A Cocaine Anonymous Workshop in Toronto, Canada

My name is Leila. I'm a recovered cocaine addict. Welcome back to the special meeting group of Cocaine Anonymous. We're moving on now to our 3rd segment, which are gonna be about steps 45. I'm just gonna read a really quick blurb, to it's like summing up what Chris was talking about, the open mindedness to a power greater than ourselves and making the decision in the 3rd step.

So when they're talking about here, though our decision, what decision, the decision in the 3rd step. So they're saying that it's a crucial and vital step. It can have little permanent effect. Because on page 64, we're about to launch into a step 4. It can have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in ourselves which had been blocking us.

Our liquor or our cocaine or a crack, whatever, fill in the blank. Our liquor was but a symptom, so we had to get down to causes and conditions. Therefore, we started upon a personal inventory. This was step 4. A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke.

It goes on to talk, but we did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. 1st, we searched out the flaws in our makeup which caused our failure. Being convinced that self manifested in various ways was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations. So to talk about those manifestations and the solution to them please help me again to welcome Chris R Thanks.

Look. Some people here actually came back. That's as good. You can tell the little the little thumpers. I, a couple of things to say real quick.

My name's Chris Raymer. I'm a recovered, drug addict. I, here I mean, I got I'm gonna I'm I'm looking for a word. I suck at charades too. I mean, I I can't.

Somehow, sometimes, because I get feedback from a lot of you guys, and I get feedback through emails, and phone calls, and Internet, nice long letters, and blah blah blah, but some sometimes, we get this in this idea that that my place in life is to come into a room and stir up a bunch of controversy and piss a bunch people off and be a henchman, and, well, that is so not what I wanna do. I know in the I have done that in the past. I know just like some of y'all have done that in the past, but let's let's, you know, let's we're we're gonna talk about some stuff this afternoon that a lot of people hold near and dear. One of the things we'll talk about in the next hour is, working with others and trying to help other alcoholics and drug addicts get on this spiritual path. And I know some of you guys are so I mean, it's well, my I mean it's Well, my sponsor says this.

Well, rock on. I'm I mean, I'm not gonna sit up here and argue with your sponsor. Right? My counselor said this, rock on. I'm sure you know, I don't think in 7 years of Alcoholics Anonymous, In N Out, when I was trying to get sober, I don't think any one of those people ever tried to hurt me.

I've I've been in therapy for 10 years, and I don't before I got sober, and I don't think anybody ever intentionally tried to hurt me. Make sense? Every every hospital I ever went to had my best interest at heart, and I I'm not gonna take away from any of that. I'm just saying that some of us in this room need to start unlearning some things. The the the question that my sponsor asked, and I've heard several of y'all mention it here is, let me ask you the question.

How is it working for you? Because if it's working for you, just ignore what the little one eyed guy is saying up there on the podium. Don't worry about that. I mean, if you're happy, joyous, and free, and you're kicking butt, you've never worked the 12 steps, man, I I you know, I said it when we started this. I'm not here to argue with anything around that line.

Go ahead. My heart goes out to the people that have been dry for a period of time in the fellowship. They're bone powder dry. They're they're 4 years sober, and they're talking to me about suicide. Now something's wrong here, guys.

Something's not right, and that's my heart goes out to them. What they're dealing with is not clinical depression. What they're dealing with is untreated alcoholism, untreated drug addiction. And I gotta say this again and we can move on. Nowhere in the book does it say that going to meetings will treat alcoholism or drug addiction.

Going to meetings is not gonna do it. I know some of you guys little cat earlier, you know, well, I know, you know, you're saying some opinionated things and you're saying listen. I'm coming straight out of the big book. With the exception of me taking in a group's inventory, I With the exception of me taking in a group's inventory, I I am not sharing any opinions with you. I'm sharing what's the book tries to to tell us.

And the fact that some of you haven't read the book is not my problem. It's I I don't know what to tell you. Having said that, we're fixing to talk about 4 step, where you could put my name in the first column. As I I don't wanna. Because I love you.

And I the last thing I wanna do is make anybody uncomfortable. I'm just saying, you can do this. Okay. But just this idea that you this the the the the thought that you can come into Alcoholics Anonymous or Cocaine Anonymous, any of the 12 step fellowships and do it any way you want is ludicrous. You follow?

I mean, I think the steps are so open and roomy, it's not even funny. I gotta say this right, dawg, going in the door. I think the steps are a lot more lenient than you a lot of y'all give it credit with. I mean, I don't I don't care if you if you stand up and do a 3rd step prayer or get on your knees and do a 3rd step prayer. Y'all follow?

I it's just you're you're you're splitting hairs. What the book gets critical about is 1, let's make sure that the newcomer understands what the problem is. There's a 100 pages that outline the 12 steps in the big book, a 100 pages. Sixty of those pages are about the first step. So Bill Wilson was pretty clear.

You get some bozo coming in, just coming off a big old big old drunk. Oh, I know I'm an alcoholic. You don't anymore know than the man in the moon. You know you've got a problem with alcohol. You with us?

Back in the back of the book, doctor Bob's there's a line in there that says he had much knowledge about himself as an alcoholic, but he didn't really understand fully what it meant to be an alcoholic. And that says this is the cofounder of Alcoholics Anonymous. Everybody, we can get detox coming in our hospital. We can ask them, oh, I'm an alcoholic. I'm a dope fiend.

I'm an until about 4 or 5 days later when their ego starts to rebuild, and now you can't get their nose that far away from that girl's you you with us? I mean, it's just like all of a sudden they're waking up and they're not they're not showing up to group on time. They're not doing anything. Why? Because I said, well, where did I thought you said you knew about alcoholism and drug addiction, that you were one of us.

You follow? Once you have a first step experience and you know nothing's gonna get in the way with you in recovery, y'all understand that? Nice little housewife and she's there and she's fixing to go to a meeting. Right? She's got a sponsor she's gonna go work with and the husband looks over and says, I don't think you need to go to a meeting tonight.

I think you need to spend a little time with me and the kids. And she looks at the husband, tells him to kiss her butt, and she gets her book and she goes to a meeting. That's a woman that's had a first step experience. You'll follow? If she's doing that every day, now we got a problem.

Because now she's ignoring the family in place of the of the meeting. Our fellowship was never intended to pull you away from life. It was intended to allow you to reenter the mainstream of life and go out there and kick butt. If you've got to go to a meeting every day to stay sober, you're not recovered. If you if you wanna go because you wanna go, that's your right.

Makes sense? But if we're painting a picture that you got Uh-uh. Uh-uh. The problem we were talking at lunch The problem is that we end up picking a lot of people to green. You know that expression?

We get you before you're ready. We start jamming this down your throat when you're not ready. And that's why we have such few people stay sober and our success rates are through the toilet is because we have too much going on with that. If you're not ready, we're gonna be here when you are ready. Rock on.

But I'm not gonna waste my time talking to somebody that just wants to argue with me 247. And that this this last hour, we're gonna talk about working with others, and that's what we're gonna that's what we're gonna speak about. I'm just saying this again. I just wanna apologize if I've stepped on anybody. If if sitting in these rooms without a spiritual contact and you're managing to stay sober, you're I'm just saying it again.

You're so welcome in our fellowship. Thank you for coming. I I just please don't share your experience with any newcomers because you'll you may kill the real cocaine addict sitting next to you. And it's not your right to do that. Make sense?

The good thing is this. You don't have to do it my way. I guarantee you. I've said it from a 1000000 podiums. We don't need any more Chris Rammers.

We got one. Thank you. It's enough. Now let's move on. We need you and who you are, because God is just like we were talking to earlier.

God's gonna use every single one of you in his, her, its way. However you're supposed to be used, you're gonna be used. If you suit up and show up, that's what's gonna take place. So, the problem is is, we just gotta get you in a trench doing it. One of the problems that we have I I think I need to make myself clear on this, because we're fixing to talk about 4 step, and there's no more nothing that'll that'll raise more controversy than that, because everybody seems to have their own way.

I've got dozens. I mean, I bet I've got 40 4th step packets in my office at work. Everybody seems to have it on the way. Hazelton had their way, and we had our way at the hospital for a while, and AA does it. Of course, the NA guys, oh, Jesus.

They've got a whole book. You know, we got we got a 90 page guide on my front on my desk right now. Somebody gave me for a 4th I mean, can you just imagine coming back in here, you still smell like I got a cracked pipe, and somebody says, come on. Let's talk about this force that business. And they drop a 90 page full club down on the road.

Oh, my gosh. I'm trying to I'm having trouble remembering to unzip my pants when I go to the bathroom. Y'all understand this? And you want and and you want me to filter through a 90 page packet? Oh my guys, we're gonna it's not that complicated.

If Bill Wilson and doctor Bob talked about working the steps in a real real fast clip, then why is it that we've taken these very simple steps and turned it into what we've turned it into, which is a very confusing thing? I gotta this this I don't know how to explain it. A 4th step and a 5th step is an inventory. It's a fact finding mission. We just read it.

It is not therapy. It is not a journey through your past. I know what the book talks about. I I know where it's going, but if you'll read it, not take it out of context, it's talking about looking for some facts about myself. I don't need to know every detail about your life in order to find these facts out.

You follow? And what happens is we we we we murky up the water to such a point that we can't see the facts we're supposed to be looking for, because we're too busy looking, going through the drama. The book says we launched out on a course of vigorous action. What we're trying to do is look for the areas of my life that I'm off in. Where have I been dishonest?

Where have I been fearful? And where have I been selfish to the core? Because that's the stuff that's blocking me and that's all we're looking at. I'm I'm gonna say this and I don't want to offend anybody, but understand me clearly. This 5th step thing is not confession.

I know you think it is. It's not. It's a part of it. Y'all understand this? This is a part of it.

We need to share with somebody our darkest secrets. I'm with that. But guys, if confession was all we had to do, why do we have so many Catholics loaded? No. And I'm not trying to be disrespectful to the Catholics.

I'm saying, we we we get their their their priests in our treatment center all the time, not knocking that. They have a disease just like us, but just talking to somebody about the crazy stuff we did under the influence of alcohol and drugs is not what this is about. If if I If I'm doing a 4th and 5th step the way it's supposed to be done, and you've done a 4th and 5th step the way you're supposed to do it, you with me? You've written a 4th step, I can sit down and listen to your 5th step and never blanch. Because we ain't talking about sex.

We're talking about this the the the big the stuff in here where we were dishonest and selfish. How did I treat the opposite sex? With disrespect. I don't have to go into a 1,000 details about that. Disrespect is disrespect.

Y'all understand where we're at? I'm not suggesting you do that. I'm saying we could do that. This idea that this is all of this is is confession has got to be smashed because we're not getting down to the cause of the problem. This is what we're gonna do.

I'll show you. If we had a board, we could write on it. But if any of you guys want me to send you, it's just a straight little diagram straight out of the big book is is the way we do a 4th and 5th step business. A guy comes to me and wants me to sponsor him. I'm gonna sit down and we're gonna get him through this first three steps.

We'll do a 3rd step prayer, and then it says, next we launched out. Out. That means we're gonna get up, and I'm gonna do the same thing those guys did to me. With some discernment, one more time, if the little guy's detoxing like a big dog, I'm gonna be careful how much I drop on him. But if he's past the detox, and usually the guys I get are detoxed.

You with us? They're past that, but they're coming apart at the scenes. And so what I'm gonna do is I got a little notebook, and I'm gonna show them we're gonna get started immediately on doing this. When he asked me to do this and I give him the information, I'm gonna immediately look at my date planner, and I'm gonna set up I can show you my code in the book, and I'm gonna set up a day to do a 5th step, right then and there. Well, I don't know when I'm gonna have time to do the 5th step.

Then I can't help you, because I know when I got time to listen to your crap, and I have to schedule that in. Y'all follow? I'm not gonna be there at your beck and call when you finally get around to doing this thing. It means I'm gonna give you 2 weeks to do it. 2 weeks to do it.

2 weeks to do it. Means I've gotta give you 2 weeks to do it. 2 weeks. If it takes you longer than 2 weeks to do an inventory, you are pissing in the wind. You are making a big deal out of nothing, and I will argue with anybody about this.

Man, I mean, I watch these people at this group, and they come and they pick up these big notebooks, and I'm gonna go work. What are you working on? The all American novel? Or you think you're Satan or what? You're gonna draw all this stuff now?

How many people do you hate? We're sit we're sitting in these we're sitting in these meetings. Working on a 4 step. I'm working on a 4 step. I finally went over there last night, the night before last before I got on the plane, I was just I said, buddy, listen.

I'm sick and tired. You've been working on a 4 step for 6 months now. I know but I'm working on it. I'm working just let let me submit something to you. 1, you're not working on it.

You're talking about it, but you're not doing jack. You probably haven't picked the paper up in weeks to do it. Let me ask you the question. What is it about this thing that you think you've got time, you've got 6 months to mess with this? What part of the first step didn't you understand?

What part of the second and third step in that window of opportunity didn't you get? Because when the obsession comes back, brother, I'm telling you, you're gonna get loaded. And the book is quite clear, quite clear. If you don't finish this house cleaning, you're gonna get loaded. So why are you messing with it?

Obviously, you don't think you're one of us. And then we have the conversation. It's not a conversation. I'm talking. You got 2 days to finish it or or I'm done messing with you, because I ain't messing with somebody that ain't gonna play this game.

Y'all follow? Just get this done. I'm working on a 4 step. I'm working on a 4 step. Here's how you do it.

You say, God, show me the people I'm pissed at. Thank you. And then you start writing. And when the name stop, God, show me the institutions and the principles I'm pissed at. IRS, government.

You with me? They stop. Thank you. 2nd call. Is this Guys, if you're given couple of days to think about this, rock on.

If you have to think more than that, I'm gonna put something on the 4 step of a name of a guy that I haven't even thought of in 20 years. What are we doing? Why are you writing about somebody that you haven't even thought of in 20 years? This person's not bothering you. Do you do you not like him?

No. I don't like him, but he hasn't been in my mind in 20 years. Then move on. We we we wanna get down to the to the big ones, guys. What are you waking up in the morning grinding your teeth about?

Because that's what I want to know about. That's what's blocking you, not this guy that you Here, listen. You go to see this room. That's not true. That's not what my counselor said.

I don't care what your counselor said. We're we're not going back. This is not this is not retrogressive therapy here, where we're gonna go back to the day. You're back in your mother's womb now. Now come out and now No.

No. No. We're not gonna play that. We're not trained to do that. We don't wanna play that game.

Who's pissing you off? Guy comes up with 15 names. Good. You ready? Let's go.

Let's get this thing finished. Oh, my counselor said if I didn't have at least 200 names on my inventory, I wasn't doing a thorough inventory. Your counselor's full of it. This is ridiculous. You don't know me.

Some of you guys in this room were, learned to deal with resentment better than others. Some of you may have 200. Some of you may have a1000. Some of you may have 20. Who cares?

If you deal with it, you've done a good job. Ain't that true? Yeah. The man that's got the most resentments down, guys, is not the guy that's doing the best force step. The problem is is that we don't that we don't That we did a 4 step incorrectly.

The problem is that we didn't do it at all. Makes sense? If I got a guy that's struggling, I want him to do this 4 step and I want to get this stuff out in a 5th step, and let's get on down the road with this process. Don't want him to take his time. Yeah.

Like I said, he ain't he ain't writing a novel here. I'd rather see him get 20 of the big ones out, and we can deal with it. Look at the character defects, start making amends, and get on down the road, then allow him to sit in his own juices for 6 months while he does this. You follow? I was at a, a deal over in Tacoma not long ago, and there was this old geezer named Bill who's since passed away.

But, he was a he was a hoot. He was a old street little little urchin from from, Los Angeles. And, he came back up to Seattle to get sober, and he was on in a logging deal, and his sponsor comes up. He's 3 days sober. Right?

He's come in. He's got 3 days sober. And his old sponsor comes up in the log and clearing there and he comes up to his truck and gives him a notebook and says, here, I want you to start working on your 4th step. And he says, start writing the people down your hate. And he put it and the guy put it back in his car, and he he split.

And it's like and I'm sitting there going, and the room is like this. There's at least this many people in there. It's it's in a wonderful, Indian lodge there there in, Yakima, Washington, and and and everybody's laughing. It says, oh, that's the funniest thing I ever heard. This guy's 3 days sober.

This guy's because I'm looking at the little thumpers, and we're saying like, what the hell is a joke? The the joke is the cat that thinks he's got time to mess with this. This is fact finding stuff. Why is it that I keep doing the same crap over and over? Same stupid jobs, same stupid women, same stupid circumstances over and over and over.

If you would look at the inventory, you could see some truth and then stop doing that stuff. I'm fixing to go to God in 6 and 7 and ask you to remove character defects, I don't know what these character defects are. I gotta go make a whole bunch of amends to people that I've harmed, but I'm not really sure exactly how I harmed them. But I know I did, but I'm not gonna find out unless I do this inventory. So everything's backed up in this log jam of a 4th step, And everybody wants us to take our time.

Remember, we're having a spiritual experience as a result of the steps. No ifs, ands, buts. So let's get it done. I make a list of the people I'm pissed at and I make my columns. You can do a 3 column inventory.

You can do a combined 4 column inventory. You can do an expanded 8 inventory column inventory. I don't give a rat's butt how you do it. I don't just do it. Y'all understand?

It's like it's open and roomy. The steps are quite forgiving. Stop worrying about the minutia of this. Just do it. I wish I'd come up with this.

Nike beat me to the punch for about it. It's just like we could have been rich with this thing. I guarantee you. NAA. But that's what we need to do.

Get off your butt, start doing the worst. Stop talking about it and do it. Make a list. 1st column, who it is. 2nd column, why are you pissed at these people?

Institutions, and principles? I'm a big CNN junkie. I have an opinion on everything out there. Political? Oh my gosh.

I'm out there. And I can't just get ravenous about this. You with us? And then write the liapers and the anabuan, and and and I'm and I'm in the middle of it. And it it it blocks me from the sunlight of the spirit.

And so I mean, these are principles and institutions that we have to write down. Y'all with me? This simple idea that a man can tell a woman what to do with her body just freaks me out. The fact that any woman on earth would ever allow it to be that way freaks me out even more. I'm glad I shared that with y'all.

I'll get the emails around that one. Oh, but I'm gonna I put the person in the name first. 2nd, why I'm pissed at this person. We wanna try to be very specific in the second column. You guys avoid generality.

She was never there for me. That's a lie in your new if you lie in the second column, you're gonna be off the page in the last column. Dig? So let's get specific. Often, when I needed her, she wasn't there.

You with us? Get specific. Don't lie about this. This is an inventory. I gotta get specific in the second column.

3rd column, how it affected me. There's 7 areas in there, guys, on the pages. You can look on the bottoms. I'll show you. There's 7 areas.

Where did did this affect my sex relations, my personal relations, my pride, my self esteem, my ambition? Y'all with us? All of y'all know this stuff, but we can show you later on paper. But you go in there, and that's the areas in the 4th column. This is the in the 3rd column.

Excuse me. This is a numbers game we're gonna go back to. How did this little resentment affect so many areas of my life? And now I've got a bunch of resentments, and now I start to see that, gee whiz, I really have been a prisoner. The people in my life are controlling me.

I Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't This person's been dead for 20 years, and they are still pulling my chains, and then we gotta stop this. You with us?

Once I can see it though, I can get past it. 4th column is the toughest piece. 4th column, I get to look at my part, my my end of this this thing. Now, if I'm working with Kate and she's a little fried and she can't get this all lined out, then I can help her in this 4th column piece, because this is where we start looking at our stuff. But I wanna at least make sure that they do the first few columns themselves.

You with us? And none of this stuff well, I don't know how to do this. This is real simple. You're gonna do this inventory. Then you get to the 4th.

I can I'm gonna help you see your part. Everything you cats are cranky about, you play a part in. I didn't say you caused it. I didn't say you. If I can see that I play this big of a part, I can get free.

If I'm coming at you as I didn't have anything to do with this, you will never get free of that resentment. You will remain a victim. I gotta tell you something, guys. Victims do not stay sober. You hear me well.

People that were victimized get sober every day. Y'all understand the difference? Guys, we've all been victims in this room. We've all been victimized. We've all been hurt.

Don't hit don't hear me say that that that's not the case. It's the case. The part that this killing us is that we're hanging on to this stuff like this is who we are, and this is not who we are. The problem with some of you guys in here, it was for me, is that we begin to believe that how can I Guys, I ate out of dumpsters in Houston, Texas and did some stupid stuff, but that's not who I am? That's just crap I did in my disease.

That's not who I am. I'm becoming gradually the person that God wanted me to be in sobriety. But if we continue to hang on to the bad stuff you with us? We're not gonna ever get past it. And if you can't get past it, buddies, 2 things are gonna happen.

1, I say it again, you can't stay sober. And 2, you can't turn around and help somebody else. I still think today that's why God let some of us go through such horrible things is so that we can turn around and help somebody else get through the same crap. Gee whiz. If we hadn't if we hadn't survived it, got to the other side, Share your experience, not your knowledge.

So I think that's why we survived it. Now we can turn around and carry the message back. But if you're still playing a victim to something that happened to you 30 years ago, you can't help anybody. You're just as sick as the new person coming in the door. Make sense?

It's your right to stay there. Such a waste. Such a waste. Can you hear it? Well I was molested.

I suppose that's my fault too. The fact you're still chewing on it is your part. Well, wouldn't we be angry enough to fight once in this in my 20 years of sobriety, and it was around this topic right here, some smug, sanctimonious knucklehead who wanted to hang onto the past so tightly it hurt. And they got offended with me because I suggested that possibly they could get past it. If you want to carry that kind of baggage around by yourself the rest of your life, rock on.

But I happen to know thousands of men and women in this fellowship who've gotten through to the other side that will be glad to help you carry the load. We're not saying it didn't happen. We're not saying it didn't affect you. We're saying stop making it yours. Let's move on.

Again, guys, if you can see your little part in this, I'm I'm mad at my boss. Why? He fired me. 4th 3rd column, sucks everything, all 7 areas. Sex anything.

Sex and checks, guys. Let's cut to the checks. That's what everything affects the pocketbook or the peepee. 1 or the other. And that's the deal.

And we look at the 4th column. Then we look at the 4th column. What was my part in the deal? My part in the deal? Well, I didn't show up on time.

Yeah. What had he told you before that he yes. Did you know you were supposed to be yes. And he fired you. Yeah.

And now you're and you're oh, I see my part. Yeah. Well, I guess I guess he didn't fire me. I guess I just asked to be fired. Well, now you're getting it.

Now you're getting it. Let's let's you with us? Move on to the next one. The next one. The next one.

You follow? This is how we do it, guys. Nothing takes precedence. The molestation is not talked about any more than the guy being fired. Next.

See your part? Next. See your part? How how when that 7 years old when that happened. You're 57.

You carried that long by yourself. 50 years? You see that? I shouldn't have. Did you talk about no.

That's your part, little brother. That's the dishonesty around this. That's the selfish self centeredness. This bless your heart. You didn't come on, buddy.

I got you. I got you. I see that. I see that. You with us?

Yes. Next. We go on to the next one, the next one, the next. And if you need therapy around this stuff, let's get you a good therapist, and let's continue to talk about it. But you can't do that in this, because that's not what this format's about.

This format is not therapy. It's an inventory. You with me? This guy's dumping it. I finished with him in the resentment inventory.

Then we're gonna do a little 2 column theory inventory. I've got it I got again, I got another deal I've got 8 column fear inventory. Now I don't understand it. The book asked me to ask 2 answer 2 questions. What's the fear?

Why do you think you got it? You want to just write about it, go ahead. But what's the point? Book sums it up. Isn't it because self reliance failed us?

I'm fearful because I think I'm gonna have to have all the answers and do everything. And buddies, when I stop doing that, I stop being so damned afraid. Is God in charge or not? Well, yeah. Then what do we got going here?

I'm gonna suit up and show up with some new power. I'm gonna walk through this thing called life. I'm gonna kick some butt and take some names. And whatever comes at me, I'm gonna be able to handle with grace and dignity and come out the other side. It doesn't mean that everything's gonna go my way and perfect.

It means that I'm gonna be able to deal with it when it happens. And I get to see a sheer numbers game in the 4th column in the excuse me, in the fear inventory. I get to see how many areas of my life I'm afraid of. My sponsor, when I first started working with Mark, he said, I want you to write a fear inventory. And he says, I ain't afraid of nothing.

You know how that does with the guys that we've done? And I looked up. I said, what? He's he says, why don't you just start writing? He said, are you afraid of getting AIDS?

I said, woah. Jeez. Yeah. Well, yeah, I guess that one. How about your folks dying?

Well, yeah. I guess I am afraid about that. How about going broke? Well, shoot. Yeah.

I guess about that. He said, shoot. Jeez. How about women? Oh, that's a cheap shot.

Okay. I said, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. And I wrote the thing down like that. He says, why don't you just make another list? Forget that list. Why don't you make a thing of that that that you're not afraid of?

It'll be a much shorter list than like that. Little bunny rabbits? Okay. I can put that down. He was being facetious and a little bit of a smart ass when he was saying that, but you all understand where he's at.

I'm I'm riddled with fear. I wake up in the morning, and there it is standing at the end of my bed, fear. And it's gonna drive me all day long. I can't live like that, folks. You can't be happy, joyous, and free and be full of fear on a regular on a on a constant basis.

You just can't. I sit down and do my fear inventory and then I do my sex inventory. The sex inventory asks no details about any kind of sexual stuff. It asks me some specific questions with the opposite sex, whereby unjustifiably aroused jealousy, suspicion, and bitterness. There's little there's 9 areas in there.

What should I have done instead? It's asking me specifically, how did I treat the opposite sex? You with me? I have to still do when I do a 4 step again, I have to do a sex inventory. Well, you're married.

I know them and may not even get sex then. I understand that. But I still have a flirtatious relationship with people. I still can can I have to pay attention to what I say and how I say it. Am I being too abrasive?

Am I being I have to pay attention to what I'm doing. Makes sense? I'm looking at my behavior towards the opposite sex, and I jot that down. And then we whisk off, get with my sponsor. You're with us?

And we dunk this crap. Quick, fast. I'm not even gonna ask how many of you guys spent 8 hours doing a 4 step. I know that was the most meaningful 8 hours of my life. Trust me, I was suicidal listening to it.

You give me 2 hours with you, and I can guarantee you I can find you some truth that you can sink your teeth into, and I don't need 8 hours of listening to you go on and on. Guys, this is what we we expect it to happen, and this is why we have so many people. Can you hear my fist step? No. Because I'm in my mind, I says, I don't have the time to do it, but it shouldn't be that way.

Who's in charge? The sober alcoholic, and I'm gonna regulate this thing. This is not a dumping ground. We're not gonna sit there and just let you ramble until you get tired of rambling. Oh, I had to do it in 3 sessions.

You what? It just it just takes the breath away. No one or nobody wants to sponsor anybody. Makes sense? Gotta go quick.

Gotta go quick. We're gonna sit down while you're giving me this information. I'm paying attention, because once you see your truth in the 4th column, in the resentment inventory, we're moving on to the next. We're not gonna talk about it. You follow?

If you're having a little trouble, I'll share a little bit with you. I'll get you off dead center, and we're gonna keep this thing moving. I got a piece of paper outlined, and what we're gonna do on this piece of paper is I've got one side for character defects, because we're gonna need it in an hour. I'm gonna make a list of the character defects that I hear coming up. If you're judging somebody, and who in the heck of us haven't been judging somebody in this 4 step?

You know what I mean? I hate his guts. Oh, you're judging this guy a little bit, aren't you? I said, yeah. You're being selfish.

Selfish and self centeredness is the root of the problem, so you can just write selfish down. So I'm gonna list these character defects, judgmental, full of fear. I'm gonna list this stuff down on the side. On the right hand side, I'm gonna make a list of the people that I hear you talking about that I think that you might owe amends to. Not saying that you do.

I'm saying that you might owe amends to. Y'all follow? Y'all cool with that? We're gonna do the 3 inventories. You're gonna tell me all this.

I'm gonna hug your neck. We usually read the little 5th step promises on page 75, then I'm gonna give you directions on 6 and 7. We're gonna get quiet for an hour. We're gonna go back through the first proposals. Do I really believe I'm a cocaine addict?

Do I really believe I'm a drunk? What what what is my do I really believe this stuff, or is this just shtick I'm jumping through hoops about? Do I believe there's a God out there that gives a rat's butt about me? I'm going to go through the first proposals, the first three steps. Have I been thorough in this 4th column, this 4 step business, or have I left out a little something?

Little something something, what I did out there under the influence that I'm not talking to anybody about, that I shouldn't have to talk about if I wasn't so embarrassed about it, but the fact that I'm so embarrassed about it means I need to talk about it. Y'all follow? It's just it's just like standard operation procedure up to this point, but now because I'm I'm guarding it, I need to talk to somebody about it. Have I left anything off? And I'm going to ask the cat right now.

Own it. Own it. Let's talk about it. Because I'm gonna tell you something, folks. This is this is private and confidential stuff, and we ain't going to the to the to the to the law about anything on this.

This stuff about sponsorship and about hearing a fist step is absolutely sanctified as far as I'm concerned. It's no different than priest in this. I'm not a lawyer, and I'm gonna tell you this, I'm not your judge. I got no right to judge any human on this earth. I hear people all the time talking about this business.

I want constant conversation in the fellowships about justice. Well, I don't think that's right. Well, I don't think that should I don't think Listen folks, this program is entirely about one thing and one thing only, and that's mercy. Mercy. But isn't that the truth?

And I'm going to sit here and judge you for something you did. Gosh, jeez, guys. I should have been in prison for the crap I did. Would have been if I had gotten caught. And Would have been if I had gotten caught.

No. No. I answer to one one being. That's God. God can judge me any way he wants, but you don't have any right to judge me, and I don't have any right to judge you.

I'm here as an instrument, and I'm allowing you to tell another human being and get this stuff past your lips, so that you could own it. It's the secrets that are killing us, buddies. It's this it's this stuff in the in in the quiet of night that is rattling around in our head, and you think you'll never get past it. You won't if you leave it there, But if you start talking to people, I'm an open book. There was a day I would not have told you about any of my past because I didn't I was so afraid of what you thought about me as a person.