The Burbank Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Burbank, CA

Two drinks instead of 1. Yeah. My favorite. My name is Deandre, and I'm an alcoholic. Good morning.

Well, good morning or good afternoon rather. Wow. I love, AA. My sobriety birthday is May 29th, 1991. My home group is the Hermosa Beach men's stag on Monday nights, 8:30.

And, my sponsor is Jimmy Moss. He's sitting way in the back in death row. I don't blame him. He definitely does not want what I have. Trying to get rid of it, I guess.

Welcome to the new people. What a great day. It's beautiful outside. It's the sun is out and, my landlord was, over on the property this morning, standing in front of an empty unit. And we were talking and having fun and telling jokes and laughing.

And boy, is that different. That's change, for me, for this alcoholic. Lauren, my mighty princess Lauren is leading the meeting. That's beautiful. One of my friends.

It's a brady. Congratulations to both Paul and Ethan and AA, for those cakes. Beautiful being a part of, those 2 gentlemen's lives. And when I see those guys standing there together, it reminds me of consistency. And that's, one of the things that I just really couldn't get a hold of when I was a newcomer.

And I started drinking, when I was around 13 and a half, 14 years old. I used to, drink a lot at these parties my mother would give. My mother had a party for every month of the year for, like, holidays and whatnot. And then she had 6 kids, so it's like she could get a party in each month for those children, and then she would just start making shit up like flag day. You know, have a flag day party, you know.

And, and I love drinking, and my mother made alcoholic fun, and I love, drinking. And, the first time I got drunk, I don't remember. Who cares? I know it felt good, you know. And, that's probably why I kept doing it.

And and I loved the way something about alcohol, this this feeling that I got when I drank, it made me feel complete. Drugs never did that for me, you know. But alcohol did. You know, alcohol made me feel like a complete person. And, I would drink at those parties and we would dance a lot.

And I became the dancing queen. You when you get me a drunk man, I can do those dance moves like Michael Jackson and James Brown and Prince. And, you know, I become a choreographer around that time. The the the television series fame was out, that movie fame, and everybody was an artist. And we drink and become performers and artists.

See a lot of striving artists in AA today. It reminds me of what I used to drink. Everybody gonna be on stage. Everybody's got a stage name and a a handle. And, my name is Deandre, and I'm an alcoholic, man.

And and I and I love the the the adrenaline that I get from drinking. A lot of people, drink and they sort of, you know, get relaxed and calm down. Drinking gives me a certain boost. You know, I don't need no damn energy drink. You know, when I'm drinking and I'm getting loaded, man, for some reason, I get this urge to to drink more.

And and and and and and and part of the insanity of of that life is that it just seems so right, you know. What what could be wrong, you know. Why is it not okay to drink all damn day? What is the problem? You can tell that the first people who probably started having a problem with drinking is people who don't drink the way we do.

You know? And, and and I because I loved it, man. And I remember just challenging people in my little, community that drank and and partied and whatnot. We would sort of challenge each other to see who could drink the longest or the most. I mean, that would be, like, our, main goal for the evening.

You know, a lot of people would be trying to get something done with their life. I remember being up all night with some friends and one of my friends said, man, I gotta go to work. And another guy says, man, I gotta go this is my girlfriend. I gotta go get the kids. Go take them to school.

And I wake up and I said, man, I gotta get a drink. And that sort of separates me from these people that that process alcohol differently, you know. And it went on like that for a long time for me. I, I I I remember just living in Watts and I live I come from the Jordan Downs housing projects. I lived in that community for 14 and a half years, you know, and it's just kinda like one problem right next to another, you know.

And that's how I organize my life without this program. I stack my problems right next to each other, so they're so just, you know, just right there to where they're easy enough not to solve, you know, and just live in the problem and and, and do that kind of stuff. And and so what happened is I started going to school in the San Fernando Valley. They started busting us out of there. That diction when I speak.

But I really am from Watts. You know, I really am from there. Because a lot of people look at me, go, you sure you're from Watts? Yeah. I'm from Watts.

And they bused us out of there. I rode the school bus for 6 years, you know. And, and they they took us out of that community and sent us over the hill. And I just remember hanging out with people that really could get drunk fast. Something about young white people, they can get a hold of that alcohol and those drugs.

I mean, they just instantly. Hanging out with those young white people and getting loaded. And and then I'd go home and my mother would be like, what in the hell is wrong with you? You know? Because I because I and then they had the school the late bus program.

Kinda like an early like a junior alcoholic booster club or something. So you you can go on the bus you can go on the bus during regular hours, but then you can catch the late bus. You know? And and you know how we are when it comes to being late, you know. We make late look great, don't we?

We just sort of and, and and I remember, you know, getting on that late bus after being loaded on that campus and just coming home and looking at my family and looking at Watts and looking at those projects and looking around going, these people don't really know what it's all about. These people don't have a clue. You know, and that's what started my personal escape or withdrawal from regular old life, no matter where I'm I'm at trying to live, is that these people don't get it, man. You know, my mother struggled financially, emotionally and and spiritually for a long time. And I would think to myself, damn, if she would just drink a little more and keep a little bit more weed around here, she wouldn't have so many damn problems, you know.

And, that's the way I looked at stuff. For real. You know, I'm not trying to be funny. But my life before this program was a goddamn joke. And, and I remember just trying to fit into a situation, not inside of me, but inside out there, where I could be able to get loaded, mind my own damn business, and figure out how to stay that way for the rest of my life.

And that's what I cared about. And, I remember just having these talks with my friends, and we would envision owning, like, a home where we could have, like, like a machine that could just pump in that that outside issue and and we could just sort of just inhale that and drink wine all day and just live it up. You know? And and we really believe that stuff. And so what happened is I started getting to a point where I needed to do more faster, and I didn't have time to do anything in between that, which is why it was a good idea for me to drop out of high school.

Because if you do go to school and you have this disease and it's not being treated, school just gets in the way. I mean, there's a lot of things that you could do to be resourceful, to keep killing yourself on the installment plan. And having a decent education and being employable is just not the thing that I need to be doing, You know? And so I went ahead and scrapped those ideas, and and my mother didn't like that. She threw me out of the house when I was 17 years old and told me that, you know, I'm not gonna let you hurt me and this family anymore.

And she threw me out of there, and I was a minor. And it's like I would tell her, I said, this is illegal. And she would tell me, it don't matter. You're a criminal anyway. Yeah.

And, and I got out of there, and I wouldn't live with my real friends. Because my mother don't like me. You know? And I came here so angry at my mother. My mom, you know, she tried the best she could with what she had to work with, see.

And I didn't know that, you know. And, and I remember going and living over there with my friends and, and a funny thing happened. They got tired of me too. They sort of sounded like my mother. They did.

They started saying some of the same things. You're gonna stay here all day. You're just gonna lay here all day. Right? And I remember just being rejected by those people.

The nerve of them, you know, to not allow me to live worse than they were living in their presence. And so what happened is I got thrown out of there, and I decided after being attacked by 2 of my friends, n Watts, for stealing money and lying and being full of crap, and they chased me down the street one day and attacked me and beat me up. And I ran to this little building called the Westminster Foundation, which is like a public type arts program, community outreach program in Watts. And I had been going there as a child doing theater work and, you know, kinda like the little rascals on crack. You kinda get and, and we drank and got loaded.

And I remember being chased down there there by my friends and they beat me up. And I fell down on the ground and the director of the program came out, you know. And she said, what happened to you? You know. And I couldn't answer her, you know.

And they scraped me up and took me to Big General Hospital. Excuse me. Martin Luther King General Hospital. I get those county facilities mixed up. A lot of similarities.

And, they took me down there and they patched me up and they, gave me Demerol. And I just, you know, drugs, you know. And so I went and got I went and got a drink, you know. And I remember drinking. And and I went over to my brother's house.

He had been letting me live there and he had thrown me out. And so I went and I was sleeping in his garage stall above his parking space in the apartment complex. And I remember going back over there, and I was I was I was so disconnected from the way I wanted this to work out. That had even started bothering me psychologically, you know. Dreams and the ideas of how I really wanted it to be, whenever I would have those thoughts, that would just make me wanna drink more.

You know, because I knew that I was living unlike the thoughts that I had about living before I had to start living like that. That's what makes it different if you're new. And so what happens is I start seeing him leave in the morning, you know. You peek out the little thing, you open the little door, you can see him driving off. And my brother is a federal corrections guard and or marshal for the federal government.

He works at the federal prison downtown LA. He's been over there for over 18 years. And he left me a note one day because I would break into his apartment to eat. And he left me a very loving sort of, special note one day. And he told me that if I ever broke into his apartment again, that he was gonna kill me.

Those were his exact words. And instead of going, Jesus, this guy must be really angry. I thought to myself, damn, I could probably sue him for this because he worked for the federal government. He's threatening my life. I have it here, proof that that he is trying, you know, that he gonna kill my ass, you know.

And I went ahead and warmed up some food and ate it and got the hell out of there. And I remember, just having him be so upset with me, you know, because I he had really nice clothing too, and I would take his clothes and sell them to get what I needed. And, and he he couldn't keep me out of there because he put me on the lease. He was going to save me. And he had the frothy emotional appeal, you know.

And it didn't work out. And, and I remember going and, before he had gotten so exhausted with me, he had, one day he was watching the Laker game, and, and he left his wallet on the counter. He had a $50 bill and a $20 bill in there. And I went in there, and I saw the wallet on the counter, and I saw him watching the game. And I said, you know and I looked in there and I saw it.

I said, you know, that's that's that's that's, you know, that's a $50 bill and there's a $20 bill right there. I see it. So I said, you know, I'm not gonna rip my brother off. I'm not gonna do that. That's not I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll be an honest honest thief and I'll just take the 20. Okay? Leave the 50 there because he needs it. You know, he's got bills to pay. And, then I went back.

Took the 20 left and came back. And so, you know, I mean, he does have a pretty good job and rationalize that and took the 20. And then I came back and I was standing out in front of the apartment, of where he lived. And I was standing across the street from the apartment and I just started bawling. Because I knew at that point that I had become a bum.

You guys call it alcoholic all you want. I call it being a fucking bum. And I remember standing there and I started crying. And I didn't know what to do. And so I took my form of alcohol for me.

And I retched way back as far as I could because I had had enough of my shit. And I took it, and I retched way, way back, you know, and I just threw it. It's because I it it was over for me. However, I did kinda watch where it landed because I I knew that reality may set in. Somebody may talk some shit to me.

Somebody may tell me something I don't wanna hear. They ask me to do something I don't wanna do, then I might have to go back to my resources. So that didn't work. Eventually, what happened is I got chased into a place called Warm Springs Rehabilitation Center, which is described as an asylum in this book. And in that place, what they did is they brainwashed me.

They changed the way I thought about drinking and stuff. And I don't really think they, you know, put me in a chair and drilled a hole in my head. But what they did is they just left a open menu of all the stuff that it takes to get guys and gals like us to really seriously look at Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, and they sort of just sort of cattled us in there psychologically. You know, get in there.

You know, get on in there. Yeah. You know what I mean? That was all I got. Go into the meetings and and you go into the meetings and you you you you you hear these people talking.

The first meeting I ever went to was a candlelight meeting. It was dark. And you hear these people in there, and you don't really see anybody in the candlelight meeting at Warm Springs. It's dark up there. It was a Wednesday night and I remember seeing these little faces like come out of the dark, you know, because I was I was still detoxing stuff.

It was like these little faces come out of the dark. Hi. I'm a bum too. And then go back in. And then somebody else would say something.

And they, you know, and they were talking about not drinking. And why they couldn't drink anymore. And how many programs they had been into. You know, a lot of people in my 1st year, all I kept hearing was I've done this and this and this, and now I'm back again. I came and I did this and I did that.

And now I'm back again. And as a person who was in his first meeting for the first time as an alcoholic, one of the symptoms of my disease is that I see people doing alcoholism with impunity. I automatically hone in on that regardless of what my sobriety date is. And I could hear in the message that they were telling what I wanted to hear, which is you could leave here and get back. You know?

And, and I, and I, and I, and I didn't understand that. It took me about, you know, it took me about 2 and a half months to program. They were leaving these people. And I would be like, why in the hell would you leave this place? All these free cigarettes and chips.

Everybody gives you a cigarette here. I have not smoked a cigarette off the ground since I've been in a a. And then they had food. There was food there. Food that was not out of the trash can.

Food that they would prepare in the kitchen. And people were talking about leaving here forever. You know, what what I'm trying to say is my entry into AA was like going to Disneyland. I loved it. I loved it.

This stuff is like kissing the baby's ass compared to where I really come from. But I hear people now just being stuck at the beginning, complaining about the process and looking for a complaint box as soon as possible. And I don't understand that. That's not my experience with you people. At any rate, I just got involved at that place, whatever I could do.

They voted me in as the Ah committee steering committee chairman, and I didn't take the steps. So you you don't take the steps in there. You take the packets. Yeah. Take your step pack, go and fill it out, and you turn it in, and then you get a star.

And I like that. You don't get to move closer to God, but you do get to feel like you're running something, you know. And, I love that. I was like, yeah. You know.

And then they made a mistake and gave me a position. They let me become the assistant director of the LIP the LIP program, literacy improvement program, where I taught these classes. So here I am with no high school diploma. I'm in rehab, and I'm teaching classes. I taught 4 classes.

I taught a speech class. I taught a current event class. I taught a music appreciation class. And then I ran the LIP testing part that the residents had to take when they came into the facility while I was there. I did all of that shit.

Somebody had to do it. Why not the high school drop out? And, did that. And I remember, it's a 90 day program, but I stayed there for 11 months because they needed me. You know?

Like breaking into the asylum, you know? And, eventually my counselor, Chuck Von Nordhain, he had a meeting with me and he said, Deandre, I knew something was wrong. I I I don't know what I I don't know what it what it what had happened. But he called me and said, Deandre, you have got to leave here. Warm Springs, you know.

And and and I said, well, what are you talking about? I'm doing, you know, I'm doing recovery here. I see all the other people, the other long term residents. Everybody says, Deandre, you've been here for almost a year. And automatically, I said, well, you know what?

There's gotta be a racial problem here. I'm black and see, I'm a black person, and y'all trying to bring a brother down. And he said, yeah. We're trying to bring you down from this damn hill. You gotta get out of here, you know.

Warm Springs is up in the mountains. And, so I left there. I left there and I moved to Lancaster, California. You know, Lancaster. And I went to a place called the Open Door Fellowship Hall of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And those people saved my life. And I met a man named Dennis Lee. And he was evil and and big and white and wrong. And he had a wife that looked like a parrot. The first time I saw her, I looked at her and I said, this lady looks like a parent.

And then they took me over they took me over to their house to feed me breakfast, and I walked past the kitchen and I looked in the living room and there was a whole cage full of, like, 3 or 4 parrots. So I'm like and I was like, okay. So we got we got we got the we got the white guys in Florida and the parrot lady living together, and he gonna help me. How is this man going to help me if he is married to a woman who looks like a bird? Because I know people around here have a checklist for assistance.

And then if you meet that list, then they'll go ahead and ask you for the right amount of help they need. The rehabs are teaching us well when they don't let AA be the last house on the block. This is the first house on the block for a lot of people. And, I don't understand why I got stuck with this guy. I saw my friends leaving the meeting with their sponsors, riding off, you know, looking out, you know, they'd be laughing and shit.

And I'm here with this guy, the man that's married to the parrot lady. And he is telling me about real life. And he's convincing me that I need to take these steps because real life is coming. And I don't wanna deal with real life because I peep I see people in AA avoiding that with impunity. It doesn't seem like it hurts them when they don't do their work or when they sleep with anything that's got a hole in it.

I don't it doesn't seem like anything is affecting these people who are not following the kind of direction that this man is trying to give me. And that's frustrating. And, and I had a problem with him telling me that there was something spiritual about having a job. I did not see that in the big book. Nowhere in this book does it say it's something spiritual about having a job.

I looked diligently for it. It ain't in there. But what happened was, I just believe that he knew what he was talking about because, my feelings and the way I looked at stuff had gotten me to AA. So if this guy knew how to stay sober at 5 years at the time, if he knew how to stay sober for 5 years, you know, and my counselor had to beg me to leave the rehab to deal with life, then maybe I ought to take some direction from this guy. And, I didn't do it because I felt like I was being noble or anything.

I did it because it didn't feel like I had any other alternative. And, basically, what happened is he made me read with him. He would make me define words out of the book and he would show me the steps that he took. You know? And then he asked me to do this stuff.

And these little, they call them exercises over in West LA. But these little things that he asked me to do seemed to kind of pull life together for me. And it allowed me to be functional and alcoholics and nuns. In other words, it wasn't like a Jack in the Box experience. I didn't just drive up to him.

He load up my car and my head with all this bullshit. And then I just drive off and go live my life. That's not the way he presented it to me. He gave me an opportunity to do both, you know, if I if I cared to have it. And of course, I did because I was hopeless.

You know, it wasn't because I was trying to be the best of the best, sir. Through and through working the steps with him, he taught me how to get involved with that group. And he also put me in his sober living home, and I lived there for two and a half years. He made me the manager of his sober living home. And one day the washing machine broke at the sober living home.

And I came home from school and work. Water was all over the floor of the sober living home. And I had warned him. I told him that that washing machine you talked about a guy that used to live on Skid Row. Okay.

Now I'm in the house complaining about the washing machine. I forget where I come from from a lot. It's part of my mental illness. I know everybody in here has a dynamic memory and don't understand that. But I come home and there's water all over the floor.

And I called him on the telephone and I said, there's water all over the place here. We are trying to to live in this environment. And as a slumlord, you are ruining that for us by not taking care of this situation. And he said, I can't do anything about it right now. Let me get somebody over there.

And I said, No, I'm coming over there. And I hopped in my 70 1 El Camino that he took me to go buy when I got the money to go get it. And I drove over to his house, you know. And the parent lady was not there, but he was. And I let him have it.

And I told him enough is enough. Now you've been sponsoring me for well over a year. I'm bathing regularly. I have this automobile here. I'm doing better now.

So let me tell you how you're gonna help me even more. Damn it. I don't know if anybody in here can relate to that kind of behavior. And, but he yelled at me and told me to get the hell out of his house. And I told him not not only am I gonna get out of your house, but I need to find another sponsor.

And I called Steve Brinkin, who is the Jimmy Moss of the open door at the time. And I drove over and I met, the great Steve Lincoln. And he told me that you said in those steps that you were willing to go through any length for victory over alcohol, and that may include your sponsor's personality. And I looked at this woman and said, so all the white people have been together now in a a. And I went home.

I went to my sponsor's property, and I began to clean the water out because the newcomers were there doing it anyway already. The new people that we had moved into the house, they were over there doing the work. And I was running around protesting. Because that's how I roll. And, and and and then all of a sudden, I turned into the supervisor.

Well, we are gonna clean this shit up. You 2 move that over there and do that, you know, after I done went and cussed the landowner out. I'm a real alcoholic, you know. Anyway, I made amends to him and I sucked up to him because I realized I didn't have enough money to move out. And all of a sudden, I came to my senses.

See, it's gotta come from me. Everybody down the floor. I mean, if we're gonna do this hostage situation right, it's gotta come from me. I'm not gonna learn anything from you because I know what's best for me. And when I started living like that and operating like that, even without a drink in my hand, I could become a very thirsty man.

When you're not allowed to show me exactly what I need to see based on who God needs you to be, I'm asking for alcohol. I need a drink. See? And what happened was, that relationship grew even stronger, you know, because he realized that I was out of my mind. 12 and 12 on the last page of step 1 talks about the kinds of guys and gals that really can't dream of doing this stuff.

Talks about the man or woman that's still drinking. They can't dream of doing this stuff. Taking inventory or making those amends, paying back that money, saying these prayers, trying to live as though my I think my God would have me. When I'm not willing to do that stuff, I am in the mind of a man that's still drinking. Watch me.

See? That the psychic change is flipping back. You know, my big book tells me something about improvement. I used to think that the 11 steps said maintain. And they have an example in the book of a guy that wasn't improving in his spiritual life.

He was agreeing with AA, but he wasn't improving in a spiritual walk toward his creator. And he got drunk again behind that, you know. And, Ethan was talking earlier about some of our friends who've gone back out. We bring this up not as some sort of a scare tactic. We're allowed to learn from other people's experiences today.

Psychopathic people don't do that. And our friend was doing good on the outside. There wasn't a cloud on the horizon. We had no idea he was going to leave because knowing us, we would have probably tried to help him. Some people call it control.

Man, I wish the hell I did have that, you know, control. Because he'd be here in this meeting. He'd be giving Ethan that cake. I don't think it's control at all. I think we become attracted to certain things in AA, man, as long as we stay around here.

You know, water seeks its own level. And if you don't want what we have, that's fine. We don't want what the hell you got either. We're trying to get rid of it. That's what he used to tell us.

You know, and what happens is, it's like I move out of these situations and then I move into another situation. And it's sort of like peeling the layer of an onion where I think that, oh, I'm done with pride and ego. I don't have any fear. I'm here for the newcomer. I'm not afraid of anything.

And, then God put somebody in my life and proves to me that not only am I afraid of something, but I didn't I've been lying about it the whole time. See, my power works through people most of the time because I'm a people. If I was a dog, you'd probably be working through dogs. I am a people and my higher power puts people in my life so I can realize that it's not about me, that it's about us. Selfishness and self centeredness is the root of all my troubles.

That's a very heavy statement to use on people like us. You know how sensitive they are. We're sensitive people. How dare you tell me that no matter what I'm dealing with, in the middle of it is me like that little man on The Wizard of Oz talking about paying no attention to this, you know, the man behind the curtain. I am the wizard, you know.

Woo hoo. All this bullshit. Right? And I'm the one trying to get that drink. You gotta line the alcohol up.

You gotta line it up. And, what happened is, he just he just loved me until I could love AA. He never waited around for me to learn how to love myself. He was too busy helping too many new people. He just loved me until I could love AA.

And then and when I started loving AA, I fell in love with him. Not because he's a part of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you're a newcomer, I don't expect you to love us. The sign on this podium says, we care. It doesn't say you care.

We know you don't care. You probably rather have a drink right about now. Especially after this pitch. That's why I got all this water up here. It's a little frustrating sometimes.

Sober. Being sober. Yay. Sobriety. That's what it felt like when I was new.

When when I go to the meetings and I hear them, they get sobriety. Alright. You know what I mean? Like, what what is so funny about not being able to even smoke a joint? I mean, I know the alcohol, it makes you smell bad.

Vodka, you know, but can't have a little homegrown every now and then? That mean total abstinence. A day at a time. These people are crazy. I was sharing the other night, it would be needed if you could like because my friend Max Bernstein, says that if you look at the steps as an equation, it seems like the answer would be, okay.

Go ahead and drink now. I mean, you've done all this work. You've rearranged your life. You're closer to God than you ever I mean, Jesus drank wine. You know, my head automatically tries to set me up for a drink even after the psychic change.

It's my job to just cop to that and continue to stay connected to you people and stop trying to run game. I mean, it's like, this gal shares at Birch Street, you bring the weakest game to the strongest player. Alcoholics anonymous, man. There's so much love and and and and and and there's legions of people here who have the experience. We know what you're up to when you don't think you're doing what you do.

These that that man read 2 sentences into my pool. My I couldn't even talk over a paragraph. And he just cut it in. He cut in, you know, And I and I and I I I I don't like it while it's happening. But after time passed, I go, you know, what would I I would have died.

Alcoholism would have killed me. If those people didn't do exactly what they did when they did it, I would be a dead man. You know, and a lot of times, I think people in AA get death confused. For me, death is a a a state of mind and body. You could be sitting next to a dead person right now in this meeting.

The way a a looks at it. Spiritually bankrupt, dead. Talking about, you know, in, step 5 in the 12 and 12. You know, I accused my very best AA friends of the very defects that I'm living in when I'm dry, trying to find a drink up in here. You know?

Looking for a drink in Alcoholics Anonymous Man comes in many forms for me. But I try to play like it's something else, you know, and so what helps me is just not trying to be God. And boy, that's really hard. I mean, God spends absolutely no time trying to be me. But I've been trying to build his shoes all the time, you know.

And, it's a scary place to be, you know. Here lately, I've been trying to deal with my health in a more responsible way. I found out, a week ago that I have the best, vision insurance that you can buy, you know. And I didn't even know. I've had it for over 4 years from my job.

And I've just been walking around, not being able to read very clearly when words are too close to my face, and I don't say anything about it. And I went and talked to this lady who runs a doctor's office for one of my clients, and she ran my name and she said, you know, it's only a cost of $35 to give an examination. They check out, see if you got glaucoma and they and they give you a pair of glasses. And I thought to myself, gee, it's a good thing I decided to come on down here. See, it had to it has to my ego says that it's gotta come from me.

If it's not coming from me, it's a little screwy. And that's alcoholism. That's not rational thinking. Alcoholism. That's not rational thinking.

My 1212 in step 2 tells me how being irrational is directly linked to insanity and dishonesty. I didn't know that. Just this irrational, like, yeah, all of a sudden, all these people today are messing with me. 16 years sober. They finally are gonna pull pull the thing down, you know.

Now we'll make you drink. Yeah. Because I don't wanna change with time sober. I don't wanna change with time sober. I wanna maintain.

I don't wanna improve. And say, how can you sponsor all these people? Because you're not. That's how come. Join us.

You know, it's like, I was thinking on the way over here today that my life is not my life. That it belongs to God. And I screw up trying to do what he would have me regularly. So instead of giving up and drifting into maudlin guilt and blaming you people, I just wake up and keep trying. You know, it beats dying on the installment plan.

So if you're a newcomer, we know that you are totally confused by all this stuff. That's why we give you these certain little activities to do regardless of what the hell you think needs to get done. And the guys and gals who don't successfully go through that process usually do not get to stay here. And I don't care what kind of story, feeling, situation or spin they put on it. You're either in or you're out.

The opposite of in is always out. No matter who you are or what you think it's all about. If you're not in, you're out. And I would always try to put things in front of me to deny you know, I've always had a problem with reality. I've always struggled with things that are real.

And I don't think it's because I wake up and try to do that. I think I mentally there's my sponsor says that this is a mental illness and I need treatment. I'm sure a little bit about my mom and I'm gonna shut up. I know everybody's dying to get out of here and work this program. Alcoholics are very busy improving their lives, making things better for themselves.

Kinda like the way we used to push those baskets around on skid row. Going around collecting stuff. People in AA are good at that. My mother is, she's 18% for kidney. She only has 18, so they had to put her on dialysis.

So she goes to dialysis 3 times a week. She hates it on most days. She can't stand it. And in the beginning, before she would go, she said she wasn't gonna go. And I called her and I sponsored her ass.

Because everybody else was like, yes, I'm up. You know? And I and I didn't go for it. You men and women taught me about reality. I just told her straight up, if you want to see your grandkids a little longer, you might want to go on down there and do it.

Or, as my sponsor says, maybe you like it like that. And she got pissed off. She gossiped about it in the family. She told everybody I pissed her off. But that Monday, she went down and got it all set up.

Hate me now. Stay alive longer. Later. Hate me now stay alive longer later. You know?

And so now she goes on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. And, I don't know if anybody is familiar with the process, but it's really tedious. And it takes a couple of hours each time that you have to go do it. And she's really exhausted and all that. But she thanks me for, telling her the truth.

Later. So if you're working with new people and they're not thanking you today, so what? They call newcomers pigeons back east because they shit on you. And, if if you're not being thanked by the newcomer, it doesn't mean that you don't help the newcomer. You know?

Newcomers don't know how to thank nobody. Newcomers are probably sitting around like me thinking that they came up with all this shit. But this was their idea to come here. What people what is that thing they used to say, my best thinking got me here. Nowhere in that book does it say your best thinking is gonna get you here.

What got me here was the grace of God. What keeps me here is the willingness of the people that aren't afraid to tell me the truth. People who are willing to take a risk on losing me as a friend, so I don't go back out there again. Because learning how to say goodbye around here is really difficult. But a lot of times, I have to do that because my disease hones in on what you're doing with impunity.

And the next thing you know, we're sharing alcohol together. You know, we go we go out together. I've seen guys and gals go out together. You know, as an individual here, I need to know that I need you people. I have to be connected to this stuff.

And my mother is just one of those people that I laugh and talk to. My grandmother died this year. My Sponsey family walked me through that. And we went over to my grandmother's house, and they waited outside in in the truck. And it was crowded in the truck.

It was like 6 guys and we wait and they waited for me to go in there. My grandma, we don't I don't have friends like this in the community when I'm out there getting drunk and stuff. When I went to the hospital and Marcella took me to the emergency room, I was bleeding to death. You know, my my real family got there after you guys took care of everything. And I forget that.