The London Primary Purpose conference in London, UK

Good morning, everybody. My name is Carl. I'm an alcoholic. Very grateful to be here today, very grateful to be sober, and, I'd like to thank the committee for organizing a wonderful convention, and I'd like to thank Dave for giving me less than 24 hours notice about doing this, share. And, you know, I'm very very scared.

I've done I've done no preparation for this. I have I've done this sort of thing before, but, you know, I think one of the beautiful things about, Alcoholics Anonymous and and the 12 step program is that I'm actually able to stand up and say, I am scared. You know, I I think when I was, you know, drinking alcoholic, and even even before I started drinking alcoholically, know, I was I was I was totally unable to express to people exactly how I felt. You know, I, I internalized everything, you know, the fear I felt, the anger I felt, you know, to put, you know, to a certain extent, I I internalize that and and I just couldn't, you know, express how I felt to people and and and fear was one of those things because, you know, I felt that, you know, I had to be tough, I had to be strong and, you know, by admitting that I was scared of something was, was a sign of weakness. And, as as soon as I sort of, showed my weakness to you, you reject me.

And, you know, that that that that's out of my life today, you know. I'm I'm able to say, in situations like this and and and other situations, you know, work situations, family situations, whatever it might be that, you know, that that I'm fearful. I'm scared. And, you know, and what I get from that is is is strength, you know. By by by accepting who I am, I I can, you know, I can I I don't have that fear so much these days of of you rejecting me?

If you reject me, you know, so be it. But, you know, my experience is that that that in most situations in my life that that I won't be rejected. You know? People accept you for what they are. You know, not everybody out there is an alcoholic.

You know, people people are more tolerant. That that, you know, that's what I've that that that's what I find. So the the convention has been pretty good for me so far and, you know, I've I've learned a lot and, you know, the experience of, of people that have, have been around doing this sort of thing, steps 10 and 11 to to sort of greater depth than I have. You know, that their experience hopefully rubbed off on me, and and hope other people here will go away and, you know, put this program into, you know, put this program into practice. I use step 10 and 11 in my daily program, sometimes to to to quite an extensive degree, and and other times, I do rush, you know, I do I do rush around in my daily life, and I and I don't pay enough attention to to steps 10 and 11.

But but what I'll do now is, I probably won't be able to talk for an hour, but, I'll I'll tell you a little bit about my story and and and, you know, what it was like for me, how I got to AA, and and and what my life's like today. You know? But I would like to say that I'm I'm a, you know, a very, very satisfied 12 step program, undoubtedly, is the foundation of that. And, you know, the fellowship is is fantastic. There's some some great people in in in our fellowship.

I've got some wonderful friends, you know, a unique bond that that I've not found anywhere else in my life. And and it's wonderful to be a part of. You know, not every alcoholic, I believe it is like this, but looking back over my life, before I ever drank, you know, I I felt different. Before I ever drank, I felt, you know, I felt ungrounded fear. I didn't didn't understand though, you know, didn't understand it as as I understand it today.

But, you know, you know, I felt grandiose before I ever drank. You know, I had, you know, I suppose I had this sort of spiritual maladjustment to life long for alcohol was ever in in my life. Although, you know, my parents are probably both alcoholic. Father died of, things related to this this illness, and my mother is in recovery today. But my older brother, is completely normal, you know.

He he's not an alcoholic. He's comfortable in his own skin. He's well adjusted. You know, he's just a normal guy and a lovely guy and and and I was completely the opposite. You know, I was driven by that fear.

I was I was I was far more selfish and, these sort of things. So so I kind of started drinking really, not particularly early. I just started drinking, about the age of 16 with, with my friends, you know, experimenting with it down the rubber club, you know, binging at weekends, but nothing out of the extraordinary really. You know, my friends were doing exactly the same sort of thing and, you know, it was good fun. You know, I really sort of enjoyed getting drunk in those those early days.

It it gave me confidence. It took away that fear. Not that I necessarily was it was a, you know, an introverted person. I was very sort of extrovert in in in social situations, you know. I I love to be the the center of attention, and I love to make people laugh.

And and, you know, when I discovered alcohol, it just it made me those things 10 times over, which was which was which was great. But I soon started to to to experiment with with all the drugs, soft drugs, and, always justifying what I was doing, you know. I'm different. I'm special. Drink will never, you know, take control of me.

Drugs will never take control of me. Always with that in mind because, you know, I'm different, I'm special, and and that's what I, you know, honestly believed. And, you know, I wasn't I wasn't a stupid guy. I was, you know, reasonably intelligent. You know, I got through school with a minimum amount of effort and and came out with, you know, qualifications.

I went to college and I was thrown out for for taking drugs, you know. But it was always at the back of my mind that that, you know, I was in control of this thing. But I think it was, you know, at that point when I got thrown out of college that I started to drink on a daily basis. You know, I got a job straight away. And and and as soon as I had money in my pocket, you know, I drank on a daily basis.

And, you know, it might have only been 3 or 4 pints of, strong ale overnight. But, you know, I kind of thought, you know, straight away that, you know, drinking on a daily basis isn't isn't too smart, but, you know, I'll do something about it tomorrow. And that went on for 15 years, you know. Tomorrow I would not drink. You know, this this this isn't quite right.

This isn't quite smart. I'll do something about it tomorrow. You know, that that insanity was was already starting to take over my life. But even in in those early days of drinking, I had a certain amount of power of control over it. You know, I had a certain amount of power of choice.

You know, there there were situations where I knew I couldn't start drinking because if I started drinking at lunchtime, I'd have to drink all day. You know, I I recognized that. I recognized that possibly I was physically different. I didn't understand it as the as the physical allergy to alcohol and and until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, but I knew if I wanted to get stuff done in the day that I couldn't drink in the day, you know, because if I started drinking, I would end up drinking all day. So there's certain amount of power of choice in those days.

So so I I like what it says in the big book that it says, you know, many of us when we were young enough probably could have stopped. And, you know, I suppose if I if I could have foreseen what what what how my life was gonna end up, you know, I may have been able to stop in those early days, but I didn't have enough didn't have enough reason to. I didn't have enough desire to. You know, alcohol was was working for me. It was it was it was hitting the mark, you know.

It was it was enabling me. It it was, you know, it was good stuff. But, you know, alcoholism is is a progressive illness, you know. I can see that today. The frequency I drank increased.

The the quantities I took increased. The trouble I got into all all all all increased, you know. It got worse and worse and worse. There were periods in my drinking career where I I I seemingly got some sort of control over it, but, you know, that inevitably was followed by by by a worse binge, more trouble, you know, more isolation, more drinking, basically, you know, and and and that's how it was for me. And, you know, it's absolutely horrendous, you know, the the the physical and mental suffering that I used to go through when I when I drank was was just horrendous, you know.

The monotony of it, was just just wearing me down. You know, I was I was very ambitious, you know, at work. I got promotion. I I studied and got qualifications. You know, I was I was at the gym 3 times a week.

I I was rugby You know, I was the fittest guy at the rugby club, you know, doing all these incredible things, but but still drinking on a daily basis, you know, still binging at weekends. My life, you know, essentially going down down the the the the plug hole. You know, when when you're in it, you just can't see it. You know, I had incredible will power in in certain areas of my life, you know, for for going to the gym, for the rugby training, for studying, for going to work, you know, getting promoted, you know, they didn't promote me purely on my ambition, you know, I was promoted on on on on what I could do at work, you know. You know, and I'm grateful for those things today.

But but when it when it came to alcohol, I had absolutely no control whatsoever. You know, there's a there's a possible possibility that there was an invisible line that I I crossed at some point. I I I really don't know. But, you know, alcohol was my master, you know, and I don't know when that was. It may have been when I first started drinking.

I really don't know, and it doesn't really matter to me today, you know. There there's a certain point in my life when that that that, you know, when the drink took over. You know, I I I don't I don't need to know the reasons why that is, you know, and and there aren't any reasons from from from what I understand from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I do not need a reason to drink, you know. You know, I may have programmed myself over that period of time.

I really don't know. It doesn't matter. What I understand today is that I have a mental compulsion, which is beyond my control, you know, a mental compulsion, which I I tried for years to control. I think, you know, early on in my drinking, I recognized it was a problem for me. I recognized that I was different to other people.

I was I was I was different from from my friends down in the rugby club who were, you know, heavy drinkers. You know, they they could drink 15 pints after a match and and get into trouble. You know, they could get arrested by the police. They could, you know, get earache from the girlfriend. But but but they were heavy drinkers.

They weren't alcoholic drinkers like me. You know, I recognized that that I was different from them. I was I was a stage or or a step ahead of them in in in in drinking. They had, you know, control over their over their drinking, which I didn't. But that sort of abnormal abnormality, which I recognized, you know, soon became normal to me.

You know, I knew when I got when when I went out, I'd get drunk. I didn't I didn't like that fact, and and I always try to exert my power over that, but I always failed, you know, and that that physical allergy and mental obsession combined left me, you know, completely powerless. You know, I I had no control over it. I I had no choice over it. Of course, you know, I I knew nothing of this until I came to AA, you know, took the guidance of the sponsor and and worked the 12 steps.

I knew none of this. You know, this has come about, from from the work I've done in Alcoholics, Anonymous, you know, work on myself and and working with others. And, you know, it's a pretty cool way of life, you know. I'm very very happy today. You know, my life isn't perfect, and that's usually when when I screw up, you know, when when I exert my will, that's when seem things seem to go, awry and and and I and I do suffer.

But, you know, at the end of my drinking, I was desperate. I I I tried the all the controlled drinking routes via, government agencies, you know, seeing psychiatrists, going to the doctor. And I honestly believe these people had my best interests at heart, but they didn't have the experience and knowledge of of what we have in in Alcoholics Anonymous, which is something quite powerful. But they could only treat me on on different different levels, and what we, you know, what we have in Alcoholics Anonymous is treating people, physically, mentally, and spiritually. And and that's what I believe, for me is is the is the only answer.

When I went to to try and control my drinking via these agencies and even tried total abstinence, I ended up in more trouble than I'd ever been in my whole life. You know, during the period of, of trying to control my drinking, I lost my driving license twice. I was suspended from from work, and which, you know, eventually sacked. I lost all my friends, you know, they stopped inviting me out. And even my girlfriend, finished with me.

And, you know, let's be honest here. Whilst I wasn't completely being honest, I I was I was making, you know, positive steps to do something about my drinking. And and I actually failed in in in those attempts, and and and that that was, you know, I'm grateful for that today because, you know, I have no doubt in my mind that I can control my drinking. You know, at the end of this period of of trying to control my drinking, via a 12 step treatment center, I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I absolutely hated it. You know, I can remember going to my first meeting, in South Manchester and looking around the room and and and truly believing that that that, you know, this is quite possibly the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life.

People were talking about God. People were talking about the drinking stories, and and I just wasn't interested. You know, I was in the treatment center to keep me out of prison for my my my, you know, my 3rd drink driving offence as far as I was concerned, and I really had a bad attitude. And, you know, I went I went to one of the most expensive treatment centers in the country, and and I actually drank in there. You know, and and the insanity of it for me is that was was the the thought that I was actually choosing insanity of of alcoholism, you know.

And and I came out of the treatment center in in a in a worse state than I walked in, actually. You know, physically, I may have been slightly better because I've I've managed a few days off the drink, but but mentally, I was worse off. You know, I'd I'd looked at the steps, and and I had a go at them, and and and did them completely dishonestly. There was no way I was revealing myself to anybody, you know. There was no way I was gonna be honest about about the things that I was I've been up to.

I had a completely closed mind, and I was willing to put absolutely no action in, you know. I'd go to meetings, and I I I I'd turn up as late as possible and and leave as early as I could. I wasn't prepared to do any act now. I wasn't prepared to make the tea because I was too important for that, you know, washing up was for, you know, new pubs out there. And and that's really how I was at that, you know, after 4 weeks in a very very expensive treatment center.

But I'm honestly very, very grateful to that treatment center today because it did introduce me to Alcoholics Anonymous and it did introduce me to the to the big book and and the 12 step program. They used a, they didn't use the big book in the treatment center. They used a book by Terence Gorski, which is a guide to the 12 steps, and and that was kind of helpful, but but but what I found in AA is is the big book. And I, you know, passionately believe in in what the book has done for me and and what the book has done for for other people I've sponsored. For the next for the next 5 months, I came down to London from from Manchester, and, I I went to lots of meetings in the Dartford area.

You know, just just going to meetings, sitting there, not knowing what I was doing there, really. I didn't know I I didn't want to drink. You know, I knew that drink was destroying my life. I didn't know what I was doing in AA. You know, I'm not saying that I was ready for the message then, but I didn't hear a clear cut message.

You know, what I got from the treatment centre is that that you need a sponsor, and you need to work the 12 steps, and you need a home group, and and you need, you know, you need to get honest. And, you know, you know, I'd like to thank that that that treatment center for all that, you know, from from my very, very early days. That was imprinted on my on my mind that it was the it was the 12 steps via a sponsor. You know, honestly, putting the work in that that was going to was going to give me, well, not not cure me for for for my condition, but will give me relief for my condition, and and maybe, you know, enable me to stop drinking. But I I must say that I was confused when I went to the meetings, you know, I didn't hear a great deal of people talking about sponsorship.

I didn't hear a great deal of people talking about, you know, 12 steps and and recovery. What I heard was a lot of stories about drinking. And and, you know, it was quite you know, that confused me further, you know, What am I doing here listening to people talking about the drinking? You know, I I didn't hear, I didn't hear a message of how people were getting better. You know, I got that from the treatment center, I believe, but I didn't hear a great deal of, of messages in in in the meetings, really.

So for 5 months in AI, I continued drinking. I I would stay I'd stay sober for 2 weeks. I'd stay sober for 3 weeks or or or or 3 minutes. You know, I I could walk out of the meeting and get drunk. And and and still in that insane place of thinking that that that I could control it, thinking that I was choosing to drink, and and not understanding what the hell was going on.

And and so for 5 months in in AA, I got I got progressively worse. And, I'm grateful for that today because it it it got to me it got me to a point of desperation. You know? It got me to a point of, of, you know, I'm I'm not I'm clearly not doing what's suggested. I'm I'm clearly not doing what is required of me, and and just turning up at meetings wasn't good enough for me.

You know, I understand that today. And I and I do remember meeting somebody, in a meeting who who who eventually became my sponsor, and I can remember talking him talking to him on the phone saying, you know, I'm going to meetings, but I keep getting drunk. And, you know, he suggested to me what was a novel idea at the time, you know. He he he said, have you tried praying? And I've heard people talking about God and and this sort of thing, and, you know, I was far too intelligent for God.

I was I was far too cool, too smart, too young, you know, all these excuses which were my core values. My my core values were were exactly those attitudes that that I was too sophisticated for God. But but through desperation, you know, after a member of alcoholics anonymous suggesting to me that I tried praying, you know, through absolute desperation after another horrendous binge, that's exactly what I did. I I I got on my knees and I said my my my first prayer, my first honest prayer, through through absolute desperation, and and that was the 29th August 2001, and I've not drank since that day. After that prayer, I, I went back into the treatment center for a for for a couple of weeks, and, my attitude was completely different.

I I was gonna basically do exactly what they told me to do. You know, I was no longer going to analyse stuff. I was no going to analyze stuff. I was no longer going to to to be critical of people. I was I was no longer going to to sort of be the naughty boy at the back of the classroom, which which I always was, you know, texting in the middle of meetings and texting and joining the group work at the treatment center.

You know, I was desperate not to drink again. On 29th August 2001, you know, the sort of 3 or 4 things that went through my mind and and that that that that moment of desperation was that I need to do something different. I need to be completely and rigorously honest with people. I need to pray and, you know, I don't want to drink, but I know I will. I think that that that that was, you know, those words rang out clear in my head that I don't want to drink, but I know I will.

So, you know, that that that that sort spurred me on to to to go back to AA, go back to this treatment center, and and just throw my lot in. You know, I came back down to to London. I asked this person to sponsor me, and and and and and the rest has been an incredible journey. You know, it really, really has. You know, I'm over 5 years, sober today, and and it's been the best 5 years of my life.

It really, really has. You know, I I worked through the 12 steps with with my sponsor. Probably did the first 9 steps in about 9 months, you know. My sponsor is a very, very different person today. I think he he was learning at the time.

I put my faith in that person and and and we grew together, you know. And it's wonderful that he's still a step out, you know, many, many steps ahead of me in that respect. He he still gives me guidance and and still gives me, you know, great great ideas on on what I should be doing in my life because, you know, parts of my life are still run on self well. You know, I I do get things wrong, but it's okay to be wrong. You know, I I can hold my hand up today.

I can be honest today. The 12 step program has has been an incredible experience for me. Very, very deep and powerful. You know, I was a hopeless alcoholic when I walked into AA. I could not stop drinking.

My life was a mess. You know, I was completely isolated from from the people I loved, and and and the activities that I enjoyed in life, you know. I wasn't a stay at home drunk, you know. I enjoyed living my life, but but alcohol just took that all away from me. I just could not do it anymore.

You know, I can remember trying to go for a walk on on on Boxing Day in in the Peak District, which I love to do. You know, absolutely shaking from from from the night before, and and and vomiting all over the place. You know, it it it was horrendous trying to live that life. And and today, I can do those things without that. You know, I can enjoy the things in my life.

You know, and I've put a lot of effort put a lot of effort into my into my recovery. I'm not saying that to boast, you know. Who's out of sheer desperation? I've started to work this thing. But it's given me a cool life, you know.

It's given me a lot of joy in my life. It's given me love in my life, which I just just couldn't I just couldn't comprehend when I was drinking. You know, to to to give and receive love is an incredible thing, and to stand up here and and and say that is an incredible thing really for me because, you know, I just I just couldn't express it. The 12 step program has been an an empowering experience for me. You know, I have I have the power of choice in my life today.

I have the power of of, of God in my life today. You know, my higher power. I have the power to help people today. You know, it baffles me when I hear people in a in a meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous saying I'm powerless over people, places, and things. You know, I am far from powerless.

You know, the 12 step program has has enriched my life and empowered me. You know, I I can go anywhere in this world today as as a free man. You know, I am I am far from powerless. You know, the the last the last 5 years of my life, I've just been the coolest, you know. I've made lots of mistakes, but but I've progressed, you know.

I'm really glad that I'm not a year sober anymore. You know, my my first year was good, but, you know, there was there was there was lots of fear still about that. There was there was more fear probably keeping me sober than faith in those days. You know, I understand today that it's my faith that keeps me you know, my faith with works that keeps me sober today. You know, I have I have 2 home groups.

I have I have service at those groups. I do service at intergroup, You know, I have a daily program. You know, I start my day off most days on my knees, you know, praying for a sober day. You know, I just use the serenity prayer. I use part of the step 3 prayer.

I use part of the step 7 prayer to hand my will and and my life over to to to my higher power to keep me sober for that day. And I always ask that I that I'm kept sober to help another person. You know, I I I'm lucky, I suppose, but I've never really prayed for selfish things. I don't know why that is. I just just never have.

You know, because I'm a very selfish person, but I've always prayed to be to be kept sober till I'm able to help another person. I generally speak to another alcoholic every day. I do a gratitude list of of 10 things that I'm grateful for every day. You know, I'm a naturally ungrateful person, a naturally selfish, ungrateful alcoholic, who who thinks this life owes him a living. You know, and I don't have to work very very hard to to to enjoy enjoy those things.

So that gratitude list has given me gratitude today. You know, I'm 5 years grateful today because I've been doing a gratitude list for 5 years. You know, it's just as simple as that. You know, I read I read a a literature every day. I have stuff emailed to me, and, I, you know, pick the book up.

I go through the book with with sponsors. You know, I've been through the book a few times with with my sponsor, and, you know, it all adds up to it all adds up to a pretty good life. You know, not a perfect life, but but but a free life. The sort of things that I enjoy in my life today is is my work. You know, I'm I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed on a on a Monday on a Monday morning.

And at the end of my drinking, I couldn't, you know, I could not go into work on a Monday. I could not go into work on a Tuesday. You know, it was just horrendous. And today, I can I can do those things, enjoy them? I enjoy a social life, inside AA and outside of AA.

You know, I have great friends inside and outside the fellowship. You know, relationships repaired through the 12 step program, just incredible today. You know, an example of that is is, my best friend and his wife, who I made direct amends to through this program, making, you know, who who when I was drinking, told me I wasn't invited to their wedding. Today, I'm godfather to their daughter, you know, and and and that just blew me away when they asked me. You know, just blew me away when they asked me.

And, you know, because I didn't think that those things were part of my life, you know. I just the end of my drink, I just did not, you know, I didn't trust people. I I didn't think people trusted me. You know, I just didn't think people wanted me around anymore. I had, you know, I had that craving that that that they would, but I just kinda knew that it would never happen in my life.

So, you know, through this 12 step program, those those things are good in my life today. This boxing day, I've got my, in recovery I bought a house and, on boxing day I've got my brother, his wife, and my 2 nieces and my mother coming around to my house. You know, that that that is another thing which is just just blows me away. You know, I was so full of of resentment and fear for my brother. You know, he's my elder brother.

So there, of course, there's sibling rivalry there, but I had deep resentment for him. And he'd never done me any harm, you know, just full of of fear and and and and that sense of duty towards him and and that, you know, envy for for for him being well adjusted and and comfortable in his own skin when I wasn't, You know? So, you know, I've got these things to look forward in my life today, but always at the centre of my life is is Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, at the centre of my life is the 12 steps. It comes before my family.

It comes before my work. It comes before my social life. Because I have found in my experiences that if I put alcoholics on us at the center of my life, that everything else just seems to fit in, and it fits in very, very nicely. And I I kind of I kind of don't know how that works really, or or maybe I do know how that works. It works because I I stay sober and and I and I lead a better life than the life I was leading.

I lead a better life than the life I was leading when I was drinking. And and and steps so steps 10 and 11 are are are a part of my my daily program. And I've done, you know, I've gone through periods of doing written step tens, from just a a a pro form a sheet, which my sponsor gave me. You know, I always a good experience. I'm still quite ill disciplined in that area.

You know, I'd rather go to the gym than than sit and meditate. But I do believe that going to the gym is kind of a period of meditation for me, and and the exercise is good for me anyway, you know, and I won't stop doing that. I have been to a Buddhist meditation class, and and that's been a great experience, you know, when I when I've been disciplined enough to go along on a weekly basis with with with sponsors or or guys I know in in the fellowship. You know, it's been it's been a cool experience. Buddhist meditation is very similar to to from my experiences of it is that it's very, very similar to our program.

It's about getting rid of selfishness. And and the message is clear from Buddhism that, you know, our message of, selfishness, self centeredness, that is the root of all our troubles. And there are very, very similar sayings in in Buddhism. And, you know, it's good. And and whilst I've been meditating, I have I have found, you know, enhanced my peace of mind.

I've I have seen a clear, pure white light when I've when I've when I've meditated. What's that all about? I really, really don't know, but but, you know, these sort of experiences are incredible for me today. I've also seen the burning flames of hell when I've meditated. But I don't know why, but it didn't faze me.

You know, it didn't give me that that fear that I've always suffered from. You know, because, you know, my fear is manageable today. My resentments are manageable today through through the faith that that I've acquired by working this program, through, you know, just just a beautiful way of life that that that AA has given me. The last 5 years of my life have just been so cool. You know, I've done some incredible things.

You know, I was in New York this August with with my sponsor and some of the guys in AA, and I had a wonderful time. You know, it was very hot out there. I was full of resentment. But, you know, sometimes I I find it difficult to live in the moment, but but but I can look back at those experiences sometimes and think, you know, that was that was so cool. You know, what an honor to to be able to do those things.

You know, I go on holidays and enjoy myself. You know, I pack a lot of stuff into my life today. And it's all thanks to this fellowship, you know. I'm so grateful for for what AA has done for me. In the first 5 months that I was in AA, and I'm still drinking, I hadn't got a clue.

And and the only thing that I could share was that I was grateful, because I heard other people say that. But I was not grateful in the slightest. I didn't feel it. I didn't understand it. I just said it because that's what I heard other people say in AA.

You know, I just didn't understand it or or experience it. My message to to anybody in AA, you know, new, struggling, however long you've been around, you know, this 12 step program really, really works. You know, the expert the experience of my sponsor that that that's passed his experience onto me, the people that I've worked with, sponsors that I've worked with, have also had deep and powerful experiences. And, you know, that's not because we're we're special people, I believe. You know, I believe that this this this program and recovery is available to anybody.

You know, give it a go. You know, that that that fear that kept me trapped, that that fear that kept me sort of locked into this illness that I couldn't, you know, tell you the truth about my drinking or anything else that was was going on going on in my life. You know, it's difficult that I can't help you there because, you know, it's only you that can let go of that and and give yourselves completely to this program. You know, you know, I I read a lot of sort of stuff on on on the Internet, and I see a lot of anti AA websites. And, you know, I take on board, some of the sort of criticisms of AA because I think I believe as as a fellowship, you know, as a whole, we're letting down lots and lots of people by not talking about this 12 step program.

We're letting people down by not talking about the incredible experience you can have from from from getting honest and and working this program and and helping other people. You know, the highlight of my life today is is working with others. You know, to see to see other people get sober and get well blows me away. And and I no doubt it's it's those deep experiences that I feel when I'm working with a newcomer that keep me sober today. You know, my my job's great, you know, but it doesn't keep me sober.

My social life is is great. My family life is great, but it doesn't keep me sober. You know, what what keeps me sober is passing my experience onto to another alcoholic, you know, working intensively with him to enable him to find that same experience that I've had. You know, I I believe that this this this experience is available to anybody. You know, you you can have this thing.

You know, you get honest with an open mind for the action, and you you too can stay sober and and enjoy a good life. You know, I've worked with people with with, you know, real, you know, severe mental illnesses, and I've seen them recover in front of me. You know, not recover from the mental illness, but recover from their alcoholism and and and get on with their lives. You know, I'm very lucky and grateful that, you know, I've got good things in my life. But I've also, you know, I've I've also been dealt dealt blows in in my recovery.

My first 6 months in AA, I was made redundant from work. You know, my girlfriend finished with me, and and my mother was very, very ill and ended up in in an AI, of course. You know, these these were these were were were were This was drinking stuff for me. This is stuff that I drank on, and and and what confused me at the time was that that I didn't even have to think about not drinking. And, you know, I was I was terrified about picking up the next drink, You know, I was working the program, you know, very very slowly in in in these early days, but, you know, I was doing my best and and doing working with what I knew.

And, you know, being able to keep me sober. And and other things have happened happened in my life. You know, buying my house gave me gave me a lot of fear, but I got through with it because of because of working this program, I believe, you know. I had to retire from from rugby, because of a, you know, serious hip complaints. And I've got to have a hip replacement.

And and I felt incredibly low when I found out about that. And and and the thought of a drink did cross my mind. But the compulsion, you know, that compulsion to drink was kept at bay, I believe, because of the work I put in on a daily basis. You know, it's just as simple as that, you know. I accept that I'll never play rugby again, which is, you know, it's very sad because, you know, in recovery, I played rugby for the first time in my life with a with a clear mind.

You know, I wasn't as fit as I as I was, but I played better rugby because I wasn't wading through treacle anymore, you know. So, you know, I have a lot of joy and happiness in my life today, you know. I still make mistakes. I I still need to sit down and do some inventory and and and make some amends. I know I know I need to do that.

And I'm looking forward to doing that with my sponsor. And, you know, I'm looking forward to to continue to carry this message to to anybody out there, you know, the the newcomer, the suffering alcoholic, whoever it may be. I don't know how long I've I've been talking for, but I think I've just about come to an end. I'd like to thank everybody for for listening to me. If you're ever in, between Birmingham and Manchester, my home group is Newcastle Tuesday.

Newcastle on the Tuesday, we do steps 1, 2, and 3. And Sunday, we do a step and tradition meeting. 1 week, we do a step. The next week, we do a a tradition. We've also started a speaker meeting in the potteries, which is once a month.

Please look us up. Where every last Thursday of the month, we just have 2 speakers up. No discussion, just 2 speakers. And, you know, it's a pretty cool place to be. I'd like to thank you.

I'd like to thank you all again for listening to me, and God bless you all. Thank you.