The Specific Group in Las Vegas, NV

It's my pleasure to introduce our main speaker, Charlie from Austin, Texas. Hey, everybody. Hey. I'm Charlie Parker. I'm an alcoholic.

Alcoholic. Wow. It's a good looking bunch of folks. I, I, I wear a suit and tie when I get behind the podium out of respect for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and the people that came before me and all the work that goes into putting something like this together. But every time I put it on, I always think, you know, when I'm most comfortable what I feel like standing there and going, no contest, your honor.

It's my experience, you know. I never had much of a defense. No contest was my best angle. I wanna thank the I wanna thank Bob for asking me to come talk. It's a it's a real honor to be here.

Katie and I come out here a lot, and, and we started coming to this group, and a friend of mine introduced me and Bob. And, we like this meeting so much that we, we started coming on Thursday mornings instead of Friday mornings, so we can make this meeting because it really is you know, if you get around if you go around, the more meetings you go to, the more you appreciate what a hell of a fine AA group this is. And it's it's just a real honor to speak here. And, you know, I know how much work I can't imagine trying to put this together every week. I know how much work it is to put something like this together, and and I know there's a lot of people that do it besides Bob.

And, and then there's I'm I'm also sure if it's anything like my group, there's a lot of people that don't do a damn thing, but have a lot of ideas about how it could be done better. You know? So because that's the way it is at my group. It's hard to get anything, through sometimes. I, I, was authorized by group conscious to bring you greetings from the primary purpose group in Austin, Texas.

The vote was 40 to 22, but but we got it through. I, I'm I'm glad to be here tonight and, you know, and there's different theories about what we do when we get up here, what we talk about. A lot of people talk about that our just our stories disclose in a general way. What we used to be like. What happened and what we are like now.

I'm also real fond of the definition on page 50, where it says, in our personal stories you will find a wide variation in the way each teller approaches and conceives of the power which is greater than himself. Whether we agree with a particular approach or conception seems to make a little difference. Experience has taught us that these are matters about which for our purpose we need not be worried. There are questions for each individual to settle for himself. On one proposition, however, these men and women are strikingly agreed.

Every one of them has gained access to and believes in a power greater than himself. This power has, in each case, accomplished the miraculous, the humanely the humanly impossible. So here we are. My story, I I grew up in Dallas, Texas. I grew up in a pretty normal family.

I, a friend of mine likes to say that normal is the setting on a washing machine, but, I don't know exactly what normal is, but I I've heard enough 5th steps over the years to, to know that my there was a lot of guys that had it a lot worse than I had it growing up. I, I was the only alcoholic in my family. I'm I'm still the only alcoholic in my family. And, but I, I just I always felt a little different. I you know, when I say I grew up in a normal family, I should mention that my sister was perfect though.

I, I don't know. My I grew up behind a sister that was 5 years older than me, and she was National Honor Society and 1st chair flautist and drum majorette and drill team, and you name it, and she joined it. And, and then she, kinda, had this thuggish little brother. And, you know, but my mother was a a 1st grade teacher for 42 years. So I was I was well prepared for the 1st grade.

I, you know, so I mean, and I I like to think I held it together pretty good through elementary school. You know? I was, which was a challenge. But, you know, I don't know if this happened to anybody else, but I kept hearing about potential when I was growing up. Did anybody else suffer under the burden of potential?

You know, and and then my, you know, then why can't you be like Charles across the street? And I'm thinking, I'm really not holding back that much. You know. I mean, I was, you know, I I don't know if there's a whole lot of untapped resources here, but but, you know, that's the way it went along. And, I didn't I started drinking when I was 16, and I I used to think that was young, you know, but now people are sobering up at, like, 8, you know.

I mean, you you you're chairing a meeting and the guy comes something, you're like, oh, who's your daddy? And they're like, no, I'm here for a 90 day trip, you know. Welcome. You know, and you know, and God love them. I'm not, you know, I I was young when I got to this program.

I mean, when I sobered up 22 years ago, 28 was pretty young to get sober. You know, and Katie was 26. And she had, 4 and a half months on me and still does. And, well, you know, will never let me live it down. I, I've I've kept her sober a few times by telling her that if she drank, I'd sponsor her if she came back.

But, you know, but you know, we were part of a young crew, but I guess the reason I say I was talking about my drinking, and it and it for me, it started at at 16. And it would make a pretty macho story to stand up here and say that I drank a bottle of whiskey every day from the day I was 16 until I sobered up, But that wouldn't be true. But what is the truth for me is that from the day that I took that first drink until I had to quit, I never turned down the opportunity to get loaded, under any circumstances, for any reason. There was never a time when I would say, no. You know, it's my mother's birthday.

I really shouldn't. Or, you know, I need to be somewhere by November or, you know, anything like that. It was I was an absolute devotee. I I I was all about getting loaded, and, I, I believe heavily in AA singleness of purpose. You know, I mean, we talk a lot about one drunk working with another one And there's an importance of that identification of one drunk talking to another one.

That's so important that out of the 2 or 312 step fellowships that are out there, really, the only difference is the first half of the first step. You know, I think that that identification is that important. Know, because for me, and if you drink like I do, people always want to talk to you about your drinking. You know. And and they say really stupid stuff, you know.

And if if they don't understand, you know, and our book talks about one of us properly armed with the facts about himself can win the confidence of a new man in a couple of hours. But that's a pretty big deal, because nobody else had ever done it, you know. I mean, you know, that's I like to tell a story about I was in a treatment center one time. We're talking about identification. It was Christmas time, and I was in treatment, and it was Christmas day, and I'm a big boy now, but I was quite a bit bigger at that time.

And, they had given us our turkey and dressing and everything, and I was pretty interested in the in the dinner. And, in in walks this group of people from, from one of the local churches, you know. And they were a group of local do gooders that were gonna come sing to the heathen drunks. And this woman was going along from person to person, and she would bend over and she'd talk to this guy. Then she'd bend over and she'd talk to this guy.

Then she'd bend over and talk to another. And when she got to me, she said, are you a patient here? I said, yes, I am. And she goes, I know exactly what you're going through. And I thought, really?

And she said, I was once addicted to caffeine. I was like, ain't that a bitch? You know? Did did you ever pawn your mom Sterling to get a can of Folgers? You know, I mean, I feel you sister, you know.

But but, you know, bless her heart. She was she was trying to identify, but it just wasn't there. But, you know, that's why I think our singleness of purpose is so important, and that's why it's so important for me to get with, people that suffer from the same problem that I have. I qualify for a number of 12 step fellowships. And, but when I'm in AA, I like to try to talk about alcoholism.

And I really do believe in my heart of hearts that my problem always was alcoholism. My alcoholism led me to do a lot of things besides drink alcohol. Let's just let's just say that. It's a it's a bit of a struggle for me to not talk about outside issues. I, you know, when you get here, they there's a lot of terms that you that I don't know if it's happened to anybody else, but it felt like people were speaking a foreign language when I got here.

And, you know, they're talking about mister Bill and doctor Bob and this step and that tradition, and turn it over, and, you know, don't judge anybody, but stick with winners. And, you know, and, you know, and all this, and and I heard this term, drug of choice. I thought that was so cute, you know. I mean, did anybody talk like that on the street? You know, I mean, there was I don't ever remember a time where you're going, I'm sorry.

That's not my particular drug of choice. You know, I, you know, I mean, my drug of choice was whatever you got, and, and I'll just leave it there. I I really, really just I guess I can sum it up with a few things about at one point, I had an apartment. I was staying in an apartment. I used to say I was I had an apartment.

But really, the truth was 2 guys had an apartment that they were paying the rent on, and I was staying there. And one of them made his living off of outside issues, and the other one, was my bartender. And the short version of the story is that both of them thought that I was getting too loaded, you know. And and when your dealer and your bartender are giving you shame, you know, you maybe have overshot the mark a little bit, but I guess, you know, just I know there's a lot of new people here tonight, and I wanna welcome the new people here tonight. But, I mean, does does anybody need for me to explain how to drink to them?

You know, I mean, you know, if if not, let's just kinda move on into the a little recovery there because I, I just don't have time in 45 minutes to talk a whole lot about drinking. But I I, I wrecked a few cars. I got a few DWIs. I, lost, you know, but I guess the key thing about my drinking was I spent years in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Whenever it would be my turn, I would raise my hand.

I'd say, I'm Charlie. I'm an alcoholic, and looking back on it, I had no idea what that meant. You know, I thought that I must be alcoholic because well, for one thing, I drink every day. The other thing you know, I lose I've had DWIs and gone to jail and lost jobs and houses and cars and girlfriends and all the stuff that happens to to us, and I thought, well, I I must be alcoholic. You know?

And and really, I'd been around quite a while, I think, before I really understood what it truly means to be alcoholic. And if you knew, I just wanna take a second to touch on the physical allergy and the mental obsession because we are different from normal drinkers. You know, I can't pour enough vodka into my sister to make her an alcoholic. You know, you know, but I could pour enough vodka in her to get her a DWI or, you know, to wreck the car and that sort of thing, but that wouldn't make her an alcoholic. And what makes me an alcoholic is that I have a physical allergy to alcohol, and and the way that that shows up in my life, and the way it's described so well in the doctor's opinion and and the first first 43 pages of this book, is that my symptom of that allergy is this phenomenon of craving.

You know? But the book is full of terms and phrases that I didn't feel when I would read them, you know. I mean, you know, my sponsor likes to say that handing a new guy a big book and inspecting him to get what's in there is like giving him a flight manual to an F16, and saying, and when you get through reading that, we've got one out here in the parking lot. You know, try not to hurt yourself or anybody else. You know?

But, you know, a lot of these terms didn't mean much to me. And, so it really helped to have somebody that had been in the book to explain that stuff to me. But, you know, when it talked about the phenomenon of craving, I didn't really understand what that meant. But I did know what it would meant to stop in for only 2 and get thrown out at the end of the night or go missing for a few days and, you know, that sort of thing. And to me, that's what happens.

When I take a drink alcohol, it triggers a craving in me where I got no control over how much I'm gonna drink or when I'm gonna stop. And then the book talks about that for about the doctor's opinion, the first 22 pages. Then about 23 or 24, it switches over and says, that wouldn't mean anything. You know, if and the the weird thing is that, you know, if alcohol was my problem, I'd only have to stop drinking one time. You know?

I mean, my problem is that I can't stop starting. I have always been sober when I took the first drink. I, you know, and so I make that that decision sober. And what my biggest problem is what goes on in my brain when I'm not drinking. But they're inside of me You know, another term that's in the book that never made much sense to me was the term that I mean, I never actually felt it, was that term spiritual malady.

You know, the book describes a spiritual malady. It's a little fuzzy for me, but when you stand up at the podium of AA and talk about that hole, in my middle. That hole that I felt from elementary school. That that feeling of separation. That that, feeling of being a little bit less than.

Of being not good enough. Not smart enough, I can't do what regular people do. I think we can identify with that. That to me is the spiritual malady, and I got that going on, You know, and what happens is when people would wanna talk to me about my drinking, I'm thinking, you don't you really don't know what you're talking about, you know, because if you understood what that drink does for me, it's the only thing I've ever found that will quiet that feeling of separation, that hole I got right here. And okay, sure.

Occasionally, I overshoot the mark and I wrecked the car and I lose the job, or maybe, you know, I get kicked out of an apartment, or people don't wanna talk to me anymore. But I'll take that deal because of what that drink does for me. And And when somebody says, you need to not drink, I'm thinking, if if you understood what that drink I can see why from your viewpoint, you would say stupid shit like that, but but if you if you knew what that drink does for me, you would know that alcohol is my solution. It's my problem, because the thing that happens to the other side of what makes me alcoholic is that when I stop drinking, I don't get better. You know, our book says that we're restless, irritable, and discontented until I can again experience the ease and comfort that comes from taking a couple of drinks.

That's the guy that that when he's been dry for a while, people say, for God's sakes, man, why don't you take a drink? You know, you are one miserable bastard. You know, you you're more miserable sober than you are, and what happens with me is that mental obsession. I don't feel better when I stop drinking. It starts rolling around up in my head, and my head starts I love Bob said it one time when he's talking.

He said, you know, he talks about being restless, irritable, and discontented. And he said one time when I was listening to him, he said, he doesn't get discontented. He said, he just starts to notice things, and, you know, and boy, that's me. You know, I start to notice the people in traffic. I start to notice that that son of a bitch in the express lane has got 14 items in this basket, and I know because I counted them while we were standing here, you know.

And and, and and, you know, and it's just this. And what happened and then the guy at work is getting 50¢ an hour more than I do, and I'm doing all the work while the guy up in the air conditioned trailer is making all the money. And and before long, you know, I'm not getting my fair share. And and and, and for God's sakes, Charlie, come on. Let's take, you know, I mean, let's take another run at it, man.

I mean, it won't be like it was last time. I mean, it it it we'll manage it better this time. And really, if you think about it, last time wasn't that bad. I mean, you you you might you might have been a little hasty checking yourself into that treatment center for God's sake. You know what I mean?

You know, it's just a bad weekend, and and, and eventually, that's what happens, where eventually my brain says, by God, I think you're right. You know, and, and that's what that's what happened, and I get stuck in the So to me, what it means to be alcoholic, when I say my name's Charlie and I'm alcoholic, is that I've got that physical allergy where I react funny to alcohol, and I've got a mental obsession that is eventually gonna drive me back to drinking again. Driven by that spiritual malady, my mental obsession is eventually gonna get me drunk every time. I cannot stop drinking on my own. And I spend a lot of time explaining that at a treatment center in Austin, because I've always felt like if a guy goes to treatment and, gets a full grasp of the first step, the treatment has been a success.

You know? I mean, I've seen plenty of times where people have done the first five steps in as a term of graduating from a treatment center, but not really have step 1. And to for me, in my mind, step 1 drives everything. You know, because if I the book says we had to we learned that we had to admit to our innermost selves that we were alcoholic, and to me that means in here. Not not up here, but where I'm really going.

Dude, I got it. I got what you're talking about. I am a garden variety drunk. You know, I, I am gonna drink until I have to get sober, and then I will stay sober until I have to drink. And that cycle can go on for a long long time, you know.

So that's that's to me, what it happens was it starts spiraling downhill though, you know, in little ticks. I give up a little of my dignity. I compromise a little bit of my values. I'm I'm willing to settle for a little bit less out of life, but it goes down like tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick like this. So yesterday is never that much different from today, you know.

And and and when it that's what the book's talking about when it says we get to where we can't differentiate the truth from the false. Our alcoholic life seems like the only one because it's it's a whole lot like yesterday was. You know? I mean, it's just I'm just doing what I gotta do to get by. And, you know, I don't go from up here to down here overnight.

But for me, what happened was it it really it really started getting sloppy, After a while, I left a barn in a blackout one night and I rammed into a car and I I was still rolling. So I abandoned the car, reported it stolen, like, you know, any good drunk would. And, and as I'm running back to this bar in a blackout, I remember seeing 2 policemen looking at the car I'd run into, and I thought, good grief, they got here fast. But I kept going. And, the next day, they said, you're gonna have to take a polygraph test to get your car back, mister Parker.

And I said, why is that? They said, well, your car was involved in an accident before it was reported stolen. I said, you're kidding. And, he said, no. They they ran into a parked police car, and I thought, that explains how they got there so fast.

You know. I mean, you know, but but, you know, when you think about how things could've gone, man, I was in a complete blackout. And if those cops had been standing there, I'd you'd have a different speaker tonight. You know what I mean? Because 22 years later, I might still be in the joint, but I I was I was lucky enough, but but what I'm talking about was it started getting really sloppy.

I I used to come out to Vegas a lot, and I used to get free airplane ticket. Oh, well, I used to steal airplane tickets. I I didn't get free airplane tickets. I used to and we would come out here, and sometimes I'd come out here with, like, $100 in my pocket back in the seventies, and I remember I was telling Katie, now this is how cool I was when I got here. I I went me and a buddy of mine were up at the Sahara, and we're staying down at the marina where the MGM is now, and I went broke.

And so I go over and I find Mitch, and I go, how you doing? He goes, I'm tapped. And I'm and and when we're talking about tapped, I mean, no credit cards. No, yeah. So here we are 6 miles away, and we're walking from at 6 o'clock in the morning, front front.

And right out in front of this deal, I saw a bunch of lights, and there was a guy throwing money in the air. And I and I started, you know, kind of positioning to see if one of those 100, blew. And I'm, kind of, getting ready to make my move, you know, and and this guy goes, hey. Hey. Hey.

And I look over, and it was, it was a set for that TV show Vegas, and they were shooting they were shooting a scene, you know. And and I'm over there trying to figure out how I can get, you know, you know. And so that's how cool I was, you know. But towards the end, I was really fond of the pawn shops, and I I like to I tell this story for a number of reasons, but I used to I like the pawn shops. I like the way you could go in there, and it was a very pure transaction.

You just gave them whatever it was, and they gave you the money, and they never said, weren't you just in here? You know, or, what do you what do you want with this money? What are you gonna do with this money? I mean, it was, you know, it was just you you went in, you got out. But and I would pull a scam.

He had 90 days to get everything out. And and in the 90 day period, I could usually come up with something to get everything out. And but one day, I had claimed, well, I don't I don't wanna give anybody ideas, but I had pulled a little scam that netted enough money to get everything out and I came out of a 5 day blackout. I mean, I'm talking 5 days. Don't remember a thing.

I came out of this blackout, and I had I was sitting on the side of the bed, and I had I should say that I was at my mother's house. I was so mistreated as a child that I ran away from home at 28 years old. But I was I mean, I stayed a few places here and there, but I come out of this blackout at my mom's house. I'm and I got $8 in my pocket, and I still had this gangster wad of pawn tickets. And, you know, you've probably experienced more than it's like that, you know, where you just go, oh, no.

You know, I shot my wad, you know, on this deal, and now, you know. So I would have to get up and go to my father. I forgot to tell you the the one downside of the pawn shop things. I didn't own very much stuff. So I had the pawn stuff that didn't belong to me.

So, and that creates hard feelings, amongst your friends and family. And so on this morning, I had to go to my father and and say, dad, if we act now, I can get you a really good deal on all your stuff, but if we wait till tomorrow, it's out of my hands. And and and, you know, I would do that, but the thing about it was Dallas was a big town. And and it wasn't just we're gonna go to the pawn shop. We had to go to Bugner Boulevard, and Garland Road and then Harry Hines and then over to Oak Cliff.

I left your deer rifle over here and, you know, left your metal detector out in and it was short version of the story is that it was all day in the car with me, and my dad, and all that shame. And the reason I like to tell this story is because most of us have experienced that kind of shame coming in here, and the other thing that we've experienced is powerlessness. Because what I would do when I was in the car with my dad that day was I would say, dad, I swear to God I will never do this again. And if I was lying to my father, I didn't know it. I meant it with every fiber of my being.

I will never do this again. My dad was a good man, and he didn't deserve the kind of treatment that he's getting from his son. And nobody had given him his stuff. He had worked for it and paid for it, and I'm in there stealing it and pawning it. And I knew that was messed up, but he give me a couple of days and I would hit his house like a cat burglar and, you know, we we we did we made the rounds of the pawn shops three times, me and my father.

And, you know, so that's how slick I was. That's how cool I was when I got here, you know. I wasn't hanging with Puff Daddy or whatever he calls himself now, you know, you know, and Donald Trump. I mean, I was stealing shit out of the back door of my family's house and and just a real rotten bastard. And, you know, that's the guy that showed up here for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I sobered up that time. And, you know, I was pretty I was pretty serious about the program at that time. You know, I mean, I but what I was real serious about was going to a lot of meetings. I was what we're doing here tonight is the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. And when we used to have the circle and a triangle on it in our books, it it had three sides to that triangle, and it's there's three sides to my recovery.

Unity is what we're doing tonight, and then service is what I do when I'm going out working with new guys, going to the treatment centers, and stuff like that. And then recovery is working the 12 steps to the program, Bioxlox Anonymous, with a sponsor. Hopefully, the way they're lined out in the big book. But what I did in that first period of sobriety was, and I bring this up because I think it's a dangerous thing that's been going on in our fellowship. We sobered up at a funny time.

You know, I've been sober. Well, today is 22 years. And during that time oh, thank you. Believe me, that's that's a testament to the power of God and the program about colleagues anonymous. That's, that's got very little to do with the power of Charlie.

But during this period of time, we got a shitload of AA meetings, you know, as they say in Texas. I guess, you know, that would translate to a whole lot. But, but, you know, I don't think when they wrote the book that they ever foresaw a time when a a guy would be able to stay sober by just going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I don't think they ever dreamed that there would be a time that that we would focus on the fellowship more than the recovery program. You know, because they were getting together maybe once a week, or maybe they didn't have a meeting at all in their time.

What they had was the big book, and and the program of recovery lined out in it. So what I see what I saw with me was I would go to a meeting. You know, I'd get enough relief to get me to the next day. Go out and just destroy the world with self will in the meantime, but then, you know, I'd come into the meeting the next day, and I and and I would rock along, and I'll stand sober. I'm just on the fellowship.

Now I'm not knocking the fellowship of Afrocks Anonymous. I love it. I love the Fellowship of AA. I love drunks. I love hanging out with them before I sobered up.

After I sobered up, we go to conferences and a lot of stuff I love. But the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous will keep me sober right up to the point that I get drunk, you know. And and and I drank with 10 and a half months of sobriety. I've had my sobriety has been March 22nd, 2 different times. It was March 22nd 84, March 22nd 85, and and I wasn't trying to do anything cute there.

It just it just happened, but I got 20 minutes to talk about, some of what's going on sober. When I talk, I like to talk to the guys that are new. Because if you drink like I do, there is a program here that really works. I mean, you know, and the simp the hardest thing to convince a new guy is how simple this program is, you know. I mean, if you just do what a sponsor tells you to do, I don't even I thought I had to understand the what the process and approve of the process, you know.

But And and it it doesn't mean anything. I just have to understand the directions. You know? Just go do this little piece of work, and then come back and talk to my sponsor the next day, and then, you know, he'll give me another piece of work. And then you look up at the end of it, and it's and it's it's better.

But, you know, what happened for me was, going to all those meetings, my sponsor I should mention my sponsor, Mark Houston, is, is my sponsor, and and he he says a lot of things that I'm I really like, but one of the things that he said was don't let anybody read your big book for you. And and what I was doing was I was sitting in those AA meetings, and I was trying to get AA through what you people were saying in the meetings, you know. And the more I get in the book, the more I see how much what's a polite word for bullshit, Katie? Is is going on in the in AA meetings, you know. And and and I hear stuff enough that I start thinking that it's AA, you know.

I mean, if, you know, if I come to AA meetings, and 6, 8, 10, 20 times I hear somebody say, this is a selfish program. Well, must be AA. You know? And and and and then you start reading the book. I I can't find it.

I can't find anywhere where it says, you know, this is a selfish program. I think it says on page 15, it's all about destruction of self. And it says here, my friend had emphasized the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles in all my affairs. Particularly, was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me? Faith without works was dead, he said.

And how appallingly true for the alcoholic. For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. That kind of stuff is all in the book. The I don't find the part where it says, you know, this is a selfish program. You know, take what you need and leave the rest, and that, you know, and that that sort of thing.

But I I I'm getting on a little soapbox here. I gotta watch myself, but, you know, the other one was, put the plug in the jug. You know? Never did figure that one out. You know?

To me, that's, like, this far from Nancy Reagan's just say no. You know? I mean, it's like, if I could put if I could put the plug in the jug, I wouldn't be parking my ass in these AA meetings for 22 years, you know. But, but another one that bugs me is when they talk about if you sober up a horse thief they may only say this in Texas, but you sober up a horse thief, you got a sober horse thief. Have you all heard that one?

What bullshit is that? You know, I mean, I guarantee you, the guy's not gonna stay a sober horse thief for long. You know, my program my program talks about change, and and, you know, and if I stay the same creepy bastard that I was when I got here, I'm not gonna be around for long, you know, whether I'm going to 3 meetings a day or not. But, you know, it's it's just it's but I stayed sober this first time, and I was kinda working the program a lot. We got 15 minutes left.

This is good. I, I mean, the other day, I was talking, and a buddy of mine was talking in Dallas at the same time. And, he called me the next morning, Tom Pick, and I said, I just talked to Tom. And he goes, oh, goddamn. I did it again.

No. He said that to me. And I said, I did it again. He goes, what? And I said, I looked up 2 you know, 40 minutes into the talk, and I was still drunk.

And he goes, that's alright. 2 thirds of the way through my talk, I was 13. You know? So but so if I'm not careful, I'll I'll talk about drinking the whole time, and then, you know, I've got 7 minutes to talk about 22 years of recovery. But what happened for me was I was pretty serious about that.

Reading the big book and and going to big book meetings and hanging out with people that were fairly serious about this program, and and but what started happening, I didn't see happening. I, I started reading the book. I don't know about anybody else, but I like to read stuff that I agree with. You know? I mean, you know how you just you you read along, and then you just kinda glaze over the the the stuff, and then somehow you go, oh, yeah.

See? There it is. Oh, yeah. That's exactly what I said. You know, I I said that in a meeting yesterday.

But, you know, but then my sponsor talks about this thing, and I I wanna share it with you. And some of you have probably heard of the set aside prayer, but it has helped me so much in in recovery. This we do this little prayer before we do the work, before we read the book, before I work with a sponsee, where I say, God it's pretty simple, and you can say it anyway, but I just say, God, please help me set aside everything that I think that I know about this book, and this process, and this way of life, and help me see the truth. You know? And it's amazing how I see new stuff on the page, you know.

And I I don't know what goes through these minds of these guys I'm sponsoring. You know? Where we're sitting down with the book, you know, and here's their sponsor with 20 years. You know? And we're doing the the 4th step, and I and we're reading along, and I go, holy shit.

Look at that. You know? It's like, that's a prayer. You know? And, well, let's get them on our knees.

You know? And let's do it. But, I mean, I keep seeing new stuff in this book all the time. I went through this flat period in my sobriety, and I was I'm kinda dancing around that. But what happened for me was I thought I did it pretty hardcore for the first four and a half years.

I'm just gonna go ahead and say this because I don't have that much shame about it, but somehow in the book, I missed the whole selfishness piece. I mean, the I don't know if this happened to anybody. If I'm if this only happened to me, praise God. But what happened for me was I went along and I kinda acted like my problem was alcohol, and and and I'm gonna give you a run through the steps so I understood them the first time. Is that my problem was alcohol, and that I came to believe that this God, that you guys talked about would had removed your problem with alcohol, alcohol, so it might work for me.

I'd made a decision to turn my will and my life over the care had no idea what that means. I knew that I was kinda supposed to act like I'd turned my life life over to God. But I didn't really I missed the whole part about, being convinced that any life run on self will can hardly be in a success or any. The book takes a bizarre turn on page 60, and if you're not paying attention, you'll just miss it. You know?

Or I did anyway, and and, you know, and because it it spent all that time talking about my drinking, and then it takes this hard right, where it says, you know, selfishness, self centeredness. That we think is the root of our problem, you know. And and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so, you know. And, I kinda had this understanding that I was gonna do a 4th step, and because what I was gonna do, I was gonna write down all the stuff that made me feel bad about me. Because if I felt better about me, then I would need to drink.

Right? And then same thing in the 5th step. We're gonna share this stuff, and then we get to 6 and 7, and it was like not really getting that, but we rolled on to 8. I made a list of the people I'd harmed because making amends to these people was gonna make me feel better about me. And then, you know, so I could be out in the world without worrying about getting my ass kicked.

And, you know, and so I'm gonna make amends to these people. And then in 9, and then in 10 or 11, I'm gonna I'm gonna try to clean up as I'm going along, and then at 11, I'm gonna, you know, keep trying to feel good about me, and then in the 12th step, I'm gonna go out, and I'm gonna talk to people about me. And, you know, and and that was it's a little oversimplified, but I mean, looking back on it, that's a lot of what my understanding was. And it was based on the thinking that my problem was alcohol. Right?

Because anything, you know, it it was all about getting me separated from alcohol, but what I was in was absolute self will, self centeredness, self obsession, self seeking. All those self words that they put in the 4th edition somehow. I you know, I don't, Katie and I, I should say, have were best friends for 20 years, and, her husband passed oh, by the way, today's Katie's 49th birthday, by the way. We were we were best friends for 20 years, and, she was married, and and that was in a series of relationships. And, but we really she's the first woman friend I ever had, and we spent 20 years together.

And there was, never any innuendo or improper well, one time when she said that she goes, you know, your sobriety birthday is the same day as my naked birthday. And I said, well, you know, we should celebrate together. You know? I'll stay sober, and she goes, Charlie. You know what I mean?

But but we've, you know, we've been dating for about her husband passed away, and and I was in a plane crash, in 2003, and I wound up everybody was on that plane went a little crazy. And, we all survived, but not by much. I mean, the short version of the story is we lost power flying from the East Hampton Airport back to Manhattan and crashed into the Peconic Bay at night, went underwater. The doors wouldn't open. It's It's pretty hairy, and and, but we got out, but not by much.

It is the beginning of a spiritual awakening for me, because I I really started looking at things a little bit different, and and I started working with some new people. And I went to this John Henry, in in Austin and I said, John Henry, I'm so self centered that I can't even have a conversation with somebody. You know, I have to just force myself to say, how are the kids? You know? I act like I give a flip while they're, you know, answering, you know, and, you know, has a wife, and, you know, because I'm all about me, you know.