12-step spiritual retreat in Santa Fe, NM

I think so. Does that work? Yeah. Good evening, everybody. My name is Kenny, and I am an alcoholic.

Good evening. And, welcome to the retreat here. I wanna thank, Tom and Juanita for being my host here and showing me around town and for being our special, just being really special friends. And I wanna thank Audrey for for making a call and asking me to come do this retreat and for everybody that's that's here. So, before we get started, I, I think we'd like to maybe just start with a simple I wrote a prayer up here on the board which I will explain.

You're welcome to read that if you can and and I will kinda go over what that prayer means here in just a little bit but first, we'll just start with something simple. So, we'll start with the serenity prayer and we'll get our weekend started. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. So, I am just really incredibly, grateful to be here in New Mexico, to be here at this retreat center, and to be here with you all. And I'm really looking forward to getting to know a lot of the people here in the group.

And and as we kind of build here this weekend, we'll see what how the format works. Maybe we'll get things in a circle and and get things a little more comfortable. I'll take care of just a couple of things letting you know who I am. I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is June 8, 1989, And I've been continuously sober since that date.

And my home group is Drunks R Us North, which meets in Seattle, Washington on Friday nights at 8 o'clock. So, if you are ever in Seattle, we really encourage you to come to our meeting. It's really it's quite a show on Friday nights, Aaron. And we actually once in a while, we have to have an AA meeting and get a strong solution in the midst of all this craziness. So, we'd hope that you'll you'll come out to Seattle and visit us sometime and allow me to repay this favor.

So, I think I'm gonna start tonight by just kind of telling you a little bit about my story, and we're just start with some real light stuff and some humorous stuff, and just kind of keep it keep it simple. I'll tell you a little bit that, it's amazing to me to get asked to come do these retreats. It's amazing to me to be asked to come speak places because there was definitely a time in my life and in my sobriety where nobody asked me to speak anywhere. I mean, it just was because my story was kind of like, you know, it just was kind of like what happened, what happened, and what happened. And it was, and it was just this long drawn out thing, and then I would be like and then I was in treatment, people would think, oh, thank God this guy is going to get sober.

And then I drank the day I got out, and it was real heartwarming actually for me. We'll look at that this weekend, we're really going to spend a lot of time in the book. And I just wanna say before I even get started, that I had, you know, that I do have this what happened part of my story today. And that's what I've really come here to New Mexico to share with you is I came to share with you that I've had an experience with the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous that has allowed me to live for 17 years as a free man, much like anybody else lives, and to enjoy this great life and this, somewhere in that process, this desire to destroy myself with alcohol and drugs was removed and it was replaced by this useful and purposeful life. And I get to do a lot of really amazing, amazing things today.

And I've got some really incredible stuff to share this weekend, and I hope that you'll, you know, my hope is that somebody's heart is going to be touched here this weekend by what I've come here to offer that you'll that something I say is going to benefit somebody, is going to have, you know, that there'll be some spiritual awakenings here this weekend. And And I said I wouldn't really talk too much about this prayer yet, and I won't. But, you know, we're here to have a retreat. And you don't have to spend the weekend here to have a retreat. Just come as much as you can this weekend.

You know, and it's, you know, the 12 steps is really a spiritual treatment. And one of the things that we, you know, in Alcoholics Anonymous, we treat alcoholism with the 12 steps, that is the treatment. And so, you can look at a retreat as, you know, if you've already had the treatment, and you may find like I do that the ego tends to kind of rebuild itself over a period of time. And, and suddenly I may be acting in a way in my life that seems kind of untreated that I can come to a retreat and get retreated. And it's really something that came to me when I thought about this.

I wrote this prayer that's up here and I'll and I'll talk a little bit about that this weekend about about writing prayers. We're all gonna have a chance to write prayers here this weekend and and do some some writing. And nothing I say here don't let that scare you away. Nothing I say there's nothing mandatory here this weekend at all in the least. And I really mean that.

You know, that this idea of prayer and meditation, we'll do some meditation this weekend, this kind of stuff, it can't be forced. You know, it's just one of those things that has to come from within. So, if there's anything that's said here or suggested here this weekend that doesn't sound right to you, then just don't do it and nobody is going to be offended. And I want everybody to be comfortable. That's one of the things I said like about the circle and stuff is it's a more comfortable setting.

And I want everybody to be comfortable. Tom and Juanita have come out and done the retreat that we do in Seattle, and it's very comfortable. I mean people actually like drag blankets and pillows and people are in pajamas and stuff. It's a really comfortable retreat. Mike's been to a retreat that I did up in Durango a few years ago, and that was the same way.

It was a small group, and we just you know, we got allowed us to get really intimate with each other. So I hope that everybody as the weekend will will start to kinda form a retreat family here and a circle, that even if we stay in this format, that people kinda start coming in a little bit and just be a part of this retreat. And it will be interactive too. We're gonna have a time between each sessions for questions and answers. I got into these retreats in really early sobriety, and I really thank God for that now.

And you'll hear a lot of that as I tell my my sobriety story about, you know, I just really feel fortunate today when I look back on it and I think about the guys that I got sober with, that I got sober at the time that I got sober. I was I was, sharing with Audrey at dinner tonight about the world convention in 1990 in Seattle, and I would have never went to that had it been anywhere else, but Seattle. But I was happened to be sober in Seattle just coming up on a year and had a really dramatic impact on me, and I met some really incredible people there. And, you know, so I'm just glad I got sober when I got sober. And I'm glad I got sober with the people that I got sober with, and I'm glad that I ran into these people.

And they were really big on this work in the big book, and they were really big on the work, the step work, and these guys were really big on retreats. And I've come to find that I don't think certainly there's never been a time in my entire sobriety that's been more than a year, and I would guess it must be less than that, somewhat less than a year. But I haven't personally taken the time to do a retreat. And, you know, these are incredibly, important things in living the spiritual life. People and that live spiritual lives retreat on a regular basis.

So I'm really happy that we're here. So, I'll tell you a little bit about my drinking history. And I will say this that, you know, this is a retreat. It's not an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. But I will say this just to say it because I like to say this, that I am an alcoholic member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And what that means is that if I was to take all of the drugs and everything out of my story completely as if they never happened, and I just looked at my drinking, I would easily it would be abundantly clear to me. As a matter of fact, I've done that. You know, I've been through the big book from that standpoint, and it was abundantly clear to me that I am an alcoholic. So, there is a lot of drugs in my story, there's a lot of talk about drugs, And I don't apologize for talking about drugs in AA, I'm beyond that. But I do let people know that, you know, and the reason I don't apologize for that is because I would be incomplete to come here this weekend and try to dance around that.

And I've tried that before, and it doesn't work very good for me. So, that is whatever it is. So you will hear my story, and in case you're ever wondering, just I hope I get that point across that I drank a lot of booze, and I drank for a long time. And it was in there in the beginning, it was in the end, and it was in the middle. The booze was one of those things that was always there for me and it was always my fall back on deal.

So with that, I'll just tell you a little bit about my story and then we're gonna take a break and then we're gonna come back and we're gonna get into some really serious retreat stuff. But we are gonna have a great time here this weekend. We're gonna have a fun time, and we're gonna have, you know, we might have an emotional time, but we're gonna we're gonna do our best to to, have some laughter here this weekend. You know, it's Laughter is one of the best medicines. We're gonna try to be humorous and lighthearted.

But we are gonna also look at some really serious, serious stuff, and and we're not gonna hide here this weekend either. We're gonna really be, it's gonna be a very direct from the big book weekend. It's the only thing that I really know. So with that, I'll go all the way back to the first time that I ever got really drunk. And there's a reason that I go back that far, and it actually shortens my story a little bit going back.

And that is that the first time that I ever drank, like, I drank several times, but this was the first time that I drank with the sole purpose of just getting hammered. You know, I was just gonna go out and get really, really drunk. And I came from an alcoholic home. My my mother was an alcoholic. She got sober when I was 13 years old.

Shortly after I started drinking, my mother got sober. She's still sober today. She got sober in AA. My stepfather, who I grew up with, died of alcoholism, drank himself to death, and he was homeless when he died. And my house was the party house, they would go to the bar, and at 2 o'clock in the morning when the bars closed in Washington State, they the bar would come to my house, and that would that was just a normal deal for me.

I mean, it was just this huge party, and there was myself, and my brother, and actually a sister who was 8 years younger, who was just a toddler at the time that I started drinking, that were all in this totally insane situation. And the police came a lot, and there was arrests, and there was domestic violence. And it was just a really, sad situation. And, you know, one of the things that was going on in the house at that time leading up to this first time that I just made a decision that I needed a drink was that I wasn't, you know, I wasn't really taught like the hygiene and how to really take care of yourself. And it just wasn't, you know, there just wasn't a lot of parenting in the house.

You know, there was food and there was a roof over our head, but wasn't a lot of real parenting. So, I would get up and I would get myself off to school every morning, and, and I would just move to another new neighborhood, which was just one after the other, after the other because we were renting houses, get kicked out of houses, and we got to a new neighborhood. And I went to this brand new junior high school, And I think when I started junior high I was 12, I turned 13 shortly after that. And I was still wet in the bed. And I would get up and I would just kind of like and I have got over that problem in case you guys you don't need to check your sheets, Tom.

I did find last night. I did get over that shortly after I got sober. But, the, but, you know, I was still wet in the bed, and I would just kind of get up, and I would just kind of towel dry myself off and throw some clothes, and try to find some clothes in the basket somewhere, just put these dirty clothes back on. And I wouldn't brush my teeth, and I was going to school like I was scared to death in school like that. And then I had another thing, and I don't really like that word drug of choice, because really I think it's more of a drug of no choice was the way it ended up for me.

But just because the term kind of fits in this situation, my first drug of choice was called lack of oxygen to the brain. And what that meant was that I would actually choke myself and then just before I was going to completely pass out And if you're not in your head, this means you're a sick person. You know, there's because but I would choke myself and just before I was going to pass out, I would let go just a second before and I would get this euphoria for like 30 seconds or a minute just be completely out of it. So, I was a stinky kid with bad breath, and I smelled like urine. I was wearing, you know, old clothes, coming to a brand new school where I didn't know anybody.

And then I would choke myself and stagger around and stuff. So, in in junior high, you know, my popularity kind of waned a little bit. And and, and, you know, I tell that because it is it is kind of humorous looking back on it, you know, and I just and people really thought this kid is a freak. And I used to hear that a lot like you are a freak and no, don't come around me, don't let that kid touch you. It was just a horrible deal.

And the reason I tell you that, you don't need that kind of background to become an alcoholic. I do know that. I was my wife and I spoke at a deal just a little while ago, and there were 2 other speakers there, and they both came from these beautiful houses where the parents went to church and went to church every day, and they were wealthy, and they were well cared for, and they became just as hopeless as I did. So, I don't want you to take this wrong, But something I really thought about is coming from where I came from, there was something rather soothing about a drink. And it did something for me that I don't know that it would have done for a lot of other people.

And my brother and I mowed this guy's yard and he was a hippie that lived next door. And, and you know, we thought, well, he's pretty cool. You know, he's a hippie and we knew he drank and smoked dope and stuff. And so we thought, well, maybe instead of paying us, he'll just buy us some wine. So we thought, well, okay.

So we asked him if he'd mind buying, buying some wine instead of paying us. And of course being a good hippie, and this is, the early 70s, and being a good hippie he had no problem buying wine for 12 year olds. And so he was like, sure. You know, I'd be glad to buy you guys some booze. What do you want?

And I didn't the only thing I knew was my my parents drank Gallo wine out of the Gallon jugs. And and so I said, well, wine. And he said, well, what kind of wine? And that there was that alcoholic thinking that never went away. And I just told them and I had an older brother, and I was doing the talking.

And I told them I said, well, we're not really concerned just get us to just get us the most you can for that price. Just get us to just get us the most you can for that price, you know. So he said okay, and he came back with came back and he had 5 5ths of MD 2020. And, and I love to tell that story because that's the reaction I always get, you know. I could just end that story right there because everybody knows where that story is headed.

But but that night, you know, that guy who like would never and I couldn't talk to anybody, I couldn't do anything, and I and we got that wine, and we told a couple other kids that were in our neighborhood that we had the wine. We're going down to the school yard tonight. A couple other kids joined us, and even these kids that knew nothing about drinking were telling me, I don't know for sure, but I don't think you're supposed to drink that much, that fast. You know, I think that something bad is going to happen to you if you do that. And I just was drinking this wine, drank as much as I could, as fast as I could.

And there was a girl that was coming home, she was like just cutting across the school yard at night, and she was a girl that I'd seen at the junior high school. And I thought, you know, I thought to myself, you know, with this once I had that wine in me, that kid that I was was just completely transformed, and I thought, I'm just going to go down and take what's rightfully mine, you know. And I ran down this hill and I tackled this poor girl to the ground, and I tried to force her to give me a kiss. And, and I, you know, I was just telling her, oh, come on, give me a kiss, give me a kiss. And she was screaming, and she got away.

And the other guys said, what the hell are you doing? And it was just really a scene. And, and the thing about that, you know, I was already that kind that freak kid at school. And then immediately I knew about that horror and remorsefulness of the next morning are unforgettable. That I knew I had to go back to the school being this freak who would now attack this girl at the school the night before.

And, you know, and then, you know, this this that makes for more drinking and that stuff, it just kinda started. And the reason I say that that kinda shortens my story a little bit, because I can leave a lot of my drinking out, a lot of my drugging out, because, my drinking and drugging never got any better than that. That. That was as good as it ever got for me. I would drink as much as I could, I would drink as fast as I could, and usually I would do something completely over the top.

I would get in a fight, I would commit a crime, I would try to fight police officers, I would I would hit women, I would wreck cars, I was in the hospital, and I never finished junior high school. I was in the juvenile, the juvenile system immediately. I was within about 3 months of that first drink. I was taken out of my home. I was, arrested for burglary within a year of that time.

I was, a homeless kid on the streets shortly after that because they would put me in these these group homes and and foster homes and I would run away and go back to the old neighborhood. And I was breaking and doing auto thefts and stealing cars and getting arrested And that just kind of continued through when I was about 17 or 18. I kind of got my act together for a few years and I got my grandpa work and he had some fishing boats that he worked for a family that owned some fishing boats. And they were going up to Alaska and he got me a job, and it kinda saved me in a way because this was a job where you could you know, somehow I just had this really great work ethic and I was able to work really hard. And and I kinda somehow got my act together for a few years, and it was a job back then, and the Alaska fishing industry is a lot different now.

But back then, you could drink and drug onboard the boat. I mean, it was all kind of a part of the thing. It was just everybody kinda thought this is the wild wild west and there's no police out here and there's nobody watching what was going on. And a whole bunch of guys hurt themselves and got killed and the coast guard, You know, now you have to have everybody on the boat has to take a drug test before you can even throw the lines and leave the dock nowadays. I still work in that business.

I don't work going on the boats. I work in in management in that business now. So it was something I came back to after I was sober. But, you know, as a teenager I got introduced to IV drugs and I was doing IV drugs from a very early age. And and, and that started a heroin addiction that was kind of an on again off again thing all the way up to the time I got sober.

And I went through this success in my in my business, and I actually worked my way up from a deck end to an assistant engineer, and I was chief engineer on the boat. And then the family that I worked for put me through treatment twice and finally let me go. And I couldn't get I couldn't even get sober enough to do that job. You know, in the end, I couldn't get well enough to to even take a job where you can drink a drug on the job. I was and and so, you know, I spent the last several years of my drinking and drugging, in and out of hospitals, in and out of treatment centers, I you know, I'd accumulated some stuff during those years, and I sold all of it down to the very last little thing, sold everything that I could get my hands on, I sold a lot of stuff that didn't belong to me.

And, and, you know, there there came a time I was just kind of existing, just living in these motel rooms and living in these motel rooms. This is a story I was reminded of last night. We were sitting around at Tom Juanita's, and we were telling kind of some some humorous stories and and people were talking about, falling asleep with cigarettes, you know, how dangerous that is. And I used to I used to actually think life wasn't quite treating me well, when I would Because I would I would go buy a whole pack of cigarettes and I would sit down there in one of those hotel rooms, and I would light up a smoke, and I would think I'm going to sit here and enjoy this whole cigarette. And I'd take 1 dragon and out I'd go.

And then I wake up and be burning my hand, you know, and I'd be and I'd just be thinking, God, is that too much to ask to just be able to sit here and smoke a cigarette, you know, for Christ's sake, go through a whole pack and I don't even, you know, I'm in nicotine withdrawals here, and I've just, you know, I've just went through a whole pack and And but I was in a hotel room I was in a hotel room in Seattle, and it was called the City Center Motel, and it's gone now, but a lot of people still remember it. And it was one of those places that was full of prostitutes and and drug addicts and people that were either coming to or going to the penitentiary. And and there was I, and I fell asleep with a cigarette in that motel and started the mattress on fire. And I was laying there, and I was just in a pair of Levi's, no shirt, no socks, nothing, just in a pair of Levi's. And I was emaciated, and, my eyes were sunk into the back of my head, and I had tracks all over my arms and hands and feet, and I was just in terrible shape.

And laying there passed out on this mattress that's smoldering. And for anybody that's and I know there's several, but if anybody that's dealt with a mattress fire, there are really incredibly difficult things to put out. And I actually ended up later on in life I sponsored a fireman and he said, oh yeah, you know, we get mattress fires or couch fires, they just they just take them completely out of the house, and they just slice them open, and they just, you know, there's no way to get them out without just completely destroying them. So, I got woke up because the smoke was so thick I was choking on the smoke and the soterum, and I woke up and I thought, oh, boy, I got a situation on my hands here. And I thought: Well, I'm going to have to take some water, and I'm going to pour the water on this deal and put this put this fire out.

And, and so I like got a pitcher, and I poured some water on this thing, and then I passed back out on this wet bed, and it started smoldering again because that's not the way to put out a mattress fire. It started smoldering again, and it got the smoke got thick enough again to where I was choking on the smoke, and thank God I woke up. I mean, I would have killed myself from probably a whole bunch of other dope fiends too that would have never woke up in time had I burned that place down. But I woke up and then I thought, okay, I got to get serious here. So I took one of the trash cans, they had a nice big trash can, and and I took it in and started filling it in the shower and dumping that thing on the on the mattress, and then I passed out on the mattress again.

And then I finally woke up, and I was choking again, and the smoke had got down in the mattress somewhere, and it was burning again, and there's all this water everywhere. And the thing about that is that a couple of nights before that I'd gone on a little paranoid trip, and I figured I needed to get the carpet up because there was something under the carpet that needed to be investigated. And I tore, and I, like, tore all of the carpet up from this place, I, like, tore tore all the carpet up, and then in a moment of clarity, I tried to put all the carpet back and tried to put the molding strips back, you know, to where they were. But with all this water, the carpet is kind of floating a little bit, and this room is destroyed, and I had to take I took a knife out of a pack I had, and I cut this mattress all up and finally, you know, tore the stuffing out of it and got this thing out. And the smoke was so thick I had to open the front door to this motel room.

And it was one of those old style motels where you, where you actually pull your car up and your bumper is practically touching your front window. And Highway 99 in Seattle goes right by where that city center, now it's a Holiday Inn Express. And this is right down close to where the Space Needle is, which in those days was really not a very good neighborhood at all. And now it's been all cleaned up and all the old haunts have been torn down. And but at that time the City Center Motel and so people were starting to drive rush hour to work and come in.

The door was open, and I was passed out in that condition on this mattress, and there was stuff all over and water everywhere. And somebody, of course, alerted the manager that, hey, you might want to take a look in room number 108 down there, and we think you got something going on. And he got up and started yelling and screaming at me and and I was yelling and screaming back at him, you know, in the way that we do that indignant alcoholic just telling him that if he had a smoke detector in that room, which I reminded him by law, you know, he should have. And, none of this would have ever happened, you know, and now this was his fault that I I could have been killed and, and thank God I got the fire out in time. And and I'm arguing with this guy, and I'm still just standing just a pair of soaking wet Levi's, you know, and that was it, in that condition.

And, there was a guy, and he's actually 10 years sober in the program, I hope I get a chance to tell you the story about the amends I made to him. In case I forget, I made an amends with this guy years later, and he ended up, you know, when I got to the what can I do to make it right part, he wanted to know what the hell I was doing to stay clean and sober? And he's been sober over 10 years in the program now. He was another addict, an alcoholic, but he was a guy that still had a job and still had a little bit of stuff going, so he had a girlfriend he was staying with in a car. So his job had become stopping by the motel room every morning on his way to work to see if I was still alive or not.

And that was really it. It was a knock at the door, it was a and this is from another heroin addict knocking on my door saying, are you okay? You know, is everything alright? I'm worried about you. I'd like to see, you know, maybe get into detox or something.

He was, you know, worried that he was gonna and so that was his deal, was coming by every morning. And, and Yogi came by that morning and saw this scene outside the deal and pulled his car right up and just got all my stuff and just threw it in the car and said, Get in the car, we're out of here, and we got into the car. And the amazing thing about that story is I continued to to drink and drug in that condition for maybe another somewhat more than another year. I I I remained in that kind of condition. And the thing about that is is that I got into a men's and I remembered about that hotel room.

And I and I can stand here and tell that story in good conscious because I went back and and found the owner of that hotel who'd sold the building by that time and I found the owner of the hotel and I explained the situation and I paid for the damage that I'd done to that hotel room. And, so I can tell that story in good conscience today. But you know, the thing about that was is that when I look back on it, I got into this, immense process and then I remembered, oh, yeah, I burned that guy's mattress up and stuff. But the thing about it was is in that context of that day, there was nothing unusual in my life about that. I didn't call anybody up, tell him, God, you wouldn't believe what happened to me last night.

Like, it was a big it was nothing. It was nothing to me. It was just I was just existing in this hopeless state of mind and body just existing. And and there's a place in the book, big book, where it says, you know, that we were we were living only, you know, that we were existing only to drink. You know, the only reason the days of drinking and drugging for fun or for camaraderie or laughter or that feeling that life is good, all that stuff was completely gone.

And the only reason I was drinking and the only reason I was drugging was trying my hardest to overcome this compulsion for more. That was it. It was I just had this insane idea that if I could get enough in this comp not that I would even feel good, but just that this compulsion for more would go away for a second or 2. And I could just get a deep breath for a second. You know, that's I was just at at that place, and I existed like that for for quite a while.

I ended up getting hepatitis real bad and got really sick and ended up in a situation at my mom's house, which hopefully I'll be able to share a little bit about that. But it was a horrible deal, horrible thing. I was 28 years old and called my mom and she had to tell me, no, you can't come home And she had to tell me, no, you can't come home. And I told her, no, mom, you don't understand. I am sick.

I have to come home. And she thought I was coming home to die. And she told me that, you know, she thought that, you know, my mother thought that my mother is is poor and she's still poor to this day. And she's been gifted in that way really. I mean my mom just kind of doesn't care about money, and it's been a real good thing.

She's been able to be of service in the lives of a lot of people because of that. The the, but she started saving for my funeral when I came home. She didn't think I was gonna make it. I was that sick. And, and I ended up getting a little bit better in front of there with my mom watching, I continued.

Every time I got a little bit better, I would hit the bar and drink and then the hepatitis would get really bad and then I would be sick at her house for another 3 or 4 days and then I would somehow con her boyfriend or somebody would somehow I would con my way into 20 or $30 and I would be gone again. And and and the whole time I was telling her I was clean. It was just a horrible situation. And and I, you know, I put that woman through hell, and and I've made amends for that as well. And I'll I'll share some of the amends with my mom when we get to amends and we should be getting to amends probably Saturday night sometime.

The you know, in the in the end for me, my last drink, I went to a place called the Buckaroo Tavern. And, the Buckaroo Tavern was a lot like that hotel I described. It was those same group of people that would drink at the Buckaroo Tavern. And it's the same way now, sometimes I'll tell that story to somebody over and they'll say, oh, that Buckaroo, that's a, a yuppie joint. And Tom and I had that experience, he showed me this place where he used to drink, but he said, but it didn't used to be like like that.

I said, well, that's a nice place to drink. No, no, it wasn't then, you know. And, but the, the buck so some people said, oh, yeah, the buckaroo, that's kind of a yuppie joint now, but it wasn't then. And I was down to my last few dollars, and I had like maybe $3 to my name, and I just got I didn't have enough money to re up at the hotel I was at, so I packed my stuff with me, left that hotel room, I thought, well, I'll go to the Buckaroo Tavern, this is in the morning, they were just opening, I'll go to the Buckaroo Tavern, and I'll get a pint of beer, and somebody will show up. It's gonna you know, somebody will show up, and and, and there'll be somebody that maybe owes me a little favor.

I can remind them, like, hey, remember when I when I was in the fat city, you know, memory I took care of you, buddy. And I was kind of hoping somebody like that would show up and or somebody would show up and just kind of maybe buy me a drink, and and, so I knew that was my only beer, and I couldn't drink it too fast because as soon as I wasn't buying they were gonna kick me out. And I was in that kind of shape that even in the Buckaroo Tavern, you know, they had their eye on me. They were like, okay, we'll just give you a beer. Sit over there and be quiet, and we'll give you a beer.

And, and I was drinking my beer, and I got about halfway through my beer, and it started coming back up. And I ran out the door of the bucket tower, I threw up on my way out, and, and that was my last drink. And and I I didn't get sober that day, that was my last drink. I continued to use for another day or 2 days, and I kind of lost track of time, and I actually I really don't have a good recollection of the next several days. But I ended up behind a McDonald's in Seattle, and there are 2 buildings.

There is a Viking bar that's called Hagar's, which means, you know, Norwegians and Swedes drink in there. There's this Viking bar named Hagar's, and and then next door to that is the McDonald's. And in between there is like this facade, so from the front if you walk by you think it was all connected in one building. But if you go around behind in the parking lot there's a space between that building that you can get in. And, and I found that space somehow and I'd also been over behind the store digging around.

I found this big huge piece of cardboard and I kinda made a piece of cardboard lean thing between there, so people couldn't see in. And I sat there and just kind of existed and I was shooting speed balls. And I was telling Tom today that, and we'll talk about this more when I get to a men's, that you know, I don't have any idea to this day where I got the money for that because my memory was spending my last few dollars at the Buckaroo Tavern. And as I threw up, I got desperate, and I did something, I don't know what, but I had money, and I had drugs, and I sat there for a couple of days until of course I was out of money and drugs again, behind that McDonald's. And I could look out from that McDonald's if I if I went out, I could look across, there was a big open parking AA hall.

This is actually the big back porch on this hall, it's called Fremont Hall in Seattle. And, there was a big porch back there and I could see the AA people there and I'd been in and out and in and out of AA. I was in my first treatment center when I was 17, and I was on about number 5 at this time. And, and those are ones I finished, you know, I checked into a lot of detoxes and stuff, and then when the fever was on, I would jet, you know, within 24 hours. And, but I could see that AA hall, but then I just would go back and I'd sit there and I could hear the drive thru too at the McDonald's, that was the thing that really freaked me out.

I could hear the drive thru, and I could hear them say, Yeah, I'll have a number 3 supersized with a Diet Coke. And then I think, oh, my God. And I think what they said was, Hey, there's a freak back there shooting Coke. Somebody and then the next guy then I'd hear the next guy pull up, and I'd and I'd think they were saying, and then I'd think they were saying, call the FBI, and I'm thinking, oh my god, no. And, you know, I've since found out that the FBI doesn't spend doesn't have a huge budget for those kind of, you know, behind McDonald's guys.

But I was convinced, you know, that this this the federal government was involved somehow with with my not being sober. And but I knew a guy that I had actually lived with as a kid. His family lived in the same neighborhood as where I started drinking. And I ended up at a time in my life, I ended up living, his family took me in and I lived with his family for a period of time. So this guy was like a brother to me.

And he was going to AA at that time and he was going to that hall, and I knew it. I knew that he would be there if I would just go. And and I knew the meetings were about 8 o'clock, and I kind of well, what the hell else am I gonna do? I'll go to that meeting. My friend Donner will be there, and he and his girlfriend now it's his wife now, but it was his girlfriend at that time.

They'll take me in, and they'll nurse me back to health on their couch like they've done many times. And, and you know, I had no intention of getting sober. I had no intention of of wanting to be sober. I had no intention of trying to get sober. It just wasn't there.

I mean, I was I wasn't even a want to want to guy. I was just a guy I was just in so much fear of what would happen if I actually, you know, had to get sober of what that would be like. And my experience was always, you that I would get sober for a period of time, and that deal we'll talk about, we're gonna talk about that tonight when we come back in after the break, that restless, irritable, and discontent deal would happen. And I would get to a place where I was actually paralyzed with fear, sober, and I would get to a place where I had to drink, where I had to drink. It was either drink or kill myself.