The Triangle Group in Waco, TX

Hello, everyone. My name is Robert. I'm a recovered alcoholic. Hi, Robert. Oh, wow.

What an honor, you know what I mean, to speak here. You know? It just wow. It's a pleasure to be anywhere today. You know what I mean?

That's the honest truth, and especially here. You know? Thank you. You know what I'm saying? Thank you to Jason for inviting me.

You know, I mean, I really appreciate it. Let's let's start off. Let's start off with a bang. Most of y'all know me. Some of y'all hear it's and and and I think it's kind of cruel and unusual, you know what I'm saying, to, to to not let you know exactly, I'm one of them.

I'm what you call a big book dumper. You know what I'm saying? And and, so please, if if you're offended by anything I say, I don't give a shit to your sponsor. You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

So that's plain and simple. So with that being said, let's start off. I am a little bit of experience, strength, and hope. Right on. Okay.

I started drinking probably by the age of 9. You know what I mean? It was nothing big, nothing major, nothing hairy. You know what I'm saying? Just a bunch of guys, a few cousins together.

We got together. We had a few drinks. You know what I mean? Now everybody else was was sipping on their beer. You know what I mean?

Now me at the age of 9, they were all making faces and by the second beer, I really started enjoying the taste. You know what I mean? By the second beer, and and I was off, and I drank hardcore. You know what I mean? By the age of, 12, I'm drinking I'm drinking every day.

It's it's casual where I'm from. You know what I mean? If you could tell, I am not from Texas. You know what I'm saying? I might sound a little different, so just bear with me, and I'll try to slow it down some.

Okay? You know what I mean? Yeah. Right on. See, he got it.

You know what I mean? You know, so, yeah. Right on. You know? So I I'm drinking hardcore by the age of 12, in the honest truth, and and I drank, a lot.

And it was and it was normal to drink the way I drank because my father drank that way, my cousins drank that way, and it's not shocking, you know what I'm saying, to see a a 12 year old drink like that. It's not not where I'm from. We we, by the age of 14, I I have these great cousins that, you know what I mean? They said if you want to make a little bit of extra money, they were gonna put me to work at Washington Square Park, and I sold cocaine for them. You know what I mean?

I never tried cocaine. Never in my life. You know what I mean? And when they put me to work in the park, I decided that I should try what I'm selling. You know what I mean?

Because I don't wanna look bad. You know what I'm saying? So quality control. You know what I mean? So I had to know exactly what I'm putting out there, and I tried it, and it blew my mind.

You understand? Cocaine and I was alcoholics anonymous. I'm a respect alcoholics anonymous because I am an alcoholic. I'm the true blue alcoholic. But, you know, it's an aerosol some drugs in my story, so bear with me.

And and I won't and I won't really linger on the actual drug problem. But, it's part of my story. And, I tried this. I I tried cocaine and and wow. I was able to drink the way I wanna drink.

For the first time in my life, I was able to put away as much alcohol as I possibly could. Because, see, I I didn't like to pass out. I hated it because I I couldn't get to that point that I like to get to. You know what I mean? It was it was it was almost inviting with cocaine.

It allowed me to do that. You know. So I lived my life with cocaine and alcohol and I died for a long time. By the age of 17, I was worth a quarter of a $1,000,000 in in New York. Okay.

I wasn't these these little these little piss ants you see hanging out in the corner. Alright. I had everything I ever wanted in my life. By the age of 17, I drove a BMW. Alright.

I had everything I ever wanted in my life and still unhappy. So I had, that came crashing down when the police decided that I was too big for my britches, and they took me down hard. And, my mother, bless her heart. You know, she she decided that, that I was I I wasn't doing well, and she visited me a lot in prison. And I got out of prison, and I decided that that this time I was gonna change my life and and and I meant it with all my heart that this time, this you know what I'm saying?

Drugs and alcohol, bad. I'm not gonna do it, and I meant it with everything. And I had a sufficient reason to quit because my mother, you know what I'm saying, just finished bypass surgery and she was real, real sick. And I had all the reason in the world to quit, and I wasn't gonna do it. So, that lasted about a week.

Alright. So I was back on the street doing doing the game, trying to hustle, and this time, something happened. It wasn't about the money anymore. It was about the drugs and the alcohol. And I started owing people money, and then and then really just started getting out of control and my best friends from the state of New York asked me to leave.

They told me, you know what I'm saying? You best leave New York. You know what I'm saying? You best. You you don't you're not gonna make it here.

So I said, okay. I have an uncle in Texas. There's no drugs in Texas. There's no alcohol in Texas. So why the hell not?

I'm going to Texas. You know what I mean? And, I got out here. You know what I'm saying? And and, you know, I mean, I started a few families.

I mean, you know what I mean? I've I've been married 4 times already. So, I started a few families and ran a muck and, you know, by this time, honestly, drugs and alcohol was still doing their job. You know what I'm saying? Because because the honest truth is is I was able to work 18 hour shifts.

You know what I mean? I I work for a retail company here in Texas, and I was able to work 18 hour shifts. You know what I mean? I get so just blown away, and I work work work, and then I go home. The only way I knew how to relax was open up the bottle of Bacardi.

Pretty much plain and simple. I tear it open, and then I'd come down, and I'll be able to talk to you. You know what I mean? And that's the honest truth. See, I lived my life like that for a long, long time.

A long time. You know what I mean? And and and and it did the trick. You know, you want Raul to come to work, all you gotta do is pick up the phone. He doesn't sleep.

Damn right I don't. You know what I mean? I don't sleep. I was always there, always on time, always always always always always. And see, for me, it it it it wasn't sobriety sucked.

You You understand? For me, I I dry out for a couple of days and and and and I'm like, oh my god. I'm so freaking uncomfortable. For me, sobriety was was the worst thing imaginable. You understand?

So so why stay sober? This is the way I I lived my life. You know? I I had a few drinks. You know what I mean?

And all of a sudden, you became a friend. You know what I mean? You know? And I could talk to you for a while. Throw some blow.

I talk to you for about a week. You know what I mean? So, a a lot, and we could talk for a lot. But let me tell you where where my story really took a real bad turn for the worst. I'm working I'm working overnight at this retail company and I'm having a blast.

And and, a guy comes up to me, afterwards and he says, listen, I've noticed that you've gone to the bathroom a lot. And he says and he says, you're gonna get caught. He says, let me let me give you something. And he introduced me to crystal meth. You know what I mean?

And and and oh, fuck. Yeah. You know what I mean? Crystal meth, it's impossible to get drunk. Alright?

You will not get drunk. I don't care who you are. You will not get drunk. You know what I mean? So not only now I'm drinking at home, I'm drinking on the job.

You know what I'm saying? Because there's no effect. I don't look drunk. I don't feel drunk. I'm just just wired shit.

Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? You know? You know, customers will bump that me out.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. How can I help you find something?

You know? You know? Okay. You know what I mean? Can I carry you and your groceries out?

You know what I mean? You know? That's the way I was. And and and and, and it it was great because I didn't have to go to the bathroom as much anymore. You know what I mean?

And and it was awesome. And and I got everything I ever wanted. I got the promotion at work. I got the big raises, and everything was going well. You know what I mean?

Then little by little, everything just started falling apart again. You know what I mean? Because I still wasn't happy. You see, inside, I was dying. You know what I mean?

I was dying because I couldn't draw a sober breath. I remember the first time I had the the the the shakes. You know what I mean? The the real the tremors. I don't know.

You know what I'm saying? And and my god bless you, my ex wife. It was about, I say, probably 4 o'clock in the morning or so or something like that. And I woke up and I was shaking and and uncontrollably. You know what I mean?

And I yelled out to her and I said, listen. Go to the cupboard, get the Bacardi, and pour me a drink, and I'll be better. I had no idea what the hell the d t's were. I had no idea I was detoxing. I had nothing I I I had no but I knew it would fix it.

Immediately, I knew it would fix it. I knew that that as soon as I would take a drink that I would feel better. I had no idea what detox was all about. I you know, you're not I had no idea, but I knew alcohol would fix it. See, I'm the type of guy I I go somewhere and no matter how much you come up to me and you introduce yourself and and you say, you know, hey.

Good to meet you. I you know what I'm saying? Back then, I still felt so a part of all of you, of everybody in the world. See, that's how that's how I felt sober. You know what I mean?

I I felt like there was nobody under I didn't like you, and I'm and I was sure that you didn't like me. That's how my life was in sobriety. So you're gonna tell me that that that I have to just stay sober no matter what when I felt that way? When being sober was the most miserable existence that I ever faced in my life. I got over here, and I thought my life was gonna change.

That's that's a lot of miles from New York to Waco, Texas. And I thought my life was just gonna automatically change because I got away from from my outside circumstances because I got away from people, places, and things that life was gonna be different. But I was dying inside. You understand? Because every time that that that I would move somewhere, something amazing would happen.

Right? I start hearing that voice. You're uncomfortable. These people don't like you. Okay.

So how do I make these people like me? Well, let's have a drink. And then I I start feeling better about myself. And when I start feeling better about myself, you don't look that bad. You look great.

You know what I mean? But but you don't look that bad to me. You know what I mean? And and then I feel more confident about myself. Then I had this this this this thing that I always overshoot the mark.

You understand? I could do it 3 or 4 beers. I'm doing good. But we have a great speaker that listens to that on the bottom of every beard is a rock. You know what I mean?

And that's how my life was, constantly. You know? So at this point, nothing's working out. I'm I'm I'm divorced again. My kids are terrified of me because my kids enjoyed it when I drank.

Honest truth. Because they knew daddy was gonna be completely drunk. He's not gonna be grumpy, and he'll pass out any minute. So it's okay. It's cool.

Or daddy's gonna disappear. You know what I mean? He's gonna have a few drinks. He's gonna disappear. He's gone.

And that's the way my kids saw him. I have an 11 to 7 year old, beautiful children. You know what I mean? And I have a 5 year old and I have a newborn. It's not my fault.

That's my wife's fault, the newborn. You know, I had nothing to do with that. Alright? You know? But now I I felt completely after after my last divorce, everything just fell apart.

The the whole world was wrong and you guys sucked and you know what I'm saying? And and I tried and And I had several attempts of of trying to sober up with, I had experience with alcoholics anonymous. I had experience with therapy. I had all these experiences. You know what I mean?

And, let me tell you about my last 12 step call. Okay? The last one I I went to because you're really gonna enjoy this. You know what I mean? I I was sitting there detoxing and and the nurses came up to me and they said, well, we got this gentleman here that wants to speak to you.

Right? And so he he came over and he he sat down and he goes and he said, well, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna read from from this book. And he read how it works. And I said, okay. Well, that sounded cool.

What what else is in there? He said, oh, don't worry about it. That big book is just a formality. I said, okay. I didn't know it.

Formality. Okay. Big book of formality. You know what I'm saying? So he says, so what are we gonna do?

He says, I'm gonna tell you my story. Okay. You're gonna tell me my story. Okay. You're gonna tell me your story.

So he sat there, hour and a half passes, and he's telling me his story. And he finishes and he goes, well, how do you feel? I feel worse. I feel horrible. You know what I'm saying?

But you're supposed to be feeling better. We shared. He called me detoxing. You know what I mean? I'm supposed to feel better, so I decided to tell this man my story.

And I ended up in a little room. If anybody been to the temple detox court, I ended up in a little room by myself because I threw stuff. I threw chairs at him. I didn't care about his story. And and and and why the hell did you come?

This man said that he represented Alcoholics Anonymous and he had a way of an answer. What answer did he give me? Was a was was was a piss ass story about how bad his life is. Didn't put me in with a vision with nothing. No hope.

No nothing. He came in there just just crying on my shoulder. I'm detoxing, and he's crying on my shoulder. Go screw yourself. Oh my god.

That man today, if I still see him today, I tell him to go screw himself because he almost killed me that night because I was ready to get the hell out of there and go get hot because of that man. You know what I mean? Because I was just so miserable, and that's the best answer that you people could offer me? No. So it was a beautiful experience.

So, so we look at it. Let's fast forward a little bit. Then after that detox, you know, I mean, they started they started talking about a place that I was gonna go down in Hill Country. It was supposed to be beautiful. Supposed to be one of the most magnificent places on earth and I was gonna go to treatment.

You know what I mean? And, and and I remember them popping in the video and beautiful blonde headed lady. I thought she was gorgeous. Right? She comes out, you know what I mean?

And she goes, simply the best. And there's a river in the back and you know what I'm saying? And and she's doing all this. And, you know, and I look over to my wife and I say, if I go there, I'm coming back with that blonde. You know what I'm saying?

You know? I said, you know what I'm saying? Because, you know, that that's that's recovery. The blonde. You know what I mean?

And and I I said, baby, we got the answer. And she told me to go screw myself. You know what I'm saying? But but, you know, so I went over there and and you know what I'm saying? And, let me tell you.

I had about this is when I found out that the only the only detox you could die from is alcohol. You know what I mean? I I found that out in in the temple detox. You know what I mean? How when you feel like you're gonna die.

You know what I'm saying? But you won't. Alcohol will kill you in a heartbeat. You know what I'm saying? Now now I I I was in bad shape, and, I remember my wife picking me up and and and I'm walking to the car and, you know what I'm saying, and we have one night together.

And and and, they're gonna ship me off to this place for 30 something days or whatever it was. And, and I remember I remember her pulling into a gas station. Now I'm sober for 7 days. Right? She should be getting better already.

You know what I'm saying? And and we pull up to this gas station and this lady honks her horn. I don't even think it was to us. I jumped out the car and I said, listen lady, I'll kill you. And I just got out of a fucking detox center that that claims that I'm crazy and I'll get away with it.

You know what I'm saying? So she's scared in the car. My wife's paranoid. Everybody's freaking out. You know what I'm saying?

This is the way I felt 7 days sober. Right? And and and and it was the most worst feeling in the world. So don't tell me just sit and wait for the miracle to happen because I know that doesn't work. Alright?

We got the car loaded up and, you know what I'm saying, we we went out there and I said my goodbyes to my wife. I went in I went into this little treatment center, and and there was it was so great. You know what I mean? They they brushed me through everything, and then they locked me up in a room, and they leave me there. And and I remember this this this sweet, gentle, one eyed gentleman.

You know what I'm saying? I I I I remember him well because, I don't I don't know what the hell was up his ass that morning, and and it it they made me start a journal in in rehab. And and and if you read my journal, it says, crazy one eyed skinny dude runs into my room. You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean?

And and he he runs into my room, and the guy says, you don't ever have to feel like that if you don't want to. And then he disappears. So what the hell? You know what I'm saying? Where am I?

You know what I mean? You know? So I'm telling you, man. Detoxing that's not cute. Guy with a freaking patch over his eye.

You know what I mean? He runs into your room. You know? And so the next day, he comes over. He does the same thing, but he sits down next to me and and he takes me he takes me up to he he walks me.

He walks me up, you know what I'm saying, walks me up this hill and he sits me down. You know what I mean? And and he does his his 8 o'clock spill and a few of you been to the summer camp that I've been to understand the 8 o'clock spill. You know what I'm saying? So for the first time, you know what I'm saying?

I I heard something good. You know what I mean? I did. Still didn't really care about much about the program or you know what I'm saying? All I wanted to do was feel better sober.

Right? That's all I wanted to do was feel better sober. That's it. And and, and damn it, I I wasn't getting any better. And and and I was learning all these triggers list.

Know what I'm saying? I was learning everything about my my my inner workings, my inner child. You know what I'm saying? We we just absolute bullshit. You know what I mean?

Absolute bullshit. You know, I I started learning about about about what makes Raul a drug addict. Because, you know, an alcoholic is causal. You know what I'm saying? It's because what happened to you in the past makes you an alcoholic.

Absolute bullshit. Alcoholism and drug addiction is not causal. You might have gone through some things in your past that that that might make the problem worse? Yes. Do I respect that?

Yes. But it doesn't make you use. It doesn't make you relapse. I'm sorry. It's not the way it is.

I've been through some horrific things in my life. Do I blame that because I'm an alcoholic? That happened? No. I'm an alcoholic at birth.

I I was. I was irritable, rested, discontent quite prior to my first drink. You know? Louis, bless your heart. You know what I'm saying?

The way you introduced me was beautiful. You know what I'm saying? It was because smiling, I didn't know what the hell a smile was. I got out of treatment. 30 something days later, I got out of treatment.

No. Wait. Let me tell you let me tell you the promise that I made before I left treatment. While in treatment, they told me there was another guy that that was there and he was close to Texas. His name is Josh w and you know what I'm saying?

We call him big country. You know what I mean and and a lot of y'all know him and that they said they said up and they said, well, this guy really is dying to meet you because he he wants to know somebody from his hometown is here and and and I remember I I remember I'm I'm I'm doing a little chair thing. I'm sitting down and and and and I hear this voice out of nowhere. Are you routing for Michael? I said no.

I said hell no. Real big country guy, flip flops, overall, no t shirt. I said, wow. He's still sober today, and he's one of my biggest best friends in the whole wide world, and I love him with all my heart. And, but but we made a promise to each other before we left.

I was about him a couple days before we left. I said, bro, what do you think about this whole AA 12 step big book thing? He goes, I think it's a crock of shit. And then what do you think? I think it's a crock of shit too.

Is it anything else works for you? No. Anything else work for you? Uh-uh. Wanna give it a shot?

Why not? That's how it was, and we left with that. Now I'm 30 something days sober. I'm in, I'm back home. You know what I'm saying?

I'm feeling fucking horrible. I have never felt this bad before in my life at 30 something days sober. Alright? Because Because I'm sitting there with no solution, no answers to my problems, no nothing. They they hook me up with this strange hippie guy from Waco.

You know what I'm saying? And and I called him and said, dude, I ain't a sponsor. He goes, dude. Okay. You know what I mean?

And and come down and and we'll go to a meeting. You know what I'm saying? And, this son of a bitch. Yes. You know, this guy takes me to my first meeting.

Right? Well, here here here how it goes. I got I I come in from treatment. It's about a 4 hour drive, and I end up at at DePaul. And he he says, well, that means this means it doesn't start.

Jump in. Well, my wife's with me. You know what I'm saying? Well, to have her ass jump in too. So so he he jumps in he jumps in his car.

He drives away. He had this huge Magnum PI mustache. You know what I'm saying? And and his hair covered his mustache. So he had to talk to me go, you know what I'm saying?

He had to oh oh oh oh oh, I it it was the funniest thing in the world. Right? So he's telling me to jump in. My wife says, okay. These AA guys don't know what they're doing.

They're all crazy. You know what I'm saying? But by the way, my my wife is a recovered member of this program too. She's the most beautiful woman in the world, and we'll get into that later. But, and I had to say that.

But, you know what I said? So we jump in and we go to a meeting. I got my little big book in my hand. I'm scared as hell. I feel horrible inside.

The world is is just going wrong, and and I wanna I wanna drink. I wanna drink. You know what I'm saying? That's the honest truth. You know what I mean?

I remember calling him up and telling him, bro, I can't quench my thirst. I've drank almost 3 gallons of water already. Nigga's 2. We know what you wanna drink. You know what I'm saying?

You know, that's your problem. You know what I mean? So we run to this meeting, and and and we sit there, and and I remember how the meeting went. I sat there and and and it started. My name is Joe, and I'm an alcoholic.

My wife's a whore. My kids are all evil. My lawnmower don't work. Oh, wow. So by by by the end of that meeting, I knew everybody's problems.

So everybody's dumping and vomiting on the table at at this meeting. Now you know this this beautiful feeling that some people say that when I walked into AA, I felt like I was home. You know what I mean? And I know you you know what? The first meeting the first meeting I walked into, I was booed because I carried one of these.

The first meeting that I walked into, I was booed. And the hell with them because none of them are sober today anyway, so it doesn't matter. You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? So I'm a tell you something.

You know what I mean? And this is where where where for me, I get a little controversial probably sometimes. You know what I mean? But but but take it back. I'm actually so where was I?

So we took it to this meeting, and then I look over my sponsor and I say, you know what I mean? I say, dude, you know what I'm saying? I feel like drinking. I don't know what to do. And he goes, don't worry about it.

You know what I'm saying? You know, I'm gonna take you to a solution based meeting next. It says a solution based meeting. You know what I'm saying? What's that?

He goes, that's something, probably a a little bit more big book, a little bit more on key, a little bit more more spiritual, a little bit more happy, a little bit more free, a little bit more joyous. You know what I'm saying? And he's and he took me to that meeting afterwards. And I walked into that meeting, and I swear to God. You know what I mean?

A lot of people probably know her. Her name is Donna Kaye, and she's one of the most beautiful ladies in the world. And I walked into this meeting, and she hugged me. You know what I'm saying? Now she hugged me, and and and I'm 30 something days sober.

I'm miserable. Right? I felt every part of my body just make you know what I mean? Like, don't touch me again. You know what I mean?

That's what it felt like, you know, at 30 something days sober, you know, and that's 30 something days dry. That's without working the damn step. That's without doing anything out of what was recommended out of this book. That that that's what sobriety felt like to me. You know what I mean?

Just completely miserable. Just just miserable. You know what I mean? And and and damn it if my sponsor didn't know I was just miserable. You know what I mean?

And and and and bless his heart. You know what I'm saying? He he he helped save my life. I walked into that meeting, and and and I saw people like like Brian and just just you know what I mean? Smile in a way and people talking about good stuff.

You know what I mean? For the first time in my life, I started hearing I started hearing you you know what I'm saying? People talk about, hey. You know what I mean? You you you can buy a house.

Okay. You know what I'm saying? I you could have credit again. You could have you could be have peace of mind. You know what I mean?

I remember that peace of mind because the topic was what what is the 12 steps done for you. I remember the topic of that meeting. You know what I'm saying? And you you could have everything that your heart ever desires, and you could be happy and sober. You know what I mean?

I never thought that'd be possible. Never in my life I ever thought that'd be possible. Now it was a catch because I I I'm firmly the the the one who brought the message to me helped save my life, and that's the honest truth. Because he says you are not gonna get these things by meaning making. You are not gonna get these things by showing up and suiting up.

You are not gonna get these things one freaking day at a time. You are not gonna get these things, you know what I mean, by by by just showing up and sitting in the freaking magic chair. You have to do some work. So being Puerto Rican, I'd said, no. I don't wanna work.

You know what I mean? I don't wanna work. I'm scared. You know what I'm saying? You know, will I get calluses?

You know what I'm saying? I got pretty hands. You know? You know what I mean? So so we got to work.

We got to work. And and, and I had I had what they call a step one experience. Right? A step one experience was not the most beautiful thing in the world. I didn't I didn't float.

I didn't it was horrible. I you know what? My step boy experience was, oh, I'm gonna die, And and my sponsor looked over. He goes, yes. You're gonna die.

You know what I'm saying? And he agreed with me. And and and you know what I'm saying? And we sat there and and we worked the steps thoroughly and honestly. You know what I mean?

And and and and no. It didn't take me a freaking, a step a month. No. It it I I like, I have a year to wait to be happy. I have a year to wait to be now I can't make it 30 something days without killing somebody or trying to hurt somebody.

I got a year to wait. Absolute rubbish. You know what I'm saying? So so he he he you know what? Instead of going to a meeting, he would, come out.

Let's go. Let's go get a cup of coffee and then do some step work. You know what I'm saying? Let's go get a cup of coffee and then do some step work. Let's get down to the real nitty gritty.

You know what I'm saying? And and and he and he ran me through those steps. You know that? He he did. And and and we 123.

Bam. You know what I'm saying? I I did a 3rd step prayer at the this little hospital that I was in and I was talking about. And and and I saw these these these people come down and and then think, oh, isn't god wonderful? And they're walking down the hill, and they did this Thursday prayer.

And I'm walking down the hill saying, I wonder if I can get my money back from this place because they're a bunch of idiots. You know what I'm saying? And and you know what I mean? And and and and and I never got that 3rd step buzz, you know what I'm saying, from from that hospital state. Never in my life.

I never got Whatever. You know what I mean? And and and I and and I was horrible. I did a 3rd step prayer with this man in in in in in in DePaul, the 2nd chance group, and we did it behind this little this little room. And and I got up off my knees.

I I it wasn't. You know what I mean? But I felt something different. Okay? After I did my 3rd step prayer, I think it took us about, what, a week and a half?

You know what I mean? To get there. And and and after I did my 3rd step prayer, you know, I I felt different when I got up. I I knew. I I just felt completely different when I got up.

You know what I mean? And and but but it wasn't a a a big you know what I'm saying? You know you know you know, hallelujah. No. It wasn't like that.

You know what I mean? It was just I felt something different. I woke up the next morning, something amazing happened. For the first time in my life, I did not wanna use. It wasn't even it wasn't even a question.

It it wasn't there. The obsession was removed. You know what I mean? I called him up. I'm crying.

I the tears in my eyes. My wife says fuck if he relapsed. You know what I'm saying? So so so, you know, you know, you know, to be honest too, she's looking at me. You're high.

You know what I'm saying? Because you don't cry. You know what I mean? And she's looking at me like that. You know what I mean?

And and and I'm like and she asked me, well, what's wrong? What's wrong? And I said, you know what? For the first time, nothing. There's absolutely nothing wrong.

I don't know how to explain that. You know what I mean? I did a thirst trip print the day before. You know what I mean? And I woke up, and the obsession to drink and drug was removed.

After all these years of my life waking up and wanting to drink, it was removed for the first time. Because somebody took the time the time to explain what the hell a first step was. It wasn't about my consequences. It wasn't about how many rehabs I've been to. Wasn't about none of that.

It was about something real simple, powerless and unmanageability. Powerless is it's it's when I put it in my body, I have a physical reaction to alcohol and drugs. I want more. And there's nothing that man, woman, child, court, cop could say that's gonna change that. Unmanageability is simple.

Unmanageability means what? I make a decision to stay sober, and I just can't keep this I can't stick to it. That's polish and unmanageability. I don't care how many rehabs you have. I don't care how much dope you shot up.

I don't care how many liquor stores you you know what I'm saying? You drank out of business. You know what I mean? You know? I don't care.

I don't care. Policy no mangerability are something just just so so simple. You know what I mean? And we wanna complicate these things about our story. But our story is all we got.

Well, I pity you. I pity you if that's all you got. I really do, because there's a lot more a lot more to life than my story today. So we do this 3rd step. And then we jump into a 4 step immediately, you know, because he didn't let me wait a week to marinate on this thing.

You know what I mean? You know what I mean? So so we jump in and bam bam bam bam. And we get a thorough image. Took took me about 2 weeks and I called him.

I said I'm done. He goes, holy shit. Nobody's ever done that before. You know what I mean? You know, and and he's like he's surprised that I'm done.

And I said, yeah. I'm done. And so we get into a fist step, and, you know, the fist step is supposed to be, you know, I I pour my soul out to him and and I let him fall. And and and there's these great fish that promises in this book. You know what I mean?

And and and I'm supposed to tell this man my whole life story, and and I I left something out. I did. And and I I didn't get those fish step, you know what I'm saying, those those 5th step promises. And, and I'm and I'm and I'm completely just just just broken up, And I just I I just couldn't trust. I I I couldn't trust another man to hear everything about me.

You know what I'm saying? And and and it wasn't about I told them all the other deep, dark secret things. You know what I'm saying? About the the the exciting gay affair with that guy, but, you know, that's a joke. You could laugh.

Alright? That's it. I'm just joking. You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

That's a that's a little that's a little humility play for me, you know, as I try to downplay the Raul. You know what I'm saying? So but but let's be I I told him everything except one thing because I thought it would incriminate me, and and I think that no man should have known. God put somebody in my life to share that with. And and I and I remember I remember I remember exactly because because, I called him up and I I what was it, John?

About 1:30 in the morning, 2 o'clock. You know what I'm saying? And I and I told him, dude, I left something out. And and he goes, well, first of all, don't ever call me at this time again. You know what I mean?

And and and and I and I blurt it out over the phone and he hangs up on me. And and I wake up that morning and I experienced the 5 step promises. You know what I mean? And and and it was the most wonderful feeling in the world. You understand?

To to to to to have somebody know all of you. You know what I mean? That that is the most wonderful feeling in the world. And and I cried again. And my wife was completely ready to divorce me because she said I had known this man relapsed.

In 1 month, he cried twice. That's he's drunk. You know, how's can you explain it? So we run into it. You know what I'm saying?

Bam. Bam. Bam. We go through it. 5th, 6th, 7.

You know what I'm saying? I had a list of character defects. I I had, like, 4, and he had about 18. You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean?

And you know what I'm saying? And and he and he goes, dude, trust me. You are really screwed up. You know what I mean? You you know, so so I took his word for it and, you you know, we we did the 7 step prayer.

Bam, bam, bam. We went through it. Got it. You know, and and please, if somebody's actively working the steps lady, I've been hearing that people have been trying to make their amends while they're doing their 4 steps. Cut it out.

You know what I'm saying? You don't know what you're sorry for. You know what I mean? Stop. You know what I mean?