The New Years Eve party at the Northside Alcoholics Benevolent Association

Like I said, my name is Liz, and I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is July 20, 1993, and, my job tonight is to tell you a little bit, about what my life used to be like, what happened, and what my life is like now. And, it took me a long while to get to these rooms, and, I'll I'll try to talk a little bit about that. I, I'm one of those that kinda believes that I was an alcoholic from the time that I was born, because I had a lot of lot of feelings. I'm I'm a feeling driven person, but I'm also a, a, thinker, a thinker of just overly thinking things, and, I can remember some feelings that I would have.

I mean, in my earliest recollections as a child, in school, school was just painful for me. I was a very good student. I'm not saying I was a brain, but I mean, I I I really got along very well in school, academically, but socially, I was just very inept and, just painfully shy. And, I can remember when the teacher would call on me and stuff, I would know the answer, but I would just get so choked up, like, oh my God, I'm I'm put on the spot, and and I I I just couldn't get the answer out, and and my face would just get as red as can be. And and, then I finally bark it out and, you know, meanwhile, I just was just so self conscious that it just, you know, I couldn't think of anything else.

And I was thinking, God, I just sounded so stupid. Or, you know, I mean, it would just be like, you know, Chris Farley on Saturday Night Live, where he'd just pull his hair out. I mean, I don't know if y'all ever saw that skit, but anyway, I I just feel like always second guessing myself and and, just just like I said, painfully shy and painfully aware of just being so feeling so inept. And, that that carried with me through, it still carries with me sometimes. Not the ineptness so much, but just the painfully shy part.

But I know that that's where where God, can can really shine through, because, even tonight, sharing my story, I'm not nervous really, but, you think I would be because of of of how I was, you know, how I was my whole life, just very, very scared of life and scared of people. I forgot to say my prayer. I have to say it because, I I have a little daily devotional that I read. It's it's Mother Teresa, and I just love her. But, my mom I I forgot to bring it with me, so my mom, we had to call her on the way down, and my husband was, like, jotting it down.

And so if I don't say it, it'll be just, you know but it's a very beautiful prayer. It's from Cardinal Newman. And, it says, God, shine through me and be so in me that every soul I come in contact with may feel your presence in my soul. Let them look up and see no longer me, but only you, oh god. Stay with me, then I shall begin to shine as you do.

So to shine is to be a light to others. Let me thus praise you in in the way you love best, by shining on those around me. Amen. And, I just, that's what my job is to do tonight, is to let God just shine through me. Because, like I say, I mean, I'm not a I'm not a professional speaker.

I'm just a I'm just a student of Alcoholics Anonymous trying to stay sober. And, anyway, so let me get back to where I came from. Like I said, you know so by the time I was 13, feeling all these icky feelings and and, you know, I mean, my my upbringing was very, very great. I mean, my parents, they're they're wonderful people. They they sacrificed so much for me.

I have an older sister and a younger brother, and I was always kinda jealous of both of them, even though there was no reason to, now I see that, but back then, it was just, you know, I was very jealous of them, and I felt like my sister was very popular, and I felt like my brother was very good in sports, and then there's Liz, you know. And, but that that's, you know, I mean, that was just all on my mind. And that's why, again, this is all before I started drinking, so I know that, the illness of alcoholism centers in my mind, and I didn't know that back then, but I know that now. That I was just I was an over thinker, and thought too much, and felt too much. And anyway, so by the time I'm 13, you know, I'm, I'm just kind of a a person that was just kind of hanging around with the with the outcast at school, and and I started smoking cigarettes, you know, I wanted to I wanted to fit in somewhere.

And I knew I didn't fit in with the with the cheerleader type, and I knew I didn't wanna run around with the, with the studious type or the jocks and the football players and all that stuff. So I found my my, niche with what they called back then was the freaks. And they were the ones in the smoking area, you know, smoking cigarettes and stuff like that. And I, I've they just kind of accepted you. I mean, you didn't have to there was no criteria, you just were accepted, you know.

And, and I like those kind of people, the kind of people that I I that weren't judgmental. And, of course, smoking led to other things. I I remember I discovered my first drink at a party, I'd gone to at the end of 8th grade when I was 13. And, I had gone we had a foreign exchange student with us at you know, I asked my mom if I could go to this party, and she said, okay. She says, but you have to take this girl with me with you.

And I said, mom, I don't wanna because then that I felt like it that would make me stick out like a sore thumb. I don't wanna take her. And she says, well, that's the only way you're gonna be able to go. And I knew that the guy I liked was gonna be there, but he didn't know that I liked him. But, you know, in my mind, I had already walked down the aisle with this guy.

You know? But, anyway, so I said, alright, she can go. And, so she went with me and, the guy that I liked and and a friend of mine and another guy were kinda standing outside that park the the house. And, they said, hey, why don't you, stay here with us and go and drink some beer with with us? And I was like, oh, gosh.

I was thinking, what am I gonna do with her? You know? And, so I told her, I said, you go on in, and she did not know any English or anything. I said, you go on in, and I'll be I'll be I'll be in in a few minutes, and and you just, you know, mingle with the people or whatever. She had no idea what I was saying, just kind of doing the sign language, pushing her in.

And she went in and, I I went out with those other people, with the other 3, and we had a couple beers. I I remember I only had probably a couple, maybe 3 beers that night. And I remember I was very nervous to be around that guy that I liked that didn't know that I liked him. And I was very nervous and stuff, but when I had those couple beers, I remember all of a sudden just this magic kinda went over me and it was just like, wow, you know. And then I was able to talk to him.

I was able I was kinda funny with him, you know. I mean, just kind of joking and stuff like that. I was I was just, you know, that's what the big book says is that that's what it does for us is drinking, you know, we like the we like the sense of ease and comfort that comes from drinking and it comes at once. I didn't have to wait like 2 weeks after I took a drink and say, wow, when is that gonna kick in? I mean, I started feeling something different immediately and, I I didn't get rip roaring that night.

I just, you know, I remember though the feelings that came from from those from those couple beers and I was like, man, this is this is kinda cool. Because it didn't make me feel better then. It just kinda brought me up to the level where I wanted to be where where everybody else was. And, you know, so after the after the effects of alcohol wore off, you know, I wanted to get that feeling again. I wanted to recapture that.

I was never a daily drinker even up to the when my drinking had progressed, I never was a daily drinker up until the time I stopped drinking. But I tell you what, when I was, you know, after I had that first experience with alcohol, I wanted to find it again and again and again and again. And I started lying from that first time. I mean, my mom was asking me about the party, and, you know, here I was very selfish and and dishonest, you know, even from that party. And, you know, but the lying just continued from there.

I mean, the just the deceit, lying to myself, lying to everybody else. But it had started, you know, from that first time I drank. You know, like I said, you know, when you're 13, 14 years old, it's kinda hard to get it. So, you know, I babysat a lot, and I would raid their liquor cabinets or their pill cabinets or, you know, whatever and and, you know, just anything that would alter my state of mind. I got into other stuff very quickly also, but drinking was always the constant.

And, and I loved it. I loved I loved it. And if I could still drink now and and without the consequences, hell, I'd still be doing it. But see, drink drinking took me down big time. And, so what happened was I got into my, you know well, let me tell you just right after, right before high school was out, I'd gone to a private school.

In fact, I just went and spoke to them, about 3 weeks ago. I was able to go back on the premises of that school and, care you know, talk about alcoholism. And that was such a treat for me to do, because I had never been back on that on on their grounds, in what, 25, 30 years or whatever since I had left that school. I let I didn't leave on good terms with the school. They just they just didn't invite me back for the 11th grade.

It was a private school, and and, I I was glad I was out of there at that time. But you know what? Going back and and seeing that school to a few weeks ago, it was like, you know, that that would have been a great education for me, you know. But I blew it. I blew it.

At 17, I blew it. And, because of my drinking and my I was not applying myself anymore. And, but to have that privilege to go back, was really really a treat for me and kinda healing for me. But anyway, so I I met on my own, even before high school was out because my parents had gotten sick and tired of me. I mean, like I said, I started drinking when I was 13 and and my sister was kinda doing the same deal as far as going out and not coming home and and just getting drunk at the wrong moments.

And my mom's mom was very ill, and, she was dealing with that. And, yeah, I didn't care. I mean, I cared, but but drinking just was more important. And running with the crowd and the machine gun people and, you know, just people people were kinda freaky that I was running with. And the more freakier they were, the better it was.

The more bad they were, the the more I was attracted to them. And, I I think that's part of my alcoholism as far as as the living on the edge type thing. I just really thrived on that and the and the sicker it was and the and the scarier it was and the more socially unacceptable it was, the more I wanted the more I was attracted to it. And, I lived that way for many years. And, and and the people that I was running with were, like I said, they were they were equally as as attracted to that kind of stuff as I was.

And, so anyway, getting in my I started getting into trouble with the law, you know, and I always tell people that, you know, I couldn't abide by the rules at my family's house, and so they kind of invited me to either start abiding by the rules or get out. And, I I got out at 17. I wasn't even out of high school. And, you know, know, because I thought, you know, I don't I don't need y'all telling me what to do. I always rebelled against authority, but I was very compliant with the outside world.

It was just my family that I was just so disrespectful and very defiant with them. And, because here was this painfully shy girl that, you know, I wanted the world to accept me, but at home I was just this, you know, this nightmare. And, so, but I got out on my own, and I remember living in, this was in Marietta, and this place was very undesirable, but I didn't care. I had roaches, you know, swarm you'd be sitting there watching TV, and all of a sudden, these roaches would be crawling on you. And, you know, and but I didn't care.

I had my freedom, and that's all I wanted was freedom. I don't want anybody telling me what to do. And, I lived there for a while until my money ran out because I had a little bit of a savings account. I wasn't working. I mean, hell, you know.

But, but when my money ran out, I, you know, just like Bill Wilson says in his story, in our big book, you know, we we make a host of fair weather friends, and that's exactly what I was making was I I also was a fair weather friend, but the people I was running with when when everything was going well, and when I had something to contribute, hey, there they are, you know, and I was the same way. But the minute things were the chips are down, you're in jail, you're, you know, whatever, they're they're nowhere to be found. And, but I I was making a host of those kind of people. And, you know, again, just running with really sick people, and I was I was just equally as sick. I can't say that they were any sicker than I was, but birds of a feather will flock together.

You know, society will, you know, they they just won't accept people. I mean, you know, the the the stuff I was doing, they were, you know, that's when they talk about we're socially maladjusted to life, and and I definitely was doing a lot of things that were socially, you know, maladjusted. But anyway, as a result, I I started getting in trouble with the law. I started getting some DUIs and and, you know, I mean, I remember the first time I got my my first DUI, I remember I called my parents, you know. I mean, hell, you know.

I mean, I'm not gonna call the the fair weather friends. I mean, hell, we couldn't even, you know, string together 5 nickels together, you know? But, so my parents, they came they did come and get me, and I still I will never forget the way that they looked, the the look on their faces when they when they when I saw them. And my mom was just so discouraged and so disgusted and disappointed, but I felt that way too. And she said, you know what?

If this ever happens again, don't call us because your father and I will not come and get you. And to to, you know, when the when the big book talks about incomprehensible demoralization, I mean, I don't know if you have all ever been in jail before, but to to to go through the process of of being in jail, I mean, it was not prison but it was jail, but still, I mean, it's just degrading, you know. And I'm I was looking around because the more I sobered up in there, I'm thinking, how did I get here? You know, I mean, I knew how I got there, but I mean, it's just like, my gosh, you know. I mean, how did how did this happen?

I mean, and so when my mom said that I I was I looked at her with so much sincerity. I said, this is never gonna happen again. Don't don't worry about this. I mean, I've learned my lesson, you know, and, well, I guess the lesson I learned was I'm not gonna call them again when that happens again, you know. That's the lesson I learned at that time.

But, anyway, so in my in my I was able to always kinda get some good jobs and and and I my alcoholism took me like I said, it it it robbed me of any kind of education as far as going to college. I mean, I I mean, I always put a feather in my cap when I was in my sicker days thinking, you know, because my mom and dad said, you know, we'll pay for you to go to college. And I was like, pay for me to go to I mean, I'm not gonna waste y'all's money. I mean, I knew it was just gonna be just, you know, I would never get through it. So why even start?

So I mean, always thinking, you know, oh, look how selfless I was by even telling them, you know, oh, we're not gonna waste the money on this because I know it's just gonna be one big party. But anyway, so I I it it robbed me of my education and, but I was able to always get some good jobs and, but then I started as a result of me getting in trouble with the with the law so much I thought, you know, I I need some more allies here. So I started working in law firms and, and they were able to help me, but they they still had to charge me and stuff. I mean, it wasn't like, you know, getting getting the legal, you know, assistance for free. But anyway, but but I have to say that the last law firm I worked at, you know, I mean, my life was was pretty much in shambles.

I remember when I got this job, it almost doubled my salary from my other jobs. And, I remember walking around the block with my sister and she said, you know what? She's because I was just so excited. I was like, man, I'm gonna get this job. I I I know I've got it in the bag.

And she said, you know what? She said, if you keep drinking the way you're drinking though, you're you're not gonna be able to keep this job. And again, with with utmost sincerity, I I said, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna blow this, you know, just like my with my mom and dad. I'm this is never gonna happen again. And, you know, I got the job, and I was so grateful, and I was almost, you know, see, you know, and, got it.

And, almost a year later, I almost lost it because of my drinking. I would always get it when I would start a new job, see, I was not one of those that did geographical cure, although I did do some geographical stuff, but, I was more of those that would kinda switch around with jobs because I would get paranoid that they were gonna fire me because I wasn't coming in or I was coming in late or whatever. And so I would just kinda go to another job. And, and I like I said, they were really good jobs and these people kinda kept me employed way longer than than what I should have been employed, but then I would just go move on to someone else. And when I got this job that I had, this last job, like I said, it kinda caught up with me quicker than than I could realize.

I was I would always give 200% when I first started a job. I would always get in there and look how good I am, man, I can work these people under the table, you know. But then I would then I would start to just approve myself, but then I would start getting, going back to my old tricks again of of not coming in, you know, and said, damn, I got this terrible flu, man. I I don't know. And to see, I would call in sick, and the thing that was is sometimes I wouldn't call in because I wouldn't come to until maybe like 11 or 12 that that morning and I'm supposed to be at work at like 8:30.

And I would I would just be I mean, my mom came over a couple times because they would call. She she was, like, on my emergency contact information and that and and we didn't have cell phones and all that back then. So she would come over and and, you know, try to wake me up. And if I was passed out, there was no waking me up. I mean, it was just until I was coming to, there was no coming to.

And, I remember she would she would beat on my door and, you know, she'd say, my god. Work is calling. Where what what's going on? And, you know, I would just be mortified because, I mean, you it's hard to kind of I was always a fast thinker and I would always have an answer, but sometimes I couldn't come up with an answer because when you're so fogged up and and and feeling like crap physically, it's kinda hard to come up with those answers when you need them. And, you know, plus I'm sure I reeked like alcohol and stuff like that when I'd open the door and she would just be, you know, again, just that feel that that look of disgust and disappointment and I just, you know, I mean, I knew that what I was doing was was not right.

I mean, I knew that I mean, I had a lot of potential and here I was in my late twenties, early thirties, you know, still doing stuff that I was doing when I was 13 and 14 and just had never gotten out of that rut. And, you know, meanwhile, the other people that maybe were partying with me back in my high school, you know, a lot of these people were like, like making something of themselves, like getting married and and, you know, getting good jobs and stuff and finishing college and going on to graduate, you know, whatever. And I was still, you know, still getting loaded, you know, and that was my day. And and, you know, there there's so much dishonesty that I would tell myself because, I mean, I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous twice, you know, on 2 separate occasions when I would get locked up. And that was part of my probation was to, you know, get my paper signed and stuff like that, but I had no desire to stay sober or get sober for that matter.

I just wanted to stay out of jail. So I would comply with, you know, getting my paper signed and come to these rooms. But I hadn't I sat in the back, you know, and I was probably drinking before or after the meeting. I don't know. But I mean, I just I felt sorry for people here, you know.

Plus, my sister got sober by this point and she was trying to plant the seed as well, trying to get me to come to some meetings and stuff. And I would come to her the birthday meetings and stuff, but, I mean, this wasn't for me. And, I had I had to add to my story, you know, but, anyway, getting back to the firm that I worked at, they they, they really put up with a lot. And, I came into work one day and they, they said, you know, we need to see you in the conference room. And I was late that day, but I was not hungover.

I only had one beer the night before. And why I remember that, I don't know. But that was my last beer, and that was on July 19, 1993. And I remember when I went into the conference room, we had just been looking at some new copy machines, And this is how important I thought I was, that they wanted me to click pick the one that we were gonna have for the firm. I mean, hello.

I mean, you know, but all the partners were sitting around the table, the administrator was sitting there, and some lady I didn't know was sitting there. I was thinking she was the office lady, you know, some kind of office, you know, copy machine lady or whatever. And I was gonna make the final decision. But what happened was it was, some intervention lady, you know. And, I sat down and and, and they they said, you know, we think we think you have a drinking problem.

Well, I never drank on the job, you know, because that's what an alcoholic does and I I went one of those, you know. And, I was just looking around and I was almost I was kinda relieved in a way that it was out of the bag because it's hard to keep up a facade of, you know, trying to wear a suit every day and and high heels and stuff like that and trying to, you know, making sure your shoes match and all that stuff because sometimes they didn't. Sometimes the heels were even, you know, flat in a heel. I mean, come on. That's you know?

But, but they they you know, I was relieved, but yet I'm scared shitless because I'm thinking, you know, how how am I not supposed to do this? How how can I not do this? You know? I mean, you think I'm I'm choosing to live this way. I mean, I feel like crap, you know, 99% of the time because of of my overdoing it every time when I tell myself I'm not gonna overdo it.

And I I just don't seem to be able to get out of this rut that I kept thinking was a rut. And, so I remember, it was just such a dilemma, you know, get help or or not and they I said, well, listen, you know, I hear what y'all are saying but let me let me think about this a couple days. This is a lot for me to digest And they said, I mean, if y'all ever watched that show Intervention, they kinda push you in the corner and they you gotta kinda give them an answer, like, right away. You know, you you don't get a couple days. And so they they just said, no.

We need to know now. Either you go pack your desk up and and everything's fine and you just go on your way or we're gonna hold your job for you. We've already got everything lined up for you. You go to treatment and do do whatever. And I I just really I mean, I always say this, but it was like, okay.

That's plan a and b, but I still wanna see what is behind door number 3. What's what's my c option? You know, and that's that's so alcoholic. I mean, it's it's, you know and, you know, I thought that was the worst day of my life. I'm thinking, man, how how how am I gonna you know?

And I said, can I get some beer? If I if I go to treatment, can I get some beer on the way down? And they said, no. We're we're gonna start this deal right away. So after much dilemma and stuff like that, I decided, I'm gonna go to treatment and and with the help of my sister's husband, he it was his belly button birthday that day and and I remember calling him and because I couldn't reach anybody else in the family and and I was like, you know, they they think I have a drinking problem.

What what do you think I should do? And he's picked me up so many times from, you know, I couldn't even find my way to parking lot sometimes and he would say, you know, don't even don't even draw. I mean, gosh, please, you know. So he was like, well and he was very instrumental in that, part of my, you know, getting help was he just said, you know what? Maybe you should go.

And I I was looking for him to say, well, let me come pick you up and, you know but he said, maybe you should go. And so I remember saying, alright. I'll go. And, that proved to be the best one of the best days of my life because it it helped me to get the help that I needed, that I desperately needed, and I didn't even know I needed it. And, I I did a 30 day out inpatient treatment, and after that and I went to a wonderful place down in Statesboro.

They got me off everything, everything, and I started from scratch. They, you know, they didn't diagnose me as bipolar. They didn't diagnose me even though I was batshit crazy, they didn't diagnose me with anything but a good case of untreated alcoholism. And I'm so grateful for that because, because now I have the the the playing field had been leveled, and now I have something to work with. Then after I left there, I was scared to leave.

I didn't wanna be there when I first got there, but once it was time for me to be released and go home, then I'm like scared because I'm like, okay, everything was kinda structured for me here, but when I leave and I live by myself, what's gonna happen? I mean, what do I do? And I remember the best thing that they told me that when I left, they said, when you leave here tonight, don't wait till tomorrow because I'm a great procrastinator. I'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day.

You know, that's another national anthem of ours. They said, you know, go to a meeting tonight. Don't wait. Don't wait. And I did.

I went to a meeting that night and I I was scared. I was staying sober on fear. I was I I was it was still very fresh in my mind because, see, when I got sober, I was able to see myself as I really was for the first time. I mean, I'm talking the first time since I was 13, and I was 31. And so and it wasn't I I remember, like, day 3 or day 4 in treatment, I broke down.

I mean, I just had, like, a a mental breakdown because, I mean, I did not have anything that I could I always call it Calgon, take me away. It's it's just that feeling. I needed something to take me out of me, and I didn't have that. And and thank God I was in a lockdown place because I I don't know what I would've done. I mean, I was seeing reality, and I didn't like reality.

It it just sucked. And I felt like, you know, my insides had been just kinda turned open and everything was just on raw, you know. And but luckily, they, you know, they worked with me and and I I stayed sober. I was going to meetings. I was doing the deal.

I I mean, doing the deal like not drinking and going to meetings. And for the 1st 10 months of my sobriety, I also had gone to an outpatient treatment back to back with that inpatient treatment once I got out of there, but I was able to go back to work, all was well for a while. Then the bottom falls out. My mom got sick with some heart problems, and I remember I was just, my my nerves were just, I mean, you talk about a hamster wheel in the brain. I mean, I always equate it to silverware in a blender and you turn it on, and that's how my brain was 247.

And things were getting on my nerves. I mean, you'd I mean, I needed people to walk around eggshells around me. Work was like, you know, what what what's going on with her? I mean, you know, the family life, you know, I wasn't married or anything, but I mean, my my mom and dad were just like, you know I remember going to my dad's birthday party down at the river, and it it was like, it's supposed to be a really nice dinner down there, cookout and all this stuff, and I'm just complaining about my job. I mean, I was just complaining about everything.

Everything was getting on my nerves, traffic, sun, you know, the sun shining. The sun is not shining or it's too bright or it's too too dark or I mean, you know, and the big book talks about that, we're we're constantly discontented. And, you know, and I just, you know, and I was restless and I was very irritable. And, little did I know it was just, you know, part of my untreated alcoholism. See, what I've learned in Alcoholics Anonymous and what our big book tells us is that we have an illness that's really trifold, But I, you know, but it's it's and I was all I was doing was treating one part of my alcoholism.

I wasn't drinking, you know, and that treats the physical part. See, if I drink and I'm an alcoholic, if I take one drink and that that the big book always refers to that first drink. I used to hear people in meetings talking about that that first drink. I'm like, what's wrong with these people? I mean, what what is this first drink thing, man?

It was never the first one that got me drunk. You know, I I I was I took pride in the fact that I could drink a lot, you know, when I was young. You know, when I'm older, it's it's not not so much so pretty. You know? But, but it's that first one that triggers the allergy.

I have an abnormal reaction to alcohol once I put it in me. And, so I was treating my physical part, but I still have this mental component that was not being treated, And I didn't understand that, you know. I wanted to blow my brains out at 10 10 months sober because I thought, okay, I'm gonna come into these meetings now. See, these meetings used to be really kinda cool, you know, when I first got sober. Oh, I love the people.

They were, you know, they were just keep coming back, pat me on the back and stuff. So they were really cool meetings. But then at 10 months, I'm thinking these are these I hate these meetings. I hate these people that have a smile on their face. I hate these people that, you know, tell me to keep coming back.

What do you mean keep coming back? For what? You know? And, I mean, it was like, I'm missing something here. I'm missing the secret handshake or maybe I'm maybe I'm just so far gone.

I don't know. You know, I mean, what what is it? You know. And, you know, because I I equated my alcoholism with drinking and I'm not drinking anymore. And my life was unraveling before I I mean, you know, before my eyes.

And I I just didn't understand why. But it's because I was not treating the physical component. I mean, the, excuse me, the mental component. So I I, but the nice thing about Alcoholics Anonymous is people don't stand in my way of getting willing. And, and I was taught that from my sponsor.

You never stand in someone's way of getting willing. And, y'all just kept doing your deal and smiling and keep coming back, and and, and I kept coming back. I don't know why, but there was something here I knew. I just didn't know how to tap into it. So but they say when the student is ready, the teacher will appear and and, I remember a little red headed freckled freckled girl would come would start coming around these rooms and and I didn't like her, you know, I didn't I didn't like her much at all and she would come with her husband and she was always kinda happy and, you know, she'd share in meetings and when she would share in the meetings, so I would listen because she she she had a I I liked what she had to say, but yet it made me uncomfortable because it was the truth and I didn't really I I liked more of the, this touchy feely, oh, you know, you'll be alright type thing or this too shall pass.

And I remember one time she came up to me and she says, you know what? That's bullshit. It's not gonna pass unless you do something. And I I I mean, I didn't like someone getting in my face like that, but yet I was intrigued by her, because she was she was talking the truth. She had the cojones to come up and talk to me and and tell me the truth.

But the truth is painful sometimes. But anyway, the girl that I didn't like so much, she ended up being my sponsor. And, I I had a breakdown at work and and I I remember this is before I had got her as my sponsor, and and, that's something in the big book that I really like is because it it tells me that I don't have to really come to believe in anything except for one thing. It It says I have to come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as I've been living it. It says because when that happens, when I come to believe in that, that that's when, you know, there was nothing left for me but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools that's gonna be laid at my feet.

And that's what happened with me. I remember I I mean, like I said, I was I I'm not saying that for dramatics. I was gonna kill myself because I thought if this is all there is to staying sober is not drinking and coming to these effing meetings, then screw this. Because I can't take it another minute. And I'd I'd exploded at work, which, like I always say, I always used to save that kind of behavior for my family, how lucky they were.

But I I, you know, I I just my my emotions my emotional nature was just exploding everywhere. I could not control it, and that's something that our book talks about too, is we cannot control our emotional nature. And, because I didn't mean to be like that. I just couldn't help myself. And I remember I I, went to that meeting.

I was bound and hell bent on going out and getting drunk that night when that happened to me me at work. But somehow, I found myself at 8111. It's a club up in Dunwoody. And, that girl that I didn't like so much, I remember she was there, and I and I asked her for help. And I said, will you be my sponsor?

Can you help me? I I didn't even know. I wasn't convinced that was gonna help me. I just was convinced in the I was, you know, completely coming to believe in the hopelessness and futility of my life as I've been living it. And, she asked me if I was an alcoholic, and I was like, yeah.

And she said, are are you willing to go to any lengths to evict you over alcohol? And I said, yes, I am. I didn't know what that meant, but I better answer in the affirmative if she's gonna help me. So she said so she started giving me a series of directions to follow and she said, I wanna I I, you know, she says, you're telling me you're willing, but you know what? You're an you're an alcoholic and I, you know, I'm not gonna really, you know, believe too much of what you're gonna what you're telling me, but I'm gonna believe through your actions.

And she's taught me that action in Alcoholics Anonymous is the key word. And, so I started following these directions and I did it on a consistent basis. I didn't do them perfectly but she would remind me when I wasn't, you know, doing them perfectly and and I would I was so thin skinned, I would just take it like, you know, god, I'm a loser again, like, you know, Chris Farley. But, you know, she she just kind of kept guiding me in the in the direction that I need to be in and and, but the best thing she did was she got me to the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. She says, because I can't tell you if you're an alcoholic.

You've gotta diagnose yourself. And and that's why I learned about the the physical, physical allergy and the mental obsession. And, and that's what the mental obsession and that's why I was so crazy was because I was not treating that part and that's this stuff started making sense to me. The the book starts using words like insanity and illusion, delusion, obsession, all these things that are terms of of, you know, dealing with the mind. And, I I started diagnosing myself as an alcoholic.

And it scared me because I I remember she said get a pen or a pencil or a highlight around and start identifying your your own experience what this book has to say. And I did. I started seeing myself in that book, and it scared me because in the first part of the book, there's a lot of gloom and doom. I'm thinking, shit, man. I can I can identify with this, with this problem here, but I I don't know, I don't know?

I don't think this solution is gonna be good enough for me. She says, just, you know, just shut up and just do it. You know, just just do what I'm telling you to do. And, so once she saw that I was willing to go to Lang's, that's when she took me through these steps. And, she took me through the steps in one day, and I remember having this experience with her.

I didn't know what I was doing, and I didn't have to know what I was doing, you know. I just had to do what she told me to do. Again, you know, following directions. And my whole life, I've never been a direction follower. I've been, you know, a defiant girl.

And but see, the the gift of desperation, that's why they call it a gift, is because it it forced me into taking actions that I would not normally take. And, you know, she took these steps with me. She didn't say, okay, figure it out. Here's the book, go figure it out. She started, you know, and we did some reading and we did a lot of reading that day, but we did some reading and the book and steps are all contained in the in the in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.