12-step spiritual retreat in Santa Fe, NM

Time I'd ever had sex or the 1st relationship I'd ever had, and all the way to the week forward, I could start now and go backwards, whatever I wanted, but they wanted it all. And and, and I I listed that. And in my own experience, you know, was I probably could have listed that on a on a cocktail napkin, but, but some people have a, you know, some people have a, a longer list. And I've I've I've worked with people that and we'll talk about this a little more in the in the 10th 11th step. But as sponsors in AA, you know, this causes people a lot of problems.

And it may, maybe, they would have been better to call this, resent or relationship inventory than a sex inventory because it's really more about relationships than it is the act of sex, not that we don't have sex problems. It says, it says in here we all have sex problems. All of us. So I won't ask for a show of hands, but, you know, if there was somebody that didn't have sex problems, you know, they would be an anomaly because he experienced the people that wrote the book. And my experience is that we, Oh, Tony doesn't.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And they're really dealing with with relationships here. And and so I wrote all of this stuff out.

But as sponsors, which is where this deal is going, you know, we have to get comfortable with talking to people about sex. And it was it was uncomfortable topic for me. And it was I was so glad that there was people that I could turn to about the sex problems in my life in sobriety. And I will also tell you this that I did, actually go see a sex therapist in in early sobriety. I I sat with a lady for a couple years because I had my wires crossed.

I mean, I was all over the board with stuff. And and, I want to be careful what I say here, but, I received some horrible advice on sex in AA as well, you know. So you got to be you do have to be a little a little bit careful of who you're you're dealing with. But as sponsors, we gotta get comfortable with with listening to sex inventory, with sharing our own experience with whatever it is, that, that we get comfortable on this topic. And I was asked to go through and list all this stuff out, look at whether it was selfish or not, look at where I was to blame, look at these questions, you know, where had I been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate?

Who'd been hurt? Make a list of all that. And I realized in a lot of these relationships, it wasn't just the it wasn't just the the the woman or it wasn't just myself, but maybe it was her kids, maybe it was her parents. I mean, the list just just grew. And, and I was able to use that information when I got to 9.

And I had all this stuff together, and like I said, I was looking at where I was to blame, where was I selfish, where was I dishonest, where was I selfish, where was I dishonest, where was I inconsiderate. I looked at all of those those things in in the 4th column, like, you know, where what was what was my part in this. But still, I didn't quite get it. I got into step 5, and I was really thinking, you know, these guys in that workshop haven't exactly treated me with a lot of respect. And and, so I asked the guy that was facilitating that to come here in my 5th step.

And when I meant they weren't treating me with respect, there was a lot of times when I knew they were just kind of patronizing me. I'd speak up in the workshop and I'd say, I'd say, Yeah, I got, you know, I got some experience with inventory or something because I'd written inventory in treatment, you know, 5 years ago. And then they would, well, what was your oh, did you stay sober after that? And they, you know, they, ah, God. You know these guys make me look, make me look foolish in front of, you know, my peers in AA.

And so finally I just kinda, I just kinda bit my tongue and I knew better than to open my mouth at the workshop. And and then and then sometimes they would actually patronize me a little bit. They would say, oh, that's good that you have all this this experience with inventory because you can come to the workshop and help to show everybody else how to write inventory when the time comes. And I think, oh, you know, because I knew I I knew I didn't know how to write inventory. You know?

And and, so I just kind of so I was just kind of riding on this 4 step, and I was I was literally of the of the opinion that that when when Jeffrey comes down to hear my fist death, and he sees how horrible the people in my life have treated me all my life, he's going to be so sorry for the way that he's treated me. He's going to feel so, you know, he's going to feel so sorry for all of the hard times that I've had to go. He just doesn't understand all the rough times I've been through in my life. And he's going to see when he comes here as his fist step, he'll see him. And I couldn't have been more wrong.

And I, you know, I I I'm I'm grateful that I I picked a guy in 5 that wasn't afraid to really rub my nose in it a little bit. And he didn't he wasn't, he wasn't directly disrespectful, and he wasn't. But he just kept saying, well, what was that that you said? No. I thought you said you loved your brother.

But, you know, those things don't sound like like love to me. Are you sure that you you sure we're dealing with somebody that you love here? And he was just and he kinda, you know, and then I, like, had my mother, like, my mother ruined my life, Jeffrey. She ruined my life, and I don't see where I'm to blame for that, you know. Oh, okay.

Well, let's just, let's just was it all horrible? He said. And and, you know, I had like an awakening that day a little bit. Was it all horrible? And I thought, well, it wasn't all horrible, Jeffrey, but there was a lot of horrible.

Okay, well, let's just get this in perspective because I really want to know what we're dealing with here. You know, this is somebody you say has ruined your life, and I want to just see what's really, really going on here. So, we thought about it, and, you know, I thought he said, well, did you have a roof over your head when I was a kid? Yeah. We had a roof over.

Well, who who did who took care of that? My mom was a single mom until I was about 8 and my stepdad married my mother. And we, we lived from, from then on with my stepdad. How old was your mom when you were pregnant? You know, this intuitive thought that these sponsors have.

How old was your mom, by the way? I thought, and I knew, you know, my mom was 19 when I was born, and my mom I have a brother that's 18 months older than I am. Yeah. Single, in the sixties with 2 young kids. And and this is the person I was pointing the finger at, the person that put a roof over my head.

Well, was there food on the table? Well, yeah. There was, but it wasn't always the right kind, you know. I never got the, I never got the Captain Crunch and the sugared cereals and stuff. You know, we always had this crappy stuff from the food bank or something.

But, you know, there was always food, and I thought about that. And, what was there a Christmas tree at your house at Christmas time? Yeah. Yeah, we had a Christmas tree. Was there any presents?

Yeah. Well, who do you think took care of that kind of stuff? Who was it that was doing those things for you guys? And and I really got to look at my mom in a whole you know, I the there there's a, an idea that the blinders come off in 5. You know, that you can't continue if you do a fist step, you cannot continue to do a fist step and continue with this tunnel vision.

And, Jeffrey used to call it the wrap around mirror. He said, you know, you've got this wrap around mirror. It's time to, like, reach out and shatter that wrap around mirror. And what the wrap around mirror is means that no matter what direction I look, I can only see how something reflects back on me. I can't ever see how anything affects anybody else except how it affects on me, and it perfectly describes this selfishness, self centered, and I would never have believed that I was a selfish, self centered person.

I just never believed that I was an egotistical person. I I really had, like, dove heavy into this victim role. And, and, you know, the more I think about it, and, my mom was a folk singer. She played guitar, and she would sing at coffee shops in the U District in Seattle, and and, and and raise money for us kids. And and, she had a full time job on top of that.

And, we didn't have a TV when I was a kid. And my mom used to play guitar to us, and I got to thinking about that. You know, my mom used to play guitar to me every night. I don't ever remember a night when she didn't come into my brother and I's room and sit and play guitar for us and sing folk songs until we fell asleep. That was how she, you know, got us kids to sleep every night.

So, really, what happened for me in 5 was kind of the blinders came off, and I realized that there were problems in my family, I don't deny that. But, you know, I grew up in the presence of great love. That's a very loving thing that she did for us kids, all of those things. And I know that that that what she wanted in her heart of hearts was to be a a great mom, and then I gotta look at my side of the deal. At 13 years old, my mom got into Alcoholics Anonymous and recovered, and I never heard her amends, never wanted to, never wanted anything to do with her.

I completely took the right for her to be a decent mother away from her. I went months months months without talking to her. I would, you know, I told you on Friday night, she would drive all the way to Seattle from Vancouver, Washington, about a 3 hour drive, and go up and down, up and down the freeways trying to find me. I was removed from the house about at 13 for my own problems because I was I was, you know, selling drugs in school, and I was burglarizing homes, and I was doing all these things. And they removed me from the home, and I was a ward of the state.

And, and during that time, there was a time that I was, at a place called Nassau, Washington, which nobody would know here, but it's a little, little, tiny, tiny town way down in the corner of Washington State. Seattle is all the way up as far as you can get in the other corner of the state. And And when I was, incarcerated there at Naselle, Saturday Sunday were the visiting days. And, you know, I think back on that now, and my I don't ever remember a weekend my mom didn't come visit me. And she drove from Seattle, and that's about a 4 or 5 hour drive.

She would drive down there and see me at visiting hours on Saturdays. My mom would always be there. I just knew it. You know, my okay. Saturday, yeah, mom's coming.

And then the neat thing about that is my mom would spend the night down there so she could come to visiting on Sunday as well. So, so, you know, I was wrong about my mother, and then things just kinda started tumbling from there. I saw how wrong I was about my brother, and my sister, and my boss, and things kinda started falling apart a little bit, you know. And and and, you know, and I was reminded in that fist step that this isn't therapy that we're doing here, that the idea is that, and and these were were his words, you know, that your life is broken beyond repair here. We can't fix this.

We can't put Humpty Dumpty back together. You know, it's broken beyond repair. This is about getting a new life in Alcoholics Anonymous. We're gonna go out and set right these wrongs that you've done in the past. We're gonna get this new life in Alcoholics Anonymous.

That's what this is about. This is about turning this stuff over to God because we can't do anything about it. This is about asking god to remove these things from your life so that you can live as a free man. And, and and in that respect, you know, I was really able to, to go into that step 6 and 7, you know, humbly. God, you know, I cannot live another day like this.

I didn't want to treat women the way that I did anymore, I didn't want to, you know, harbor those resentments against my family anymore, I didn't want to hold the resentments against the, you know, I had lists of just the stupidest goddamn resentments against these, you know, people at the hall that talked too much, and, you know, this guy just sees just, you know, pitiful stuff. And just dozens of them. Dozens of them. I just, you know, I knew that I could not go on living this way for another day, and I just went into 6 and 7 with with that attitude, that I really didn't want to go another day living my life that way. This, this girlfriend that I talked about is actually the the mother of my daughter, who's 15, lives with me now.

And and and my wife, I've been with for 10 years. We've been married for 8. My daughter lives with us, but she was there. She came back to and this is the this is the the thing about this. I did that fist step in the back of that car lot.

That's where I was when I did that. The other thing about that fist step was that before I did this, before I did that fist step, I was, you know, Jeffrey was one of those kind of no nonsense sponsors. And and he said that, you know, I I asked him if you'd hear my fist up, and he said, I'm a busy guy, you know. I I I do a lot. And I'd seen that.

I'd been to his apartment. I'd seen what this guy was doing with alcoholics. And I'd seen that, you know, what he was. He says, Well, here's the deal. And he opened up his little book, and he circled the date on the calendar, and he said, I'm gonna be down to the car lot.

I'll come on this day. We'll we'll go in the little apartment back there, and we'll do your fist step. So I'm gonna show up on that day because that's the day that's open on my calendar. And if you're not ready, I I won't come back. You'll have to find somebody else.

And that night before that fist step, I wasn't finished with my inventory. And I stayed up all night that night right in that inventory. So this, this fist step experience that I described to you was on no sleep, and it was born of desperation. You know, I really thought about I would go up to the top of the car, I could see out there's this little AMPM mini mart, a little gas station, and I could see out there. And I knew that for, like, $6, I could go down there and buy a cheap bottle of wine.

And and and I was thinking, that was an absolute decision on my part. Before 5, I thought, I could go down and get that bottle of wine, I'll drink it real fast, and when Jeffrey shows up, I'll be so stinking drunk, and I'll tell him what I think to him and all his cronies are at the workshop. And, you know, it just is a miracle to me that that I was spared from some of that kind of stuff. I'd think about that, and I'd go down, and I'd write that inventory for a while, then I'd come back up, and I think, oh, man. I'm I'm gonna bag this.

I can't finish it. There's no way I can finish my morning. And but I did, and and, my daughter's mother had left, and then she'd come back. I was in the car lot, and I had myself there, and then I'd had my daughter's mother there, and then she got pregnant. And then later on, I started you know, they told me you gotta give it away to keep it.

So I went down and found Al, and he was on a park bench in Pioneer Square and I brought him up to the car lot. And that's when Al said, hey, get out. You and all your, you know, And, but, you know, she'd come back, and she could she could see that something had changed in me. I mean, she just walked in and she immediately was like, wow. What happened in your fist step?

And and I I didn't even know how to put it into words, really. But, you know, for the people that haven't done it or people who haven't done it, you know, it's experience not to be missed. And and I hope you'll all find somebody like that to read inventory to. Somebody that that, is truly living a spiritual way of life, that is is is kind and loving enough to show you kindness and love when you need it, and is not afraid to turn the mirror and say, did you see that? Did you see what you're looking at?

And ask those those, kind of, those those kinds of questions, and it's just the type of sponsorship that I come from. I I don't come from a type of sponsorship where we just read an inventory to a wall kind of a thing, and then somebody says, well, yeah, I've done all those things too. Not that that's not a valid experience because I think it is in a lot of cases. It it gets by when this other deal is not available. But if you have, like you guys have here, you've got this solid, lineage of sponsorship here available to you, you know, make use of it and and and get into a fist step.

And, we have a guy that's from Chicago that's kind of back a few generations in our sponsorship lineage. And I hate to even use that word because it's really not true for me, you know. I mean, you know, my first sponsor was Al. He's the guy that saved my life in the car. Then I used this tech sponsor, Jeffrey, for a while.

His sponsor was a guy that was sponsored by this California guru, but his sponsor is not even in AA anymore. He's off doing the Scientology deal, and he's doing well, but, you know, he's not in AA anymore. And, and, you know, his you know, the the lineage kinda but there's a guy in in in Chicago, and he really believes in the multiple fistep deal. And it comes from, and I asked him really about what the history of this multiple fist step. And it really comes from this this, psychiatrist that he'd studied at one time.

And this psychiatrist had this belief that the more that we admit these things, the less power they have over us, and and the more that we see that other people have these same troubles. So take your inventory to more than one person. And the book says that. It says, we think, you know, we think about the person or persons whom we're gonna take this this intimate and confidential step with. So So you can read your to your sponsor and then you can go to somebody who may be considered a spiritual advisor.

Maybe you can go to, currently I read most of my inventory that I write now. I will read to the people that I have sponsored. You know, I've sponsored for long enough now, where I have friends in the program more than me sponsoring them. And this is what the book describes, we'll talk about that more in, in steps 10, 11, and 12. But the book really describes if that's what should be available to us, is that, that we will be shown how to create this fellowship that we crave.

It says, you know, if you live in a big city, it says near you, lying helplessly, dying hopelessly, are the future friends of Alcoholics Anonymous, the future members of Alcoholics Anonymous. And then it says something really spectacular, among them you will make lifelong friends. These people, I might not meet the lifelong friends here at this retreat, they might be lying out there drunk, dying hopelessly. Among them, I'll make lifelong friends. I've got an answer for those people.

I can reach my hand out to a still suffering alcoholic and I've had this experience over and over again, where the the book really describes that there's 3 things, that three ways they describe these people that we're gonna meet. The first one that they use is a the book calls them a prospect. And I've always liked that. Oh, yeah. Here's yeah.

I got a prospect. You know, in the in the biker culture, what they kind of identify a guy they think might be able to keep his mouth shut and and kinda toe the line, they'll still say, oh, this guy's a prospect. Yeah. We're prospecting this guy right now. He's not really a member yet.

He's not even been asked to join yet, but he's a prospect. And and AA uses that word in the big book, this idea of a prospect. That we look around, and these guys and I've had that experience. I'll see that face of hopelessness, kinda make an approach, talk to a guy a little bit. The next week, oh, yeah.

How you doing? How you doing? Yeah. How's how's that going with your whatever it was. And talked to him for a little bit, and next thing you know, we're we're talking about doing step work.

Well, yeah. Maybe you come over to my house sometime. You know what? There's a prospect deal going on. And then the next thing they say, they they say that it's a pro they they say, well, you and your protege.

And a protege is a guy that we're taking through the steps and he wants what we have. And there's nothing wrong with with having proteges. You know, there's I have, I'd like to consider myself a protege for a number of people that I've met through the years in the program. And I'm quite honored to be considered, you know, that in their lives. That these are people that, have agreed to mentor me in the program that I can call at any time and let them know what I'm doing.

So it says these protege, and a protege is a guy, I'm taking this guy through the steps, or this girl through the steps, and and they they kind of want what I have, we're going through the steps, and they're the protege. And then they wrap it up, and they say that you and your friend. That's where we should be getting with people that we sponsor. You and your friend will commence a common journey, shoulder to shoulder. That means that we're doing something together.

And this is really when I I told you I've got that AA number 3. The the picture of the man in the bed, is up on the wall in the room where I work with people. And I love that picture because it represents something to me. It represents that, that you and your friend. That this is the idea that I am gonna help somebody else get sober and then the 2 of us are kinda equal, and we're gonna go out and get AA number 3.

So I tell people that now. When people move away, I've had a lot of people that got sober around the Seattle area. We've got really good sobriety, really good meetings there, really good foundation for working the steps for people. And then they might go to some other part of the country where they don't feel they have that good, and they're like, well, I don't know what I'm gonna do down there. And and I tell them, look for AA number 3.

You gotta get AA number 2 first, but that's not that's not where what this is about. Let's look let's get a number 2 in place, but the idea is let's let's be looking for a number 3. That's what that Man in the Bed picture is about. That picture is a is a painting of Bill w and doctor Bob at the bed of AA number 3, Bill d. Bill, Bill Dodson.

Bill Dodson. There we go. You know, these guys at the bed of this guy that was gonna become the 3rd guy to get sober, now pops on. The and and so these guys were friends, and look what they were able to do. They weren't, and so, you know, I've really come to to believe in that that I have.

So I read a lot of my inventory when I get down, I write inventory. I will read it to my friends in a a as much as I'll read it to my current sponsor. I'll just I I I have a lot of people in my life now that I I'm not afraid to and they know everything about me. Me. There's nothing about me that I that I hide from them.

There's nothing about me that and and I need that. You know, I need that ability to, to have that group of of people in my life that that does know everything about me, that I do do this, the the inventories with, and the tent steps with. So I think, we're getting close. It's a quarter to noon. I think the idea is is that we're gonna take a little bit of a break, and we're gonna come back around 1:30.

So before we do that, is there any, questions and comments that people have? I do have this microphone here if people wanna ask questions or make comments. We've covered an awful lot this morning. We've kinda come from step 2 all the way up through 6 and 7. We come back, we're gonna look at steps 8, 9, and and get into some, some really great stuff with 10, 11, and 12 as well.

So, does anybody have any questions or comments? And I'd be glad to reach back and grab the microphone if there is. So just raise your hand and I'll yeah. I think it's I'm sorry that made so much noise, but I think it's I think it's better for the for the burner back here. The burner?

If you use that mic. Erica, I'm alcoholic. Hi. Hi, Erica. Okay.

So the question I have is about writing inventory, and when it's not based on someone is wrong because of or I'm angry at someone because of, but there's, like, a dark cranny sort of feeling like something happened at some point. I'm not resentful about it. I'm not angry about it, but I'm pretty sure there's an amends there somewhere. Uh-huh. So how do I This is, like, about a particular person?

Yeah. Yeah. Well, then you put them on a 8 step list and look at what is it that you own amends for. And that's a good question, you know, just because we don't have to start with a resentment. I mean, I owe amends to people that I don't have any resentment for.

I know that I need to see this person, but I I don't necessarily have an amends. I don't know if that answers your question or not, but you talked about that dark feeling like something's wrong. Do you need to talk to that person? Is that the yeah. Yeah.

I mean, the question is for myself, for my for my own amends, and it's also for leading a through inventory. You know, like, they're asking, where do I what do I do with that stuff? And I don't know. Well, you put it on an 8 step list for certain. I mean, that's what we do with people that we owe amends to.

And and we'll talk about that more later, but, you know, we get a lot of names off our our 4 step inventory and some of the discussions that we had in 5 help us to, you know, the the book actually says we have this list of these people. We made it when we took inventory. But there's a lot of people that are not on, you know, and the book tells us that there may not be a resentment in connection with these people that go on our 8 step list. Yeah. Yeah.

Please, Tom. We'll just have people step up here. So I told Juanita I wouldn't do this. Yeah. Did I really?

I'll have to make amends to the group again. Tom, an alcoholic. In the spirit of that line in the 8th step, we had our list. We made it when we took inventory. What some of us do is we keep an extra page when we're writing inventory called harms list, and the idea is that I'm stirring this pot as I'm writing inventory, this psychic pot, and a lot of stuff's gonna float to the surface.

And if a random, you know, person floats to the surface, I don't have sex conduct, fear, or resentment necessarily, but I go, oh my god. You know, I did this this to them. Then I put them on that list as I'm writing inventory, and it kinda takes them out of my so it kinda quiets that stuff so I can go on with my inventory, and then I have that to use when I get to the 8th step, and that's been really helpful for a lot of people. The harms list that you do as you're as you're writing inventory. Oh, you said Adam before?

Alcoholic. My name's Adam. Hey, Adam. And, in relation to the sex part of our inventory, you know, I've heard it said that, you know, you list people that you've had sex with all the way to, you know, everybody that you've ever flirted with. Use my, you know, sexual powers, god given sexual powers, in relationship to, and what's your impression of that?

It seems like it's one extreme to the other. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you asked that question. I should have maybe clarified that a little better. I have a microphone, so, you can just turn that off until somebody's ready.

But the answer to your question is, as sponsors, you know, we have to be aware and careful of this because there are people that have a very short sexual inventory. And there are people, where sexual addiction is concerned and that kind of thing, there's people that, you know, we've had to, and I'm struggling here, I just want to make sure I'm not sharing any intimate details of anybody's inventory or anything. But there are people, you know, amongst us in Alcoholics Anonymous who have suffered, you know, years of sexual addiction. And I said, you know, like, for me, I had to go and do some sexual therapy. And and I'm so happy I admit that because every time I talk about that, people come to me and say, Well, what, you know, what was the deal?

And man, I have people come out of the woodwork to talk to me about this kind of stuff. And and it was a good thing for me because I was able to really see that I used sex in that way. I'm not a sex addict, but I sure was a potential sex addict because I used it as a way to nurture myself. And as a young child, I'd learned how to use sex as a way to nurture myself. It was one of the only ways I knew, you know, I was choking myself and and doing drugs and sniffing glue and stuff.

But this sextile was just another way to try to make myself feel good. And when I brought that out into my adult life, it created a huge havoc. And there's people that carry that sexual addiction to to serious extremes, and we will sponsor people like that. And so, for some people I've sponsored, I just had to say, okay, let's just say the prostitutes in San Francisco and write one piece of inventory on that. And let's say that prostitutes in this area, and I I've sponsored people that belong to sexual clubs where where they would, you know, join these associations where it was just kind of, you know, where they maybe had 100 or 1000 of sexual partners.

And we have to be aware of this. When we're sponsoring people, you cannot let the inventory turn into a document that can't ever be finished. You can't ever do that. And, somebody remind me, you know, I wanna I wanna tell a story, but it'll take about 5 minutes. I don't think we have time now.

But, somebody remind me to tell you about Patrick's inventory. And and I share this with his permission and and he and I, you know, he knows that I share this and he actually thanks before he likes it that I share stories about our early sobriety because, you know, it's just a genuinely good thing for both of us to remember. So, but he was a guy that wrote, and I'll just tell you this. It's only, I won't take 5 minutes to tell the story, but I will just tell you this is what we gotta watch out for in sexual inventory. It's the same.

Sometimes we need to categorize or try to find ways to get somebody, it was not the last inventory we're gonna do, just get somebody into 5. It does have to be thorough, but but, you know, to list 1,000 and 1,000 and 1,000 of names. And and Patrick actually wrote on around 3,000 resentments. Yeah. 3000 resentments.

And, you know, the the sad thing about that was I didn't know any better, and he wasn't in touch with anybody. He was living down there. It was it was, it was mental illness. And he would sat down in that apartment and he wrote and he wrote tablet, after tablet, after tablet, after tablet. And he couldn't stop.

And he and and no one was down there to put controls on that. I tell people, if you get to around a 100, a 120 names, you better call me and we're gonna see if maybe there's some repetition. Because instead of writing on politicians, you know, he went all the way back to, Eisenhower and went forward, you know. And, I mean, that's that's the truth. That's the truth, you know.

Pages pages and pages and pages. He was a Vietnam, era guy, and and, you know, pages and pages and pages on Nixon alone, you know. And and so, but he wrote on this. And here's the neat part of this story, why it takes a couple of minutes to tell, is that, is that Patrick asked me to hear his inventory. And it was the first guy that I'd ever heard inventory with.

This guy comes and he had a he left his window open one night and he had his inventory, like all these bundles of inventory stacked up. And the rain came and it rained on his inventory. All these thousands, this life's work. Took him about a year to write this thing and working full time every day to write this inventory. And the rain came and he had to spread it all out and dry this whole thing out, try to save it.

He's absolutely bananas about this. And he finally got it. But so this guy came here with this inventory. Not only was this huge inventory, but it's, you know, it was all swelled up and kinda and, I didn't know what to do with it. And I so I listened to his inventory for 2 days, and we just made a scratch in it.

And I didn't know what to do with it. And so, I called Jeffrey and I said, you know, what are we gonna do? Patrick's in a in a bad way here. I told him, well, we don't need to read all of it. Oh, yeah.

He said, you know, I mean, it was like he had a lot of of power in that. And, you know, and and Jeffrey, you know, he's was this just this very intuitive guy, still is, just a really amazing guy. And he said, well, tell Patrick to call me. I'd sat with Patrick for 2 days and I I didn't you know, we weren't getting anywhere. We're just reading and reading and reading and hadn't even got through the first couple of notebooks.

And and, so I sent him to Jeffrey and Jeffrey told Patrick, Patrick, I will sit with you and we'll meet a couple times a week and we'll read inventory. And and Jeffrey had the understanding to just sit there and listen. And Patrick read and read and read and read week after week after week after week. He came over and read. And finally, one day, that deal cracked.

And Patrick said, I can't do it anymore. I cannot sit here and just read this crap anymore. And thank God for that. You know, that guy was able to emerge from that. That mental illness, really, was what it was.

You know, he had just kinda spiraled into this this obsessive disorder that caused him to to have this need to just read. And and he just and and, you know, Jeffrey, the the the the 2 of them tell the story now. And and, Patrick said, I got to a place where I just couldn't do it anymore. And I just told Jeffrey, I can't read anymore. I can't do it.

I cannot do this. And Jeffrey said, You read. You read every word of that. You know, I have sat here and you wasted my time week after week after week. I've sat here, and now you're gonna see how it feels dude.

And he said, you're gonna read that inventory. And Jeffrey sat with that guy until he read every piece of that deal. And, and he emerged from that that deal. And, I'll just, if I think about it, let's ask the next question, and then and then we'll I'll read you something that a little note I got from Patrick a few years ago. Nick, I'll call it.

Nick. This is going back to last night, but I I wanted to ask the question because I didn't understand, but I just remembered it today right now, like, a few minutes ago. So what were you what did you mean when you said before you sit down with a guy, you become anonymous? I didn't quite understand that. Oh, I I what I meant by that is it in the it's the spirit of anonymity, which means that God works through us.

It means that this this spiritual experience that I've had as a result of the steps is was not meant for me. I've really come to believe that. That I am anonymous in this process I'm doing here. And I hope everybody gets that, that this isn't about Kenny d coming down from Seattle. You know, there's a bigger picture of what's going on.

I don't exactly know what that is, but I can give you the microcosm of it. And the microcosm of it is that my spiritual experience is more important to my daughter than it is to me. I can clearly see that. You know, I'm anonymous in this deal that's happened to me. It's not about me.

One of our mentors, you know, was really fond of saying, Kenny, don't put your thumbprint on this deal. It doesn't belong to you. You know, don't, come up with a step guide on how to work the steps. Put your name on it. It's okay to give people instructions, but let's not put your name on it.

You know, let's be let's be, it's the spirit of anonymity. And that's what I meant. When I'm working with a newcomer, I will pray, say that prayer that I said maybe before I even opened this that, you know, that God, you know, please be our guide here. Guide my thoughts, my actions and especially our words, as we go through this 12 step process that God is the guide here. I'm just the the vehicle.

So that's what I meant by that. This is a note I got from from Patrick a few years ago. And Patrick I wanna be Patrick's had his struggles, but, and he's currently going through some struggles. We could keep him in our prayers. But, you know, this was a guy that came off the skids, this guy with all these resentments that was down there just suffering from mental illness.

And this is, every time I look at this, it does the same thing to me. So people don't usually worry. My home group members know this about me. They don't worry about it. They just tell people, oh, he'll recover.

He'll be okay here in a second. Just hang on. This is from Illinois State University. And this little note came in the mail a few years ago. It says, Thanks for everything over the years, Pat W.

And it says, The faculty, staff, and graduating class of Illinois State University announced that Patrick Welch is a candidate for the degree of Master of Science in Political Science, with a concentration in applied community and economic development at the commitments exercise, Saturday, December 15, 2001 at 9 o'clock. Isn't that amazing? That that's that this would be from that story that I just told you. Yeah. These are these transformations, you know, in in that we have here in AA.

You know, you don't wanna miss this. That's what they say the bit about 12 Step work. You don't wanna miss this. You get to see these these people completely transformed, completely transformed. You know, this guy that got a master's degree in political science from Illinois State University is not the same Patrick that was down in the basement right in that inventory month after month and and, you know, week after week, month after month.

You know, this is a guy who's who's been reborn here in AA and he's got this new life today. And, you know, he's got this applied community and economic development and and, so he's currently back and forth to Iraq, trying to help to kind of put Humpty Dumpty back together again and use some of the stuff that he's been taught for, you know, this redevelopment stuff is kinda his specialty. And and, so that's what what he's doing now. So, with that, unless there's any other questions, I think it is about noon in time for the break for lunch. So, we will reconvene at 1:30.

Is that correct? That sound like a give us an hour and a half to eat lunch and kind of get some exercise. And when we come back, we'll talk about, kind of, how many more sessions we want to do between then and dinner and then what we want to do after dinner. We'll talk about that a little bit before we start the next section and start the tape roll and we'll have a little group conscience here. So thank you, everybody.