The Primary Purpose Group of Dallas 19th Anniversary

Now I'd like to open this meeting with our first speaker, Wendy Carden. Come on down. Okay. Hi, everyone. I'm Wendy Carden, and I am a grateful recovered Al Anon.

I know a lot of you know I do belong to another fellowship, but in keeping the singleness of purpose, I am going to focus on my Al Anon experience. I didn't wanna be an Al Anon. I will tell you that right now. My sponsor from the other fellowship said to go, and I said, but I already have a 12 step program. And she said, you need another one.

And so I went. And she was right, and I'm forever grateful for that. I'd like to start off since it's our it's our 19th anniversary. I, I do it makes me think of Elaine Bishop a lot. When I went into Al Anon, I don't think I would've I could've stood it if she was not in there.

She was I mean, if you wanna talk about attraction rather than promotion, this woman had it. I mean, I would go in there, and I was not happy about going into El Anon. And she was there, and she would talk with me. And there's no way you could not want what this woman had. I mean, she was just so serene and accepting of everything, and she just really helped me a lot, in those early years.

I do qualify for Al Anon, and I wanna talk a little bit about what Al Anon is. Al Anon is for people who are affected by alcoholism and alcoholism in a friend or a loved one. And I certainly qualify for that. I think I qualify from the day I was born. But, what they what happens with an Al Anon, you know, you may be wondering what step 1 is for the Al Anon.

And what it is is that, we have this, obsession that we have control over alcoholism in other people. And so you know? And we will go great lengths to try to fix them and control them. And, it doesn't stop there because if you've ever tried to fix an alcoholic, you know it usually doesn't go very well. And so we tend to that control tends to spread into every aspect of our lives.

You know? It'll go far beyond the alcoholic and into every, you know, relationship and situation that I may come in contact with. I to give you an example, I'll qualify myself. As a little girl even, when I was, like, 8 or 9 years old growing up, I grew in Michigan on 40 acres, and, we lived way out in the country and I had 6 cousins that lived down the road. And me and my little sister, Carrie, would get together with these 6 cousins, and we would, get together every weekend and every day during the summer.

And we'd all start throwing out ideas about what we were gonna do that day. You know? Is it gonna be softball? Are we gonna go walking through the swamp or whatever? There's a lot of things to do.

And everyone would be throwing out all all these ideas, and then they would look to me to make the decision. And it's not because I was the oldest. There was a boy and a girl who were both older than me, and it sure as heck wasn't because I was the smartest. It was just because I was the most controlling and the most and the bossiest of us. And it was just and, you know, it sounds very democratic when you say that they're throwing out ideas, but I will guarantee you I was more a dictator because I did not consider what anyone else wanted to do.

It always boiled down to what I wanted to do regardless of whatever everyone else was suggesting. I also when I was, little, my dad gave me a nickname, which kinda sums up my whole childhood, and he used to call me worrywart Wendy. It applied. Believe me. I worried about everything constantly.

I, you know, and and looking back on that, I see that that was just my matter of wanting to control everything. It was very selfish. I was in constant fear that things were not going to go the way I wanted them to go. So even back then, my parents should have quickly put me in Al Anon. I grew up with alcoholism in my family.

I, my mother and just, you know, all sorts of people around me. You know, it was always I didn't really know it at the time because if there wasn't in the beginning, a whole bunch of chaos and, you know, how you might look to think of an alcoholic home, but it was always underneath the surface there, and there's always that feeling that something is not right in this household. And, so it's I just really never knew. And especially as I got older, you know, and my stepfather came to the picture, and he was big time, you know, beer at the breakfast table, that type of thing, and lots of, you know, whiskey drinking and gun shooting at the same time in the backyard, and you can imagine the chaos. So, yeah, it got a little bit, you know, where I was like, what's gonna happen today?

I had my first opportunity to work on an alcoholic, when I was about 16, and that's a pretty young age to start trying to fix someone. But, my younger sister, she, by the time she was she's about a year younger than me, and by the time she was 15, she was almost a daily drinker, and she was a blackout drinker at that time. And I remember we'd have long talks in our bedroom at night, and I would sit there and reason with her and tell her, you know, and I hold up. You know, every person that we knew who had a problem with drinking in our family, you don't wanna be like them. You don't wanna be like them.

And she's like, oh, no. I don't. And and I would, you know, and I would, you know, get these promises from her, and and then she would go out and do it again, and then I would get mad. And I'm like, what you told me. You know?

And she, the thing is we didn't realize we are dealing with the disease of alcoholism, you know, something far bigger than we could ever handle. But, of course, I was so used to handling everything, and I knew I could fix her. And I would spend the next 25 years trying to do that with this girl. And what I didn't realize at that time, even as a teenager, she was very scared. She didn't know what's going on, and I know I was scared for her.

So, anyways, fast forward into my adulthood, and I get married. And, of course, I ran the show just the way I always did. You know? I got married. We had kids.

I everyone did what I said. And and if if I didn't think they could handle doing it themselves, I would do it. And what happens I don't know if any of you can relate to this, but, you know, I would do everything, and then I would get mad that no one else was doing anything even though I wouldn't let them do anything. It was just you know, no one did it good enough. And it was funny.

I was thinking the other day about, something that my husband said. My first husband, we, he said he used to say mom's cold. Everyone put a sweater on. And while that sounds kinda funny on the service, in looking at that statement, I'm like, jeez. That's exactly how our household was.

Mom's not happy. You guys better start acting right, so she will be happy. You know, because if I wasn't happy, no one was. And if they weren't happy, I wasn't. You know?

So it was just I mean, it it was pretty messed up. So, anyways, after the years, I I tried to fix these people, and I ran the show, show, and I kept on going. I wanna read something a little bit out of this, out of the big books about big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And, yes, I am reading out of the book of Alcoholics Anonymous. In our Al Anon group here, we study the book in here, right out of Alcoholics Anonymous.

When Leslie was reading the thing, it said, we recover by working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and where better to recover from anything, you know, that I have a problem with than by the book that has the precise instructions in it. And and just in case you're thinking, oh, yeah. They probably read the pages and then sit around and talk about, yep. That's my alcoholic. That's how they do it.

You know? Yeah. We don't. We turn everything in this book back on ourselves. And and it's, and it applies to the Al Anon every bit as much as, you know, the alcoholic.

If you stop and think about it, it does say in the forward to the first edition that this, way of living has its advantages for all, and there are over 300 other fellowships based on these 12 steps. And there if you stop and think about the only thing that doesn't apply to an alanon in here is the allergy. Everything else they're talking about how to live. They're talking about an obsession. And the obsession for an Al Anon is that we can control.

I mean, we talk about control a lot. And like I said, it's not just the alcoholic. It spreads into every aspect of our life. But on page what what I wanna look at? Oh, yeah.

In 2 in the, family after work on that page, 122, It says years of living with an alcoholic is almost sure to make any child neurotic. The entire family is, to some extent, ill. I have a side note here. If you know someone who may qualify for El Anon, do not pick these two sentences out of this book and go and say that to them. I'm talking from experience here because that's exactly what I do with my sister.

She grew up in the alcoholic family with me, and I've read these, and she was not happy to be called theoretic or ill. I mean, because an an Al Anon comes into an Al Anon group, and a lot of times I mean, I was told to go there, but a lot of times and you'll hear Al Anon say this. They come in there because they're pretty much out of ideas of how to fix this, alcoholic in their lives. And then so they're like, I know. I'll go to Al Anon, and they'll give me some new ideas of how to fix them.

And, unfortunately, when they come in here, they're gonna hear something more like this. And and I will say something here. It's kind of interesting, and I can say it's almost kind of amusing too when you get new people in Al Anon, and they're ready to really tell you about what that alcohol has done to them and blah blah blah. And and we all kinda sit forward in our chairs to watch their reaction when we say something like this. We wives or whoever found that like everybody else, we were affected, afflicted with pride, self pity, vanity, and all the things which go to make up the self centered person personality, and we were not above selfishness or dishonesty.

And when they when you say that to them, they're sitting there going, what? I'm not the 6th one, and I'm not the selfish one. You did not see what this person did to me and all that I had done for them. And that's what this is all about. We talk about you know, we all have really good motives in trying to help these people.

But what it really the truth of the matter is that I found is that my motives were all about me. If you're okay, I'm going to be okay. And my obsession is that I'm going to do everything I can to make you okay so I can be okay. Basically, my solution is you're okay. That's a pretty sorry way to live.

You know? It's not because no one's ever gonna act right all the time, ever. And what I'm doing is I'm playing god in someone's life, and I'm telling them I think I know how they need to act. Everything in this book applies so much to the Al Anon on page 60, at the bottom of that, it says I'm just gonna paraphrase on this. It says, if his arrangements would only say put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great.

Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. And that's how I ran I lived my whole life. If you would just do what I want you to do, you would be so much happier, and so would I. You know? And and that's what it's all about.

And and it goes on to say that, everybody in Flim Sub in between, life would be wonderful in trying to make these arrangements. Our after baby is sometimes quite virtuous. He can be kind, conservative, patient, generous, even modest and self sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish, and dishonest. But with most of us, they're likely to have varied traits.

So it goes on to say, what usually happens? A show doesn't come off very well, and that's usually what does happen. You know? No one's gonna follow my little plans. It's kinda like on page 85 where, you know, in the meditation, 85 to 86, it talks about how we consider our plans for the day.

Well, I would get up and I would consider my plans for the day, and then I would consider your plans for the day. And I would write a script for me and how you were supposed to respond. Now let me tell you a little. I have, as the years go on, I, I have a son who this is what really brought me to my knees in Al Anon. It's just, he started you know, he was out there drinking and using drugs, and and I was doing everything.

And I thought I was entitled, especially since I was his mother. And the thing is it doesn't matter what whether they're a child or an adult. I got if they don't wanna quit, they're not going to. And it took a long hard time and a lot of good sponsorship to get to that point where I could back off of this kid. I put him in treatment 2 times.

I my every thought was how I could say the same thing 50 different ways to get him to understand. You know? And the thing is is that if I'm sitting there talking to him, and I'll say, do you want to quit? And he says, no. And, how many different ways can you say that?

Well, I came up with a lot of them. Surely, he didn't understand what I asked him, so I have to think of a different way to phrase this. But the thing is is that, I mean, when he said no, I would be like, oh, that's the wrong answer. You're not following your script, you know, here. So it's, you know and the thing is that you see how and it it talks about countless vain attempts, and I will do this over and over and over again, and it becomes an obsession.

It becomes my main purpose in life is to fix this person. And, I also, you know, like I said, spreads into everything every other aspect of my life, into every relationship and every I mean, I'm the person at work, you know, making $10 an hour saying the CEO has no idea what he's doing with these changes. You know? Even though he has this, you know, a master's and teen 1000000 years experience and he's turned companies around. I know best.

I'm also the person riding the dark van going, why are they taking this route? They should be taking this route. You know? And the last thing a dark driver wants to hear is some blind chick in the back of the van telling him which way to go. So so I have a dark prayer in my big book.

You know? It is and it always ends with, do I have any control over this? No. I have to constantly be on on alert for this. These 12 steps, I can't tell you what they have done for me.

If if you're if you have a family member, you know, that you were struggling with, I just want you to know that you can be happy, and this is a promise in the book. You can be happy regardless of anything or anyone. You can be happy whether they're using or drinking or whatever the deal may be. You don't have to live in their misery. And that was one thing I couldn't, it took a while to get a hold of.

You know? So it, Al Anon, it really is when you come in, it's about getting that identification going, you know, listening to other people who have dealt with that. A lot of Al Anon truly come in, and it's like, I didn't even know I needed to be here. I came here to be supportive of, you know, this person or that person, and then they're like, oh my gosh. And the thing is, it says it has its advantages for all and that if someone is living on a spiritual basis who has an alcoholic who's practicing this this program, how cool is that?

That you're both have, you know, have the a God centered relationship. So there's all sorts of good reasons, you know, to work this. I'll tell you a little bit. I'll give you a short story of something that happened with my son after many I mean, just trying and trying. The first time, it talks about in the book how our our, homes are battle grounds, and, oh my gosh.

That's how it was. What I didn't realize is that it wasn't necessarily the person who was drinking that was causing the problems. It was my reaction. You know? It's like, they would be fine.

You know? My son would come home, and he's like, hey. And I would be like, I would just start in on him and let the chaos ensue. It was me. And, I would still remember the first time he started to say something, and I said something, and then I stopped.

And he was always used to kind of us going back and forth, and then it ended up with screaming and yelling and doors slamming and, you know, that was that. But I stopped, and there's a page in this book that talks about how we can say you may be right. And I did that. And he was like he just kinda looked at me and, like, has she lost her mind? I will never forget the look on his face.

And as I started practicing picking up on it. And if if I started to raise my voice, I would picking up on it. And if if I started to raise my voice, they would go, why are you raising your voice? And I would be like, you know? I mean and that's the thing.

It kinda ripples out, and and the thing is is that we all got used to having a calmer, happier home, and we were all more willing to work towards that. Not just me, but them, just because I took the lead and started that. That is cool. I'll tell you about this Thanksgiving, And this is just about how it is now. It's, I invited we were having Thanksgiving at my, sisters, and I invited my older son over.

And he, and I didn't know if he'd show up or not. You know, he's kind of at that stage where it's like, you know, if he comes, he comes if he doesn't. But, he showed up at the door, and I went to the door and opened the door. And and his eyes are about this big, and he's got that, you know, smile on his face. And I you know, my first thought is, oh my god.

He's wasted. And, in the past, here's how this would have played out. I would have said, oh my god. What is my sister going to think? And then I would have had to drag him off to some private place and say, I can't believe you showed up here like this.

And I would have said, how can you do this to me? Because that's what we think. They're doing it to us. We think it's all about why are you doing this to me? And it's not about that.

They have a disease. You know? It's it's not something they control. They're not doing it to me. It's just what he's doing, and he's sick.

And then I would have had to go in the kitchen and make dinner with my sister and and make all sorts of excuses for him. And and, oh gosh. I can't believe he turned you know, he came like that. I'm so sorry, but, oh gosh. What am I gonna do with this kid?

And if she had said anything bad about him, then I would immediately become defensive and start defending him, you know, because that's what we do. We can talk about him, but no one else can. And that's how it that would have played out, and there would have been that that feeling that I was talking about earlier in the home of what happens in when there's, you know, an alcoholic or sick person in the midst. There would have just been that underlying, you know, something's not right. And I would have started that through the whole day for everyone in my family.

Instead, I opened up the door, and he's standing there with his little eyes and that smile on his face, and I went, oh my god. He's wasted. And, and the thought came for just a brief moment. What's my sister gonna think? And then I was gone.

God did that for me. From working these 12 steps and getting connected to a power, who can remove that obsession that I have any control over this person? I can just love him how he is regardless of what he's doing, and it's not my job to be in there trying to fix him and everything. And and, you know, it was so cool to be able to say, hi. Come on in.

Give him a hug. And, you know, he he even put on a button up shirt. It was wrinkled as all get up, but that's okay. You know? He's 19, and he's single, so, you know, I'll give him that.

But, you know, and by the time we sat down to eat dinner, he was even coherent enough to contribute to the conversation. So but the thing is is that I was just like, I'm glad you're here, and I truly was. I was just glad that I can have a relationship with him today regardless of what his choice is right now. And the fact of the matter is is that I do tell him, you know, if you ever need help, I know lots of people I can hook you up with, and he knows that. He knows that.

And we have a pretty good relationship. I have another story. Since I have a couple more minutes, I'm gonna tell this quick story too. Because I talk about how it goes into every aspects of our life, how it affects everything that we do. And I was, my my stepfather died, in November, and I had the thing is is that I had to fly to get there, and I'm not real big about flying.

I was always very fearful about that. And if you remember, I talked about when I was younger, I was always in fear of everything. Always in fear of being out of control. Always in fear of what was gonna happen. Always thinking, you know, and that was my, you know, worry weren't windy.

I just everything I had to worry about, and it was based on fear, which is selfish because it's all about me and what I wanted. The thing is is that I got on this plane, and I tense stepped it, and I was ready to go. And I was still scared, and I got on this plane. And they took off. And, again, I'll tell you about how it used to be.

You know? And, actually, I hadn't flown in, like you know, since I was 21, which is okay, a long time ago. Okay. It's only over 20 years ago. So, anyway, I, so I get up there, and I'm that was a long time ago.

It was more than 20. Anyways, I, so I get on this plane, and I'm ready to go. And I'm and my first thought was back then was always and it all starts to me back to me. When we take off, I'm like, oh gosh. We're never gonna get up enough speed to make it.

He's gonna try and take off, and he's not gonna have enough, you know, power, and we're gonna crash. Okay? That's my first thought. Then when we get in the air, you know how they start going to the side? My thought was always that pilot is such an idiot.

He's awkward. He's about to crash into another plane, and that's why we're going this way because he's trying to avoid a midair collision. Okay? Then when we're coming in for landing, I go, I know he's not gonna put the wheels down. And then I hear the plunk, and I would be like, you know what?

They're not locked in place. We're gonna land, and those wheels are gonna pop right back up into the plane. We're all gonna die. And the thing is is that this was my thoughts about the whole thing. I had everything figured out.

I had never learned how to fly. I'd never been in a cockpit. I know nothing about any of this, but I knew exactly what he was doing wrong and how he was going to kill us all. But the thing thing is is this time, we got up, and I was okay with it. We got up in the air, and that thought came into my head when we started to bank, we're gonna crash.

And then it was immediately replaced by, oh, he's getting on course. That pilot knows what he's doing. It's not all the time I get opportunities that clear to me about how this Al Anon program has worked to me where I have been able to let go of that control of every single situation just because I wasn't up there flying the plane, which I always thought I should have been. You know, the thing is is that I realized that that's what that fear was all based on. It was all based on me not being in control of the situation, a situation I had no business being in control of.

And the flight was amazing. I actually was having fun, you know, after I realized that. And, you know, I I prayed before I got in that plane, and God showed me this. And and I prayed for the pilot and the staff. That never hurts.

You know? And so but it was, you know, but it was just so amazing to me that that I could look at this and say, this is really an amazing way to live. I could actually enjoy this experience, and that has happened all through in every aspect of my life. I can let people do what they need to do, and I can stay out of their way. I struggle with it still, and that's why I have a sponsor.

I have 2 sponsors, and they both agree I need both of them, and I need one program does not work without the other. I can guarantee that. I absolutely need this. And, I would I invite any family alcoholism, come come study with us. You know?

We we study right now in this book, and, it's an amazing way to live. And I thank you all so much for listening.