The 8th Marijuana Anonymous Convention in Seattle, WA

This is just unbelievable. And the quantity and quality of of sharing and just of reality that's been in these rooms the last 2 days is unbelievable, and I love it. And I have watched Mary and, the committee chairs and the planning committee for this convention working week after week, month after month, for it seems like forever to put this together. And they've done an awesome job. And I just want to acknowledge them and thank all of them for the work they put into this.

You guys are awesome. One more congratulations is in order and to all the present and past delegates and trustees and all the members of this wonderful fellowship, congratulations on getting Life With Hope 2 out. My first 12 step workshop was with life with hope 1, and it was a great experience led by my sponsor, David. And, I'll always cherish my version of life with hope with the spiral bound, all marked up with notes. But this is awesome.

And if you don't have it, get it because this is our story. And I'm so proud to have it. And I'm so proud to be a part of this fellowship. When I walked in the door to my first MA meeting, you might have looked at me and thought that my life was pretty good. I had a law degree.

I had a home. I had a beautiful girlfriend. I had a job. I drove a car. You know, outwardly maybe I had the signs of of functionality of some degree of success, of some degree of accomplishment, but I was dying inside.

And I had been dying inside for a long time. I was in a lot of pain and I wanted it to go away and I didn't know how to make it go away. It hadn't always been that way. Oh, Connie left her tissues just in case. Thanks, Connie.

It wasn't always like that. The first time I got high, I was 13, and I was visiting my dad in Florida. And, for 3 weeks, the 3 weeks a year, I got to see him. And, he had been bugging me for the whole time to go go meet my partner's son. He's about your age.

You'll have a good time. You'll like it. I wasn't into it. I was angry and depressed and confused and 13. And, finally, I said, alright.

I'll meet this guy. You know, I'll go. His parents were away, inviting me to spend the night over there. I thought, okay. Fine.

Well, he pulled out a bag of pot and was like, I'm gonna get high. I got this from my older brother. You wanna get high? I was like, what's that? You know?

He said he said, well, you know, no pressure. I'm gonna get high. If you don't wanna get high, that's okay. But I'm doing doing it. I'm gonna do it right now.

So I was like, well, alright. I'll try. That night, we smoked so much pot. He broke out like a regular tobacco pipe and we just packed it and packed it and packed it and then smoked some joints. And then we got into the liquor cabin, and it was ugly.

But then we went swimming. But, you know, it was unbelievable. It's like, I found this euphoria. I found this some people say they don't get high the first time. I can't relate to that.

I was as high as I've ever been in my life, and it scared me because it was so powerful. It was so intense. It was so unlike anything I had ever experienced before. And a few days later, I went back to New York to my mom and, I knew people that I supposed got high, but I was scared and I I was afraid where it would lead and so I didn't do it again for about a year. I don't know why I decided to do it again.

Probably I missed the feeling because it was unbelievable and there was nothing in my life experience that came close to the feeling I had the first time I got high. It's not that I was particularly in a lot of pain. I mean, I had problems in my life. There was some dysfunctionality in my family, but so does everybody. You know, I think I was a a fairly well adjusted normal suburban 13 year old or 14 year old.

But, you know, the allure became too much. And so I started hanging out with people that got high, and I got high with them. And it wasn't the focus of my life. It was just something I did once in a while. And then once in a little bit shorter while.

But it was always something that supplemented my life. It wasn't my life. You know, we'd play music in somebody's basement, you know, and and we'd get high. We'd listen to music and get high. We'd go out and and do something and get high.

But getting high wasn't the subject of it. Well, somewhere along the way, and it didn't really take too long, getting high became the activity. You know? And it was we knew it was it was wrong. We knew there was something wrong right from the beginning.

We talked to each other on the phone, what do you want to do? I don't know. I can't think of anything. What do you want to do? I don't know.

Let's get together and get high and then we'll figure out what we want to do. Well, you know, sometimes we go to the arcade and drop some quarters in video games. Sometimes we just hang out and get high and get higher and get higher. I think I was always I always had a tendency to be a little selfish. You know?

I I wanted things my way. They tell me a story when my sister was born. She's about 2 years younger than me. They brought her home from the hospital and put her in the, playpen thing. I gave her my pacifier.

And I waited about 10 seconds and she didn't pick it up so I took it back. I wanted things my way. And all of a sudden, as a 14 year old boy, I found I had power over how I felt. You know, If I wanted to feel high, all I had to do was smoke a little pot, and I was high. Wow.

I'm the master of my destiny. And it it was great. It was a revelation, and I was off to the races. And from that point on, I got high whenever I could. I got high before school.

I got high during school. I got high after school. I didn't immediately abandon all my activities. I was in the school orchestra. I acted in some plays.

I played some sports. I did some other things. And for a while, I tried to do them high. And 1 by 1, my social activities became incompatible with my need, and it was already a need to get high. And so 1 by 1, I abandoned them and the friends that were associated with them and all the experiences that were out there for me.

And I narrowed and narrowed and narrowed my world and my life until it was just me and a small circle of friends getting high all the time. We had a new activity that we developed to fill the time Because just sitting around and getting high, even though it felt good, it was getting sort of old. So we got a map of my hometown. My hometown is about 30 miles northwest of New York City, a little town called New City of about 50,000 people. We got a map of the town, and we got a bunch of colored highlighters, and we put a set in each of our cars.

And the objective was to highlight every street on the map. In order to highlight a street on the map, you had to pull over on the side of the road. Now you couldn't do a corner and get 2 roads at once. You had to be in the middle of the road somewhere. You had to pull over and come to a stop and park on the side of the road and smoke a bowl until all that was left was ashes.

If a cop drove by and you panicked and drove away before it was done, you couldn't highlight the street. I had hoped to have that map here tonight. I don't. But it's about 90% full. And this started around junior year in high school.

And when I came back from college on vacations, I'd get together with my old buddies, and we'd fill in the blanks. And where there were new streets that didn't exist when we were in high school, we drew them in and then highlighted them. Eventually, we pulled out different color highlighters for schools and churches and libraries and other buildings so we could fill in this map. This was my social life in my junior and senior year of high school. I thought it was cool.

I see here in high school, I went to Manhattan with with a friend, and we we spent the day and we were driving back, and he was driving. And I wanted to get high. We had been smoking all day, but I wanted to get high on the way back home. And he, lightweight, didn't wanna get high while he was driving. So I said, well, get off the road then and pull over, and we'll get high.

So any of you from New York, we were going north on the Palisades Parkway. We got off at exit 1 in some ritzy upscale neighborhood in New Jersey, went about one block from the off ramp and pulled over on this street with big houses, and we sparked up a bowl, and a police car drove by while we were smoking. And I turned to my friend. I have such a vivid memory of this. I turned to my friend and I said, I am so impressed because a few months ago, if you saw a police car drive by, you would have been out of here like that.

But you just sat there and continued smoking the bowl, And I'm impressed by that, man. You have balls. Well, 1 or 2 hits later, we were surrounded by 4 police cars with their searchlights all focused on the car, and I wasn't so proud of him anymore. I was scared. I was 17 or 18, had never had any run ins with the police, any problems with the law.

I was a good kid. I just liked to smoke pot. Nothing wrong with that. I wasn't breaking the law. Well, I was breaking the law, but I wasn't doing anything wrong.

They got us out of the car. They tore everything out of the trunk. They lifted up the carpeting in the car. They harassed us for about 40 minutes. In the end, we didn't have very much.

I mean, we had like half a gram and some of it was small. They laid it on top of the car, my little mini bong and and and our lighter, and then the pipe, and the little dime bag with a little bit left in the bottom. And eventually, they said, you know, go back to New City, and don't ever see don't ever let us see you in our town again. And we got in that car as fast as we could and drove away. And I've seen in cartoons, in movies, when a character is scared, they shake like this.

And I always thought that was just dramatic license that that didn't really happen. But let me tell you, we were both shaking like this, and we had 1 cigarette left between the 2 of us. So we're back up at the Palisades Parkway, driving north, passing the cigarette back and forth, saying, we're never gonna get high again. Never gonna get high again. Well, the next day, I was in my dealer's basement getting high again.

Of course, there was no other way to live. That was all I knew. That was what made me happy. That was who I was. I stayed at home for 2 more years and went to community college.

Eventually, I transferred to a 4 year university. And how many of you have quit smoking pot more than once? How many have quit more than 10 times? Okay. My cycle of quitting or attempting to quit or saying because I wasn't gonna smoke anymore.

I wasn't gonna smoke pot anymore. I wasn't gonna smoke cigarettes anymore. That I was done with that. Well, my roommate wasn't very pleased with me because it didn't take very long to go back to the old habits and the old ways. I didn't need any disappointment, although there were disappointments in school.

I didn't need any traumatic experience. It was what I knew. It was what I did. It was what I was. So I continued to get high.

And when I couldn't afford to get high anymore, I found a way to get myself high by getting people high. Well, new school, I tried to quit. Didn't last very long. Got out of school, got a job, tried to quit. Didn't last very long.

During school, during work, new relationships with women. I'm gonna quit. You know, for some reason, I didn't meet women who like to get high as much as I did until I got into this program. Looking back, I guess that's a good thing. But it was the same pattern over and over again.

This is an important thing in my life. It's important to me. I'm reaching for my dreams. I'm reaching for my goals. I'm not gonna get high anymore.

Oh, well, okay. But only at the end of the day. Well, alright. At lunchtime, but not in the morning. Forget it.

I'm getting high on the way to work. I'm getting high on the way to my date. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. And none of these attempts at quitting I don't think, I don't think I ever made the decision to quit really.

I just wanted to control it. I just wanted to smoke when I wanted to smoke and not all the time. And I couldn't do it. I'd buy big bags and break them up into little bags and scatter them all over my house. And then I'd go 1 by 1 by 1 and pick them all out and smoke the whole bag in 1 night time and time again.

And it was so discouraging. It was so discouraging. When I graduated from college, I moved back home. My first job was a well, even before I got my first job, I I lived in the basement of my mom's house. I got high all day and watched TV.

When anybody yelled down the stairs to the basement to try and talk to me, I'd either ignore it or snap back at them. I was irritable. I was depressed. I was angry. I was getting high all the time.

I was running out of money. So I got a telemarketing job. It was okay. You know, it was enough money for me to keep getting high, but I was miserable, and my family was scared, and my friends were scared. Even my friends that got high with me were scared.

There was something wrong here. So eventually, they persuaded me to go to a medical doctor. And I went to my doctor, and I said, doctor, I'm just overwhelmed with anxiety and depression, and I just can't deal with life, and I don't know what to do. I didn't say, hey, I smoke pot all day every day because I didn't want the doctor to tell me to stop. I needed help.

I was asking for help in the only way that I had the courage to do at that time. And the doctor gave me some antianxiety medication, and I took it for about 3 months with my pod. And amazing. The anxiety went away. I felt better.

I got a job as a paralegal in New York City. I worked there for 2 years. It was great. All of a sudden, I I remembered what it felt like to be relaxed and to be happy, and I thought, I found I found an easier, gentler way. I didn't have to quit smoking pot, and that that feeling went away.

It did for a while, but it didn't last very long. And I just went back to my old habits really fast. Eventually, I got tired of the job. I said, fuck you to my boss, and he didn't like it. And it affected my bonus when I left, But it was worth it.

So I decided to come to Seattle and go to law school. Why Seattle? Looking back on it, I think it's because it was so far away from anybody I knew. Now I wasn't pulling a geographic to try and quit smoking pot. I was moving to Seattle so people would stop bugging me about smoking pot.

You know, nobody here knew I had a problem or even thought I had a problem or frankly cared about me. And so I could come here and do whatever I wanted, and nobody would care. And that was what I wanted. Now it wasn't the reason I had in my head when I came out here was because Newsweek Magazine said Seattle is the best place to live in America. Maybe that had something to do with it, but it was far away.

And and honestly, I've been clean four and a half years, and I still am glad that I'm so far away from my family, although I enjoy seeing them now when I do. So I packed my bags, I packed everything I owned into my car, and I drove from New York to Seattle, back and forth and back and forth and back and forth across the border with Canada with an ounce of pot. I was invincible. I crossed 2 or 3 times and didn't have any trouble at all. So I got careless.

I spent the night in a town called Portal, North Dakota. This town is a main street with a post office and a saloon, which doubles as a hotel also, and that was about it. About a mile from this 24 hour border crossing into, Saskatchewan. Well, I got up that morning, got into my car, smoked a bowl, put it away, drove to the border crossing. Well, the the border guard, you know, fortunately, I was going into Canada, not coming from Canada, into the United States because they're pretty cool about these things in Canada.

The the customs officer said he found a seed under the gas pedal in my car and asked if anyone had ever used any drugs in the car. He said, you know, know, I just bought this car. I mean, people maybe have used drugs in it. I don't know. He said he asked me a few times.

He said, alright. Here's the deal. No matter how you answer this question, we're gonna search your car. We're gonna take everything out. We're gonna open it up.

We're gonna go through all this stuff, and we're gonna do this regardless of what you say. So I'll ask you again, are there any drugs in the car? No. Any drugs in the car? No.

Any drugs in the car? Okay. I'm weak. So, you know, I said, Yes, there's a little marijuana in the car. There's some over here, there's some over here.

Now leave me alone. Yeah. Well, they searched the whole car anyway, took everything out and opened it up and went through it and they found my, what was, like, 16 grams left over and all the paraphernalia I had accumulated over the year, pipes from Israel and Mexico, and handmade bombs that, you know, my sister's boyfriend's brother made. You know, I mean, the artifacts of a lifetime. They were gonna cuff me, but I was like, come on.

You have my car. I'm in Saskatchewan. Where am I gonna go? You know, I wasn't shaking like this, but but I was scared. I was on my way to law school.

You know, they strip searched me, and they said, you can call the US consulate or you can call a Canadian lawyer. I I said, let's keep the US out of it. I'll call a Canadian lawyer. He said, what were you thinking? Pot's easy to get in Canada.

I swear it's true. So the the mounty there are mounties in Canada. The mounty came down. It took him an hour to get from the nearest town. Regina, the the capital of Saskatchewan.

So I gave him a $100 Canadian and they gave me my car back. What is that, $60? Now, this guy is like 7 feet tall with his big mounty hat and a big bushy mustache. And I was like, oh, I'm in trouble. So they had me get in my car and follow this guy to the nearest town.

And I'm sitting in the car thinking, maybe I could make a run for it. So I got to the town. He puts all my stuff in this plastic evidence bag, and I'm looking at it thinking, maybe he'll give me just a little bit back for the road. You know, I didn't feel any regret. I didn't feel any remorse.

I didn't feel that I had done anything wrong. I was angry at the man for interfering with my life style, which wasn't hurting anybody, and I didn't learn a thing. I didn't learn a thing. I went from Saskatchewan to Seattle as quickly as I could and found somebody that could hook me up with some pot. And I got high, and I kept getting high, and nothing changed.

Sometimes I wish I was one of those people that, when they get high, can't function at all. Mhmm. Because I think it would have been a lot easier for me or a lot quicker for me to realize that I had a problem. But, you know, hey. I'm going to law school.

I'm getting decent grades. You know? I'm on my own. Everything's cool. Don't tell me I have a problem, so what if I can't stop smoking pot?

I don't wanna stop smoking pot, so it's not a problem. And so you see, somewhere along that way, I gave up trying to quit smoking pot. I surrendered. That's what they say to do in this program, right? Surrender.

There's the wrong kind of surrender. I said, You've got me marijuana, I'm yours. You know, and I just made sure I never ran out, that I always had 2 or 3 sources, and didn't try to stop or even try to control it because it was just too painful. I just couldn't do it. And so I still woke up every morning feeling like I was somehow being punished by having to live another day, and I'd smoke a bowl before I got out of bed.

Didn't matter if I was in school or when I got out of school. I got a good job. It didn't matter. I mean, I felt like such a fraud. I was stealing money from my boss because I wasn't there.

I wasn't there. You know, I'd be like, I don't want to get high. I don't want to get high. I don't want to get high. Day after day.

And I hated it, but I knew I couldn't try to quit because I'd only fail again, and I didn't know if I could stand it. Somewhere along the way, I met a beautiful girl who fell in love, and we moved in together. And, you know, it's easy to trick yourself into believing that you're not hiding when you live alone. I'm just hanging out at home. I'm not hiding.

But when you live with somebody else, then you know you're hiding. And I get up before she did and go into the back room and, you know, blow a couple of bones before I went to work while she was asleep. Thinking she didn't notice. I'd come home at lunchtime to get high. And if she was there, I had the choice of either getting high at lunchtime before I went back to work and letting her see how pathetic and weak and out of control I was, or sitting there and eating my lunch for 45 minutes, resenting her for being there, getting in the way of my habit.

It was sick. Neither of us thought that pot was the problem. You know, it was a lifestyle. When she went to Colorado State, everybody there got high. So it wasn't a big deal.

But the big deal was that the depression and the anxiety were back, and they were more powerful than ever, and they were getting worse, fast. And Beth one day said to me, you're spending so much time worrying about me and trying to solve my problems, and you're not taking care of yourself. You know? You're a wreck. Why don't you put some energy into you?

She didn't ask me to quit smoking pot. If she had, I'm gonna walk out. She never asked me to quit or put any ultimatums on me or anything. So I went to my doctor, my medical doctor, and I said, Doctor, I have a problem. I'm overwhelmed with anxiety and depression, and I smoke pot all day, every day.

And it used to work, and it doesn't work anymore. And I don't know what to do. And I want you to give me some drug that's gonna make me feel better. And she did. She did.

She gave me an antidepressant, one of the older ones that they know won't interact badly with marijuana because I was still using. And she said, you know what? You could probably use some counseling. I'm gonna refer you to this guy. Go see him.

I thought, okay. I'm depressed. I could probably use some counseling, so I made an appointment. And I walk in the door, and they say, oh, before your first appointment, you have to have an assessment. Okay.

So I sit down in this assessment. They're like, how many times a week do you smoke pot? What? What kind of assessment is this? I'm depressed and anxious.

Why are you asking me about drugs? Well, I realized this was a chemical dependency assessment, and I decided I was gonna lie my way through it so they wouldn't think I had a problem. So I was like, I only get drunk 2 or 3 times a week. You know? I only get high every other day.

I don't have a problem. I thought that was normal, you know? It's sad, but it's true. We went through this assessment. This was a Monday.

We finished it like 4:45. They said, you know, you have a you have a dependency problem with marijuana. I was like, no shit. And they said, and we think you're also you fit the profile of a mid stage alcoholic is what they said. And I was like, well, we'll talk about that later.

And they said, we want you to get into our outpatient program, our intensive outpatient program, it starts in 15 minutes. Or you can go home and come back in a week. Well, I didn't have much pot at that time, probably about a gram or so. And it had been sitting at home, and I had been planning all day to go to this mental health assessment and then come home and get high. But something clicked.

The way I was living wasn't working. I had been unhappy for so long. And all I had been doing was doing what I wanted to do, doing what I thought would make me happy and I was miserable. And I knew I needed help. And I said, okay.

I'll start in 15 minutes. And I called Beth and said, I have a stash here. I have a stash here. Here's my bong. You know, there's some beer in the refrigerator.

There's some liquor up in the cabinet. I'm gonna be home in about 4 hours. Get rid of it. And I was on the phone in the lobby of this building crying because I wasn't even giving my longest companion and best friend a proper goodbye. And she was crying because I was crying, and it was a dramatic, traumatic experience for both of us.

But I did it. I did it. I started treatment that day. When I came home, it was all gone. And, there were a couple of close calls, but I never went back.

So I figured, okay. You know, maybe I can do this. Maybe I can not smoke pot and not drink. That was a condition of this treatment program, by the way. You You don't have to acknowledge that you have a drinking problem, but you can't drink.

Okay. I can do that. It's like a 12 week program. No problem. Eventually, I went to my first MA meeting.

I found it through treatment. Thank god. I had a really bad day that day. I showed up about an hour early and sat sat on the grass outside the church, waiting for people to show up, waiting to come in. And I was so filled with anger and fear and rage and confusion and despair, and I thought that I'd always feel that way.

And I walked in the door, and Tom was there. And he said, Hi. I'm Tom. I never have a bad day. And when I do have a bad day, it's because I need to get a new definition for bad, or I can just start my day over.

And I was like, Where does this guy come from? You know? But it was obvious that he had real serenity in his life. He had joy in his life. Regardless of his circumstances, he had peace.

He had contentment. And I knew I'd never come close to that. I knew I'd never get half or even a fraction of what he had, but I wanted just the tiniest bit of it because I thought I'd never feel any of it. I thought I would always have this big hole, this big longing inside me, and I'd still feel lonely and angry and confused and also desperate to get high. But what I got that very first meeting was a little bit of hope, a little bit of hope that it might get better, that there might be something here for me.

What I had been doing for so long wasn't working, and I was willing to try anything. They said get a sponsor, so I got a sponsor, and then I didn't go back for 6 weeks because he might tell me to do something. I wasn't ready. You know, when I have learned that when I'm ready for a step, when I'm ready for something to happen in this program, it happens. And when I'm not ready, I can't force it no matter how much I want it.

You know? And gradually, I learned it's the same with all aspects of my life, that when it's supposed to happen, it'll happen. And I can't make it happen just because I want it to happen. And that brings me to my second sponsor, because I came back 5 weeks later and the guy said, maybe you don't want me to be your sponsor, why don't you join this guy? And I did, and I met him, I said, you know what?

I'm powerless over marijuana, and my life is unmanageable. Let's talk about step 2. I thought I was looking for God all that time. You know? But I am the son of a science teacher, and I had a rational explanation for why there was no God at every turn.

I wanted so much to have faith in something besides marijuana and myself, And it took a long time. I don't know if it was my childhood prejudices or whatever it was in my background. It was so hard to let go of all my rationalistic arguments as to why there's no God. At this you will sing, I wanna believe, but there's no God. You know, my sponsor was very gentle with me.

He said, you want evidence of god? Look around. And there's Puget Sound in the mountains and the sunset and the trees. He's like, what more do you need? I was like, I need more.

You know, he said, read We Agnostics in the in the AA big book. And I read it and it was cool. You know? And it talks about how logic gets you just this far and you just have to make a little leap of faith. I wasn't ready yet, and it took months.

It took months months months. But and it was during that workshop, that workshop based on the Life With Hope book, when we worked it as a group, and I was asked the question, are you willing to believe that there's a power in the universe greater than yourself that may be able to restore you to sanity? And I I I searched my soul, and I found out I was honestly able to say, yes. I'm willing to believe that. And, that was a breakthrough.

And the faith the little seed of faith that was planted that day has grown every day since then. And it is the foundation of all the recovery that has taken place since and of every day of my exist since now. Which brings me to another thing my sponsor said to me several times. You're exactly where you're supposed to be. Oh, man.

I hated that. Because I didn't like where I was. It wasn't where I wanted to be. I wanted to be where I wanted to be, not where I was supposed to be. But that's where I was, you know?

I could spend all my energy trying to change where I was, or I could work on where I might be in the future. I didn't get it at first, but thank you, David, because I get it now. And I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. And this day and this weekend is exactly as it's supposed to be right now. And I'm incredibly grateful for that.

There's a couple other people that aren't here that said things to me like that that were just moments of clarity that really I I've carried with me for the rest of my recovery, and I'd like to share them. I'd like to thank Jerry, who's not here, for turning to me in a meeting when I was so angry because my wife was mad at me, and my boss was mad at me, and everything was going wrong, and how dare the world be against me. And I just raged in this meeting for, like, 10 minutes. And then I was done. It's a candlelight meeting, and Jerry was sitting next to me.

And he turned me and put his arm around me and said, first, you must forgive yourself. I didn't know I was mad at myself. I didn't think I had to forgive myself, but I realized, I really started working on it right from that moment. First, I had to forgive myself. Thank you, Jerry.

The faith was essential to my recovery because I couldn't let go of my need to control everything and everyone in my life until I had faith that there was something else out there that was gonna make sure it was okay, that it went the way it was supposed to go. I thought it was my job to make sure everything goes the way it's supposed to go. I was wrong, but I couldn't let go until I had faith. And I was able to let go. And, again, my sponsor helped me by allowing me to share my, searching and fearless moral inventory with him and with God.

And that day was also another turning point because a huge weight was lifted off me that day. I felt a freedom that I have felt every day since then that I never felt before. And I I can't express my gratitude for that to my sponsor, to this program, to the steps, and to all of you enough. And then we got to the 9th step. And, you know, they talk about the 9th step, we read the 9th step promises, and I came into this program, I thought 9th step is cool.

You know, we get freedom. We get lack of fear. You know, we're gonna intuitively know how to handle situations. We're not gonna worry about money. This rocks.

You know? This is great. All these gifts we're gonna get. And we will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows? What the hell kind of gift is that?

How does that benefit me? Well, my brain didn't work that way, you know, but it does now, and it was a learning process. It was a learning process. Early in recovery, my therapist said, I want you to do something every day that makes you happy. Do it just for that purpose, something that makes you happy.

I was like, I've been trying to do that for 15 years. So just do it. So I tried. I really tried, but it left me empty. Everything I did left me sad and depressed and empty.

So I was like, you know what? I'm miserable. I'm making Beth miserable. I'm gonna do something today that's gonna make her happy. Because one of us might as well be happy.

And, you know, honestly, I don't even remember what it was, but I remember I did it. And at the end of the day, she was happy and I was happy. I was like, holy shit. I stopped trying to get what I think I want and start thinking about somebody else, and I got what I wanted. I got what I needed.

You know, that wasn't a lesson that was really well learned that first time. But, you know, you learn with repetition. And I'd go to meetings and people would say, service is an important part of this program. Do service, volunteer for this or that. I was like, don't tell me what to do.

You know, I'm here for my recovery, you know, not to make you coffee. Then I did it, and it was amazing. You know, I secretaried a meeting for a year, and I had to be there every week, not just for me, but for everybody else and for all the newcomers. And for the first time in my life, I felt like I was of some value, not just to me, but to other people as well, that my life maybe had some meaning besides just needing to get high all the time. I still thought about it.

I don't think about it much anymore. I can't say that I never have a bad day, But when I find myself having a bad day, I try and redefine the word bad. And I try and start my day over. And sometimes it works. You know, just like so many other little gems, little words of wisdom, that through my higher power, God, and the help of people in this fellowship, I've been able to get a little understanding about.

And make no mistake, my character defects are not gone. Just ask my wife. You know, I've got four and a half years of pot and alcohol. A year and a half ago, she found out I had been smoking cigarettes behind her back for, like, 6 months. How do you do that?

Well, I I'm good at being sneaky. I'm good at hiding things. These are skills I've spent my whole life developing. You know? And I didn't come clean.

She found out. You know? And I had to make a decision at that point. What's more important to me? Smoking cigarettes or, you know, and being honest with my wife or or my relationship, my marriage?

And, I made it. I made a decision, and I haven't had a cigarette since then. But I've been chewing Nicorette gum for a year and a half. You know, none of us are saints. First, I must forgive myself.

And I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now. I really wanna thank all of you for being here. You have made this one of the most intense, amazing weekends of my life. And I need each and every one of you. And let's enjoy the rest of the weekend.

Thanks a lot.