Steps 8 and 9 at a Big Book Study in Geneve, Switzerland

Thanks. Welcome back. My name is Simon Clark. I'm a recovered alcoholic. Good to see good to see everyone back after the the coffee break.

I know it's kinda hot outside, so I'm sure most of you would prefer to be out there. So thanks for coming back after the coffee and the sun. Step 9. This session's dedicated to step 9. It says now, which means now, we need more action, which without we find that faith without works is dead.

Okay? So remember, we've just had, an hour reflection, reviewing the first five proposals, finding out if we've admitted anything in 6 and 7. We've answered yes to our satisfaction. We've we've worked we've now worked with the step 6 prayer and the step 7 prayer. That's now completed.

Now we need more action. Now if your hour is in the morning, and you've done a step 5 early in the morning, and you've had that hour and done 6 and 7 in the morning, there is no reason why those amends shouldn't be made immediately that afternoon. I remember after doing step 5 with Peter going home with 6 and 7, there were some amends that I had to do immediately. So let's look at steps 8 and 9. We have a list of all persons we we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends.

We made it when we took inventory. That's when the 8th step list is made. It can't always be done at inventory. I make it when I'm working with a guy and he's reading me his inventory in step 5, I'm writing the 8 step list. So once he's complete 5, 6, and 7, he now has a list of amends with whom we are willing.

Okay? Now, I'll just share my experience on this. What I had to do, I had about over a I think about a 150 amends the first time around, and I had to section these off into direct amends, family amends, financial amends. There were some that I wasn't willing to do. There were some that I I was willing to do immediately, and I had to to section all off.

I needed to have a very clear plan on how to approach this. Because I really only get one shot at it with amends, and and it had to be a good one in each case. So I had to get a very clear picture. And, you know, a lot of people say that steps 4 and steps 5 were, you know, were were were big deals, and and they were for me as well. Looking at the manifestation of self for the first time, isn't comfortable.

Inventory isn't meant to be comfortable. But to be totally truthful, I really saw the picture of my alcoholism in the 8th step and 9th step, and I really saw that with my effort to run life on self will, and I saw that I had to go back to pretty much most people I come across in my life because I was so selfish and dishonest. I took from people. I stole from people. I harmed people.

Companies that I'd worked for, co workers that I'd worked with, family, friends of family. There were also some deceased people on that 8 step list. One of which was my father, my grandparents. You know, there was there was a whole, it was just big. My 8 step lesson was just big.

And but on each one of those amends, there was action required. Even if it was just pray for the willingness to be able to do one of them, but there was action required. And I when I looked at that, and I said, you mean I need to yeah. I've gotta go back, and I gotta face every single one of these people. Not to say sorry, but to repair the damage done.

All of those people. And my experience is is that is that is that most of the guys that I work with work with, most of them bulk at step 4, 9, or 12. They're the 3 steps where where where people who haven't had a sufficient, step 1 experience, or they haven't fully conceded, or they do not believe they're alcoholic, they will book around 4, 9, and 12. That's been my experience. Since we made it when we took inventory, we subjected ourselves to a drastic self appraisal.

Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated on our effort to live on self will and run the show ourselves. Remember, it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol. You know, and Peter reminded me at that time. He said, why do you think they're reminding you there?

Because there's a huge course of action, and I've got to go out and repair damage done. Pay all of the money back that I stole, manipulated people out of, pay all of that back. Absolutely. It's a tall order. The book says these are drastic and revolutionary proposals.

And I had a lot of money, and I had a lot of people to go see, and I had a lot of people to contact. I also had a lot of people to find, But I was willing to find each and every one, and I have out of all of those amends today, and this was 3 years ago, I've got one financial amend outstanding out of a 150, and I'm nearly to the end of that payment scheme, 5 months off of that payment scheme. Book goes on to then describe various scenarios of how we how do we approach the guy we hated, when to emphasize the spiritual future, when not to, When to talk about god, when not to. How we behave in the immense process. It says under no condition do we criticize such a personal argue.

We tell him we will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past. It never says in steps 8 and 9 in this book that we put ourselves at the top of the of the amends list. It also never says is that it never says this that I hear so often, is that just because we're not drinking today, that's the biggest amends we can make to everybody around us. My book doesn't say that. Also says is that in 9 cases out of 10, the unexpected happens.

Now going to these people, I was afraid. Because what I started to do is I went into fear and I started coming from my mind. Well, I know how he's gonna react. Well, I can't go to him because he's gonna do this. And I certainly can't pay all of that back because I'm not gonna have any left in my bank.

You see, if I start operating from from my mind, which is where the main problem lies, I'm not gonna do it. The book says 9 9 cases out of 10 the unexpected happens. 90% of the time, on my means, the unexpected happen happens. Yeah. What I think is gonna happen doesn't, and didn't and hasn't.

Throughout the immense process, I was also I underestimated the human underestimated it. You I underestimated it. You know? Now there were some people on that list I'll I'll tell you now, not for shock value, but just because it's the truth. There were some people on that list that I nearly killed.

I've also had 9 step amends turn into 12 step opportunities to carry this message. Goes on to talk about the financial side. Most alcoholics owe money. Yeah. No kidding.

I've never met one yet that doesn't owe money. We don't dodge them. Don't dodge our credit. We're telling them what we're trying to do. Yeah.

And I took what all these people trying to do, and I said, I'm working the 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous to recover from alcoholism and drug addiction. I cannot get over drinking until I've done my utmost to straighten out the past. I was very specific. I said, with most of these people, the time when I did x or y, I know that I was selfish and dishonest. And I know that I hurt you.

As part of this process, I'd like to know what is it I can do to make this right with you. And then I was told to shut up and just listen. And then this person, those people, they said, well, actually, Simon, I'd like you to do this and this and this. There's my amend. Repairing the damage.

I've asked them what I need to do to to to make this right. They've told me what they need to do, and I'll write them to that person's name on the list, x y zed. I need to go do this. And that's my amendment. There's the action I need to take to repair that damage.

Financially, I owed I owed everybody. I mean, I owed sports clubs. I owed banks. I owed my mother. I owed taxi drivers.

I owed sandwich shops. I mean, really, I mean, friends, post offices that I I I robbed from, and and here's an interesting one. I stole from a post office. I I robbed the post office, and I know that post office money, and I telephoned the post office. I remembered the guy's name, who was the the post office guy at the time, and I phoned him up, and I said, hello.

My name is Simon Clark. I'd like to talk to Paul Weston, please. You won't mind his name being on this CD. And I said, and they said, ah, why? And I said, well, I'm working the 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I robbed the post office, and I need to pay this money back. And she said, oh, I'm very sorry. Paul Weston doesn't work here anymore, but I can give you a contact number for him. I said, oh, really? Why is that?

That's right. Paul Weston has just joined Hertfordshire Police, and he's now a police officer, but I've got his telephone number for you. So I said thanks very much, and, I'm I I I rang this guy, and I explained to him what I was trying to do, and I said, oh, I'm I'm I need to do this. I cannot go over drinking until I do it, but I robbed from you when you were. And he said, oh, yeah.

That's right, Joe. He said, I remember you. He said he he said, you you always almost seem to be on a death wish even at that age. Age. See?

It wasn't just the money I owed him, but the the negative emotion that I turned up inside this guy. He was obviously concerned about me. Yeah? I owed him for that too. And I explained to him what I was trying to do, and he said, well, look.

You know, why don't we do this? Well, no. He was actually very forgiving. He said, well, we don't really need that back. And It would have been easy for me to say, okay.

Thank you very much, but it's not what it's about. This is about repairing damage I've taken, so I owe. So I went to that guy, and he said, I'm working with, a local drug and alcohol unit. He said, why don't you write me a check, and I'll send this check to the drug and alcohol unit? And he said, And leave your number there, put some information in, and, let's just leave it at that.

So I I spoke with Peter. I wrote a letter. I sent him a copy of the big book Alcoholics Anonymous with my contact details, and if there's anything that I could do for help, and here's here's the amend. Also says, approached in this way, the most ruthless creditor will sometimes surprise us. Now out of all of that, my mother was the most ruthless creditor.

I had, I had stolen from her. I had manipulated her into writing checks, to pay off cocaine dealers, to pay off bars, to pay off loans that I'd just walked away from and hadn't paid. And I owed her in excess of about 30 €1,000. And, I rang Peter at the time, and I'd I'd done quite well at work at this time, and I my my commission was was was pretty good. And I said, Pete, I made all this commission, and he gently reminded me that it actually wasn't mine.

And, actually, that money needed to be paid back to my mom. And I was afraid to do it, being selfish and self centered. I was worried about how much I was gonna have, and I didn't wanna give it away. Anyway, living with the fear around not doing it was worse than the action of doing it. I was again blocked because I was in fear, and the only reason the way I could get out of that fear was to take the action and pay my mom back.

And I sat down with my mom around the financial cocaine debts that you'd paid off for the property that I'd property that I'd stolen from the bank loans that you'd paid, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. And I said, mama, I wanna pay all of that back. And I said, I I can give that all to you. Alright. Now, mom's being mom's, and my mom being my mom, she said, look, she said, I don't want you to do all of that like that.

I said, mom, how do you I can do it now. How do you want me to do it? It's unselfish. Right? It's not on my terms.

It's on theirs. And she said, I'd like you to give me 10,000 now, and I'd like you to pay me off a 1,000, each month from your salary, and do it that way. Arranging the best deal we can, we let these people know we are sorry. And I'm I've got 5 about 5 months left, on that, and that that's to my mom. It says here, we must lose our fear of creditors no matter how far we have to go, for we are liable to drink if we are afraid to face them.

Notice that the words there is fear and afraid. That's what blocks us from doing amends. And so often, you'll hear people that, you know, in our politics are almost terrified, feeling of fear about facing their past. They haven't taken the action, yet they're back into fear into untreated alcoholism. The only way to do that is to take the action and go face them.

Also, it says perhaps we've committed a criminal offence which might land us in jail if it were known to the authorities. Padding it may be a petty offence, such as padding the expense account. We may have admitted this in confidence to another person, but we are sure we'd be imprisoned or lose our job if it were known. I'd stolen from companies that I'd worked for. I'd stole stock.

I stole time because I was constantly off work. And I owed this company quite a lot of money. And I was sure that if I was to find these people that they'd probably shot me to the police and I'd I'd be in serious trouble. And and the book goes on to give various, scenarios around this kind of stuff. And there's a prayer here in the 9th step.

And, again, it reminds us. Reminding ourselves, page 79, reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths, to what? Go to 90 meetings in 90 days? No. To find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be.

We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing. We have to be. We must not shrink at anything. Various scenarios that the, that the the U. Mint goes into here.

And it says before taking drastic action now there is a number of considerations before going head on into amends. It says before taking drastic action, top of page 80, which might implicate others, we secure their consent, number 1. There's an instruction there. If we have obtained permission, number 2, Consulted with others, number 3. Ask god to help, number 4.

And the drastic step is indicated, we must not shrink. And there were several amends, legal amends, around decisions that I'd made based on self, within a professional environment, where I'd been dishonest. And if I would have gone to the previous employer and been honest with what I had done, what it would have done, it would have sent my current employer. He would be in a very, very precarious spot, put it that way. And he may have lost his trading license because of an act I'd done.

And there were some gray areas on whether this was me being selfish and dishonest or whether this was, fair competition. And what I had to do is speak with my sponsor, speak with my current employer, and let him know that I've I've been believe I've been selfish and dishonest here. I need to do this. Let him know what I was gonna be doing. Obtain permission from my current my current employer.

Consulted with others. Now I had to go and seek legal advice around this area to see where I stood legally with the dishonesty that I had done, and I had to go into prayer. And I had to take all of that action before doing it. As it turns out, I'm going to the legal aspect of it, but as it turned out, an amend was made not directly because of the legal situation around that, and both parties were, were unharmed through it, but the amend was made. Top lady 1, it says after a few years with an alcoholic, a wife gets worn out, resentful, and communicative.

My family, my mother was on, beta blockers, and my sister was on antidepressants since she was 16 years old because of of my alcoholism in that home. They'd be very sick, And I had to sit down with them, frankly analyze the past face to face with them. And I had to see these people directly. Back on page 82, you know, this is quite good. It says, sometimes we hear an alcoholic say that the only thing he needs to do is to keep sober.

Just not drinking. Certainly, he must keep sober, for there will be no home if he doesn't. But he is yet a long way from making good to the wife or parent whom he is so shockingly treated. Passing all understanding is the patients mothers and wives had with alcoholics. And in that situation with the family, sitting down with them, they told me what it was like to live with me.

And I didn't really wanna hear it, but it was the truth. They were both extremely disturbed emotionally and mentally as a result of my alcoholism, financially as well. And today, as a result of that but both my mom and my sister and my father have passed away, but then my mother and my sister threw me out of the home and dropped me off at the accident and emergency ward, and they didn't want anything to do with me. My sister was screaming and and and shouting and in absolute dismay as there were 6 doctors basically committing me for insanity into a psychiatric unit. And they're all looking at your son.

He's gonna die. And my my sister, she was 16 at the time, was was in tears. And it affected my apolism affected her gravely. I will share with you today that once the the direct amendment had been made, it required action on a daily basis, a weekly basis, a monthly basis to try and be the best brother I can for her because she was growing up, and needed and wanted an older brother, and I was so consumed with self, I didn't even know she was there. And I treated her so shockingly that I didn't even deserve to have her around.

Now what I will share with you today is that I'm 3 years, ongoing with that amend, on a daily basis, and I have a wonderful relationship with my sister today. I'm an uncle to her son. That's right, isn't it? Uncle nephew? Yeah.

Uncle to her son. She seeks counsel with me when she has problems. I've stressed feature freely with my sister, and she is now entering a spiritual way of living. We are friends. I turn up for her birthdays today.

I turn up for her son's birthdays. We telephone. We talk, and we are brothers and sisters again. Same with my mom. You know, I'm I'm growing to be the son that that she wanted me to be, and I'm able to go back into that family home and give.

I'm able to attend Christmases, and they sleep well at night. I'm there. And their life is not ruled by fear over, is he gonna go for a drink before Christmas? Is he gonna go for a drink afterwards? Is he gonna turn up?

When are the police coming? What's the next phone call about? What hospital is gonna ring next? And that's what they lived with. That's what they lived with.

And I hear in meetings all the time, just don't drink and you're a winner. I need you to go back and I need you to fix all of this stuff. I need I get given great power. Further on in the book, it says with it you can avert death and misery for others. Not just other alcoholics in the immense process.

It's it's it revert death and misery to the people around us that we've so shockingly treated. I'll I'll say this in in in close. The alcoholic is like a tornado ruling its way through the lives of others. Yep. Inactive alcoholism and untreated bone powder dry in AA.

We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is not is enough. He's like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, don't see anything in the matter here, my ain't it grand, the wind stopped blowing. Reminds me of some AA meetings from where I'm from. I call them cyclone sellers.

Inside of there, we hear things all this middle of the road solution. Just don't drink and you're a winner. And you're outside. There's damage and destruction everywhere. Long period of reconstruction says we must take the lead.

You know, I was working with a guy the other day, 15 years untreated in Alcoholics Anonymous. And and, the type of sponsorship and the type of information that he'd been given is that if he sat there long enough and prayed long enough, those people would come to him. He didn't need to go out and and do anything. You see? And that's the type of information that we that we we hear in in our politics anonymous, and that's why I'm so passionate about telling the truth as it's laid out in here along with my experience.

We don't criticize those people. We just tell them what it is we need to do. What can we do to make it right? We don't criticise them. You know?

And here it is for the family especially as well and with other people in the men'sies that we are each morning in meditation that our creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindness, and love. You know, it goes into when we need to write a letter and valid reason for postponement in some cases, and it tells us what to do. If we can't see the person, we don't delay. There it is again. We must take the lead.

We don't delay. Delay. This is action, action, action, action. And then the 9th step promises. Sometimes they're called the promises.

They are the 9th step promises. My experience has been is that these 9th step promises did not come true in my life. Delusion will tell you they are on a good day, untreated, but these 9 step promises turned up big time in my life before I was halfway through, and it's then that the 9 step promises started showing up in my life. It says if we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we'll be amazed before we are halfway through. If you've got an amenity of a 100 people, cut it in half.

Look at the 50. Do those 50, and you're gonna be amazed. You're gonna get these promises before you've done that 50. That's what I do The guys I'm working with, there's 25 amends there. Okay.

Oh my god. What an order. I can't go through with it. Cut it in half. Do that lot.

You're gonna be amazed before we're halfway through. And I guarantee the power that you'll get when you when you are halfway through, the rest of those amends you're gonna be able to do no problem. Because you're gonna have power to do them. We're gonna know a new freedom and a new happiness. Not great in the past, no wish to shut the door on it.

We comprehend the word serenity, and we will know peace. Great. Coming from restless irritable discontent to peace. Good deal. No matter how far down the school, we will see how our experience could benefit others.

The feeling of uselessness and self self pity will disappear. Great. Because page 52 talks about the redivalents, uselessness, and self pity. That was how I lived bone powder, dry, and drinking. Now it's telling me halfway through the 9th step, that spiritual malady is gonna straighten out.

And it also says we will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self seeking will slip away. Well, that's great news because page 62 tells me that selfishness, self centeredness is the absolute root of the trouble. I can't wish it away on my own power. God can do it, and if I'm not rid of it, it's gonna kill me.

And he is saying, I need to get to amends, mate, do them halfway through, and the selfishness and self pity and losing interest in selfish things and self seeking will slip away. That's how we smash the selfishness and self centeredness by the by the unselfish action. Whole attitude about the common life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. But, see, this is if we are painstaking about this phase of our development, before we're halfway through, this is gonna start to happen in my life.

And I'm a product of the big book. I'm a product of the of the action and the promises in the big book, and all of that has happened for me. Thanks, Pete. I'm I'm done. Over to you.

Okay. Thanks, everyone. Welcome back. And, it's good. Pretty much everybody came back.

Here we go. Step 9. Step 8, I've got step 9. My my sponsor my original sponsor was very keen on step 9. And, he used to tell me that, that if I owed money, then whatever money I earned wasn't mine until I paid it off.

However, we go through some stuff in here and it's, I don't if if people are dependent on me and I have to look after I have to keep a roof over my head, etcetera. I work on terms. We'll get to that in a moment. But it says here that we're We're willing to go to any land of victory over alcohol. And this was the one that I really this was my bulking point, if you like, with step 9, that I I couldn't imagine myself knocking on doors.

I couldn't imagine myself, saying the things that I needed to say to these people, or even admitting that I'd stolen and I'd done other stuff. And so but what was really interesting was by the time I'd done step 5, and by the time I'd I'd, got through step 6 and 7, and my sponsor said, okay. Now we go out and repair the damage. And and and the deal the deal with with amends, it means repair. It means it doesn't mean sorry.

It means make good. Make good the past. So if I've done any damage, I've been so if you make good something, what you do is you if you knock down a wall, to make it good, you gotta rebuild it. And that's what we're into here, which is about sweeping away the debris. And so we gotta reach back.

And we gotta look back, and we gotta sweep away the the debris, and we've gotta make good the damage that we've done. That's that's, how what I was told to do. And, also, on page top of page 77 I'll jump around a bit as well. On page 77, it's really interesting because about two lines down, it says, our real purpose. Well, that's interesting.

I came here to get sober. I came here to stop drinking. Now, on page 77, they're telling what my real purpose is. And my real purpose is to fit myself to be of maximum service to God and the people around us. In in this that to fit myself is to train myself.

Get fit. Get fit. Yeah. To be of maximum service to god and the people around me. You see, if I'm dying of alcoholism, I'm gonna die.

Okay. I'm gonna go insane or die. I'm gonna pursue this to the gates of insanity or death. So my life is done. I'm cooked.

I come along and I say in step 3, I say, if I do this, god, and make this an example to the people I'm gonna help, look after my problems. So I've been kinda raised from I've been born again. I've been given another goal at a life that I nearly threw away driven on self will. So I've been reborn. I've been given another life.

It says in the book, we are reborn. I've been I should be dead. You see, I'm I'm I'm I'm sober longer than I drank. I'm not sober longer longer than I lived if you see what I mean, but I'm not the halfway there. But I drank for 24 years.

I started drinking when I was 14. Sorry. 20 years. I've stopped drinking when I I started drinking when I was 14. My equipment, I was 34.

So I drank for 20 years. I've been sober now, over 25 years. I shouldn't be alive. Alcoholics of my type don't reach 59. Because remember, I was a practicing suicide as well.

I didn't like me very much. Yeah. I didn't like what I was doing. I couldn't help but do it, but I'm not supposed to be here. So why shouldn't what else do I do?

I didn't get sober to make a lot of money. God seems to that. I didn't get get sober to get famous. I didn't get so I whatever. I believe what I got sober for is to be a maximum service to God and to the people around me.

The only way I know of being service to to to my creator is is to carry this message. That's the only way I know of doing it. I don't know any other way. I think I think we that's part of our special gift. That's part of the special gift of sober alcoholics because it also says in the book that that that, someone who's armed with the facts about himself can actually talk to another alcoholic and gain their confidence in a few hours where they've worked for years years years with other people nobody understands.

I understand. And I know what it feels like. I've been there. I can describe to you how you're feeling. That's a special gift.

And so the real purpose is to fit ourselves. So how do we fit ourselves? Well, somebody once said to me, what we do is we suit up and show up as the best example of this big book and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous in other people's lives that we possibly can. And what does this program ask me to do? What's interesting about the 9th step in the big book is that there is more pages devoted to the 9th step than there is any other step.

There's 8 sides here, And they give you lots and lots and lots of different scenarios and different, different examples of the lengths that we've got to go to. I mean, there's one guy in here, that was gonna go to jail because he he wasn't paying his his his previous wife. And he went that he he asked his fellows in Alcoholics and Arms, what do I do about it? And he said, we don't think they said here, we think we ought to be willing to necessary to go to jail. However, if he did, he couldn't provide for his for his family now.

So maybe we suggest the right first to his first wife admitting his faults and asking forgiveness. He did so and sent a small amount of money. He was also making the amends, actually paying the money. And he would try and and that's what he would try and do in the future and make a regular payment. I mean, that's why I did with the income tax.

I didn't pay income tax for an awful long time. I had to pay the income tax, and I paid the income tax on the installments. I said, I can't I can't give you all that I owe you. And they said, that's okay. What can you afford?

I mean, they were really nice about it. They don't get many people turning up and saying, excuse me, you can't wanna pay my income tax. And so I made a deal with them, and I paid them, year monthly installments. They were quite happy with that standing order. I didn't even notice it through my bank.

You see? And it gives us a lot a lot of stuff. So if it gives us 8 sides about this, and and what this means is to me, it means it's very important. And what happened was, you see, I I I started going to I paid back the, the wine merchant I stole from. I ended up in my end of my drinking.

I actually got a job as as a I was, working for a wine merchant and, I ended up in this little shed in the country, with big blue drums with on one big blue drum was stamped vodka and on the other big blue drum was stamped gin. And I and and I had a bottle some bottles, hard little sort of 5th bottles and a funnel, and I was filling up these bottles, and there was one for you and one for me. And I was blind most of the day. I mean, it's perfect job for an alcoholic, but I wasn't gonna live very long. But besides from that, I was also into the wine, and I I used to go and take the odd bottle of very, very good wine.

I mean, I couldn't taste it anymore. I mean, it is so and I figured out how about how much I owed them. I went and knocked on the door and I said, look. I I really think I owe you, quite a lot of money here because I was when I was working for you, oh, we remember you. And, you know, as I was stealing from you, and I think this is how much I owe you.

And, I mean, I don't know what the prices are these days because this is sometime down the road, but I'm willing to pay it off. And they said, oh, we didn't think it was you. We thought it was the owner's brother. And I went, oh, no. You know, look, I could've got away with it, but I couldn't get away with it.

You know? I hid behind someone else's alcoholism, and I can't do that. And they were very good about it, and they they they took the money. But you see what happened was that after I'd after I'd, done quite a lot of, quite a lot of my amends, I started to get the promises. And and, actually, I've even heard somebody say that when we have a few drinks, if you look at these promises, and when I have a put when I have a few drinks, I'm amazed before I'm halfway through the bottle.

And and I know a new freedom and new happiness. I all these promises I got from drinking, I did. I I can look at every one of them and say, yep. That's how I felt in the early days. That's how I felt when I was drinking.

So what's happened here is, by the time I get to step step 9, I'm getting rewarded, if you like. I'm getting what I got from alcohol in the early days by doing this stuff. I'm here in the 9th step promises. Now, these are sometimes read out read out at meetings, and they're just known as the promises, as Simon said. And I always say is we either do the work and get the promises or sometimes are we living in the promises hoping the steps are gonna show up?

Because I can kind of pretend some of this stuff. I can come into a meeting and say, oh, yeah. Fine. You know, this hour. Everything's great.

What's that? For an hour, I can do that. But follow me home. Follow me home, and then is my program working in my home? Are the people around me still the same as they were when I was drinking?

I'm just not drinking no more. See, this is one of the things that that that these steps I change by working these steps without knowing that I'm changing, but the people around me know. If we think, if if, if just stay and sober, if if an alcoholic says the only thing he needs is stay sober, ask the people who are living with him. Get him to ask the people that are living with me. I I asked the people living with me, am I better now?

My wife divorced me after 3 years, so she stayed with me for 14 years drinking. That's how good I was. But I started to feel these promises about halfway through my immense. Sometimes it wasn't my immense. And about this time, my life started to take off, and I started to get very busy.

And I was busy in AA, and I started to get very busy with life. And for a long time, I would tell you, for years, Saba, I would tell you that I've done all my amends. Done all the amends. I've done all the amends. I've done all the amends.

And around about 14 years sober, I was working in a, a situation and, I decided that, somehow or other, I I I didn't wanna this working idea was kinda heavy and, maybe and I wasn't getting much for what I was doing and maybe the idea of, it was about time I had my share as I thought other people were having. And I kind of hold my calls. I I, I thought, that I would have my share, you know. And I actively went out to try and marry money because I wanted my share. And I I started this research program mostly through adverts on in newspapers, lonely hearts adverts and stuff.

And I found someone. I found a great candidate, And I ended up in a place where I was very close to a drink. I was on the last I was in the first part of step 1. I knew I was powerless over alcohol, but my life was in in tatters. I was I was in a a very, very dark place, sober.

I I believe I was in completely, completely, so far dry drunk that I was actually insane. I was as close to, I wanted I wanted something. I knew I couldn't drink, but I wanted I wanted something. And I could go to page 52, and I could I could actually, look at and I I use page 52 as my barometer. And I always look at this and I turn those those bedevilments, and I'm halfway down page 52 into questions.

And I say, yeah, I was having trouble with personal relationships. Yeah, I couldn't control my emotional nature. I was having rage attacks. Rage attacks like red mist rage attacks. I they were almost like a blackout.

I was actually doing myself bodily harm in rage attacks. I was bouncing off the walls, punching holes in walls, sober, 16 years sober. I was afraid of misery and depression. I I couldn't make a living. I I was feeling useless.

I was full of fear. I was unhappy. I wasn't any help to anybody. I came through that and I started to do this again, and I revisited the work. Somebody somebody very very wise came along and said, sound like you need to really look at this again, and you really need to look through the steps again.

And when I came to do, when I came to do step, step 4 and 5 again, I realized that there was some amends from my first batch that I hadn't done. And they were mostly around relationships. They were around the relationship amends. I've done all the financial stuff. I've done all the all the all the stuff with with other people.

I I've gone and I've gone and offered, to I've done all the reparation with my family, with my first wife as well, and whatever. With my first wife, it was done. But around the other relationships, I had done no and I had a lot of relay. I was, when I was, when I was drinking, that was part of my pattern of drinking, was that I had a lot of affairs as well, and and it was and I'd never cleared that stuff up. And what I realized what had happened, what was happening was that it's kinda interesting.

In my case, it may maybe not anyone else's experience, but because I hadn't done those amends around around the sex amends, if you like, that I was still acting out the same way sober as I've been acting when I was drinking. Because I had no perspective on how I'd harmed other people, because I hadn't confronted them with what I'd what I'd done. Once I'd realized that, now this is some way down the line, I don't know where these people are, And I started to look for a couple of people, and I managed to find 1, and I managed to write a letter, and that was done. And there was someone else, that I actually took with me on a geographical. I used to do geographicals.

And this one, I took this particular person on a geographical with me. And kind of basically dumped dumped her basically in 6 months and kind of left her in a quite really precarious position. And I couldn't find this person, and I asked some mutual friends and they would they didn't say they said they didn't know where she was, all this kind of stuff. I went, and did some search stuff on the Internet. Couldn't find her anywhere.

Couldn't find her anywhere. And about 2 years ago, 3 years ago, she's still on my list, and I went back to Jersey, and I went to see someone, and I said, oh, you never you you hadn't, you still don't know where Colette is. And they said, oh, Colette died. And I said, well, I was looking for her. And she said, well, we didn't she was sick when you were asking, and we didn't wanna say.