terrorism 101, because we all know somebody that's got a problem.

In 1985, the then, the artist formerly known as wife Jacqueline got sober a wonderful day in my life. And when she got sober and she went out to that first meeting, I said, god, I don't know what Jackie's story is to be. But in gratitude for this moment, every time that I participate in an AA meeting, I will say, God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. And she's sober now, 24 years or 23 years. When she got sober, we picked 3 people.

Her best childhood friend, our friend Jeanne, who hopefully one of these days you'll hear her story. And my sister Regina, who was missing in action with her self employed Colombian boyfriend. And at every meeting, we said that those 3 names, Within a year and a half, all 3 of them got sober. All 3 of them pick up by 1 year k. When you walk into a meeting and you see an empty chair, walk up and tap it.

Say the person's name that you know. Talk to your friends. Ask them to do the same, and don't give up. Keep doing it and watch what happens. Thanks.