The Northshore Roundup in Vancouver, BC

Hi, family. I'm Sam. I'm an alcoholic. You're gonna clap just for that, Deb? It's great.

No. Wow. It's better in the dark. This thing happening. I wanna thank the committee.

I wanna thank Archie and Pam and Bill and the rest of the committee. I haven't had a chance to meet yet or if we've met, I didn't know you were part of the committee or but I'm I'm just I'm out of you know, I'm blown away, really. And I wanna thank my girl Natasha. What's up? Where are you?

I see you. And, it's been, you know, unbelievable. I got I told her, you know, as soon as I got off the plane, you know, she said, well, gosh. We're probably gonna be late for the dinner, you know, whatever. I said, you know what?

If you just put me back on the plane, I had the best time. I've had a great time. And, and it just keeps getting better and better, you know? I've never had it so good, you know, no matter what my head says. Truly I have a life beyond my wildest dreams and and, you know, before I get into my story, the story, you know, the story that we're all in bondage to, You know, the speakers have been wonderful.

You know, Adam last night, you know, both Adam and and and Polly. I mean, I have, I've I've heard these guys many times. They've never heard me, but they're gonna have to sit through it tonight. But, you know, and I was kinda terrified because Adam last night was saying things like, I don't want to offend anybody, but if someone said that to me, I'd kill them. And I was like, oh, fuck.

I just said that in my head though and, you know, I don't wanna offend anybody but, you know, if if you're gonna have sex, you know, when you have sex with a with a gorilla, you know, the and I'm just like, if that's what's offending these folks up here, I you've got the wrong speaker, folks. I oh, you know, you'll you'll understand why I'm not the spiritual speaker for tomorrow morning. I got a little edge. Little edge. Little edge.

And they gave us money. I don't know if you know this, that the committee gave us money. Your money. It's your money. And, you know, we have this thing where I'm from and first of all, if I had a different sponsor, I'd be wearing something different.

Let me just tell you that right now. But, you know, I don't do dresses usually, but it when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, that's, you know, that's what I was told. I was told a lot of things by my sponsor that aren't in the big book. You know? Let me just tell you that right now.

I mean, when I got to this program, I was 7 months sober, and for the 1st 7 months, alls I wore was UGGs, sweats, flannels. I had the back of my head shaved and my 2 bottom teeth knocked out. Talk about a vision for you, Adam. You know? I mean, towards the end of my using, you know, I am drinking.

Drinking. Well, let me just let me I digress. See if you can keep up. Natasha, do I look pale? Do I have enough rouge on?

Okay. Like, what the hell is she gonna do now? Anyways, my point being they pay us. And where I'm from, my sponsor says, you know, I called her today too. You know?

I said, I'm out of my league. And she, see see, this is the thing, you guys. I don't do this like these guys do this. I don't do this. You know?

And, you know, I mean, I do it. You know, around, you know, town and a couple hundred people maybe is like, woah. You know? But this is kinda, you know, Natasha's all, this is kind of a little one. It's about 2,000 people.

I'm like, what? You know what I mean? And I'm, you know, I'm I'm not really a ham. I'm, like, the whole pig. You know what I mean?

So, normally you know? And I am. I am a pig. You know? I'm a pig for alcohol, and, you know, when people you know?

And I'm a pig for Alcoholics Anonymous. You know? So when people are like, oh my god. Sam's your sponsor? Oh my god.

She's a Nazi. You know? She's a big book thumper. I'm like, well, what the hell book am I supposed to be thumping? You know what I mean?

I don't I don't understand. But anyways, I mean, I I, you know, I love this program. I I love it like I loved alcohol. And for me, it's kinda like the way I loved alcohol was like, you need to get out of the way or you're gonna get hurt. You know what I mean?

So sometimes I deliver that same kind of passion in AA and sometimes, you know, people are offended. And I'm like, you know, guy. You know what I mean? I'm just 1 gal. You know what I mean?

I will. You know, my 3rd year sober, that was my mantra. Bring it on. That changed. Anyway, the point is they give us this money, and I'm like, what is this?

Brad money? Hush money? It's so I don't say the f bomb. Because if I drop every f bomb, you know, I have to put a dollar in the basket. So sometimes when I speak, I just go give them a credit card.

I'm just like, here. What's up? You know what I mean? Because so Natasha's holding my money, just so you know, and I plan on giving it entirely back to this this, convention. Plus, I got an extra 20 just in case.

Oh, it's not that much. Is that because I'm so virtuous? Is that what it is? It's by circumstance rather than by any virtue that I'm driven to AA. But, anyway, so, you know, here's a 20.

Buy yourself something pretty. Alright. God's like, shut up, Sam. Please go. So anyway, yeah.

So Adam, great. Love story. And then today, you know, I got to hear Carolyn. She was great. Carolyn and, well, first of all, Ingrid and and Todd, cute little kids.

The sweet things, them. They're great and loved it. Loved it. And and Nancy and Kitty Nancy, you know, just made me weep, you know, with the ocean with the lotion and and being loving to myself. And I just have so much to learn about intimacy.

I have so much to learn. I have so much to learn. And that's the thing about Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, I already know how to hate. You know? I already know how to hate.

I already know how to be angry. You know? I don't know how to remove some of those edges. You know what I mean? And I used to drink to take off the edge.

And Alcoholics Anonymous is is rounding out the edges slowly. Rounding. I'm only 12 and a half. You know what I mean? But anyway and after tonight, you'll go, she doesn't have any round edges.

Oh my god. So you might have to write, you know, if you need to write about me. That's cool. I'm glad to improve your spiritual life. I'm gonna tell you right now if there's kids here, you know, I'm just saying, you know, the amount of profanity I use is directly proportional to how scared I am.

You know? How scared are you, Sam? We'll see. So, jeez, I better get going. Anyway, I just wanted there's so many good you know, there's so many and then Nancy and Kitty and and and and then Carolyn and Doug today.

You know? Carolyn really I love that, you know, where she was, I guess I can reshare. This is on a tape. So I don't know where you are, Carolyn. But anyways, this is what hit me today was, she was talking about she had gotten, you know, accused of misuse of alcohol.

You know? She was like, I was drinking it. What's the misuse? You know? And I'm yeah.

And I it's the same way I feel. It's like you the the only people I know that abuse alcohol, you know, are like Al Anon's. You know what I mean? It's a and I love Al Anon. And it's not just Al Anon, really.

It's nonalcoholics. There's no such thing as a normie. What the hell is that a normie? No such thing. It's just they're neurotic in some other way, and it manifests itself in some other way.

Usually me, if you're an Al Anon, and, you know, your neurosis manifest itself in us. But I am a I am a grateful member of Al Anon as well and because I love alcoholics. Trust me, AAs. You know? You stay sober long enough, we all end up in Al Anon.

Yeah. Without a doubt. I'm a little bitter because my Al Anon broke up with me in December and I have to pay for his fucking ticket to this thing. But I'm not bitter. I've worked the steps.

So, yeah. So I love, you know, I love what Carolyn said. I love how Doug started out his pitch of very loving and compassionate, you know, talking about how can we help those people who who are not necessarily alcoholics or who are alcoholics and that. You know what I mean? And singleness of purpose and why we need that unity and so on and so forth.

And here's the deal, my friends. You know, if you I wanna welcome the newcomers. I wanna welcome you. Welcome you home. You know?

I wanna welcome I wanna welcome the resumeers, you know, the starter upper againners. You know what I mean? I wanna welcome the drug addicts, the alcohol and addicts and the addicts and alcoholics. Yeah. Get a sponsor who will teach you the traditions and we won't have much applause there.

Anyway, I wanna welcome the stoners, the tweakers, and the dope fiends. I wanna welcome you all to Alcoholics Anonymous. Because here's the deal. The deal is that I, you know, I qualify as an alcoholic. K?

I put gin in a syringe and stuck it in my arm, so I really have no idea what program to go to, but this one seems to work fine. Okay? Now I tell people that and they're like, you put gin in a syringe? Why? I'm all, because it was a perfectly good syringe.

You know? And for those of you who understand the relationship with that, that's fine. So I don't apologize for any of that because like I said, you know, I mean, if you're a purist, a purist, I'm sorry. You know what I mean? You missed out.

Ecstasy, you know. But it doesn't matter because the bottom line is is that alcohol alcohol was the most powerful thing. It was spiritus contra spiritum, as Young said, or vice versa or something like that. My Latin's kinda weak. But anyways, the point is is that anything that could get me to that point, the, you know, there, The the the the I need a sufficient substitute for that?

So I can't see y'all, but just out of curiosity, how many relapsers? The rest of you are original winners. Original winners? Shit. Uh-oh.

I heard some Well, here's the deal. My sobriety date is September 5, 1995. That's this time. Okay. No.

No. No. No. No. No.

Anyways and my home group is off center. In Santa Barbara, it's off center. In Phoenix, because I live in both places, we'll get to that story maybe, it's Fellowship Hall. I just spit. Sorry about that.

Glad you guys are so what's up, Milton? I'm Samantha from Santa Barbara. Yeah. Alright. Okay.

You remember? Yeah. Doesn't matter if you don't remember. I'll tell you again. Okay.

So those are my home groups. My I have a sponsor, and she has a sponsor, and she has a sponsor, and she has a sponsor, and I don't know. Mary McNally's sponsor is probably God. I don't know who's you know, I don't know who sponsors her. But, anyway, the point is I have a lineage.

You know? And and we were told, you know, to wear a dress and and what have you when we speak, and we try to represent, you know, it's the least I can do, for the program that saved my life. But let's be honest. You know? I mean, if if the if the bartender said I want you to wear a dress or you don't get a drink, dress, no dress, what do you want?

Do you know what I mean? Come on, really. You know? Would you have done it for a drink? That's the only thing you need to ask yourself.

Would you have done it for a drink? If someone asked you to, wear a red badge that said volunteer and just sorta help people with this for, you know, a couple hours here and there for 3 days, and you'll get the biggest bag of dope and booze you could ever lay your hands on. I sponsor chicks that are like, I have to walk 4 blocks? I don't have a car. See, and that's when, you know, that's when my compassion sounds like a loaded shotgun.

Did you know compassion can sound like a loaded shotgun? Okay. I mean, you know, for the 1st year of my sobriety, I thought the first step was shut the fuck up and get in the car. I really did. That's just what I'm saying.

Now I'm quoting. You see? I shouldn't be charged for that because that's a direct quote. So my sobriety did. Gave you that blah blah blah blah blah.

You know, and here's my story. I was adopted. I'm the youngest of 4. I'm the only one that was adopted. My dad's a retired orthopedic surgeon.

We were raised in Arcadia. Everyone's a college grad, blah, blah, blah. Everyone's a doctor. Everyone's a lawyer. Everyone's smart.

Okay. And, let's see. They wanted you know, here's the joke at the cocktail parties. They wanted to have 3 kids and adopt 3 kids, but after Samantha we said that. So right?

Hello to my loving sponsor. Alright. So here's the thing I wanna tell you about. Now this did not make me an alcoholic, because I've come to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I found that a 1000000000 people felt exactly the same I the way I did, and they're not adopted. So that didn't make me an alcoholic.

It's just part of my story. You know what I mean? The story, god, that we're just attached to. I mean, a truly a slave, a an absolute captive by my own hand. You know what I'm saying?

Anyways, when I got to Aladox Anonymous and found I could actually make a new story, had no idea. But let me tell you a little something something about what separated me and blah blah blah. So here's the deal. This is the story I was told all the way up till I was 5 years old. We were waiting for you.

We were so looking forward to you. We were waiting for you and waiting for you. And when they it was time to go get me at the adoption agency. Everybody took the day off school, and everybody took the day off work, and everybody gotten their Sunday best to go down and get me. And I was wanted and loved and, you know, the whole 9 yards.

Now 5 years old, I'm in kindergarten. I go over to a girlfriend's house for a little play date, and this is what I remember. I don't know how the conversation came up, but the girl's mother looked down at me and said, oh, you're adopted. Oh. Okay?

Now I didn't get it. I was like because I thought adopt the only connection I had to adoption is yippee. You know what I mean? And all of a sudden I got that, like, oh my. Oh, my.

Okay. And I was to experience that several times growing up and I didn't really understand it, you know. But so that's my issue. You know? I'm an incest survivor.

That's my issue. You know? I couldn't even call it molestation. You know what I mean? It was just a game they played with me, and it was called Slave Girl.

You know? And we can laugh about that. I'm sorry if there's incest survivors here and everything. And I laugh partially because, you know, I've worked through a lot of it and partially because it's fucking tragic. You know what I mean?

And sometimes we gotta just be like, wow. You know? I survived that. And the the the the thing about staying sober long enough to carry the message to another human being is that I see that my darkest moments are my greatest assets. I cannot believe that I am here doing this.

I they're gonna fly me up to hear about, you know, how fucked up I was. What a mess I made of my life. I mean, welcome here. This is, the biggest group of recovering losers you will ever meet. And and we really suggest, we really encourage, we pray in earnest that you have so messed up your life, that you'll be willing to eat this rather untasty meal we'll place before you.

Right? Because, I mean, let's face it. You know? I mean, who cares to admit complete defeat? It's an ass kicking.

It's an ass kicking. It's an ass kicking. Ass kicking. Ass ass kick kick ass kicking kicking kicking ass kicking. I mean, you know?

I give. Right? Who cares to admit complete defeat? Who cares anything about, you know, I mean, finding somehow higher power that never did you any favors? You know what I mean?

And then turning your will and your life over to him, whatever that means. I don't even get it. It does not compute. You know what I mean? And then you you make an inventory of your growth for handicaps, and then you share it with some stranger who's sure to gossip about you at the turn over to let go of my character defects.

You mean my survival tools. You mean my armor. You mean the only entire package deal that's kept me alive on this weird planet for so you want that? Oh, sure. Do take that shirt.

Mhmm. Right. Mhmm. Oh, you want my anger? Okay.

Right. Uh-huh. Yeah. You want my drug of choice? Rage.

I don't think so. And then step 8, you know, is is being willing. You make the list. You know? Half the sponsees don't even know what that means.

Step 8. I'm like, step 8's nothing. Step 9, baby. You know what I mean? It's step 6 and 9 that'll kick your ass.

Step 4 is nothing. Step 6, now we're gonna separate the men from the boys. Step 9, stand in front of the judge again. I did it. Whatever you'd like to do, your what do you think we should do about this, miss Materne?

Or whatever you think's best, your honor. They should blow their minds. If you got court stuff, try that. I mean, you might go to jail. I mean, you know, so what?

Most of you know, lots of us gone to jail sobriety. So what? You know, you got obviously, you have a message to carry in jail. But I did it. Give them back their money.

You know? 10, continue to take personal inventory. And when we were wrong or wrong. We were wrong. Can't I just say I'm sorry?

Nope. In the 12 and 12 in step 10, not one place does it say say I'm sorry or apologize. Nothing. It's I am I was wrong. I was wrong.

You don't even have to be sorry to do step 10. Isn't that great? Screw them. You know you're right. It doesn't matter.

I was wrong to use that tone. I was wrong for talking to you that way even though you fucking deserved it and you're an asshole and I hate you. See why I'm not the spiritual speaker? Little edgy. Alright.

And then 11 is like, well, that's for the big kids. Don't do it without a coach. You know? Prayer and meditation. What?

Don't even sit quiet. What? I don't And then, of course, the kicker who wants to sacrifice time and energy carrying the message to some other unbreakable broad is not gonna stay sober anyway. I'm paraphrasing. And what's it say?

No. The average alcoholic self centered in the extreme doesn't care too much for this prospect unless she has to do it in order to stay alive alive herself. I was 7 years sober before I caught alive. I thought it said sober. Alive, which prompts the question, what kind of death are we talking about?

Right? Because, you know, if it's a quick death you know, spiritual life, dying alcoholic death. Spiritual life, dying alcoholic death. And we're like, don't rush me. Wait a second.

Hamlet. Avoid that. You know? You go to the grocery store and you're, like, taking a poll, spiritual life, dying alcoholic death. They're just like, I don't even know what you're talking about, but I'll take spiritual life.

But not the alcoholic. The alcoholic says, hang on. Don't rush me. Right? Is it a bloody death?

What you know? So long, drawn out. So and that's the deal with the first step. The fuck off. Step 1, there's no solution.

Here's step 1. You're screwed. The fuck off. Step 1, there's no solution. Here's step 1, you're screwed.

Next, that's it. Sorry. You know? It's an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind. It's an obsession of the mind, an obsession.

One thought exclusive to all others. Obsession. Obsession. Obsession. Come on, sober people.

You know what an obsession is. Right? When we see him. Money. Shopping.

I'm so glad they don't give chips for emotional sobriety because I'd be like, here's here's an emotional sobriety chip for 10 minutes. My hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry. Missed it. Shit. I gotta wait another 10 minutes.

All the people that stood up for 5 to 10 years, it's like, emotional sobriety. Here we go. That's when you need a really that's when you need a bigger god. That's when I needed a bigger god. 7 years sober.

7 years sober, I needed a god that was bigger than all my greatest human failings, or I was gonna be putting a little whiskey in the milk, if you know what I'm saying. You know what I mean? Jim puts a whiskey in the milk. You know? Suddenly, the thought occurred to me.

I think perhaps if I have a sandwich, whiskey or milk. See, all of you have read your big book. For those of you not laughing because it's a funny story, you haven't read your big book. Unless, you know, you're Paulie and Dave, and they don't laugh very much anyways. But, anyways because I watch them.

You know? But they're, you know, just like, mhmm. And she'll have a talk with me afterwards, I hope, and something like that. But, anyways, yeah, whiskey in the milk sounds like a good idea. And it's in italics in the big book.

It's like, suddenly, the thought occurred to me. And so, you know, so he had another, and the experiment went so well that he had another and another. And then the book says, and one more trip to the asylum for Jim. Right. Whoops.

So and you know Jim's sitting there in the asylum, and the last thing you wanna see is 2 guys from AA coming jotting down the you know, hey. What's up, nurse? Doctor? Jim's in there. Again, Jim.

Yeah. You know, I got my thighs. Jim, what's up? Whiskey and the milk. Good move, buddy.

Right? And Jim's all bitter. But I thought, shut up. You know what I mean? And so they asked him, Jim, what happened?

And Jim tells him their story. It says in the big book, you know, it was then discovered that Jim failed to enlarge his spiritual life. I know, baby. It doesn't get any easier. That that baby's coming up on 1 year sober.

You know that? Alright. Or maybe it's between 23. You know how they are. So anyways, you know what?

Here's the deal. My first sobriety date was March 30, 1983. So we had a little trouble with step 1, as you can see. So, you know, I was adopted. I, you know, I started drinking a little late in life.

I got a little late start. I was 9. I was in 4th grade. And, you know, I knew that I needed a drink sooner than that, but it you know, it's hard to score with a Partridge Family lunch pail or something like that. And so, you know, my first drink came in the form of a skunk bud, you know, and I'd watch these older brothers, you know, put, you know, marijuana in this long, beautiful bong.

And, you know, for you purists, or if you know Milton, if you don't know, you Milton knows what it is. But Denny, you know, I don't I don't know where you guys are at with the whole marijuana thing, but I don't really care. Anyways, the point is is that, you know, I just watched this guy, you know, you know, just clear that chamber. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll make you a diagram later, and we'll talk after the meeting. I'll let you know what a bong is.

And I'll try not to make you feel like you left you were left out. But, anyway, the point is my alcoholism came disguised as marijuana the first time. That's just the way it was. I was 9 years old. And I fell off their roof and ate a lot of Almond Roca, and I loved it.

And and from then on, you know, it really it's I mean, it went downhill from there, folks. 9 years old. What do you want? You know what I mean? I was putting my first drug rehab at 17 years old.

9 to 17. There's some Goodyears drinking. You know? So, and that's when I first got the message of of Alcoholics Anonymous through HNI. Thank you, HNI.

You have HNI in Canada? I am. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

HNI. And here's the only thing I remember from that meeting that someone said that perhaps I was sick and not bad. Now for a child like me who is truly evil, I was told that but I also tried my best to live up to that name. You know, that was some hope for me. I don't know that that's what I felt then, but I remember feeling something that must be hope because I really felt like, oh, so maybe I'm not bad.

And then of course my, you know, my head said, of course you're bad. You know what I mean? I used to obsess about dropping acid in my mom's coffee and just watching her flip out. I hated her. Hated her.

Now I've talked to other 12 year olds. They do not think about putting acid in their mom's coffee. So years of inventory later, I found out that I don't hate my mom. I'm completely and totally in such deep admiration of her that I could never be like her, thus I must hate it. She's unbelievable.

When I got into recovery at 17 my mom and dad got into recovery at 17. I mean, whatever, we all got into recovery. My dad, the physician, who's my hero who's my hero and the smartest man on the earth and taught me everything that is worth knowing as far as I'm concerned. Yeah. He was like, well, I'm not going to any meetings.

You know, she's the problem. Blah blah blah. Anyways, long story short, they got very, very involved in Al Anon. And when, in in the early eighties, Al Anon was where we were was very geared to spouses and spouses with alcoholic problems. And my mom and dad felt a little left out.

It was just a little it you know, it's kinda like what we do to the addicts and stuff. You know, it's like I just take them aside and say, look. I don't care what you are. When you're in an AA meeting, you say you're an alcoholic. Why?

Because if the dope man said, I want you to say you're an alcoholic before I give you dope, you think you'd be like, no. I don't think so. He'd be like, okay. Sure. Alcohol what do you want me to say?

What else? Howdy duty? I mean, come on. Come on. You know?

So my mom and dad went to a program called Families Anonymous, and they are black belts. Black belts in Al Anon and Families Anonymous, and they've been all over the world. They've started meetings in Turkey and Hungary and Greece and and Spain and ex I mean, you know. So I really had that blessing because when I went to go use the shower or try to get something to eat while I was out there drinking and using, my dad would show up to the front door with an empty urine sample cut. And he'd say, and I'd say, and off I'd go.

Couldn't pass the threshold without getting a clean urine sample. Hated them? Of course. Saved my life? Probably.

Probably. So if you're struggling with that or with a kid, I'm just telling you my experience is this is my opinion, which is based on my experience, and I got the scar tissue to prove it. So if anybody wants to step outside afterwards and talk to me about my opinion, I'm gonna win. It's my experience. It's my experience.

I love what Todd said today about experience too. That was good, Todd. Anyway, so, you know, but I got introduced. My drinking was never the same. I went in and out, in and out, 21 years old.

2021, I got sober again for what I thought was gonna be the last time. I stayed sober six and a half years, had a life beyond my wildest dreams, and then I quit going to meetings. See, now I hear a lot of things. You know? You know, I don't know what happened.

I don't know what happened. You know? I was I was working, you know, I was working the steps and I had a sponsor. I was sponsoring people and I was going to meetings. I was hitting my knees.

I had the commitments. And I think to myself, well, we're doomed. Or on closer inspection, you didn't follow the recipe. And it is a recipe. It's a recipe.

A recipe. Starving starving, you'll eat it. When I was 5 years old, I'd say to my mom, what's for dinner? I'm starving. And she'd say fish.

And I'd go, ew. And she said, well, then you're not really starving, are you? I can't believe how many times I use that with my sponsees. Oh, it's embarrassing. Anyway, you love the way my chocolate cake tastes.

Samantha, I love your chocolate cake. Can I can I get the recipe? Oh, I'd love to give you the recipe. And I write it down. A cup of this, a cup of this, teaspoon of this, a cup of cocoa, teaspoon cup cup cup.

And 3 days later, you call me and you're, like, crying. Oh, my cake tastes like shit. And I'll be, what happened? What happened? I can't believe it.

It's been in our family, like, 70 something years, and it's it's never failed me. It always comes out the same way. Let's go through it together. A cup of that, mhmm, and a cup and a teaspoon, mhmm, and a cup of cocoa. And in the immortal words of the newcomer, oh, I was thinking There's no thinking.

You follow a recipe for Toll House cookie for, you know, chocolate chip cookies, you can multitask a 1000000 different things while you're doing that stuff. Just like so I go, sweetheart in my more spiritual moments. Sweetheart, you need to put cocoa in a chocolate cake. I was thinking I wanted to put carob. Well, that's not a chocolate cake.

See, that's that's a carob cake. But why? Why? You know, now I have an Allen on slip. You know?

And I think that perhaps I need to break down all the scientific properties that go into carob as opposed to, chocolate, and I need to explain it. And then I go, what the heck am I talking about? It's a chocolate cake. You need to put cocoa in there. But why?

Now see I'm getting old in my old age. You know, and sometimes it's just like, because that's the way it is. Because that's the way the recipe is. That's the way we serve it. In Santa Barbara, in Phoenix, in British Columbia, in Toronto.

See? Milton's like, you don't say Toronto. You say Toronto. What's up, So cute. Anyway, see the point?

So if you're a relapser and you're just like, this bro, I'm just not gonna work for me. I just don't understand you. I tried everything. Come talk to me. Because I'll tell you, in the 100 of people that I've worked with, men and women, I'm telling you there are 5 things every single time it's the same 5 or combo thereof.

The first one is the first most dangerous words. I quit going to meetings. That's the first one. K? The second one is I didn't do a 4th.

I didn't do a 5th. I didn't do a 9th. And the kicker, I didn't do a 12th. I feel 10 years sober. I don't have anything to give.

I mean, I just need to, like, step away. You know what I mean? What I mean, then I was telling Natasha. I'm like, I'm spiritual enough to know where I can't be spiritual. You know?

That's that's I'm spiritual enough to know where I can't be spiritual. Well, I just can't talk to that guy right now because something's I'll go to jail. You know what I mean? You know? He also, you're so passionate about AA.

I'm like, you should've seen me drink. I'm telling you, it was just, you know so anyways gosh. Oh, good. I have 10 minutes. Okay.

I can't believe I've been sober long enough to get old enough to need glasses. I just think that's a kick. Anyway, they're like, oh, I know. I hate it. I'm like, I love it.

Anyway, most of the time. Some some other parts of me, I I'm not liking. What's going on there? What is going on there? Anyway, I've never been this old.

I've never been this sober. I've never been this sober. I've never been here before. You know what I mean? So every second is new.

I mean, right here, right now, you know. Pam Pam was talking to me, are you getting nervous? I was eating dinner. She was like, getting nervous about tonight. I'm like, what?

I'm eating dinner right here. Right now. Right Right here right now right here right now. Oh, and there it goes. There's a now.

Oh. And sometimes you know what I need to do? This is what I do to get in the now. I just take off my shoe and I feel the floor under all my feet. My heel and each of my toes.

And I'm right here, right now. And I'm loved, and I'm safe, and it's okay. And then, you know, I put my shoe back on and everything's screwed. But you know what I'm saying? It works.

It works for me. So so I stayed sober for 6a half years. Great life. Husband. Blah blah blah.

You know, kicking ass in my career and all this stuff, and I quit going to meetings. 6 months later we're at a bar. A girlfriend of mine and my husband neither would ever see me drink. You know? And you could tell a non alcoholic you're a recovering alcoholic.

You know? And they just don't get it. You know, they're like, well, good for you. You must be very proud. Good for you.

They got that night. Let me tell you. So, you know, they're talking. I'm always the designated driver. We go to bars, shoot some pool, whatever.

Blah blah blah blah. I haven't been to a meeting in 6 months, and all of a sudden I just reach right over and pick up a half glass of white Zinfandel and just break it down. Yeah. Silent. That's how I felt at the table.

And, and within seconds, you know, my girlfriend reaches over and she pats me on the knee and she says, well, good for you. See, and this is why I speak. It doesn't matter if it's 2 people or 2,000 people. This is why I speak. So I can remember this and never forget that from the bottom of my soloplast, like deep deep here, I heard a voice clear as day that said, here we go.

And the next thing I remember is me banging on the bar going, I want something to help me drink longer. You know, and the bartender's going, ix on the amphetamine, May. You know what I mean? You got a methamphetamine problem up here in Canada? You know, Doug was talking about, you know, my problem with alcohol.

You know, I'm gonna talk about my problem with alcohol. I don't have a problem with alcohol. I don't have a problem with drinking. I have a problem with stopped drinking and staying stopped. I have a problem with that.

You know? And that's the problem. It's like this is I I'm gonna tell you this on the down low. Don't tell anybody. This program has nothing to do with drinking.

Oh, it's much scarier what it has to do with. It has to do with god. God. A higher power. And that should scare the socks off you, really, in a lot of ways because that is what we're going it's a relationship with my creator and with me, with this precious child, this divine spirit, this this, All of this inside out.

Now that is a task my friends. You know what I'm saying? I'm just I mean, it could be just me. Maybe you guys don't know what I'm talking about. Anyways, I think I just self disclosed too much.

Anyways, so, you know, that that's where we get. The the the the deal is is it's not about drinking. I have stopped tons of times. I can't stay stopped. Here's why I can't stay stopped because unless I can find a sufficient substitute for the I already told you about the sliding down the podium thing, then I cannot not drink because I get a little restless, a little irritable, little irritable.

Little discontent. You know, kinda like Adam was talking about last night. You know, 60 days, 90 days, something like that. This 60 days I get the I get the best job I've ever had and never made so much money. They're paying me more than I ever made.

And then 4 months later, them selfish sons of bitches ain't paying me enough. Wait a second. It's the same job. Nothing's changed. Well, that's right.

Nothing's changed. See? Nothing's changed. You know, where's mine? What's nothing's changed.

If alcohol were the problem I stopped drinking life, happy, joyous, free. That's not what happens when I don't drink. My mom used to say you know, she used to speak at her we do give these split pitches and stuff, and she said and you can always tell when Samantha was loaded because she was so nasty. I'm like, that's when I was sober. They loved me.

Hi. They didn't know. I was cleaning my room. I was, hey. How you doing?

Hey. What's up? Hey. Oh, I'd love to, dad. Sure, mom.

What can I do for you? They thought that was sober? Please. Sober was like, animal. I I don't I don't know how many mom how many times my mom has lived with, I fucking hate you.

Any teenage girls ever say that to their mom? Come on. I don't know about you teenage boys. Boys are so much quieter most of the time. And, you know oh, don't get me started.

Never mind. I was gonna go into this big patriarchal thing. I'm like, you know, they're all so important. Never mind. I'm just you know, I'm going through a doctorate in psychology.

Try to just wipe that away. Anyways, so back to the deal. Are y'all caught up now? Because I just went on a little trip. Y'all I'm back now.

Okay. So the point is, you know so for the next, you know, next 2 years after that little white Zinfandel thing, which I don't know what I was thinking. I've never drank it out of a glass before. Like, I it's gonna be different this time. You know?

It's like getting into the ring with Muhammad Ali in his heyday and just getting your butt whooped, you know? And do they carry you off in a cart, you know you know, Monty Python. I'm not dead yet. You know? And the blood spurting all over the place.

Right? And then, like, a month later, you know, you're you tell your friends, I'm gonna get back in the ring with Muhammad Ali for one round. They're like, what? Don't you remember what happened? I'm like, no.

No. No. You guys don't understand. Did you see the new boxing shorts? And the boxing shorts.

Oh, they're silk. And they're like, Sam, it's it's the heavyweight champ of the world. I know. I know. But I'm working on foot moves and stuff.

I just wanna do one round. You know? Most of the time, people are like, I'm not gonna be participate in that. But there's always one one that's like, I'll be there for you, you know, if the shoe fits. So, anyway, the point is what am I trying to get at?

You know? The point is is that I suffer from, you know, this obsession of the mind with the allergy of the body. It's an allergy of the body that manifests itself in a phenomenon of craving. It's called a phenomenon because nobody understands it. So don't try to figure it out.