Al-Anon Day of Courage, Al-Anon Steps & Sponorship Workshop in Beaumont Texas

My mother used to tell me that I should marry a well mothered man. She says, his whole orientation toward women is determined by his relationship with his mother. And I believe that and I did that. I did that twice. I think it's valid.

Well I will suggest right off the bat that you get a well sponsored sponsor. I believe there's no place in this program for gurus and disciples. And I'm horrified by sponsors who form cults and there are some. I think there are some I run across that more in California than anywhere but there are some everywhere who do that. I recently got my 3rd sponsor.

I had only had 2 in 30 years and, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. My- the sponsor I had had first, moved away after 11 years and, she moved halfway across the country. I wasn't far enough along to understand that if you have a pretty good foundation you can have an out of town sponsor. It's not ideal but it can work. And then for 17 years Donna Lancaster in Dallas was my sponsor.

If you know Donna she was born with no legs. Can you imagine how she looked at me when I would complain to her about life being unfair to me? She could do everything. She pilots her own plane. She still can do everything.

I, have a sponsor now who lives in California, her name is Pat Roche, And, I realized that I had used her as a sponsor for say the last 5 years without realizing that's what I was doing. And so for a lot of reasons that are inappropriate for me to talk to up here, I made the switch. As I said it was very hard. I'll be eternally grateful for the first two that I had. I mentioned being a counselor.

I was a counselor for 8 years in a little country school and I had kindergarten through 12th grade. I had never been around little children in school before. I mean it was a whole new world, and they are something else. And I had, been talking with a little boy in my office, 1st grader. I was taking him back to his classroom and he said my teacher's not here today.

I said yeah I noticed and he said she's sick and I said yeah. Yeah. He said, They sent another teacher. I said, Yes, they did. And he said, When I'm sick they don't send another little boy.

And I looked at that precious little face and I thought oh honey, the times you wish you could send someone else to do it for you, you know. Well, they didn't send another sick alan on to recover for me either. Nobody can do it for us, but we can have support and guidance along the way. I, I was told first 2 or 3 meetings we can't promise you you won't hurt but you'll never have to hurt alone. We can't promise you that you won't cry but you will never have to cry alone unless you choose to, and, I can't- that was just a whole new concept for for me because usually I was around other people when I was okay.

And you said I didn't I'd have somebody there even when I wasn't. Now look we have a pamphlet on sponsorship and as I said this morning I assume you can read. I'm not going to read to you but there are guidelines in this pamphlet. I want to share some of those with you and then some of my own experiences and then in the time remaining I want to hear some of yours. First of all, a sponsor waits to be asked.

Asking is part of the newcomers therapy. Twice in 30 years I have volunteered and both times were disastrous. I learned slowly but I do learn and I wait now to be asked. I lay down 3 conditions when I agree to sponsor someone because I know my limitations. I tell them you have to go to meetings.

I don't know how to sponsor anyone who doesn't- well you're not in Al Anon if you don't go to meetings, and if you're not in Al Anon you don't need a sponsor. And, in in Odessa see we had one group and I would know who was there. And in central Texas, in Austin or in the Temple Belton area, we have so many groups. I feel as if maybe I ought to get them to bring me a note from the chairman, you know, saying they were there. But I do check on where are you going to meetings?

You know, how many are you going to? That's my first condition. The other is you have to work the steps. I've never seen anyone recover without them and I want them to do it with me. As I said this morning I think we work every step with our sponsor.

And then I tell them they can do those first two pretty well. I say, You're going to have to remember that I'm sick too, and that there are days when I'm bitchy and I am down and I'm depressed and I am angry and that doesn't mean the program doesn't work. They try, they really try, but they don't like for me to be not okay. Most people do not like for me to be not okay. This is an ongoing problem that those of us have who have been around a while.

Now I would say to you, you go ahead and be the person you are within the bounds of love and courtesy. Now, I would not suggest you be who you are and ride roughshod over somebody and say, Well that's just how I am. No. You get a Charles Manson when you do that but I would suggest that to you. In actual practice, I have trouble doing that because it's emotionally expensive.

For instance, when my husband Bob was dying and when I found out that his illness was terminal, and I told my Al Anon group in Temple, they said, Oh, you'll handle it. And I didn't deserve that you know. And I was angry. I will not have my pain trivialized because I'm not supposed to have any. I hope this makes sense to you, those of you who are new it won't, but please don't do that to us, to those of us who have been around a while.

Yes, I think we all need rebel models. I certainly have some. I tend to be a hero worshipper, and I make no apology for it. The people I love can do no wrong or if they did they had a good reason. That's how I feel.

But I hope I do not require constant spiritual strength from everybody. I I hope I hope I'd be a safe person for you not to be okay and I can count the ones about whom I feel that way with me. We have, no Nazi sponsors. Well, we have some, but that's not the kind I would wish for you. I run across them when I go places to talk at conventions.

Most recently, I said, I need to bring some things in out of my car. And this woman who was my connection there, my hostess said, oh, well. I'll get some people I sponsor to do that. Hey, she says, come over here and bring it. I'm standing there slack jawed.

I cannot believe this. And I hear about it even when I'm not there to see it. That no. That's not sponsoring. No.

You don't you don't do that. I I try to remember that I am allowed to give advice to the person I sponsor about his her program. I'm not allowed to say I'm allowed to say, okay it's about time I think that you started thinking about an inventory. But I'm not allowed to say, have a relationship, don't have a relationship, get a divorce, stay in your marriage, move to California, have a baby. No.

None of that is my business. Now what I do that I hope is helpful, and it's what people do for me that's helpful, is give feedback. For instance, if they say, How can I best use my program in and then they'll name an area of their life? How can I best use my program in my sex life? How can I best use my program with my children?

Then I feel free to make some suggestions. Even then I try to stick with what's either in the literature or what has worked for me. That means I have to know the literature because I can't say our literature says unless I know and I told you this morning that's where the program is. I wish I could get the people I sponsor to read. I don't have any clout with them.

I can't give them detention all. I can't do anything. And I think they miss so much. But, of course, I can't force them to do that. I can encourage I know people who do who make assignments to people they sponsor, and, I don't think that's my prerogative.

I can acquaint them with it, and it helps me to say, look here's what the program says and then I can tell them it's my experience if it has been. I never, I try never, try never to say I know how you feel. I don't know how you feel. Even if the same thing has happened to us, your feelings about your situation are different from mine. I have done through the years a great deal of grief counseling and I used to work with students about what can you say when Susie comes back to school after her mother's death, you know?

In a perfect world their parents would have taught them this. My experience is that their parents don't know what to say And I don't think schools should have to rear them, but that's what we ended up doing in a great many cases. So we would talk about what can you say. And one of the things I would say over and over is do not say I know how you feel. When I was divorcing Charles we were married 30 years.

A beautiful young woman on my on our faculty at Permian. She was an art teacher, highly talented, charming. She was 24 years old and she had been married briefly the year before and the marriage had been annulled due to, mental illness on the part of her husband. And I know she meant well. I hope no one ever says that about me.

She meant well. But she said to me, oh, I'm so sorry, Blanche. I know how you feel. And I sat there and thought, honey, I was married longer than you've been born. You don't have a clue as to how I feel.

I didn't say it because I knew she meant well, but that's something I try to watch when I'm sharing my experience and I don't share something that has not been my experience. I usually know someone else in the program who has had that experience and I can say to the person I'm sponsoring, you know maybe we should talk to so and so whatever. We don't give advice. I used to wonder how in the world we helped people if we didn't give advice. What we do and what seems to have worked with me both in both sides of sponsoring, you know, being sponsored and being a sponsor is that we help people see their available options.

When I married Charles and then we came into the program, I thought I had 3 options after we got into fellowship. 1 is that I could divorce this man, 2 was I could live with him while we both tried to recover in our respective fellowships, or I could have a close, warm, loving, communicative marriage. And I opted for number 3, and that was not one of my available options. And to this day, if I am miserable, I have usually opted for something that is not one of my available options. And, I need someone to help me see what they are.

I knew that from Al Anon, and I went to counseling school. And that's what you do as a counselor too. You don't give advice. You help them see what their options are. Okay.

I can say, yeah, suppose you do this. What will the consequences be? Well, if you do b, what will they be? Well, which can you live with better? And listen, sometimes it's a matter of which kind of pain can you tolerate better.

It's easy when the options are between something blissful and something I She walked in one day just a few months before Bob died and announced that she was going to live at our house. There are a lot of strays in Salado. There'll be a special place in hell along for the withholders that I told you about this morning. There'll be a space for people who drop animals off and they do that where I live they think we'll take care of them and we do But, Bob had never been around cats. I can't believe how uninformed he was about them.

I mean you'd think just living 60 years he would have picked up a few things, but he said you'll have to help me give her baths. I said, Bob, she's, self cleaning. No kidding. Yeah. Really.

Cheers. He said, how do how do we train her? Do we use newspapers? And I said, she's housebroken. She is.

Yes. She. He said, you know when I'm fixing her food she rubs against my legs. And I didn't say every cat on the planet. I said, oh well, she really loves you.

When he died she did what animals do. She cried and hunted him and cried and hunted him days days and even now she if I can't find her she's in the room that was his little office asleep on his chair. But what I wanted to say about her was that if we have cold, sleety, rainy day and she wants to go outside, she'll stand at the door and meow and I open the door and show her, look, you don't want to go out in that. And she looks at me, you know how cats do as if it were my fault. But then she goes to another door.

I have 3 doors and she goes to all 3. And I I think there's a lesson in there for somewhere. Maybe behind this door it will be different. Now, see, my point is in in in helping present options, it'd be wonderful if behind one door it's blissful and behind the other door it's not. But my point to you is it can be times when behind every door it is sleeting and raining and cold.

And I watch the people I sponsor go from one door to the other to the other and, ah, don't learn. I feel free to say to them, did you want some feedback or did you just want to tell me about that? I, I don't assume they want me to tell them what to do. I won't do that and if they want some feedback I'll tell them that. If you're leaving I want to say goodbye.

I'll miss you. Thank you for coming. That's all right. I told her kids are first things first, but I can give them advice on the program. Something I do, and I hope you will, is that I urge them to get professional help if I think they need it.

Now I've had a lot of training, and I think I know when they need it, and, I think there will be times when you'll know even you don't have to have a master's in psychology to know that. I nag. I badger. I push. I threaten to not even work with you if you don't get some additional help.

See, Al Anon doesn't promise to set broken legs or fill teeth or or give professional counseling. And I don't understand people who say I've never had a problem that the program didn't solve. If you had cancer you would, by golly, go somewhere besides Al Anon. Do all of you know who Father Martin is? Father Martin has said many times, if I'm in an automobile accident take me to a hospital not to a meeting.

Now, those things are pretty much agreed on in our literature, but there are some controversial aspects to sponsorship. And you and I may not agree on these. I told you this morning, that's okay. We don't have to. There are a lot of ways to do it right.

For instance, our literature now says it used to say men sponsor men, women sponsor women. And when that pamphlet was being revised a great many of us wrote and said, Listen some places people sponsor people. I was living in West Texas where towns are a 100 miles apart and in 1960s early 70s there weren't many men in Al Anon and you did the best you could to help each other. Now it is in our pamphlet those very words sometimes people sponsor people. If that won't work for you don't do it.

I know people that just wouldn't dare do it. I was giving this workshop in Iowa last June and one of the men said when it was his turn to talk, I've never met a woman with whom I didn't become emotionally involved. I don't sponsor women. And I thought, right, you sure better not. So much depends on the situation.

I have had a great many men tell me that they can share feelings with a woman better than with another man. That, they are usually instantly competitive around other men and they aren't with women. I just know that it has worked for me. I've only had it not work one time. I only got in trouble doing it one time and that's because he and I both assumed more recovery on the part of his wife than she had.

I was, married twice as I told you and neither man minded at all. You know, every now and then I have wished that some man who loved me would be just a little bit jealous. Just not pathologically you understand, but just little. No. No man who's ever loved me has been jealous.

I guess he felt terribly secure. Of course, I spent a lot of time assuring them they were. Bob used to laugh and say that I spent hours building up his ego and then balled him out for being egotistical. There was some truth to that and I lived alone for 11 years before my last marriage and I live alone again and there's no one to be bothered by this. I mentioned liking men this morning.

I can do fine in a structured situation. You know teacher, student, or sponsor, sponsored. And and if anything else ever comes up I'm able to say listen we made that decision the day I agreed to be your sponsor and I don't have to say that very often. My children were in for 10 years each and we were talking about this. My son was in his late teens and he was saying, but, you know, when, you share deeply with someone mentally and spiritually and emotionally.

He says, Your body says, Me too. Me too. And I thought that put it very well. I had very gentle and firm guidance with sponsors. If anyone had ever said to me, sit down and shut up, I would never never have gone near him again.

I will not be yelled at and I will not be patronized and I hope he won't either. I, there's a line in our first ODAP book that says the sponsor's job is to soothe the bruised ego. I'm a very good affirmer. I want the people I love to know what their strengths are and I like telling them. It gives me pleasure.

I have a theory that everyone on earth is under praised and under touched and under paid attention to. And, I can't fix it with everybody but I can see to it that the ones who cross my path get some of that. I, praise even when they squirm. I learned here again working with teenagers that if I gripe them out they could handle that. But, if I praise them, oh, their ears got red and, you know, they all but dug their toe in the dirt and went, oh, shucks.

But when my own children were teenagers, they said to me, do it anyway. They really like it and they really need it. They just don't know how to handle it. Well, I find a lot of adults who don't know how to handle it. My mother taught me, I don't know where you all were when this was going on, but I find a lot of mothers didn't do that.

My mother said, you say thank you, and then you think in your mind, and furthermore, if you just knew me, you'd know all these other neat things about me. Well, I can't always think and furthermore, but I can usually say thank you without telling you that you have bad taste and obviously your judgment is defective, which is what we say to people whom we disagree with the praise. In Salado, we have, I don't believe in allergies. My nose just happens to be running. We have about a 100 little shops.

It's a very artsy craftsy little village. And, a couple of years ago, a potter came to town and you can watch her making beautiful. It must be so satisfying for you to do such lovely work. Beautiful. It must be so satisfying for you to do such lovely work.

And she said, oh, well now, sometimes I I can handle it and sometimes it just hits the wrong nerve. And, I said, why don't we talk a minute about accepting praise? Well, my daughter went into another room and pretended she had never seen me before in her life. And I said to the young potter, you know, it takes some courage for me to say that to a total stranger. And your reaction is telling me that I have no taste and no judgment at all.

Well, she said, let me try again, and she stood there with her hands folded very demurely and said, thank you. I said, that's much better. I used to say I was going to be an outrageous old lady and the older I get, the more freedom I feel to be. But, you know, the idea of her, but, well, I mentioned the gentle firm sponsoring. It goes like this.

I can remember saying to my first sponsor out in Odessa early on, well, you know, I have been telling God, and she said, what? And I said, well, I've been telling God this and this. And she said, Blanche, instead of giving him instructions, why don't you just report for duty? Now, that's gentle but firm. Or I mentioned Donna and, I will okay.

I'm I'm telling her what a tough time I'm having about something, and she would say, you know, when I talk like that, I really have to listen for self pity. I can handle that, but don't tell me to get off the pity pot. I don't respond to that. It doesn't take any longer to say it nicely. And most of us are pretty fragile when we're Oh, I'd say a long time after we get here, and in times of crisis after that.

Donna was in Dallas and I was in Salado and instead of scolding me she would say, maybe if we saw each other more often, we wouldn't have so much to try to cover when we were together. Isn't that better than saying, why don't you get yourself up here once in a while? So I I have, I have had good role models for sponsoring. And this is what I tried to do. I was talking to someone last night about I would be so sorry if that were true.

I think some relationships are unique. They are not like any other. Teacher or student is 1. It's not like parent child. It's not buddy buddy.

I never wanted to double date with them on Saturday night. You know, it's, it's its own self. It's not like any other. Well, I believe in a good sponsor sponsor relationship, it is unique. It's not like any other relationship that you have.

You share at a level that most people never reach, and I would not do that if I didn't feel the person was also my friend. I don't always become close friends, but I like I like it when that happens and I tell them sometimes after a while, I warn them, I say, you know, eventually this will become cosponsoring, and in a good relationship it does. Some of them are dedicated to keeping me humble. I am awfully stodgy. I really am.

I'm a real stick in the mud and, therefore, it's a lot of fun for them to puncture my dignity. I, give you a couple of examples. I took a woman I sponsored to one of the internationals with me, and she went around saying to everybody, how much tuition does your sponsor charge? She says, I have to pay them on every Thursday. That's when her cleaning woman comes.

And I'm I'm grabbing her and saying, no. They'll believe you. Don't say that. I have another one who said, don't ever get a teacher for a sponsor. She gives me all these tests and if I don't make a c average, she's going to fire me, you know.

And I have some who I have friends who go with me sometimes when I go places as I brought bridge this time. And once in a while, they will sit on the front row and I don't dare look at them while I'm talking because they'll make me laugh. And, you know, at conventions, people are kind enough to give you a standing ovation. If you could read the telephone directory, and they give you a standing ovation, but not these, They will sit and go So they do not regard me with much awe I can touch. I try to be accessible to these people.

I mentioned that living alone I can be always accessible to them, but I mail my monthly schedule to everyone I sponsor and it says here's where I will be and here's the phone number because I'm gone 2 or 3 weekends a month and I get that out the first of every month. I learned to do that when I went to visit my brother a few years ago and, I went sort of on the spur of the moment. And one of the women I sponsored, her son died of an overdose that weekend and she had no idea how to get hold of me. I could not have prevented it, but I could have been with her, you know. And I it wasn't that I was trying to slip off and no one knew where I was, I don't do that.

But I have been very conscientious since then to make very sure that the people I sponsor know where I am when I'm not at home. One of them says, looking at the schedule, well, you don't have on here when you're going to the grocery store. I tell you that I'll be back home. Unless I have a phone number for out of town, I'll be back home. I think being accessible is important.

I think being reliable is important. Did I do what I say I will do? Teaching American literature, early on in the in the book we learn about, some speeches. You know, in a new country you don't write poetry and novels until you're sure you're going to survive. There's not time for the arts until you know you're going to live.

And so the earliest American literature, aren't you glad you came? Are you taking notes on this? Is, journals and speeches and sermons. Very practical things. And I'm sure you're accustomed to Patrick Henry's give me liberty or give me death speech.

While we were reading it, and there were some things he referred to that I wasn't sure they knew about. At one place he said, we will not be seduced by the song of the sirens. And I said to the kids, where did he get that from? Well most of them knew they had read Ulysses in one of their other classes and they knew that these were the women who sang and tried to lure the ships to the rocks. You remember that?

Well, another place he says, we will not suffer ourselves to be betrayed with a kiss. And I said to the kids, what's he alluding to there? And in one class, I got total silence. And I said, oh, come on. You know, who who was betrayed with a kiss?

Nothing. I said, you are not a bunch of heathen. Now think, who was betrayed with a kiss? And the girl in the front row said, me. I thought I'll bet you were, honey.

She didn't know about Jesus and Judas, but she knew about herself. I, don't want to be unreliable to the people who would be my sponsor. I would not knowingly betray one of them or the confidence, you know? Now this is not vital to your soul's salvation, but it is something I was taught about sponsoring that I believe. I will not tell you whom I sponsor.

They're free to tell you. But I don't do that because, they're not existing as an extension of my ego. So I don't tell you how many, and I don't tell you who they are, and they're free to tell you or not as they want to do. I learned that from Arbutus, 1st year or 2 in the program. Some questions that come up, can you have more than one sponsor?

Well, not if I'm one of them, you can't. Except for dual members. Now, when I sponsor a dual member, I try to see to it that he or she has an AA sponsor too. And you should hear us sometimes tossing this person around like a hot potato. I will say, I really think that is your other illness.

And the A sponsor will say, I really think that is an alanine issue. Why don't you talk to Blanche about it? I couldn't even do team teaching, I certainly could not do dual sponsoring. But other than with with dual members, I don't do that. Now, not everyone we talk to has to have the title of sponsor.

I talk to many, many, many, many people whose sponsor I am not, you know? And if the person I am sponsoring hits a situation that I've had no experience with, I try to find someone who has had experience with that and say, let's go talk to whoever. But I always tell them, if you hear anything that conflicts with what I've told you, let's talk about it, you know, because, people don't always hear accurately. I was telling someone a while ago that I get misquoted, you wouldn't believe the things people tell me I said. I'm so grateful for tapes because I can say, let's listen to the tape and see if that's really what I said.

I am sometimes a little jealous when they can hear someone and they couldn't hear me. Did that happen with your children? Mhmm. And it did with mine too. There was a man with whom I was working, and I had said everything that we know to say for 2 or 3 years, and he called me one day and said, you know what I heard?

I heard that we could say to to a new person, hey, you don't have to live this way anymore. And I thought, if I had a nickel for every time I had said that to him. But he didn't hear me but finally, he heard somebody say it. Now, that time I was alright. That time I said, oh, that is good.

I'll remember that. But, later on in Austin, there was a man who was in an impossible crazy marriage. It's not my prerogative to say go or stay. But when you wanted feedback I would always say, if you feel you have to leave, you don't have to feel guilty. Even a robot has a built in survival system.

You're allowed to save your own life, you know? I said, I can't tell you how many times I said it. Now, this is one of the ones that I urged to get professional help and he did. And he went to a man in Austin who is just a superb therapist. And then he called me after his first session and he said, you know what he told me?

He told me that if I have to leave, I don't have to feel guilty. Well, that's one of those times, like with the village potter. And, I said, see, I am so good at sarcasm. I mean, it is a shame to have a God given talent and not be allowed to use it. I am just superb with it.

I said, oh, wow. You would have thought that once in 3 years I might have thought of that. He said, oh, Blanche, don't be that way. I guess I had to hear it from a professional. And I said, you show them this pig, you had to hear it from a man.

That's what you're asking. And, I was off and running. People I sponsor have to tolerate the times I sort of step outside my program for a few minutes. 1 of my dual members was, talking about her alcoholic husband and I wanted to say, but I didn't. I, remembering the things she had told me about herself, I said, you don't like it when it happens to you, do you?

You know. And she said, no and that isn't a particularly helpful remark Blanche at this point. So, I tried to say something a little more helpful. Helpful. Can you fire a sponsor?

Oh, yes. I've been fired any number of times. The, one that bothered me most was the kid who told me he needed a younger sponsor. I wanted a backhanding but, my sponsor at that time would laugh and say to me, you mean he didn't know who you are? And I was like, right.

I have to be aware of that that syndrome too. Can you resign as a sponsor? Oh, yes. I've resigned any number of times. See, I'm either your sponsor or I'm not.

It's like being a little bit pregnant. I can't be a little bit your sponsor. And if I am, there are certain things we do and we do together and you do, and if that isn't in existence, then I believe in closure. Now, this may be the, you know, the psychology, but, I believe it's very important. And, my husband, Bob, more or less sponsored 20 or 25 people once in a while if if they drifted into his life, that would have driven me crazy, but it worked for him.

So, I'm telling you what has worked for me. If if they drifted into his life now I would have driven me crazy but it worked for him so I'm telling you what has worked for me. I I like structure and I like things to be definite, and I don't just take on someone else or dismiss someone else. I talk to them or I write a note or whatever. And what I have said in talking or writing the note is this, I believe you would be happier with a more casual sponsor, and I don't add, and there are plenty of those around, I don't know how to do anything casually, much less sponsor.

And, I'm too intense for some people. And I believe, I really do, that casual sponsoring works best with some people, but I don't know how to do it that way. So best they find someone who does. Does that make sense to you? Okay.

For instance, if you don't work the steps after our agreement, then I have to tell you you'd be happier with a more casual sponsor. I say let's redefine our relationship. Let's call it friendship instead of sponsoring and sponsoring. I can only work with 1 newcomer at a time and for 2 or 3 years then I don't take on another newcomer. You know?

I, I mentioned out of town sponsors. Sometimes that works. I think it works after a while. I sponsor 3 people who don't live near me and then 2 who are still in Austin. And when I moved to, I said, if you don't want an out of town sponsor, I'll understand.

And they decided that we would get together one way or another, and we do. I think it works better now with faxes and computers and phones than it did 30 years ago when I first started. Let me see what else I wanted to tell you. I try to remember that God is the source and people are the channels, and it's alright for me to love the channel if I remember the source. I, I try very hard with the people I sponsor to remind them that I am not the source and that I am just a channel.

I get letters you wouldn't believe. I get, extravagant letters. I don't know if everyone who does any speaking has this happened or not. I get 4 or 5 letters a day and sometimes there are just people who want to say thank you and I think that's charming and I love it and I enjoy that But, sometimes you would think I was the dear Abby of Al Anon. They have questions like, what does Al Anon teach about bisexuality?

Al Anon says if you have a sex problem, go to a professional. That's what it said. And sometimes they're, what should my group do about and I'll you know. But I got a long letter once I was still in Odessa when this happened a woman in California and I can remember it pretty well but I don't have time, it was 4 typewritten pages. See people think I save their lives, and I try to say, no, I'm the channel.

You know, I'm the source. And then I sometimes think people saved mine, and so I have to remember that too. My son was home in that particular letter came in when I showed it to him and I said you know I never know how to respond to this And, he read it and he handed it back to me. And he said, well, mother, she didn't know anyone else to thank, but you do, don't you? So when I can remember to channel it back up to where it came from then I'm not likely to get to believing, you know, my own publicity.

And I think it's good for her to say thank you. I know that's good for her recovery. It just sometimes gets to be a bit extravagant. I pray for guidance, I ask God to translate what I say into words that these people can understand, and I ask him to do it retroactively when I realize I've said something that wasn't at all what I meant to say. I really ask him to please remove from the memory of anyone else something I said that was hurtful because, there's a whole motto that doctors use and if I'd known I was going to quote it as much as I do, I would have memorized the Latin.

But it translates, first of all, do no harm. And it was a prayer I uttered every morning of my life before I went into a classroom. If I can't help them at least don't let me hurt one of them, you know? You were just restless this morning. I'm sorry.

I'm just a little distracted. I hope I haven't hurt one of them, even the times that I couldn't help. Don't sponsor unless you can handle rejection because they will be angry with you. Now, I can listen to your anger at your husband or wife or boss, and it doesn't bother me. But as my recovery has inched along I am able to listen to you when you're angry with me.

I don't retaliate and I don't go away and you know I learned that from people who let me be angry with them. That isn't that how we learn it? Someone treats us that way and they, they didn't feel they had to defend themselves or explain. And, I'm a whole lot better than than I used to be because they do get angry. I tell them if there's ever a conflict between our friendship and their recovery that their recovery comes first.

And so far I haven't had to give up one of the friendships, but I would if that's what it takes. See, we don't get healthy behavior from sick people, and I keep expecting it. That includes from ourselves. I try to give myself permission to have relapses too. I'm pretty good, thanks to you, at detaching.

I can be involved, but not entangled. And if you can't be, that's, that's something I would urge. Was it something I said Doyle? I especially needed this counseling at school. Any number of people would say to me, I don't know how you can do your job.

I don't even sleep at night after listening to those problems all day. Well, because I I could love the person and detach from the problem, and you taught me that. So I was grateful I could do that too. Detachment does not mean disinterest. You know that.

It's, that's another whole speech and another whole topic is detachment. But I've learned not to rush in and rescue, to let them experience the consequences of their decisions. And I have said to some people I sponsor who are doing dumb things. I, of course, never do dumb things. I have said, all right, if you do that one more time, don't come to me.

I'm not gonna help you pick up the pieces. And they always say, yes, you will. They know me so well, you know. Of course I will. I have told parents for 30 years in working with youngsters, you don't spoil a kid by giving him things.

You don't spoil him by loving him. You spoil him by protecting him from the consequences of his behavior. Why don't we let him see that this many zeros means he fails? Well, they were horrified, but we can't let him fail. I said, oh, yeah.

We really can, you know. It can be done, and I have to do that with the people I sponsor too. I am not implying that they are children. I'm just saying that they need to make their own decisions and live with the consequences. I have a lot of failings as a sponsor and one of them is overkill.

I want to teach them everything I know at once. That's what I've done with you today too and I have to watch it all the time. I have to be willing with them to repeat and repeat and repeat, and here again teaching comes in handy because I'm used to having to do that. A lot of us don't hear it the first time, that's why I listen to tapes over and over. Do you do that?

Do you hear something different every time that you do? I said that I try not to protect them from my bad days unless they're really you. I try not to. I figure if I share my pain with them then they know it's okay for them to hurt, but for years I didn't do that. For years I was wise and wonderful regardless, and that'll kill you and, I don't recommend it, but one way to avoid a cult forming is to let them know when you're hurting.