Messenger Meeting of Cocaine Anonymous in Dana Point, CA

My name is Ralph White. I'm an admin. Hello, Ralph. How are you? Thank you, Tom, for asking me to come out and share, and thank the group for asking me to come out and share my experience, strength, and hope tonight.

And, happy birthday. Yeah. Happy birthday. That's a milestone. Congratulations to all of you who took chips.

Congratulations to the people who took 30, 60, 90, 6 months. And then I wanna do the most important thing I can do tonight. I wanna welcome my new friends to the fellowship with cocaine tonight. Welcome home. I wanna let you know if you smoke dope like I smoke dope, because you did some of the things I did, been some of the places I've been.

Probably the best stuff you can take from the cradle to the grave. I don't say that because you guys asked me to come out and share tonight. I don't say that because I'm standing behind the podium, and it's the right thing to say when you get behind one of these podiums. I say it because this program, this process, and this power that I got introduced to has been working in my life like nothing else I discovered. You know, I'm not standing up here tonight because I'm a nice guy.

I'm not I don't do this thing out of virtue, and I don't do it because the sheik to be sober in 2008. I do it because for my life and I I started out doing it because I was desperate and I've grown into doing it because I let you know, I like the life I I live today. You know, and if you're sitting out there right now and you're in a real dark place, if you're sitting in here right now and cocaine has been doing to you what it did to me for so many years, you know, I wanna welcome you to a fellowship. And then when I wanna welcome you home. I wanna welcome you the land of starting all over again, you know, and it's a good place to be.

You know, I'm standing up here. You know, I I I've been doing this a couple of summers. You know? And my, you know, I get inclined to say I'm not gonna share a long, drunk, or log. I I just wanna share about recovery.

But, you know, believe it or not, I remember being new to the rooms at Cocaine Anonymous like a lot of you guys just sitting out here tonight. I remember a speaker coming out and standing in front of the group somewhat like I am tonight. He was dressed pretty nice, and his hair was combed, and his eyes were bright. And he was stringing sentences together pretty well. And I remember thinking to myself that night, I noticed cat ain't been what I've been.

I know he ain't felt what I felt, and I know he ain't done what I've done. What can this lame tell me? So it's real important that I let you know that the man that's standing in front of you right now is not the same one that stumbled into the rooms of cocaine anonymous, October 11, 1986. I'm a share with you in a general way what I used to be like, what happened, and what I'm like today in the hopes that somebody sitting out there will be thinking like I was thinking that night. Man, I used to do the same thing.

I used to feel the same way. I'm more important. I too wanna have this thing. I grew up in South Central Los Angeles, and I'm one of 6 boys. I grew up in a little 2 bedroom apartment.

Moms and pops stayed in 1 room. 6 boys stayed in 3 bunk beds in the other room. Earliest memory of my old man was he was an alcoholic, and I didn't wanna be like him. My father wasn't abusive, and my father wasn't bothered. My father was an absentee.

And every other Friday, you knew he wouldn't show up at the house with a check. Be a kid in the neighborhood who will feel like it was his duty to come tell my family how my old man had been performing up at the pool hall the previous Friday or Saturday night, and I would feel ashamed and embarrassed. Those are for me feelings I'm familiar with from a real early age. Pops got put out the house when I was 8 or 9 years old, and mine proceeded to raise 6 boys by herself. Don't know about you.

And there's a lot of people in there. Jim, I'm glad you came up in here. I need somebody with gray in their head right about now. You know? Because, you know, we got a lot of young friends in here, so I don't know if a lot of you guys can identify with some of my story.

I'm a guy you know, I'm a product of the sixties. You know, I grew up in the sixties and I grew up in the s you know, and I don't know about you guys, but I always had an idea about what an ideal family was. And in the sixties, ideal families were depicted by TV program. They ain't running them right now. They got the reality shows, and they I don't know.

You know, when I grew up, you know, they would show ideal families. Father knows, Bess, Ozzie and Aria, my 3 sons, Leave It to Beaver, and Beth that was not jumping off in my house. When you're grown, you get something that's called perspective, and perspective works like this. You got a mom that raised 6 boys by herself. She was on welfare, and she didn't have a high school education.

She put herself back through high school. She put herself through college. She worked 2 jobs. She took in clothes that she was and ironed for other folk. And when you're grown, you look back on your life and say, damn, I had a hell of a mom.

Look how she sacrificed the ways of boys. But when you're a kid about 9 or 10 years old and you coming home from school on a Wednesday afternoon and you hit the front door and mom's is in the living room with ironing board up and a rag on her head, you don't feel proud. You feel ashamed and embarrassed. And if your name is Ralph, you're retreating to that fantasy world I've lived in much of my life. Biggest prison I've ever lived in.

It's the prison I live in sometimes even today, and that's the prison of what I think you think about me. See, I don't know what you think about me, but I'm trapped in what I think you think about me, and I'll do whatever it takes to shape and form them all your opinion around. I'll whine you. I'll dine you. I'll woo you.

I'll kind you. I'll bully you. I'll manipulate you. I'll buy you. Please like me.

Now I don't particularly have to like your ass, but please like me. You know? You know, so I'm growing up like this, man. You know? And and, you know, I don't want you guys to get the wrong impression.

Some of you guys might have heard about the 60, might have heard it. You know, I grew up in South Central. I grew up in the heart of Watson. You might have heard stories about it. I wouldn't have changed the way I grew up for anything in the world.

You know, I'm not an alcoholic and I'm not an addict because I come from a broken home. There's somebody in here sitting in here right now that have both parents in the house. I'm not an addict because I come from South Central Los Angeles. Most of y'all sitting in this room don't come from my neighborhood. I'm not at it because I'm a poor brother from the get and, you know, look around the room.

You know that ain't the reason. I'm not at it because I'm a short guy. There's some big guys in the room. I'm not addict because we grew up poor. Somebody in here that grew up with a silver spoon.

You know, I'm addict for 2 reasons and two reasons on. One, when I take one, I can't tell you when I'm a stop. 2, when I sincerely don't wanna start again, I start again anyway. I'm volleying mentally different from my fellas. That's it, and that's all.

The rest is my story, and my story goes a little bit like this. Every one of you guys had me in your classroom. I was always student body president of class president. I was a straight a student, teacher's pet, played ball, made all stars. Outside, I should have been okay.

Inside, I've always felt like if you really knew me, you wouldn't like me. Straight a student, teacher's pet, woulda traded it all in if I coulda been cool. Because in my neighborhood, it was a whole lot more currency placed on cool than smart. You know, the cats who was cool was in the bathroom smoking cigarettes, shooting dice, taking quarters from guys like me that brought extra quarters with them, and they knew how to talk to girls. You know, and girls were a mystery to Ralph.

You know? You know, if you go to meetings a lot, you know, you'll hear a lot of things, and you'll hear a lot of common themes here from podiums and cocaine anonymous. And one of the common themes you'll hear from a lot of our members is they never felt like they fit in, and that's not a part of my story. I'm a little guy. I like a lot of attention.

I've never been interested in fitting in. I've always wanted to stand out. And as a result of that, I achieved and I accomplished some stuff coming up. You know? I shared with you guys I was this teacher's best friend, a student class, all those things, man.

You know, but I was shy and I was introverted. And so I'm growing up at this time, and and I'm an ambitious young guy. You know, I grew up in the sixties. Sixties. It was a turbulent time.

It was a change in time. I was caught up in it. I did a lot of work in in my community. I was active, you know, and I had a bright future in front of me, And I'm not gonna be my dad. I'm not gonna make my family ashamed to me.

I'm not gonna let my kids will know who their father is, and they'll be proud of me. I'm not gonna be the one you know, I used to go to the father son banquet with my mom. You know, I'm not that's not gonna be me. I'll make people proud of me, and I'll make people know who I am. So I'm growing up, man.

I'm a fast forward through this. I'm growing up, and I'm I'm a regular kid. I'm doing what it is that I do. I hear in the room. You know, when I came to cocaine anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous, this is the first place I came where folks try to out bottom each other.

You know? And I thought my story, you know, I thought my story wasn't cool enough because, you know, I started late. I look around the room right now, and I know a lot of you guys started. Y'all were doing shit way before I started. You know?

Because I'm in high school. I still ain't doing that. Right? I'm on a fast track for success. That's the kind of guy I am.

I get a girlfriend at 16. Ralph with a girlfriend at 16 don't mean the same thing it means with some of you guys. Ralph with a girlfriend at 16 simply means this. I ran with a crew of dudes that went with the same group of girls. 1 of my boys broke up with this girl.

I waited a little time to pass. I told my other boy, look. I wanna go with her. He wouldn't ask her, came back and told me. She said, yes.

Now I got a girlfriend around. Ralph don't know what to do with girls because Ralph don't do girl, check this out. This is my official girlfriend. Right? This is my official girl.

I've had little girlfriends before, but this one knew she was my girlfriend. Right? You know? This is this is me. You know?

This is me. I will make I call my girl. And if you ask her at that time, who do you go with? She say, Ralph, you know, this is my official girlfriend. I would call her on the telephone.

We used to have them old rotary phones. The seven numbers said to come around and fear would set in when that 7th number went around because I knew what would have to happen when she answered the phone. You gotta talk. It's the telephone. Right?

And I now have no conversation for my girl. I just hang up on her. Right? Click over and over and over again. This particular night, I go out on a double day.

You know, older partner of mine, it's driving. Him and his girl in the front seat, me and my girl in the back seat. We go to a drive in movie, plastic cup of rum and Coke, comes to the back seat this particular night. I drank that rum and Coke down, went down real warm, rushed back to the top of my brain. All of a sudden, Ralph Sands started doing things they had never done.

Miles started saying things that it never said I'd arrived. Alcohol did for me what I couldn't do for myself. Gave me the courage to do and to be and to say things I wouldn't do, be, and say without it, and I liked it. I liked it a lot. The big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, talks about me in lots of places.

It starts talking about me in the front of that book. New friends, there's a chapter in the front of our book called the doctor's opinion. And in that chapter, it's a lot written about Ralph. And there's a line that jumped out at me. And there's a line in there that goes like this, men and women like Ralph drink essentially for the effect produced by alcohol.

1st time I read that, I recognized it. Some of you guys in here might be drinking that Scotch and be like, I'd be like, ugh, but I like what it did when it went down. I'm not overnight alcohol. I understand we talk about this disease being progressive in nature. That first night I drank, I didn't get pissy drunk, didn't throw up all over myself.

I gotta do I gotta buzz. I got a warm tipsy feeling. I kissed and licked and sucked all my girl in some places I had never done before. And I was, you know, and I was cool like that. I was cool.

You know, that alcohol worked for me for a time, and that's how my drink and stayed for a little while. I would drink when I went out to parties. What youngsters were drinking at that time? Some Tyrolia, Annie Greenspring, Boom Farm. You know what I'm saying to you know, Tyrolia.

And and and I'm cool. I go to a party. I either have the courage to ask a girl to slow dance and grind in the corner. I'm like, oh, this alfalfa is cool. I graduated from, you know, graduated from high school in 'seventy one and I graduated to higher education in every sense of the word.

71, I'm still just drinking to go out to parties. But in 'seventy one, I also got introduced to some non addictive marijuana. By the end of 'seventy one, I'm drinking and I'm smoking herb, not only to go to the parties on the weekend, but to get ready for the parties during the day on the weekends. By 1972, I'm drinking and smoking herb after class when I get out of class. By the end of 72, I'm drinking, I'm smoking herb, I'm selling herb.

By 1973, I'm drinking, I'm smoking herb, I'm selling herb, I'm doing other drugs, I'm doing it on a daily basis. Couldn't have told me it was anything wrong with the way I was living. Big book Alcoholics Anonymous talks about it at a certain point in my drinking career, I won't be able to tell the truth from the false. And the way that that works for me is this, isn't the way that I'm doing it? Isn't that the way everybody does it?

Why would you be young with a bright future, with a little bit of money? I was getting financial aid. Didn't chase the women and getting low to come with the territory. In those days, man, if you came over my house and I couldn't offer you something to drink or something to smoke, I wouldn't be in a good house. And if I went over your house and you didn't do the same for me, not only weren't you being a good house, I wasn't coming over your house no more.

For what? You know? Roll out here tonight. You know, one of my sponsors was kind enough to roll with a old guy tonight. You know, me and Rob came out tonight and, you know, and and and she called me, I'll be at your office at such and such a time and it's gonna take us about an hour and a half.

You know, and that's not the way I I would think in the old day. I gotta go all the way from Carson to Dana. That's about a 3 or 4 joint trip. I used to measure time and distance by how loaded you could get from point a to point b. Man, that's just the way that I'm rolling.

You know? And and and I don't mean any offense or any disrespect to our young friends. I'm not talking about new friends, but I'm talking about young friends. But I'm glad I grew up at the time I grew up in. You know, I don't know nothing about a little ziplock like this.

Jim, 3 finger nickels, 4 finger dimes, no stems, no seeds, copping £2.5 of herb, you know, up to $125 Going to concerts. I'm giving charges and selling, you know, all the way over here. I'm giving charges to you. We got gas masks working. We got cylinders.

You know, my idea of a good time is a bunch of people sitting around like this. You know, the music all the way blasting, TV all the way down, dark, you know, and we just up in there and every now and then somebody's here to come up. Man, I fucked up. And just nobody Yeah. That's my kind of party.

That's the era I came up in. You go to a concert, you don't even have to know your neighbor. You just pass and shit. You know? And I don't know if it was a simpler time, but it seemed like a simpler time.

In 2008, you gotta worry about sexually transmitted diseases, practicing safe sex. You gotta worry about AIDS. In those days, man, I go to a club. I'd have a 1 question interview for a girl. You get high.

If not, next, I don't need to know I don't need to know your son, your mama's name, where you work. I don't need to know. Let's get to the basis of this relationship. Do you do it the way that I do it? Some kind of way I came through school, man, and I started working as a counselor for LA City Schools.

And even though I had the kind of job that should have allowed me to acquire what normal people did, I never did that. I never did. Snapshot of routes like this is when drugs and alcohol was working. I buy a car and make exactly 3 car payments then come find me. Come find me.

1st time I had a car repossessed, I have to know to call LAPD. You know, I wanna report a stolen car. I ain't made a car payment in 9 months. Right? I wanna report a stolen car.

They do what they do. No, mister White. The rifle owner just picked that shit up. You know, the next two times, I didn't next two times, I didn't even trip. I already knew.

Right? I'm the kind of brother never had a problem balancing a bank book. Payday, I got money. 2 days later, broke. 0.

No problem balancing my bank book. You know, I stayed in a career from 1976 to 1979 without paying rent. Couple of baffling features about the disease I suffer from, and one of them is this. I can't see my relationship with drugs and alcohol until I'm free of it. I can't see what it's doing to me when I'm in the mix.

So So some of the things that are crystal clear to me now looking back in the rear view mirror of experience were not at all clear to me when I was going through it. One fact stands out real clear to me about the days when I thought the drugs and alcohol was working. I used to go to work for 2 weeks to live for 2 days. That's it. That's all.

I worked to get loaded. You know? And I can't tell you the hour. I can't tell you the day at a time. I can't tell you where I was or what I was doing when drugs and alcohol ceased to be a luxury for me and became a necessity.

I can tell you that it did happen to me. And I had a long time of doing some things, man. You know, I have a lot of friends who can come up here, and they can share real life with me, and they can remember. You know, their memories are better than mine. They talk about when they got loaded, it filled that hole and they got when they got loaded, it made them feel you know, and they talk about you know, and they can they can give you the reasons and the whys and the you come from a time that I came from, and you were square determined not to be a square.

You know? That's just the thing to do. Everybody did. You don't come up in the '60s '70s and not get low. That's just the thing to do.

My grandmother, you say it's something that I never understood till I came to the room. Trouble always starts out like fun, and it was just big fun when I was doing it, man. It was just big fun. It was the way that it was. I'm at a major university.

I'm with people who are really going somewhere. You know? At the time that I started snoring cocaine, it wasn't nothing about people running up the cart. You couldn't have told me it was gonna take me on the journey it took me. You know?

It was a high it was a status drug. You know? If you don't have at least a see no, don't even think about it. You gotta know a dope man. You gotta go that's the year I started out here.

Now you might hear me mention smoking the best herb. You might may hear me mention smoking some hash and some hash oil. You might even hear me mention eating on some mushroom. You'll probably you may even hear me mention snorting some of the best blowski. But the moment you hear me mention hitting the pipe, you'll know I'm coming to the end of my story.

So I do the deal. I go through you know, and I I I'm in life, man. And and, you know, and and things were working pretty well for a guy named Ralph. You know, I've come through this major university. I started working in a profession, and I started doing some things.

And if you're anything like me, like I told you, I can't tell you when it happened and when that day came to me for me when drugs and alcohol ceased to be a luxury, it became a necessity, but it did happen. I'm one of these guys that plays the regret game in the room to cocaine anonymous. I'm one of the ones that sits around and see, I I I used be one of them people that'll look at somebody like Tom. If I ever get like that, I quit. I look at my man right here.

Man, you you you need to quit. And the big book talks about seeking the Lord companion. It wasn't long before I became the Lord companion. You know the regret game in cocaine anonymous, it goes somewhat like you know, I like to tell a story. It kinda illustrates it.

A story about a little boy named Johnny. You know? You know, that that that goes if I only knew then what I knew not right, but a story about a little boy named Johnny. Johnny had a habit. His father frowned on him.

Johnny used to like to play with himself. Father goes off to work one day, comes home early. Little Johnny's bedroom door is closed. Opens little Johnny's door without knocking. Sure enough, little Johnny's in the bedroom masturbating.

Father looks at him and says, son, I thought I told you if you keep doing that, you'll go blind. And little Johnny stopped and looked up at the dad and said, well, daddy, can I just do it till I need glasses? You know? I like that story because it remind me of me in the life. Right?

I see you going down, you going down, you going down. Yeah. I'm just gonna do it till I need to let you know. And the book talks about seeking the Lord. And I can't tell you.

I can't tell you when it was that I wasn't the one, you know, because I used to come to places. This ain't the first time I go to work in suits, you know, these You know? These days, though, you won't see me in the same one tomorrow that I was in yesterday. You know? And I can't man, that shit just flips overnight.

Seem like it flips overnight. I was the guy rolling in dressed like I am right now, pocket full of money, copy. You jump up to give me a torch. And seem like overnight, I'm the one jumping up asking you, can I get you you know what I'm saying? I don't know how that happened.

You know? But I'm I'm doing the deal, man, and we don't have enough time for me to tell you all the things that should have been science along the way that maybe you got a problem with this. I got married in 1980, and I had a bachelor party the night before my wedding. Saturday afternoon in April of 1980. Bunch of guys went to the bachelor party.

None of them are getting married the next day. All of them have sense enough to go home at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm still at my bachelor party till 7:30 in the morning, right, me and my brothers. They pour me in the bed at 7:30. They give me up at 10 o'clock for my 1 o'clock wet.

I ain't slept. I just laid on top of the bed. I'm tow up. Tow up. Just laid on top of the bed.

Right? They give me up for my 10 o'clock wedding. I'm supposed to set my own vows at this wedding. I show up, and I wobble in there. And my then wife to be looked at me wobbling in, and she looked at the preacher.

She says, scratch your own vows. Say the regular on his ass. Right? So now now my lines are cut to 2 words. We get in there, we get into the ceremony, it gets to me.

I can already say I do. I say I and through Passed off. I'm not taking a wedding picture to this day. Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. New friends, if you're anything like me, when I first started coming to these rooms, although I recognize most of the words people were saying in the rooms, the way they used them was not the way I used them in my everyday walk around vocabulary.

Folk were talking about a psychic change and this phenomena of craving and this allergy of the body, and I needed some of the people who had been around to help me with some of that. But the first time I heard pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization, didn't need no help with that one. Folk like us don't need a dictionary for pitiful and comprehensible demoralization. I lived pitiful and comprehensible demoralization up close and personal, and I lived it over and over and over again. See, I'm the kind of father and I'm the kind of husband who remember sitting on my living room couch, Wife coming out the bathroom real fast, pulling her pants up, going to the dining room table, picking the purse up off the table, clutching it real close to her as she went back to the bathroom, and I feel this tall because nobody was in the house but me and her, but it got like that in my house.

I'm the kind of father and I'm the kind of husband who were coming home, and sticking my key in the door. And I open my door, and my wife and 2 year old daughter sitting here and they're crying. And I look over here at homeboy sitting in my seat with a gun pointed at my stomach talking about I want my money right now. Fellas, let me holler at you for just a minute. I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I always had a lot of fears and a lot doubts about do I have what it takes to be a husband?

Do I have what it takes to be a father? Because if you're in the life, your track record already gives you the answer. Right? Because what's the father's role, and what's the husband's role? To protect and to provide.

And it's a cold blooded feeling, fellas, laying in bed with a woman night after night after night after night knowing not only aren't you protected, knowing not only aren't you provided, you're the one bringing the wolf to the door. See, my house got broke into several times. Couple other times, I had some guys step to my wife, and each time, I knew what had happened. I pretended to call 77th Division, and I knew. I was just playing a game with myself because they had told me, you're gonna give us our money or we're gonna come up in there and get it.

I'm the kind of father and I'm the kind of husband who remember sitting on my back porch, 2 year old daughter coming outside, pulling in my coat. Daddy, daddy, that's my piggy bank. I remember stopping and giving her a little shitty grin. Don't worry, baby. Daddy's gonna put some dollar bills in here for this chain.

And I wasn't raised to be stealing from my daughter, and I wasn't raised to be stealing from my wife. I was a dope fiend with no tools or recovery, and I did what it took to get what I needed to get. 1st time I hid my wife's purse, if you would hook me up to a poly, I would've had when I said to you, I'm not stealing this money. I'm just go I'm taking, and I'm a replace it before she knows it's missing. And I'm in because I don't steal.

And I really don't steal. You know how it gets strange how the line keeps changing when you're in the line? 1st, I don't steal. Then I don't steal from nobody that I know. Then I don't steal from family.

Then I know I don't steal from my daughter, and they but the first time I went in my wife's purse, man, you couldn't have told me. I'm a replace this money before she knows it's missing. And she has some money up in there, and I'm out smoking. And I come in, and I looked at that purse for a minute. And I said, I'm a take this $40 out, and I'm a replace it before she knows it's missing.

And I took that 40, and I went back out and smoked it up. And I came home looking for some more money, and she had moved the purse. I couldn't believe I had hit the purse like that, so I didn't really look that hard for it. I said to myself, I'm gonna replace this money. Of course, she knows it's missing.

They wrote that book of ours, big book out for August 9, and they wrote it in 1939. Couple of gentlemen that got together in 1935. And they did some stuff, and it's some just imagine all of us around, and nobody's sober, don't know nothing about soap. And these two guys got together, and they stumbled upon some. And in about 4 years' time, they measured almost 80 people, but they said a 100 to round it up for when they wrote the book.

And so it was about a 100 people, and they they sat up here, and they said, let's talk to some people and let them know what it is that we've done. And they wrote that book. And they published that book in 1939. And in 1939, imagine this, they knew Ralph White was coming. And they dropped some lines in that book that describe We'll replace that money before she knows it, miss.

2 weeks after I said that and the first time I hit that purse, the same scenario presented itself. Been out working, got some money, gave my old lady some money. I'm out smoking mine now. And I smoke my money up, and I come home again just like 2 weeks before. And that idea that I'm a replace this money before she knows it's missing, the book described me.

It talks about we don't know why, but the alcoholic could be unable to recall with sufficient force, pain, suffering, humiliation, or weeks, even days ago. That idea about replacing the money, when I came and looked for the purse this time, it got replaced by a new ID. I said last time, I took $40, came back looking for the purse, and she had moved. This time, I'm a take all the money out of the purse. And that that I don't spend up, I'm gonna sneak it back in the purse.

And I didn't deliberate so long before I hit the purse this time. And I was off and running, hitting my wife's purse on a regular basis. She go to sleep with it off under the pillow. You know, I've been doing this thing for over 21 years, and I still love going to meetings. I love going to meetings for lots of reasons.

You know, one of the reasons I love going to meetings is I can talk shorthand at a meeting. You know, I can drop something off people at a meeting, and they'll understand. You know, I'll say something like, you know what it's like when you out smoking and you come in, you know, and and that feeling is on you? You know what it's like to lay in bed with that feeling on you knowing that money is just an arm's length away? Right?

Because my wife is sleeping with the purse up under the pillow, and I'm sprung. Right? And I'm laying in the bed, you know, and then you laying up in there. And I let her lay up in there, and I let her that real regular breathe and set in. And I let it set in for a while.

And I crawl out my side of the bed, and I come on her side of the bed. And I come out real slow, put the purse in front of me. I creep out the bedroom door. I creep out the front door. I jump in my car.

I close out the driveway. I'm gone. It's Wednesday. I come back Monday. Did that one too many Wednesdays.

Came back one Monday. A notice on the screen door. The rest of your stuff is at your mama's house. Suitcase on the porch. I put out my house.

I'm now my dad. And over the course of the next year, after I got put out my house, I went to stay at my mom's house. My 5 brothers got put out their respective homes, and all of us ended up in my mother's house. And we damn near killed. Her.

6 of us. Smoke. It was days we couldn't come up with $5 between us. And when I first got put out of my house and went to stay at my mom's house, my ex wife thought it was something salvageable about this piece of man that she married. And she used to bring my daughter over on Saturday afternoons so we could keep a father daughter relationship.

And I wanted to be a father to my little girl with everything, and I really did. I really, really, really did. I wanted to take my girl to Disneyland and Magic Mountain. I wanted to take her to a movie on a Saturday afternoon. I wanted to walk up the street with her little head in my big hand, take her to the store, and buy her ice cream.

I wanted to sit her at my lap and read stories tour. I wanted to tuck her in bed at night and get a good night kiss. I wanted to get the look for my little girl that I've seen men in this fellowship get to look like this is my daddy and this is my hero, And the best I could do on those Saturday afternoons was 30 minutes. 30 minutes. Tell my mom something like I'm going to the store to buy rice and ice cream.

I disappear. It'll be Saturday. I sneak back on Sunday night when her mom was picking her up, and I could remember some of them long Sunday nights, man, sticking my head around the side of my mom's house, tears flowing. And I remember, man, seeing them 2 heads in the car and the headlights backing out the driveway. And I'll be thinking through the tears.

There go my life backing out this driveway. Heard a lot of people share they were scared of dying out there. That's not a part of my story. I was never scared of dying. I was scared I was gonna keep waking up to the same old thing.

Monday, the same as Tuesday, the same as Sunday, the same as Christmas over and over and over again. And I am so glad God don't make misery come. And on October 11, 1986, I got miserable enough, and I got tired enough, and I got directed to my 4th program, a recovery. And I went to the Harbor Life Center on Skid Row in downtown Los Angeles. 2 days after I went to the Harbor Life Center, they took me to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and a gentleman came up into that room that first night that I went to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and my life changed.

When I went up in the Harbor Life Center that October 1986, I was full of remorse, and I was full of regret. And I was full I'll never be able to forgive myself for the things I've done and what I have become. I only shared with you guys the tip of the iceberg. Didn't share with you when I got put out of my house and went to stay at my mom's house, I started stealing on my mom's purse. Didn't share with you when I got put out of my house and went to stay at my mom's house.

A check came to one of my little brothers in the name of all white. All of us are all white. Smoke it. Then share with you when my grandmother gave me $200 to buy our plane ticket to the family reunion. If it wasn't for my mom, my grandmother never would have saw Atlanta, Georgia.

Didn't share with you the first time I tried to get sober. My ex wife got me a job at her job. I stole $1600 from them, ruined her reputation in the industry. Didn't share with you a lot. Suffice it to say, I had a lot on my tip when I came, and I was full.

I'll never be able to forgive myself for the things I had done and what I had done. Took me to a meeting of the Alcott and Synonymous, And a guy was standing up in front of the group somewhat like I am tonight. And he was sharing about taking from the job, and he was sharing about taking from the family. And I remember looking at him and thinking to myself, yeah. You're sharing about doing scandalous shit, but you look scandalous.

You should've been doing that shit. I'm different. Y'all ain't gonna hear my business. And the speaker seemed like he was reading my mail and knew I was in the room. He dropped something on me like this.

He said, if you're sitting in this room right now, you are not responsible for your disease, but you are responsible for your recovery. And you have just now tapped into a source of power much greater than yourself. And you don't have to drink and you don't have to use no matter what, provided you are willing to fulfill some conditions. And he caught my attention. And that speaker that night went on to say, this is the only club you can be a member of where the worse off you are when you get here, the better off your chances of staying.

And I got the message of hope at that first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous I went to. He described to me what I suffer from, Did it in a strange way. A lot of people have been talking at me, and a lot of people have been talking about me. And they have been telling me about myself for a long time. Couldn't hear.

This cat was talking to me, talking about himself, and never seen anything like it in my life. Don't know about anybody else in here, but I learned some stuff about me this last time. I had done the program 4 previous times before I came here to stay. And this last time, some different stuff was going on with a guy named Ralph. Those other times, I was serious each time I came into the program of recovery.

I was serious about staying sober. I was serious about staying sober. I was serious. I was so serious. I'd sit at a meeting, and when you guys would laugh at the speaker, I looked at you like, ain't nothing funny.

What's up with that? You know? And I thought that if I present serious, that meant I was serious, you know. And I kept getting loaded, kept getting loaded, kept getting loaded. And this last time when I got back, I brought something different to the table.

This last time when I came back, I was no longer just serious. I was committed. Committed is what I do. Serious is how I feel. I felt.

I was committed to do whatever it took to stay sober one day at a time, and that came from my own experience, man. I don't know about nobody else up in here. If tonight's speaker if you're looking for the speaker tonight that's gonna shit scare you into recovery, you need to get another speaker. That's not my story. That's not what it is, and that's not my message.