Steps 1, 2 and 3 at a Big Book Study in Geneve, Switzerland

I just introduced this as Simon, and this is Peter from the France Primary Purpose Group. Thanks, Julia. Thank you, Julia. Good morning, everybody. My name is Peter.

I'm a recovered alcoholic. I gotta say thank you to Julia and everyone that's invited us here. There there was, someone someone asked, what where we come from, and what authority did we do this? Mhmm. And the reply is, I'm an alcoholic.

I've recovered through work in the 12 steps, and it guided my understanding, and I was asked. And when I'm asked to do something in our call center, I very rarely refuse. Why shouldn't I give away something that was freely given to me? I believe this is, this is kinda an open deal, and I know there's some of you in the room who who have been in for a while and whatever. And what I like to do with this is we're gonna be looking at the 12 steps, as as they're instructed to do in the big book of our colleagues and analysts.

And I like to start this off with, we brought god into the room just now with silence, and I'd also ask that, that power. A little little I use a little prayer. It's called set aside prayer. Before we start this, and, if you bear with me, I'd like to say this very very slowly. So you all hear and understand what it says.

God, please set aside everything I think I know about myself, the 12 steps, this book, the meetings, my disease, and most of all you, god, so I may have an open mind and a new experience with all these things. Please let me see truth. My my history is that my drinking history is that I I came to the fellowship in December 11, 1981. And at 16 years sober, I was that far away from the drink because I'd stopped doing what I was 12 step to do. I stopped working what I was what this book asked me to do, and I've reworked the work.

And, I had to lay aside a lot of what I thought I knew about the disease of alcoholism and about these steps, and I've relearned it. And, we're here today to to share our experience. We'll work in these steps with the aid of this book. It's interesting. We have a lot a lot of publications in our in our colleagues anonymous, and and I don't know if anybody's got a 4th edition with the dust cover on in the room today.

But inside the dust cover, it says, the first portion of this book had been, or something worse to those of that effect, had been the the sort of prime message of Alcoholics Anonymous. In the previous edition, it says it is. It sort of puts it in past tense. And I believe that that this is is our basic text. It says here, in the preface to this, it says, because this book became the basic text of our society and has helped a large number of alcoholic men and women to recover, there exists a sentiment against any radical changes being made to it.

Therefore, the first portion of this volume dealing with the AA recovery program has been left untouched in the course of revisions, etcetera, etcetera. And that's absolutely true. A couple of words were changed in the second edition, but that was it. And what what this book does, it it it first of all, in the first portion, so the first 44 pages of the book, it tells us about what what what's wrong with us. It's very important that we should know what's wrong with us.

And in the next portion, it tells us how to get well. And, actually, the actual program of Alcoa's anonymous is this bit here from page 44, which starts to deal with the second step to page 97. Not very much. Very, very thin part of the book. And that's the bit we're gonna be talking about.

This little thin bit here. Very easy to miss. Yeah. I'm gonna start off by giving us some ideas about what's wrong with us. The doctor's opinion, was written by a man called doctor Silkworth.

Doctor Silkworth was, at the time, a sort of world expert. He worked for a very, quite a prestigious hospital, quite a small hospital, quite a prestigious hospital that specialized in the treatment of alcoholics and drug addicts. And he was kinda like a bit of an expert, but you wouldn't tell that from from the doctor's opinion. But, and he was very modest about what he did, but he worked with thousands of drunks over his, lifetime. When he wrote the doctor's opinion, he'd worked with probably 5,000 drunks at the time.

And everything that he says in here was by observation. He made these opinions by observation. He had no medic he he had no scientific backup. And what's really, really interesting is that science seems to have caught up with what doctor Silkworth, observed in this thing. You know?

And we, doctor Silkworth says that men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. I didn't like it. I loved it. And this is the sensation is so elusive that while I admit it, it's endured in furious. Now, I couldn't Is it elusive?

No. The effect for me was very quick, but but actually it was elusive because I couldn't recapture it. And it only lasted for a little while, and I always overdrank. That's where it's elusive. I could it took me a while to figure that one out, but it's elusive because I know what I'm after and it's very difficult to get it.

And it says here that they they cannot after a time different differentiate the truth from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems like the only normal one or seems the only normal one. When I'm in it, I don't know I'm in it because it seems normal. They are restless, irritable, and discontented unless they can against again by taking a few drinks drinks that they see other people taking with impunity. And didn't I do that when I was drinking?

Didn't I see other people getting away with it? And I had a resentment against the whole world because they could get away, but I couldn't. And I wanted to drink like other people. I never could. And I was irritable, restless, and discontent, restless, irritable, and discontent.

I had it described as terminal dissatisfaction. That's what I had, and alcohol fixed it for a while. Alcohol was my buddy. But I had no idea what was wrong with me when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. No idea what was wrong.

And I thought, quit drinking. It's all gonna be okay. And when we come to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was lucky. I I came in. I was wrestling with this book and it says and it goes on it describes what was wrong with me to start with.

What is what is what begins to be wrong with me and and I know this is open and whatever, but this book is designed was designed for alcoholics. And, what it does over about 2 or 3 pages, it actually finds out whether you are 1 or not. It starts on page 20 and it says that if you're an alcoholic who wants to get over it, you may already be asking, what do I have to do? And that was my question when I came to alcoholism. What do I got what do I got to do?

And it says, this is the purpose of this book to book to answer such questions specifically. It's gonna be specific in the way that it answers the questions. It's not gonna be general. It's not gonna be somewhere in ballpark. It's gonna be specific.

It's gonna actually answer the questions that we've got. And he goes on to say that many times people have said, why can't he leave it alone? I can leave it alone. Why can't he why can't he quit? Drink like a gentleman or quit.

Can't handle your liquor, all that kind of stuff. And and and I identify with that. Lot a lot of people said that about me. And it it describes 3 kinds of drinkers in here. It describes a moderate drinker.

Moderate drinker has little trouble in giving liquor entirely if they have good reason to do it. They're the kind of people who can take it and leave it alone. They drive me nuts. They'll sit there with half a glass, you know, like that. It's evaporating.

No. And I'm going, go on. Go on. Drink it. Drink it.

Have another one, you know. I still give alcoholic measures when when I'm pouring water and stuff. It's never half a glass. Never. You know?

And I would look at a glass like that, and it, for me, would be half empty. Most people say it's half full. You know, it's, some people describe it as alcohol abuse, moderate drinkers. And they say things like, do you want another one? I say, do you want another one?

Oh, no. I've had 2. I'm beginning to feel it. Right. That's when I start that's when I wanted.

They they didn't really go home. That's when I wanted I wanted to feel it. That's that's where I want. That's where I wanted to that's where I wanted to stay. That's the elusive bit.

That's where I wanted to stay. And, of course, I never did, but that's the big. And then it says there's certain type of hard drinking. We may have had the habit badly enough to gradually impair him physically and mentally. It may cause him to die a few years before his time.

If sufficient is strong reason, ill health, falling in love, change of environment, or the warning of a doctor becomes operative, this man can also stop or moderate, although he may find it difficult, troublesome, and may even need medical attention. Hard drinkers look like alcoholics hard drinkers drink as much as alcoholics Some hard drinkers drink more than alcoholics. They look like us. They have some of the symptoms that we've got. They shake a lot sometimes.

They throw up in the mornings. And somebody told me when I first come to alkalcinomas, you're thrown up in the morning. You're either alcoholic or pregnant. And in your case, I think it's probably alcoholism. And they go to treatment and stuff, and sometimes they get called alcoholics.

Now, our book asks us to identify whether we are or not. I said I was alcoholic because I I complied with some of the symptoms in here. I wasn't told that I was alcoholic. And I always say to people, if someone has told you you're an alcoholic, check it out. Check it out.

Because it's very very easy to lump it all together. And I also hear another lie sometimes, and I believe it's a lie, that alcohol and drug addiction is the same deal. And I don't believe that. It says here, what about the real alcoholic? And so and sometimes I introduce myself as a real alcoholic and people get really bit grindy about that.

He said, it may start off a moderate drinker, may become a continuous hard drinker, At some stage, he's drinking too. He begins to lose all control over his liquor consumption once he starts drinking. Once he starts drinking. The doctor describes that as a manifestation of an allergy. He he observed this in us.

We have no way of knowing. And he says in here, he said, we believe or so suggested a few years ago that the action of alcohol and chronic alcoholics, chronic meaning we have it for life, chronic disease you've got for life, is a manifestation of analogy. The phenomenon of craving, I have no control over how much I drink once I start drinking because my body says put more in. My head says stop. My body says put more in.

It's limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. Never. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all, and once having formed the habit, they found they cannot break it. Once they've lost self confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them, and they become astonishingly difficult difficult to solve. Are your problems piling up on you and becoming intolerant becoming astonishingly difficult difficult to solve?

I found that in sobriety. We'll talk about that later. So, I got something wrong with my body. That when I put alcohol inside my body, my body says more. It's it's the rate that I metabolize alcoholism alcohol.

I metabolize alcohol slower than some some folks. It changes chemicals. I end up with something called acetaldehyde, which is hanging around in my bloodstream, which is doing an irreparable damage to my liver and my pancreas. It's really nasty stuff. It ends up as as, other chemicals.

I won't go into it. I'm not an expert. I'm an alcoholic. But somewhere along the line, it produces a chemical that says to me, more. I put more in.

It builds up this chemical that says more. This is a disease of more. And this is fine as long as I don't drink. But I got another problem. I got another problem.

I've got a problem with my head that says, next time it'll be different. Next time, I can drink and get away with it. When I came to a first step says, we admitted we were powerless over alcohol. And often people say, and? There's no and there.

There's a dash. We admitted that our lives have become unmanageable. There's 2 ideas in the first step. 2 ideas. I'm powerless over alcohol when I put it inside my body.

I put alcohol inside my body, the alcohol says more. My body says more, the craving for our heart. The second half, I admitted that, my life had become unmanageable. I cannot manage the decision not to drink. That's the unmanageability of my I cannot manage the decision to drink.

It says somewhere else in the book that that at times we are unable, We have no defense against the first drink. Now I guarantee you that I that somewhere down the line, drunk also, but I'm gonna be in that position. I have no mental defense against the first drink. Yeah. That's what that's alcoholic.

That's the nature of alcoholism for me. It's an allergy of the body with a strange mental condition, sort of mental blindness, that I can drink like normal people, and that next time it's gonna be different. In spite of all the evidence. In spite of all the evidence. I'm running out.

Do you wanna, pick up on that? Yeah. Go for it. Yeah. Thanks, Peter.

Good morning, everybody. My name is Simon Clark. I'm a recovered alcoholic. Grateful to be here. First things first, I'd just like to thank, Julia and the committee for this, invitation to do this, workshop with you this weekend.

I'm very happy to be here, and looking forward to this weekend. My home group is the primary purpose group of Alcoholics Anonymous in the south of France. We are a big book study group. We study and we practice the 12 step program of recovery as it's outlined in the first a 164 pages, of the fellowship's basic text, which is which is called the big book. We are not the most popular group amongst Alcoholics Anonymous where we come from because we do that, which is the doctor's opinion says is that, in the in the course of his third treatment, he acquired certain ideas concerning the possible means of recovery, those certain ideas being the 12 steps.

As part of his rehabilitation, he commenced to present his conceptions to other alcoholics, impressing upon them they must do like wise with still others, 12 step work. This has become the basis of a rapidly growing fellowship of these men and their families. In the very early days, these people worked the 12 steps quickly, had spiritual experience, turned around, worked with others. And and that the the book was based on that, to give people the 12 steps to recover, have a spiritual experience, and go and work with people. And the book is the basic text.

The fellowship got its name from the basic text, and, for some reason or other, that that seems so controversial in our fellowship today. Anyway, we study and we practice the the 12 steps outlined in that book. Our mother group is the primary purpose group in Dallas, Texas, and what they do is they do the same deal, we do the same deal where we are, so we're linked to those guys who do that. I spent a long time trying to get sober. And I tried every possible means of trying to get sober that was out there.

I started drinking at 13. The illness progressed, and it nearly killed me at 22 by suicide attempt. And I drank a lot, and I wanted to stop. Had to stop. Needed to stop.

Couldn't stop. And I tried everything. Detox, counselors, therapists, Couldn't stop drinking. Could stop for periods of time, but inside of me, living in my own skin was horrendous. Like, voices driving me crazy in my head.

I had this restlessness, this irritability, this discontentment, boredom, doubt, agitation, all of this stuff going on inside me, and I had to drink to treat that. I didn't know it was alcoholism at the time. They they told me I may be alcoholic, but I didn't understood what it meant to be alcoholic. And then, subsequently, I was in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous. I picked up 5 1 year chips in 5 years, trying to get by on on what the book talks about as a middle of the road solution.

And I tried every everything that these people in Alcoholics Anonymous, asked me to do. You know? And what Peter just read there was so true. You know, what do I have to do? 90 meetings in 90 days.

Well, I'd do 90 meetings in 90 days, and I'd still drink. I'd do 90 meetings in 90 days, and my life didn't get better as a result of doing that. You know, I became all of this internal, discomfort started to happen. I wasn't able to manage my money. I was having trouble in personal relationships.

I was afraid to misery and depression. And, subsequently, the more meetings I'd make, the more progressive that internal condition became. So the more you heard about it, and I was encouraged to keep coming into meetings and sharing about that in the same belief that it would go away, and it didn't. So I've recovered from alcoholism, and drug addiction. I'm a member of both fellowships.

I'm also a member of of cocaine anonymous. What I don't do is confuse the 2 up. I I respect this principle of singleness of purpose, and and when I'm in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, I introduce myself as a recovered alcoholic. And when I meet in a meeting of CA, cocaine anonymous, I introduce myself as a recovered drug addict. I don't separate myself from everyone else in the room with with ANDA.

Right? And, and nor should I continue to do that. You know? So I I remember both fellowships, and I pretty believe keeping it in this keeping it separate. As Peter said, it is very different.

Very different. You listen to a 5th step from a from a cocaine addict, and then you go and listen to a 5th step from an alcoholic, and you really see the difference in in in that illness. And I get get to do both. I work with men in both fellowships. Just to recap on on what Peter was saying, the the very, very early stages of this book, the forward to the 1st edition, forward to the 2nd edition, and I won't go into to the real detail around it, but they these people make so much reference to the importance of 12 step work in these very, very early pages.

You know, in forward to the the second edition, it makes reference to 12 step work half a dozen times. And it says that this proved to be that that one alcoholic could affect another as no non alcoholic could. It has also indicated that strenuous work, one alcoholic with another, was vital to permanent recovery. I finally was greeted with the humility to follow some directions under the guidance of a sponsor. Peter is my sponsor.

Taught me what was wrong with me in this book. Guided me through the 12 steps as they're outlined here. The spiritual experience took place. And if I don't do anything stupid and god wants me sober, in 4 days, I'm gonna celebrate 4 years. Yeah.

Now I have never ever been able to stay sober on my own power or to experience what I've experienced over the last 4 years on my own power, ever. I'm pretty rigid about this book, and I it's the truth. It's the truth. So it makes reference to to 12 step work an an awful lot in the forward to the second edition. It also talks about how the fellowship grew on the basis of the book.

Not on the basis of of of open discussion meetings. On the basis of the book, the fellowship grew The doctor's opinion, again, emphasizes the importance of of 12 step work. And, you know, the doctor Silkworth talks about, you know, that this physical allergy, And that whenever I put alcohol inside my body, I drank when I didn't really wanna drink. But I I I drank. And as soon as that stuff entered my system, it was an absolute relief internally, and I couldn't stop once I started.

Craving took place. I didn't know the I didn't know the the phenomenon of craving was taking place when I first took a drink. It's I just wanted more. I love the way I love the way it made me feel. It says men and women essentially drink for the effect produced by alcohol.

Same for the other drugs, you know. I I as a cocaine addict I know this is an open deal here, so I will make reference to that. As a cocaine addict, I I do it for the effect produced by it. You know, it changes the way I feel and think. And that phenomena, McCraving, is is limited to alcoholism.

Moderate drinkers, you can take it or leave it alone. Hard drinkers do not suffer from the phenomena called craving, And Silkworth writes it's limited to this class of the real alcoholic. Also goes on to say that the message which can interest and hold these alcoholic people must have depth and weight. That's That's what the book says. And in all cases, their ideals must be grounded in a power greater than themselves if they are to recreate their lives.

The depth and weight is this. We have an absolute guaranteed spiritual experience waiting for us to take place. By the spiritual experience, very similar to the one described on page 27. I'll read it to you. It says these spiritual experience appear to be in the in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements.

Ideas, emotions, and attitudes, which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men, women, are suddenly cast to one side and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them. That spiritual experience had taken place within me. And the more I work and rework the steps, the more it happens. Because of the physical allergy I have, I cannot control how much I drink or how much cocaine I use once I start to use it. Other people could.

They'd drink 5 or 6, stop, go back to work for the afternoon, and get on with their jobs without any problem at all, drinking with impunity. I'd drink 3 or 4 with with lunch. Promise I wasn't gonna drink 5 or 6, but I'd go back and do the same. But you see, sometimes I'd go back and do the same, but I'd be at work thinking about 5 o'clock when I'm gonna be able to drink again. These men were thinking about their families, you know, going home to their families.

I'm thinking, I can't do that. I need to drink. Couldn't concentrate on my work for the afternoon. It was absolutely useless in the workplace. You know, I was just thinking about the next drink.

And that phenomena, McCraving, developed. I'd passed it through the well known stage of Esprit, emerging remorseful with a firm resolution not to drink again, and I'd really mean it. I'm not gonna do that tomorrow. I was useless. I didn't make my sales numbers.

My boss was pissed off with me. I wasn't able to do this. I'm never gonna do it again. And mean it. And I better make that decision for a day or 2.

And if you're coming for lunch, yeah, I can have a drink. Okay. 3 days later, you know, I'd end up, you know, vomiting blood, in sordid spots with people I should not have been with, smoking a crack pipe, and I only went out for a few beers with lunch. That's what the phenomenon of craving does within me. I'm unable to stop once I start.

Why can't I stay stopped? Why why is it that I am not able if it's so injurious to me and I end up in all of these situations, why is it that I can't just stop? I have a mind that it talks it talks so specifically about and more about alcoholism. I have a mind where a thing comes in called a strange mental blank spot, where when I'm faced with the first drink, my mind doesn't remember the suffering or the consequences of a week or even a day ago or a month ago when I'm faced with the first drink. I'll make a firm resolution.

I'm not gonna drink again. I'm not gonna do it. Not gonna do it. Here's how. And then I'd be drinking again.

And everybody around me could say, well, hang on a second. If this guy can't control him and he gets in all of these situations, the the different debacles that the book talks about, why is it he can't stay stopped? Just don't drink. And people were telling me, just don't drink for 6 years while I was drinking. But yet I'd come into Alcoholics Anonymous, age 22, and people would tell me the same thing.

But I can't just not drink. If it was a question of just not drinking, I'd make a decision, stick to it, and everything will be okay. But I suffer from a thing called estrangement or blank spot, a curious mental phenomenon that the book talks about in more about alcoholism, in that my mind will convince me that next time I'm gonna be able to to drink like a normal person, next time it's gonna be different, and then even when I, you know, crashed my car, nearly killed somebody in a drink driving accident, even when I you know, there was some violence in the home, when I was vomiting blood. I don't remember that that stuff. And it's alcoholism is a form of of mental insanity, and and I suffer from that.

And I'm unable to stay away from it. That's the mental piece with the physical piece. Physical allergy, I can't control the amount I drink once I start. I can't guarantee you how much I'm gonna drink. My mind will tell me that I can guarantee you how much I'm gonna drink, but I can't stay away from it.

Lack of choice. I've lost the power of choice in drink, and it says so in italics on page 24. I can't just not drink. You know? What I needed to have was what it it talked about in the doctor's opinion there, The message of depth and weight, a deep and effective spiritual experience that removed the way I thought, changed the way I thought, and emotionally rearranged me inside.

Because if I don't get emotionally rearranged inside, I am not gonna be able to sit comfortably and live comfortably in this world. And after a while left unattended in that condition, which I I have I I have been in that condition 5 years in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous, I will drink again. Because it becomes so uncomfortable in my own skin, I've gotta treat that. Straight to the alcohol. Want to stop doing the alcohol?

Straight to the cocaine. Can't drink too much without doing cocaine towards the end. Had to score cocaine when I was drinking. Never gonna do that again. Back to the alcohol.

Don't wanna drink again because I end up doing cocaine, so what do I do? Oh, I'll just do cocaine. Boom. 1 to the other. Both of them, I've lost the power of choice over.

The other stuff, given sufficient reason, I can stop. Didn't like the way it made me feel. Didn't want it. But the effect produced by both of those chemicals, I love, but I can't stay away from it. Now that condition, as Peter talked about and I've just mentioned, the physical allergy along with the mental obsession, that is a progressive, fatal condition, and it will kill us.

If left unattended without the deep and effective spiritual experience produced by the 12 steps, that would kill us. And it nearly did me at the age of 22 when I had a I attempted suicide. Didn't know what to do. Tried every imaginable ways of getting sober. At the age of 22, I I attempted suicide.

Wasn't a cry for help. Wanted wanted to die. Wanted to die. And then that was the condition that nearly killed me again 5 years into Alcoholics Anonymous, just not drinking, going to meetings, 90 meetings in 90 days. Well, I feel like this today.

Well, I'll just go and read a page of living sober or read page 449, read acceptance. Everything will be alright. Internal condition started eating me alive again. I needed to have a deep and effective spiritual experience. I haven't had the desire to drink, or I haven't had the desire to take cocaine for nearly 4 years.

And as a result of that, my life has got progressively better. I have access to and belief in a power greater than myself through working the 12 steps of alcoholics and all that. So much, you know, we can say about that. Can I just go back to page 23? It says on top of page 23, therefore, the main problem the alcoholic centers in his mind rather than his body.

And it says that, if you ask him why he started on his last bender, the chances he will offer some, one any one of a 100 alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility. Somebody once told me, he said, when an alcoholic is drinking, it's like asking a fish why he lives in water. You can come up with some ideas, but really doesn't really know. I didn't really know.

I had lots of excuses. And it says down here, once in a while, he may tell the truth. And the truth, strange to say, is usually I have no more idea about why he took the first drink than you have. But I like that line. Once in a while, he may tell the truth.

My my old sponsor used to say to me, how how do you know when a newcomer's lying? His mouth is moving. I didn't know I was a pathological liar. I I've got a persistent liar now. I know.

You're talking to me, I say, oh, yeah, I know. Oh, no, I don't. It's part of my makeup. It's part of it's my part of my auto autopilot. It's I lie.

That's what I did all my life. And it says here, it's it's I had this obsession. There is an obsession that somehow someday he will beat the game. Now, if I start these steps with that idea that one day somehow I may beat the game, I haven't admitted I'm powerless. You see, the step 1, for me, step 1 has to be complete surrender.

It has to be complete acceptance. Like like a like a a diabetic accepts that they can't have sugar. I'm an alcoholic. I cannot take alcohol in any form. The book says the book's really good about this.

It's it wouldn't talk about more about alcoholism. And just before we go on to that, just to finish off with this, this part, there is a solution. The the bit in italics on page 24 and everything written in italics, I was once told was very, very important. They're trying to make a point. And from page 24 in italics, it says the fact that most our colleagues for reasons yet obscure.

We don't have we don't I don't need to explain the reason. I just have to accept it. I've lost the power of choice over drink. I've heard people say in meetings, I choose not to drink today. I can't do that.

If I could do that, I wouldn't be here today. I would be out having a life. I'm having a life today because I do this. This is lovely. I'm not saying that I'm not allowed to be here.

But you know what I mean? Do you see what I'm saying? I I that I wouldn't have come I wouldn't come to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean, I listen to my story. It's sad.

You know, it's sad. It's a story of obsession and darkness, and I wouldn't wanna do that. A so called willpower becomes practically non existent. We are unable at certain times to bring into consciousness with sufficient force the memory of suffering and emulation of, a week or a month ago, we are out without defense against the first drink. I got sober in December 11, 1981, and on a regular basis, I asked myself, am I an alcoholic?

I go back to step 1 and say, am I without defense against the first drink? Am I powerless over alcohol? Do I do I really think I'm still an alcoholic? Sometimes it makes me feel quite frightened that I can do that, and immediately comes into mind. I I really believe I am.

The idea that someday, this goes back more about alcoholism, the idea someday will someday will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession. That's the great obsession. Control and enjoy. When I was controlling, I wasn't enjoying. I could control my drinking for a while, but I didn't enjoy it.

If I was enjoying it, I wasn't controlling. Yeah. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it to the gates of insanity or death. I pursued it to the gates of insanity.

I pursued it to the edge of death. I was a practicing alcoholic and a practicing suicide. I never learned how to drink, but I was getting better at killing myself. I nearly succeeded. I nearly succeeded.

I had 3 goals. I very nearly succeeded. Now this is it. We learned we fully concede fully concede to our innermost selves that we are alcoholic, fully concede to my innermost self. I have a body that doesn't do alcohol, period, But I tell it says here the delusion.

Now, delusion is inside me. Illusion is outside of me. Delusion is in here, That we are like other people presently or presently maybe has to be smashed. I mean, smashed, broken into little pieces. This book is actually very, very strong in the words they use, and it's it was written, with consultative.

It was a group effort. Bill wrote a wrote a page and sent the pages off to be looked at by the other people in in the fellowship, and they can make corrections and sent it back. And it's a group effort. This was made on group consciousness based on their on their experience. They're saying here, we don't like to pronounce anyone alcoholic.

Though my my first sponsor said, the guy at 12 Stepney said, well, you you you drink like a you drink like an alcoholic. You look like an alcoholic. You're throwing up like an alcoholic. In my your case, you're probably alcoholic. But it says here, it's an individual alcoholic.

You you can best you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest bar room and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Now I get accused to tell us to in in in sometimes in the rooms of saying this in the rooms, and people say, you're telling people to go out and drink. If you've got a doubt, yeah.

Go. If you're not done, go get done. Serious. Go get done. Because it says in here, there is a solution, but none of us like it.

And you gotta be you gotta be ready to grab this like a drowning person because that's the only way it's gonna work. And if you ain't done, go get done. Because if you're not done, you will go and do it again somewhere down the line. It doesn't matter how much step work you do, you're gonna go get drunk again because you have a lurking notion that you you presently can be like other people. And this is try it more than once, And what that is, it's something called the Martiman test.

Martiman was the first woman who stayed sober in alcoholism, and it was long term. And the Martie Mantest was take 2 drinks, just 2, no more, no less, but take 2 drinks every day at lunchtime for 6 months. And if you don't get drunk, you're probably not an alcoholic. You can't save them up till the end of the week. My head says that immediately.

Oh, I won't drink for 3 or 4 days, and I go, I'm all at once. And now I'm an alcoholic, when I think like that, the idea of having 2 drinks at lunch time every day for a month or even a week, I know I can't do it. I know I can't. So even the idea of that is I'm a real alcoholic. What sort of thinking is is is I'm I'm mystified.

I can't I came to Alcoholics Anonymous mystified about what was wrong with me until somebody explained to me that I have an allergy of the body and this mental obsession, this this mental twist that says at certain times, I really cannot recall what it was like. And I need a solution. And and our second step says our second step says that we came to believe and if I if I have admitted I'm powerless in the depth of my core of my being, I am powerless. If I put alcohol into me, I know my body reacts reacts. When it says allergy, it's abnormal reaction.

I have an abnormal reaction. It's based on the function of my liver and pancreas. The more, the more I drink, the more my liver and pancreas become damaged, the less well it metabolizes alcohol. Age does the same thing. I know that if if I drank now, I would be worse than before because age is is my metabolism doesn't work as well as it did when I was 34 when I when I actually quit.

So even though it's the damage is still going on. But it says here, we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Oh, I'm insane. It actually says I'm insane. Yes, I am.

I am inside. I have a I suffer from a subtle insanity. The subtle insanity that says real isn't real. It's a delusion. I'm I'm delusion.

I got a delusion. I got a delusion that someday I might get a drink like other people. Now I can't fix my mind with a mind that's broken. My way of thinking is broken. Now, if I could go I went and used to go see psychiatrists and stuff, because I had no idea what was wrong with me.

I used to say I was depressed, and I had depression explained to me by a psychiatrist one time when I'm sober. He He said depression. Clinical depression happens suddenly, usually with an identifiable cause. Suddenly. Yeah.

And it might be a good thing. It might be a bad thing. It might be a marriage. It might be a death. It might be something, but afterwards, it it happens, depression.

When did yours start? Do you know I couldn't tell him? I suffered from terminal discontent. Nothing was any ever any good. And I used to walk around.

Couple of drinks was cool. Couple more, it was no good anymore. Yeah. So that's that's the so I'm suffering from this mind that will tell me I can drink. So I but I can't go in there with my thinking and fix my thinking, because my thinking will tell me that it's all okay.

So I got a bit of a problem here. I need a power, And I need a power, and it's in capital. I need a power greater than myself. Well, I was brought up a Catholic. I was, the moment I heard that, I went, oh, I know where this is going.

Not sure I want any of that. But Billy, bless him, said to me, he said, there's we're gonna talk about God. And so there's 2 things you need to know about God. One of them, there is there is 1, and the other one, it isn't you. And it says that we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves.

I need this quickly. How quickly can I come to believe? I've got a mind that's gonna tell me I'm gonna drink. I've got a mind that's gonna tell me that in a 2 or 3 days, I'm gonna be irritable, restless, and discontent without a drink. If I don't drink, if I come to meetings and just don't drink, my disease, my what's wrong with me, starts to really grab hold of me.

A week without a drink and I'm really there. I am very irritable. I am very discontent. I'm very miserable. So I need this quickly, and these three steps these first three steps go together.

These first three steps go together. Mid to Palace over Alkirk, obvious. It was obvious. Once I came came to it, I mean, one night I cried out, god help help me. I I can't do this no more.

I'm gonna die. And I believe I was given enough time, this period of grace, to to start working this stuff. Power greater than me restored me to sanity. The very next day that I did that, I didn't I didn't drink, and it was the first time in like 5 years I didn't drink. I had 24 hours without a drink.

It wasn't me. I didn't wanna drink for 6 months before that and I drank every day. It wasn't me. I asked, something came. Something gave me the power not to drink for one day and Billy came in and said, okay.

You need a power greater than yourself. You need to be restored to sanity. So it's saying that I'm insane. It says in in on chapter 5, it says half availed us nothing. I can't do step 1 as a half measure.

I can do step 1 as a half measure and say I'm mitted over Palosso railcar, but I might still be able to manage some of my life. Yeah. I can put a but in that dash. But, God can have my alcoholism, but I'll look after the relationships and the money and all the other stuff. Yeah.