12-step spiritual retreat in Santa Fe, NM

My sponsor just says, no. You keep going. You start showing up there your grandma. My grandma said, why don't you come by once a week and I'll cook you a nice healthy meal? You know, you you know, a guy like you, you need a nice healthy meal at least once a week.

And healthy meal to her was like tons of gravy and a big huge chunk of meat, you know, and and, and potatoes, you know, this is like the, you know, health food. And so she wanted me to come get some healthy food once a week. And so my son he show up there and do it. And I started showing up at my grandparents house. My grandfather would stay in the den and he wouldn't even come out.

Wouldn't even come out. And I did that for a while and I told I told my yeah. He's not coming out. He's not talking to me. I think I I should just kinda not push this deal.

No. No. You keep showing up. And I would continue to show up at his house. And eventually, he wouldn't come out when I first got there, but eventually, he started coming out at dinner time.

And one of the things that I realized is that I kinda held some things against my grandfather and and, and my sponsor asked him some of those same kind of questions. Well, what was his childhood like, Kenny? Oh, I don't know. Well, why don't you know? I I think, well, I don't I'm not sure I don't know.

He said, well, I know why you don't know. You don't know because you don't care. That's why you don't know. You only care about yourself. Oh, jeez.

You know? So well, when you're having dinner with your grandfather, why don't you ask him a little bit about his life? Ask him where he grew up, what's his childhood like. And I found out that his father was a really abusive guy. And, I found out about what the depression was like.

I found asked him, you know, what was World War 2 like? What was that what was that all about? I heard all kinds of stories. He and his friends. Now, he'd lost, you know, an uncle that was lost in the war that I didn't know about.

And I asked him, you know, well, just good questions. You know, I just think about it and I'd say, well, did you ever think we were gonna lose the war? And he was like, oh, that's a good question. He said, it was odd that I I don't ever remember anybody even talking about that. We just kinda knew, you know?

And I kinda started getting a picture of what this guy's life was like and the depression and kinda how he got to be this guy that was just kinda to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Because guys like me back in his day would've never survived. You know, I mean, you just, you know, you needed to you know, I wasn't I wasn't tough enough for what those guys had. You know, I needed the pampering and the little oh, we'll give you a little cod over here. We'll nurse you back to health over here and, you know, we'll pick you back.

Oh, we'll loan you a little money and and free food everywhere. And, you know, did and and so I kinda got this great picture of my grandfather and we talked. And there was a time I couldn't make it and I called and I talked to my grandmother and and said, hey. I can't make it this week. And she didn't say anything to my grandfather about I wasn't coming over on this Monday night.

And, and I came the next week, and my grandmother said, you know what? Your grandfather was waiting for you last week. He was like, where's Kenny? Oh, he's not coming over tonight. Oh, that's too bad.

And he was enjoying our conversation. And and I and it was maybe a year or so into that deal, I was able actually to make the amends to him. And then he was we talk about all kinds of stuff. I've got back into the same business working on boats and I still do that for a living today. I work for a commercial fishing company and I work in management.

I don't go out on the boats anymore. But, still do that same thing for a living that that, you know, he took me under his wing and taught me all that stuff all those years ago. And and, and, you know, my grandfather got sick. He actually drove to my house to tell me in person. He called me up and said, there's something I need to talk to you about.

Came over and, you know, just didn't kinda his hard hardcore way. He just, well, whatever. They found a little spot on my lung, and he was a chain smoker and worked around asbestos for years in the shipyards and that kind of stuff. And, he said, well, I found a little spot on my lung and whatever will be will be, but I wanna drive over here and tell you myself. And, and he started getting sick and he needed to move into a smaller place.

He was a guy that always worked with his hands. And, and this was a family that I hid from from years. I did not want them even to have my address for fear they would drive by and see what kind of squalor I was living in. And, you know, and and when he moved into a small apartment because he couldn't, you know, he and my grandmother couldn't maintain this, I had just bought my first house. And I had a garage there and he would come and tinker in the garage and leave his tools there.

And he set up a little smoker, started smoking salmon at my house. And and he was around all the time. And he had keys to my house and it was a it was a beautiful thing because there wasn't a thing in my house that I would be afraid for that man to see. Nothing. And it was just a really great deal.

And when he did get get sick you know, I visited him in the hospital many times and he did pass away and and, you know, I promised him that I would would take care of my grandma and I continued until my grandma died. I continued going over there once a week for for the meals and getting the health food and and, his best friend in life came to see him. And I always thought this guy was my uncle when I was growing up. I always he was always introduced as I just thought he was my uncle. But as it turned out, he wasn't my uncle at all.

He was my grandfather's best friend. But he was part of the family when I was growing up. And he came to see my grandfather. They were the same age and it was just 2 old guys saying goodbye to each other. And, and he called me at my work and said, hey, I've just come from seeing your grandfather and I'd like to come have lunch with you.

And I said, well, that'd be great. So he came to my work. We went out to lunch and he said, you know, I was visiting your grandfather today and I'd really like to get to know you because your grandfather told me that he considers you an extension of himself. That's an amends, isn't it? From a guy that didn't wanna even come to see me telling his best friend that I consider Kenny an extension of myself.

And, you know, it didn't happen overnight. And I'm really, have softened, I think, in the immense process a bit that, I don't think I mean, maybe there is such a thing for some people as finishing amends, but it's not an idea that I particularly am fond of these days because, just for myself, it was a message that was kind of a little little harsh for me. And I told you I quit working on those boats and I didn't get sober for 3 years. Well, during that 3 years, I don't remember a lot of stuff that I did but I can stand here honestly and tell you that I did something every day during that 3 years that I own a men's for. And a lot of it, I don't remember.

I all I sponsored a guy that did these cross country crime sprees and he went from one end from the West Coast to the East Coast and from the East Coast to the West Coast and from the West Coast to the East Coast. And it was a crime sprees all the way across the country the whole way and he did that stuff for years. And the idea that, finishing amends, you I think it's really become kinda none of my business. I currently, as I sit here today with you all, I don't have any cards. You know, I did get through all of my cards and it took years for me to do that.

I had a lot of financial amends. I, you know what? I had a lot of criminal amends. There was a lot of stuff I couldn't completely take care of and I I had a family by this time. There was some things that I had to consider my family on.

You know, there were some things that I had to talk to my wife about. There's some things that I didn't even need to talk to anybody about. I just knew the answer would be no. You're not doing that. You know, we need you here.

We don't need you in the penitentiary right now. There's and and so I've had to find some other vehicles to take care of some of these things. I, some, you know, some ways to you know, I had money that didn't belong to me, and I had to find ways to get that back into the hands of of of the spirit. And so I've donated a lot of money. I've made some direct demands.

Don't get me wrong. You know, I made a direct demands to a dentist office that I that I ripped off. And that was kind of an intuitive thought. I just was a place that I kept going by and going by and going by and I finally decided I needed to call the guy and it was a great amends. I've made an amends and went knocked on the door of a house that I burglarized.

I've went to all of the stores that I shoplifted from that I could remember. Every one of them that I could remember, I have called and I was instructed to call, make an appointment with the manager because this guy's a busy guy and he doesn't want you just walking in in the middle of his day. You know, call and explain, get an appointment with the guy and go in and make the amends and take some money with you. And, and so I have done those amends but there's a lot of these other amends. I I absolutely don't remember some things, you know, and and, but I know I own amends.

So it's none of my business really when this gets I suppose someday it'll get to a place where it's gonna be, I could call it tithing instead of calling it amends. I suppose it might get to a place where I would call it, where I might call it, a desirable way of life instead of amends. Just this idea of, you know, that that, you know, the the this giving is a part of receiving that, you know, that both hands need to be open to idea. Maybe that'll stop being amends for a while, but I really look at amends now as a way of life. I think this is a deal that's gonna be a lifelong lifelong journey for me.

And I've, just recently in the last year, I came up with 2 amends at 17 years sober that I totally forgot about. 2 amends. I was I took my daughter to a train to go down and see her grandmother, my mom. And, and I was in a store where the train was late. We were downtown.

They were like, oh, the train's not gonna be here for 3 hours. So we went and checked out this little store and I was in the store with my daughter and I remember, my god, I used to shoplift here as a kid. We used to take the bus down down just to shoplift at this store because it was so easy. And I had totally forgot about ever doing that. And so I I, got back and I wrote a letter to the guy and and asked I called at one time and no, the owners weren't available.

Owners weren't available. So I wrote a letter, but you can write them a letter. I explained the situation. I sent this letter, and I got a I live with my phone number and stuff and the guy ended up calling me back and I was able to take care of that amends. And it was just one of those ones I had never remembered.

And I had another amends. The owner of that that company that I worked for that put me through treatment twice was a family business. And I made direct amends to him, but I never made amends to his son, who was really an owner in the company. I mean, he was kinda being groomed to take the company over, and he didn't because of his own drug problems. But, but, you know, I made amends of but I never made amends to the son.

And I was having a conversation in in business and somebody said, oh, have you ever seen old Steve so and so? And I said, oh, man. I hadn't even thought about him for a long time. And And, but, you know, I absolutely owed that guy an amends. I mean, he was he was, you know, one of the family members that kept me on and helped me out many times.

There were several times that guy loaned me money out of his own pocket. And, and I was able to to think about that. I hadn't seen this guy in the whole time I'd been sober. Hadn't seen him one time. 17 years hadn't seen this guy one time.

And I thought, well, I made 2 cards on. I made one card out for that for the yield curiosity shop, that store, and I made one card out for Steve s, this guy that I used to work for. I went and made that amends at the Curiosity Shop. I was at this little remote airport out in the Aleutian Islands up in Alaska, which is way way it's a little this piece that comes way out in the middle of nowhere. I'm out in this middle of this deal in this little tiny airport.

And who do you think I see at that airport? Steve. First time in 17 years, I'd had that card made out for probably 2 weeks And I run into Steven. That's the way that whole deal has gone. I would actually like to to to open it up for a few minutes here.

It's it's actually, it's 2:30. I guess we'll go maybe about 5 or 10 more minutes and just kinda questions and comments and and we'll kinda, talk a little bit more. Ask people can ask questions about amends or make comments about amends or, and we'll try to take, so with that Yeah. Anybody? Yeah.

Erica. Erica, I've got the microphone here. Thanks. I'm Erica. I'm alcoholic.

Hi, Erica. I just I had to share this because when we were having lunch, I was, sharing with Kenny that during the meditation that this place that I went to was some place that I used to go in college. And I have never gone there in a meditation before, and I was really surprised because of the way that the air smelled, and it was a fall day. And I was walking from campus to the music hall at Bennington College, where I went to college. And, you know, I'm starting to make my amends.

I thought I had made my amends, and slowly but slowly, more of them are coming to me, and the biggest ones are coming around finding that I am not the same person that I used to be, and that the way that I used to make decisions is really frightening, to me, that I was that person. I don't know how I made decisions, but it's certainly not the way I do it now. And, when I was coming back from lunch, I went to check my messages, and my first true love from college called me and left me a message. I haven't spoken to him in about 30 years. And I owed him an amend.

And, I I don't know how he found me. He called me to tell me that someone that I know died. And so here's why I'm saying this is because, you know, this morning, like most mornings, I asked God to show me that you're there. I just need some evidence today that you're taking care of me, and that's what I needed. And, you know, I've been praying to become willing, to be willing to make amends.

And all of a sudden, I find myself extremely willing. I called him back right away because I knew I couldn't be here and be present without doing that. And both of us just cried, and it was extraordinary. That's all. Somebody could flip that switch off.

That microphone need to go to anybody else? Can you pass the microphone over here this way? Tom, an alcoholic. Oh, god. Kenny, if you if you would just, clarify one piece.

When I when I first got sober, and this may just be my perception. I don't think it was, but I used to hear in the rooms of AA that if ever the someone did mention the 9th step, which is very, very rare in meetings I would go to, but, inevitably, someone would say, well, you know, the step reads, except when to do so would injure them or others, and my sponsor told me I'm others, so if it's gonna hurt me, I don't make the amends. Amends. Yeah. And I I heard that, and I thought, well, every amends that I was gonna make would hurt me, so I I don't have to make them.

And I remember I was I I've been doing the work for a while, and I was I was leading a meeting, at our club in Santa Fe, and I shared, that my topic was, does not finishing my amends have anything to do with whether I stay sober or not? Because I always want you to put out a topic. That was my topic after I'd shared for a while. And an old timer, a guy with a lot, a lot of years, who's kind of a high profile guy, said in the meeting, he said, well, he said, you gotta watch out for some of these sponsors because they'll have you going to jail, and our book says we don't go to jail. And it and it sounded like fingernails on the blackboard, but I didn't have what it took at, you know, 8 years sober to to contradict a guy.

I had, like, 30 years sober or something like that. But, when I read the big book, it says we have to be willing to go to jail Yes. But we don't rush off to jail and leave our family to start. But could you kind of elaborate on that a little bit? I think it's I think it needs clarification.

Yeah. I appreciate that. I think you're right. It probably does. You know, our our book is very clear that when dealing with these things that that we are not others.

I think that's very clear because it ends up saying, you know, no matter what the price, we have to be willing. And and it does tell us, you know, in several places that and I warn people about this because and I work with a lot of people that have some heavy duty amends, that we don't fall on the sword in amends. They tell us that in the book. Oh, it would be really, I don't remember what the word they use. It would have been really great if he would have just went to the courts and said, here I am.

And this is the example they give in the big book. But, but they said, no. We thought maybe we'd handle it a little bit different way. We had him actually talk to his wife. And and there is an amends of a guy that actually goes forward in the church and admits all this stuff, but he got permission from his wife first that that this was okay.

And then he went and got a permission from his business partner first. The mother of my daughter was with me when I was making my first round of amends. One of the amends I needed to make was to that family that I had, you know, done all that damage to that had employed me for all those years. And they had actually just hired me back. They hired me back about 6 months sober, and they always said they would.

They said, listen. If you ever get your act together, you know, you can come back here, but just don't come around here and tell then. So about 6 months sober, I went back and they said, Well, we can't give you your old job back. We can't really pay you what we were paying you before, but we can keep you busy around the yard. You're just cleaning up and working a little doing a little stuff on the boats.

And so I wasn't gonna be a chief engineer. I was gonna be just kind of a yard guy and hourly and but oh, yeah. I was happy to take it And, and she was pregnant so I had to get her permission. I wanted to make amends to those guys but I thought if I make amends to him and tell him that I was the guy that robbed the medical chest off the boat, I was the guy that stole all that scrap metal. You know, because I would sell the scrap metal out of the scrap metal bins for cash and then I would never the cash would somehow never make it.

Made it to the the dope dealer, but it never really made it to the, you know, the front office. And, and I did that a whole bunch of times. So I owed these guys a considerable amount of money and I came with a total, and I got permission from her first. And she knew what I was up against it. She knew I was in the search for freedom.

And she said, well, if you lose your job, you lose your job. And I didn't. I made that amends to those people. And, and and, you know, I I had very little money. I was gonna say, hey.

Can you maybe take some out of my check or do something? And the guy actually ended up saying that that, he ended up saying that, you know, hey. I have 1,000,000 of dollars and and, you know, I don't wanna take your money. I really don't. And I'm just glad that you came here.

And he said, probably the person just intuitively, he said, you know, probably the person that you really need to make amends to is your family. And just, he was just a great guy. He did ask me a lot of questions about alcoholism and drug addiction because he said, I think my son has a has a problem in that area and his son did and I knew it. You know, his son had a big big problem. The same guy that I made the immense to up in Alaska.

But, you know, I was able to kinda help him out a little bit with his son but, you know, that's an important thing. If somebody comes to me with a crime, and I and I I'm I'm dealing with a guy right now on this deal that, destroyed some personal property, but it's to the tune of a huge amount of money. And I've told him you have a right to defend yourself even when you're guilty that's the way things are here. You know we have a set of laws that allows you to to mitigate the damages even if you're guilty. We don't fall on the sword so I've had him go find an attorney first and then he's gonna find out really get all the information on exactly what the story is here and then talk to his family about it.

And I give that advice to a lot of people, you know, to go find an attorney if you want advice on how to set this deal right. Make sure you're talking under privileged conversations here, and then just tell them what it is you've done. So those are that that I hope that clarifies it a little bit. We do seek permission. We do make sure that it's not gonna harm others.

Oftentimes it doesn't serve a good purpose to and in the book tells us this, you know, that it's not gonna serve a good purpose for this guy to sit in jail because he won't be able to pay his alimony if he's doing so. For him to go sit in jail would hurt his kids and that's a story directly out of the big book. Wouldn't work for him. It's gonna harm his children if he goes sit in jail. So he had to find a different way to make this amends.

So didn't mean he didn't have to pay the money back. Just meaning he needed to find a way where you could get that money to the hands of his ex without going to jail. So yeah. Tony, do you have a question? Comment?

My name is Tony. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Tony. Hi, Tony. Thank you.

And the 2 things I wanted to just share an ex couple of experiences, the first experience, I, I'm, I'm also a recovered drug addict. I'm an alcoholic, and I I kinda just don't remember a lot of stuff. And, I have a lot of cards. I had quite a few cards of people. I actually even remembered their names.

You know, like, I remembered their first name and, and I kept those cards. I I mean, I have no idea where to find them. I have no idea, like, any of that, but I kept the cards and, the one thing I got asked to do this time is that, and I think we got it from Don, is that to sit in readiness and in prayer and envision these people like they're there, like they're there, and do the amends. Just do it, like, right there with God and say, you know what? Here's the deal.

And and lay it all on the table and whatever that amends is, specifically that I make that amends to God, to the spirit, and to, you know, and if there's any money, that money's the money's always gotta go somewhere, in my experience. And if people won't take money, would if you insist on it, it's been my experience if you would tell them, listen, it has to go somewhere. It can either go to you or to charity, you can pick the charity, whatever, you know, and, they seem to be more willing to take it that way, but, so I I got that instruction this time because I've been holding on to those cards. I've been holding on to them and, like, you know, like, listen, I really wanna make these amendments. I'm ready to I'm willing and if I ever see these people anywhere, I mean, and that's, I'm willing to make that right.

I'm willing to do whatever it takes. And the second story is that, my family, my sister, she, I went and made amends to my family, my immediate family, and, my stepdad, and my sister, and my brother. And I my mother didn't wanna see me, but I wrote her a letter. And And I went to go see my sister and she was she freaked out. She yelled at me.

She swore at me. She says, I don't wanna hear those dang amends and blah blah blah. And I said, okay. Fine. I won't tell you, you know.

I don't need to. But I kept calling, and I kept sending the cards, and I kept, you know, just doing this thing. And, you know, last week, she called me on the way. I was going to Denver, and, know, she's got she may have cancer, you know, the of the uterus. And, you know, we just talked for a while.

It was like and I have, just tried to be a good brother today. And, we had the best conversation I've ever had. And I said, you know, I really wanna talk to you for a minute. And she's like, you're not gonna wake make one of those amends, are you? And I said, no.

I'm not gonna do that. And it's real obvious you don't wanna hear it, you know. But I just said, you know, I really like hearing from you. I love you, and I appreciate it. And I wanted, you know, to be in your life if you're willing to do that.

You know, I don't know. But it was, I felt free, though. I felt free. I felt like there was no, wait, on it anymore for me with my family, with with her specifically. And, Yeah.

I mean, I think that's all because of the immense process, and there was a lot a lot lot lot more immense. But, anyway, that's it. Thanks. Thanks, Tony. I think we'll, we'll kinda wrap up.

We've been sitting, I think, a little maybe a little more than an hour now. It's probably a good time. I will say this that, one of the things I did and I didn't mention that in this mends and and we we can't hit on every little thing but but Tony kind of brought up the thought for me. Is there, you know, there's the the deal that says there are some people that cannot be seen. That includes people that have died, people that we can't find, people that we don't remember, Those kind of things.

I had some cards that were just like, you know, the guy from Milwaukee. You know, I mean, I didn't I just knew that I'd burned this guy, but I had no idea. And, you know, I wrote a lot a lot a lot of honest letters. And and, and I used to take them to a I would just, like, put, like, the guy from Milwaukee on the envelope, and there'd be a letter. But I included all those things in it.

I did that same thing Tony talked about. I tried to envision that person in my mind's eye and and tried to envision myself saying those things, and I would write all that stuff out, what I've done. If there was any way that we could ever come in contact, I'd make this amends in person, that if I ever see you, I stand ready to do this, That if you if there's anything I need to do to make this right I'd pray that God would make me aware of those things. All that stuff and I put it all in a letter form, and I would put in the envelope and I would seal it away. And I used to put it in a post office box, and then I told somebody what I was doing and they said, well, now you owe the US post office an immense because when a postman finds something like that he can't just throw it away.

He's got a whole procedure and paperwork he's got to do for that piece of mail. So, I quit doing that, and I started just throwing those in the in the recycling and I and but I actually have a belief in that. I mean, I actually do, have a belief that in the spiritual world when I really do that and I think about that person that it's, you know, I don't think it's a remote possibility. I think there's a possibility that at that moment that I mail that thing off and that I send that, that that person has the thought, you know, I think I'm done being mad at Kenny. I think I'll let that one go.

You know, I really do think some of this stuff does take care of it, but it does talk about writing the honest letters. And and I wrote dozens and dozens and dozens of them for this kind of stuff. So, you know, there I haven't come across an amends yet. I really haven't. I've had some where I had to tell, well, listen.

Let me think about this and get back to you. I've had a lot of those, but I haven't had an amends yet that I can't that where it's just kind of well, there's no way to make an amends for that. There's always some action to be taken to help to, restore some balance to the book. So, yeah, Tom. Question, how about graveside amends?

Do you have any experience with that? I do. I made several like that. You know, I had a a really good friend, one of my best friends that died of a heroin overdose, and and I always felt really horrible about that. And the last conversation he and I ever had was a conversation about, you know, he was in AA for a while and got sober.

And then I was in AA and he what we never were and we last conversation we had with each other was it was, I was sober and he wasn't and and the conversation was, man, wouldn't that have been nice if we could have just had a little bit of time where we were both sober at the same time? It would have been really nice. And went to the place where his service was. And and I also, you know, I have a belief in the spiritual life that, you know, I made that amends to Jim and I I made my amends and I clearly, you know, heard him. I wrote the letter.

I read the letter to him and and I clearly heard him saying that he was in a better place and that he was glad I was clean and sober. And I had several of those kinds of intuitive thoughts. A guy that I sponsored died, and I'll I'll I'll I'll, I'll tell you more about that story. But a guy that I in the 12 steps it's a really powerful story. I'll tell you, tomorrow morning.

This guy's name was Gary, and he died while I was sponsoring him. And And, and, you know, I had some amends to make there. I had had done some things in sponsorship that weren't really very kind, And, and I felt horrible about it. And, and I went and did a graveside amends with Gary. I did a graveside amends with my stepfather.

My stepfather, I told you about, and I had some amends to make there. And they were very, very powerful amends. And I I treat those in that light if some people cannot be seen with them. We write the honest letter and take that letter to a place, and and I'd encourage everybody to to do that, you know, to if you have those kind of amends, write the letter and go to the grave. And and and of course, a lot of people don't use graves these days.

But go to a place where you remember the person or that was a special place to that person or, place and and make those amends because those are glad you brought that up, some of the most powerful experiences I've had is the making the amends and reading the letter. But the the really powerful thing is the listening. That's the big powerful part of amends, but the listening part. I mean, you will be amazed at what will happen if you'll put yourself out there in the spiritual life a little bit. It's really cool.

So, yeah. So, we'll go ahead and stop the the burning portion of this, and we will stay for a second, and, talk group conscious just for a second. Okay. Welcome back, everybody. We're gonna have one more session here today tonight, and, and then we'll have an open AA meeting tonight as we talked about.

And then we're going to have a couple of sessions tomorrow morning. We'll end by 11:30 or so. And, we'll have I think we'll start again tomorrow morning around 9 o'clock. And tomorrow is gonna be entirely devoted to step 12, and and so we're really doing good. What we wanna talk about here in this session that we have, and we'll do our very best not to make this a really long drawn out session.

So I'm gonna get to some points. The stuff that's up on the board, you can kinda allow it to make you a little nervous right now, but you don't have to worry about it too much. And we'll get to it eventually. But this says, sex, security, and society, and these are kind of this is kind of some, 12 and 12 woo woo stuff that we're gonna get to just because I thought for this group, it'd be something that's a little different than than and and it might be kind of something fun. So we're just gonna approach it from that standpoint.

One of the things that that, you know, was kind of a real focus point for for Bill at the time of his life when when he wrote that book was that, you know, a big part of the problems that alcoholics have, outside of of drinking, and I I I would guess this is true for Al Anon's too, is this idea of kind of these God given instincts gone awry. That we're we're, you know, we have a God given instinct for sex. And we have a God given instinct for security, which means that, you know, there's a god given thing that, that we'd have a home, some friendship, certain amount of money, these kind of things because if you don't, you'll freeze to death. You know what I mean? It's a God given thing.

Society is we have a God given instinct to kinda circle up and to get with a group of people. People will kind of find, groups of people to join and join in community with and I can say for myself is that well into sobriety, demanding way more than my fair share of these things. And this is really this idea that that Bill had that we always want more than our fair share of these God given instincts. I want more of my fair share of sex, security, and society. And those are kind of the three things that he and he actually calls it in a 12 and 12 he calls this last one society, he calls that prestige.

And, he uses both words, but prestige uses primary. I kinda like when he uses the society word for these instincts, but prestige and he kind of gets into that. So we're gonna look at some of this stuff from this avenue of of the the 10th step being the step where we continue to take personal inventory when we're wrong, promptly admitted. We're gonna look at some of the beautiful things that the big book has to say about step 10 and 11. And we're gonna look at this outline as a way to kinda write some additional inventory maybe after you've been sober for a while and after you've gone through the steps.

You've you've had come out the other side. Maybe there's a few more things that you can look at in your life that will be helpful. If this is helpful for you and you can write it down, then that's great. I wanna make something really, really clear here that I absolutely believe, and that's it. When we sit down with a new person, we take them back to the foundation, which is the big book.

You know, that was the and I said this Friday Friday night, it's the grandmother of all 12 step material. It doesn't matter what fellowship you're in. You know, this is where we we start. So when a new guy comes to me, we don't do any of this. We don't do anything else.

I'm doing this because this group is maybe ready for it, and it's gonna be something a little different and fun. And the and the 10 step directs us to do these kinds of things in the big book, and I'll show you where I get this idea from. But, we're gonna open the book up a little bit. We'll we'll look at page 84. If you don't have your book, you know, I'll, but it talks about that after step 9, it says, we vigorously commence this way of living.

This is about the middle of the page as we clean as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the spirit. As I'm making amends, I've done this. Remember, we're headed for the spirits awakening as well as the sepsis. We've entered the world of the spirit.

You don't enter the world of spirit 3 after you get through the stuff and you're starting to make amends. And that was definitely my experience that in step, in step 10, you know, I had entered the world of the spirit. My life was different. I was on different terms. And they kinda give us some of these promises down at the bottom of 84 and 85 that we you know, I think this is pretty common stuff and most people read this or you you don't get to be around a very long.

Hopefully, before you hear some of these 10 step promises because they're as beautiful or more powerful, a lot of people think than than any of the promises in the book. And that's the the at the bottom of 84, and we have ceased fighting anything or anyone even alcohol for by this time, sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor if tempted we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we'll find that this has happened automatically. We'll see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part.

It just comes. That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither we are are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we've been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protect. We had not even sworn off.

Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react.

So long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. And then it parlays into this idea that it says it's easy to get in that place and rest on our laurels and if we do, we are headed for trouble because alcohol is a subtle foe and that insanity of alcohol can return. So we're we've really got here, it says, is we've got this daily reprieve. We are not cured of alcoholism. I'm in the middle of 85 now.

What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. And then here's a sentence that I wanna really use as kind of our focus for this session here. Every day is a day we must carry the vision of God's will into all our activities. How best can I serve thee? Thy will not mine be done.