Deandre M. from Lancaster, CA speaking in Simi Valley, CA

My name is Gandry, and I'm an alcoholic. Yeah. I'm a drink. Why? Oh.

Hey. Looking here. Oh, got a full house tonight. Wow. All the people are here.

Congratulate hi. Hi. How are you? Good. How are you?

Good. Good to see you. Okay. You missed the readings. Just kidding.

Good to be sober. Welcome to the new people. There's a lot of new people here tonight. It's always good to be in an AA meeting where there are new people. It doesn't do very well without the newcomers.

Glad you're here tonight. And and what an honor and a privilege, to not have to stare at my name misspelled all night. That's gonna bother me for here you go. Real alcoholic. My sobriety birthday is May 29th 1991, which means I'll be celebrating 17 years, between now and next month if I don't wind up getting loaded.

This tricky disease might decide to leave AA after 17 years, you know. You never know. It Gets a little uncomfortable around here, and my sponsor's not perfect. So we have to get the heck out of here. I I am grateful to be sober.

I used to live in Simi Valley, a couple of years ago. I lived here for about a year or so. Actually, it was a little less than that. It felt like a year or so. I, it was a great community.

You guys have a beautiful community. It's beautiful here coming over the over in, out of the San Antonio Valley and coming down into Simi Valley. I see they've put this big huge sign up now. It just looks like Simi Valley is just growing, in its own identity. That's beautiful, and, good to be sober.

And I wanna thank my friends for coming out. I I brought some friends along with me here, people that I'm directly connected, to one way or another through sponsorship. But, we've been really doing a lot of lot of meetings out of our comfort zone, which is really nice, you know, because what happens is we start realizing that we can live anywhere we want, you know, with Alcoholics Anonymous. As long as AA is allowed, we are too. And, when AA isn't allowed, I'm not allowed.

You know? And that's how I live my life today by the grace of God, through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. My sponsor is Jimmy Moss, and my home group is the Hermosa Beach Men's Stag, 8:30 on Monday nights at the Hermosa Beach Alano Club, and, I am now the secretary of that meeting. I started calling that meeting several years ago, and I could clearly see that they needed my help. So I decided to take over, and, actually, it didn't happen that easily.

They had to pull my name out of a hat, you know, for me to become secretary. Anyway, I I was born a poor black child, and I just wanna get that out of the way. A lot of people are uncomfortable in the meetings and stuff. And, I grew up in the Jordan Downs housing projects in Watts, which is quite a ways away from here, but, I I love living in the projects. I love being from Watts.

I love feeling, different. Almost get high off of that. The more different I feel, the more, hazy it is for me to deal with reality, and I like to be able to balance all that out with drinking. And, and I love alcohol. Alcohol is a great persuader for me, and I I just remember my mother making alcohol look so darn fun when we were younger.

And, and and she made drinking look recreational, And, and that's what I thought I was doing when I first started drinking, is enjoying myself. And later on down the line, I saw myself sort of, you know, hanging out with people other than my family. You know, I I I I started drinking with friends, and, those friends turned out to be, helpers of, the destruction, that went on. These friends of mine were just really, crazy. And we and we used to hang out all night and and party and laugh and have a good old time.

You know? I loved alcohol in the sense that, you know, even when it wasn't a good time, it didn't matter as long as I was gonna be able to drink, you know. And that's what kind of an alcoholic I am. I don't need feelings or facts to be drinking. All I need is untreated alcoholism, and I'm off and running.

And, you know, part of the insanity of the of the first drink for me is to be dishonest about the fact that I'm about to take it. I gotta fake it because by the time I get into alcoholic drinking, everybody everybody around me knows there's something wrong with my thinking. You know? And I I'm a I'm a sloppy drunk. I start fights and argue and then get beat up and leave and run.

And, and I'm not a barroom drinker. I don't know what that's like. I I hear a lot about that in the meetings, and, I'm sure it was just as horrible as my little around the house stealing from my mom drinking. And, and what happened was, you know, in that community over there, we were just taught to, feel good and look better, you know, at any cost. You know?

And when I first got into rehab, I got chased into a place called Warm Springs Rehabilitation Center, and I thought the fundamentals of sobriety were looking good and feeling better. If you somehow look good and feel better, then you're recovering. And, later on through, pain and a whole lot of discomfort, I realized that I probably needed a little bit more, for me besides lifting and feeling better. And so upon leaving that rehab, I went to a place called the Open Door Fellowship Hall. And over there, I met a man named Dennis Lee.

And, Dennis Lee and I had a little meeting after the meeting, and I was giving him my interpretation of what AA was about because I had just been the steering committee chairman of Alcoholics Anonymous at the rehab I was in. So I just needed to go over with him before I would, allow him to be my sponsor. I needed to go over some of the basic fundamentals of what this program is about. And he proceeded to tell me that it seemed like I knew a lot about steps 1, 2, and 3, because I had completed those step packets up there. But he wanted to talk to me about what he knew about steps 1, 2, and 3.

And that kinda tripped me out a little bit because I didn't know what he knew about steps 1, 2, and 3. You know? And he told me that he was gonna get me started on my inventory. The inventory. The inventory.

You know, and I didn't wanna do the inventory, you know, because I had already seen the steps on the wall at Warm Springs, and I knew that when I read the first three steps and I saw step 4, I knew that meant secrets. I knew that meant the things that I wasn't gonna tell anybody. I knew that those people were not just talking about not drinking When I read that step off the wall, I could see it, you know, and I don't know if anybody in here can relate to that. But step 4 scared me to death, man, because I could see that in step 4, they don't even mention God in that step. They just want me to take a look at my sick, sorry, dying ass life, and I don't wanna do that.

See, because what I do with my life is I blame you for it. I ain't gonna do nothing about it, but I can sit and talk to you about my life and explain to you how it's everybody's fault that I'm not taking responsibility for how my life's turned out. So, I had to do a 4th step the way he, showed it to me in this book, and, you know, it was a really scary, thing to do for me. And I know a lot of people say, you know, don't worry about the 4th step. It's not a big deal.

Well, then I don't believe that those people did a very thorough one, quite frankly. You know? And, my 4th step was very important to me, you know? And, what happened was he read the book with me and we would meet up and he would give me these little assignments. And while all my friends were driving off into their cars and having fun and stuff, I had to sit with this fat, overweight white man from Florida in his Volvo and read the big book and read these assignments.

And AA was not fun for me at that time. I didn't like it. It didn't feel good, you know, but I went ahead and did that work, you know, and, what happened was through that little meeting with him every week, we wound up building a relationship with each other that put a face on Alcoholics Anonymous for me. And by consistently going to a home group and getting involved with those people over there, I actually found a role in AA where I'm a part of a movement and I'm not just fighting with the first straight, that I'm involved in something that far exceeds whether I'm feeling good or not. And this avail availability that the program opened up for me to be here for other people as well as myself.

You know, it's a great feeling to feel apart. You know, and one of the things that he showed me through getting those those, resentments written down and stuff because eventually it was connected to the part in the program where we have to make amends. And to me, when I first heard amends, I figured it meant I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are you sorry?

Hi. My name is Deandre, and I'm sorry. We're gonna we're gonna all start identifying as sorry rather than alcoholic. And he showed me the definition of amend, and it had something to do with change. They don't, I'm sorry, the constitution.

They change it when they amend it, and I didn't wanna change because I needed these reservations that would allow me to feel safe in the back of my mind about probably being able to get lowered again one day. My big book tells me that it's a great obsession to be able to somehow, someday, be like these people who don't have this allergic reaction to alcohol, you know? And, a lot of times I used to think when I was new that the obsession was that feeling that you have when you gotta go to the bathroom and you're finna get loaded. And if you're a newcomer, that's not what they're talking about. It means something different than that.

And, he showed me through the work. Because my big book says too, when we chant, it says the idea that we were like other people or presently maybe has to be smashed. And that carries a lot of depth and weight for me because I've been sober for over 10 years, and a lot of my friends have gone back out and gotten loaded because, they were doing good. There wasn't a cloud on the horizon. They had cleared up all their court stuff.

Mommy and daddy had started inviting them back into the house. They started smelling like a bar of soap instead of a bed of fertilizer, you know, and they started looking good and feeling better. And then they went and got loaded, you know, and I used to think that you had to really put off like a wrecked, image in AA, and then you relapse. And, you know, what I found out is that most of us come here wrecked, but a lot of us leave here because it gets real good. And we get too many years, and we forget about the days we were in when we got here, and we go get loaded again.

And you talk to anybody that's been here for a little minute, and they'll tell you that a lot of their friends don't go back out when it's all bad and miserable. They go back out when it's really, really doing good. You know, somebody crawling back in the bed with you. Get your haircut. I know I get my hair.

Mikey cuts my hair every 2 weeks. I'd be looking good, boy, on the outside and, that that that dressing up a trash can is not a cure for alcoholism. And so with these stomach steps 4 through 9, what he allowed me to do is realize that, you know, I'm clogged up. Right? I'm I'm blocked off from being of maximum service to god and my fellows.

And so with these fears and these character defects, I really don't have time to be trying to help you because I'm running around trying to arrange life to suit myself because I gotta hide all of this garbage, you know. And now I'm in AA around these people that know that an inventory is absolutely necessary. It's one of those weird things we got in AA that we kinda do almost twice, step 4 and 10. And it's really important to take that self examination to a to a really honest level. And and, you know, with steps 4 to 9, it's just like, you know, I don't wanna do that.

When I got sober, I weighed a £110. My, old timer friend at my home group said that if you would have turned me sideways and I would have stuck my tongue out, I looked like a zipper. And part of the insanity of being in AA is we do better. We do better. We do better.

We we do better, man. I even know people that haven't even had to do a lot of step work, and they come in here, man, and they drink this truck driver ass coffee, and they eat these donuts and smoke up your cigarettes, and they look better, man, after 30 days or 30 hours or 30 minutes. You know, they do better. And I'm here to share that doing better is not a cure for alcoholism. You know?

I'm here to share that Alcoholics Anonymous is not a cure for alcoholism. I'm here to share that by taking the steps, I get to be able to stay connected to a daily reprieve. Man, this Cinderella story has disease. It's constantly on me, And I don't mean that in a fearful, uncomfortable manner. I mean that realistically, that in spite of what they're telling me on that job and and all the things my landlord says to me and how the phone people are bargaining with me because I got my phone to extend another day and all of the all of that stuff can be cashed in at the customer service counter at Walmart so I can go get loaded.

See, and I know that all this stuff is on loan today. You know? And I see a lot of people around here trying to take ownership for these things that god is allowing us to use, allegedly, to help be more of service to god and his children. But we take our toys and we go run off into the hills, and we forget about the people that need this help. See my friends doing that.

So basically, what happened for me is when I moved to Lancaster and I got involved with the Open Door, I started realizing that I was a part of a community. You know? And I started realizing that I'm I'm I'm a very sick person. You know? And one of the narcissistic aspects of disease that I have for me is that, you know, eventually I wanna get to a place in my sobriety where I don't need the things that I had to have in the beginning of my sobriety.

And I see a lot of my friends doing that, trying to outgrow AA. See? They're moving on. And then they look down back at guys like me that are just having a panel for 15 years as someone who's hiding in AA. I'm hiding in AA because I'm not flying around looking at you guys precariously trying to figure out how better than I am than you are because you're totally committed to alcoholics anonymous.

Hope I'm taking somebody's inventory tonight. And what I've learned is that, you know, I need this stuff regardless of what they're telling me I have to have out there. And through having a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, I'm not afraid of that today. You know, I go ahead and take the ridicule. I I I mean, you know, the thing is is that a lot of the stuff that I was taught when I was a youngster, especially my concept of god, was given to me by people who had very limited information.

You know? And they were giving me the best they could with what they had to work with. You know? And I can't blame my mother and them for some of these fears that they passed on to me, but I am willing to be honest about those fears and not continue to live in them for them. You know, my mother and them, they act like you're supposed to have a certain attitude about life, and I don't think that that's bad.

It's just that I'm bodily and mentally different from my fellows this evening, and it's just a good idea for me to stick with you people, to not forget that so easily, you know, and, you people properly armed me with the facts, you know, and what I'm sharing is that a lot of this insanity that was going on in my earlier sobriety was just fear of commitment. Afraid of being committed to Alcoholics Anonymous. Because what am I gonna look like? The hole in the donut, you know. The guy that quotes the big book in the meeting instead of holding the meeting hostage with a drunkalog.

You know, the guy that really is reading the big book with other men and women and getting them through the steps. What a boring life some people believe that is. And I don't agree with that. You know, you ought to try it. See?

He he said that he wanted me to lose myself in service. And I said, Dennis, there's people coming to the meetings talking about how they need to work on themselves, and I don't feel that we're really working on me. You know? I mean, I got I'm fearful. I got a lot of stuff going on in my head, and I really need you to spend that extra time with me as a sponsor.

And he would just tell me, I'll see you at the noon meeting tomorrow. Bye. And hang up in my face. Now I know that a lot of people don't like that kind of sponsorship. They need that really deep, you know, you know, so and I think that that's available here too, but I know how I am and I know that I'll use anything to manipulate you into believing that I'm the victim.

I don't want you to believe that I'm the problem. If I can convince you that I'm the victim, then we don't really have to get down to the cause and and the conditions about how I'm really the problem. So I I keep trapped in this sort of victim vortex with my bullshit. And then you can stay there with me, and we can try to do work on me as newcomer after newcomer after newcomer after newcomer just walks by and goes back out there and dies and drinks because I got you with me well over a year sober fixing me, you know, and and we don't have a we we got so much babysitting going on with all these people that aren't getting into sponsorship that the sinking ship is is is these new people that don't get the opportunity, you know. And that's what I try to do today is I try to give a newcomer the opportunity to go through the steps, you know, not just go through my character defects and my personality problems, but really get involved with their own recovery by way of taking the 12 steps.

You know? And I know a lot of people don't wanna hear about the steps anymore in the meeting sometimes, you know, about having a real sobriety date, you know, and like, a real working relationship with a sponsor or some sponsees, you know. And these meetings have somehow turned into little entertainment here and there for a lot of people, you know. And I don't come here for entertainment. I come here because of the grace of God.

I can't drink tonight. I gotta stay sober Instead of complaining about it and being all butthurt with it, I just try to find a way to live through that. And the best way to do it, man, I think personally for me, is to share that stuff with somebody else, you know, and give them an opportunity to get into this book. I'm gonna read something out of here and and and and keep going here. I'm trying to look at the clock back there, but it looks broken.

I'm doing I'm doing really good here. I wanna read something out of this thing here. This is what really, gets me in the big book. I'm on page 34. I know everybody's got their books, and we're gonna read along.

Right? Says, how then shall we help our readers determine to their own satisfaction whether they are one of us? The meetings are open. The meetings are open. The meetings are open.

So the non alcoholics and the hard drinkers are coming in. Earlier in the book, they describe people who are almost like us. They're almost like us, man, but they don't need a spiritual experience to stay here. All they need is a dry date, they can fall in love, they can change scenery or environment, and they're done. Some of us are not like that.

Some of us need a spiritual awakening in order to stay here. I'll read further. The experiment of quitting for a period of time will be helpful, but we think we can render even a greater service to alcoholic sufferers and perhaps the medical fraternity. So we shall describe some of the mental states that proceed a relapse into drinking. For, obviously, this is the crux of the problem.

It says, what sort of thinking dominates an alcoholic who repeats time after time the desperate experiment of the first drink? Friends who have reasoned with him after a spree, which has brought him to the point of divorce or bankruptcy, are mystified when he, walks directly into a saloon. Why does he do it? Of what is he thinking? And see, one of the reasons why I couldn't stay sober when I was out there getting drunk is that I didn't know that I couldn't keep myself sober.

You know, I didn't know that. I just thought I was trying to, fulfill this sort of desire to drink that was beyond my mental control. It just makes it a lot easier to steal from my own mother and smoke cigarettes off the ground when I'm lost in that kind of thinking. It's somewhat psychotic, and I had no idea that it was connected to a physical allergy that I would not stop triggering. I guess I'm talking about alcoholism tonight.

And as a hard drinker, if that's who you may or may not be, you may not have to deal with the reality of all of that. In fact, usually, in most cases, we don't really even hear a lot of the reality of all of that. You know? And what captivated me, in AA after dealing with Dennis was that his textbook example of his drinking and the way he had to do AA, this educational variety, sort of revealed to him over a period of time that he needed God to stay sober. And I didn't want to admit that because god automatically meant religion to me.

The minute I hear god, I hear the church bells and the preachers and them black ladies singing, you know, and that and all of that, you know. And I don't I don't feel like doing all of that. I'm not going to be going to church, you know. And, what happened was he showed me how I could, like, get closer to my higher power and make a commitment to this program and really be involved with not drinking for real. I mean, at work, home and play.

You know, really be involved but not just faking it and having this AA face and then going out there and still being the same person. He really tricked me because I wasn't here for that. I wasn't here to get close to God. I wasn't here to be honest about my disease. I was here because the heat was on.

And I had gotten a little uncomfortable, and I had gotten in some trouble. You know, like drinking always cost me. But it just so happened on May 28th when I called that rehab and Yolanda told me to get on the van and I got on that van, I've been sober ever since, you know, so far. And I chose the next day as my sobriety date because right before I went into that little building, I picked up a roach off the ground to smoke it, you know, to start my sobriety. So I'm not really here through any kind of virtuous, like, attempt to, like, clean up and straighten up and fly right.

You know, once again, I'm here by the grace of God. I can't rely on myself to keep me sober. Based on the way they outline how I get trapped in my thinking and how I always wind up drinking, I need something greater than myself to hold me in AA. And I think I found that today. You know?

And it doesn't mean I don't have character defects. It doesn't mean I always like being in AA. But what it has meant is that I haven't had to leave It's sober. You know, and I wanna share with you the highest rank in the program is sobriety, is sober. You know?

And, the commitments and the speaking and the traveling and going to these meetings and all of this stuff, you know, it seems like somewhat of a sacrifice, and it really is, to my hidden agenda. Because if you would have told me to go talk a little bit, round up as many friends as you can, I believe, where you believe in, and go and visit other people to try to share with them what you found? And we'll give you, a 40 ounce every minute or so that you're there. I would be getting the information on the destination the day before you wanted me to go. But then, hey, hey.

I got an attitude problem. I need some more tangible results. And God will give me those tangible results if I work with new people. He'll show me how this program is literally changing people, and you don't have to wait 16 years either. You know, if you're a newcomer, you can start tonight.

You can get with somebody that has a working knowledge of these steps and is put, and they can join you in discovering more about AA and how you can stay committed. It's really a beautiful thing to feel apart. And one of the reasons why I was going to kill myself at 5 years sober is I had disenfranchised myself from the people that were saving my life. And I got a second job and I was going to school and I was working 2 jobs and going to school at the same time. And I didn't have time for this AA bullshit.

I was too busy. My plate was full, and my sponsor cornered me one day, and I told him that my plate was full. And he told me that my plate was full of shit if AA if AA wasn't the main course. You know? That I was once again falling into the thinking that I just read out of this book.

I'll read one more thing. It doesn't seem like you guys are afraid of the literature. I know I have, Ed. This is out of the chapter called Into Action. And one of the reasons why I don't like this chapter sometimes is because I don't really have a chance to it's kind of like I was talking to Ethan the other day why I don't like math because math is somewhat of an exact science.

But with, English and history and stuff, you can kinda embellish it and move it around and stuff. And I like that. But, but with the chapter into action, he says that, this I'm on page 83. The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.

Yeah. Because now the people are saying in the meetings that they have a choice that they have a choice on whether they're going to do this or not and that they have chosen to do AA now. And I think that's cool, man. If you get some early intervention, you see a disease, you realize how awful it is as soon as you know you got it and you choose your recovery. That's beautiful.

But I'm just here to share that some of us, like myself, our disease has progressed beyond that when we first come here. We don't have that choice. It's been taken off the table. You know? So that far into the steps, they're telling me that this this this this is not a choice, man.

If you're a newcomer, I believe that you are going to stay here and learn how to live sober, or you are going to leave here and learn how to die drunk? Now I know a lot of people don't believe in that, but that's harsh. That's not what they told you when you when you sign your insurance papers after rehab. They have a relapse bonus at one of these other treatment facilities out in the South Bay where if you relapse, they'll only charge you 3,000 on top of the 6 grand you've already given them. It's kind of a relapse super buy relapse now, get one free.

You know? And and my and my AA program is not set up like that. We believe that every potential relapse is is it can be a fatal situation. It's not it's not a joke. You know?

And I I heard they were saying now that relapse is a part of recovery. So what do you say to the guy that's been here for almost 17 years since his first meeting? I gotta go get drunk in order to really have some main part of my recovery fulfilled? I don't think so, partner. No.

You keep thinking that that's a revolving door. You know, I use a dictionary today, and I have not been to any meetings on the East Coast, but I've never been to an AA meeting here on the west side where the meeting hall is covered with a revolving door. It's usually a doorknob or a push handle. Get a dictionary. You know?

And I know that a lot of people wanna use this imaginary revolving door policy in AA, but it just doesn't exist. It's something that the fellowship made up, I guess, to increase the numbers, and I'm not really here to increase any numbers. You know, I wanna share a message with depth and weight, and AA does cool with, like, 2 or 3 drunks, man. We don't need 2,500,000 people for real. A can get up and running with 2 or 3 guys or gals.

And I think when we sit around and try to increase the numbers, I think sometimes we lose the message a little bit. It gets a little diluted. Watered down, AA. Don't be too assertive with these people, you know? And all I'm sharing is that over the past several years, a lot of the stuff that I was telling some of my friends who I wanted them to like me on their way out wasn't a message of depth and weight.

You know? And I often tell the story about my friend Brian Bevan when he died. He we we weren't talking to him about this stuff in this book. We were trying to get into the dances so he could feel good about being sober. And going through a dance has never kept me sober.

Taking the steps and going to the dances has allowed me not to wind up drunk after one of them. You know? But, we were telling him all these funny things, and he was he had his really pretty girlfriend and all of this stuff, but none of that stuff saved his life. He died. He's dead, and he was very nice.

He was not a mean person that caused trouble in our meetings. He was a very nice young man. His parents raised him as a kind and loving person. He got drunk. He got loaded.

You know? So I guess what my my my thing is that after leaving Lancaster and moving here, I came I lived here in Simi Valley. I used to go to the unity, meeting over here, and I like that little meeting to kinda remind me of the room that they had Neo in when they had him pinned down on the table. They were trying to bug him and put that thing in there. It's just a long room, and you look down in there, and all these AA people are trying to help each other.

And there's this long table like King Arthur, and everybody's just sitting down. I can envision it right now. And and all these people there's this little old guy in there. And I really like that guy. He used to share that, that he tried, he said if AA was the first thing he really tried and the only thing that worked.

You know? And I and I and I believe that today. You know, all these other fake attempts at trying to control and enjoying my drinking, didn't work, man. And this program, the first thing that I really, really tried, this program, those steps, that that time with Denis Lee, you know, that stuff has paid off, you know, because I'm standing here sober, you know, almost 17 years later. And you try to tell that to a new person, and they just look at you like you've lost your mind.

And they hurry up and go find a whole lot of new people that hate your ass. But, you know, I was I was talking to one of my grand on the way. When were we going? We were going somewhere. I can't remember.

I didn't take my my ginkgo galone by the day, but I was we were we were we were, on our way somewhere, and we were driving. Oh, we were on our way to the Burbank Group last night, and he was sitting in the back seat of my car. And I was like, I'm gonna stop by my house and change my clothes and then go. And he was like, you live all the way out here? I'm like, no.

We're not there yet. We got about 5 more miles. But yeah. Because I go to meetings in the South Bay, but I live in Glendale. And, and he couldn't believe that I lived that far.

And I told him, you know, a lot of my friends used to be amazed by that, but they don't trip off of it anymore, you know, because they're used to it. And, it's really easy to get used to doing that 10 step to the point where you don't that's why we don't chant at my home group because that chanting kinda takes away the validity of what's actually being read. It's kinda like when you learn the theme song to The Brady Bunch. You don't really need to say the words anymore. You just sort of along because you heard it so many damn times.

You know? And he was just like it it brought it took me back to, like, how, you know, it really is cool to be around people that are grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous who know that they are living with unresolved issues, that they don't have all their feelings tagged. They're practicing faith, and they're trying to make it. You know, it's it's really good to be surrounded by people like that. You know?

Because a lot of the people that take this stuff for granted and get all slothful with it usually wind up not caring about it, and they usually just leave it behind like it's just another faulty attempt at trying to manage and control their life, you know? And I just really like my shit to be ripe. I want my AA and my sobriety to be like a ripe green apple, not some job in the hut, rotten ass, washed up interpretation of how easy I needed to be for me. I'm talking about footwork. I'm talking about staying involved.

And I'm talking like this with over 10 years sober, you know, and, and I think it's important that we help these new people. You know, I don't care how much money I have. I think it's important that we help these new people. I don't care how depressed I've been. I don't care that I had to have surgery earlier this year.

I don't care. I don't care. I'd rather be involved with AA and doing this stuff with these people that need these steps, man, because it reminds me that I am not a counselor on duty. I'm a real alcoholic. I'm trying to save my own booty.

I'm an alcoholic, man. I ain't got no caseload. You know? I need God. I need the steps.

I need the book. I want the meetings. I'm gonna share a little bit about being properly armed, and I'm gonna turn the meeting over. When I used to hear that, you know, they say that when the guy is properly armed with facts about himself, he can generally win the, you know, the confidence over from this new guy within a few hours. And I was trying to figure out if they say that we're surrendered and we are not fighting anymore, then what do we be properly armed with?

Why do you need to be properly armed if you ain't fighting no damn more? That doesn't make sense to me. And what I started believing is that, you know, I'm properly armed with the ability to make an amends. I'm properly armed with the ability to admit that I need to be teachable and I need to call my sponsor. I'm properly armed with the fact that I better get on my knees in the morning and ask God to keep me sober and thank him at night.

You know, I'm properly armed with the fact that I'm not always gonna feel good about not drinking just like I didn't always feel good when I was drinking. I'm probably armed with the fact that circumstances don't keep me sober. The grace of god does. I'm properly armed with the fact that I do not need to be stimulated all the time no matter what. I'm properly armed with these things, and the reason why I need to be properly armed about this stuff is because there's a part of my sickness that I haven't touched on tonight, and it's called a mental blank spot.

And in the big book, they say that at certain points of time, we will be unable to, you know, to have that effective mental defense against that first strength. That defense has gotta come from a higher power. Well, if I'm not properly armed with all that stuff that I just, rambled off and I left quite a bit of it out, If I'm not properly armed with that stuff, I'm not even a, a real candidate for that grace because I'm blocked. I don't even see the opportunity, you know, to fall into the grace of that power keeping me sober when I got that middle blank spot going. See?

So that's why I gotta do the prayers. That's why I gotta drive all the way to Simi Valley when we make a commitment to come. That's why I got to answer the phone. That's why I got to get off my butt tomorrow and go to work. You know, that's why I have to be responsible in these relationships and have some real accountability going with my own personal sponsor so I can be properly armed, you know, because this disease does not care about nothing.

In fact, a lot of the friends that I've seen walk out of here, that was their little national anthem. I don't care. You know? And the next thing you know, they're not anywhere around here. So, I'll read this one last thing, and I'll shut up.

I got 1 minute left. I don't like referring to the big book so much in the meetings because it offends people who don't read it a lot. I taught a public speaking class in, Warm Springs while I was in the psych ward. And one of the one of the fundamentals of, public speaking is to remember who your audience is. And just for the record, to let you know, I'm a terrible public speaker because I know who my audience is, and my job as a speaker tonight is to stir you up a little bit, make you a little uncomfortable.

You know? Maybe you'll think about some stuff. Maybe you'll put me on that 10 step tonight that you haven't been writing. Let me read this last little thing, and then I'll sit down. And it's on page 15 in Bill's story.

Bill Wilson is the broke ass stockbroker that founded the program, Him and his butt. I'm only gonna read a little bit down at the bottom. We commenced to make many fast friends, and and a fellowship has grown up among us, of which is a wonderful thing to feel apart. The joy of living we really have even under pressure and difficulty. I have seen hundreds of families set their feet in the path that really goes somewhere, have seen the most impossible domestic situations right.

Feuds and bitterness of all sorts wiped out. I've seen men come out of asylums, rehab perhaps, that resume a vital place in the lives of their families and communities. Business and professional men have regained their standing. There is scarcely any form of trouble and misery which has not been overcome among us. That is a very powerful statement.

If you are a newcomer, we know that you think you know what we know about what you think you know. But we suggest that you stay around here anyway and take our steps and watch your own friends grow. People around you will change, and they will do AA, man. And it'll make you get off your rusty butt and do it too. You know?

Or just keep doing what you're used to doing and, don't take any of this information home with you at all. Thanks for letting me share.