The Sunlight of the spirit confrence in York, PA

Oh, that's okay. Thank you. I'm Lamar, and I'm an alcoholic. Alright. I wanna thank the committee for making this mistake, but I'm I'm grateful that they invited me because I'm almost home.

I don't want any more jobs, but I'm a Pennsylvania Dutchman. I I'm a dying breed. I'm a pure alcoholic, and I'm a kid that was raised bilingual. And next week, I'll be in the church that my grandfather and you know what? You use it or lose it.

Yeah. And and you know what? You use it or lose it. That's not original. So a couple of these old guys told me that.

So thanks to the committee. And whatever I will be is by the grace of God in you people. I'm an alcoholic in recovery. I'm gonna die an alcoholic. If you're an alcoholic, so are you.

But when the sunlight of the spirit comes in, it gives us confidence that we might die with alcoholism and not from it. And that's the name of that tune. That's the name of that tune. When we get confidence in the future, it's one of the most blessed things that I've ever received. I'll tell you how I discovered I was an alcoholic.

My brother brought me many many years ago. After after I get started, you'll know I'm a very opinionated person and I never had opinions when I was drinking in my first 10 or so years. But now that I'm old, I'm very opinionated because I just celebrated 43 years of sobriety. And I'm 76 years old. If you're not opinionated by that time, shame on you.

My brother brought me to AA many years ago. I was sober a year and a half and I I proved this book to be correct. The same personal drink again or something like that. I don't quote the book very good. I read this book and the big book.

And my wife says when it comes to quoting the big book, there's only one verse I know. Women, obey your husband. Well, I know 2 verses. Right below that, it says the older women are teach to teach the younger women to obey their husbands. And those Southern Baptists had a big fight over that last year.

And so I I don't read well. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and I was shocked when I found out I could hardly read because when I went in World War 2 in 1943, I was told I was above average intelligence. By the time Booze got through with me and sent me to you people, guess what you told me? You'll have to go with what you got left. Go with what you got left.

And I don't read well. And I told my brother after I well, I drank after the 1st year and a half. I'll skip over that part because I had no putting the plug in the jug is fine. Putting the plug in the jug leads to sobriety. And you get so dry, you can be set on fire.

But recovering from alcoholism is a threefold thing. And I told him a Dutch boy and a farm boy, and these hands milk many a cow. And one of the things you sit on to milk a cow is a milking stool. And a milking stool is a wonderful engineering feat. It's 3 legged and it fits the terrain.

Whether there's floppers, or whatever is in there, it fits the terrain. That's why it's 3 legged. And this program is 3 legged. And when you just put the plug in the jug and stop there, you're unbalanced. And so recovering from alcoholism and sobriety in my book are not synonymous.

That's me, not anybody else. Sobriety and recovering from alcoholism are not necessarily synonymous. It's what you do after the plug is in the jug. It's what you do after this conference is over and the door swing open and we go out into the ball game of life. Out there where the rubber meets the road.

Practice, man. If you wanna go to Carnegie Hall, practice, man. Practice. Says we practice these principles in all affairs. You don't go to AA.

I realized that I was AA at home and at work And I came here with my brother. He was a bit he was a worse drunk than I was. Some of these and I want to thank my fine hostess. We got reacquainted after many years. But my brother brought me that first time and he always put me in the back and with the coats and hats and didn't want anybody to see me.

He was ashamed of me. And then after I drank in 56 and and came back, he still put me back there with the hats and coats. Now there's one version here I do know. One page, one line. And there are people who come here with grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to the Pardon?

That's one of the key words. And my brother brought me. And the first time I was around here when they mentioned the big book, I thought it was a Bible. And then when I came back in 56 for the 1st year and a half, I still thought it was a Bible. That's how sick I was.

And I stood in the back. I was the skinniest guy in AA. The only shape I had was my Adam's apple. And my brother was one of those guys when he drank, he swelled up. I guess his liver was shot.

And after after a while, they noticed me. They didn't notice me for months. I was back there standing with the coats and hats. And finally, they said, what the heck is that skinny guy doing back there? They said, well, he's to make sure the fat guy gets here.

But I came back and that seems to be important too, to come back. And I put the plug in the jug and it seemed every 6 months I moved up a row and it wasn't long. I was done with the incurables. And it took a long time. But I told my brother, I said, I told him I couldn't read, and that's when he told me.

He says, well and my primary learning learning to read was the Balmer prologue. And then the grapevine. I still read the grapevine in my 24 hour book. I still don't read well. I don't retain that which I read.

I try. So one of the things that got me and and made me know that I was an alcoholic is because every meeting I went to years ago was a drunkalog meeting. It wasn't any of this who struck John. And does anybody have a burning desire? And my brother was at a meeting in Tampa, Florida one time.

He says, boy, it was about 60 people, and they all shared. I said, well, if there'd been 61, one, if I had been there, number 1 wouldn't have shared. I'd have left. Because I feel it's a great responsibility to stand up here and break the bread of life. There are people that carry the message, but there are typhoid Marys here that spread the disease.

And, I told you I'm a know it all. But one thing, if you don't speak at meetings, you don't shake hands, it don't take long to do you have the winners picked on. And back in that era, you didn't drink coffee before and during the I go to some meetings today and the people come in late and they drink 4 cups of coffee. They come in late and they shake hands with 4 people. The guys up here talking and they drink 4 cups of coffee and they leave before the baskets pass.

And I decided I was gonna start a meeting at 12 o'clock meeting. And 12 o'clock, you locked the door. I was I was sharing in a meeting. Not well, it's a good while ago now. And I hate those round robins in a way.

I used to like them. But I was sharing and I started the meeting and I read a little bit from the book and started. And soon as I started reading, this guy across the table when the other table was going like this. So when I was ready to call on somebody, I call on Betty because I knew Betty was sober and I knew her. That's my responsibility.

So she said, Lamar, that guy wants to talk. I said, I thought he had to go to the bathroom. And I told her, I don't call on people I don't know and I don't know what they are. And so I kept moving up, didn't read anything. But one of the thing they did back in that era, they broke down your denial system.

And another thing we did in that era, this was a rusty zipper group. You dig it? And this is the kind of group when a new guy comes in, and we get together and couple of them old timers, who Dennis was talking about last night, would say, I don't think he's ready. He still has a watch. But they would break down your denial system.

And, I I got scared about that not being able to read. So the only thing they read was that Ballmer prologue. And we had a success rate back in that era 85%, but somebody always wanted to improve on it. And I'd hate to tell you what it is today because everybody kept improving things. Stop reading that because I don't know.

Maybe it's not conference approved. I don't know if Bill told you, but I'm not conference approved yet. But if you keep your mouth shut, you see better. And so I was getting a picture here. And I was getting picture that the fat cats get at the trough.

And I knew I was never a bench warmer. I don't wanna brag on my sports life, but it was pretty good if I do say so myself. Pray when you all said the Lord's prayer and we had a couple of guys quote it, And I didn't want to pray when you all said the Lord's prayer and we had a couple of guys quoted scripture. You know them those holy rollers. And I said I said, I I don't want that Jesus number that sawdust trail.

Man, I'm tough guy yet. I still got some didn't have any teeth, but I was tough. I said, I don't wanna hear that Jesus number. But I assume I watched some of the winners and and they did certain things. They were participants, but they also did some other thing.

Most of them went to church and I didn't want it to go that route. But putting you in a barn won't make you a horse. Putting you in a garage won't make you a car. And putting your butt in these meetings till it falls off won't hack it till you get get on the road. And so I knew that I'd have to maybe maybe I could get well enough to read the prologue one day.

So when you all read it, I Sonny, some of one of our oldest members in Maryland, he still always carries 1 in his pocket, the Balmer prologue. And I always have a couple of them in my car. And so when you all read it, I started reading it reading it. And one thing about this program, it meets you at the level of your needs right now. Whether you're from Yale or whether you're from jail.

And I started reading that. Then I would go home and try to read it. And Alcoholics Anonymous met me at the level of my needs. In this prologue that we don't read anymore because it worked and and, there's one of the first lines in this program, pro prologue, is definitions of alcoholics are many and varied. For brevity, we think of an alcoholic as a person whose life is unmanageable to any degree due to the use of alcohol.

And after I finally got to be able to read this and looked at that, all at once it says, It doesn't make any difference how long I drank, where I drank, what I drank, with whom I drank was to be or not to be is the question. I'm an alcoholic and I must refrain free of Oduls, beloved. Oduls killed my baby brother, the professor, The all knowing, the all wise. He died penniless, the professor, one of the most famous men in the west. What a sad thing.

O'Dull's always took him back to the real McCoy. So all at once, it made it dawned on me that crawling home wasn't necessarily social drinking. My father found me in the gutter before I was legally old enough to drink. And my father said, never come home. Never contact me.

You're no good, and you'll never be any good. So social drinkers don't crawl home. They call home, but they don't crawl home. And so I it dawned on me something else. It doesn't make any difference what kind of alcohol you drink.

Many I'm I told you I'm a Pennsylvania Dutch boy. My last name is actually Raeder, but I go by anonymous name, Rader. And I always hated my first name, never used it till I came here and you told me I'd be LaMoure seemed kinda swish. And I said back in that area, I said, damn. A a super jock like bitch.

Who in the hell am I? Why? I said, I'm gonna go by jocko. And so I had an alias all my life until I got honest here and used my right name. God, I'm glad I'm not a a Joe.

Quite. There's 20 Joes in here. 15 Mikes. But there's only one Lamar. And when y'all talk about alcoholism, I said, yeah.

And something in every I believe this is one thing we have in common. We're different. We're different, and that's okay. But every he used to cry out inside of me. Yes.

But I'm different. I told Pat about how different I was in high school. I've never been to a prom. I've been to bordellos and stuff in high school. Never to prom.

I left football practice and drank shots and beers, never to the social dance. I was different. That don't have anything to do with my alcoholism. And so I kept reading that and pretty soon I I got up one night and well, the first thing I did, I still wouldn't wanna believe in God but I would accept my alcoholism. So we never had a group conscience meeting in the old Canton group where I was a member for 30 years till I moved.

And I wanna tell you something about joining the home group. If you don't wanna attend it, don't join. Don't lass it up. I didn't miss over 5 days in my home group in 20 years except vacation time. And if you think I'm bragging, I am.

But I believe the backbone of Alcoholics Anonymous is the home group. That's where we break down the denial system. I'll tell you something else what the Canton group did. When a new person did come in, whether he had a watch or not, we rigged the meeting. We had this always met up front and say, who's chairing the meeting?

We got a new guy. Make sure he calls on just for day George. And he was a bore. But but boy, did he do a number on the new guy. He would read that just for the day card and expound on it.

And he and we got guys with 27, 30 years of sobriety involvement. So first meeting I went to, I met big judge for the day, George. Jury did. We rigged the meeting. We were about our father's business.

And so one night, the hierarchy was gathered up in the table after the meeting like they did and my brother was a my sponsored brother was a carrier pilot. A couple other more officers. I was a poor old staff sergeant with an old army air corps, prime shoe army air corps with a gunner. So I went up there. I think I might even salute it.

I wanted what they had. You know why I wanted what they had? They told me what they had. They didn't tell me what they read. They didn't tell me what they heard.

They told me what they experienced. And I wanted what they had. And I went up to that hierarchy. I've been coming for 2 years reporting for duty. I wanna join Alcoholics in that.

My brother, Lieutenant Raider, looked at me. He said, I would've laid 5 up your Dutch head. He said, don't you know you're a member of AA when you say you are? I said, sign me up. And I've been signed up ever since.

And it's in my report, if I don't say anything, it's it's well getting well. And Virginia said it this morning, this program works on the good days and it works on the bad days. And I might tell you about a couple of bad days. I don't know. But still there were things missing in my life.

And we used to have the only guy in the Ballmer area had a beard. Only one guy. And we wore coats and ties back then. And, this Eaton had been an old lawyer down in Louisiana and was under the bridge type of drunk. And every week, he he he stabbed me.

He said, those that don't bend the knees, bend the elbows. How many ever had audio d t's? I had them before they came out. You know, where you go out drinking all night and the next morning, you're working and the sounds come out of the air and the steam lines In the mood. And when you're young, you can to them.

But that goes to But pretty soon I had horse Hordio DTs, but there were those that don't bend the knees, bend the elbow. And I was so sick. I was unemployed and unemployable. My wife had a good job. And when she left in the morning, I was on the sofa.

And when she come home at night, I was on the sofa. And she said, Lamar, what is it with you? After a while, she noticed this. She said, what is it with you? I said, what?

She said, every night, I leave in the morning, you're on a sofa night, Lamar. I said, shut up, Manny. I'm sick. I got a disease. Easy does it.

Next day, she come home with a bag with something in it. She said, hold out your hand. She slapped something in it. And she said, does that fit? And I said, yeah.

I guess. And it was a paint roller. She said, easy does it. Those that don't work, don't eat. And I got the massage in the walls.

And that was going through my head. Those that don't bend their knees, bend their elbow. Those that don't bend their knees, bend their elbow. I couldn't get rid of it. I come down off that ladder.

I knelt by the bed that was folded up over there and I said a prayer. So just as I am, without one plea, I'm through now. I can't hack it drunk. I can't hack life sober. I can't hack it drunk.

I can't hack it sober. Will you help me? They said, you would. I expected the light like Bill Wilson got but I didn't get the light. But I got shown the way.

And I started going to church with Marlon Annie. And I don't wanna scare Dennis, but I married him to a southern baptist family. And when I was drinking, I used to show up at their they used to my I'm married to Annie for 52 years. I know her for 55. And guess what?

Some of those baptists practice what they preach. My wife don't gossip much. And I've never heard my wife say a a profane word unless dad gum it profanity. She don't cuss and she stuck with me. And the first thing alcoholism did was lost up my drinking.

And then the second thing it did was get me sober where I really saw what I was and what I had been. But it also showed me what I could be. I took my wife and I had some good jobs. I was with the company invented hospitalization life insurance. I sold groceries.

I have good jobs, but I never had any money. And I took those girls through the muck and the mire to the extent where we lived in one room in East Baltimore, And we got thrown out of it. And we rented an apartment with no furniture. And today, my home my daughter is a home economist by education. But back in that area, we didn't have French providential or early American.

We had early NP. We slept on the floor and we had boxes for furniture. And I said, well, I can't get any worse than this. And the next day, I got a warrant served a warrant for income tax evasion. That was hard to do in the fifties.

Be arrested for income tax evasion. And they told me if I paid a little something every week, I could stay out of jail. And that turned me into a periodic. Because I had to stay out of jail. But then when I came to AA, I saw all these things.

But I saw something in the lives that I wanted. Dignity. I got invited to their homes to picnics. And I realized what a mess I've made in my own life, but what a terrible mess I made on Annie and Marla's life. And I said maybe it'll change.

And I'll tell you what kind of drunk I am. I was telling Pat about this. I, I said to Annie a long time ago, I don't know when it was, but, I said you always knew I'd stay sober. She said, no. I didn't.

I never thought you'd stay sober. So now you know what kind of drunk I was. And I used to hang around the chip house. Some of you hang in there. Some of you can't find it.

And I used to go down there because it was kinda low bottom. And I didn't think I'd be allowed in Towson where they stroke spoke trigonometry and then, you know. So I used to go to them low bottom, but like I said, rusty zipper groups. And I used to go to this meeting. And today, I go to meetings.

A new guy comes in. You know what they do? They run up to him. You know what? They say you're the most important person in the room.

This is a selfish selfish program. Work it your way. I used to go on the chip and the head guy down there, he was from Boston. You know how in Boston they pack the car. And he had a broken index finger.

No matter where I sat, it looked like he was pointing at me. He said, you're here to play games? Get the hell out. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way. I get out.

Why would you like that? I think they call that tough love. But I kept going on there and I'd hide behind this pole. I was so skinny. I could hide behind this pole.

And one day, I thought I was a notch above some of these low bottom drunks like Mike and some of them guys I know back here home, my homeboys. And I thought I was a notch above my brother and some of them. I never sold blood. Didn't have any. He come up to me one night after the meeting and put his arm I hate it when I didn't shake hands.

I didn't and you talk. Boy, if you'd have hugged me, I'd have died. But he come up and put his armor on me. He says, Lamar. He said, keep coming back.

He said, if you can stay sober, anybody can. So remember to carry that to your own life and your pigeons. I met a guy today. If he can stay sober, anybody can. So and every meeting I went to back then I don't know what time we started.

It's one thing I can't tell time. I can't. Every meeting I went 2 years I gotta take my coat off. You know, I have one now. So it's hard to find that size of the goodwill.

But every meeting I went to, we were about our father's business. And I I think 80 to nearly every speaker years ago would say this, you can't keep it unless you give it away. That's the first conclusive fact that Bill Wilson came up with there in the hotel. He had to find a drunk. And I know another version in this book.

It says, if you don't have a drunk, find 1. Does it say that or not? Did I read that correctly? God, I'm getting better. And so I said, jeez, I can't carry the message.

I don't have the message myself. But after I went to church with Annie and Morrill, they sang my prayer just as I am. And I started eventually going on 12 step calls, be see because you know why? I wanted what you had, and I knew you were telling the truth when you said those that don't bend the knees, bend the elbow. And those that don't carry the message, bend the elbow.

So I went on a 12 step call. And did you ever you know, I told you I thought I was a super jock because I was written up in the paper twice and I was a pro one time. I made $5 when I was 17 for playing basketball. And but if you want a thrill, and we're gonna go back to this so listen up. We're gonna not be back knocking on doors.

You wanna build character? You knock on the door and represent Alcoholics Anonymous. There's no higher calling than that. Does Joe Dunn live here? Yes.

It's up in bed. It was always it. It's up in bed. It's a and I went to see this one guy. So I thought, well, I'll give him my gory drunkologue.

I won't give him my son anymore. I said, yes. And I grew up on Dan Line Wine and Homebrew. And my brother and I, my sponsor brother and I, were the brew masters and capped a beer. And during I learned to drink during Prohibition, when it was illegal to drink.

I'm not old. And so I told this guy, he's in bed. They used to be in bed. You wanna learn how to pray? You 12 step them suckers that are in bed.

You pray. You know what you tell God? Nothing fancy. You'll tell God don't let this sucker die. And I took so I told this guy.

I said, yeah. Well, I went in the army. I went down to South Texas and and I drank a lot in the war. After the war in South Texas and I said, I appeared in a public sexual exhibition where dues and fees were charged in Matamoros, Mexico. And he perked up alone.

And then I said, when home movie cameras come out, we made a movie and got drunk and showed it to our wives and they're all divorced but me. And then I said, well and then I smuggled a Mexican prostitute out of the zone of the tolerance and took her in the Texas. If you ever had their man act read to you, baby, you'll you'll get you'll get you'll get spiritual. When they lock you up, you know, the charges of man act. I didn't pray much till that night.

I said, Jesus, it's Lamar. Remember me? I'm one of John Brown's grandsons. So I told this guy, and he starts stirring when I told him about drinking all that carte blanca beer and that tequila and the and the bouncers chasing me down the alleys and this jackpot and that jackpot. And he started stirring.

He says help me up. And I helped him up to the bathroom. He started cleaning up. I said, does this mean you're going to a meeting with me? He said, hell, no.

I'm going to Mexico. If you think I'm kidding about that, we had a buddy just come back from Matamoros. So I shouldn't tell that story anymore. And, so I had some success and I had some failures. But I tell you, God put in my life some important people.

God put my life some people, and my father had convinced me I was no good. That never be any good. But I said, well, maybe my life can count for a little something here. I had pigeons that were on their second set of kids. They had ruined the life of of a woman and had 3 and 4 and 5 kids with her and left her.

And now, Herbie, I went to his house and what a mess. And he had 5 little kids there. Went to Joe's house, the same thing. And I said, well, maybe my life could count for something. And I worked harder with those type of families because I love children.

And I I did some things you shouldn't do in Alcoholics Anonymous, but I did them. I took Herbie's children to Sunday school. I saw that they had something to eat. I saw that they had love. Did you ever walk in a grocery store?

20 some year 20 years later, you walk down the aisle, you're doing the shopping now and cooking, and you bumped into a handsome young man. That's one of them expensive suits or one of them Gucci loafers. He said Lamar, I said, yeah, a tear ran down his cheek. Come on hug me. He said, I never thanked you.

I never thanked you. He said, if it hadn't been for you and your brother, we never would have amounted to anything. So I wanna thank you. I wanna thank you. That boy's a big time operator in the insurance world.

I went to my daughter's graduation some years ago in Carson Newman, near Knoxville. And Herbie's, this boy's grandfather, Herbie's father, my pigeon father lived there. And he said, would you call my father? I didn't go see him. I said, yeah.

And I couldn't find him. He lived in Sevierville below the Smokies there. And, time got away and my daughter and wife told me, you be on time for supper. We're having, you know, the click. I said, alright.

So I said, well, at least maybe I can call him and I could call Harvey's father. Now, this is a guy I hold him to so many meetings. 1 and 2 a day for years. I hold him to so many meetings. I finally gave him the car.

There you go. Get a pigeon. And I called his father and his father, I'm hard of hearing and sometimes that's beneficial but I heard what said last night and this morning. But I was on the phone with old man Kate on the And I'd say, our friend of Herbert's. I'm from AA.

I worked with your son, Herbert. This went on and on. He couldn't and finally, it hit him what I said. And this is what old man Kato said to me. Hey.

Hey. He said, my God. What an outfit that must be. They made a man out of my Herbert. That bum that used to mess his pants sitting at the bar, he messed his pants one night in a bar and he just sat there and the bartender pit.

This is a kind of drunk he was. The guy finally come over, he says, haven't you messed your pants? Herbie said, yeah. He said, well, why don't you go clean up? He said, because I'm not finished yet.

After I gave him that car, he got a job at Crownsville and he learned a trade. He became a stationary engineer and eventually, he wound up working at the Maryland Penitentiary making steam. He run the powerhouse. And guess what that bum? Retired as a lieutenant from the Maryland State Police.

Owned a farm in Knoxville, near Knoxville. He's in a nursing home down there now, but he had a great life. Had a nice home in East Palmer. This isn't the end when you come to alcoholics. It's a new beginning.

This is where that sunlight of the spirit takes over. And I started going to church with those girls, and I took jobs. I took one job with young men. Young boys. I took them bowl and took them to the ballgame.

Several things. I must have done a good job when I married my daughter. And my son-in-law was sitting there one day and he looked at me real funny. This is a boy that had lost up a drug store that I had invested in. He lost his pharmacy license.

Now, he's a CPA, but he looked at me. He said, you know what I'm most grateful for my whole life? I said, no. He said, the most thing I've been grateful for my whole life, I married into a family in recovery. This is a family But we recovered together.

You know why? But we recovered together. You know why? We prayed together. At supper time, when I started making a men's day, Annie.

You know what my first men's were? Coming home the same day I went to work. There's a few of you. I didn't take that. That was in the men.

Coming home every night. Payday, I gave her most of my pay. I still stole $10 but that's a joke in the family now. I finally confessed. But I used to knock down $10.

But I used to give her my pay. And she wrote a poem about me one time And how we had a love affair and high and went down the wrong path for a while and came back. And she said in this poem that I was always late for supper. Sometimes a day, sometimes 2, sometimes 3. That's late for supper.

And so, I didn't know where to start with being a father. You know, when you come out of that alcoholic world, if you're in, like if you look when I go by it tonight, you'll see my butt shaped like a bar stool. That's all I knew. My sex was in the bar room. My athletic endeavors were in I I went to the bar room from morning till night.

Saturday morning, you get the open load, the nooner, the closing load. He knows that's a sinner there. And and so here you are now you're sober. Social braces are foreign to you. Being a father is foreign to you.

Being a husband is foreign to you. Where do you start? You ask for help. And one of the first things we did, we became a family. And my mother lived with me for 20 years.

You know why? I was at least a 6 kids. My mother lived with me because she said I had the best friends of anybody in our family That included old doctor so and so. And she said, I like to live here because you people don't holler at each other. And when we start eating supper tonight, that wasn't only our evening meal.

That was communicating time and prayer time. A family of praise together stays together. That's not original either. And you didn't come to this table in t shirts and stuff. You didn't have to wear a tie, but you came to the church to the table looking presentable.

You didn't fill your plate and go in front of the TV and lay on the sofa and put your feet up on the sofa. You set up the table. And we talked. And we got to know each other. Glory to God.

Don't miss it. We got to know each other. I became a father to a child. I took her to the library and tried to motivate her towards cultural things. I took her and got her her first pair of glasses.

I was there when my wife needed me. I was there when my daughter needed me. I was there. And so we started trying to build this house and and it wasn't always easy. I had a lot of setbacks in my life and Virginia said something about this program this morning, but I want to tell you this and repeat what kinda what she said.

This program works on the good days, but it works best on the bad days. I Told some of the things that happened to me at a conference one time. I stood over here and the guy slipped a fin in my pocket. So I'll be over I'll be over here with Bill Hampton. But some bad things started happening and in May, my wife was paralyzed from the waist down from chicken pox.

Herpes oyster and she's been paralyzed for 15 years. I come home from I was with big George. Where's big George? Big that big ugly. Oh, there he is.

I was with George and threatened them up on the Eastern Avenue at McDonald's. I went home. My wife's on the floor, peed in her pain, and she couldn't get up. I was lucky to get a hold of the doctor. He says bring her to the hospital.

Call your son-in-law and tell him to get a wheelchair. I took her to the hospital. I wanna tell you something. This program made a man out of Herbert and it made a man out of me. These hands that used to choke Annie and put his fist through the wall for emphasis and smash everything in the house are now the hands that clean their butt.

These are now the hand that clean their catheters. I had my wife in Franklin Square twice, street time, Mercy twice, good Samaritan two times. You name it. Hershey protests everywhere. She's still paralyzed.

Her mind's been good lately. But a friend of mine in AA tried to help me because he saw the writing on the wall. My home was gonna have to go. I don't drive big car. You know, I'm Cadillac material by now, but I don't I'm lucky I'm driving a 4 banger.

But when the going gets tough, the tough get going. That's not original, is it? But boy, what are you gonna do when you see that your house is gonna have to go? What are you gonna do when you see your stocks and bonds are gonna have to go? I told you we came from one room.

But we're planning trips abroad. It's almost graduation time. You know, one of the most important things in Alcoholics Anonymous? Just for the day. Just for the day.

Just for the day. 1 day, I stood there and says, my God. What am I gonna do? And that small voice came into my heart and head. You're gonna do what you've been doing.

Press on. I wanna tell you one more calamity. I have a whole bunch of them. Them. I have so many operations.

I told Pat, she couldn't believe it. And I'm gonna show you my f you put something in my pocket. I'm gonna show you my scars over here. Scars over here. Some guys, a couple friends I met today, they graduate.

They get them tattoos. Well, I got I got their scars. I'm the scarred man. And I recovered in in from 2 incurable illnesses. 1 is alcoholism.

Everything I thought I was gonna get out of booze and drinking it as a young guy, I'm getting not in drinking it. But abstaining from it one day at a time as it now become my strength. No longer a stumbling block but it's become a stepping stone. And then you took the stepping stones and you made an arch through which we're gonna go to freedom. Free at last.

Free at last. Whether you're broke or not. 2 years ago, I sat at the doctor's office. He said, I hate to tell you this but you have cancer. And I hate to tell you this, but you're gonna lose your kidney on its side and you're gonna lose the whole urethra tract.

What do you do now? You pray. You pray and you ask everybody that knows how to pray to pray. I've told these guys to pray for me tonight. They need to practice and I need the prayers.

I started praying. And I have a couple of doctors that saw me recently, and they're amazed that I'm walking. They're amazed that I'm here. And I'm not telling you this to impress you. But I had this operation and Mike offered to take me to the hospital.

A couple of guys in here. Because my daughter lives about 20 some miles from me. And they said she'll have to sit here all morning and it's gonna be an early operation. And I said, I don't care when you love like I love. You want your daughter to be there.

And I told Mike, I want Marla to be there when we will meet in there. And the first face I wanna see when I come to, if I come to, the first face I wanna see is Marla Sids. And it worked that way and then Marla stayed with me for 4 days later. But I was in intensive care for 5 days and I was in a little longer, another day or 2, and I couldn't eat but they sent me home. I wore a catheter for 6 weeks and I I didn't leave the house for 6 weeks.

The pain was so bad. I wanna tell you, a gym can't be polished without friction and neither can man's life be perfected without adversity. You'll know how good your program is when you're in your own head for 6 or 4 weeks. You'll know. And some days I'd say, god, this is Lamar in memory.

And I had Mike Mike took care of me. He's my neighbor. He brought my mail and paper in every day and even washed my sheet but I was sick. I was sick. The pain was terrible and every time when I was at my lowest ed, a knock would come and here comes an old pigeon.

We used to call him Wild Bill. And now we call him Sweet William. And sweet William would show up. His wife is one of the finest cooks in Ballmer. And, they'd bring me food and I couldn't eat for a long time.

But I'd try to force he said force yourself to eat. And Bill would bring me food, But he brought me something else. He brought me hope and he brought me joy. Joy unspeakable and full of glory. I might sing 2 verses to that at the wall.

But he came and he would cheer me up and leave. I 12 stepped him in 1960 at a phone booth when he did. I don't worry. He got the nickel for the call. They were nickel in.