North Eastern Conference of Young People in AA in Nashua, NH

Y'all see me? Yeah. Alright. Oh, yeah. Alright.

My name is Casey Reed. I'm a recovered alcoholic. Hi, Casey. And I never thought Oh, yeah. Here we go.

I never thought that I sound southern till I came up here. I have people in Texas tell me all the time, well, you don't sound like you're from the south. Oh, no. I came up here and and I was I stopped mid sentence. I was like, oh my god.

I sound like I'm from Texas. Forget it, daddy. And I came up, I saw the t shirts, the wicked soba t shirts and I was like, what the hell does that mean? Now, South, we just say fucking sober. Yeah.

Okay. Alright. So my sober date, my sobriety date is May 31st, 2003. I got sober when I was 16. And my first drink didn't do you know, I remember when I felt the magic.

It wasn't the first drink but I remember specifically when I felt the magic. But even before I felt the magic, I still drank like an idiot. I mean, I still even before I took a drink, I just had this notion it was gonna be something good. And I went to this party when I was in high school and I had a a clear diet Doctor Pepper bottle of tequila that I had stolen from my dad's liquor cabinet. And, and I remember looking at the girl next to me in the bathroom.

See, I went to the bathroom to drink, which started today and taught, like, this kind of pattern of showing up at places, going into the bathroom and drinking. Like, I never quite wrapped my head around the people that stood around the keg with the red cups, and just kinda sipped on their alcohol. Because I was drunk before I got to the party, and if I wasn't, the first question was, may I use your restroom? And then I went and took shots out of your little Dixie cups. Y'all know what Dixie cups are, right?

And, well, who knows? Yankee cups, right. And, and I just drink by myself and I looked at this girl and I said, how much of this do I need to drink to get drunk? That's all I wanna know. And, you know, that night was I mean, it it felt a little different, but I specifically remember when the magic happened and I was, about a month in.

And I was sitting in my house with my best friend at the time who was far advanced in her alcohol and chemical career than I was, which made her super cool to me. And, we were not sober at the moment. And she looked at me and she said, I have to show you something. I think you're ready. I got all excited and she walked over to the stereo and opened it up and put a CD in and slid it in and turned on, waiting for my ruka by Sublime.

And all of a sudden, I felt like my heart was was moving to the beat, and I thought, oh, my god. This is amazing. And it was the most amazing thing I'd ever experienced and that's when the magic happened because all this and she looked at me and she was like, yeah. We were kinda stoners too. And, I remember thinking that I had discovered this whole new world.

Like, she had just given me permission to enter this new world that I never knew existed, but I must have been looking for it my whole life because something righted right then that had been wrong for a very long time. And, like most alcoholics, I grew up feeling like I wasn't a part of. I'm not good enough, I'm not tall enough, I'm not skinny enough, I'm not tan enough, I'm not blonde enough, whatever well, in the south. Not tan enough, I'm not blonde enough. You know, whatever it is that you have, I'm not enough of it.

And if I was enough of it, I wouldn't feel the way I feel. And the thing is is that I never I always was in the middle of everything. I had tons of friends. I was very popular. I was popular with the popular kids, I was popular with the jocks, I was popular with the geeks, I was popular with everybody, but I still never felt good enough.

And so oh, I have this awful cough, which is just wonderful. And so, something righted right then when that magic happened and it was like I had found my niche in society. For the first time I found something that I was good enough at, that I had a personality in, that I had an individuality in it for the first time, and and it just it did things for me nothing ever did. And I remember, you know, when when Bill's story says I had arrived, that was one of the first things I think I circled in my big book. I had arrived.

Because I specifically remember I I think this only happened in my mind, but I specifically remember showing up to a party and opening the door and walking in, and I specifically remember everybody in that party turning their head, looking at me and going, KC's here. And it rippled throughout the whole house. KC's here. KC's here. KC's here.

KC's here. And everyone was so happy to see him, and he was like, yay. KC's here. And and, did that ever happen to anybody else when they went to parties? Yeah.

I swear that's how I felt. And I and not even felt, like, that's literally what I thought happened. I specifically remember I've been looking at the door and going yay when I walked in. And, to me that was case easier. So I had been drinking for about 2 months before I was introduced to what the big book refers to as pitiful incomprehensible demoralization.

Quickly became my MO. It's just I wanna get drunk and I wanna get drunk fast. And I knew nothing about alcohol at this age, and so I remember just asking my friend to get me some, and she said, well, what do you want? I said, well, whatever will get me the drunkest the quickest. She's like, I'll get you some Everclear.

Alright. So I get myself this bottle of Everclear and it's New Year's Eve. And I go to the bathroom and I start taking straight shots at Everclear and feel like I'm drinking rubbing alcohol. And when I'm good and liquored up, I come out of the bathroom. And I just I just commenced to make a complete and utter fool of myself.

And this happened every time I drank. I mean, I never had, like, the moment when I started being an idiot. I was an idiot every time I drank. Falling down, screaming, doing things that I wish I hadn't in the morning, making a complete and total fool of myself. And I remember waking up well, I got caught that night.

And I remember going home and I'm sitting at the table, and I I found something out that night that that served me well, which is if you act really angry, you appear more sober. So I just started screaming about how it wasn't mine. And this is this is BS, and I can't believe somebody put that in my bag and da da da da da da because if I just get angry enough, because if I just get angry enough, could get angry enough, could you look irrational when you're angry anyways? I was afraid if I tried to sit there, I'd be like So I just tried to make lots of big movements and then storm off to my room. And, I hated the way it felt to be drunk a lot.

I hated the way the room spun. I hated the way I just when I it was like when I was sober, I just wanted to get drunk, and when I was drunk, I just wanted to sober up. And And I remember taking lots of showers because for some reason, I thought that a shower would sober me up. So I remember being in the shower drunk at 3 AM, and you just start crying for no reason. It's just weird.

And so, I remember waking up in the morning and and when I read that part of the big book that said pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization, I knew exactly what it meant. The big book speaks my language because the only way to describe that is when you wake up the morning after and all you can think is this, there's not even any words for it. You just you put your head in your hands and you go, And you just there's no words for it. You put your head in your hands and you think, and I remember the feeling of gratitude I felt that it was Christmas break and I wouldn't have to face anybody for at least a week. So I kept drinking.

I mean, that was a great experience, so I kept drinking. I got involved in a lot of outside issues, if you catch my drift. Badly and and hardcore and they brought me to my knees and stuff. I don't talk about them from the podium, but they are part of my story, so I just mentioned them. I went to an all girls private Catholic school in Dallas, Texas.

I can tell you why girls in plaid skirts and bows like people in all black. Yeah. So this this school and I just became angry. Like I I just became so angry at everything. I hated everything.

And so, I'm drinking and I drink a lot, and and this thing happens when I drink, which is I can't seem to get drunk enough. No matter how much I drink, I can't seem to get drunk enough. And I drink and I drink and I drink and I tell myself the next drink and I'll be drunk enough. The next drink and I'll be drunk enough, and I drink that one, and then I say the next drink and I'll be drunk enough. And I do that till I black out.

And, so that's how I drink, and it starts to cause all these problems. And I eventually end up getting kicked out of this private school because I threatened to burn it down. Well, actually, I was suspended pending a psychiatric review for something else that is not, which is a great story, but I can't tell it from up here. And, I was so mad about that, that I walked back to religion class and wrote, I hope Ursuline burns to the ground up on the blackboard. And apparently that's a threat these days.

So, they called me on my suspension and said, you can just not come back, that'd be great. So I, I have been to Catholic school all my life, and I thought I was a badass personally. I suspected I was brilliant and I suspected that I was probably a badass. And, so I went to public school. And, I don't know how public school is up here, but there's a little thing we call DISD in Dallas.

It's probably the worst school system you've ever seen in your life. And I remember walking in there and having the most complete culture shock of my life. And it was like putting jet packs on the back of the progression of my disease. Because all of a sudden I realized, hey, nobody notices when you're not in school here. And so things progressively get worse to the to this point where I start skipping school to go get hammered.

And and it you know, if you skip too much school, you're truant. And if you're truant, your parents find out, and then the shit hits the fan. And I just couldn't have that happen, because if if if it hit the fan, they were gonna stop my drinking, and I couldn't let that happen. So I I I'm freaking out every day about I'm like, I've got I'm balancing, like, I can't I can't do my homework, but I have balanced how many absences I have, how many fake notes from the doctor I can steal, and exactly how many absences I have left. So I'm doing that.

And, I would wake up every day and say, okay, I have to go to school today. I have to go to all my classes today, because if I don't, I'm going to be truant, my mom's going to find out, she's she's gonna send me away, it's not gonna be good. I I have to go to all my classes today, and I couldn't make it. I could not make it through 8 hours of school without leaving. And I didn't have a car, because I was too drunk to ever get a license.

So, I had a friend that had a car, and I would say every day, I'm not gonna leave school today. And and I would I would plan out trips. And see, I thought I was nuts, because I didn't realize that anything to do with drinking. I just thought that for some reason, I couldn't control my physical behavior. I was like, I don't know why I can't stay in school.

So, I would plan. I knew the way she took from class to class, and I would purposefully take a different route. Because I knew if I ran into her, if I saw her, if she even if the thought even entered my mind that I should leave school and get hammered right now, I was going. Whether I wanted to or not. And so I would see her, and and I would be like, oh, man.

So we'd walk together, and I'd say, you know, we really gotta stop skipping school. And she'd say, yeah, I know we really gotta stop skipping school. And I'd be like, I'm gonna get in trouble. Yeah. I'm gonna get in trouble.

And this conversation would continue as we hit the crash bar to go outside and get in the car. Because it was I mean, it was just that nuts. And so and I had the same problem with sneaking out of my house at night. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't stay in my house. Because the moment and I had this I was such a MacGyver, man.

I had like I I didn't want the phone to ring, so I would, like, go back to the computer room and, like, mess with the wires in the back of the computer and plug a phone line that I had hidden in the part of the house in the back of the the Internet line. So and then I would hold a pillow over it. So when it would ring, I could answer it. And, people will be like, let's go. Let's Let's go out tonight.

And then the same conversation, I can't really okay. And, I would for a while, I just walked out the front door, then I walked out the back door, then I started using the windows and whatnot. And, every night I would say, I can't do this again tonight. I can't do this. And every night I would.

And so, came time when, I got caught one night. Well, I went out and and, I got caught. And then I have all these consequences, and I was always a fan at 16 of thinking that, the consequences were the reason I was so miserable. Right? If I could just quit sneaking out and quit getting caught, I wouldn't be so miserable.

If they would just get off my back, I wouldn't be so miserable. So I come home, and I'm caught or whatever. So I'm like, okay now I really can't sneak out. And they ask me, how are you getting out of the house? I mean, how are you getting out of the house?

And like a good alcoholic, I lie. And here's the thing, looking back, this is how I knew when it came time that I realized I lost control. Because at this point, I'm like, you know, the way I get out of my house is I I crawl out the window, I walk down the street, a friend picks me up, we go get hammered. Now when when I'm asked how this is happening and what's going on, I said, well, I walk out the back door, walk down the alley, just kinda walk around the neighborhood for a while. I mean, that's my story.

Right? Right? So we probably get an alarm system on our house to keep me in, and but they don't put one on the windows. So I start going out the windows, whatever, that's why I didn't tell them I went out the windows. And so I keep doing this, and and it got to the point where I'm thinking in my head, I don't wanna do this.

I don't want to do this. I really don't want to do this. And I'm thinking this as I'm scaling down the walls of my house, As I'm getting in the car, as I'm sitting in a rave, as some weird dude is giving me a back massage. I'm like, I don't wanna be here. I don't want you to touch me.

I wanna go home. It's cold. I hate raves. We are in the middle of a of a field in Texas, and I want to go home. But I would do it.

I mean it was like a prisoner walking to the execution booth. You know what I mean? Just resigned to the fact it was gonna happen. And so, I had this, I got really heavily involved in some outside issues that I told myself was only gonna be a spring break thing. And then spring break turned into 3 months, 3 weeks.

And, I had this thought, you know what? I'm a leave my house house tonight. Just this once. Right? Just this once.

I won't do it after this, it'll be fine. So I go and in the interim, the cops get involved and I run and I hide and Have you ever tried to Have you ever lay I was laying down on some dead leaves and a bush. And I remember trying not to breathe because I felt like my heartbeat was causing the leaves to crinkle. My heart's moving, and I'm like, stop my heart. Stop my heart.

Stop my heart. So I don't get caught by the police and they send my friends home, but the problem was the house I was hiding in the backyard of was a friend of mine's. Your grandmother catches me and I cry, like I always cry, because I'm a girl and I just start the waterworks and say, please, I've never done anything like this before. It's the whole it's the same thing every time. I've never done anything like this before, it's so and so, and I just, and so, she's like, okay, well, I don't know if I'm gonna tell your parents or not.

So I go home that night. And see, I've already been told if this happens one more time, your life is over. And, I'll never forget this. My mom walks in on me and I was in the bathroom and I was crying on the floor. She said, what's wrong?

And I don't, you know, sometimes you say some things and you look back and you're like, why did I say that? But it's almost like it's almost like God allowed you to speak what was in your heart even though you don't have the capacity to. It's it's kinda like talking about saying I need help and then being like wait wait wait, I don't know why I just said that. Take back. Never mind.

She walks in and she's like, what's wrong? And I start crying, I tell her, I said, I'll I snuck out last night. And I said to her, you know, I know I don't like the consequences of my actions, but it's like, I forget how bad it sucks to suffer the consequences when I go to make the decision to do the action. And my mom eyes got real big as she backed up. And it was that moment she occurred to her, there was like an addiction problem, because I think they just thought I was sneaking out of the house and hanging out.

And I'll never forget, this was the turning point, because I looked at her and I said, I think we need to put an alarm on the windows. Which is funny, but when you think about it, that's the moment when I when I've said to myself, I can't stop. I can't stop doing what I'm doing. And I keep telling myself I have control over, and I can stop when I want, and, you know, I'll curve it before it gets me in real bad trouble. And I flat out told her, I was like, I'm not gonna be able to stay inside the house, you're gonna have to put locks on the windows.

And so they do that, and, everything's fine, and until I get drug tested. And then everything is not fine. That's when I go into my first rehab, and it was a 7 day detox program, and I was nuts. Oh my goodness, I was crazy. Like I remember sitting in here and and, I remember specifically, you know how they do body checks, like when you go into a psych ward?

They have to look at like every inch of your body or whatever looking for scars and stuff. And so, I remember standing there and having this moment, and it's like you're just standing there. There's nothing but I used to wear like all this hemp jewelry. And so I'm standing there, and this woman's looking at me, and I've never felt so humiliated in my life. And she's looking at the bruises on my body, and she's looking at how I don't have enough weight on me, and she's looking at the scars on my wrist, and she's looking at me.

Because I had recently lost all my hair off in a moment of thinking that I was gonna shed some emotional baggage by cutting my hair. Or no. That wasn't till later, but I did do that. And I remember just having this moment, and I just started crying. And, so I go in this place, like, at one point we were we were only allowed to use pencils, like, these big charcoal pencils.

And, this one this one girl was complaining about how like, she can't turn in her homework if she doesn't do it in pen. She just she can't. And then the and the the big old nurse is like, well honey, you can't have a pen. And, I don't know why, but I just snapped. And I looked at this nurse and I was like, that's not how you treat sick people.

And I just started screaming and crying and freaking out. And they were like, go to the bathroom and clean yourself up. So I went to the bathroom and I could not something snapped and I could not stop crying. And so then they sent me to the quiet room, And I went and laid on that little, like, cot, well, the the one room with the window and the camera, and and I just cried and shook. And so I get out of there and, I remember having this moment.

I forget if it was after this or before this. See, I didn't believe in God. I went to Catholic school for 11 years and then got kicked out. So I had a big problem with any sort of idea of God because the way I looked at it is, God's good at 2 shoes and he wants to give me a bunch of arbitrary rules so I don't ever have fun. So, I'm just not gonna believe in God, because that's stupid.

And, that's stupid. And And I remember having this night when something happened and I was laying on my floor and I had another one of those breaks, you know, you just break, start sobbing. And I was laying on my floor, and I just remember being in so much immense emotional pain, and, I was crying and laying on in like, in the back corner of my office, and of the office and the fetal position. I remember saying I specifically remember saying, God, I don't think you exist, but you've gotta help me. And so, can't stay sober, not even for a day, not even for 8 hours to go to school.

And things are just falling apart around me. My body's falling apart, things are falling apart. And, April 10, 2003, I woke up in the morning and it was supposed to be my first day back to school. And I get a phone call at 6 AM, and it's my boyfriend at the time. And, this was, you know, the one.

Right? You always find the one when you're sick. He says, Casey, I'm on an airplane, And I'm going to Utah and I don't know when I'm coming back. Some men in handcuffs woke me up this morning and told me I was going away. And I lost it.

My life is over at that point because that was that relationship was the only thing keeping me sane at that moment. Because I'd already been informed that I could I had I had to get sober. I mean, I'd been put in rehab. I'm out. I have to go to 90 meetings in 90 days.

And now I don't have a boyfriend. And, there were multiple times during that day I would be walking to school and I'd just fall. Like I would just fall on the ground and start sobbing. And so I go to my 1st AA meeting and I walk in, and I felt like I had walked into a scene from the from fight club, where he goes to all those, like, support meetings. It's dank.

The walls are yellow. There's old men there. And I sit down and I just started bawling. Because I had this whole plan for my life worked out. You don't understand.

I thought everything was fine. As soon as I get old enough and people get off my back, it'll get better. I'll move to California, I'll open up a head shop, I'll live on the beach, and life will be great. And at that moment, and I felt like looking at my life was like looking down a long hallway, you know. I kinda had a plan, and I was okay with that plan, and that plan kept me sane.

And sitting in that AA meeting, having to wrap my head around the fact of of waking up and having to be sober tomorrow, I felt like all of a sudden that hallway became a brick wall 3 inches from my face. That's the only way I know how to describe it. Because I I remember thinking you don't understand that I can't do this. And that's all I could say. I couldn't explain anything else that I felt inside of me except no, you don't understand that I can't do this.

I can't wrap my head around this. I can't do this. And that's a hard place to be. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? That just I can't no.

You don't understand that I can't do this, but at the same time, you have to do this. And, this guy pulled me out, this guy that I went to school with pulled me out and he took me out in the hallway because I was crying and he said, you know, he just kind of looked at me and I go, what am I supposed to do when I'm sober? He looked at me, bless his heart, and said, I mean it's, it's kind of boring. We played video games and I just like, oh, like I just lost it. So, I got sober, and, I had a new plan.

New plan. I'm gonna stay sober till I get out of college. I'm a sophomore at this time. And then I'll and I can do whatever I want. Fine.

I'll stay sober for the next two and a half years, and I'll do whatever I want. Lasted a month. And see what happened was, when I was in treatment, I honestly didn't think that my drinking had anything to do with how much my life sucked. And when I was in treatment, they cleared my head enough for me to be able to piece together some things. Some things.

And, I pieced together, I can't stay in my house at night. And then they are, well what do you do when you go out? Get hammered. And I was like, oh. So maybe it's not that I can't not sneak out, maybe it's I can't not get hammered.

You know, same thing with leaving school, and same thing with, wow, every time my friends pick me up, and we don't get hammered, I get pissed. Because that was just how, that's just what happened. I mean, I just assumed that's what we were going to do. And so I made some connections and I thought, okay. Well here's what I'm gonna do, since I don't want my life to suck, and I've tried I've made a logical flow chart of when I do this, this happens, and I don't like it, and so I'm not gonna do this.

And, I'm like, alright. You know what? I'm not gonna drink. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna sneak out.

I'm not gonna skip school, and I'm not I'm not gonna lie about where I am. Good plan. Cause then, if I stop doing those things, I won't have consequences and life will get better. Right? I mean that makes perfect logical I do that.

And the thing is, is that I thought when you get sober things were supposed to get better. Things got worse. A lot worse. I've never been so miserable in my entire life as going to a meeting every day and wanting to do nothing but drink. And, I have no clue what any of these people are saying have has anything to do with me and they told me get a sponsor.

And I was like I just kinda was like, alright. And I remember I was sitting with these 2 ladies and I was like, hey, well, what are y'all be my sponsor? And they go, oh, well let us give you our number. So I never called them, so I never cared anyways. And I was just miserable.

That was the most miserable month of my life, is that month at 16 when I was sober. And so, I thought, well screw this. If this is sobriety, I'm getting drunk. And so, I lasted a month and, then it was and then I had a really good reason though. I had a really good reason, for breaking my month of sobriety.

And that was, it was my best friend's birthday. And you just needed to celebrate on your best friend's birthday. And so, we got a bottle of wine and I went to this hotel room and I had every intention of going home on time and not lying about where I was. And and I started to drink. It's like all the other resolutions just go out the window.

Because before I know it, that that feeling starts to hit me, and all I can think is, this is good. I need to amplify this by about a1000. And so, I'm drinking and I'm drinking, and all of a sudden, time comes and goes when I'm supposed to leave. And my ride's like, you ready to go? And I'm like, uh-uh.

See you. I will find a ride home. So they leave. And, I call my mom and I'm I'm sitting on the phone with her and I and it's raining real hard. And I'm like, listen mom, I'm on my way home, but there's this huge storm and I really wanna be safe.

And she's like, where are you? And I'm like, I'm pulled over at a Applebee's. And I look across the street. And we're we'll come home as soon as it lets up. Well, okay, honey.

You just be careful. And I remember sitting on the phone, looking out at the storm, and I had this thought. And it was a casual thought. And the thought was, didn't I say I wasn't gonna do this anymore? Didn't I say I was done with this?

And I remember just being amazed for a moment at the fact that here I was again so quickly, that there was no premeditation, there was no I had. So I proceeded to get drunk and then I just started to get real drunk all the time. And, and then a month, 2 months after that, so I got drunk for a month and then I got sent to my 2nd rehab. Here's the thing about my 2nd rehab, I knew that if I got caught again, I was going to like residential long term. Right?

Anybody's parents ever threaten that? I am sending you away if you get caught again. So I do it again anyways, and, I get caught. And I remember my parents were divorced, and you know you're in deep when you walk into your living room and both your parents are standing in there. I walk in and I'm like, back away slowly.

And my mom's crying. She's like, you're going to morning store, which is like the name of this podunk little trailer in Oklahoma where they sent me in. My mom lied and said I'd be there 30 days. I was there 18 and a half months. Yeah.

And I learned a lot of things here and here is the thing, I've learned a lot of stuff in treatment. I learned a lot of stuff about my inner child and my ego states and, we had AA, but we had a lot of discussion meetings, where we just kinda talked about what treatment we were working on. And, I mean, I could I could seriously feel 3 hours talking about 18 months in treatment, but I kinda feel like doctor Bob, where he has that one sense where he's like, I will not relate to you, all of my asylum experiences. So, I was in rehab for 18 and a half months, we'll leave it at that. I went in hating my life, and and you know that feeling, I woke up every morning and as my lids parted, reality just rushed in and I had this sinking feeling, oh my God, this isn't a dream.

And I had this like point 1 thousandth of a second every morning of pure bliss before reality rushed in and just ruined it all. And so, needless to say, I start making consequence lists and I start doing treatment and I start going through packet steps, which is the steps with packets, and, I can't figure out why at 14 months I wanna drink. I've made, I've done so many step 1 packets, if you showed me one, I've probably done it. And I cannot not want to drink. And I can't figure out why.

And I start to get worried at 14 and a half months. I haven't had a drink in 14 months and I'm thinking, crap. If I don't figure out because at this point, I kinda wanna be sober. You know, like, I I I've seen that I can't keep doing what I'm doing, if I ever wanna be happy. Right?

I may be 16, but I'm not going nowhere, and I'm going nowhere fast. And I never woke up and said, I'd like to be a 40 year old crackhead one day. But I finally made the connection that I was going to be 1, whether I wanted to or not, I was under the delusion, one day I was gonna wake up and just not wanna drink anymore. And I was just waiting around for that day. I thought, maybe it would be when I went off to college, maybe it would be when I graduated from college, but at some point, I would wake up and grow up.

And And I would have a husband, and I would have a dog, and 2.3 kids, and I would have a picket fence, and that was the what I wanted, but, well no, I wanted to head jump on the beach, let's be honest. But at some point, I wanted to have some normal semblance of a life. Right? And so, I've realized my life ain't going that way, and I've made so many consequence lists that I could recite them in my sleep, and I still wanna drink. And I start getting real worried thinking, if I don't start waking up wanting to not drink or not wanting to drink, I don't think I'm gonna stay sober.

And they told me lots of things like, play the tape through and, give yourself a mirror affirmation and all these kind of things and I can't figure out why. I just, it's like, they used to the reality of your disease has not sunk in. Well hell no it isn't. I wish it would. And I and I just want to change at this point.

We had this prayer that someone gave me and I'm all I remember is the first line. It said, dear Lord, more than anything in the world, I just don't want to be sick anymore. And I would say that every day, and I just I started to realize I've gotten they kept telling me the solution was God, and I've got to have this fundamental change. I've got every cell in my body has to molecularly change for me to have a chance to wake up in the morning and not want to drink. And it ain't happening, and I'm going all around and trying to figure out how to happen and it ain't happening.

And so, it eventually happens. I have this change and I leave wanting to be sober but here's the thing, I leave wanting to be sober, terrified. Got this fear in my heart that goes, I'm going to do it again. Or it's not really me, it's, you're going to do it again, aren't you? Yeah, you are.

You're going to treat this like you treat everything in your life. I felt like I was on the 1st week of school. 1st week of school in the assembly where you're like, you're all punctured, like I'm gonna get straight A's this year. Right? By the 2nd week you're like, B's.

3rd week, C's. 4th week you're like, I'm gonna pass. You know, good thing the teachers like me. Maybe I need to get real nice to somebody in the registration office. And so, I I just knew I was gonna do sobriety the same way.

My motivation for it would fizzle, because that's how I do everything. So I get out and here's the thing, I went to meetings, I went to a lot of discussion meetings and I talked. I like to talk. And I thought I knew what I was talking about. And here's the thing, we had these sheets where you had to do stuff every day, you gotta read, you gotta do this.

And we had to read a 100 pages, I mean, sorry, 10 pages of the big book every day. And I was in treatment for 18 and a half months, which works out to 5,200 pages of the big book that I had read by the time I graduated from this treatment center. I could quote it, I could tell it to you frontwards, backwards, I could tell you what was italicized, I could tell you the page number and the punctuation at the end of that sentence, mutzing around and I'm going to meetings and I get myself a boyfriend, because that's a good idea. And, I get a sponsor and, like, we do a step 1 packet, and a month later we do a step 2 packet. And at the same time, I had a friend that followed a guy over to this meeting called, Primary Purpose.

Yeah. And I hated them. Hated them. Because they said stuff like, there is one way to work the program, and they would do big book studies, and they would go through the big book line by line, and they would go through how to do a 10 step, and I'd be like, you'd think to yourself, I don't really do that. But I would tell people I've done the steps, I worked the program, and well, I don't really do that.

And the thing is, is that I had all these I had I remember sitting in the counselor's office crying when I was out and saying, I don't think I'll ever get peace I had when I was in treatment. Because I don't know about you, but I was happy in treatment for a long time. I do well in institutions. And the thing is is that, they gave me all these tools to deal with the things that drove me nuts. The the problem is when I got out in the real world, those tools are stupid.

Like, if I was afraid that people were judging me in treatment, I could raise my hand at any point in the day and go, are y'all judging me? And all 15 smiling faces would go, no Casey, we're not judging you. Awesome. If I had an overflow of fear, no ma or or you know, emotional whatever, no matter where I was, I could stop and say, I need to share. And I would share, and I would get it out and I would feel some relief.

If I was angry, I mean everything. I had a tool for everything, but the thing is, you can't exactly stop in the middle of your senior year in school and go, are y'all judging me? So instead, the thought stays in my head and rattles around and makes me sick, because I don't know what to do with it. And I'm convinced everything is about me in a bad way. Sometimes in a good way.

And so, I start going to primary purpose and I don't like anything they say. And I think things like, well, you know what? My program works just fine for me. And, there is many ways to work the program as there are people in it. All these real cool things I've heard.

And I think, you know what? You have no right to tell me how to work my program, my program works fine. And then I go home and cry. Because my program doesn't work fine. Because my life is starting to suck again, and I'm starting to lose the motivation, and I was under the impression that you went to meetings to hear somebody say something inspirational that would motivate you and inspire you to not do something stupid until you went to the next meeting.

And then hopefully, some old fart would say something inspirational in that meeting, and you could hang on to the next one. And so, I don't know why I kept coming back to primary purpose. It's like I would leave every night pissed, and I would come back for the next meeting. And the more I went to primary purpose, the more I set in my other meetings and went, these people are sick. People talking about their bosses, and their cats peeing on their carpet, and their mother-in-law coming in for the holidays.

So at some point, I fired the sponsor I have and I get a new sponsor. Like, alright, cool. She tells me to, well, I go and I ask her to be my sponsor, she's like, yeah. Read from the preface to page 44 and call me when you're done. And for some reason, when I come out of treatment, when I came out of treatment, I was like, you know how you have ranks in treatment?

So I still had all this ego from treatment like, I'm a phase 3 senior client, I will have this reading done tomorrow. And so, I get it done and I call her the next day, and she's like, awesome. Come in, we'll talk. So she starts talking with me. If you have a big book, and it's with you, let's go to the doctor's opinion, because she starts talking to me about what step one means.