Al-Anon Day of Courage, Al-Anon Steps & Sponorship Workshop in Beaumont Texas

Talked to me and listened, and she said a lot of things that were real, real helpful to me. So my relationship with the sponsor, has been very important in all of the years that I've been in, but in what way it's changed is definitely now because I've worked through the steps and, of course, I have to work steps in certain situations all the time, but now I do it a real lot with other people in the program. Like Blanche said, you know, we don't have to have everybody that we talk to be our sponsor. I have a lot of help from the people that I sponsor, and I learn a lot from the things that they do that's wrong, that I I I learn I think I learn more from the negative things than I learn from the positive things because I learn I don't wanna do it that way. So I just encourage anybody that's worked through the steps to really get into becoming a sponsor.

Oh, and one other thing too, when we talked about letting somebody ask you before you, before you suggest it. I had a little bitty gal one time in a in a Monday night meeting come up to me afterwards and she said, oh, I just don't know what to do. My husband says I should get a sponsor, and I really wanna ask you, but I know you sponsor a whole bunch of people, and I said, mhmm. And I knew that was just ringing in my head. You can't say UB, you have to you have to let her ask you.

And she didn't, and I said, are you asking me to be your sponsor? And she said, Oh, I just couldn't because I just think that you're too busy. And I said, Well, okay, then I can't be because, you know, we say it's important for you to ask. And then she was able to say, Will you be my sponsor? And I'm so grateful because she still is one of my sponsorees today and I get a lot of wisdom from her too.

And I thank you for letting me share. Hi. My name is Charlene, and I'm a grateful Al Anon. And I've got question number 4 that says, do we ever outgrow our need for a sponsor? I wish.

When they When I came to this program, they told me to keep coming back, come back to 6 meetings and there were 12 steps on the wall. I have to work them, so I divided 6 into 12 and come up with 2. They get I 2 2 steps for each meeting. At the end of 6, they give me a certificate, I graduate and that'd be the end of this. I like beginnings, middles and ends.

I like to take a job and complete it and go to the end of it. Found out I couldn't do that. I got to the end of 3 and found out I was back at 1 again, and it was real disappointing. Got my sponsor. I had an old time in the program that I I kept calling her up and I'd tell her what was going on.

She'd say, do you have a sponsor yet? No. And finally, after I'd heard that so many times, I figured I'd better go ahead and get one. I will never outgrow my need for sponsor because life keeps throwing me curves. Once I work this program on one problem, 6 months later I come up against another one.

It may be the same thing with a different face, but I still need the sponsor to go back. She's the one that keeps me sane. You let me get up in the middle of the night and start figuring out how to work my own problem, I'm in trouble. I mean, I can pick up the phone and sometimes I don't have to ask for an answer. Sometimes I just need to talk.

I need to get it out, get it all out. And sometimes by doing that, I keep my sanity. But most of the time, she can guide me back where I need to be and I will never outgrow the need for sponsors. Even though I like beginnings, middles and ends, I'm glad I have one. Thank you.

My name is Cindy, and I'm a grateful Al Anon, and I have the 5th question. And it says, is it necessary that you do everything just as your sponsor doesn't discuss? And, it is not necessary that I do everything just as my sponsor does, and it's a good thing because I couldn't do it because when I got my sponsor, she had a whole lot more recovery than I had and that's why I chose her. You know, I I couldn't have done everything as she did it at that time if I had wanted to, and and and the other thing was is she made it real clear that she couldn't give me answers and that my life was different than hers, but that she could share her experience and I could take from it what I could learn, and that was enough. And the I I have recently gotten a, my second sponsor, a new and different sponsor and, and I really, need her but we are very different, our lives are very different, but that doesn't mean that she can't listen to me and hear me and give me good, good information.

And we are very different people and we got we work our programs differently, but her perspective is very valuable to me, and that's really what I need her for, is not to tell me how she lives her life or how I should live mine, but just so that I kind of have a mirror that doesn't distort who I am. And I really am grateful for the program. Thank you. Hi, I'm Terry. Hi.

The question says, do you think that sponsorship can ever be reciprocal? That is, can 2 people sponsor each other? How does that work? When I first came into the program, of course, that wouldn't have been a possibility. I sought out someone who defined herself as having been an Al Anon for 20 years and actively working the program for 12 of those years.

But when I moved from California to Oklahoma, I did find a sponsor, and at that time, we probably both been in Al Anon for about 5 years. And I consider that that's pretty reciprocal. She's also a long distance sponsor. And the the reciprocal nature of it came about more by accident than anything else. Several years ago, I went through, a very traumatic life changing experience and, came out on the other side.

And she I got a lot of help from her and a lot of help from other people. And, as life has it, she went through the same and is in the process of going through the same experience right now. And, for her, it started about 6 months ago, and so we've had more of a reciprocal relationship. But and for us, that works fine. But the way that it works is that aside from the slings and arrows of daily life, neither of us have ever been in a crisis situation at the same time.

And I my my own intuitive feeling is that if we ever were both of us in a crisis at the same time, it would cease from working because our roles change depending on who has the problem, if that makes sense. And, in order for that to happen, one of us has to be feeling pretty darn good. So I would say that it were it would work to that point, and we, you know, we haven't had this experience where we've both been traumatized at precisely the same moment in time. So I'm only assuming that it would stop working at that point. I'm Connie, and I have 8 again.

You are you are supposed to be up here. You could tease me. Sorry. You can tell, sponsorees don't always follow sponsors' advice. Oh, I'm number 7, and it said my name is Beige, by the way, and I am a very grateful Al Anon.

As a sponsor, would you allow someone to start out with you as hisher higher power? If not, how would you prevent it? Early in the program, I would have probably said yes, because they need the stability I have to offer. I don't know wherever I thought I had it but, early in the program, had a meeting one night, and it was after I came to Al Anon, I very early became a longtime member in my group. And, we had a young man there, and I was having a problem and I had never had problems.

They never saw me, in a with a problem. And that night, I shared and I cried. And he said, Oh, thank you. You just fell off your pedestal. And it horrified me to think that he had put me on a pedestal.

To service someone else's higher power, I would have to be on a pedestal. And I have problems just like the people that our sponsor have had. Maybe not the same type, but we have to walk through the same thing. And the only thing I could tell them is, let me walk with you through this, but I cannot be your higher power and tell you. But just take my hand and we will walk together.

I'm Connie, I'm 8 and I'm fixing to talk. My question is, is it important to set guidelines in the beginning of a sponsoring relationship? Why and why not? Well, when I went to the convention in Houston, I decided who I would pick to be my sponsor. And there was a lady that was with us, and she became my sponsor too.

And that was kind of that was kinda wrong because the lady I picked was everything I wanted to be. She was she was bright. She was very bright and, she was happy. And it'd been so long since I had been happy. And, she was like a kid, and I felt like I had missed my childhood.

So I picked this little gray headed lady right here, and she's my sponsor. And, she's about the best sponsor I think anybody could have. And the only thing she told me when she said she would be my sponsor is that she would be there for me. And if that if she was busy and could not get away, that she would tell me, I'm tied up, I will get back to you. And as long as I respect her, she respects me.

And our our sponsorship works out really, really great. Now, as far as me being a sponsor, I'm not a very good sponsor. I sponsored my school teacher in this program. She was my 3rd grade teacher, and I was just I was just at awe that she would ask me to be her sponsor. She had a lot of problems, and she needed help that I could not give her.

And I was totally, completely confused. It just did not work. It did not work, and I did not set a lot of rules when I told her I would sponsor her because I was so happy that she asked me. You know? I was so I was so proud that my school teacher had asked me to be her sponsor that we didn't set any rules.

And one morning, she called me and asked me to tell she called me and told me that I wasn't a very good sponsor because I didn't call her every day and tell her to clean house. You know? And I'm thinking, that's not what sponsors does. You know? That's not what I'm supposed to do.

You know, and it's it called for a lot of, I wouldn't say bad feelings, but I'm not a sponsor anymore. And, so so when you decide to do something like that, make sure that make sure that you're that you're ready and set some guidelines. This is how it's gonna be. I'm Joy. I'm a grateful Al Anon.

I'm Joy. I'm Joy. I have number 9. How do you decide how many people you can effectively sponsor? I don't know.

I don't think I've just began to sponsor and I I'm loving it. I'm enjoying it very much. I feel very inadequate sometimes. And I remember when I was, my first sponsor, still my sponsor. I don't call her too much because she's so busy sponsoring so many other people.

But, I really but I see her a lot. But I really needed to talk to her every day. I I really did. I needed her a lot. And so I believe for myself, I can't sponsor very many people.

I I really maybe have, you know, I'm sponsoring 2 people right now, and thank goodness they're, patient and they're pretty healthy in there. And they call a lot of other people in the program too. And, but I think it's hard to sponsor a lot, especially I've only been in the program 5 years, and, I have so much to learn too. But, anyway, I'm learning a lot sponsoring, and that's helping me a lot, so I really recommend it. It's great.

Thank you. Hi. I'm Alton. I'm grateful Eleanor. I'm very happy I'm here today.

I have number 10. How do you say no to someone who asked you to sponsor him or her without discouraging that person? Hopefully, with great difficulty, if I don't believe I could ever say no to someone that would ask me to sponsor them because of the great honor it is that somebody would ask me to sponsor them. The joy that comes from, getting to know someone in this program or be sponsored by somebody, if anyone had experienced that friendship, that love that grows between 2 people. I don't know that I can ever honestly be honest enough with somebody to say or have a good reason to say no to someone when I'm asked to be their sponsor.

The only way I can probably say no, I can sponsor you if I felt deep in my heart that I didn't have anything to offer that person. And as inadequate as I feel sometime in this program, I learned something in this program very early in my program from my sponsor. He shared something with me that's gonna be with me the rest of my life. I was asking, how long you have to be here? Can you sponsor?

What does it take to sponsor? And he shared something very simple with me. He said, you can sponsor someone up to where you're at in your program. And, I hear this a lot in AA, that if you got one day and that person's brand new, you can share up to your one day. And I think that said the same for us in Illinois, that I can only share up to where I am in my program.

And because of that, I haven't had to have to say no to somebody. I hope that I never have to. But if I had to say no to someone, I hope I could be honest enough and give a reason that would really be a reason that I just absolutely couldn't do it because sharing with somebody in sponsorship is a two way. It's an equal we're equal. And I've learned that I don't have to be the breadiest person in the world, the smartest person in the world to share something.

I've learned something if I've been here 1 week And if I've learned nothing more than to maybe share with that person that my own experience of going to a meeting or what I've read. But I think we all got something to give back. And I I learned so much from newcomers or from people that asked me to sponsor them. Sometimes the people that asked me to sponsor them are the ones that saved my life when I'm in a bad place. The meetings after the meetings, drank the coffee at the coffee shop.

I have someone that loved me so much enough to say, you're gonna go with us in Ring Crawford tonight. And I say, I can't. I'm too tired. And that person say, yeah, but I need to talk. And I'll go and I'll get more from that meeting than she getting out of the meeting.

And I I like to share something that I sponsor people of the, office of sex, and, I haven't had any problem with that, and that's by the grace of god. Because I heard a lot of things in here today that I can really identify with. This has been a really great day for me. Thank you. Hi.

I'm Pat at Grateful Al Anon. Hi, Pat. And I have question 11. If you feel that you have taken a person as far as you can and that he, she needs a different sponsor, how do you say that? How do you let go?

Well, let's see. I don't think that's happened too often, as far as I think sometimes people drift apart. I've had people just drift away. They stop going to meetings. They don't call me anymore.

I don't see them, and really nothing has to be said. You know, the writing's on the wall. We didn't have anything in writing, saying you gotta have to call me every day. But I agree. A lot of my feelings about sponsorship agree with what Blanche said.

I do expect the people that I sponsor to go to meetings to, you know, contact me not daily. We all have to work our own time schedules into that sort of thing, theirs and mine. But I do expect for there to be some contact, and I do like to go through the steps with them at least the first time and over and over if necessary. So there's been one person that I can recall just off the top of my head that was not doing a lot of the things that, you know, the people around her were suggesting, and and she would call and cry and and keep doing the same things over and over and over and expect us to change it for her. And I was a sponsor, but she was also calling many other people on the program with the same story.

So I finally was just very honest with her and told her I still loved her as a person, but that I had nothing new to say and and that there was absolutely no point in calling me with the same story because, you know, it it was just too much, that we just weren't getting any place. And and she understood, and I think I said it kindly and with love because it was shortly after that I moved away. When I came back, she had found another sponsor and and they seem to be making it real well. So, you know, maybe I planted a little seed. I don't know.

But, the other part of this question is how do you let go? I don't think I ever have too much of a problem letting go. It's like I don't own anything. I am just a person there for that person. They mean as much to my recovery as I mean to theirs.

And if they've grown past me in certain areas, they they're free to go on. Or if they aren't interested in what I have any longer, they're free to go their own way too. So I I think it's like we can't hang on and have something. We just you know, there's not a problem there. When they're ready to change whatever they're doing, then I can let them go on to what they need to do.

Thank you. Hi, everybody. I'm Betty and, I was grateful until I had to get up here and it's my turn. I have microphobia, so it scares me that. My question is number 12, and it is when is it time for you to change sponsors and how do you go about it?

I really don't really feel, qualified to answer that question. I haven't had it hadn't been necessary for me to change sponsors. However, in the last year or so, I have considered it because my sponsor and I seem to have grown apart in a lot of ways. I don't see her at meetings anymore and, we just are not in contact anymore, and it's just kind of a drifting thing. It hasn't been anything said on her part, our mind.

She hasn't dismissed me or nor I heard. And, how do I go about it? I would assume that I'll go about the same way I did the first time by, picking someone that I wanted what they have, you know, and that's what I did the first time around, and I would try to pick a sponsor the same way this time around too. One of the things that's made that unnecessary is that I have what Blanche talked about, a reciprocal sponsorship with a a couple of the people that I have sponsored who have very good programs, and I have been able to, from time to time, depend on them in crisis. And I would I don't know whether it's legal or not to do this, but I would probably ask one of them.

If I was gonna ask another person to sponsor me, I would want someone with the kind of program I see that they have because a lot of days is better than my own. Thank you for letting me share. This is number 13. Can you sponsor someone you don't really like? I don't think I could.

Fortunately, no one I've has ever asked me that I didn't like. I can't even, right offhand, think of that situation even coming about, but I'm sure it could. I did early on. The first, person I sponsored, I kinda grew to hate. And that's because I had such great recovery.

And, and I learned a lot out of that, believe it or not. She's no longer with the program, and I finally let go of the fact that's not my fault either. But that was a whole lot of the situation. I I really wanted to be responsible for her recovery, and she wouldn't do it like I told her, so I got real mad at her. And, maybe she'll find out I'm not Kim with someone a little healthier than I was at that time.

The second part of the question is why or why not. I guess I've explained that to the best of my ability anyway. I don't think that if if I didn't feel good about that situation that it would be a healthy thing for me or the other person to tell them that I would sponsor them. Reason I got into that first thing, I had never learned to say no. Maybe I was a little bit it was an ego thing that someone had asked me to sponsor them, and I felt like that I needed to do that so I could tell people I was a sponsor.

I don't know. I really think it was, the whole thing was a real unhealthy situation, and I won't I have no regrets because I did learn a lot out of it. I've never gotten into that situation again, and I don't have to go through the that put me through a lot of pain. I'm sure she didn't come out of it scot free either, but it certainly caused me a lot of agony. I harangued on it people about this person, and nobody gave me advice.

I'm sure I heard a lot of good stuff and ignored it. But, anyway, if if that situation ever comes up with anybody that hasn't yet sponsored, I know there are a few people that's how wound up with this, someone said they weren't a sponsor yet, By all means, look into that very well. I I I really think you would be doing yourself a disservice, and this is a program for ourselves, but you certainly wouldn't be helping that person with your inability to say no. I'm not ready at this time to sponsor you. Whatever.

I think if you pray over it, you can come up. You can always say let me get back to you. Nothing comes up righteously at that time that you can say thank you. Hi, everybody. My name is John.

I'm a happy. Happy. Mine in number 14. How can you keep sponsorship from becoming a cult? Oh, you if you sponsor the people I sponsor, there ain't no way it can become a club.

So they tell you you're nuts and they say I ain't gonna do this and someone get up here and make, you know, this is an anonymous program so I ain't gonna say her name is Connie. That's how we're supposed to share our experience, strength, and hope. Blake said people sponsor people, and I believe that's true. The first person that I ever sponsored was a woman, and I feel bad about that. Hell, I like women.

I sponsored several women and I decided that, you know, I needed to do something else. And so I prayed one day and I said, you know what? I'm sponsoring some women and I ain't got no man to sponsor. And and I am a man's man, and I need a man to sponsor. And he answered my prayer and I went right back to him and I said, if I ask you for something again, I said, you remind me how bright I am.

And when he got another sponsor, I said me and your sponsor got a hell of a lot in common. I said I'm glad to get rid of you and she's glad to get you. I do love him, but, he was as hard headed as I am. And, but again, I I say that if you sponsor the type of people that I sponsor, I am very hard headed and I reckon God knows that because he sends hard headed people to me and I don't tell them when I meet them. I don't say, I don't think you're hard headed.

I say you're hard headed as hell. And they'll ask me how you know that, and I say hard headed recognizes hard head. It also helps to have people, friends in the program and I have a lot of friends in the program. It's anonymous programs, so I don't call them names. One initial starts with, well, I'm not her initial either.

I know there are a friend that I have in the program that has an initial and her name is Christine, that's her initial. And, you talk to these friends 1 on 1 and they don't mind telling you. I would really like for them to say you're full of snot, but some of my friends tell me I'm full of shit. That may not do anything at all for you, but it does for me because I understand that kind of language. And when Christine tells me that, I know that she is hitting the nose out on the head and that's what I need.

But, I don't think, you know, if if I if I if I spiff, I stay with the steps. There's not any way that it's going to become a cult. I've had at least one person to tell me I don't want what you've got, and that's okay too. Thank you. Hi.

I'm Kaye. And I have I have question 15. And it says, what does your sponsor do that is most helpful to you in your recovery? Well, my sponsor couldn't be here today so she can't hear all these wonderful things I'm gonna say her. So you guys will have to tell her and figure out who she is.

She listens to me and she doesn't criticize and I think and she guides me without me knowing it, but she can ask me questions and leave me down the trail. And one of the most difficult things I have is to keep out of my alcoholics program because I don't think he works it the way he should. And we had we had several problems when we were early in the program, and and one was that he continued to drink. And he would quit for a while and then he would go back out. And I didn't think his sponsor, if he had one, was doing the right job because he was still drinking.

And and and I was about ready to tell his sponsor this, but she kept me from doing that. So she she actually did her job very well, and she gave me a great piece of advice. She told me to leave the alcoholics for the alcoholics and just go to Al Anon meetings. And that's probably the best piece of advice she ever gave me. And because it really does work because I don't, and she gave me some other tips to to try to keep out of his program, which I have to do on a daily basis because although he's sober now, he, I still work his program for him on a daily basis, but I try not to tell him now, but that's all.

Hi. My name is Amanda, and I'm a grateful Al Anon. Hi. I have question 16. As a sponsor of someone else, what has been your greatest reward?

My greatest reward is the gifts that I get from the experiences that I received from them. As their issues arise, I am able to look at my reactions to their issues. I'm able to go back to the literature, see where I stand. I'm able to learn from them. I have a few different people that I sponsor.

Our relationships with each one of them is different. Some of them it's a detached relationship to where we work together when they call it. Other ones, I'm in more constant contact with. We set our own itinerary as to how often we touch base, what their needs are. They know what they need from me.

I know what I get from them, and that's helped me a lot with the program. My greatest gift from my is the gift of growth. Thank you. Of course, I thought of things I left out. Let me tell you a couple of things.

On the male female thing, the man who was the 1st man to join our Algonquin group in Odessa came and say no female could teach him anything. And, I have just learned then about not blocking any channels through which God might reach you. And so I told him in a very superior manner that he just brought half the human race through which God might reach him. But I can remember the, help it was. For instance, he would say to us, you know what these alcoholic women are like?

They want you to say I love you every day. And we would say, uh-uh. That's female. That's not alcoholic. You know?

And he didn't know that. It's so easy to assume that everything is due to the disease and it's not. And occasionally when we made comments, he would say, uh-uh. That's just just male. Take it from me.

And I found that very beneficial. When I began to sponsor men, I had a friend in the program at that time in New Jersey, Ted Koch, who was, for a long time president of our Board of Trustees at World Service. And I would call him and say, now here's what I just told the man. Is that right? Then check it out with him.

I have people who check out with me what they're telling people they sponsor and I think that's fine. I think we can just call in all the troops we can get. But particularly in sponsoring men, I used TED for a long time. What else was I going to tell you? About the guidelines, gosh, I have to say this carefully.

If, if you have achieved any notoriety no. That's not what I want. If, if people know you a lot in the program, there are others who want you to be their sponsor so they can say that you are their sponsor. Did you follow that? I find that as soon as I say, well, there are some limitations I have and here they are, then, they lose interest.

And so it prevents not being used, if that makes sense to you. And I truly don't know how to sponsor other than with those those limitations. Something that's worked for me, I learned it from Betty Dee in Houston, whom many of you know. Betty sponsors a lot of people. 2025.

And they all are River Oaks matrons. You know what I'm talking about? They look as if they all came out the same cookie cutter, which is to say they all look as if they came out of Vogue Magazine. Beautiful. Every hair in place, makeup perfume.

Ah, well, they, they needed her house once a month with potluck and talking. And one night they doubled up the money and sent me an airplane ticket and said, we want to ask you some questions. Would you come? So I did. And I thought, you know, that would be kind of a good idea.

If the people I sponsor know each other, then when I'm not in town, they'll have someone who at least has been brought up in Alabama the same way they have. But I want you to know the big lie sponsor are a motley crew. There were 2 of them having an affair with each other, which is not my business as a sponsor. Okay? I sponsor a young lesbian woman whom I love a great deal.

And it was interesting when I began having everyone over to listen to her talk about using a pronoun. And finally, she felt safe enough to say she. It was interesting when they were sharing to hear them. I I would wonder how long it would take them to tell everyone things I already knew. It used to take about 6 months.

But it worked so well. And for 3 years, I was able to do this. And then I moved out of the Austin area and it's just almost impossible now to get them together. It was not a meeting. If it was a meeting, we'd have to let everyone come.

It was not a party. If it had been a party, spouses and children would have come. It was a sponsoring session. And it was it was very beneficial for us. I was in New Mexico some years ago to talk at a convention and there was a big sign up, big pendant that said, Do you know where your sponsor is tonight?

And a group of us were standing around saying, You know, that's pretty well put. An absolute newcomer. She hadn't been in for just weeks. And she said, yes, that's that's good because you never know when your sponsor might need you. And I thought out of the mouths of babes in the program, you know, I certainly need the people I sponsor.

I need them more than they need me. And it's, of course, in the media alanine. It's sort of like if you take a kid to Disneyland. You see it through their eyes. And the things that I had forgotten.

If you're helping someone else to see them, it just becomes a well, it's just an adventure and I wouldn't want you to miss it. That's all I know. I've told you you've been a wonderful audience. I've told you every thought I've ever had. And a lot of them I didn't have till today.

Thank you for letting me come. And I hope I will see you at the state convention and at the east Texas assembly. Don't get to thinking that the 4 walls where your group meets are the 4 walls of Al Anon. I don't want you to miss anything good and those are good things that will stretch your mind. Thank you much.