San Diego Spring Roundup in San Diego, CA

My name's Scott Redmond. I'm an alcoholic. And Mike just said he's one of those speakers that, you never tire of, and Alexander went I'd like to, I can't thank the committee enough and Bill and and, the people who put this thing together for putting it together and for inviting me. This this round up changed my life 12 years ago. The first time that I, participated in it.

I got to meet, my friend Cliff, who's become a a big part of my life, and there were friendships and relationships started that weekend that have become key parts of my life and my sobriety. And, participating in this round up is a big deal for me. It's, it's a it's great to be here. Can I see hands of people in their 1st year, please? Wow.

Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. I can't tell you how glad, I am that you're here. I, I heard a couple of weeks ago, I think it's the best way I've ever heard a newcomer qualify ever, and I love collecting qualifications. I love I've heard guys, refer to themselves as crack monsters and dope fiends and, you know, but I was at a meeting and, people were raising their hand with less than 30 days. The guy said, my name is Bob.

I'm an alcoholic. My name is Carmen. I'm an alcoholic. And a guy got up and said, my name's Tom. Big problem.

Big problem. And then he sat down, And I could have gone home right there because I believed him. This, friend of mine has been sober a long time. I met him at my first home group, described his behavior as an alcoholic. He said, most people live, they say, you you know, most people say, ready, aim, fire.

Ready, aim, fire. And he said his entire life, he went, ready, fire, aim. And I completely get ready, fire, aim. So you know, I it doesn't really matter when I aim, you know, after that. If you know I like to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous, if you're a drug addict, I like to welcome you to AA, if you're a dope fiend, which is somehow worse than any of us, I'd like to welcome you to AA.

If you're part of that new very exotic group that I just I Cliff and I actually were introduced to him the same night at the Old Town speakers meeting. It was the first time we ever heard anybody identify as a tweaker. We'd like I'd like to welcome you. You got there you go. Man has no idea why he's raised his hands.

They have no short term memory at all. I like you guys. I like you guys. Every part of your face is moving in a different direction. Touched yourself till you're dehydrated.

We're glad you're here. I'm not making fun of you, but I'm coming close. And, and I'll tell you, because I don't care if you're like the, like, the big energizing bunny tweaking dope monster, big footed dope addicts. I don't care. I don't care what you got.

Just catch alcoholism. I did not have alcoholism when I came to AA. I have a fatal case of it now, but I did not have it when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. I, I caught alcoholism in AA meetings. It enters through the ear, and it infects you, and then you start infecting other people.

And, there were a lot of things wrong with me when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, but alcoholism absolutely was not one of them. I'm Jewish and Jews don't drink because it might dull the pain, and, you know, you just don't wanna squander any agony opportunity that presents itself. One of the first guys that ever helped me in AA, in my first home group, I was a couple weeks sober and this guy identified, he said, I'm an ex Catholic, which means I don't believe in God, and I'm therefore positive that God is gonna come kill my ass for feeling that way. And I said, I'll sit near him, because I completely understood that. So if you knew, I just want to I wanna urge you as much as I possibly can to stick around long enough to get a diagnosis.

Just find out what alcoholism is, and I wanna tell you, it took me a long if you had asked me that the first day, if I was an alcoholic, I would have said no. I'm glad nobody asked me, you know. I have I have this weird reaction to alcohol. I can't stop, I can't moderate once I begin. I'm part of a of a a separate class of of persons who are actually physically allergic to it.

And if you're special and a drug addict, try some controlled crack smoking. You know? Just fill your mouth up with crack smoke and say, I'm not in the mood, and blow it out. And hats will fill the air. I work alone, but thank you.

Don't get over sober on me. Don't get over sober. And it it that would be okay. If it was just a physical allergy, I'd be fine. I really would be fine, but I have this bizarre thinking.

It it it's it's referred to as alcoholic thinking. It's the source of a lot of mirth at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, and I've got it. I've got it. I got it bad. I, and I still do stuff.

I mean, my wife came home, I was making the bed, and I start thinking while I'm making the bed, so I lose track. So I unfurl the sheet, I hook myself behind the head, and drive my head into the bed. And I and my wife looks really concerned. You know? I I I'm I'm trying to fix my kid's phone, so I'm gonna call their phone to see if it works.

So I call their phone, and then I start thinking. And the phone rings, and I go, who the hell is calling me while I'm trying to fix the phone? And my kids just go, oh, oh, oh, oh. And this is like a couple of months ago. I'm I'm not I'm not going, way far back.

But I've got this I've got this this nutty thinking, and I've got it, that's why I do more in AA than I ever have before. And and that's why I've been hanging out with people who do more. I hang out been hanging out with people since I got sober. When things get good, they do more. When things get bad, they do more.

They just do more. Some years ago, I was about 14 years sober and I, needed surgery on my hand, and, my doctor said, you know, you're gonna need general anesthetic. And I said, general anesthetic? That's great. General anesthetic.

Normal people don't get excited about general anesthetic. There's no normal person that really goes and I'll tell you why. I leave the surgery out. They don't leave the surgery out. I leave the I like so I'm gonna be wounded and, you know, but they don't leave that part out.

I do. I do. And I'll tell you why, because I know about general anesthetic. I know when they hit you with it, they say count backwards from a 100, and you go, a 199. I love 99.

I love it. I love it. The difference is I won't trade my my life in for it. One of the most misquoted lines in the big book of AA for me has always been, I've heard people say, my worst day in here is better than my best day out there. No.

No. Let's see. A pound of cocaine and an all female jazz band or a panel of Chino. I don't know. What do you wanna do?

What do you you gotta be nuts. I had a great I love drinking. What the guy says at the end of chapter 3, basically, is I wouldn't trade my worst day in here for my best day out there because I won't trade this way of life. I won't live like a sap anymore. I won't take a conical today when I could have a quarter tomorrow, and I understand that.

A couple of years after this, thing with my hand, I was seeing a different doctor and he said, you know, that surgery that you you needed on that hand, you need it on your other hand. And I said, guess we'll be having some of that general anesthetic guy. And the guy looked at me like I was nuts. He said, you don't need general anesthetic with this. And my first thought was, no.

I need another goddamn doctor is what I need. Now. I just wanna tell this story, because I see I'm already I've got a couple of people nodding out on me, which is fine. It's fine. I'd prefer it if you had just shot diluting and there was some excuse, but if you're bored and you could get bored, it's gonna be a little bit to go this evening.

I wanna tell you my favorite story about being bored in AA, because I just haven't told for a while, and I love this story. I had a friend named Jeff Dee who was at my old my old home group, and he was brand new, and he was shifting around in his seat, and his sponsor said, what's the matter? And Jeff said, I'm bored. And his sponsor said, well, you know why you're bored. And Jeff said, no.

Sponsor said, you're bored because you're boring. That's why you're bored. And it was like an acid moment for him. He just went, woah, dude. He just it flipped him out.

You know? And he thought, what a great thing to say to a newcomer. You know? He could hardly wait till a newcomer told him that they were bored. 13 years later, no newcomer has told him that they're bored.

He's at a meeting at the North Hollywood group, and, he's with this young lady who is new, and she's shifting around in her seat. And he said, what's the matter? She said, I'm bored. And he said, boy, you know why you're bored? She said, yeah.

Because I'm with you. So welcome if you're bored. If you're new, a lot of what I'm gonna say tonight is gonna sound like this. And that's okay. I have a great great this is the only newcomer I've heard.

This is like the shortest newcomer joke I ever heard. I called a newcomer today, hello, he lied. And anyway, I, I've got this weird thinking that keeps talking me into taking a drink I can't stop taking, and I developed this spiritual tapeworm, this cancer of the soul that ate me up inside and left me hollow and insane and alone, and that's alcoholism. And I didn't have that the 1st day I walked in here. I didn't know it, and I didn't know that I was beyond human help.

Even though you heaped evidence as to the hopeless on upon me as to the hopelessness of my situation. And I was deflated of ego at depth enough, and my ego didn't repair itself fast enough, so I let some grace in and I experienced the the touch of the master's hand, and I started to get well. And it was a long, ugly trip up until that point. I, grew up in the Bronx in New York City to a completely insane family. My wife never believed me about my family until she met them, and, my mom had thrown an engagement party for us.

And my my aunt Rose came to the party and wore her wig, and it was backwards. And it had a bun on it, so the bun was bouncing off her forehead all night. It she wore it beret style, sort of jauntily askew. It was a look she was going after. This was not, she wasn't disoriented.

If you got anything for free in my family, I meant it was stolen. And I had an uncle who used to get, he was a welder, and he used to get free bales of steel wool. Like, here's your paycheck and your complimentary bale of steel wool. And, his wife took a decorating course and made throw pillows for the whole house, and filled them with the free steel wool, and that that stuff works its way through on you after a while. So you'd look at the whole room.

Everybody be moving a little bit, you know, the whole whole room was like a living, pulsing, breathing thing. And, and there was mental and physical abuse, and chronic institutionalization, and suicide attempts, and, and if you're new here, all I've got is good news, as my family didn't have anything to do with making me an alcoholic. I'm not telling you that my family didn't injure me. I was terribly injured as a child. And I'm not telling you I haven't had to do a lot of stuff about that, I have, but I am telling you they didn't make me a drunk.

They couldn't possibly have come up with this alchemy of 3 elements that joined together to create this landscape of resentment, fear, and sexual misconduct that plucked me beyond the possibility of being helped by conventional medicine, clergy, well meaning people, people who loved me. And I didn't have a clue, and I was being literally eaten by it. Until a couple of months before I got sober, I found my wife locked in a a bathroom pregnant with our second child weeping, convinced that she was giving our baby cancer. And there was nothing wrong with her. We just had alcoholism.

So I, I grew up in the Bronx with this crazy family. I got put in a therapy for, I was in psychotherapy for 18 years. By the time I got to AA, I was gonna be dead, but I was gonna understand it. And I have no beef against therapy at all. I I'm in therapy now.

I I I my colossal mistake is I was trying to treat my alcoholism with psychotherapy. I mean, the the the idea of most therapy is to uncover, discover, unravel, to free associate, to delve in your past, most conventional, sometimes Freudian therapy. That's some of the treatment. And if you have any if you if you're neurotic, I I don't know if anyone here has ever been to referred to as a neurotic, you you have anxiety. You have anxiety, and then you come up with a resolution for the anxiety, and it's bad.

It's a bad resolution. It's a bad idea. So your solutions are worse than your problems. And that's in neurosis. You just you have anxiety, you're a bad resolution, more anxiety.

So I go to therapy. I say, well, I'm I feel terrible. Why? Well, I was so drunk yesterday. I was too drunk to walk, so I drove.

What are we gonna do about that? Let's talk about it. I got an idea. What were you thinking just before you did it? Nothing.

Nothing. How are you gonna treat nothing? I feel terrible. Why? Well, yesterday, I sharpened a hypodermic needle on the back of a matchbook striker and sucked some heroin up through a fluffed up cigarette filter, and then I inject it.

I I I just feel terrible. What were you thinking just before you did it? Nothing? Nothing. And if you ask the alcoholic why they've done this thing, why have they acted without reason?

Why? How could this happen? My alcoholism goes below the horizon. It stops presenting itself as a real piece of business, and I act without explanation, without reason. I have every reason in the world not to drink, but it stops presenting sometimes, I'll fall in love, out of love.

I'll get a job. I'll lose a job. Something will happen, and it'll stay above the horizon as a real piece of business for a period of time, but it's on my own juice. And if it's on my own juice, I'm gonna get distracted, or I'm gonna experience the phenomenon of craving or the strange mental twist, or I'm a a resentment's gonna come up and tag me or a fear, and it's gonna go below the horizon, and I am going to act in a way where this meaningless thing is precious to me, and I again stomp all over my life. I, didn't wanna be an alcoholic when I was a kid.

I, so I I conquered my alcohol problem with marijuana. I like to welcome all the pot smokers here. You remember Wow. Right? Wow.

Wow. Right after wow usually came, What? What? Wow. What?

Wow. What? Wow. What? Wow.

Wow. Wow. What? What? Watching a pot smoker is like watching a dog try to run on linoleum.

There's a lot of activity, but no movement. They they just can't get a claw in the rug. I overcame my marijuana problem with pills and, conquered pills with cocaine. Cocaine is an excellent drug. It's particularly good for sex if you enjoy sex from the neolithic period.

Welcome if you're new. I'm glad you're here. We have a sexual inventory. That'll be exciting. And I drank till I didn't wanna be a drunk.

Alcohol was on the table every day. And I was about in my early twenties, I was going through a cycle where I was using, intravenous drugs, and I was hitchhiking from the Bronx down in Manhattan, and my I was picked up by my aunt and uncle. My father had had a massive massive stroke, and, I was taken to the hospital, and I couldn't show up for my pop. I couldn't I couldn't do it. I the curtain was down.

I couldn't even go and touch him in the cheek and tell him I love him and watch him take his light into another room. And I felt like an a pig, an animal. I had holes in my arms. I couldn't I collapsed as a son, as a man, as a brother, and I had to do some fast work. I I couldn't fit the pain in my head, and I came up with something pretty quick that it was it was needles and heroin, and all I had to do was never put a needle in my arm again, and I wouldn't be the guy who couldn't show up for his old man.

So I didn't. I didn't put a needle in my arm, not for 13 years. Shortly after that, I was acting in a Broadway play, and, this new usherette walked in with long brown hair, and I took one look at her, and walk I didn't even say hello to her. I walked back into the dressing room of the show, I stood up on a chair, and I announced to the male members of this cast that if anyone talked to the new usherette with long brown hair, I'd break all the bones in their hands and feet. And we've been, married 28 and a half years.

In part, because we've never wanted to get divorced at the same time, I think. It's a little my wife will be the first to admit that. One of the most troublesome and annoying and debilitating defects of character for me, in sobriety and out of sobriety has been the defect of mind reading. I think that I know what people are thinking, and, they're never thinking anything good by the way. I I never read a mind and go and the guy's going, hey, you're pimpy.

I like you. You're cool. They're always going, you're a dip. You don't know what you're doing. You're wrong.

My wife one day said to me, honey, you're not a mind reader. You're barely a mind user, which that hurt that hurt. And we had a great time. We had a great time. I was acting on Broadway.

We moved in with each other about a minute and a half later, you know. And and, look, if you're new, you really are gonna you're gonna hear some wacky stuff about alcoholism now that you're here. Some of it might sound true, and some of it might mean something to you, and some of it might not. The stuff that's been annoying to me over the years, I have yet to find in the big book of AA. Never found it.

I've heard and but it but it works for some people. It's not this stuff shouldn't be said, but it's kinda interesting. I've heard alcoholics don't like change, just do not like change of any kind. I don't like change I don't like, but I I I love change that I like. I seem to have an endless amount of patience for it.

I've never heard anyone get to a podium and say, oh, I hit the lottery. I'm having sex with identical twins. It's killing me. I I can't take these changes. I've heard alcoholics are perfectionists.

I'm a pig. I I the only time that I seem to ever have an explosion of perfectionism is when my wife is caring for me. Then that's when the perfectionism, really. But my my favorite, my absolute all time favorite is, that alcoholics are above average intelligence. I have only heard this at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

I have never heard it at an Al Anon meeting, ever. Oh, you are whips. It's hard for me to be above average intelligence after I've hooked myself behind the head and driven my head into a bed. And Nancy and I had a great time, and it went on for a while. We had a great time.

I was acting in New York. I started directing plays. I had my own theater in New York. We did some great stuff. She started a career, and she's really after a while, I wish I had noticed, she started becoming very troubled, at at a certain point.

She became troubled and difficult and argumentative. I didn't know how bad she was getting, and, I came home one day, we had these 32 ounce iced tea tumblers in the house, and I popped the cork on a bottle of wine and emptied the entire bottle of wine into this glass. Now I'm gonna make a Cliff Roche face now. It's the pre pre alan on rat face. This one.

He does it better than me. He looks like a a trained attack muppet sometimes. He goes I said, what? She said, what are you doing? And I looked at her, and I said, I'm having a glass of wine.

Can a man have a glass of wine in his own house? We became so sick that a guy lent us his car, and we sold his car. I just never tire of saying that. It I'm I'm as stunned today as I was the first time I realized I had done it, which was guy lent us his car. We didn't have rent money.

No. No. Really. And, I looked into Nancy's eyes. I said, I am so sick of being a punk irresponsible kid.

I've had it. We're drawing a line in the sand. We are gonna stand on our own 2 feet. We're gonna sell the car. We're not And she looked at me and said, let's do, with with tears in her eyes.

I will never forget that guy's voice on the phone as long as I live. I said, you sold my car? That's like house sitting for someone and they come back and you're in escrow. What what what are you talking about? What do you mean you sold my car?

But I I was able to sell this car for the same reason that I like general anesthetic. I go from problem, general anesthetic. I go from, let's pay the rent, pay the rent. I leave out Grand Theft Auto. I leave out surgery and Grand Theft Auto.

La la la la la la la. That's gone. Gone. Someone had to forge the pink slip. But we did the right thing.

Sacrificed. Oh, my God. Our son, Jesse, was born son, Micah, was born. Our oldest son, Micah, and he he was really welcomed into the world. We were surrounded by friends and family and got a ton of phone calls.

He was really welcomed into our community. And 2 years 9 months later, when our son Jesse was born, in in those 2 years 9 months, we had become completely isolated from alcoholism. No one showed up at the hospital. No one called. No one sent a flower.

And it wasn't because people didn't love us. It really, really hurt too much to be around us. It was too scary. We went to the hospital to have Jesse that day. I hadn't paid the doctor, and we didn't know if he was gonna show up.

I told you that a couple of weeks before that, I had found Nancy locked in the bathroom convinced that she was killing our baby, because there was a spiritual tapeworm in her. Something had entered our life that our lives kept just running out between our fingers like a handful of water over and over and over again, and we didn't know what it was. And, you you know, there's there's not a lot of terrific places to be in a hospital, but the maternity ward gets pretty close when things are okay. It's a pretty cool place. And there was my wife in extreme psychological duress.

Jesse was sick when he was born. He was in neonatal intensive care, and there was nobody with her. And a doctor who I had never met before called me that night at our home and said, mister Redmond, where are you? And I said, you know what? I can't find anybody to watch my kid.

I have a 2 year old son at home. I can't I I, 3 year old, and I I can't, and she said, I'll tell you what, My husband is home. I'll give you my phone number. This is a huge metropolitan hospital. She said, you can bring my your son to my house, and my my husband will take care of him so you can be with your family.

And I said, no. I had no way to accept this woman's generosity. And how's this? That was the terrible night my son was born. The terrible night my son was born.

And, and now my poor son, Micah, had to be locked in the house with me, wracked with fear and and guilt and shame. He would have been better off if I had taken him to the waiting room and left him alone with a coloring book. At least he could have got the hell away from me. And, and little were were we to know, it's it's what gorge you know, what Bill talks about gorgeously in his story. Little were we to know this was gonna continue for 3 years.

3 years after this awful night. 3 years of broken promises, destroyed opportunities, I suffered from chronic success my entire life. By the time I got to AA, I had directed a TV show, a movie, I had my own theater, I had a book on the bestseller list. I did all of these things a time, because after I'd leave, they'd move the business so I couldn't find it again. I was the kinda guy, I'd be working someplace 30 or 60 days, and they start blaming each other for having hired me, you know, which is awful when they you'd got no.

You brought them. No. You no. It's a terrible feeling. And, we try to make a go of it.

We try to move through the alcoholic landscape of our lives, and our children our children just suffered miserably as a result of this disease. When Micah was about 4 years old, our family was at at McDonald's, and Michael walked over to a family we didn't know and he had never met before. He walked up to this family, and he said to this family, my father's an alcoholic and my mother has cancer. And Nancy walked up to the horrified, walked to the table, kinda took Mike away, and looked at this family and said, I my husband is not an alcoholic. It we we lose I've heard my wife say as a as a incredibly committed member of Al Anon.

I've heard her talk about this. I've heard her talk about it with new women. We get stupid. We get stupid. Alcoholics get stupid.

Their friends and family, it makes us we act without reason. That that thinking that's described in the second and third chapter, I'll stop after the 6th one, what's the use anyhow? How did it happen again? It's it's it's right in there. I see it I saw it in my children.

I saw it in my kids. My kids were either pointlessly aggressive on route to a goal that never got attained, or they just threw the towel and said, what's the use? What the hell's the use anyhow? And by April 22, 1985, my sons were 6 and 3. They were crushed by alcoholism.

They were not they were cut out from the society of other children. Their small motor skills were screwed up. They were, they were a wreck. Nancy and I were tongue chewing, babbling idiots, and on and I put a needle in my arm again. I crossed the line I swore I would never cross.

Why? Why not? It was time. I called my therapist in my 18th year of psychotherapy, my first union therapist, and I told him what I had done, and he said to me that morning the exact same thing that Carl Jung told the man who told the man who 12 stepped the man who 12 stepped the man who 12 stepped Bill Wilson. He said to me on the phone that day, there's absolutely nothing that can be done for you.

And that's what Carl Jung told Roland Hazard after being analyzed by him and drinking afterwards. I said, what are you talking about? He said, I can't help you. The only thing I can suggest is we have you institutionalized. And then he said to me the thing that Carl Jung couldn't say to Roland Hazard.

He said, or you go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous. Now why I went to the, the meeting is a mystery to me. It's an absolute mystery to me. Why I'm a guy who loved dental surgery, who looked forward to general anesthetic. Why I didn't go to the mental institution?

That's an uninterrupted source of narcotics. That's a chance to be with my people, colorful and adventurous people. That's that's you write a book in the nuthat. Right? Why I went to that AA meeting is an absolute mystery to me.

I got up at 5 o'clock in the morning. I put my best clothes on. I got a bad check to write you, and I went to a clubhouse called Unit A in the San Fernando Valley, right next to a lovely Polynesian themed bar named the Tonga Hut. I walked into this room, I looked around, and I said to myself, oh my God. Oh God.

How did this happen? Alcoholics Anonymous. How did I wind up in Alcoholics Anonymous? This is beyond lame. This is beyond church, beyond synagogue.

This is some plateau of lameness I never even imagined was available to me. Alcoholics Anonymous. And the room looked like it was the product of, like, 200 years of inbreeding to me. You know? There were, like, identical twins carving their initials on each other's feet in the back of their room, as far as I was concerned.

And everything was America. I'm America. You're America. Oh, the coffee. Oh, what a miracle.

The coffee is such America. Cliff, I'll I'll leave this up for you for later on. Then the the unsolicited AA information guy, he saw me after the meeting. You know him. He's got a belt buckle large enough to serve an entire fish on.

Do I want what you've got? No. No. But thanks for spitting on me. I appreciate it.

See you next week. Do we hook a rug next week? What happens? Gonna the arts and crafts are gonna start next week. I'm waiting for the Jew hunt to start.

I know that's gonna break out any minute. Right? Come on, Jaime. Strap these antlers on. Come on.

It'll be fun. We'll knock his beanie off. When he bends down to pick it up, we'll push him over. It'll be fun. Come on.

Everybody's going. Always wanted to run a big buck Jew. I went back to that meeting every morning for a year, and one of my dear friends who I met that first day is in the crowd tonight, who I just adore. And we've known each other almost 20 years, and I just love her to pieces. And the only reason that I think I went back to this room is I was out of plans.

If you're new here, I pray for you that you are out of plans. If you're new here and you have a plan, it's probably a beaut. Don't use your plan. Grab one of us after the meeting and tell us your plan. We wanna know the plan.

My favorite newcomer plan over the years, the most utilized newcomer plan, has been the one more dope deal to set myself up financially for sobriety plan. It becomes more popular the closer you get to Lemon Grove. Right down there. So if you're new, if you be a mulein', welcome to AA. And, some of the closest people to me in Alcoholics Anonymous were sitting in that room and the people who I met in that room.

1 of the guys there, Milton m, couple of months later, his, wife Ruby became my wife's sponsor and has been my wife's sponsor, all these years. And, I don't know what happened to me that day. All I can tell you is that I had a window of opportunity. If you're new here, some of us might get a little pushy and a little nutty if you've stopped drinking. See, the not drinking part's a moose.

If it was not for the not drinking part, we would be a much bigger organization. I guarantee it. I guarantee it. It's that not drinking thing really screws a lot of people up. Here it is.

If you're new, when you want a drink, don't. Yikes. It's really crazy. It's a crazy idea. And and I was just crushed enough to let in enough.

And, you know, when you're new, we we we get pushy. We want we would like to see you take advantage of the opportunity that's been afforded you if you've stopped drinking, if you've gotten out of the cycle of spree and remorse for a period of time. Because sometimes these opportunities disappear really quickly. And then times sometimes you hear about people who stay untreated for a long period of time, but they don't drink. And maybe I could be one of those guys.

Well, I didn't I didn't find out. And, I stuck around Alcoholics Anonymous for 6 months, and I went to meetings. My wife reached out to the Al Anon family groups. I know exactly when because she raised her hand at her first meeting and said, my name's Nancy. I'm, my husband's 37 days sober, and that was the end of my countdown in Al Anon.

And, I tell you, it I would get very confused sometimes when I was new. I would go to AA meetings occasionally and hear people telling, jokes about Al Anon. I'm not talking about good natured jokes. We tell enough good natured jokes about alcoholics. I'm talking about mean, you know, until I stuck around long enough to find out that the people who are doing that had no information, real information about the work being done in the Al Anon family groups.

If they did, they couldn't possibly tell those jokes. It'll be like going to a a a meeting and hearing people tell awful stuff about AA. I mean, if they that happened, I think we'd go, well, you don't know. You can't know. You don't know that a fire gets started here.

You don't know what happens. You don't know that people's jaws get pried open and life gets spit into them. You don't know. You couldn't know. And yet there are times where we tolerate it in AA.

And you know what? I only get I used to have all the votes. I've been whittled down to 1 by good sponsorship. And if, you know, if if if you think it's okay to do that, that's fine. That's your vote.

My vote is that it's not okay. It's not. Because there might be a newcomer like me out there who's sitting there going, what are you doing? What the what is that? I'm like and I was incredibly proud of my wife and happy that she was interested in in doing this thing.

So, god bless Al Anon. I don't, you know, I don't need my wife to go to Al Anon, but I sure appreciate it. And, when she's doing well, I'm doing better. I'm not doing, you know, I, my wellness is not contingent on her, but it's fun. And my wife's Allen on family, I'm sure a lot of other people use this, but, her sponsor always stressed it, that when things would start moving a little fast I don't know, in our family, driving is not good.

It's not good. My wife has a set of imaginary driving controls on her side of the car. I'm gonna get her a Fisher Price thing eventually, and there's an imaginary break that she pushes down on and a lot of body English, a lot of movement, a lot of activity, And I seem to get psychotic when she does this. And, and you know when things start moving quick quick quick quick quick, ready, fire, aim. You know, things are starting they're starting to cook, starting to cook.

It's like trying to grab soap. You know? And and she was encouraged to say, you know, sweetheart, you could be right. Could be right. And one day, things are moving really quick, really fast.

And my and I've I've grown accustomed to hearing this wonderful thing. Connie, you could be right. It's not much, but it's all I got. You know? And I and she goes, you know, sweetie, you could be right, but not today.

Not today. It's not your day. Not gonna happen today. I'll let you know it's your day. Not today, big guy.

It's not gonna happen. And, at 6 months of sobriety, I asked the guy to sponsor me because I knew I was gonna drink. I knew it. I had seated 100 of times. I consider myself lucky to have stayed sober 6 months before I got involved in the work in the big book of AA.

He was a great guy, still is a great guy. And he invited me over to his house, and he had made sure that I had done some reading from the big book of AA, and he read chapter 5 to me. And on on the way through, he took me through the first two steps. We reached step 3, which my friend Clef refers to as the formal articles of, of surrender. I gotta tell you something.

I found this out the other day. It was one of the most beautiful expressions of the second step I've ever heard. The root the the origin of the phrase carte blanche, which we generally know as carte blanche, is to have, you know, license to do things. And what it comes from is a French phrase. When an army has been beaten so badly, they have to sign a blank treaty.

It's a carte blanche. I signed a blank treaty when I got here, and your ass has gotta be whooped pretty good to do that because they'll fill it in later. And if you're really willing and you're really willing, you sign a blank treaty of Alcoholics Anonymous. And God willing, you won't have people who are gonna have you, you know, wear a grass skirt and touch them while you're chanting the 12 steps. Cliff told me that magic would disappear if I ever told anyone, but it's so much fun to have the microphone when he has no microphone.

I I just I can't this is better than Christmas as far as I'm concerned. And then we reached step 3, and we got on our knees and said a prayer together, which I felt was 4th step from the big book of AA. I came back to Don and I read it to him at, 9 months of sobriety, and I had an incredible day with him. My life changed that day that I read that 5th step to him. And, I did step 6 and 7 for the first time, which have become my my fulcrum of my relationship with my higher power, and I, wrote up my 8 step list.

I try to share this anytime I talk because it's simply the best reading of step 8 I've ever heard. And I heard it, I was a couple of weeks sober at my old home group, and there was a guy, there's a a a guy there who had never read chapter 5 before. His name was Nino. He had a heavy New York accent, and he was there with a hospital group. He had hospital plastic, and he had never read the big book.

And he read it for the first time in front of this group, and he got up to step 8, and he read, made a list of all those we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Jesus Christ. And he looked out into the room as if to say, have you seen us? Do you know what the hell is in here? Oh, it was so gorgeous.

It was so pure. It's all I saw. I didn't say anything else on the list. Not those people. Not that money.

I I would not have taken that much money if I know I had to give it back. You think I'm an idiot? I'm above average intelligence. And if you're new, don't worry about it. It's 8 steps from where you are anyway, for God's sake.

And 8 is not the annoying one. It's 9. It's the really annoying one. It's the pay it back step. So I wrote up my 8 step list.

I didn't know what I was gonna do about it. I didn't know what I was gonna do about my wife and my kids and my and my dad. I didn't know what I was gonna do, and I was blessed with a sponsor who refused to tell me how to make amends. He said, do your job in AA. I don't know how this is gonna come out.

Do your job in AA. Let's get to work. And I was hanging out with a bunch of guys who just they did it. They just did it. They were on the board of our home group and trustees, and they had panels to Warm Springs and Tehachapi, and they, and they answered phones at central office.

And they, this buddy of mine was answering phones at central office. And this woman called and said, how what's the waiting list like now? And, my friend said, what are you talking about? So, well, 2 weeks ago, I told my husband I had to get the hell out if he joined unless he joined AA. And he called and he said that you guys put him on the waiting list.