The El Toro Friday Night speakers meeting in Lake Forest, CA

Maybe that's not far from the truth. My name is Jim Shields, and I am an alcoholic. And and I'm grateful to be here tonight. I actually live in Laguna Hills, but Irvine's close. I I work in Irvine.

It seems like I live there sometimes. Well, like, actually, when I actually do work. But, it's good to be here tonight. I, want to, thank Valerie for, asking me to come and speak and share my, experience, strength, and hope, and maybe I will. And I'm old because I can't and I can't remember everything.

I can't see either, so I don't know why the hell I oh my god. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. That's what happens, you know, when you you know, I I never expected to live past 30.

It was just not in my plan. You know? I I I had to take a better care of myself if I was gonna live this long. It was like, shit. You know?

I didn't know. I didn't know. Nobody told me. You know? I figured, you know, I'm dead long before I'm 30.

So, you know, why why do I, have to be here? And, you know, it's it's it's amazing to see how many people came out to hear Nayeli speak because because everybody likes her. You know. I'm I'm not that popular. But, it's it's good to be here tonight.

She did she did a great job. And, you know, she she she is a shining example of the program. You know, people come in and and will actually do some work and their life changes, And that's the amazing thing about Alcoholics Anonymous. The other four things that qualify me to stay up, to be up here to speak tonight. And, the first one is I have a sobriety date.

And my sobriety date is January 31, 1986, and that was not that I'm counting, but that was 8,120 days ago. And you know what? I worked for every last one of them. You know? I, I I remember a few years ago, I was taking a cake at a at a meeting I go to called the Soup Kitchen, and they actually put a candle on for each year.

And each person takes the cake separately. And and I had, like, 18 years, and they were trying to pawn me off with 16 candles. I said, no. No. No.

No. Those those 2 years almost killed me. Yeah. I I I earned those. I earned those.

The other thing I have is a home group, and and, I I have 2 home groups, actually. I have the, do it sober meeting, which meets 7:30 every day, over on Moulton Avenue, 7:30 every morning. And I'm there almost every morning, unless I unless I'm not. But you but usually, I'm there. And, you know, I I go there not necessarily because I need a meeting.

I go there because I wanna be available. And, that's what my sponsor tells me. That's why he goes to so many meetings, and he's somebody that needs to go to a lot of meetings. And and then I and I have another another home group, a new home group, and it's a book study on Thursday nights in Aliso Viejo. And, you know, we sit down and and we actually study the book word for word, line for line.

And, because that's that's what Alcoholics Anonymous is all about. It's all about the book, and it's all about doing the steps. And it's all about doing them. It's not about thinking about the steps, analyzing the steps, talking about the steps, thinking about the steps. It's actually doing them.

Actually, sitting down with a pen and paper and do an inventory and actually sitting down, you know, with with a sponsor and doing a 5th step and and, you know, all that stuff. And the the other thing I have is I have a sponsor. My sponsor is Jim Stevens. He's, going senile and he needs to go to a lot of meetings. And I'm you know, I wasn't important enough for him to be here tonight.

But but he sent he sent Courtney in in his place. You know, he has he has his own representative here tonight. So, you know, I I guess that's okay. And, you know, the other thing, my sponsor has a sponsor, and my sponsor sponsor is Ralph. With the if you were around here, you know Ralph.

Ralph is I know Ralph. Ralph is a constant in the world around here. And, and and Ralph has a sponsor, and his sponsor's Alice. And so so so I know where the chain goes up. And then and then, you know, I'm lucky enough to have, you know, a few people that I sponsor.

And, you know, believe me, if you're not sponsoring some people, you're you're really missing out. I I learned more from the people I sponsor than I could ever learn from the from my sponsor. Not because he's senile, because I just learned a lot from him. But, they could okay. Nobody's allowed to wrap me out on that.

You know what? What he said here stays here, blah blah blah. You know? So, you know, don't don't rap don't rap me out. You know, I tell him he's senile all the time.

You know, he was not long ago, he Mary and I were sitting in a meeting and somebody shared about something. And we saw Jim raise his hand and Mary looks at me and he says, oh, he's gonna tell the story about blah blah blah. And it's like, well, of course, he is. And he starts talking and then, you know, he tells because that story, what is that number 42? I think that is that what he tells the same you know, and people try to stop him and, like, don't don't stop him.

You know? Because I I always like to listen to see if he actually changes the stories. He usually doesn't, unless he does. But, you know, and the and the other thing I have is is that I worked all 12 steps. You know, I worked all 12 steps.

You know, recovery is all about the steps we take. It's not about the meetings we make. You know, you don't get sober by going to meetings. You know. And if you believe that lie, then you're on a wolf ticket because it's not true.

You know, you will you will you can go to meetings, and they'll keep you sober for a while, and they'll keep you abstinent. They will not help you to recover from alcoholism. And, you know, because I worked those 12 steps, you know, I I I've had a spiritual experience, and the obsession to use and use and drink has has been relieved for me. And, you know, that's that's a miracle. You know?

I never thought I could stop. I never thought I could it never occurred to me too much to really stop. I didn't realize that alcohol and drugs were my problem, you know, because it was everything else, you know. Alcohol and drugs were my friend, And, you know, I you can't talk bad about my friend, because it saved me. You know, I believe alcohol and drugs were good for me.

They they really were. When I was a teenager, had I not had alcohol and drugs, I would have gone crazy. I'd have killed somebody, or I'd have killed myself. And, you know, so so they absolutely saved my life, and they worked really well for me right up until the time that they didn't. And, you know, because because I worked all 12 steps and, because we had that spiritual experience and the obsession has been relieved, you know, I I am recovered.

I am a recovered alcoholic. I'm not recovering. I'm not trying to recover. I am a recovered alcoholic. And I say that because that's not what you hear in meetings, but that is what you will see in the book if you actually read the book.

There's a I'm a share something. Now this is another thing. You can't tell anybody else because it's a big secret. Mhmm. There's this yellow and blue book sitting back there on the shelf.

It is the best kept secret in Alcoholics Anonymous. There's so very few people that know anything about it. But, you know, it it it actually it it's actually the reason, we're here. And, you know, in the in the forward to the first edition, it says, we have Alcoholics Anonymous are more than a 100 men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book, and that's what it's all about.

You know, it's not all about, you know, the social things are great, you know, and those are those are things that help make sobriety fun. But it's all about how did I recover from this? How did I get better? You know, because I, I never I, you know, I never planned on getting sober. I never planned on living past 30.

So, you know, I'm surprised to be here. You know, I want I wanna welcome all of, the newcomers. You know? If you got here, you know, like the rest of us got here and you did a bunch of stupid, crazy, wild things, then, you you know, you're one of 2 things. You're either really stupid or you're an alcoholic.

Now if you're really stupid, I got nothing for you. You know, you are you're on your you are on your own. I got nothing. I got nothing for you. You know, you can't you know, Fred and I have talked about it a lot.

You cannot cure stupid. We have tried. We have tried. We just you can't you cannot cure stupid. But if you if you're an alcoholic, we we got some good news for you.

You know, we we actually have we actually have a way that you can get out of being who you are now. Because, you know, when when I mean, I didn't I didn't show up for I I didn't I didn't, like, you know, wake up one morning and say, you know, my life is going pretty good. I got money in the bank. I got money in my pocket. You know, people love me, and, I've got no grief going on.

You know, I think I'm gonna go down and check out a and a and see and see what's happening with those guys. And, you know, let me let me teach them how they can live a better life. You know? I I mean, I got here because I was just done. I was I was at the end of my rope.

And and I I don't I don't talk I don't talk a lot about, you know, my drinking and using. I don't know how anybody else got here tonight. I got here because I drank and I used a lot. And I did it as much as I could, as often as I could, and and then I did it some more. And, that's that was my story.

And and, you know, fortune fortunately, somehow I got somehow I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. I'll tell you about that. And, you know, it's it's it's an amazing thing. You know, I I I really believe there's this there's this old Buddhist saying that says, you know, when the student is ready, the teacher appears. And I really and and that's come true for me so many times in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I I remember about being about 10 or 12 years sober, and, I was flying back from the East Coast. And I had to fly through Dallas, which is hell, Dallas is an awful place to fly through, you know. I'm sorry for my friend from my friend my friends from Dallas, But, it's it's an awful place. And it and it was winter time. And, you you know, I had booked it I had booked it just right.

You know, you you fly in, you land, you get off the plane, and you got just enough time, like, to go to the bathroom, get a cup of coffee, stretch your legs, and then you get, like, go to the gate next to where you got off and and you get on to the next airplane. But, apparently, there was a rumor that somebody saw a snowflake, which shuts down Dallas, apparently. Apparently, they're not able to do anything if there's a snowflake in Dallas. And and so they shut down the air the airport. And, you know, like, it's, like, 3 or 4 hours later, and there's, like, no end in sight.

And I'm there at the airport, and, you know, I'm pissed. I'm pissed. It's it's awful. I'm I'm I'm sitting there. There's, you know, the the airline sucks.

The the the weather people suck, the the airport sucks, the travel agents, everybody's suck. And and all the people in the airport besides me suck. And, you know, it's it's it's awful. It's awful. And I'm not accepting any of these things that that are going on because because, you know, I'm I'm a big shot.

I'm an important guy. I got people to see, places to go, things to do, which which I'm sure was nothing. But, you know, in my mind, because, you know, because it's in my head, you know, I had things to do, and and I was important. And and I'm sitting there, and I'm kinda sitting on the aisle of the gate, and, you you know, I got my I got my elbows on my knees, and I'm staring down at the ground. And I got and and I'm burning a hole in I'm burning a hole in the floor.

I'm pissed. I'm just pissed. What is wrong with these people? Why aren't we getting on the airplane and leaving? You know, maybe it's not such a good idea if the professionals think that you shouldn't be flying and not to be flying, but, you know, that's not what I'm thinking.

And I'm sitting there, and and the longer I'm sitting there, the more angry I am. And finally, you know, I, I'm staring at the floor, and all of a sudden, there are a pair of shoes between my shoes. And I look up like this, and there's a belt buckle right here. And I'm, like, I'm, like, getting ready to swing. I because I wanna I don't don't like anybody in my personal space, and it's crowded.

I don't like crowds. And all of a sudden, this person is standing there, and I am not in acceptance of anything in the world at that moment. And I look up, and it was, doctor Paul. And, he looked down at me and he said he had this funny, like, nasal twang for those of you who knew him. And he said, young man, it looks like you could use some ice cream.

And I'm like, okay, God. I guess I'm in acceptance now. You know? The man who wrote the chapter chapter in the book that says acceptance is the key to all of my problems today is here to give me a lesson. So I guess I'm a student that's ready to learn.

And, you know, we we went and sat down and had some ice cream and talked about acceptance for a while, and I'll I'll said it was okay. The weather was okay, and the delay was okay. And, you know, time and time again, when when I needed God to bring somebody into my life to teach me a lesson, you know, that person has always been there. And, you know, one of the one of the great things about being around for a long time is I got to know some of those guys that had been around for a long time. And if you're new, you know, that's such a loss for you that you didn't get to know doctor Paul, and and you didn't you you didn't get to know Eddie See, and you didn't get to know some of those other old timers that were around, like Bill Marcus and and, Ted Hartback, and and some of those guys that that were here for a while that that paved the way for us to be here today.

You know? And and, that's the great thing about being able to be sober for a long time. And, really owe a debt of gratitude to, those people. But but if you are new, you know, it's it's good that you're here. And, you know, I'll tell you that there will be no shortage of people squirrelly up your ass to tell you what to do.

And, that because that's that's what they do here, you know. They'll they'll be telling you sponsor meetings, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, until you're sick of it. And and I gotta tell you, if you're new tonight, there's there's one thing that you should probably do. And that's pick up the book, and there's some really good information in there, and figure out whether or not you're an alcoholic. Maybe you just had bad luck.

Maybe, may maybe, you know, you got in the car and you just had that one cocktail at the party too many. And and, you know, and and, you know, you only drink on New Year's Eve, or or whatever it is. But, you know, for the rest of us, we're probably here because we need to be. And, you know, if you're new, just check it out for a while. And, we have some really good information that that will help you enter, help you make up your mind before you actually, like, you know, get a sponsor and work some steps and things like that.

But, anyway, I I like I said, I don't like to talk too much about drinking and using, because frankly, I've heard every war story, drunk a log, that I if I never hear another one the rest of my life, it will be too soon. You know, I don't care how much you drank. I don't care, you know, if you were the king of cocaine. I don't care. I don't care.

I don't care. I just don't care. You know, I I have encyclopedic knowledge in my head about how to get loaded, and I don't need any more information. I don't I do not need any more information about how to get drunk and how to get stoned and and how to sell, manufacture, or anything else, because, you know, I I, already been there, done that. So, you know, and and, you know, if you're sitting in a lot of meetings and people are talking a lot about their drunk a lot, you know, stop them.

You know, if you've been sober for a little bit, you know, you have the responsibility to do that. You know, going to meetings isn't about sharing your drunkalog. The only time you need to share your drunkalogs is when you're on a 12 step call. You know, you should be going to meetings to share your experience, strength, and hope. And the newcomers in the meeting need to know how to stay sober.

They don't know they don't need to know how to drink. They don't know how to stay sober. They need to know what how how how to work a step. They need to know they need to know that you know how to do it. They need to know that somebody else has been down that road before them.

And, you know, if if that's not what's happening in the meetings you're going to, you know, you're responsible you're responsible to help change that. And, you know, I'm I'm I'm one of those radicals that think that, you know, treatment centers and some other things have really diluted the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you know, you will hear you will hear a lot of lies in Alcoholics Anonymous in the meetings. And, you know, probably, I guarantee every one of you within the last 7 days has heard, something like, don't drink, go to meetings, and it'll all be okay. And I'm telling you, that's a fucking lie.

And if you read the book, it'll tell you it's a lie. That's not what they talk about in the book. That's crap out of some treatment center from some psychologist who's making a train load of money out of some suffering alcoholic. And, you know, if I if if I could not drink, I would not be here on a Friday night. You know?

I I mean, when I got sober in 1986, you know, Nancy Reagan was the first lady, and and, you know, and her big thing was just say no. And it's like, I never said no one time in my life. It's that's like a such a foreign concept to me. I just don't understand. It was like, just say no?

What? What? I I don't get it. And, you know, and, you know, you don't you don't get sober by going to meetings. I mean, you just don't.

You have some good information there, but you don't get sober by going to meetings. You get sober by working the steps. You get sober by getting a sponsor, and you get sober by doing the steps. Not by thinking about them, talking about them, worrying about them, procrastinating about them. You get sober by actually doing the steps.

And, I'm sorry. I already said that, like, what, 4 times? And I'm calling due for about 6 more times in the next 15 minutes. So, you know, the because because, you know, the but, you know, really, I mean, you know, what what you'll hear is that, you know, the steps up here on the wall, they're they're just a suggestion. And that's what you'll hear.

And you know, that's true. They're just a suggestion, but they are the only suggestion we have. They are the only thing that we have to suggest to you is to work the steps. That's how you will recover from alcoholism. And, that's it.

But but I'm only gonna talk about two times that I drank. And I'm gonna talk about the first time I drank when I crossed that invisible line that they talk about. And I'm gonna talk about the last time that I drank. The first time I drank, I was I was about 13 years old, and and, I'm the youngest of 6 kids. My my brother, who's 4 years older than me, was home, and I was home.

Everybody else was gone. And my parents were gonna go on this short little business slash vacation trip, and leave us home alone. And, nobody ever accused them of having good judgment. They had 6 of us, you know. But, you know, and and I remember, you know, they they left, and I think the party started about 5 seconds after they got to the stoplight at the end of the street.

You know? And, we had this little 3 bedroom house, and there must have been 300 people in there. And, I mean, it was it was packed. And and my brother was a was a senior in high school, and he wrestled. He went £132.

And, but he could bench press 350. And he was I mean, he was he was a stud. He still is a stud today. And, he met everybody on the way in and said, if you break anything, I will break you. And, amazingly, there were that many drunk high school kids, and nobody got nobody got no nothing got broken.

And, my mother actually didn't find out about this until shortly before she died, actually. We were talking about it. Like, my brother and I were talking about it, and it was it was like, oh, yeah. Remember that week that they left? And oh my god.

And it's like, well, yeah. That's when I kinda crossed that invisible line. And my mom's like, woah. What are you guys talking about? And, you know, I I mean, they were gone for a week, and I was drunk for a week.

I was I was drunk the entire week. I was not able to make it to school, you know, and that's just the that's just the way it was. But but I remember that that Friday night, you you know, everybody that came to the party, they had to bring 2 of whatever they were bringing. And, you know, one one was for the host of the party and one was for them. And and and so I snagged a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill and and a and a couple and a couple of Schlitz Malt liquors.

And, yeah. Who who was later? Yeah. That's right. And and my brother's best friend, Matt Stone, who I know I'm gonna meet in the meeting one of these days.

But he was he was selling joints for 50¢ apiece. And so I got out my I got out my crisp $1 bill, and I was ready to go. And and, we, my best friend, Wayne Patterson and I, who I always it's I always look around to see, was Wayne here tonight? You know? But, because because he was definitely one of us.

But, he and I were in the basement, and we had us a couple of joints, and we had a bottle of wine, we had a couple of malt liquors, and we proceeded to get loaded. And and I remember getting loaded, and I remember being totally drunk, totally stoned, totally out of control, and totally terrified. Just terrified. It was the first time I'd really been outside of my head. And, I was terrified, and I remember having the conscious thought, I can't wait to do this again.

And and and you know what? For the next 14 years, I did as as often as I could. And, you know, you know, I I it would you know, I was such a you you know, I was 13 years old when it when I got loaded for the first time. And I gotta tell you, you know, I really needed to drink when I was 10. I really needed one when I was 9.

I probably needed one coming out of the the womb. I needed, you know, a little mixed in with the formula or something. Yeah. Because that's just the way I am. You know?

I am an alcoholic, and alcohol goes to the core of my very innermost being. And, you know, I can tell you that for the next 14 years, my pattern was real simple. If I was here and the drink was here, anything that came between me and the drink, I was gonna make disappear, you know. And that's what I did, you know. And I made educational opportunities disappear.

I made career opportunities disappear. I made a wife disappear. I made a child disappear. I made 3 sister 3 brothers who who love me disappear. I made 2 bro 2 sisters that love me.

I made them disappear. I made 2 parents who really did love me. I was I was their baby. I was the surprise child. You know, they had 5 7 years, and then 4 years later, they had me.

I was I was that surprise child. And my parents really did love me, and, I made them disappear. I made them go away. I made everything disappear. I made jobs disappear.

I you know, you name it. Anything in my life that could have been positive or good, I may disappear if it came between me and the drink. And that's just how it was. And that's how my life was for the next 14 years. And, you know, the biggest thing that the biggest thing that I made disappear is I made a big piece of my soul disappear.

You know? That all that drinking and using did not come without a price. And it took me a long time being sober to find out exactly what that price was. And, you know, and it and it was a heavy one. But, you know, I I don't like to share a lot of war stories about what happened, so I won't.

And, you know, I'll fast forward to, Thanksgiving in 1985. And, Thanksgiving in 1985, I was living in Laguna Beach. I was sharing a 3 bedroom house with a roommate. And, she was the only woman I ever knew she was the only person I ever knew that smoked more pot than I did. You know, I mean, I she was a freak of nature.

But, you know, we we were home, and it it was Thanksgiving. And, you know, we were gonna cook dinner for all of our all of our friends that had no place to go. And really what that meant is we had no place to go, so we we were gonna cook dinner. That's how that translated. And it was about 10 o'clock in the morning, and and I was smoking a joint, and I was drinking some bourbon.

And I was cooking, and the phone rang and, rang. And and it was my buddy, Rod. And Rod said, what are you doing? And I said, the party's already started. And he said, I'll be there in an hour.

And I'm I'm pretty sure that Rod got there that day, and I'm pretty sure that we probably had dinner that day, but I just don't have any real recollection of it. And, you you know, and then you can fast forward a month till Christmas, and I'm sure that there was a Christmas and a Christmas Eve of 1985. I have no recollection of it at all. I'm sure that there was a a New Year's Eve and a New Year's Day. Have no memory.

Don't know. Can't tell you. Don't don't know anything about it. And, the only thing I remember from January is the space shuttle blew up that year. And and I remember that.

And I remember watching on TV and crying. You know? And the next thing I can that I really remember is January 30, 1986. And and I was, working that day, and, I was I was I was working from 3 o'clock in the afternoon till 9 o'clock at night. I was selling new Porsches in Orange County and all the things that went with that.

And, I was coming home that night at 9 o'clock, and and my plan was I was gonna go straight to bed because I had to get up in the morning, and I had to go down and talk to the district attorney about, you know, why I'd never paid child support for, you know, that child that I had abandoned. And, you know, so I was I was gonna get home, I was gonna go to bed, I was gonna get a good night sleep, and I was gonna go, and I was gonna take care of business. I was gonna man up, and I was gonna go do the right thing for a change. And, you know, what happened is I is I got home and and my buddy Rod was there, and my roommate was there, and they were drinking and they were using. And I said, no.

I don't want to. And I ended up drinking against my will. And, that sounds strange, but it's actually true. For some reason, I didn't wanna drink that night, and I drank anyway, which was not a usual occurrence for me. And when, at the end of my using and drinking, I was suffering from a physical phenomenon that some alcoholics have.

I abused my body so much that I suffered from a condition called reverse tolerance. In one night, I might drink a 5th of wild turkey and be pretty sober. In the next night, I might drink 2 beers and be completely shit faced. And there was no pattern to that. And it was it was it was mister toad's wild ride, let me tell you.

And, and, you know, I I got home that night. We started using it. We started drinking, and I drank a I drank a lot of bourbon that night. And I drank I drank and I drank some more, and there were some other things that we did. And, I was sitting there at 4 o'clock in the morning in the absolute worst place that an alcoholic can ever be.

Inside my own head, completely sober and cognizant of my life and what was going on. And I couldn't get loaded. I could not get drunk. And it was an awful, awful, awful place to be. And it was 4 o'clock in the morning, and there's a silence it's deafening.

It's loud. It's so quiet. And I'm sitting there with my best friend, Rod, and he was my best friend because he was my only friend. He was the only person that I didn't make disappear from my life because he never got between me and a drink. And, and we each had pretty good drug connections, so that was a lot of the attraction there too.

But, we're we're sitting there, and for the first time in my life, at 20 and I said, Rod, I'm really miserable. I'm really miserable in my life. I'm really miserable in my life. I'm really miserable in my life. I'm really miserable in my life.

I'm really And I said, Rod, I'm really miserable. I'm really miserable. My life isn't working. I'm really unhappy, and and I don't know what to do. Now this isn't the kind of, you know, conversation you usually have with somebody where you're getting loaded.

And, and, you know, usually, the the closest to that is I love you, man. You know? But that's that's as close to emotion as you get. You know, we we have those kind of conversations sober, but not, you know, in here, but not not when we're out there. And, you know, Ron had to think about it for a minute.

And and it was really quiet, and I could hear the gears turning in Rod's head. And he was trying to decide what he was gonna say. And and he thought about it for a minute and he's looking straight ahead and he finally goes, well, Jim, I don't have any answers for you, but I know some people that do. And, I'd arrived at step 1. That was my 12 step call.

And, I didn't know it at the time. I didn't find out till later. Rod was 30 years old, and he'd been trying to get sober for 11 years. And the most he'd had was 5 months, and he went out after 5 months on Thanksgiving Day at my house. And, you know, I pressed Rod for some information, and he had he was having no part of it.

He was just dodging every question I had for him, and he left shortly after that. And I I kinda figured out later that, much later actually, that, you know, I was technically what was called a buzz kill. Apparently, that apparently, that head full AA and that body full of dope was just not good for not good combination for him. But, I went I I I you know, and then and then you go through the the the calculation. Let's see.

It's 4:30 if I go to sleep now, and, you know, and I can sleep for an hour and 30 minutes, and then get you know, and and I and I got up and I and I went to court, and I did some chug and jibe to this poor woman and put her together, and she didn't she never knew what was happening. And one more time, I slid by. One more time, I slid away. And, you know, then I then I went and did, you know, something that I can't explain to this day. I instead of going back home to my house, my 3 bedroom house in Laguna Beach overlooking the ocean, I went to, I checked into a motel on South Harbor Boulevard in Anaheim.

And that was that was before it was the Anaheim Resort area, let me tell you. Although all the motels over there were Hooker Dopey Motels. I mean, I I guess I wanted to be by my I guess I wanted to be around my people. And, you know, I went I went and checked into that I went and checked into that, motel and I didn't drink and I didn't use and and I got up I got up the next day, and, you know, the next day was kind of a fog, and I and I drove around. And I don't really remember anything that happened, and I decided I need to seek out some answers.

So I I drove up to Rod's apartment in Rosemead, and, I showed up to his house at about 7:30. And I knocked on his door, the door of his apartment unannounced. And he invited me in, and we sat down on the couch. And and, I told him, I said, Rod, you know, my life's not working. I'm miserable, and I don't know what to do.

And he he stood up and he said, Jim, I don't have any answers for you, but I know some people that do come with me. And we walked out of his apartment. We walked down the steps. We walked around the pool, and we walked into the clubhouse of the apartment complex. And there were a bunch of people in there, and there was an 8 o'clock meeting getting ready to start.

And, I haven't had a drug or drink since. And, like I said, that's been 8 1,120 days ago. Oh. And that's, that's not because of my power. By my own human power, I cannot get sober.

I cannot stop drinking. I cannot stop using drugs. You know, it was all about I got into the steps, and I got into, I got into doing the deal. And that's what I did. And I got busy, and, I got sober, and I got married, and I started a business.

And, I made a train load of money, and bought the big house on the hill, and, did a lot a lot of things. And, and I was I I can remember a morning. It was a Saturday morning. I was 14 years sober. And, I was standing out in front of my house, and I was smoking a Cuban cigar, and I was standing in the driveway of this house.

And it was a big house on a big acre lot with a big swimming pool and a big horse corral, and there are a few people in this room that were at that house. It rocked. And, it rocked. It really did. It was a bitching ass.

And, you know, problem with all these people in here that know me, I gotta I gotta keep on my toes because I gotta tell the truth because they know me. And, you know, but but I'm standing there in my driveway, and I and I and I got this driveway where it comes up and it kinda goes to a y, and you can park, like, five cars and not block anybody in. I'm standing there smoking this Cuban cigar, and I'm looking at at my BMW convertible, and I got my new Corvette convertible, and I got my Cadillac, and I got my 4 wheel drive, and I got my Harley sitting in the garage. And and, I'm looking down the street, and the street in Fullerton is up in Sunny Hills in Fullerton, and they they called this street pill hill because that's where all the doctors live. It was a beautiful street with a big Chinese Elm Street Elm Trees.

And, you know, I'm standing there smoking this cigar and, you know, and I got I got a wife in the house who who loves me and thinks I'm a great guy. You know, I got a girlfriend across town that loves me and thinks I'm a great guy. Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

That too. And and I'm smoking this cigar and I'm thinking, god, I don't think I could be any more miserable than I am. It's not about the it's that you get. And, you know, shortly after that, I had to start getting honest in in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I had to start I had to go back and start over again. I had to go back, and I had to work some steps, and I had to get another sponsor.

And I had to do I had to do a lot of stuff because I was either gonna drink or I was gonna kill myself. 1 of the 2. I knew I couldn't be dishonest like that and stay sober. And, you know, Ralph Ralph talks about when we get sober that that it's kinda like a whack a mole game. You know, like they have a Chuck E.

Cheese, you know, and you got this one problem alcohol and you pound that down, gambling pops up. It's son of a bitch. And then it's sex, and then it's food, and then it's, you know, work, and then it's, you know, it's always something, you know, because we wanna obsess on something. We wanna get outside of our own heads with something. And, you know, that's that's that's what it was all about.

But, you know, I got busy, and I and I got sober, and and I changed my life. And and the message is is that if you're sitting in this room tonight, and you've been sober for a while, and you haven't done the work, you can do the work. It's not too late. You don't have to go out and drink to start your program over again. And you can get back into the steps, and you can get back and do the things that you need to do.

And, you know, it it will be worth the journey. It will be worth the journey. You know, there's no no coincidence that I've known 6 people since I've been sober, that stone cold sober was some time they walked out in their backyard, put a gun in their mouth, and blew their brains out. Because that's just how miserable it is. Because if I can't drink, and I don't have or and I don't have God in my life, I'm screwed.

I am screwed. I've got no place to go. I got no place to hide. I got no place to run. And, you know, that's, that's what that's that's, what happened to me.

I, you know, I wanna share a little bit about the last, the last year and a half has been busy for me. And, you know, I I I ended a relationship that I'd been in for about 4 years that that, I was ready to stay in for the rest of my life. And, against my will, it was ended, I guess. And because I got kicked to the curb is really what that means. And, and and, you know, that was really tough.

And I and I got into another relationship. And and, you know, and and they say, you know, that that, pain is the touchstone to growth. And and if that's true, I grew like a son of a bitch. But but, but but I stayed sober. And, that was that was the the important thing.

And and, you know, and I and I stayed busy in Alcoholics Anonymous. I got busy, and I and you and, you know, and I always sponsor 5 or 6 guys, and there was 7 or 8, and then there was 9 or 10, and then there was a dozen, and now there's 16. And, you know, and and 16 guys is a lot of 16 people is a lot to sponsor. And, you know, if if you just had that thought in your head, you know, well, he's sponsored too many people. Well, then get off your too many people.

Well, then get off your fucking ass and do some work. I need some help. You know? You know, and, anyway, last August, you know, I went to the doctor, and it was just that regular checkup to, you know, renew a couple of prescriptions. And and he looked at me, and he said he said, Jim, how long how long have your lymph nodes been swollen?