Messenger Meeting of Cocaine Anonymous in Dana Point, CA – February 21st 2008

Cocaine Anonymous, I want to welcome you.

I hope and I pray you hear something to get you to the pill of tonight sober.

Here's what I heard when I got sober.

It changed my life.

You cannot picture life with her without alcohol.

Someday he'll be unable to imagine.

Let's pray.

God said.

He cannot picture life with or without alcohol.

Someday he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it.

He will then know loneliness like a few know.

He'll be at the jumping off place.

He'll wish for the end.

I don't know if that makes any sense to you, but that's how my life ended.

I was 29 years old, and I wanted it done.

I just wanted it done.

I didn't want to see another sunrise.

I got tired of hearing the damn birds in the morning.

You know, I had lived a life of...

Really good times for a long time and then really bad times for a long time and and I couldn't separate the two is what really happened.

I mean, we can sit here for 45 minutes and tell you all about all the stories and we'll tell you some of those just to make sure that they're not throwing a ringer up here.

You know, the fact of the matter is I'm a cocaine addict.

I love everything about cocaine.

I like thinking about cocaine.

I like the shit I got to go take just before I go get some cocaine.

I like going to get to cocaine.

You know what I mean?

I like doing it.

I'm the kind of drug addict that I don't care if I had a gram

or if I had a kilo that we were just getting ready to break up.

The minute I did one, the minute I did a little bit,

my first thought was, what am I going to do when I run out?

Not how long is it going to last me?

What am I going to do tomorrow?

What am I going to do when I run out?

Because it didn't matter how much I had.

We were running out.

You know what I mean? I don't know if you did this. I did this a lot. You know, I had the intention of, you know, some of our readings talk about it, man. I would go grab me an ounce of cocaine and I'd bust it up into pieces and I'd hide it all over the house. That's for Tuesday. That's for Thursday. And there's Friday. And by 3.30 a.m., I'm forgetting where I put it. And I'm searching the whole house because I couldn't have done it all. There had to be some left.

Right.

You know what I mean?

And what did I do with it?

And if anybody else was there, then the accusations start.

You know what I mean?

You've been doing my stuff.

You know, I couldn't go to the bathroom without gathering everything up,

taking it with me.

You know what I mean?

I don't know what it is about cocaine addicts and drug addicts and bathrooms,

but that's just kind of where we end up.

That in closets.

I don't know.

You know, you can have this big, beautiful house, and you're on the porcelain.

You know what I mean?

That's not what I thought my life was going to be like.

You know what I mean?

And I wasn't always a cocaine addict.

I started drinking when I was 14 years old, and that probably wouldn't be relevant

unless I needed a drink by the time I was 14 years old.

You know what I mean?

And my first introductions to alcohol was slow gin and 7 up,

and a bottle of southern comfort and a roll joint underneath the football field of a high school.

And the thing that I remember most about all of those times,

the early beginnings was simply this.

It's going to be okay.

I can do this stuff now.

You know what I mean?

I can go across the dance floor and ask her to dance.

You know what I mean?

I can hang amongst you and just feel like I'm okay.

You know what I mean?

And that's how it began,

and that's the love affair I had with alcohol and drugs for the next 15 years.

That's as simple as it was.

I did everything I could to stay loaded.

The problem was when I wasn't loaded, I wasn't comfortable.

I just wasn't comfortable.

I mean, I'd look at me in the mirror and I'd go, what's wrong with me?

And I'd double that with what I found in my inventory to be more of my character defects.

I'd look at me in the mirror and go, what's wrong with me?

And then I'd get amongst you and I'd tell you everything that was wrong with you.

See?

And I would use this weapon to build you down so I could build myself up.

You know what I mean? And in recovery, we call that gossip and slander.

And those are my two biggest weapons that I grew up with was gossip and slander.

You know what I mean? Because if I talked enough trash about somebody, right, I'm going to raise some prejudice in you.

You know, because you don't know him. You just know what I'm telling you about him.

And isn't amazing, you know, 19 years later, in recovery, we still do that.

We still talk about people.

We call it blacktop sobriety outside.

You know, we're out there.

There's two kinds of cliques and Cocaine's Anonymous.

If you're new, I want to tell you there is.

A friend of mine says there's two kind of clicks in Cocaine Anonymous.

There's those that are working the steps and those that are talking about, those that are working the steps.

That's it.

You know what I mean?

Because what's happening is the ones that are working the steps are trying to improve upon the quality of their lives.

The ones that aren't working the steps are talking shit about the ones who are.

You know what I mean?

And that's just how it is.

And I've fallen into both of those cliques in my sobriety.

You know what I mean?

Because I just needed to feel okay.

I did stuff in my life that I'm not proud of.

I did a lot of things in my life that I truly regret.

And in this book of Alcoholics Anonymous is what Cocaine Anonymous uses in its recovery program.

They talk about guilt, shame, and remorse.

And it doesn't take me much to look back into my life and think about the guilt.

or the shame or the remorse.

It just doesn't.

I mean, I grew up with the conscience.

You know what I mean?

And the only thing that quieted the conscience is

was cocaine and drugs.

That's the only thing that quieted it.

And it got me to that infamous place

that I know that in talking with

the countless men that I've ever talked to

and the countless women that I've ever talked to in recovery.

It got me to that simple place.

You know what that place is?

I don't care.

I ain't hurt nobody.

I ain't heard nobody.

You know what I mean?

And if you did what I did and they treated you like

they treated me, you'd do the same stuff.

You know what I mean? I grew up amongst burglar's and robbers and thieves and liars and cons.

Those are my tools for living. That's what I know how to do. And I'm going to come to Cocaine Anonymous and try to be a con.

Oh, please. Who am I kidding? All righty. Who am I kidding? That's all we are. See, I'm a liar or cheating and a thief.

I will tell you precisely what I need to tell you to get you to do precisely what I want you to do in the manner of which I want you to do it in the time frame of which I desire it.

And as long as you conform, we're going to get along just fine.

But the moment you don't give me precisely what I want and the manner of which I want, and I'm gone.

I'm gone.

And there's only two ways I'm leaving.

I'm leaving by telling you how bad you are, how wrong you are, and how you push me to the edge and how you made me do that shit.

Right?

Or I'm ripping you off and I'm splitting.

I'm going to rip off your trust.

I'm going to rip off your emotions.

I'm going to rip off everything that you hold near and dear to you, and I'm just going to leave.

And if I'm real good at what I do, I'm going to make it your fault.

Because I don't have the power to look at me.

See, because what my alcoholism will tell me is Jim's not a bad guy.

Jim's a nice guy.

Jim gives a lot of things to a lot of people.

Jim helps a lot of people.

Jim tries to do all this other stuff, but there's that still small voice in back of me,

what I call the demon of alcoholism that says, you know what, you don't treat me right.

I deserve more.

I deserve to be treated better.

You don't call me enough.

You don't talk to me enough.

You don't hug me enough.

You don't love me enough.

See? And you know what all that is? For the longest time, all that is was the garbage that I brought to Cocaine Anonymous. That's the stuff that I buried deep down inside of me that the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells me I must get to.

So he said, I have to get down to the root of the problem.

Not the surface level stuff. We know what the surface level stuff. We know the warrants and the unpaid bills and the no driver's license and the rearview mirror driving and watching out for the cops and keeping track of the lies I told. How do I cover the balance check for the check I stole for the check I wanted to steal? You know what I mean? How do I? You know, it's just it's a constant. I need you. Believe me, you live that kind of life like I led my life. You need to stay loaded.

You know what I mean? Because I can't keep track. It just got, it got way, way too much.

It got way too much. And anything that got in my way, it was expendable.

Anything that got in the way of me getting loaded was expendable.

And let me tell you what that was.

That was a newborn baby girl. At two and a half years old, I signed adoption papers and I gave her away.

Because I knew she'd be better off. Because her dad was a loser.

She'd be better off with someone else.

I signed the adoption papers off.

And my ex-wife left with my best friend, and they got married, and they adopted my daughter.

And, you know, and I didn't tell you this, but I was given away when I was a kid,

and I had an identity crisis from the time I was 17 because I didn't know who I was.

You know how I found out who I was?

I was not raised at Jim Holder, by the way.

I was Jerry says, Jim McAby.

I was talking to one of my sponsorsies about this last night.

For 24 years of my life, I was Jim McAby, and I got arrested when I was 14,

and I don't know if there's any criminals in the room who ever seen a petition,

but I got a petition, and on a petition, it said,

James Lee McAby, also known as James Lee Holder, and I went, who's that?

Yeah.

I never used that name, you know what I mean?

And I was taken out of a home and put it into another home.

Well, in 1959, when I was raised, they just used Whiteout, and they just typed in a new name.

And that's how I was adopted.

You know what I mean?

But I grew up that whole way wondering who in the hell I was and where I come from.

And I have to find out in a court of law.

Guess what that did to me in my family beliefs.

You know what I mean?

I didn't want nothing to do with any of that stuff.

And you fast forward, I'm 21 years old, and what do I do?

I told myself that I would never do that to another human being because I know the pain and suffering I went through for all the years that I went through it.

And I was challenged with getting sober, paying child support, and I gave this kid away, and I stayed loaded.

And I always thought, you know, my whole life, I thought that if I could be a stand-up guy, if I could tell you, you know, honey, I'll be there next week.

I'd be the next week.

If I told you I'd meet you for 12 o'clock for a cup of coffee, I'd meet you for 12 o'clock for a cup of coffee.

And, you know, I've got to be honest, when I would, those words would leave my mouth,

they would be the truth.

I really wanted to.

And something else came up.

It just came up.

You know what I mean?

And I didn't like you that much anyways.

You know what I mean?

And I would justify and rationalize all my behaviors, every one of them, you know, and, um,

I got married again because I always thought that I could, you know, my ideal life growing up was fathers knows best.

You know what I mean?

And I wanted to be a father.

I wanted to have a family.

I wanted to do all the things that I felt that I was missing in my life.

That's what I thought that I always wanted my entire life.

And so I kept trying to do that.

You know what I mean?

I met a girl.

We talked for 20 minutes.

We were in love.

We got married.

You know what I mean?

And, um...

We ran off to Reno, Nevada with a couple ounces of cocaine and a whole bunch of money, and we were going to set up shop, and I was going to build this bright future.

And two years later, we're divorced.

You know, we're back down in Los Angeles.

We got another baby in tow, you know what I mean, because that's what I do.

And we got another baby in tow, and this time it's going to be different.

This time it's just going to be different.

And...

It wasn't any different.

I mean, it just kept getting, they talk about alcoholism and drug addiction as being progressive.

I don't know if that's your story.

That's my story.

It just kept getting worse and worse and worse and worse.

And all the yets that I said I would never do, I started doing it.

And all the things that weren't happening to me started happening to me.

I was the kind of guy that I'd be at the bar and I'd look down to the drunk at the end of the bar that was there at 6 o'clock.

And I said, if I ever get as bad as him, I'll quit drinking.

Well, I never knew that as my, as his alcoholism progressed, mine progressed.

Right.

See, I'd never catch up to him because he's already progressed past that point.

But he was my measuring stick.

See, I could never see my own measuring stick.

I had no idea what was going on.

I was measuring what was going on in my life by the people that I was hanging around.

You know what I mean?

And when you're putting 25 grams a week of cocaine up your nose,

you're drinking three bottles of alcohol,

and you're taking pills as quick as you can swallow them,

you don't see real clearly.

Right.

You know, I wasn't seeing things as it was.

You know what I mean?

If my life got as bad as the doorman at the crack house, then I'll change.

If I end up pushing a shopping cart down the middle of the street dead broke, I'll change.

You know what I mean?

And that stuff didn't happen for me, you know?

I mean, the worst thing to happen to me is I was getting evicted from my one bit of apartment before I got sober.

That's it.

I've been arrested once for possession of cocaine.

I've never had a DUI.

There's a lot of differences if you want differences of why I'm different and you're different and I'm different.

Here's the reality.

See if you can understand this.

How many times you ever get loaded, Jim, when you didn't want to get loaded, Jim?

How many times that happened?

How many times did I swear I was going to work?

I was coming home.

I was reading a story.

We're going to go to bed.

Get up tomorrow morning.

Go to work.

Come home.

Have nice dinner with the family.

Read a story to the kids and I'm going to bed.

And I get out of bed in the morning and I got to do a line to get to work.

And then by lunchtime, I got to have a couple drinks.

And then after work, I'm going to go with Joey to happy hour.

And then it's the last call.

What happened to dinner with the kids?

I mean?

I had a lot of really good intentions and I didn't have the ability to carry him out.

A lot of really good intentions and no ability to carry him out.

I always thought I was a smart guy.

I always thought I was an intelligent, well-communicative human being.

What I found out is all I knew how to do was baffir you with bullshit.

Because that's what I was.

I was full of shit.

I mean, there wasn't an honest word coming out of my mouth.

And what happened for me is I got to the end where I was, I was, I told you I was putting a bunch of cocaine up my nose.

I was drinking a lot.

I was, I was, uh, my life was a living hell.

I was six foot two.

I was 142 pounds and I was dying of alcoholism.

And I didn't know it.

I didn't know it.

You know?

And then, then I'm leaving the club in June of 1988.

I'm leaving a nightclub.

Um,

And because I was an outside drinker, I was an inside smoker.

You know what I mean?

I don't know if that makes sense to you, but I would go to the club.

You know what I mean?

And I drink at the club.

And then as soon as I started drinking, I got to get some Coke.

And as soon as I get some Coke, I got to get back to the house.

You know?

And it generally ends up with me duct tape, towels, porn, and weird shit.

You know what I mean?

And all alone.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

That's generally how it ended up.

And it comes with that when you come down is guilt, shame, and remorse.

You know, you're all laughing at that, but I know some of you woke up with some people going,

who are you, and where you from?

I know that one.

And are you male or female?

I don't know the answer to that question.

Okay?

I used to say I never been to bed with an ugly woman, but I woke up with a couple.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

I think they were women.

You know?

I don't know.

See, there's a place inside of me that I go, this darkness, this sickness, that today I can laugh about and joke about.

But you know what?

I wouldn't go to some of those soared places that I was hanging out on my worst day.

And I certainly wouldn't wish that on you.

And my alcoholism says, Jim, you're having a good time.

Party!

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

What I've learned if I've learned anything in Alcoholics Anonymous and Cocaine Anonymous is my alcoholism and my drug addiction wants just one thing, my last breath.

That's all I really wants.

It wants my last breath.

And that truly to myself that I found out when I got here is that, oh, I started to tell you, June of 1988, I hit the pipe.

Now, I've been to cocaine anonymous for 19 years, one month, and 19 days today.

And I've got to tell you, I've heard people that smoked the pipe for 15 years.

They didn't smoke like I smoked.

Uh-uh.

No.

I couldn't do that.

I hit the pipe in June 88, and I got sober in January, 1989.

Six months, and I've got to tell you, it was worth six months in my life.

And if you knew, as you've probably heard many other speakers say,

once they start talking about hitting the pipe, they're about to get sober.

You know?

I, uh, man, I got sober in January 2nd, 1989.

I opened a hospital program, and I left that hospital 26 days later with a thing called a sponsor.

His name was Corey P and I got to share this story with you.

Corey was my sponsor for a year and a half and he moved to Stockton, California.

And those of you have heard me speak before, know I speak a lot about Corey Paddock because Corey saved my life.

He really did.

He sat down with me.

He read the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous with me.

He took me to meetings.

He showed me how to live life.

He told me to go get a job.

And he asked me what I did for a living.

And I had had some pretty good careers when I was getting before I got sober.

You know, I'm not an educated man, but I got real lucky out there.

And I had one time had a four-star security clearance from the government when the president had a five-star.

And I was working on some aerospace stuff, and he said...

Why don't you go look for a job?

And I said, yeah, okay, I'll do that.

And he said, I'll pick you up.

There's a couple places if you need to ride.

I'll give you a ride.

And he picked me up one day, and I had on a old pair of slacks and an old dress shirt.

And he took me to his house, and he opened up his closet.

And he said, go over there on that side of the closet right over there and pick yourself out two suits and take them down to the tailor and get him tailored.

Here's a suit.

Here's some dress pants.

You need to go get a job.

And, um...

He taught me about powerlessness, as described in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous,

and he wasn't of today's variety where we spend three or four months working on a step.

He wasn't of that variety.

I would call him up and say, what do I do about this first step?

And he said, there's a passage in the big book, and you've got to believe it's true or it's not true.

You've got to admit to your innermost self that you're an alcoholic.

And he said, do you know what that inmost self is?

It's that still small voice.

It's that voice inside of you that says, Jim, when you're getting ready to go down to the crackhouse,

the voice that says this is not a good idea.

And I do it anyways.

There's still small voice.

It goes to the chapter of the agnostic in here, and he pulls out a passage in there,

it says, deep down in every man, woman, and child is a conception of God.

He said his belief was that that small, still voice, the one that said this isn't okay with me?

This is not okay.

That was his power talking to him, trying to save his life.

And he'd push it aside.

He'd just keep pushing it aside.

You know what I mean?

And he asked me if ever inside of me, did I have that still small voice,

tell me this isn't that a good idea, and I ended up doing it anyways,

even though I didn't want to.

And how many times did it occur in my life?

And I could reap that off with repetition,

how many different times that had happened in my life.

And he says, do you think you can stop that still small voice?

And I said, no.

He says, well, then do you think you might have a lack of power in that area of your life?

And I said, yeah, and he says, done.

He says, do you think that as a form of that lack of power, you have developed a form of insanity?

I had an issue with that because insanity was, you know, straight jackets, rubber coats,

and bouncing walls and rubber rooms and no doorknobs.

And, I mean, I had my conception.

See, my conceptions were just screwed.

You know what I mean?

I heard a speaker once said that my conceptions in my life were half a bubble out of plum.

You know what I mean?

Just a little off.

And he said, well, let's just assume for a minute, Jim, that at one time in your life that you had a form of sanity.

Let's assume that that happens shortly after birth.

Okay?

And that as a result of everything you've thought, felt, did, seen, and been through, you've developed a little form of insanity.

Okay.

Maybe you can get back to this form of sanity.

But all you got to do is believe that there's a power greater than you, Jim.

And I don't know about you.

See, I grew up in the era in the streets in the 70s and 80s

where we were scorekeepers and grudge holders and we didn't tell you, you know,

I mean, I don't ask you for help because I'm going to owe you one.

I got to keep track and oh shit, I owe Thurban 40, but I borrowed 20 from Rodney

and I got to go over here and pay J and I got to come back over here.

You know, everything was, you know, you bought me dinner and I owe you two.

You know, and...

Corey said, we don't keep scoring. We don't keep scoring. We don't keep scoring. I said, okay, I can do that.

Well, we went through the rest of steps, and there's a story I started to tell you was, I hadn't seen Corey.

I saw him once about nine years ago, and yesterday I got an email that he turned 20 years sober.

And so we drove up to me and John drove up to L.A. last night, and I got to hug my first sponsor.

And I got to tell you something. You want to talk about a powerful movement evening?

Yeah.

It was an amazing, amazing night for me.

I got off the phone with him, and my wife's here.

She says, what's going on?

I told her this story, and she goes, get in the car.

Wednesday night, we hang out at home together.

You know what I mean?

That's our night together, and Tuesday night I was at a meeting,

and tonight I had to speak, and my wife says, go.

You know what I mean?

You know why?

She says, go?

Because she knows I'll be back.

Or sometimes she's sick of my shit, too, so I don't know,

one or the other.

Because I don't know how many times I told you I'd be right back.

And I came to in like Texas.

True story.

You know what I mean?

But I was just going for milk.

I stopped and had a couple drinks.

End up on an airplane, but that's all that's a little bit start.

And I'll tell you, the reason I brought that up is because Corey brought it up last night when it took his 20-year birthday cake.

Now, I just told you, I'm 19 years one month and 19-day sober.

My sponsor, my first sponsor, just took his 20-year birthday cake last night.

February 20th of 1988 was his sobriety date, January 2nd of 1989 is my sobriety date.

Okay?

He had 11 and a half months and I thought this guy was God.

I've been talking about Corey for 15 years since I've had the pleasure of speaking in alcoholics and cocaine anonymous.

Talking about the impact that this man had on my life and the changes that he gave me.

And you know we found out over the couple years that we've been talking?

I saw him eight years ago and we kind of revisited it last night.

He said that I was one of the worst cases of alcoholism he'd ever seen in his life.

Yeah.

I had hair down in the middle of my back.

I had a baseball cap on backwards.

I was kind of like C.J.

Except he's sitting forward tonight because his sponsor speaking,

but I used to sit back there with my arms crossed and don't mess with me.

You don't know who I am.

And you ain't got nothing I want unless you're cute.

Okay?

And...

Corey fed through all of that stuff, but here's what would happen.

I'd call him up and I'd say, Corey, I've got to start working this first step.

And we'd talk about this innermost self and he'd want me to cite a couple instances

when I told myself I wasn't going to do it.

I ended up doing it anyways, just so I could get in touch with those.

And you know what would happen?

I'd get him.

I'd call him up and I'd say, Corey, I got to start working his second step.

And, you know, we need to get going on this.

I'm reading this book.

I'm doing what you're saying three pages every night no matter what.

And he'd say, let me call you back.

Okay.

He'd hang up the phone. He'd call his sponsor. He says, man, I got this guy on the phone. He wants to work your second step. I better work my second step. What do I got to do? What do I tell him? And he'd say, oh, okay. And he'd call me back. He'd say, hey, Jim, this is what you need to do, man. He's 20 years consecutively sober. I'm 19 years consecutively sober. What does that tell you? It doesn't matter what you know or what you think you know. See, Corey didn't say, Jim, this is what you need to do because he wanted to give me his opinion.

He didn't know, so he asked somebody who had experience.

And he said, hey, how, what do I do?

And how said, do this?

Corey said, okay.

Corey says, Jim, do this.

Guess what?

Corey hangs up the phone.

Corey starts doing it.

You know, his email to me yesterday said, we were to blind, leading the blind.

But we were leading each other with the already written path.

See, that's the difference.

I've watched people die in cocaine and on us because somebody wants to give them their opinion.

Corey didn't have experience in a certain area and he'd call somebody who had experience.

And I've got to tell you, here's some of the things.

If you're new around here, I'd encourage you to do.

And this are the things that changed my life.

And they were the most uncomfortable, weirdest shit that I ever had to do in my life.

My sponsor had me do stuff like this.

Every meeting you go to, Jim, every meeting.

I want you to introduce yourself to three new people.

For the first 90 days of your sobriety, I want you to walk up to these people and say, hi.

My name's Jim.

I'm an alcoholic or a cocaine addict and I'm new to recovery.

Every meeting.

Okay.

And I don't know if I can do that.

And he said, then get another sponsor.

He said, we had the conversation.

I asked you three questions.

Are you willing to go to any length for victory over cocaine and alcohol?

And I said, yes.

Did you lie to me, Jim?

And I went, no.

And he said, then go shake some hands.

That's what he said.

And I got to tell you, it was uncomfortable because, you know, I had had a couple people I met in the hospital I was with.

You know, and I was uncomfortable in this little small little circle and everything was good.

And that was my support group.

Yeah.

And then they'd get loaded, and then I don't have no support.

Guess what happened?

I know thousands of people today in recovery.

Thousands.

Some of them tolerate me and like me, and I tolerate them and like them.

Some of them we just don't get along, but we know each other.

You know what I mean?

That's just life.

That's just what life is.

But the fact of the matter is, what happened for me, new in recovery, less than three months

of recovery, I'd continue to go to these meetings.

And as I was going to these meetings, guess what happened?

I kept seeing these same people at meetings.

They were always there, and their eyes were clear, and they were sober.

And CJ, what are they doing after the meeting?

stacking chairs.

See, the guys that are sober.

You watch the guys that are sober, Jim, that's what he was telling me to do.

He wasn't telling me what to do.

He was showing me what to do.

He'd say, Jim, grab 10 chairs, and he'd be right next to me, grabbing 10 chairs.