The Open Door Fellowship hall of Alcoholics Anonymous in Lancaster, CA

I hear feedback. It's in my head. My name's Deandre and I'm an alcoholic. Woah. Woah.

Uh-oh. Now now all of my enemies are showing up now that I can't get off the podium. How's it going? Oh, god. It's good to be home.

Electrify the stage, ladies. We all know who that was. Thank you, Nicholas. Grateful to be sober. Good to be home.

This is my home group. Home. Home is where the heart is. Phil, wow. Look at all the people coming in.

There's Frank. My god. Oh, you're fine. Yep. Thought we got rid of these people.

Good to be sober. Wanna thank my sponsor family for driving all the way out here. It's a long haul for a lot of my friends, to come out. I told them that I got sober here, so they thought they had to come and help support me, because this is a place where a lot of my wreckage took place in early sobriety, not necessarily drinking. My sobriety date is May 29th, 1991, and my cue card is right there, that plaque up on the wall.

It's been there for quite a while, and, it's good to be sober. Wow. Jesus Christ. I can't leave now. I mean, I was thinking about drinking tonight.

Shit. Good to be sober. I'm I'm, I'm recovering from surgery. I had surgery a week ago today on my throat and, adenoids. They took my adenoids out.

They were gonna take my tonsils, but, I begged him to really work around that and he did. But it took about an hour for them to get the breathing tube down my throat. So, it's caused a lot of discomfort and a lot of pain, and I'm still kicking. I'm still here, still alive. I'm really happy, man.

I to start off, I I got sober at Warm Springs, but before then I drank, in a little town right outside of this one called Watts. And I drank and I got loaded and I ran and I loved it and it was the best time of my life, man, until, this place, which you weirdos. But I love living that that that sort of, life of the sick and aimless, you know, and just moving in a grooving and making sure that not only am I running from this disease, but I'm running from the wreckage as well, you know, because I know, by the time it was almost ready for me to be at Warm Springs, I knew that, there was some shit collapsing. Big Book says that, you know, we go on these senseless sprees and, you know, the structure is brought down after we have accomplished some things or basically, stayed sober for a little while or managed our drinking or whatever. And that's what kind of alcoholic I am.

I'm one of those alcoholics that you can't trust just because it looks good and feels better for you to be around me. This This disease is on the inside. And on the outside, I mean, it's kinda like dressing up a trash can. You know, I know how to put on this image. Big Book says that, I know how to live this double life.

And that's what I was doing, while I was out there is putting out this image in in regards to my drinking that I didn't wanna stop, you know. And I had no idea that it wasn't wasn't like some sort of a prideful thing or some sort of fucking, you know, like power. It was the obsession to drink. And my obsession to drink, arrange it gets me to a point where I arrange everything around alcohol. Everything, including a long stretch of sobriety without the steps, but I'll get to that later.

And part of my insanity in in dealing with this obsession to drink is beyond my control. I can't control it. People say that certain things happen and then they went and got drunk. Well, see, I'm an alcoholic. I wake up drunk.

Oh, nice. See? I'm asleep and all of a sudden I wake up and fuck. I'm loaded. You know?

And it's almost like a freebie. I don't even remember how I got it done. You know? And, this insanity just pursued me, followed me wherever I went because and the reason why I term it like that is I thought that it was a big it was these outside situations or how you were telling me I should feel. Or like in school when they say, you have an attitude problem.

You know. My response is, yeah. That's because you don't agree with me. If you agree with me, you would see that my attitude is fine. And, that kind of, screwy thinking, the big book calls it, you know, we have these I I have this idea that's grounded in reality and right next to it is the insanity and the game that I play to get to that front drink.

So that's why you can't really go by the outsides with this guy. You know, and part of the thing that took place before I got into rehab was I had started not being able to really stay with the people who drank almost as much as I did. They had started rejecting me also because I wound up living on 5th and San Julian. I know how some people in the a say that Skid Row is in your mind. I'm telling you that Skid Row feels really different when it's on your ass.

And, and and and that's where I wound up and and I love Skid Row, man. Being downtown, I remember the first night that I went down there, my mother had kicked me out of the house. And, you know, a lot of people when they get thrown out of the house, they're devastated. It was like, oh, fuck. I can't live there anymore.

And my natural thought when my mother kicked me out was, right on. I'm gonna get loaded as hell. Yeah. You know? Gippee.

You know, like those sporting events. I'm going to Disneyland. You know what I mean? It's like and I went downtown. Somebody had told me about downtown.

A friend of mine had said that it was sort of like, you know, like in the little cartoon Pinocchio where you can just go downtown and everybody and nobody's really responsible for anything, especially reality. And you can drink and and get bored and be, drunk forever. And, and I was I was attracted to that. I like that. I like the way that sound.

Plus, I was wearing this camouflage hat that sort of resembled some of the Disney, characters, like a Peter Pan hat. And I had flip buttons around this hat and I was I was in my own world when it came to the first drink, you know. And, and I went down there and I got on that bus and I rode that bus down there. And I got off the back of that bus, man. And I felt that, like that white lady in that movie, The Sound of Music, where she's spinning around on the hill, the hill, on.

I just felt like I was in at home. And I love downtown. And on certain days, if it gets a little rough for me, I I envision being down there still. Not putting up with you or me, you know. Real alcoholic.

And, after living down there for about 2 years, without a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, I was pretty much a dead man talking. And I had done that to myself and I knew it. And it wasn't because, people were forcing me to get drunk. It was because I always made drinking, being about making it, you know. As long as I could get loaded, I'm making it.

And most people in my life would be telling me, man, if you would stop getting loaded, you'd make it. And I'm an alcoholic. I think backwards, you know? I don't think right when it comes to alcohol without some sort of a alcohol without some sort of a psychic change. And what happened was I wound up getting thrown out of that it's really hard to get thrown out of Watts.

I mean, if somebody throws out a Watts, you got some problems. And, and I got thrown out of there and, and I I I was I was I was at a place where I realized that not only was my drink catching up with me, but my insides had started matching my outsides. And that's when I accepted that I was really in some serious trouble. That no longer could I show up at your party and you would drop me off on an alley corner and I'd say, well, I live right there and you drive off and I'd go sleep on the street. You know, all of that stuff was catching up with me because people were starting to ask me questions, you know.

Like, why? What is that odor? You know, because that so people would just be looking around and I would be like, well, I don't know shit. I don't know. Your mama.

You know? Because I don't wanna deal with the reality of the first drink, man. And and that first drink is is so powerful, you know, because it's like, the relapse has happened long before I take it. You know? There's a term that I've been hearing in the last several years now that Shalaby and I talk about over the phone is, fake it till you make it.

And the reason why that phrase rubs me the wrong way because, first of all, it's not in the big book. No one in that big book business says, you know what? Go ahead and fake it till you make it. You know, it tells me that I need some rigorous honesty. And I don't know how to do that without some help.

I'm in constitutionally incapable of being honest about the first drink. And so basically, what happens is my insides starts matching my outsides. And all of a sudden, I start realizing that people are finding out. People around me my mother is warning people now that I'm in the area. She's telling people.

I don't know where he's on his way, but he just left from over here. Keep an eye on him. You know? And basically, what happened is I wound up getting, beat up by 2 of some very close dear friends of mine. They beat my ass, out and, and they sent me to, the hospital.

And, and in that hospital, they gave me pain medication. And I'm an I'm a real alcoholic. I'm not someone who can take a certain drug, change the name of what I really am, and still try, to keep the sham up. I I don't know how to do that. And, and I abused that pain medication, like an alcoholic untreated will do, no matter what you call them.

Aunt's house, and she had told me that she did not want me, my aunt's house. And she had told me that she did not want me to live in the house anymore. That I could sleep on the floor in the garage, but that I was not allowed in the home anymore. And, some of it had to do with that odor, probably. But a lot of it had to do with my behavior.

And, I wound up, sleeping on that garage floor. And one morning, she, told me to go down to Big General Hospital and go to the little surf social services area apart department and see if those people could help you. And, and I went ahead and got on the bus, and I went down there to the hospital. She had given me the money, and I didn't spend it on a 40 ouncer. You know?

And, and I went to Big General Hospital and there was this little white lady sitting in this little, like, little all I can envision is seeing her in, like, this little tent, like, office booth thing. And she said, we don't have anything here for you, but you need to go down the street to this little place, a little referral agency place for rehabs. And, the place was called El Centro. And there, I met a man named Ronnie Mesias. And, Ronnie Mesias told me the most profound thing that I had ever heard in my life.

He told me that I was 24 years old, I was already living on Skid Row, and I wasn't gonna make it. And, and for some reason, I believed him. I don't know why and I don't really care. And he walked out of the little cubicle thing to go get these bus tickets, which I now know now. And, when he walked out, I got on my knees and I and I asked god to help me.

That's all I said. And, when he came back, I stood up because I didn't want him to see me, you know. I mean, by all means, I gotta still look good and feel better, you know. And, and he wound up putting me in a hotel room for 7 days. But I'm the pitch is going pretty well, but I keep thinking about this fly strip behind me and it's driving the crazy guy.

I was Really alcoholic here. Lunch. I don't know. And I I had to get that out, you know. Would somebody please answer their phone?

Whose phone is that? In the name of I remember the first time I saw a homeless person with a cell phone, I was furious. Motherfucker got a cell phone. Homeless. 9 year on the bike.

Exactly. I so what happens is I go to the hotel. I lived there for 7 days, and I'm catching the bus back and forth from the hotel to Ronnie's office. And unbeknownst to me, I find out later, he's trying to find a rehab to put me in. Not once did he say go to AA.

You know, that's how come I know we're lacking in 12 step work around these rooms. They don't even call us half the time. They call the rehabs now. And that's what he was doing. And, and I remember, on the last day, I know this is starting to sound a little like Christianity, those 2 beers and talked about the conflict in the Middle East until 4 in the morning.

And then I caught the bus back down to Ronnie's and he told me to call, Warm Springs Rehabilitation Center. And, he said, go down to the volunteer building and wait for the volunteers of America building on 5th and Spring. They're 5th and San Julian. And I knew where that was because I had been living down there before the hotel. And, and I went on down there.

And I don't know why I did that. And I don't care. And, I went in there and I called the lady called Yolanda, who still works at Warm Springs. And every time I call her, she knows exactly who I am before I identify. She recognizes my voice for the past 16 years.

And, I talked to her and she said, how long have you been sober? And I said, well, I should have around 7 days, but I really don't, kinda, almost. And she said, well, you have to be sober when you come to Warm Springs. And I had saw before I went into the building, I had saw a little piece of a roach on the ground. And I know where they're meeting at, the roaches that those part of a marijuana joint.

And I picked that up and I smoked them, and then I went in and made the phone call to start my recovery. You know? And she told me that, I should get on the van anyway. And that was on May 28th 1991. So I got on that van and I've been, sober ever since.

So I'm probably not gonna spend, a lot of time talking about drinking from here on out. And I got on that van and we went up that little road. And those of you who've gone to Warm Springs, you know that that road is like the road to Jericho, you know. So Jesus put his parishes. You know, it's hard to get in there, you know.

And, on that on that van ride, I was with like 2 or or 3 other guys that had been picked up from, downtown and everybody was talking about, how many times they had gone to rehab. How many times they had been to these meetings. Somebody was saying something on the van about, Yeah. I heard they got a lot of meetings up there. And I was thinking to myself, meetings about what?

Meetings about these 3 warts that I got from my fucking arrest, you know, because there was a county emblem on the van, and I noticed that. Was listening was listening to these dudes. They were all in there, like, exchanging stories about the last time they tried to get me and stay sober. And, I I don't know. The the van ride just seemed to be dominated with that.

And I remember getting off that van and this little Mexican guy came over. And he he met me in general services. That's the building where you go in and check in, and and they kinda just see where you're at and what you got. And, I didn't have any underwear on. I had one pair of pants.

And the lady behind the counter, Eileen, she died about 10 years ago. She said, do you have any underwear? And I looked at her with the dignity of a homeless person With no draw though, you know. And I thought to myself, who is this lady? Because I'm in recovery now.

Right? See? I have not gotten loaded since that roach and I've admitted now that, you know, maybe these people could probably help me as long as they don't lock me up for these three warrants. So I'm automatically in general services like, you know, that that that the conjuring up, how my mind is gonna fit around, this first drink again. That's where I'm automatically going as an alcoholic when I show up without without recovery, you know.

And, and I'm standing there looking at her as if I really do have underwear on and I'm being insulted by this woman, You know, wanting to know about my drawers and stuff. And, and I said, no. I don't. And I don't know why I did that. But I don't care.

And, little guy standing behind me, tripping off me. And he said, man, just come on. Because I could tell that he knew that I was embarrassed. And, he took me over to c dorm. And in that dorm, I, got put in the overflow bed, c 38.

And, and I, toughed it out. I, detoxed. I was throwing up. I was using the restroom a lot, and I couldn't leave to go and get food from the cafeteria. So it was against the rules to have food in the dorm.

And that guy snuck the food over to me. And I tried to eat what I could. And then 2 days after that, they put me in c 4. And, and I remember the night that they put me in c 4, I had, some sort of a vision or some sort of an experience that I don't really share about that much as much as I share. And and I woke up involved, you know.

And that scares me sometimes to think about that because it seemed as though I didn't have, any, control over that either. And, the next thing you know, man, I just started running around that place like I needed to be there. And I remember being voted in as the secretary of one of these meetings. And and I remember being voted in as the chairman of the entire fellowship. Now one thing about being AA steering committee chairman at Warm Springs is you don't have to take the steps, you know.

And I remember being in charge of all these meetings and going around. And I took the, the role of AA steering steering committee chairman to another level. Yeah. Because I started sitting here on all the AA meetings on the hill and monitoring, you know, monitoring the meetings and making sure that they were doing AA in the right way. You know?

And I remember sitting in one of the Spanish speaking meetings, making sure that even the Hispanic people in the community there were doing AA right. Problem is I don't speak Spanish. So but but I kinda guessed it. You know? And after leaving there, there's a guy that worked there.

His picture is about, 2, plaques over for me with his baby. He has since died. Kenny Washington was a counselor at, Warm Springs, and he was talking to me about the sober living home here in Lancaster. And while I was at Warm Springs, I was also in charge of theater therapy, which is a little theater arts program kinda thing. Kinda like, you know, look, the little rascals on crack, something like that.

And I remember, you know, my brother came up and met Kenny and gave Kenny money to so I could go and live at the sober living home. And, and I moved to Lancaster, you know. I just came here. I didn't go back to LA because I didn't real I didn't I didn't think that there was anything there that could really help me. The only thing I knew that was, in LA is the records that I had left there, but I didn't wanna go back.

And I came here to this community here, Lancaster. And, the open door when I got sober used to be about 5 doors down on the corner. And, and those people changed my life forever. And, met a man named Dennis Lee at that first noon meeting that I had gone to the morning I got out of Warm Springs. And, I was, talking in a meeting about how I wanted to get drunk.

It was a month before my AA sobriety birthday. I had lived at Warm Springs for 11 months. It's a 90 day program. Hide go hide from the first drink, you know. And, when he met that noon meeting, something about what he was sharing in the meeting.

He'd made mention of how dirty the floor was, and he said, this floor is really dirty, but we really got a clean program here. And, I went up to him after the meeting and asked him to be my sponsor. And the reason why I asked him to sponsor me is because from what I've been hearing around the meetings, you needed a sponsor in order to, I guess, seem as though that you weren't gonna come back to rehab again, like all the other people I was hearing up there. And, and I started talking to him and, I was telling him that I had already worked the first three steps in rehabilitation. I had completed my step packet that they had given me.

And he told me that's wonderful. You know? He told me that's really good, that you know about steps 1, 2, and 3, but I want you to learn from me what I know about steps 1, 2, and 3. Because we need to get you started on your inventory. And I kind of looked at him, you know, in a very disturbed manner because I had no intentions on taking your steps.

You know, I had seen the steps in Warm Springs. I had read them on the wall, and I kinda figured they were like work problems. You read 1 and kinda figure out what sort of answer you want for yourself, and then go to the next one, and you didn't allow that. And I'm just so grateful I met Dennis Lee before a lot of you guys got a chance to tell me about it, you know. Because I don't think I would have cooperated.

At any rate, you know, he would, spend a lot of time with this alcoholic. In the middle of work, home, and play, Dennis Lee made time for Deandre. You know, and I remember complaining to a couple of my friends who are no longer sober. Most of the people that openly allow me to complain about AA are no longer here. They're gone.

And I would tell them why is he picking me up and the meeting is right around the corner? I don't need a ride to a meeting that is a block and a half away from the sober living home that I live in. And I tell the story like it was a little Disneyland ride. He would pull up in the little red Volvo, I'd get into the little ride, he'd take me to the close friends would be walking by looking at me as if I was sort of trapped somewhere. And then once the meeting would start, we would come into the meeting, and then after the meeting, he would go out to the little red oval, and I would get inside the little red Volvo.

And then we go right around the block and he dropped me off at the sober living home. And that went on for at least a year and a half. You know? And, and I I I just got taken through the steps. He would give me these little writing assignments, based on the material that we were covering in the book.

And he would tell me what to do. Now I know that people in AA and this very meeting are against that. They don't feel comfortable being told what to do. And all I'm here to share is in the bottom of all of that craziness is, you know, that's the main problem I don't know how to I don't know how to stay away from the front drink on my own will. You know?

And, and I just did what he told me me to do repeatedly. You know? And I remember, coming to him with all these different complaints about what my dry ass friends would be agreeing with me on behind his back. You know? And he would just tell me little key, little caveats to keep me focused on what AA was about.

And I'm just sharing my own experience. Now I know that everybody doesn't have the same experience that I have with Dennis Lee, and I don't care. And, and I remember just following him in the meeting and going to the meeting. And then we would go over to his house, you know. And I don't understand why we have to go over to his house, but since when nobody else asked me to go to their house, I went to his.

And, and we would go and he would read. He would want to read the book again. We would read it at the club, and then we would read it at his house. And reading this book seemed to stimulate 8 and published in 1939. I think that there are run ons, 38 and published in 1939.

I think that there are run on sentences in this book. I believe that the structure of the writing is a plural. I don't like the transitions from one paragraph to the next. And what the fuck is a milady here? These are the questions that I had about the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

So instead of my, you know, genius of being able to examine the book, he suggested a dictionary. And we would look words up and and then he took me one time. I had some voc rehabilitation going on, and he took me to RadioShack to buy this little Franklin speller, which is a faster dictionary than the one that we were using. And I said, yeah. That's really neat.

He said, type in the word insanity. I was like, because I'm ready to look up some, like, you know, supercalifragilisticexpialidog. You know? I wanna look up some some words, Lindsay. And he said, type in insanity, and I'll never forget this.

It said, slanted perception of reality. And I remember you kept repeating You know, just like a broken record, you know. And, and and boy, I'll tell you, after that experience, when I when when I I got a job. Finally started working. Spiritual.

And, something spiritual about having a job. And I do not understand that at all still today, but I cooperate. I've been employable ever since. But we, went down to the place where I first started working in. He loaned me my first time and, he took me to the job interview and they hired me that day.

And, and I worked at that place for 6 years. And, and and, we didn't spend a whole lot of time talking about drinking all the goddamn time. You know? Rarely did we talk about drinking together. We spent most of our time talking about alcoholic synonyms.

And most of my friends who I hung out with, I could go through their names, but I I don't wanna do that. But, most of those people would be telling me, you know, he's boring. You know, why are you constantly with this man? And then I think he and Ike would work in shifts. The first man that he wrote, read his inventory to, one of the founders of this group, he would spend a lot of time with me too.

We would go eat a lot together. And it just seemed like one would be there, then all of a sudden the next one would be. It was almost like they had a signal. You know? And, and I remember just, you know, being taken to that job and getting that job and working there for 6 years and just being involved in this group.

You know, an open door for me is more than a place where you just come and and and and talk, take turns talking. Some sort of spiritual intervention took place for me here, not just as in regards to sobriety, but sociologically, drink to really being honest about how I think, you know, I would, before AA, stay sober and hate it. You know? And just resent the thought of not being able to get loaded. But for some reason, hanging out with these people and being involved with these functions and yelling at Doug and Nancy at the business meeting and really just making sure that whatever the hell was going on around here, I was gonna be sober and a part of it.

Because I knew they didn't really let drunk people do a whole lot here. They allowed the drunk people to come here. They even treated the drunk people nice. But drunk people never really got a chance to argue fact about this fucking shit. And I was not gonna get caught drunk around here proving that I didn't know shit about AA.

So God just used my ego and my character defects to help me get rid of them, I guess. I don't know. But I got involved then and I became the whatever if they needed it. If they needed somebody to run the Christmas party, I did it. If they needed somebody to get the list for the the sign this is before Doug took over.

But I just did it, you know. And I guess what I'm trying to share in a general way is most of the time when I talk to people who are on their way out of here or don't plan on staying here, it is truly because they are not connected to here, to AA. And a lot of people are experiencing Jack in the Box sobriety. They pull up to the window. They get whatever they need, and they drive off and leave us here with the new people.

And from afar, they criticize what we're doing with these new people as they are not here to help us. See that a lot. And one of the things I know about Dennis Lee in spite of all of the defects and the shit that I didn't like as he was always available when it came to alcoholics or not. And, and I remember just being involved to the point where I didn't wanna leave anymore. Being involved to the point where I didn't wanna leave anymore.

And I pray to God that I'm still there tonight. You know, it's been a long haul since then. I've moved here moved from here, about 4 years ago. My first move was to Simi Valley. And, Simi Valley is a little weird for a guy like me.

Living in Simi Valley to me, was really bizarre. They pull you over, like, when you first get off the 1st soft ramp. You get pulled over there and everybody checks you out. You drive about 4 more blocks and then homeboy has been radioed or something. They pull you over again.

Maybe they missed something. And that went on for about half a year, and I couldn't stand it. So I moved now and I live in Glendale, California. I've been in Glendale now, and I love Glendale. It's a small this morning this morning on the phone.

And, and it was a beautiful transition for me because not only did I leave the school district I was working with, but I I lay or got hooked up with this private company that pretty much does the same work that I was was doing there. And I've been there, going on 5 years now, you know, with this company. And, I got an email from my program manager this week telling me to stay away and get better so we can have you back here. You know, and and and this is the kind of love, and this is the kind of acceptance, and this is the kind of transition that can happen for you, newcomer. You know, I found myself accepting the things that I couldn't change about him and this group and being willing to stay in the loop of Alcoholics Anonymous regardless.

Because the 4th step puts me in AA and the 10th step keeps me in AA. It helps me survive the fellowship, you know. And I and I and I deal with my life in a way in which I could never do before, you know. And I get the support of the people who are following along. Not the people that are stuck in trying to figure out who's right or wrong, but I get the support and the help from the people that are following along, that are not straying away.

1 of the girls that I sponsor talks about the penguins and the march of the penguins. And the people the the the people on the penguins on the outside of the herd freeze to death because they don't get in there in the middle. And it's hard to fall off something if you're in it. So I don't spend a whole lot of time trying to get away from AA and get away from these people. Because I got my own agenda up here because my front drink experience grace of God.

And I believe that that's where AA is, in his grace, as crazy as we are. And, and that's one of the reasons why I just stick with it, man. There's a lot of days that it it gets a little salty around here. It doesn't feel good. If you're whining about being sober for 60 to 90 days, try doing it for 10 or 11 or 12 or 20 years, baba.

We all kind of get roughed up by reality. But nevertheless, there's some tools here that he taught me that is allowing me to stay put in Alcoholics Anonymous no matter what's going on, especially up here. And you guys to me are an example of what the hell I can be. I can be connected to a group of people who have a singleness of purpose today. You know?

I love alcoholics anonymous. And I'm not here to debate a goddamn thing with anybody. If you you don't like what we have and you're not willing to go through any link to get it, then you are gonna take certain steps. So I'm not begging anybody that has already started. My big book says, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start.

Once you've started, the begging stops, partner. You know? And, and I gotta be like that because I've been sober since my first meeting so far. So my attitude has to be a little bit more assertive. I don't believe that I can leave here and come back.

And I don't think it's because of some weird ass trip that I'm on. I believe it's based on the fact that I've been restored to sanity in regards to that front trick, man. And I'm trying to do whatever the hell I can to stay the hell away from it. The first drink, not the 3rd 40 ounce or the 4th burglary or the 5th trip into AA, but the first drink. You know?

And I and I beg to my my my father, my my heavenly father to keep me away from that son of a bitch. And and and and to steal a line from Dennis Lee, I think he would take it quite personally if I drank again. I don't know what your story is. I talk too much half the time to hear it anyway. But I know for me, my higher power would take it very personal if I drank.

You know, I love you people. You know, the love is in the people. I don't really believe it's necessarily in the principles. Those things are really hard to obtain, and I'm trying to strive there as best I can. But I believe the real love of Alcoholics Anonymous is in Shalaby and Steve and Dave Legg and Dennis Lee and Steve and Ike Winchell and Bob Bark.

You know, that's where the love is. It's in Doug and Nancy. And if you're new to this group, you need to find out who the fuck those people are. I'll give you a little clue. They're the people that your dry friends are avoiding.

Come join us. We do not want to join you. They used to tell us, we don't want what you have. We are trying to get rid of it. Come join us.

The water is fine. I remember 1 year, and I'll shut up. I'll wrap it up a little bit. I was, volunteering down at AA Central Office. And, Ike used to make me go down there because I wasn't working right after Warm Springs.

And, I hear people complaining about having to show up to a meeting regularly. Tried doing central office for 5 and a half hours, hearing nothing but AA, all these AA people, these AA scientists, AA lit I mean, it's a brainwashing fucking technique. None of my close friends right now do any volunteer work at a central office. And I hear them bitching about these little bitty parts of AA that they have to do, primarily a meeting and getting there. And my point is that when he made me do that now in my head said he made me do it.

It probably was just a subtle command. But nevertheless, I showed up for it. And that experience, I think it changed my sobriety by volunteering down at and and watching them answer that phone and listen to these crazy moms and these crazy parents and these crazy alcoholics and realizing that something more than being okay was happening with these people. And and and the tool of, you know, sponsorship and all of these little things that keep AA from falling apart, man. It's just so readily available for anybody.

But the only requirement for membership is this desire. I'm a pitch a little bit about that and shout out. To me, and this is just my experience, coupled with my opinion, experience is connected to my opinion. I am a human becoming. I experience is connected to my opinion.

I am a human becoming. I'm unfolding into something. And what I've experienced around here when it comes to AA is a fucking miracle. I have no idea how it's happening. The if you got other issues, if you got other fears that don't fit into our step work, there's a plethora of places where you can go.

I've had to go to those places because I understood through him and his friends that AA had a singleness of purpose. And it is my responsibility as a person who'd been around here for a little while to respect what that singleness of purpose is and to be an example of that in the meetings. And it's not to shun anybody. It's to welcome those who really have alcoholism. Because the front drink is, a motherfucker.

All these other problems of abundance, there's all these places I'm not allowed to stand up in that meeting and go, excuse me. I know that this conference is about autism, but my Honda is kicking ass, man. AA is about sobriety for me. AA is about being connected to love, and AA is about staying away from that front drink. And if you have a problem with that, we can help you.

But you gotta be willing to admit that that is the problem. The utter inability to leave it alone. No matter how great the wish, you know, I couldn't stay sober. You know? I love the open door, man.

This place we we fought for about 3 months to put air in here. We didn't want the air in here. We thought it would cost us too much money. And then a year when I came back, they put all this bullshit. It was like, fuck.

All that fighting for nothing. I remember one time we had an issue about how much coffee we were going to put in the filter. And we had this sort of rival going. We had the 2 scoop people against the 3 scoop people. Against the 3 scoop people.

As our newcomers die, I am a 2 scooper. Sit on the other side of the room, you know. And, I don't even drink coffee today. I haven't had a cup of coffee in 10 years, but my god damn it, that was just awesome at the time, you know. Being the 2 scooper I am the chairman of the 2 scooper.

You know how we get it. Hey, man. Things become important, like the door closed or the door open group. How many people want the back door open? Are you with me?

You know? And and when we lose we lose per we what is the purpose of Alcoholics Anonymous? You know? To me, I believe that the American Medical Association, they nail it. They say, don't drink and go to AA.

In spite of all the weird stuff that you hear and all the stuff that we see on TV and these people that are, like, passing out drunk, that are popular with their chips hanging out, you know, blowing our anonymity to shit. In spite of all of that then, God is still keeping us here, man. There are some tangible men and women here that are are really doing AA, that have not stepped out of the singleness of purpose for nothing. And those are the people that I'm looking for, man. Those are the people that I wanna die sober with.

If you're a newcomer, I hope you find something here other than the shit you brought here, I hope you find something in Alcoholics Anonymous. Shalaby is my ex wife, and I appreciate her taking the time to have me come out. And thanks for letting me share.