The London Primary Purpose conference in London, UK

Thanks, Alan. My name's Yvonne, and I am an alcoholic. Can everybody hear me? No. Oh.

Hi. My name's Yvonne, and I'm an alcoholic. Is that better? Right. I'm really, really grateful to be here, and it's a real privilege to sit up here and be asked to speak.

And I really would like to thank the committee for asking me. I am mean, selfish, and egotistical by nature. I know that because I have no problem sitting up here. I'm quite comfortable. A few years ago, I was asked to do a similar thing at the Southern Convention when it was at Canva Sands.

My sponsor put my name down for it and phoned me up and told me I was doing it and what day I was to be there. So I duly showed up and there were 4 of us on the top table, and there was a man also sharing at the same time, and he was extremely nervous and very, you know, physically very nervous. He shook and he was sweating. And we sat in the little room before go out on the stage and he was sharing with me how he felt. And all I could think of and I'd looked out on the stage.

All I could think of was that I wore an orange top and the curtains were red and I clashed with the curtains. So that is the, you know, that is the ego and the self centeredness. It serves me well on on times like this because as I say, you know, I don't suffer from that that fear and nervousness. I'm we were there there was discussion yesterday about types of alcoholic, and, you know, the type of alcoholic who wants to climb to the top of the heap and the type who wants to bury themselves underneath. And I spent 35 years trying to be on the top of the heap that I've created, you know, and I don't want either today.

I don't I don't have a need or a want or a desire. It's not God's will for me to be either on the top or either on the bottom, you know. God does not make too hard hard terms with those who seek him. I came to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, almost 12 years ago now. I was brought along by a very lovely lady who my husband had, made contact through with the telephone office because he had a real desire for me to stop drinking.

So being the compliant person that I could be at times and to get the the the heat off of me, I came along to I had no desire to stop drinking whatsoever. I came along to an AA meeting, and this lovely lady told me that I was helping keep her sober. Well, I love to help people. I'm a compulsive savior. So I thought, well, I better keep coming to these meetings because I'm obviously I mean, she I think she was 6 or 7 years sober at the time.

I better come to the meetings because I'm really helping her. And I came to meetings and I identified with people's drinking. I remember a number of years ago in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous with good recovery and a good spiritual life as part of my daily living, thinking that I didn't need to talk about my drinking. I only needed to talk about my recovery and my spiritual life, my relationship with God. And my sponsor very lovingly pointed out to me that that, you know, the common bond which which binds us together is is, you know, it's really step 1.

That powerlessness over alcohol and that unmanageability, that mental obsession of the mind and that physical allergy when I put alcohol in into my system. If you don't identify with anything else I say today, if you are an alcoholic, you will you will identify with that. You know, I found myself drunk when I did not want to be drunk, drinking when I had no intention of drinking at all, and then all the things that went with it, stealing money to buy drink that I didn't want. The love affair ended for me very quickly at the end of my drinking. But I've had 19 years of it wasn't a honeymoon.

At the time, I would have said it was. I've had 19 years of, functioning alcoholism and I functioned really well. And that lady who I was helping keeps over, used to say to me, Yvonne, the shop window looks really nice, but what's going on in the stock room? And I knew for the first time that someone had seen through because I I put on good front, you know, facade and show. No problem at all.

The actor on the stage, that is me to a tee. And I came to meetings, you know, suit up and show up, and I did that. I didn't say anything, but she saw she saw she was an alcoholic like me and she she knew what was going on, but I didn't. You know, that was the thing. She saw in me.

Well, I hadn't even got the perception or or the, intelligence, I suppose, and I did think I was quite intelligent. I I had no awareness, no self awareness at all. I truly thought, my philosophy on life was that I would do anything for anybody. That was that was my catchphrase. If you were if I if I was asked to describe me in one phrase, that would be the phrase I would have used.

And there was a real big element of truth in that that I would do anything for anybody if you were my friend. I mean, I I've had loads of friends over the years. I've never sustained friendships, but I've made loads of them and they lasted and they were very intense and they were very, you know, full on full on friendships and and I mean, you know, relationships with with men. I could do a whole other chair on that one as well, but it was everything was was very, you know, I met people and and I never grew to know people. I never took time to develop relationships.

It was it was always a 100% right from the word go, and it ended in tears because I often met and was attracted to people who were similar or just like me, and eventually, we could I suppose we burnt each other out. And, I remember when I met the the man I eventually married and, he, we've been dating for a while and I think maybe we're getting engaged. And he said that he was still friends with his very, very first girlfriend he's had when he was 16, and he was actually godfather to her first child. And I was horrified. I thought, god, that is really sick.

That is just really sick behavior, you know, there's something wrong with that. Because with me, if I'd be, you know, you didn't darken my door again nor are yours. If we've had a a friendship relationship, whatever type, whether it was with, you know, with another woman, whether it was with a man, that it the line was firmly drawn underneath it and and, that part of my life and your life was was ended. But I I truly thought because I am so egotistical that everybody else lived their life in a similar fashion to mine. And I've never ever there's one of the wonderful philosophers that actually said that the unexamined life is not a life worth living, and I'd never ever ever examined my life.

I'd never stood still. I was a very active active alcoholic. I was hyperactive. I never stood still for long enough to look back at an hour ago, let alone to look back at yesterday or or a year ago or 5 years ago. I was forging forward and ahead all the time.

So I came to the meetings with this lady, stayed around for 3 months, and did so identify with the drinking. Women's drinking stories, I really did. I had no problem with identifying with. And then people would talk about this stuff and they left they called it recovery and I haven't got a clue what it was. And it seemed to me, and this is the perception of the mind of this alcoholic, that the drinking story stories were kind of semi funny, semi tragic, semi whatever and I could relate and then you got sober and then it got really hard and life was very difficult and and this there's no reflection at all on the meetings I went to.

This is solely the perception of the mind of of this alcoholic and and what I saw and what I chose to see. So I stopped coming, and picked a drink up. Intentionally, I did I wasn't suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to pick a drink up. I was bored with AA, and I didn't think because I've come for 3 months and I hadn't had in all that 3 months, a a kind of knowledgeable craving for a drink. I was hearing people talk about craving a drink, and I wasn't craving a drink.

I thought that means I'm not an alcoholic, so it's alright to drink. So I started to drink again, and and there in began a a a very rapid, and I thank god for it, you know, a very swift decline, into the terrible early stages actually of chronic alcoholism. I was very, very sick very, very quickly. And, God's, you know, by God's grace and everything I say today is really by God's grace. God's grace, I was given a second chance.

I was hospitalized. And what happened for me was I came to in a hospital directly as a result of my drinking. And as my eyes opened the following morning, I saw this had to be changed. I think Bill says that in his story. That that's not actually his last dream, but he's, you know, I saw this had to be changed.

I I knew that there was something wrong, and I couldn't be, you know, that alcoholic tornado and bluster my way out of the hospital and bluster my way back into the family and pretend that everything was okay and it would all be alright again. I just knew I was defeated and deflated. That huge ego, which, you know, is still is still there in varying sizes, had a hole punctured in it. And, what happened for me was I was, told that I wasn't well in the hospital and I needed to speak to a psychiatric nurse. And for what happened when I knew I was going to see this person, a little voice came on in my head and it said, Yvonne, be honest.

Don't think my head had ever said that. I'm not sure. In fact, I know it hadn't. I mean, it just wasn't part of my philosophy of life being honest. So I sat down opposite this man, and I was as rigorously honest with him as I could be, and he told me I was very sick and I needed to go away somewhere.

So that's what honesty does for you. But I went away and I I was put in a in a safe place for a month, and I went in to the to this place on a on a bank holiday weekend. I was the only patient in there. There was nobody else there, apart from the staff. Everybody was well enough to be allowed home.

So what I had was something I hadn't made the use of for years and years. I had the gift of time. There were no there was no children, no husband, no drink, no anything, nothing to to do. I'm a, you know, a real doer. And what also happened with somebody and this, you know, the the kindness of of fellow Somebody took time out from their bank holiday weekend and they drove to the hospital and they brought me in a big book.

Now I bought a big book, but I've never read it. I'd I'd had that's a lie. I had read it as far as the the inscription on the tomb in Winchester Cathedral, and I thought, what a load of old swaddle, and I threw the book into the back of the wardrobe. But, somebody brought me a copy of the big book and told me that this was a program. They weren't saying, do you want to do the steps?

And they weren't saying, are you ready or anything? I mean, I was sitting in a in a psychiatric hospital, so I suppose it was pretty obvious that, you know, step 1 had kicked in. And they said to me, you know, Yvonne, this is a program of learning to walk with God. And if you want to walk with God, you've got to talk to God. And this the the problem you you've got is in the pages of that book and so is the solution.

And I don't know why, you know, I've never been teachable with anything. I was one of those who tried to tell me something and I said, I know. I cut you off. I told you, oh, yes. Sure.

Sure. Sure. And I didn't even know what you were talking about. You know, I had to know everything because it was the only way I felt secure, I suppose. And, this person left and I was left with a big book and I read the doctor's opinion and the doctor's opinion just told me what was wrong.

It identified my problem. Why when I started drinking with the short, absolute, heartfelt, steadfast intention of stopping after the 3rd or the 4th, I was absolutely powerless to do so. I went on to read Bill's story and his encounter with who I now know to be Eddie Thatcher, of, you know, coming to him and saying that you, you know, you basically, you've gotta get God. I mean, Eddie said you've got religion, but, it it was about having a relationship with God. And I had been an absolute you know, I was an ardent atheist.

I wasn't an agnostic. I wasn't a skeptic. I was a complete atheist. I I had no belief. The the one belief I'd had all my life was I really, really, really believed in me.

Truly believed in me. I believed in in my abilities. I believed, you know, ego ego. Bill says it so well. I, who thought so well of of my abilities, of my capacity to cement obstacles, that's me by nature.

You know, I think I can do that. I can do this. I can do I can do everything. There's nothing I can't do. And my life in many areas bore that out.

You know, I if I wanted something and it it was usually by dishonor it wasn't by fair means and hard work. It was usually by scheming and manipulating, dishonesty and plotting and scheming and planning. I got what I wanted. And the reality of that for me for 35 years, it would satisfy me for a while, and that could be anything. I'm not just talking about drinks and substances.

I'm talking about, you know, men, cars, houses. You know what? I knew how to feed people the lines to get the results that I wanted. I was very, very manipulative. There was, you know, something that was read out in, in, that description of of the of the word selfish.

And it says that, you know, that pleasure pleasure seeking. And I just sought my own pleasure. I thought if I enjoy it, it must be good. If it's good, it must be fun. And if it's fun, I just want more of it.

And that was the, you know, the the that's the philosophy probably of I've got adolescents in my family, and that's the philosophy that perhaps most adolescents have. The adults actually tend to grow out of that, and I hadn't. I was 35, and that was still my belief. So God just the word God, as it says in the book, I bristled with antagonism. In those early meetings when I'd heard the word God, I had a real physical reaction and rejection of it.

And I wouldn't, you know, honestly, open mindedness, and willingness. Know, that point, you know, the the person went off. He bought me the big book, and I I've got as far as as Bill being told, you know, you've you've got to get god, really, and and it can be a god as you understand him. And, I asked if I could go for a walk, and I went for a walk and I had no problems. My head chattered, you know, there was quite a bit of talk here at the top table.

So that's, the chatter in the head. Mine had a chattered for as long as I can remember. There were always there were conversations in there. There were books I was gonna write. There were letters I was gonna write.

I mean, I never did any of those things, but, you know, it was full of of vain wanderings and imaginations of of different things I was gonna do. And, you know, those those wonderful one line revenge sentences I was gonna say to the people who'd harmed me along the way. And I'm such a coward. I never said any of them, but I got real kind of ego boost and real kind of smug self satisfaction from playing the scene out in my head. I lived in my head.

I absolutely lived in it. And, I went for a walk and I said the first not the first pair I'd said. My childhood had been through a through a particular religious denomination and I was taught prayers and how to pray. And as a very small child, although as I've said, you know, I was an atheist, I I did have that childlike faith that there was something bigger than me. But I I threw the baby out with the bathwater at a very young age.

So I went for a walk and I said the first prayer that I'd ever said with meaning, and all I said and the first words, and they're the most important words I can say today. They're the most important words I start anything with, and it is god. And that's all I said. I went along and I said, god, I'm here. I mean, I didn't get on my knees.

I didn't I I didn't do any of that. And all I knew, and I cannot put it into words that will convey it, I knew I was heard and I knew somebody was listening to me. And I did feel a sense of calm, and I went back to my room. And I phoned the the lady up that I was helping keep sober by going to the meetings. I phoned her up and asked us to be my sponsor.

I wasn't even sure what a sponsor was or what they did, but I thought I knew I kind of I need a sponsor, and she agreed. And I left the place that I was in after a couple of weeks. And what happened for me, and I know this is about step, steps 10 and 11, was I did a step forward with this lady and we did do it in the form of a life story. And at that point, you know, I was praying, talking to God on a regular basis. I wasn't meditating, but I was getting on my knees every morning, and I I was having conscious contact with God because I'd made that contact on that day I'd walked, and I knew that there was a God.

You know, it wasn't up for debate. That that I'd resigned from the debating society. And we did the step 4 and 5 in the form of a life story, and it wasn't worthless and it wasn't useless. But what it didn't give me, of which I I I now know that I needed in the in the times to come, was it didn't give me the tools to carry this message to the next alcoholic. What it gave me, it did give me it did give me self knowledge, but self knowledge, you know, is is is not a power greater than me.

Self knowledge is still me. I love what one of the speakers said today. They talked about, you know, coming I I think he said something along the lines of, you know, being brought into hospital almost dead and thinking then that I have to go into that sick mind to find the answer. You know, my solution to alcoholism is not in my thinking. It's really, really not because I have the mind of an alcoholic.

My solution is in the spirit, and my solution is God. But, I worked through the rest of the steps, you know, and I was happy, joyous, and free. I've been happy, joyous, and free from that first day when I took that walk and and and said that said that, you know, god, I'm god, I'm checking in type of prayer. And then what happened was my spot my sponsor left Alcoholics Anonymous for personal reasons, and I had no sponsor for a while, and my family were growing up. I had 3 children and a husband and a home, and I was, you know, had commitments in AA, and I was working, and I I was praying, and I you know, I've never ceased praying, and I've never ceased, you know, conscious contact with God is just a sense of God's presence throughout the day.

And and and I can, you know if I put the work in in the morning, my experience has been that that that god is with me all day. You know, god isn't with me just conditionally, just if I'm, you know, the the childish things, if I'm being good, if I'm behaving myself, if I'm doing the right thing. God is there. You know? God is my heavenly father.

I'm a parent of 3 children, and I don't walk out the door when they when they behave in a way that I perhaps might not approve of. So and then what happens was my oldest son was growing up, and he went away for a particular weekend to Norwich to stay with a friend and a friend's auntie. And to be honest, it was quite a handful, and I have to be honest, selfishness, self centeredness, you know, I I have to look at my part. I was quite glad that he was going away for a weekend. It was quite nice just to have the 2, you know, the 2 babies almost, the 2 younger boys who were very, very manageable.

So my Louie went off to the weekend for Norwich, and at 3 o'clock on the Sunday morning, in fact, no. I think it was the Saturday morning. I got a phone call from Norwich Police Station saying we've got your 15 year old son in custody. He's had a car accident car accident and he was in a car with a friend, the friend that he'd gone up with. And as as in Louis's words, as he said to me, mom, the lady we we, went to stay with was an alcoholic, but she hasn't been one for 2 years.

But my Louis went and stayed with her for a weekend and she was one again, so I don't know what that would tell you. But, I drove up to Norwich in you know, the I'll tell you the amazing thing about this phone. It was 3 o'clock in the morning. I don't know where Norwich is. Never been there.

I know it's that bit that sticks out with a funny shape in England. I had no idea. It was 3 o'clock in the morning. I thought I cannot find Norwich at the night time. I'm not even sure I can find it at the day.

I put the phone down. I said to the police, and I will come up in the morning when when it's light. I will I will drive up. I I put the phone down. I prayed, and I let go and handed my son into God's arms and God's hands, and I went back to sleep for about 3 hours.

You know, that that's just, you know, that is amazing. That is God's gift of of, you know, sobriety, really, of of of of reality. And I've I got up and down, went to Norwich, collected my my lovely son. He was all dressed in a paper suit, and he's as tall as me and thinner than me. So, he was pretty outstanding, and he insisted that he wasn't gonna put his his normal civilian clothes on because he really thought he was, like, the gangster rat man of of, the whole of England at this time in his paper suit.

And halfway back down the motorway with him, he was totally unrepentant. We had KISS FM on about a 100 decibels, which was just really jarring. And I said to him, Louis, I think we'll pull over and we'll have a drink, in a cafe. So we pulled into a cafe, never been there before, called the Comfort Cafe. And I was sitting there with my cup of coffee and Louie was sitting there all angry and agitated and not happy.

And I looked up and there was a a man walked in with a an AA t shirt on. And I thought, oh, that's amazing. So I went up and I said to him, hi. I'm a I'm a friend of BMW's. And he shook my hand and he said, come on.

You must meet my wife. And therein was my next sponsor and I you know, that lady sitting here today. And, and be so began my journey and that's why I said because we went back to the to the big book. She told me I had to do a big book study, and I'm thinking, yeah, but I've been sober 5 or 6 years. I don't need to do a big book study.

And I was I did read the book, and she actually gave me a study to do and then told me how to put it in a folder and what I had to do and told me I had a set amount of time to do it and I was gonna spend the weekend with her when I've done it. And we were gonna do a a step 4 or 5 in in in the columns and the written inventory. And I went ahead and did that. And so began another layer, another level of my journey in Alcoholics Anonymous. And what that gave me, that gave me an it gave me a much fuller knowledge of my condition, and it gave me the courage to sit here and to to share, my experience, my strength, and my hope of what God has done for me in my life today.

Step 10, you know, lots of talk there's, you know, lots of things about, you know, written infantry. I love what the guy was saying about, you know, there's there's too many trees dying with all the written infantry. And, I am in conscious contact with my God. I spend time in the morning. The most valuable tool in my my spiritual toolbox is an alarm clock.

And I have to say when when, the speaker said he got up at half or I get up early, I do not get up at 4:30, but I do get up early in the morning. And I make time and take time to spend time with God because it's about having a relationship with God. You know, there's people in this room today that I have a relationship with. There's people in this room that I don't know that I've never met before today, and I can see you and I can know perhaps that, you know, you might have come from a same or different backgrounds to me and you've hope hopefully, you're here because you've, you know, you've got the common problem. But I won't have I haven't got a relationship with you as such, but I've got a relationship with the people I spend time with.

And that's what God asked me to do is just to give some of that time. You know, as as the speaker said, there's 24 hours in the day. I had a complete inability, as it says in step 10, to admit that I was wrong. Ego, unable completely. I could say sorry for England.

I could say I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am really sorry. I am truly sorry. I had more adjectives to go in front of the word sorry than what and I was as and as far as I knew it.

But, really, the self seeking and the self centeredness and the selfishness in my sorrys was really what I meant was was please forgive me. Please still like me. Please don't judge me. I didn't mean it. Now that's very, very childish and immature behavior.

And I was 35 and I still behave that way. You know, I had an I had a a phone account within to Flora because that was like my way of saying sorry. I would come to your home and I would I didn't, you know, I used to say I'd wreck I didn't wreck anyone's party. I made a complete ass for myself because I was drinking and because of my behavior. You know, I suddenly thought every man in the room was magnetized to me, and I was my my god given duty to spread myself around, but they weren't.

Believe you me, they weren't. And, I would send flowers would be flying off around various parts of London on a Sunday or a Monday morning with, you know, huge bouquets, expensive bouquets with big big sorry words in them, and I did mean it. And I I used to think I'll never ever do that again, but I could not admit I was wrong. And where the where the the huge divide came for me was I would be like that to you and to you and to you and everyone in this room, but heaven help you if you were a a basically, a blood relative. If you were my husband, if you were my mother, if you were one of my 3 children, and especially my oldest son, he was my absolute scapegoat.

If you were any of those people, you got nothing from me at all. You because I had nothing to give, and the little I did have to give, which was fueled by self, was given to everybody outside the home. And it says in the big book, you know, the alcoholic more than more than most people, not unlike most people or different, but more to the extreme of most people leads a double life. And I led a hugely double life. I was, you know, outside the home, I could be thoughtful and kind and caring and smiley and generous and all those things I could be.

And the front door shut, and I was mean, and I was selfish, and I was egotistical, and I had a foul mouth on me, and I had a heavy hand on me with my oldest son, and I was a very, very difficult person to live with. But you see the people outside the home thought I was lovely, so it really served me well because they would say, you know, you're you're a you're a good mom or you're good this, you're good that because I fed the people the lines and projected the image I wanted you to see. And I knew myself that there was this huge divide between the 2. You know, my life was very, very much split down the middle. And, you know, what god's grace has done for me is god has entered my heart, and he has given me the capacity through his power.

You know, I cannot do God's will on my power. I can I've been I've tried many times, you know, been good intentions with goodwill, with thoughts of kindness. But if it's coming from my alcoholic mind, and it's not coming from, as I understand it, to be my, you know, my spiritual tool toolbox, my spirit, which is my relationship with God, then I'm still really self will run right. And self will run right can still look really good. It can you know, it doesn't have to look mean and selfish and egotistical.

It doesn't have to look fearful and self seeking. It doesn't have to look any of those things. A shop window can still look really, really good, but internally, I know. And what I've learned, you know, through through, you know, step 10 and step 11, I always think of them as being being, you know, intertwined really. It's through prayer and meditation, and I find still find the prayer much easier.

I'm a much better talker than I am a listener. But through prayer, which is talking to God, and meditation, which is listening to God, and it's just being still and being quiet. You know? I've I've gone down various routes of sort of kind of there was talk today about, you know, seeking God sort of, you know, out there, and and it it's not. It's my relationship with God and it's an internal spiritual condition.

So I set my alarm clock in the morning, and I get up in the morning, and I spend a set time with God in the morning before anybody else in my house has got up. And boy oh, boy, do I you know, I am for somebody who really believed they were spontaneous and, you know, wanted to kind of live this wild sort of undisciplined free spirited life. I'm a real creature of habit. You know? I need that.

It talks about discipline. We allow God to discipline us. And, you know, I am Monday to Friday, I am am really good at at my practice, if if I can call it that. Weekends, I'm okay, but send me on holiday for a fortnight and I go go go sort of whatever because I'm usually as we went away this year, you know, and I was sharing a room with my children, and my routine was completely out of kilter. I didn't lose my conscious contact with God, but what I what I lost was my discipline of mourning time on my own.

And what happened for me recently as well was about 3 weeks ago, my middle son got himself a paper round, which is all very lovely, but he happens to get up for his paper round right in the middle of my prayer and meditation. And I had to smile because I I identified and I have a knowledge of my condition, the workings of my mind. And I when he told me he'd got the paper around, I I could have identified. I could have so easily become, you know, the spiritual giant who's praying and and as the the sharer shared earlier, you know, the wife calls from the other room three times, and on the third time, you you shout and say, can't you see? I'm I'm meditating.

Leave me alone. And I I identified that as a as a probable obstacle, and I've just had to do some rearranging, and it's okay. You know, I have got the ability to be flexible today. I didn't have that at all. You know, throughout the day, I've spoken about that conscious contact with God, and and I truly believe in our big book, there are the most there's this, you know, the step 3 prayer, freedom from the bondage of self.

And why do I ask for it? You know? So that I won't damage others other people's spirits because that's what, you know, when we looked at when I looked at the harms done others, some of it was physical, some of it was financial. You know, a lot of it was emotional around the children, but really it was spiritual, you know. And if I accept that I'm a child of God, I have no right to damage the spirit of another human being today because it doesn't belong to me.

It belongs to God. And I rode roughshod, you know, okay in ignorance, but I did. I rode roughshod over the feelings of other human beings. And, when I take my inventory today during the day, it says, you know, that I'm not going to be inspired at all times. I know it talks in the big book about being early on, but, you know, I'm I'm not early on, and I'm not inspired at all times.

But what I do have is with the conscious contact, I have the ability to say. And they're 2 of the most wonderful tiny little prayers in the book. And one is god, save me from being angry. Every time I can honestly save my heart when I've done that, it really, really works. And the other one for me is god directs my thinking.

Now they all start with god. And it's it's almost as soon as I say the word god, god does do for me what I cannot do for myself. And I'll share with you because I think because and I'll share with you because I think, don't mind my memory for now. I'm an experiential. I'd love to talk, like, in theory about I can't.

I can only share my I'd love to talk about in theory about step 7. Now I can't I can only share my experience, strength, and hope with you. But, you know, experientially, I'll I'll share some some of the wonderful things. You know, this this life that God has given me has been such a a challenge in a fantastic way because every day is a new beginning. Every day I can open my eyes and think what's god's got for them.

My sponsor I remember my sponsor saying to me, you have no more problems anymore, Yvonne. You have opportunities on a daily basis to look for God's solutions, and that just puts a whole it's, you know, it's almost the same, but it was a whole different slant on on on my outlook and my attitude on life. And I could be like that person in a very Pollyanna way where, you know, the tornado person where I I thought I've got no problems and the family were left in this, you know, the wake of a big ship that had ridden right through the middle of of the family life. And I realized that it wasn't that sort of, you know, ignorance is bliss type of experience. But what what she was telling me was that, you know, if I if I have conscious contact with god and grow and enlarge my spiritual life and the spiritual life is not a theory.

It's not I have to live it. I have to live it 24 hours a day if I want to live at peace and be happy in this world. And I've got, you know, so many I call them my spiritual jewels. You know, so many experiences over the years. I remember when I've been a a few years sober, and I might be you know, one of the most wonderful things for me was was I've spoken about friendships with I've got wonderful friends in AA, but I also have wonderful friends I've developed outside of our colleagues anonymous.

They have they're not AA's. They don't belong here. They have no, you know, spiritual malady as such. And, my 2 younger sons started friends and and family friends, and it's been wonderful. And I remember when my about this would have been about 8 no.

7 years ago, one of the mums at school asked me, could I did I know anyone who would child mind her son for her? So I said, oh, I I can't leave anyone off hand, but I'll try and find out. I'll do do a bit of networking for you amongst the mums. So I put her in touch with 1 lady, and the lady that did do it wasn't gonna be doing it anymore. There was another lady, and I used to pray, you know.

It says says that we can pray for things, and we can pray for other people when they might be helped. And I just used to say this this lady's name and say, you know, please help her find a proper person to look after this little boy. And, I've prayed this prayer a few times in the mornings, and and everybody that I'd tried to connect her with, there was there were reasons. 1 woman couldn't do the the school holidays, and this lady worked full time and needed holiday binding as well. And I got down on my knees and I said, you know, blah blah, please help this lady find somebody.

And this voice not a voice. It wasn't a voice that came from over there. It was an internal voice. It just went, you do it. I thought, get off.

I don't wanna do it. I don't wanna look at you know, I've got 3 children of my own. I've got an elder boy who's who who, you know, was very challenging at that time, and this child had a reputation is the other thing. And I thought, I don't want yeah. I've got my own.

I've got my own baggage. I thought, you know, selfish program. Program. I don't I don't need somebody else's, you know, whatever. And I prayed again.

I think, and I thought no. And I thought that I've I've identified that that self will. That's me wanting to rescue again. That's me wanting to help. That's me wanting to stay.

And the voice said to me then, you might offer and she might say no. You know, there's me go running with it thinking, well, she'll be delighted to have me as a child minder for a son. So I didn't do anything, and next morning, the same thing, you do it. Next morning, the same thing, you do it. So I thought, well, I'll if it's God's will, I will ask.

And if it's not God's will, she'll say no or I don't think that's a good idea. So I asked this lady, how about me? And she said, that would be absolutely fantastic. I can't believe you've offered. And for 5 years, I watched that little boy grow from a little boy.

But this is a I'll share this with you, and it's one of those things, you know, I've shared I have an ego maniac, but this is this isn't about a goal achieved. This isn't about a race. This is just about God's grace. It really, really is. That little boy had a really difficult reputation in school.

He was a he was an unhappy little man, and I didn't what did I do? I did nothing to him. I did nothing. I treated him with love because I'd learned to love my own children. And he came to me and he came to me and he came to me.

And he'd been coming to me. He came every morning and we took took him to school. He was in the same class as my youngest son, so it wasn't like a real over his job. He came home and he stayed with me till half 6, and and went off with his mom. And, I took him into school, on this particular day, a teacher came out and said, can I have a word with you?

And she said to me, what have you done to this little boy? We can't believe the change in him. Now I'm not saying, you know, things things are much settled. I'm not saying I'm a miracle worker. Please don't.

I'm not saying but it's got what god does is he gets self and me out of the way, and and I don't have to be an obstacle to anybody else's growth. And and, you know, that that little boy's a a big boy now. He's not he's not a a little boy anymore, and, and he's he's turned into a a lovely young man. And, and I've you know, God assigned me. All I have to do is the role God assigned me, and God assigned me a little role, tiny little role in that young man's life, and I'm grateful.