Candice M. from Los Angeles, CA speaking in the Southen California Speakers Meeting in San Diego, CA

Now I'd like to introduce our main speaker for the evening, Candice m from Long Beach. Good evening. My name is Candice Moore. I'm an alcoholic. Hi.

And, thank you guys for letting me hang out with you tonight. Thank you to Terry, who is actually the person that called me originally. He told me he wasn't gonna be able to be here, and Patty, who it turns out I had met before at a different meeting, that I was participating in down here. So, amazing that this meeting has only been going for 3 months, and it's just a whole house. That's a beautiful thing.

Some alcoholists who are in need of some recovery, apparently. I'm like, alright now. I'm like, why have I never heard of him? And I go through with him. I'm like, 3 months.

Anyhoo. So, my friend Yvette, I met when I was participating at another meeting. It's, like, 2 years now. Couple of years ago. So anytime I'm asked to, participate in a meeting in this area, we always get together.

We talk, like, almost every day, but we always get together and hang out. And, you know, it's nice. If you're new, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. You've been given the keys of the kingdom.

I hope that you get in the center of what we do here. Because the view from the center will look so very different than if you are hanging out on the fringes. You know? I am so grateful to have good friends like my friend, Yvette. I need a sponsor and I need a good friend who I'm gonna talk to when my sponsor is pissing me off.

When he does not get what I'm trying to say. You know what I mean? I really have the solution. I'm just out of courtesy running it by him, you know, and he's just slamming it down. Anyhoo, I it's funny.

I was do not record that. I was because he knows I'm joking. No. I was talking to him on the way down. He's in Oregon, talking this weekend.

And, you know, there's some things happening right now for me, and they're bringing up a lot of fear, a lot of financial security. It's work stuff. I am going to be resigning because it's just not a good situation. There's been a lot of storms in the office I work in. Some people have been ousted, but, it's not a place I feel safe as an employee and protected.

And I've been in this situation for a while, and it's taken a toll on me. And, I went to the doctor to get checked up because there's been some ailments happening. And they thought I had a blood clot that was going up to my lung. Mhmm. And that's not a good thing.

And so, you know, they rushed me through a CAT scan. He said, I'm gonna walk her down there. And I just, you know, I mean, I I came in because I've been sick. I wanted to get a note to go back to work. That's it.

And, now I'm having a CAT scan and blood clot. You know what I mean? And just just like I'm processing. I'm texting my friends where I am. And, and it was not a blood clot.

So I was just so relieved. But I I have apparently developed some type of disorder that is stress related. You know what I mean? He gave me the term, but that's the deal. And he has recommended a narcotic and I don't take narcotics.

You know? And I I don't need to get into what anyone's views are on that, but I'm gonna share with you because I've opened the subject that when I was newly sober, I suffered from severe anxiety attacks. Severe for the 1st 20 months of my sobriety. Immobilized from 2 to 3 hours. You know, I'd be in my bed.

I couldn't turn my head to the right or to the left. I just felt entombed. And when I would come out of them, it just it was the most devastating thing you can feel. And you just I remember thinking, am I gonna go through this forever? Is this sobriety?

You know? Like, I just was like, what do I and they would just come on. And, it's been a long time since that's happened and they started happening. You know? And so the elements that I've been at, the chest pains, all all of that, I had just made friends with, you know, but it's not normal.

And I know that. So I I I'm gonna have to make some decisions. Just when? I know I'm gonna do it. It's when?

Is it gonna be Monday? Or am I gonna drag it out to the end of the month? You know what I mean? What's in the bank? You know what I mean, Shloh?

So, this is just life on life terms and I've always been taken care of, but it dominates my thoughts. You know, it really does. It dominates my thoughts. So, and my friends have been just very supportive and, you know, right there. And that's what we do here.

You know, we listen to one another. If we have experience, we share it. If not, we just lend an ear. You know, I'm so very grateful. I wanna share with you 3 things, 3 of the most important things for me as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The first is my sobriety date. It's August 16th 1995. I have 12 continuous years of sobriety. And for an alcoholic of my type and I'm a hope to die alcoholic without alcoholics anonymous. For an alcoholic of my type, that time is an absolute eternity.

When I came to you, I wasn't looking for anything continuous. When I came to you, I was just looking for a nap and a bite to eat. That was it. You know? The condition in which I was brought to Alcoholics Synonymous is I was £96 because when I drink, I enhance my drinking with things that keep me up for 8 9 days straight.

And I like it like that. And, so a nutritious meal for me would be a Snickers bar every 3 days. And, when I came to you I have braces now. My mouth is a little sore from my most recent visit. But when I came to you, I was missing my front tooth because I'm a mouthy little to differ with something I had to share.

When I came to you, I didn't have a strand of hair on my head because when I'm drinking and enhancing my drinking for lack of a better term, it produces a tweaking sensation. And so, I thought some things were happening up there. You know what I mean? There was a lot of movement. And I needed to shut it down.

And so, a friend of mine had told me that rubbing alcohol will sterilize anything. And so Yeah. And so, apparently, I'm drinking and doing my thing and they're doing their thing and there was apparently some type of confrontation going on. I sat them down and I talked to him. I would pour the rubbing alcohol all over my head at first.

I said, well, you're up there. You can stay but I'm gonna sterilize you. You know? So and I would pour it all over my head and and it was soothing, really. And then after a while, they became immune to it like a roach becomes immune to rape.

You know what I mean? Too much rape. They're just like bathing. And, so, you know, so I was I was forced. Back was up against a lie.

I had to take drastic measures. I took a pair of scissors. I cut off all my hair. I then took a shaver. I shaved it to the scalp.

I would walk around out there with t shirts on my head like they were fashionable turbans. You know, just making my own statement. And and it was quite the vision, I can assure you. But by the time I came to you, all illusions, all delusions, and all facades have been stripped from me. I was broken and I was devastated from the disease of alcoholism.

The reason I continue to stay in the center of Alcoholics Anonymous is that through application of all 12 steps, equally as important, all 12 traditions, all illusions, all delusions, and all facades are continually stripped from me. If I am to stay with you, I have to get right sized. My life as an alcoholic depends on it because I suffer from a disease that I know for a fact wants me dead. It wants me alone in a room with a gun in one hand and a drink in the other. It's never going to take me away from you when I am in love with you.

It has to go about setting up a series of circumstances and events that make it look as if my case is different. That make it look as if I can't trust you guys. That make it look as if I've made too much of this whole thing anyway that really wasn't that bad. That's why I have to have the second thing in place. My sponsor, his name is Clancy.

He's sober a lot longer than I am. He's a lot more active than I am and I am incredibly active. Always have been in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I came to Clancy at 9 years sober. I've always had very strong sponsorship.

When I came to him, I had wanted to drink for a year. I wanted to drink since I was 8 years sober and it was precipitated by a breakup. I've been in a relationship. It was a bad relationship, but why leave? You know what I mean?

And, and it was, it was verbally and physically abusive and I participated equally in both. Really important that I say that. And, my sponsor at the time would tell me, Candace, you have to leave this relationship. Candace, you are living drunk. I'm talking sober, but I'm living drunk.

And I would say, no. No. No. I can't leave. That's my soulmate.

And so what do you do when your sponsor is obviously tripping? You know what I mean? I gotta go to god because she doesn't get it. Right? So I had to go to god himself.

I would go to god. God, give me a sign. Should I stay in the relationship? The police would come. Not that sign.

Not that sign. So, you know, what do you do when it's just gone down the tubes? We got engaged. And, We were engaged for 6 days, but they were long days. And at the end of that, it was game over and I was in a lot of pain.

That was my first love. You know what I mean? I've been in relationship. That was my first. That was it.

And I thought we were gonna do this deal until we couldn't draw another breath. I really did. And it was just devastating for me. And 6 days later, I was in another relationship. And it was verbally and it was physically abusive.

And the police were back at my house. And the women I sponsor a lot of them I had sponsored for 5 6 years at that time. I had been in their weddings. I had given them bridal showers. I had thrown baby showers for them.

Those women were watching that, and I started losing the women I sponsored. I started losing my sober family because I was so crazy. You know what I mean? I was in so much pain. I was so gone.

And the sponsor that I had that I'd had for the majority of my sobriety was Sid. He has a rare lung disease. And, you know, it was just I didn't wanna leave because I thought you don't leave people because they get sick in AA. But I was absolutely sponsoring myself, and I was nuts. You know?

And, and as a result, a lot of changes happened and I just wanted to die. And I had reached the place because I am incredibly active where I just thought I I knew. Period. Everything. Because what that means is that's a really scary place to be because you're not very receptive, or at least I wasn't very receptive to input other than my own.

And, you know, when I came to Clancy, I didn't know. And it saved my life. I came to him and I didn't know. And under his sponsorship, his uncompromising love for this program, he cares more about my life than my feelings. And I needed that.

He would give me direction that was simple direction, but my ego was so far out there, you know, and that he I would say something and he would say, you were immature and crazy. Click and hang up and I would be I would call my friend. I would just be hollering in the you know what he said to me? You know what I mean? I was just and so I go, what are you gonna do?

I'm like, oh, I'm gonna do it. I mean, I just wanted to get it out. You know? And, and solely but surely because I felt secure enough in the environment because I am around strong, sober, active members, I felt secure enough so that I could just follow the direction. I have to figure it out.

And little by little, I changed my conduct. I changed my conduct. It was imperative. Oh, I was going to die. I was going to die drunk and I didn't want that.

And and the love I had for Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, came back. And throughout this time, I think there was maybe a few months where I I had to cancel everything in my calendar because it was more important that I not drink than I run my mouth in Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you know, I'm just very grateful. I haven't lived like that for a long time. I haven't felt like I wanted to drink for a long time.

Even with this situation, I know that I'm gonna be taken care of. I know that I'm gonna be taken care of. You know, I just have to look at why I've chosen to stay in another bad relationship because they're all relationships. Work relationships, sponsors, sponsor, friends, they're all relationships. So, you know, I I thank God for the 10th step.

I'll tell you. My home group is a Pacific group. It's a very active group. I'm a very active member. For the 1st 10 years, it was Bellflower Bigfoot Group.

I like to be around strong groups, people that are excited to be sober. Because even though when I came to you, all scorecards read 0, if you didn't look like you were happy to be here and we just came because we just didn't wanna drink. You know what I mean? I would just be drinking. So that's, like, the deal.

And so I came, and I was swept up with people that love Alcoholics Anonymous. And more importantly, people that have been here for a while, they've gotten this stuff back and they still make Alcoholics Anonymous a priority. I need to see that. It's important for me to know that I don't just come here, get my toys, and leave. I have a responsibility to give back to the very thing that has saved my life, given me dignity as a sober woman.

It is work to stay here. Anyone that tells you it's not there's no work involved, they're just not doing any. You know what I mean? I'm a sober member. That means I don't drink near beer because I ain't near sober.

You know, these things are really important for me. Like, I bought you know, my friend Scott always says he bought the whole package, and that's what I did. And it and it's a good deal. I wanna read this. Sometimes I read it.

Sometimes I don't. But it's in tradition 3, and it talks about when AA was new. And I remember I had gone through a recovery home, which has nothing to do with Alcoholics Anonymous. But for me, it gave me an opportunity to get safe and be still long enough to hear the message of Alcoholics Anonymous brought in by members who were, a part of HNI, of which I'm also a long time member of, or when we would go to outside meetings. And I remember I was, like, maybe 50 or 60 days sober and I loved AA.

And we were in a a step in tradition meeting, and they was they were reading tradition 3. And I didn't understand. I mean, I have gone through all traditions. I take my babies through them because they are absolutely vital. But I remember at the time, I hadn't yet started the steps.

My sponsor wanted to wait until I was in their sober living portion. And so, you know, I didn't get it, but the heart will respond. And so they were talking about this. It's on page 140. We were resolved to admit nobody to AA, but that hypothetical class of people we termed pure alcoholics.

Except for their guzzling and the unfortunate results thereof, they could have no other complications. So beggars, tramps, asylum inmates, prisoners, queers, plain crackpots, and fallen women were definitely out. It says it says, yes, sir. We've catered only to pure and respectable alcoholics. Any others would surely destroy us.

Now, I don't know about you, but chances are, if I'm pure and respectable, I ain't alcoholic. And they're made so boldly list. What? I'm 4 out of 5 right there. So if all these things were in place, I would never have had an opportunity to come and take my seat in the meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

But if you hang in there with me and we go to the very top of page 141, it says, could we then foresee that troublesome people were to become our principal teachers of patience and tolerance? Could any then imagine a society which would include every conceivable kind of character and cut across every barrier of race, creed, politics, and language with ease. Now they're talking about the Alcoholics synonymous. I know they're just talking about the language of the heart. It doesn't matter what it doesn't matter where I work.

It doesn't matter what my family lineage is. It doesn't matter what my religious affiliation is or if I have one. It doesn't matter what my sexual preference is if I've even figured it out. 1st 2 years are sketchy. You know what I mean?

It doesn't none of that stuff matters. It's war will be revealed. You know what I mean? They're like, she's raiding my inventory. No.

We've all been there. You know? What matters is if you stay with us, there's a solution here. It's outlined in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Get a sponsor that has working knowledge of of that book that has time to take you through it because your life is gonna transform.

When I was little, my grandmother raised me. My grandmother loved me. I know what it's like to be loved and made to feel so safe, so secure, so absolutely protected that absolutely nothing could ever harm me. I know what it's like to have that type of unconditional love because I've had it. I remember at night, I was afraid of the dark and I slept next to my grandmother.

At night, as she slept, I would watch her breathe. Depth of love I had for my grandmother. My mom is an alcoholic. She is an alcoholic by her own admission. She was young when she had me.

She was not done doing what it is she needed to do as an alcoholic woman. I didn't understand it then, but I understand it today. My mother is very well endowed. She believes in packing her pistol in her bosom because she's quirky like that. And, the way my mom would communicate her needs and wants is she would call my grandmother up.

I always knew who was on the phone. She would grip the receiver real tight. That little vein would pop out right in the center of her forehead. And my mother would make some incessant demand to which my grandmother would look at the phone and respond, absolutely not. There would go the phone.

Or short while later, my mom would pop over and just shoot out all the windows. Now, let's just say I was real clear. I didn't want what she had. There are other cousins and uncles in my family who also suffer from the disease of alcoholism. But it's not why I'm an alcoholic.

The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous clearly explains to me that when I, not them, ingest alcohol into my system, it's gonna set up a phenomenon of craving that will ensure I will do any and everything I have to do in order to get another drink. The way the disease manifest in my family is through a lot of violence. A lot of members favored shooting. I favored stabbing. Tomato, tomato, really.

You know? So it's safe to say that at some point when we all got together, the police were gonna be present. You know what I mean? Now just because I'm in that mood and because I didn't put my hair on and it's really tight. Yeah.

I mean, just take it off and just lay it on and he'd be like, what is she doing? I'm just, girl, I have to go. So, anyway, you know, I'm going out after this just so I've I've a whole evening plan part of lashes hair. So look. Okay.

So, that was just sidebar. That's more or less fun. Okay. So, anyway you know, because I'm in that mood because the hair is tight. I'm going to just give you, like, a holiday at my mom's house.

So, you know, my mother is a big girl. She's an excellent cook. My mother cooked, from scratch. I don't cook from scratch. No.

No. No. I cook by the box. And the directions on the box must be clearly illuminated if I am to prepare anything. So if it says to measure a quarter of a cup, I must measure precisely a quarter of a cup because if I go a hair over, I have to pour it out.

I have to begin again. Now that's not how my mom cooks. She's like a smidgen of this, a dab of that. Fabulous creation. Right?

So if she's cooking, I simply have to be there. I understand you will get a meal at my mom's house, but it just may come with a little something extra. Okay? The way you wanna gauge when it's time to leave is by the music that's playing. So I would go over, music that's playing.

So I would go over, you know, it's early afternoon and and she's getting her drunk on for sure. But it's okay because the music would be upbeat. You know, the spinners, the 4 tops. And so later on, she's still drinking. Diana Ross and the Supremes.

We're good. We're good. Alright? Now we're it's we're moving into early dusk. We have now arrived at the Sam Cook juncture.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Yeah. Because at the Sam Cook juncture, you wanna get the plate, you wanna get the foil. Like a sprinter, you wanna get limber.

You know what I mean? By the time nightfall hit, Billie Holiday. Time to go. Run. Run.

You know what I mean? Have gotten the plate. Have gotten to the car because what would happen is my mom would be drinking all day, then she'd start thinking. She'd put on Billy. She'd start crying.

And she's only gonna cry for a little bit, then she's gonna get pissed off in one fight. Right? And so you would get a plate. You just might limp out with it. And, you know, it was not a good or bad thing.

It's simply how it was over at my mom's house. When I got into junior high, my friends were drinking and having a good time. I wanted to have a good time too. Very simple in the beginning. But here's what happens for me when I take a drink of alcohol.

When I take a drink of alcohol, I cease to care about you. Matter of fact, I don't care about you before I take a drink of alcohol. Once I take the drink, I'm now inclined to share with you that I don't care about you. You know, please resist the urge to pull me to the side and tell me how I have wronged you. You know, do that whole thing.

Isn't it funny? Your friends would come and, you know, at least mine where they would tell me, like, each and everything I did. And I would just, why? It's what's interesting is that we move past it way before they do. You know?

I'll be like, honey, let it go. You know? And, they would tell me each and everything. And and then I'd wait till they finish and I pause for effect effect mostly. And then I would say, well, that's unfortunate.

You know? I didn't know what type of nurturing they were looking for, but I can assure you I was incapable of providing it. You know, it talks about me in our book. It says that I I step on the toes of my fellows and they retaliate seemingly without provocation. Not only am I gnashing toes, but I'm wearing the highest of heels at all times.

I like to think of myself more of a column 1, 2 type of gal. I live in the who you are and what you did to piss me off. It's not until I come into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, broken and devastated from this disease, then I'm even willing to consider columns 34. What is this affecting? Is it my my security?

Is it my personal relations? Is it my self esteem? Column 4, what is my part? Because it also says, did I not myself set the ball rolling? When I went through that experience I talked to you about, that breakup and and the relationship that followed, I had to take a look at a lot of things.

I was devastated. You know, in that second relationship, that person was not free. They were in a relationship which meant nothing when I'm in pain. They had been flirting with me and flirting with me. And I was faithful to my partner.

And once my deal was done, I didn't care about their deal. And one night, I was in so much pain, and I just wanted to drink and wanted to drink for a while. And I said, if I drink, will you leave me? They said, no. I said, if I drink, will you drink with me?

And they said, yes. There, but for the grace of God, there was no alcohol in the house. And I understand that if you're listening, you may be shocked and offended. But apparently, you're not clear on the nature of alcoholism. This is not a disease of the pretty.

Alcoholism is a disfiguring and a distorting disease. When I am in untreated alcoholism, that's exactly how I behave just like if I were drinking. When I am in recovery, when I am in in application of all these principles, absolutely, I don't think it's a compliment when you're flirting with me and you have a partner. It's disrespectful. Disrespectful to me.

Disrespectful to the person you're with. And it shows that you have not found any honor and integrity in your life. But when I'm in untreated alcoholism and I'm feeling defeated, I'm feeling broken, I'm feeling not pretty, I'm feeling not enough, I think, oh, wow. I must be really special. And so that night, after I had broken up that person's home and we're lying in bed and I want a drink, I'm not going by myself.

See, in Bill's story in Bill's story, I love Bill. And and, you know, thank God Bill didn't do crack because he was so out of you know, just wackadoo already. And, you know, he could not have survived the millennium. But in Bill's story, he's talking about getting his drunk on. You know?

He's waiting for his friend to come over. They're gonna get drunk together just like they used to. And he's thinking of recapturing old times. He says it. But he his friend comes and his friend's sober.

But Bill doesn't care because it says, unmindful of his welfare. See, his friends are not living that way anymore. But it doesn't matter because he is and he wants company. That's how I was living. That's the state that I had deteriorated to sober.

Everything I had learned, I had unlearned. And that's the place I ended up that night. Night. I'll tell you that next day, I was able to reach my then sponsor. She talked to me and she says, I don't ever have a right to jeopardize someone else's sobriety like that.

And she said that what will, spiritual condition. But because I had been living by nothing but ego and self will, my spiritual condition has started to deteriorate. Did my morals and my values. So my conduct was that unbecoming of a sober lady. When it was game over, I was in so much pain.

And that person, my first partner, was not in AA. The second one was. I know what it's like to walk in, hear your name whispered in the roofs. I know all of that because I walked through it. And I was so uncomfortable, but I was so devastated.

It was the best I could do. It was the absolute best I could do. That was the best I had to give. After being with you for as long as I had, yes. You know, and I I ended that relationship and that that individual got drunk a couple of months later.

I don't make anyone drink, but I absolutely am aware of my part. I have since made amends. I don't know if the amends can ever be appropriate other than that I don't live like that today. It's important that if I am with anyone, my behavior shows that I am secure enough with who I am. That I don't need to look over here when I'm here.

Because I wouldn't want that done to to me. I really wouldn't. And so when I went through all this this this devastation, I had to start redefining what happy, joyous, and free meant. You know, we talk about happy, joyous, and free. We just quote so many things that we have no true idea of what it really means if it's not resonating in our spirit.

I had to get clear as to what is happiness? What is joy? How does it feel? What is freedom? In order for me to understand what freedom is, I had to learn what was keeping me in bondage.

You know, and at this time in my life, I'm drinking. I'm doing my thing. You know? I remember my my godmother. You know, I was like, I don't know, 16, 17 years old.

My my godmother had bought a Mercedes. She had had it for 6 months. She was leaving to attend the Black Caucus Conference in Washington. She would be gone for a week. And so she did what any adult would do with her car.

She parked parked her car in her driveway, took her keys, placed them in the candy dish in her home. Only thing missing from that equation was me. And as luck would have it, I was going to a club later on that night. What better way to go to a club than in a How self would debut. How self would how self would debut, how self would be presented.

You know how we are. And so, I'm driving the car consumed with self and I ran into someone else's car. Whoops. Let me tell you something. My hat's off to the person that has a valid driver's license and insurance because it wasn't happening for me.

I may like I was gonna do the appropriate thing, pull over, exchange information. But here's the deal. When I'm drinking, I don't do the appropriate thing. And it was in my car so I didn't have any information to exchange. Also, I had a sneaking suspicion they were gonna wanna arrest me.

Clearly, that was not going to work because I was going to the club later on that night. So so, you know, Now, the whole front end of the car has a permanent grin and I take it. I drive it back into the driveway. Take the keys. Place them back into the candy dish, go upstairs, call my friend, tell her we're taking a cab.

I was going to the club. And I also had an inkling of a notion that my godmother was gonna be none too pleased about the car situation. And, as it turns out, she was quite peeved. She had seen the movie Tough Love. I've never seen this movie.

I don't desire to see this movie. But the effect it had on her was profound. I can assure you. After having seen the movie, she was so inspired. She drew up a contract of things I was expected to do for having wrecked her car.

And I remember as I listened in horror to her, we got what sounded like a 1,000 things. Now mind you, it may have only been 2, but when you're in self one, is too many. And, she wanted me to do things like volunteer my time, give up myself to some charitable organization. I thought, oh, what an order. I can't go through with it.

You know? I just remember the dominant thought being she has insurance. Why is she tripping? You know? That is alcoholism.

That's alcoholism in its in its most pure form. Alcoholism will never take into account it will never allow me to take into account my part in any equation. Ever. It's not gonna allow me to take a look at that I have disrespected her home. I've damaged her personal property.

I have violated her trust. None of that's gonna come to my mind. The the best I can do when I'm in a state of untreated alcoholism, drunk or sober, It's to come up with you have insurance. Why are you coming down on me? Okay.

Alright. So you know what ends up happening? I moved out. That's what happened. Let's say the atmosphere was tense.

And, you know, the following year, I was working in Beverly Hills. I met a couple of people. And one of them gave me an opportunity to work for a record label. When they hired me at the label, they hired me as a receptionist. But I like to think of myself more of a visionary.

Some say delusional. I say visionary. So, yes. Technically, they hired me as a receptionist. Really, I thought they were grooming me for CEO.

You know? And so, what ended up happening is I got promoted. I worked in promotions for a time, and, I worked with a lot of successful artists on successful multi platinum projects. And it was great and it was grand and yada yada. But the more I got promoted, the more I got loaded.

A dear friend of mine, an old timer and Alcoholics Anonymous always says something that hits me to my core. She says, alcohol gave me the wings to fly and then it took away the sky. Alcohol allowed all my dreams to come true. I'm not here because I don't know what it's like to live your dreams. I'm here because alcohol dictated every move I made.

Told me when I was gonna do it, how long I would do it, if I needed to start doing it again. If you would have encountered me during that period in my life, you would have thought I was absolutely the most self assured, confident individual you would ever come across. But I'm gonna tell you that basically, everyday I felt like a little kid playing dress up. It did not matter that I was clad in some of the most expensive designer wear from head to toe. My secret fear was that I was not enough.

My secret fear was that you were gonna find out my mother is an abusive parent who lived in South Central. You were gonna look at me and say, you're not one of us. You don't belong here. Get out. I lived in that.

That's alcoholism. Alcoholism centers in fear, lack, limitation. Not enough. Not gonna make the grade. The road's gonna be pulled out from under you any minute.

I'm so very grateful to the members of Alcoholics Anonymous that have come here, that have taken all 12 steps. I'm so very grateful to them because by their demonstration of these principles in their lives, they show me how to take contrary action even when I feel I can't do it. When I went through all that, the only time I'm gonna participate in those type of relationships and and behaviors is when I don't understand my own work. Although I came to you and I did the work off the bat. And I've always been active extremely active.

In that one area, I had not developed my worth. I didn't know what I was worth. I remember always feeling not pretty enough, not this enough, not that enough. The decisions one makes when they are feeling not enough is night and day different when you understand your work. I had to reshape my idea of a relationship, my idea of loyalty, my idea of commitment.

I had to redefine all of that. And what I had to learn is that right here, right now, I am enough. What I find is if I stay in any situation long enough that is unhealthy, my spirit starts to deteriorate. That's what's happened at work. I should have left.

I kept thinking any day, it's gonna get better. And so now I have health stuff. That's not okay. I have to be happy, joyous, and free. You know what I mean?

And so courage to change the things we can. So, you know, at this point, I'm I'm just living in that world and my grandmother had had taken ill. And my grandmother was everything. She was the cat's meow as far as I was concerned. She was a good lady.

She instilled in me solid values. You know, I remember when I was little, my grandmother would bring home a lemon meringue pie from Marie Callender's every week. She did it because it was my favorite pie. And I remember one night, she had all these old cookbooks. I asked her if I could make a pie.

Now I can barely cook now, so you know. It wasn't happening then, but we didn't know. And so she said, yeah. You can make a pie. We'll go.

We'll get all the stuff. So we went. We got all the ingredients. I have my list. And, you know, what we didn't get is a mixer, and I didn't know we were gonna need one.

So that night, she's, you know, getting ready to go to bed. She goes, you're gonna make the pie tonight? I'm like, yeah. I'm gonna make the pie. So I I'm in the kitchen.

Everything is lined up. And, you know, the filling went well. And then we get to the meringue part. That should be the easiest part of the pie. Right?

So it's just like 3 egg whites and, you know, and beaten. So I got the pork. Right? So I'm beating the egg whites. And I'm waiting for them to get fluffy.

And, I'm beating them. I'm beating them. They're not getting fluffy. Right? I'm getting a little tired.

I'm 11. And so, you know, so I start improvising. At this point, we're gonna get them fluffy. And so, put some more sugar in there and beat them. They're not getting fluffy.

Put some cornstarch in there, you know, because it had to white. And, I put vanilla extract in there. I think I just said vanilla. And, I'm beating them. I'm beating them.

I picked some ice cream. You know what I mean? And so at the end of this whole deal, it was like meringue ish. And, so I finished it up and I went to bed. I just put it behind me.

It's over. I was traumatized. And so, the next day, you know, we had eaten lunch and everything. And, she asked me she goes, did you make the pie last night? And I go, yeah.

But it didn't come out good. Now the funny thing is she had been in that refrigerator, like, 5 or 6 times, but she didn't recognize it. And And I didn't think about that till a couple of years ago. I'm like, she had been in the refrigerator. And so I said, it didn't come out good.

And she said, that's okay. Give me a slice. And I said, no. Right? I love my grandmother.

I'm not gonna give her any of that pie. I'm not even gonna eat this pie. And she said, no. That's okay. Give me a slice.

So I thought she was gonna do what grandmothers do. Take a bite. Say, oh, don't worry. It'll be better next time. And so I, you know, I cut her a slice.

And what she did is she ate the whole slice. That's unconditional love. The only time I've ever experienced that is with her and when I came to you. So when I found out my grandmother died, actually, I didn't have any emotion whatsoever. I look back throughout my drinking history.

I didn't have any emotion connected to anything at that time in my life. I was always so preoccupied with getting drunk, staying drunk, how you were gonna get me drunk that I just never was in the moment. I was never present. And I remember, I went home and I don't know the timeframe but I remember looking at my stuff and my stuff no longer being enough. At that time in my life, it was very important, my stuff.

Very important. The label I worked for, the position I held, the friends I had, the private parties I attended. My friendships were not based on shared goal and common ambition. They were based on you're cute. I'm cute.

We need to hang out. No depth and weight needed. Don't even bring it up. You know, I came from a world of smoke and mirrors. I came from a world of talk so fast and dazzle them.

They don't see what's really going on. It's not until I came to you broken and devastated that I learned it's an inside job. My dear friend, Lynette always says, if you don't go within, you will go without. Do you hear like a I'm like, shut up. I'm talking.

We had this conversation in the car, you know. Is it is that I'm not doing something? Stop it. Oh, okay. So I tried to ignore it, you know what I mean?