The New Attitudes speaker meeting of Narcotics Anoymous in Lompoc, CA

Welcome to NA. I'm there where you're at. That's right. My name is Deandre, and I'm an addict. And, finally made it here.

It's, me, me and several of my friends, we drove up from, the LA area. And it's a long drive out here. It's like one of the predecessors is buried out here or something, you know. Found in, really really long drive. He drove all the way through, through Santa Barbara and we drove and we were driving and we were driving and we got off the freeway and we kept driving, you know.

And it reminded me of how I get how I got loaded, you know. I would walk that shit, you know. I would just walk it. My friends would be like, yeah, you go walk all the way there and I'd be halfway up the block, you know. And that that's how I that's how I got loaded.

It's really, really an honor and a privilege to do anything in Narcotics Anonymous except except we especially to show up clean. I wanna welcome the new people. Newcomers are here. I I I could feel their presence, and, it's good that you're here tonight. I'm a pretty good speaker.

And, I'm trying to learn something tonight about, not getting loaded no goddamn more. You know? And, my clean date is, May 29, 1991. If you're too new to add that up, that's about 16 years. You may not learn nothing but something about resentments by the time I'm done.

You know, you know, it does to this program. What happened for me is I got loaded a lot in the Jordan Downs housing projects in Watts. That's where I'm from. I lived there for 14 years, and and it all started out with smoking a little weed with my cousin and them. And the next thing you know, I was on the business end of that base fight and, a lot of stuff in between that.

And, I really enjoy being loaded and getting high and, tripping off myself and anything I can get my hands on. If you would have told me that if I could rub, dinosaur, shit together and put it on my face and it would give me a head change, I would have been homeless at the La Brea Tar Pits, you know. So that's that's how that's how I do it. And, people come here and they're confused about whether they're an addict or not and they don't know if their mama gonna like it here for them and all of that. And that's not how I got clean.

Okay? When I when I crawled into this rehabilitation center that they call Warm Springs, I was a very, broken and hurt, used up, shell of a man. And empty and lonely and afraid and 24 years old and, didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. I was pretty much a dead man talk. You know?

And I had done that to myself. And this disease just ran rampant, in my life and and through my family's life. And my mother and my 4 sisters and my one brother. And and I really caused a lot of wreckage. I am not a tough guy.

Well, sometimes, I mean, I could talk shit about my mother behind her back and sleep on her couch. Really not all that hard. And and I remember just, feeling the emptiness of not understanding why I can't manage, how I'm gonna be, get, and stay loaded. And and why that was always a struggle for me. When I first started getting high and stuff, I just remember always wanting to get me and manage that.

That that loadedness and and get that right combination. And, and and and I chase that feeling and that energy, until I wound up here, you know, straight out. I'm not gonna lie. I mean, I even being here for a little while, I still wanted that. You know, I was I was plagued by the true, the the true description of being an addict and and being inflicted with this, this disease of addiction.

You know? And, and it was just a miserable, horrible thing because I didn't start out doing that. I I was born, a poor black child, but, as far as getting through life and being a smart guy and and and being declared gifted in the 6th grade, they told me I was special, and I could write in calligraphy. That's graffiti with a special pen. And I know a lot of new people here tonight.

And, and I remember being told all these things about myself and how I, you know, was brought up in my family. I was basically the star of my family. You know? And, and I went to school in the San Fernando Valley, which explains the proper diction, but I really am from Watts. And I just remember always being different and disconnected.

And when I made the connection with getting high and being loaded off something, it was really awesome for me. You know? It kept me really, really, somewhat attached to something other than this head. And I love being loaded. You know, and, what happened was, I got ran out of that neighborhood because I started, stealing stuff and people don't wanna get high enough.

They always wanna stop. They want to stop, you know, because they gotta go to work or they gotta go take care of their kids or they gotta respond to their parents' demands and and all of that. And and and and you know what? I don't understand that. So, I wanted to get loaded more than my friends and, and they didn't like that, you know, and they rejected me.

Kinda like a wolf rejects its cub, you know. And, and they turned me loose, man. And I and and my mother, she threw me out of the house at 17 years old, which is illegal, but she didn't care because I was a criminal anyway. You know? I mean, shit.

I didn't and then so she threw me out. And I remember just feeling so, you know, because it was like, man, I was the star of my family, and now I'm a licensed piece of shit. And most normal people would take that and go, wow. I better go see a therapist. And when she threw me out, I said, wow, man.

I'm gonna get loaded in a motherfucker. Yeah. Because I'm a real addict. I'm not faking it till I make it. I'm like a fake shit.

How you fake being loaded? You know, and, and I just remember being it was like a celebration that she has thrown me out of here. So there's no rules and I can go. And and so I caught the bus, the RTV bus down to downtown. And and I remember, being downtown on 5th of San Julian.

I remember getting off the back of that that bus. And I felt like that white lady in that movie, The Sound of Music, when she twirled around. You know? And and I and I and I and I and I felt the spirit of being able to get loaded whenever I want to forever. Are you with me?

You know? And I got off the back of that bus there and then it'd be, you know, and it was wonderful. Smoking cigarettes off the ground and calling my mother out of her name every day. Just a great way to live. And And, and I remember celebrating that and and wearing that as a badge of honor.

And in addition to that insanity, I used to have this little camouflage hat that I wore. It was kinda shaped like, Peter Pan's hat. And I collected all of these buttons, you know, buttons that had pictures of stuff on it and, you know, kiss my you know, just really vulgar stuff. And I would ride around on the bus, the city bus, and people would be looking at me. And I would be looking at them.

And I thought that was pretty sad that, you know, why would they judge me? I mean, I hadn't bathed in 2 weeks and I was wearing this hat that had these buttons on it. And people thought that that was a little bizarre. K. And I remember just being rejected by every group of people that I decided to hang out with once she threw me out of the house.

You know? And then I had the insanity of being broke and not having any money and and needing to use all means necessary to get loaded at that point. And I know a lot of people stop short at that data in their inventory, and they wind up loaded again. But I told this fool, y'all call them sponsors, I told him everything once I made it up in here. Because what happened for me is I was raped and treated like an animal by this disease.

You know? This disease is like playing around with Mike Tyson. He sounds funny. He looks weird. But you get your ass in the ring with him and see what happens.

And I remember just telling myself that this time, it's gonna be different. Every time I would get to a point where I realized that I was looking like shit and feeling like shit, I thought to myself that this time, I really am gonna change. And the next time you catch me stealing your shit, I really am gonna be different. You know? And, and I promise people that.

And and and I can never keep that promise. And I didn't understand why. Because I'm smart, and I was young, I had my whole life ahead of me. And I got potential. And potential is a fucking drug for an addict.

I needed principles that I didn't know that. You got potential. If you're a newcomer and somebody tells you that you got potential, kick them in their balls. Oh, yeah? I can share shit like that because my sponsor's not here tonight.

But I, you know, I just felt empty and afraid and alone. And and Skip Row and being on 5th and Saint Julian empowered me because it allowed me to feel as though that not only did I not have to change, but that I could continue to get loaded and be free. And I didn't understand the definition of freedom at all. And when I finally hooked up with this guy, he explained to me that, that's lawlessness, what I was doing. That's not freedom.

He used to tell me that freedom is doing what you have to do when it needs to be done. And you ain't been doing that. And I just looked at him and thought, you know, there's racism everywhere you go. I wasn't realistic about anything When I got clean and I hear people talking to new people in this sort of reasonable fashion. I got here an insane fool who wanted some weed.

You know, and what happened was I toughed it out. And I sit through these old weird ass meetings and listen to these bizarre ass people and something inside of me said, that fucker ain't loaded. I know when people are not loaded. I feel it. And I feel when people are high.

And that includes abusing, segments. I could feel when you high off of them or when you're using them the way you're supposed to. I know it. And it ain't got nothing to do with intellect. It's something spiritual that goes on inside of me when you're sitting right in front of me loaded as hell, you know, Frying.

Tripping. Talking about my cleaning date is this, this, and that. It's like, yeah, dude. Whatever. You know, I had to be honest with myself.

And, what happened was I went into that rehab and I just got connected and I went to the meetings. And I had some personal stuff that I really couldn't deal with in the other fellowship because I didn't feel comfortable exposing it. And I came to NA. And those people accepted me exactly the way I was, and they accepted exactly what I told them. And they didn't even really care.

You know, what they wanted me to do was to learn how to share with them the the magic of of being clean. Because any clean attic is a miracle, you know. And they didn't really care about that exterior and all these drug tails out with, you know, tales from the crypt, you know. And and tell them all this stuff. They didn't care about all that.

They weren't intrigued by all that. They weren't impressed by where I used and where I got my dope from and how many people were after me. They didn't care, you know. And I and I was impressed by that. You people impress the hell out of me, you know.

And I remember when I was in high school and I had gone to the prom with this young woman who, she had a twin sister. And me and another dude got to take them to the prom because I didn't finish high school. In the following year, I went to the prom with this girl. She invited me. That's when Jerry curls were out And I remember having a Jerry curl.

My sister, my oldest sister, she does Jerry curls in the apartment in the in the project apartment we lived in. And I had the best Jerry curl in all the projects. I loved having a jerry curl. Because it was shiny and it was like, you know, it was like looking at a picture of Christ or something. Because you had that that glare coming off your head.

You know, and I was spiritual and I did weed and I and I smoked weed and I did that. And I remember that year going to the prom and we were at the prom. It was downtown and we were at, I can't remember the name of the hotel, but we were there. We were eating. And my sister just showed up behind me.

She was standing behind me because we had gotten dressed. It was a big thing, you know, all the limousine. The only time you see that many limousines in the projects is when it's a funeral, you know, or it's prom night. And I and I remember every it was a big scene, and we all went down there. It felt like being, you know, you know, Hollywood or something.

And, my sister, I turned around and she's standing behind me. And she was crying. And I knew something was fucked up because my sister wouldn't have came down there. And I remember her looking at me crying. And I got up from the table and we walked over.

And she told me that the girl's baby who I took to the prom, the baby died in the plastic from the dress on the bed. She left her there, you know. And that's what I just said. Forget it. You know?

You can take your little certificates and your money and your automobiles and all of your hopes, and your Christianity, and all of your stuff. You could take it and ram it. You know? And it fast tracked me into, the isolation that I I spoke of earlier. That traumatic situation, crumbled me emotionally.

So when I see new people in here, and I hear folk telling them how they gotta get it all together in order for it to be together, I laugh. We're talking about a miracle here for this guy to be clean. This method here is just to teach me how to accept it. But to experience it and to be alive while it's going on is an honor and a privilege. So bringing it back around to Skid Row, I mean, I wanted to be down there.

And what happened was I got beat up by 2 of my friends. You know how we have these friends? Because you have a new coming. They'll tell you, I wanna change, but I just can't get let go of my friends. And I tell them, just keep getting loaded.

They'll let go of you. Just keep using it. At least that's my experience. And I remember just, just just just just just moping around downtown selling me and my brother's clothing and anything I could get my hands on to get loaded. And I remember, getting that ass kicking by those friends of mine.

And I remember running and and being saved at Big General Hospital. They they patched me up and sent me back out into the community. And I wound up going over to my aunt's house and she told me, you're no longer welcomed in here. However, we will let you sleep in the garage on the floor. And I went ahead and took her up on that offer because I'm always looking for a deal.

And, and I remember having her explain to me why I was no longer allowed in her house. And it hurt me even more. So I'm just basically, what I'm doing as an an untreated addict is I'm walking around collecting enough pain to do 1 or 2 things. Either continue to get loaded or come in here and let you men and women help me. That's what I'm doing as an untreated addict.

And I'll come in here and tell you that I'm doing all this other stuff, man. I'm getting ready to go to school. I'm gonna get a job. Start working. I'm gonna do everything to get clean and get involved with these steps and have another human being love me through my insanity.

I'm not gonna do that. You know, I'm gonna try to figure out a way to look good and feel better. And I'm just here to share that looking good and feeling better is not a cure for this sickness. Just talk to some of our brothers and sisters who've been here for a while and have gone back out with the looking good disease. You know?

I got a lot of friends who've done that. I've been clean a while. And they get so many years in here that they forget about the days they were in when they got here. And they go back out, man. It's very sad.

And we love them and we welcome them back here. We need them here. We need to learn from them. What happened though is I wound up in that rehab. This guy named Ronnie Macias got me into Warm Springs, and, I started going to the meetings.

And at first, I was confused a little bit, but I really understood that I didn't have anything, worth leaving that rehab for. And that's what I really needed in order to stay clean. I didn't have, like, a family waiting on me or any children or a bomb ass job or any of that. You know, I was sort of stuck at Warm Springs. And I and I welcome the molasses.

I needed it, man. I needed to be stuck up there. And those people basically just brainwashed me. And they made me believe that not only was I an addict, but that there was no cure for what I was dealing with. And my stuff was fatal, progressive, and very, very, very, hard to just shake.

You can't just outgrow it, you know. So what I had to do was I had to comply with those people And I had to listen to them. And and they told me what to do. And I didn't like being told what to do. Because don't you know, I just came from the streets.

Only person you have to really listen to on the streets is the police. And that's kind of questionable considering on whether or not how loaded you are. And then these fools wanna come and try to tell me all this stuff about being in recovery. I wasn't really interested. But what happened was I started seeing some of my friends leave, and I stayed up at Warm Springs for 11 and a half months.

It's a 90 day program. But they offered a special kind of, situation for me. And, and I would see guys leave and come back. And they had left and went and got loaded and they came back. And I would be looking at them because when they first came in there, it's like, yeah.

We're gonna stay clean forever, you know. And then they leave and then 30 days would come by and then they come back raising their hand as a newcomer. And I and that really tripped me out, man. Because my mind was telling me I mean, I guess different was better for me. A lot of times different isn't better for some people.

But different was better for me and I don't understand that people even left the program until I had about 90 days. Oh, because my mind would be, like, why would you leave here with all this free food and shit. And I mean, the guys you know, I don't know about that. I'm not talking about the steps. I come here in the beginning for relaxation, for relief.

They're coming for a god darn recovery. Where do I need to recover from? I've never had surgery or anything. Recover from what? Recover from the white man keeping a brother down?

Is that what you're talking about? But other than that, give me one of your cigarettes. You know? So I'm like selectively racist. You know?

I only get comfortable moments for me to be racist, you know. But when you got some cigarettes and some dope and stuff, I get along everybody, you know. I mean, it's the phony, fake, fraudulent attempt at feeding the sickness until I hook up with somebody else and get them all tripped out on it too. So we have more resources. And it's just a scummy way to go if you know the truth, bro.

And that's what I wanna point out to the new people. We are ruining your using forever. And he had me thinking that maybe I am not of this earth. You know? I mean, he was crazy.

But my sponsor just saved me, man. He saved me from myself. And he got me involved in the steps, you know? And we used to have, like, a rivalry going against the Liquid Fellowship. And we used to talk a lot of crap about those people over there.

And he would make me read something in in our basic text. And I wanna share it with you tonight. In NA, we follow a program adopted from Alcoholics Anonymous. More than 1,000,000 people have recovered in AA, most of them just as hopelessly addicted to alcohol as we were to drugs. We are grateful to the AA fellowship for showing us the way to a new life.

The 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous, as adopted from AA, are the basis of our recovery program. We have only broadened their perspective. We follow the same path with the single exception. Our identification as addicts is all inclusive with respect to any mood changing, mind altering substance. Alcoholism is too limited a term for us.

Our problem is not a specific substance. It is a disease called addiction. We believe that as a fellowship, we have been guided by a greater consciousness and are grateful for the direction that has enabled us to build upon a proven program of recovery. So we're not here to generate hate and fear toward anybody. You know, Narcotics Anonymous doesn't need to run on that kind of energy.

And as a as an addict, you know, I I respect those guys and what they do. But in here, I need to be cooperating with you. And we don't practice principles of of, separatism and and hatred and and stuff like that. If you come here with that stuff the way I did, the steps can help you get rid of that stuff, man. And you'll be free to go wherever you need to go, man.

Even if it's long park or what how do you say it? Long park. Long park. Okay. Right.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. Right. Long park.

Whatever. Yeah. Jail. I don't care. You know, my life was horrible before I got clean.

I, didn't know I was all that dirty. And when these people just started telling me things that made me think about my own behavior because usually it's your fault. And, right now, to to kind of speed ahead here, I work, in the field of, I work with autistic children. I'm an ABA therapist. And one of the things that my supervisor pointed out to me several years ago when I first started working is that, whenever we, work with 1 of the children, if there is a behavior that occurs, that we have to look at ourselves as tutors because the child is who that child is.

And that child has deficits. And we have been hired to come in and do the work. So if a child is acting, somewhat inappropriate or whatever and is in the middle of one of their behaviors, we as a tutor have to look at ourselves to see what we did to trigger that behavior. And I can't stand doing that. I hate that.

You know, so what do you mean? It's just a kid. You know? And being, you know, learning a little bit more about the the stuff. I started realizing that I can do that in my everyday life, you know.

When I'm when I'm in conflict with someone or I'm being resentful and I feel that someone is doing something toward me, I'm allowed to to to see why am I not the victim here. What what what part do I play in in in in in what's happening? And, you know, I could never do that out on those streets, man. It was always your fault. You know, this disease of self will, blame others and cover it up, plagued me, man.

And that's how I rolled. Don't be looking at me. Look at you, you know. And, what I've learned from having that job and stuff is that, I am the thumb in the asshole of progress for me. I'm the problem.

And I say that because it's really easy for my mind to tell me that it's you. You're the one. You know? And it's just part of my sickness, and it's part of my dishonesty. And I lie to myself by blaming you.

And I just wanted to make enough people uncomfortable at night to take the steps. I speak a lot. And that's what I like to do. I like to stir people up enough to take the steps, you know. I mean, the fool made me do it.

You know, but but, you know, getting and, you know, some people say, well, don't tell people about the steps so soon. Let them get comfortable first. It takes a lot of cocaine to get me comfortable. We've been here all night waiting for me to be comfortable enough to rely on God, man. I go into it with blind faith because real quick, it's like, you know, I know how to practice faith when the check is on its way.

And people are shaking my head and say, hey. Come on down and speak and stuff. But when I'm alone and I'm afraid and it doesn't seem like my prayers are being answered, it's really hard for me to apply faith. You know? And what I've learned through my experience here in this program is just to hang in there.

I mean, I know that sounds kind of, you know, weak. But, you know, if you're new, you gotta learn how to hang in there too, man. It's not always gonna be orgasms and ice grapes. There's gonna be some fear and some anguish and some just you know, if you're new, get used to being uncomfortable. Get used to that.

Because I hear a lot of people trying to, like, push that out of the room and push that out of our our experiences as being addicts in NA, man. And it's like, there's a lot of discomfort that we all have to walk through. You're not alone. I wanted to read something else, and then I'll start kind of, winding down. We I go to a step study with my buddy over here in North Hollywood on Tuesday nights.

And we read the state read the steps so much of it. You know, it is always reading the steps. And they read the steps and they read the steps. And then on the 4th week of the month, they reread the other step that they already read. Just I don't even know what they're doing.

But every time I walk in there, they're reading the steps. And it's just like, why do they read the steps? I wanna hear, the stories. Like once upon a time in the forest right outside of Compton. The moon, the moon, the moon, you know, I wanna I wanna I wanna I wanna I wanna play games to to to to kind of move back and forth away from God and not be a changed man.

Helping other men and women through the steps. And I wanna play games, man. Please tell me your drugalog. I'm dying to hear it because then I could tell you mine and we could walk hand in hand as we go get loaded again. I wanted to read something, from the steps.

This is, from step 5. Step 5, if you're a newcomer, is a step that you dare not take. Do not if you're new in this program and somebody asked you to take a 5th step, you know what you should do. For years, we avoided seeing ourselves as we really were. We were ashamed of ourselves and felt isolated from the rest of the world.

Now that we have the shameful part of our past trap, we can sweep it out of our lives if we face and admit it. It would be tragic to write it all down and then shove it in a drawer. Those defects grow in the dark and die in the light of exposure. And what that means in English, if if you knew, as I know you got secrets too, man. I know you got them.

Yeah. I can look at you. I saw some of y'all answers out there. I know you. That's the secrets.

Secrets. Like that thing they had in the I don't wanna break the 10th tradition, but they would they got that book. They had that book as the seek you know, the secret. And like my man shared earlier, you know what? I've been addict.

Ain't got them secrets. I'm an addict, man. I steal from my mother and I smoke cigarettes off the ground. And I sell my brother's hard earned money. The clothes he bought with his hard earned money.

I sell that. And I go get loaded, You know? And I had to just get through those first three steps to really do an honest inventory on what was going on in this addict's life. And what was happening with me and why I was so connected to that insanity. Okay?

And when I was afraid to tell him this stuff, what I started realizing is I was just afraid of myself. Because I saw my friends getting loaded again And he would point out very specific things to me and ask me questions about those friendships that I had with brothers and sisters in this program that weren't moving forward in the steps. And it's like one of the parts of Just for the Day says, something about being associated with people that are really doing this stuff, man. Not excommunicating those that want to play games and stuff. But providing an attractive example to those individuals so they'll get off their ass and work their steps.

Working a room is real easy. All you gotta do is bring a shitload of sugar in here. You bring a box of donuts to an innate meeting and everybody loves you. Hey. And talk about the 4th and 5th step for 3 to 5 minutes and see how they treat You know how to say?

Sometimes we get our priorities and stuff, big stuff. I'm not here to drink a whole lot of coffee. I mean, it's neat that you have it here. I'm not here to win a popularity contest. I lost that when I left Watts.

I'm here because of the grace of god and the fact that if I take these steps continuously, then I'm gonna be a changed man and I'm gonna be able to help other people for real, not for fake. And according to the traditions that we have here for NA, we really do have a purpose, man. And if it was just to get loaded off sugar and rub donuts together, we could all have meetings at the local coffee house, you know. I think there's something more here for us. When I walked into this meeting tonight, I felt like a spirit here.

You know? And it's like, you know, that's what I needed. This is not the spirit and the energy that I felt walking into that dope house. Something going on here that really has a lot to do with me living a little longer. So if you wanna die sooner than you probably should, just don't do none of this shit.

Don't do none of it, man. Don't say those prayers. Don't help anybody. Don't be courteous. Don't help keep this hall clean.

Don't put no money in the basket. You know, just keep on being who you are. Let's see what happens for you. Can't nobody tell you what to do around here. They didn't hold a gun to my head when I got here.

They did remind me of some things that was going on in my head when I got here. And what I realized too upon leaving that rehab and going out back out into the community is that I really had a problem with reality. I've always had a problem with reality. I don't know. Ever since I was a little kid, everybody would say real things about real stuff.

And I would go, oh, yeah. Really? You know, I never really that's why I like cartoons too. I was addicted. Because when you watch a cartoon, I don't I don't wanna get too many people excited or anything.

I don't wanna start Cartoon Anonymous. I'm just saying. I know we had that CA. Right? Okay.

Yeah. But when you when you when you when you watch when I watch cartoons, something happens and all of a sudden, everything can be bullshit. And it'll be okay, you know? And at 40 years old, every once in a while, I turn on a cartoon. My favorite cartoon, right now is Jimmy Neutron.

Because he's always tweaking and tripping and doing these things. You know, he always, you know, Jimmy is always working on something. You know, and that's why I like speed too. Because when I use speed, man, it felt like I was getting nothing done really fast. And I don't care what it was, but I was not getting it done and that was happening fast, you know.

And, and and so I think part of my insanity of of of lying about my disease and my addiction is that I wanna live in a dream world where there are no facts, just feelings. And we all walk up to each other like mister Spock on Star Trek, and feel each other. You know, just, I feel what you feel. Are you gonna go to work? No.

I don't feel like it. I'm not feeling work today. I feel like laying on my ass today. And part of the and part of the insanity of of being trapped in this dream world is that when you, like, exposed me to reality, I get mad. You know, and I start looking at you.

Like, what the hell are you looking at? You know? I'm living in a dream world. I'm ignoring reality. I'm not doing anything responsible and you're tripping on me.

And living like that is really dangerous for this addict and living like that is is is is is costly to my life, man. I cannot live like that. And his job over these years has been to expose me to the fact that I am addicted to chaos. I am addicted to the adrenaline. And and I'm getting ready to I got a little bit more time yet.

I'm gonna talk a little bit about energy drinks and I'm gonna wrap it up. Because I don't wanna break the traditions. I don't want nobody to break my fucking nose when I leave here. And and and I wanna and I just wanna throw something out there because few years I've been clean for a while. Few years ago, it was these little things with roots in them and and people were drinking those.

They're coming to the beatings, you know. Yeah. We were coming. And then and then they had then a few years after that, they threw something else at everything but this. You know?

And now these energy drinks are scaring me not because of you, but because of me, and they look like a beer to me. They scare the hell out of me. And then I asked couple of the guys that I work with, you know, I sponsor, why do you drink them? And they go, because I want to. And I said, well, I want some fried chicken right now.

I like I particularly care for fried chicken. I like it a lot. I cook it myself. I know where to get good fried chicken when I'm not cooking it. I, you know, I like fried chicken.

But I don't walk around with a piece of fried chicken in there. So that kind of bothers me a little bit. The rationale that the reason why I'm I'm doing it is because I can or I want to. Because I'm free. And then you have a newcomer come up to you and you're standing there and the guy has a couple of years clean.

And the newcomer walks up and he's like, man, I'm really you know, I've been using it. I'm crazy. I don't know what to do. I was on speed. I don't know what and then we we go, well, hold on a second.

And then we pull out and then we got, you know they got one now. They call it cocaine. We just whip it out. You know? You give it to that new guy and help them with their early recovery in the name of NA.

Yeah. Right. Whatever. I don't like it. And I just wanted to put that out there.

You guys talk called me up here. I don't like it. I I think it's I think it's I think it's an oxymoron. And and what becomes who becomes the moron? The addict one more time.

Playing games with the addict instead of giving them the truth about what's gonna change us, man, and what's gonna keep us clean, and how we can be really here ready for new people. My nephew is on his way here, and I do not want anybody handing him an energy drink and a flyer to a dance telling him that that's the way we do it. I want somebody to get in his face with the reality of god and these principles and these steps and the energy that I felt when I walked in this meeting tonight. That's what I want him to get, man. Because he ain't getting that right now.

And my sister is tripping and we're devastated, And they don't wanna call me because they know what I'm gonna tell them. 1 of the cousins gossiped and told me, you know, one of my other nieces. She told me he's really easy. He's far gone. And I just hope that you guys do for him what you did for me.

I hope you accept him the way he is with what you got here for me. And that's some old fabricated as, synthetic bullshit. You know? I come to these meetings because I can't speak like this at my work. This is a place no.

I don't walk in. I can't talk because, you know, because the kids and then the parent I work in the home and at schools. And I can't be in there talking about this shit, man. Then when I come to a meeting, I really need the me I need to be a part of the meeting. This is not a joke for me because I don't remember going to those crack houses going, you know what?

I'm just gonna listen to them. Call that humility. Yeah. I'm humble. I'm listening to the crack, go up into the sea.

I just don't buy it. You know, there's a willingness that that there's a willingness that happened for me that I can't explain. You people just keep giving it out and giving it out and giving it out. So you want a dollar or 2 in the basket to keep the lights on. So what?

You know? So you wanna keep the place clean so people will wanna be attracted to it. What's what's this is like kissing a baby's ass. Okay? If you really come from a place where this stuff takes us, you know, helping out around here is the easy part.

You know, running away from here and being dishonest about what we really have here, that's the hard part. Because they call me, man. When they go back out, they call me. And you know me, I'll call, you know, I'll be calling I'll call them sometime. So how's it going, buddy?

How you doing out there? I call them when I'm feeling really screwed up too. Like, all days when I feel like getting loaded, I call some of the people who can't make it here. You know? And I know that sounds kind of perverted.

I don't care. I'm 16 years clean. Maybe I ought to try it. And I called some of these brothers and I don't make fun of them and I asked them straight out. How's it going?

How are you doing out there? Tell me what's happening in your life. You know what I'm doing. You know? And they tell me really sad things, and they tell me things that are dishonest, and they always end it well.

You it's 2 things. I'm going back to school. I'm gonna get a job. That's what society is taught of that. Anyway, I'm grateful to be clean and I'm gonna I'm you know, part of the thing that tripped me out about going into the community and being connected to this group and doing the things that I try to do to stay focused on my recovery is just let people do whatever they need to do until it affects me.

Are you NA as a group as a whole. When when when things start, I speak up, man. I I I I can't just sit there and go, I'm being humble. So go ahead and unplug my respirator and stick it up your you know, I don't I don't I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna speak up, man.

This stuff is awesome. This stuff is real. And if you think that this is just something for you to help you with, people are saying that they're coming here to get a better life. I suggest you come here and get a whole new one. A better way of what I was doing is gonna get me loaded one more time.