Deandre M. from Lancaster, CA speaking in Newhall, CA

My surprise date is May 29, 1991. My sponsor's name is Dennis Lee. My home group is a spiritual meeting at the open door on Sundays at 11 o'clock. And, for those things, I'll forever be grateful. It's good to see shout my wife is here today with me, Shalaby.

It's good to be sober. Alright. My I I was born a poor black child. I'll get that out of the way. Yeah.

I said it over with. I grew up in the joint and downs housing project in Watts, over off a 100 and third and Grape Street. And, my mother had to move over there because she had lost her job, and we had to move somewhere where she could afford to keep out 6 of her children. 6 of her children with all 6 different fathers, and so that's where we had to go. We went to the projects.

And I love the projects. I love living in the projects. I love having one problem right next to another, baby. Crammed all up in there together and, it's conducive for a lot of weed smoking and a lot of drinking. You know?

My mother made drinking look fun. I love the way my mother made a drink and look and so we, as the kids, nowadays, I can call us the children of the body card because we my family and my brother and my sisters, we we snuck and drank. After my mother's party, she would have her friends over. They play spades, which is a card game. And, we would play spades and drink and be happy about it.

And there was nothing more with drinking. Drinking is what it's all about. When you're living over there and you don't wanna deal with what's happening over there and what's going on around you, The best way to deal with what's inside of you is to get some alcohol. Alcohol in any firm will do for me. I know this is an AA meeting, but my big book tells me that I gotta stay away from alcohol in any form.

And I have to remember that when I come here, because I got an incredibly short memory. And a lot of times, I forget what it was really like because I'm doing pretty good today. Got a good life. I'm coming up on 13 years of sobriety in May. And so, I had no intentions on staying sober this long at all.

You know. When I first got beat up, not by alcohol but by my friends, for stealing money and not being a very honest person. I remember having to go, to my aunt's house who lives over by, the Colosseum in, Los Angeles. And I remember going over there with my arm aunt, kinda like, what this gentleman's going over here and, just I had a cane and, I was walking up the street and my grandmother pulled up alongside of me. It was a very successful woman in the community down there, and she put up alongside of me and told me that I looked like a bump.

And she started her crying, just drove off. And I could relate to that when she did that. She nailed it. You know, by that time, my insides had started matching my outsides. When I grew up, I could always push away what I was really feeling on the inside.

I could always get it out of there. But the more that alcoholism and these drugs and all this stuff started eating away at me, it eat it eat it eat it eat it away. It ate away at that barrier that I used to not let you know what was really going on. So the more I drank, the more I couldn't hide what was really happening with me. And that's how I started acting out.

And started, getting into your shit and stealing your stuff and lying and talking about how I'm really gonna be different the next time you catch me. You know? Next time you catch me, doing the wrong thing, too drunk to be a part of society. I really am gonna change. So I can relate to the relapser even though I've been sober since my first meeting so far.

I can relate to telling a plethora of people that this time, I really am not gonna get over to get because, people around here that run-in and out of here have this, the leaf that the real alcoholic can't relate because they keep running in and out and we keep staying sober. And I beg to differ. I I I hear you share that that is the disease of alcoholism. No matter what kind of sobriety date you try to put on it. Swearing it off.

You know? So if you're here and if you're new, hug him. Welcome. You know, they didn't call them relapses when I got sober. They called them alcoholic.

You know, and now we got a special name for him. But anyway, I remember, getting beat up and running over there and having my grandmother hurt my feelings And I had to go to this hospital, big general hospital over here. And, there was this little lady in the building and she said, you know, we don't have any services here for you. We can't help you. But there's a little place down the street called El Centro, which is a little drug addict referral agency place, and maybe they can help you get into some sort of a program because we don't have anything here for you.

I mean, we already patched you up, you know. You got your little voice song on and that's all we're gonna do for you. We have tried to fix up your outsides, which is what most failed attempts at treating this disease is all about. Getting the outsides together so you can look presentable in front of the rest of the family, I suppose. I don't know.

But she told me, we have done we've done all we can for you and that's it. You know? And so I went down to this place and I met this little Mexican guy named Roddy Macias, and he told me the most profound thing I ever heard in my life. He told me that somebody was gonna wind up killing my ass. He told me that I was 24 years old.

I was already living on the streets and I wasn't gonna make it. And for some reason, I believe that man. You know? And I got on my knees. He had walked out of the little cubicle that we were talking in, and I got on my knees and I asked God for help.

And Ronnie put me in a hotel room at 7th and Vermont for 7 days. I know this is starting to sound a little bit like Christianity, but bear with me. But I, I went to that hotel room and I, and I went back and forth to his office to the hotel room every day until he could find a program to put me in. And a miracle happened. I didn't sell the bus tickets that he gave me to use to get back and forth to his office.

And on that last day, I saw an opportunity he presented to me. He told me, go down to the Volunteers of America building on 5th and Saint Julian, which is on Skid Row where I've been living anyway, and go down there and go in there and use the phone to call Warm Springs Rehabilitation Center and talk to a lady named Yolanda. And I went down there that morning and I walked in front of the building and I saw a little roach on the ground. That's, part of a marijuana drink. Some of you strict alcoholics here.

I know this is an AA meeting and don't nobody know shit about marijuana in here. And, I picked that up and I smoked it. I walked around the corner and I smoked that. No. Because I'm surrendering.

I've surrendered. And and and the relapsing tells me I don't get it. Yeah. Anyway, I walked around the corner. I went in there and I called this lady and she said, doc Deandre, in order to get into Warm Springs, you have to have 7 days sober.

That's why he was he put me in the hotel for that amount of time. And, I told her, I said, you know, I really wanna do this thing. Yeah. This is May the 28th, 1991. I told her I really wanna do it, but unfortunately, I have something in my system this morning.

We're gonna have to push this back. Yeah. And she said, well, you know what? Why don't you get on the van anyway? Yeah.

And I've been sober ever since. So see, it's really hard for me to spend a whole lot of time talking about drinking. And I went up to that rehab rehabilitation center, and I basically, decided that when I got there with no underwear on and a one pair of pants, and this little guy came from the general service, from Seadarm to the general services building to pick me up and take me over to the dorm, I was slowing up and I had to use the bathroom a lot, because I hadn't gotten high since that roach and I was really craving something, some form of alcohol, which is most excruciating. It was really, really, tormenting to be laying in that bunk, sweating it out, wishing that I could have some kind of medication or something, you know. I've never been diagnosed with any kind of mental illness or any kind of, you know, this chemical imbalance slave or whatever.

I never had any of that. So I was not allowed any kind of medics, you know, and that pissed me off, you know, because I saw other people getting the medication. And for a minute there, I thought that it had a lot to do with, you know, probably a racial issue there. Yeah. I mean, the white people are getting down the pills and, you know, I might run up here and tough her out.

And, any rate, I I I suffered through that and just went to a lot of meetings and, you know, thank god for, hospitals and institutions. Thank god for HNI. Those those winners came up there to that rehabilitation center and carried the message much, like what, my friends and I did last night. What Shalaby and I do, up to this day. Just going up and just seeing, you know, getting out of that bunk crawling because my disease is like, those those horror films like Jason, Michael Myers.

You know, you you you cut his ass. You put the axe on the head and it just keeps coming back. You know? You take a fucking machete and whack it across its face. You set fire to it.

You dunk it and, you know, you you you're burning it in the holding water and it just keeps coming back, you know. And, and that's how my disease is. And and I just remember being at that rehab really confused about why I needed to be here, you know. I knew that I was in trouble. I knew that I had problems.

But now that I'm not high, why do I have to continue to stay here? I haven't been loaded in 2 days. You know? It's been 2 days. You know why?

I mean, it's over. Right? And, through listening to those people come up on those panels, they were talking about real life situations and how they weren't drunk. And that's when it dawned on me that I probably should stay there a little longer. You know, because I didn't know how to apply abstinence with real life.

I knew how to reply not drinking with being miserable about it and not being able to stand it. You know, we hated being sober when we were getting loaded. You know? And I come to the area and and it just seemed like people were trying to tell me, you know, be happy about it. You're not drinking.

And, I didn't I didn't feel that way about, you know. Yeah. I didn't I don't know what you know, and then we would see these guys coming in on these panels, and they had that laughter and that little sparkle the way your eyes look right now, Susie. And it just you know, that was that was, you know, you learned it. You know.

You just smoked some weed coming up here. Tell me about you sober. And we used to sit in the back row and just talk about how we thought they were high. You know, you got the high HMI. Alright.

You know, you know, you got a loaded ass. And then, you know, I thought they were trying to put us down, you know. I mean, you gotta bring your ass up here in these mountains and talk your bullshit about not blinking. You know, you know how straw how we're struggling up here. And, I was I was I was a little frustrated about it, but overall, once I stayed up there, I started realizing, you know, that these people really care.

You know, and it was it was strictly AA, you know. It wasn't a whole lot of stuff that we have to do or go through nowadays to get to what's in this local. What really, happens to an alcoholic when another alcoholic talks to them or he about recovery, you know. Nowadays, we got a lot of stuff going on, you know. And anyway, I stayed up there for 11 months, you know?

Oh, they're playing our song out there. How? I mean, we're we're like it. It's a sample of the alcoholic national anthem right there. We really we really we really had a lot of stuff going on up there.

And after I got out of that rehabilitation center, I moved to Lancaster, California. I I because I tell people when I go to other meetings out of the area, it may not look like I'm from Lancaster, but I'm from Lancaster. The only thing I didn't let that area do is affect how I vote, but, that's an outside issue. And, I I I went up there and they saved my life in that area. People talk shit about Lancaster, but you know what?

Those people kept me sober up there, you know. Those people, there was hardcore, redneck. We don't give a shit what color you are, AA. You know, I went to the open door and I met my sponsor there. His name was Dennis Lee, like I said earlier.

And and he told me that, you know what? Because I told him I had already done steps 1, 2, and 3 in Long Springs. I completed my step packet. And, and he told me, you know what? Since you've done all that, then you can get started on your inventory.

But first, we're gonna review what I know about step 1, 2, and 3. And, you know, I kinda thought it was a little arrogant, but I went ahead and followed along. I'm just here to share that, you know, my sponsor is the one who saw 2 sentences under my bullshit and got me involved with, real AMA, you know. Uncut, unrehabilitated AA, You know? And he taught me how to, take commitments at that group.

And, and they gave me a secretary commitment on a Saturday afternoon at noon, and I hated it. Because everybody was out doing the a activity stuff. You know, sleeping off from the Friday night dance, and I had to crawl my ass over there. This hot ass fly infested room on a Saturday afternoon and look at 3 alcoholics. And my sponsor thought that was the greatest because you know, I wanna be a speaker.

I don't wanna be in a meeting with 22 alcoholics and and and 2 of them are drunk, you know. And, and I don't know. That means, said my ass man. I remember the first time they gave me the key and all I kept thinking about was how much the coffee machine was worth. You know, because I didn't I didn't had a key for a while or anything.

You know? I couldn't believe they gave me a key to that building. It tripped me out. You know? And it's like what happened for me is I just got involved.

I just started doing stuff. They needed somebody to be somebody and I did it. You know, I just started raising my hand and I started taking commitments, man. And, and I was and I was going up to Warm Springs every month with my friend, Jeff, who I had met when I was in there. And I just, I just got brainwashed.

I'm here to share that, I'm brainwashed. You know, I know a lot of people are, concerned about their own identity in their area, their own awareness, their own self interest, and I have to to a certain extent. But overall intervene in my life today with almost 13 years of sobriety. He has to reach inside of whatever the hell I think is more important than you men and women and and remove it. He's done it with cars, with, people, places, and things.

You know, he has done that and, and I said they're powerless, you know? Like, wow. You know? Because I've tried to contemplate at night on how I'm gonna get rid of this thing or how am I gonna stop doing this thing that's interfering with me and God in LA. And the next day or week or month or year later, it's gone anyway.

And I don't want nothing to do with it. And I believe that that comes through the surrender experience of taking the steps. Doing it in his will. Not screwing around with the state. You know, not working the room, and working a real program.

And it takes a lot of pain to get to that place, man. It takes a lot of, apartness, a loneliness, you know, with with time sober, tripping. So I don't know how I know I really got the answer, but I can't get to a meeting this week because I'm busy. Yeah. You know, I've got stuff happening.

I mean, I know Jim is over there every night. You know, and I know that these other people that have full lives are over there, but they don't know how busy I really am. You know, I got no children, no significant other. And I'm I got I got a lot of stuff going on. You know, and it's 5 years sober and it's like, you know, AA is overbearing.

Goddamn. They want you to do all this stuff that they did for you. You know, they want you to do the there's this old timer at this meeting I go to over here at Simi Valley and he says that it's the last thing you tried and the first thing that worked. Alcoholics Anonymous. So if you're coming here and you quote unquote believe it's not working, I don't really think you're trying AA.

I really don't. That's just my own personal opinion. I'm sure if yours is stronger than mine, you're gonna come up to me after the meeting and talk shit to me anyway. So I'm just gonna go and let it out. I know how alky's are.

They come up to you after the meeting to really get you through what they thought that you said or whatever. That's happened to me a lot. And it's like, when people do that, it's like, I'm so oh, it's like, I don't even remember when I when I shared that. I I'm sorry, you know. But anyway, I just I just love AA is what I'm trying to share.

You know? I just I just love alcoholics anonymous. I love being able to fall on my face. I don't love it while it's happening, but I love looking back at it and knowing that I got up with AA. Right.

Without a drink. You know, I know that I can start over with step 1 and not with the first drink. People don't know that here. I'm here to share it. Because then when they come back and say, I didn't hear anybody say that.

That's why I'm talking kinda loud if you're new. Because people go a little louder and then they come back and say, I don't remember them saying that. You know? And I'm here to share that we don't start over with a drink and alcoholics anonymous. We start over with step 1.

When we're on that dry drunk and we know that we've been slacking off, we don't have to come in here and announce that we're not perfect. Only alcoholics do that shit. I don't know why. But we don't need to announce that we're not perfect. All we gotta do is get with a man or a woman around here, man, and, like, take stuff one again.

You know? And I had to do that because I can stand up and talk no shit to the Chinese radio but not apply this stuff. You know, the stuff that they applied on me when I got here. And I I had this kind of emptiness that just comes into me that I can't control. And it could come at any time.

You know, it could come before a meeting. It could come after I do a fist step with somebody. It could come when, somebody doesn't call me back or when I sit there and look at my caller ID and I don't call you back. Big book says there are certain it doesn't say specific. It says there are certain points of times where we will be unable, you know, to get that mental defense, that effective mental defense against our 1st string.

That that that's gotta come from a higher power. So I don't know how it was. I don't know when this thing's gonna go off. I don't know when it's gonna happen. So what I try to do and and I'm an alcoholic.

I like trying to play it safe. I try to already be involved in certain activities, actions, or habits that will protect me. And I believe that's why the, triangle, the symbol of our society, all three lines are even for a reason, you know. Equal treatment. And I try to be in the middle of that triangle as best I can.

And that has nothing to do with perfection. It's about a direction that I try to live in today as best as I can. Because I'm gonna tell you something right now. With this time sober, I get really frustrated watching people who can say that they're a member of AA and don't do nothing about it. I get jealous and I have to write and pray and get back into mind and my own business.

But this is the I mean, when you remember the Ku Klux Klan from what I hear, you have to do specific things. But at AA, it's just like you can stay away from a meeting for 3 years and still be telling people, yeah. I'm gonna hey. Hey. Well, that's great.

I got this job. I got all these kids. I got this life. I got AA. I've been to a meeting in 3 years, but that was all I'm a I'm a member of AA.

You know, and I get kinda weirded out by that, you know, because it's like, I don't think that's fair to the guys and gals like us, like, that they come around here and, and put away these shares and shit and put up with these drugs like ourselves and, and listen to these guys like me for over 45 minutes. You know, we thought we had a lot of stuff around here that we don't necessarily like. We just do it most of the time because it works. At least that's what I do. You know, and prior to leaving that rehab, I wanted to be safe so I didn't go back to LA because I didn't know what was gonna be there except what I had left there.

But as far as me going back there sober, I didn't really feel that it would've worked out. So I didn't go back there. I went to, Lancaster. I got involved with that group, and I just started, you know, realizing that I I I can't stay sober anywhere else but AA. I can't do it.

You know? And my sponsor and I, once we took the steps together, he stopped cussing at me so much. Because he used to say mean and evil things to me. You know, my demon sponsor, one night, I had called over there because, you know, I was burning down. And, I wasn't feeling good about this so sober thing.

And I I it's a term that you guys use. It's a cultural thing. We don't say it in in in rats, but you got you're spun. Yeah. I was spun.

I had learned that word in the meetings. I I don't know what the fuck it lit, but I felt like it. So I so I called and told him that I was fun, and he asked me how many meetings have you gone to today? I said 5. You know?

But, you know, so where? Yeah. In 5 fucking meetings. Yeah. And then so what you should do is you skip those first two meetings in the morning and go look for a job so you could be as tired as my ass is at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Just dumbass. So, you know, if I hung up the phone, because he hung up on me and I, I I I literally just sitting there thinking to myself, you know, they talk about this love and where is the love here? That's not a loving that what what what what is loving about that? And what I found out later on through continuing working with this man is that love is an action. See, I want love to be like a a a a a a somebody rubbing me back at night or whatever.

Love is an action. There's certain things that I gotta do to be about love. And I didn't know that, but he taught me that, you know. He told me to stop drinking so much of this damn coffee and maybe I could get to sleep. You know?

Because I would drink a powder coffee at each meeting that I went to. So I had a hard time sleeping and then I would tell him, my stomach just feels good and I'm I don't feel right in my yard. You know? And he would tell stop drinking out like goddamn coffee. Shit.

And that's the cut and I know that's not in the book. No. It's not because people say don't share about what's not in the book. Not drinking a whole lot of coffee's not in the book, but that's what my sponsor had to tell me in private when we practice the hidden legacy of AA called intimacy. You know, and it's not pouncing up and down on top of somebody's sexual and being intimate with someone.

Really letting them know what eats my lunch and why I'm gonna get drunk. Why am I about to take that drink? That's what intimacy is all about for me. Why do I feel so uneasy that I can't go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and think about somebody else for at least 3 to 5 minutes? You know?

I need to talk to him about that before I act out on that. You know? And that's what I do today. You know? And this is just my stuff.

This is just my opinion. The opinion that counts though is in the front of this book and in there it says that I can't safely use alcohol in any form. And my mind spends a whole lot of time in sobriety trying to find other forms of alcohol. They don't necessarily have to be a substance. It could be a situation that I'm obsessing on.

Being in a relationship, for example. Prancing up the stairs of the rafters in love with somebody. You know, when the truth of the matter is I'm lonely and I'm desperate and I'm afraid and I'm still empty without a drink. I don't know if anybody in here with time sober can relate to that, but I have to be willing to do that because I thought I'd stay in here for the long haul. You know?

And it's the people in this room that have done that that continuously attract me to this program. I love hearing these men and women with time server letting me know what I'm gonna have to deal with or what I ought to be willing to walk through with them with, and not take that first drink. You know? That's important stuff, man. People walking through all kind of medical situations, domestic, you know, and they're not drinking, man.

That's some that's some stuff that I really admire because I'm only human. You know, and it's like I had to connect with people around here because I will go off and try to do things by myself to not be a burden to you, to not have to let you know that I don't have enough food, that I have 7 years of sobriety, that I don't have any food at my house. See? That that that that that that didn't took my car because I couldn't make the payments, because I got, laid off from work. You know?

And I'll have to be willing to be honest about those things. Not get honest because if I'm getting honest, that means I've been lying. You know? And so I trip off people that are, quote, getting honest today. Because what that means to me is what?

You've been lying to me the whole fucking time you've been talking. Yeah. So I've been assured to be be an artist, man, works for me. In regards to this even though it's at the group level, but I work with autistic children in the home. And, I was out of training Friday, and, I got, some recognition at the group level, for the way I do my job and how effective I am.

And I started crying during the meeting, and I don't cry publicly. I just I feel that it's a little inappropriate because I'm full of shit, basically. And I walked it up in the meeting and there's all these people in the meeting and it was very embarrassing for me because I just wanna be the lonely, you know, person that only makes this amount of money during the year and I don't have all my bases covered and, you know, I've been comfortable over there. Yeah. And people are, and and the head guy, Rick, got up and said that, there have been some, some praise going on from some of the clients.

My name came up and, and I thought that was really deep. And instead of sitting there, you know, relish, you know, enjoy it, vase, you get that. My head automatically said, well, shit. They shoulda give me a raise. Yeah.

Yeah. I guess, you know, I I I I I I thought, you know, that ego. You know, the ego, you know, edging God out. And then when I went to the car after the meeting, I thanked my higher power. I knew that that was a direct result of what he wants, and what my power my high power has going on for me.

You know, I was in a meeting complaining because I had been out of work for 8 months, and I was in a noon meeting, writing about it down in Hollywood. And, my, one of my supervisors today was in that meeting, And she came up to me after the meeting. I didn't even know who she was and gave me her supervisor's card and told me to call her supervisor. And 2 days later, I was, you know, I was working. They they put me on the job.

They trained me and they got me going. And that's because I didn't go to that noon me. I led that meeting too. And I didn't wanna go leave that meeting because I had been unemployed. Hell, I didn't even down there have the gas to get over there.

But I suited up and showed up just like you guys and gas taught me. And I got that job and I know that this is not a employment agency. And, what And and, what I'm trying to share is that if you're here and if you're new, let us know where you are at this very moment when you're talking to us. Us. I know you have a gamut of shit, but you wanna let us know all about from way back there.

But on that 12 step call that you're trying to get out of us, just kinda let us know what your needs are right now. And I'll be willing to bet if you if you search honestly that there'll be somebody here to help you. But those immediate needs, you know. And you won't even see it coming, man. I didn't even know that girl because for a minute there, I thought she was trying to hit on me but then I kinda you know.

Oh, it's chemically impossible. I don't know where where I got that from, but you know, because I had shared and she just came up to me. And and that and I looked back on it. It was she didn't come. It was almost like a pathetic kind of a hymn, you know.

Shut up. You know? Don't don't get a job. You want a job, go get it. You know?

And, and it happened. You know, I'm I'm here to share that I was gonna be one night with about 3 years of sobriety. I was struggling and, I was complaining. I didn't have any cigarettes. I used to smoke at the time and, and and my grand sponsor I tell my sponsors about this.

It was a candlelight. It was dark. I was really feeling the feelings of not having smokes and struggling in my sobriety. And my grandspouse just reached back and kinda chucked the pack of cigarettes at me and they hit me right in the mouth. Right?

Right in here. And and I just leaned over the table and said thank you for letting me share. It just, you know, it's just those solutions just kinda hit you, you know. You don't really have to worry about it. People don't believe that.

People don't believe that about it. People don't believe that. People don't believe that. People believe that you gotta come up in here and earn a free gift. No.

This work that we're doing is just a constant reminder that God I'm not self buying nothing. This this this this this work that we do is just a constant eye opener that my higher power is running shit. And I used to think that the work that we do was for recognition and and notoriety and, you know, and rank. You know, we are right. You're a move up around here.

I'm the coffee guy on Friday night. This is my kitchen. You know? You know, you come in. You know what?

I love that right now because you see that transformation. You see new people coming. Oh, man. I don't wanna cut you. 2 weeks later, we give them a coffee.

Can I help you, please? Why are you in the kitchen? And we we give you it restores some stuff in us and, and this work that we're doing is these panels, these commitments, taking these cakes and stuff. It's just a reminder that our higher power, we most of us of the people that I know here personally, we've turned our world in our life over the care of God. And he's taking care of us.

And we just be tripping. That's all. We'd be tripping. We forget. Like, I forgot their microphone was right there.

We just we space out. And I forget that God is taking care of me. I I all of a sudden, I started hearing your problems and I started hearing your fear and I started hearing your lack of step 3 and then I start acting as a conduit and I take that shit off. And I forget, you know what? I'm all I'm taking care of.

I don't need to be afraid because you're afraid. Maybe God's got you talking to me about your fear because I'm not in it. I don't know it because when you're out there on the streets, man, and somebody is talking to you about something, man, in order to get a free drink, you gotta really feel what they're talking about, you know. You gotta really get down in the room and go, yeah. I don't know.

Yeah. He is a bitch. Give me a yeah. You know, today and a, I don't have to prostitute my recovery today. If if you're feeling like crap and I'm not, that's okay.

And it's okay for me to feel like shit and for you not to feel like shit because God may be using that to get us both out of ourselves, you know. And I and I trip off of that because when I was newer than I am now, I used to really believe that when people used to tell me, I know exactly how you feel. Something just really rubbed me the wrong way with that. It's like I just got fired from my job, you know, and you're driving around with a car tech full of gas, you know, look you know, living good, having sex every night, They're gonna tell me you know exactly how I feel. You know?

It's a it's a farce. What I what I what I like about AA members is, you know, the big book talks about it. You know, I felt like that. I have felt like that before and this is what I did, or this is what I didn't do, or this is what I'm still doing. Come join us.

Come join us. I don't think anybody here has all the answers, especially the guy you're listening to, but we do know how to live in the solution today. You don't need all the answers in order to live in the solution. Found that out after having about 10 years. I thought that all the stuff that I was learning from you women and men was some sort of a key to having all the answers.

And all you guys and guys were just telling me is that this is how we live in this solution. This is how we live with unresolved issues. You know, this is what we do. Come join us. We do not want to join you.

Little comer. You know, it says we care. Don't say you care. We know you don't care. You're probably much younger than having a drink right about now.

But we care because we've been there and done that. We have the pain, the experience, and the twelve steps to prove it. You know? And that's what I've been laying around here. Especially when we're all done talking.

Because a lot of times you can go to a meeting and you can hear a lot of good stuff, but it's like, I don't know how to leave a meeting and think to myself, why the hell did I tell them that? You know, all that fucking talking. And why didn't I get open and and and why didn't I do it? And the reason why is because I'm afraid of cat. I've always been afraid of cat.

My brother was a bully, and I let him know it by doing what he told me to do and not ask him any questions. And, today, I don't know if bullies basing me around. You know, I I just don't. I believe today that Alcoholics Anonymous is the only thing that's ever gonna work for me. You know?

I I believe that Alcoholics Anonymous, and this is where I really kinda get far fetched, but I believe that we need to really be careful with our staff. I've been going to a lot of different meetings and what frightens me about LA is, looking at it from the inside out, it's like, you know, man, we have one singleness of purpose here. And we can't do all things for our people. Know, that's how the Washingtonians imploded and that's how the oxford's kinda faded off the scene. Trying to do all things for all people.

That's why I'm I'm not here to do all things for all people. I'm trying to practice these principles in all my affairs and that's it, you know. And sometimes I think we just get a little too carried away, especially me. Mhmm. Especially me.

People don't wanna hear that. You know? I was gonna be in a few months ago. This guy was down there sharing, you know? My birthday is on this day.

So I wanna start my sobriety over so my real birthday and my AA birthday can match. Thanks for letting me show. And we just heard a clap for her, you know. And I just oh, I just ride out of the book. Oh, I just ride out of the book.

It just tripped me out and I just I just and it's like, look at us. And we're all and and I saw, like, 4 or 5 people going, yeah. Right on. That shit scares me with over 10 years sober. You know, people changing their sobriety date and they don't have a feeling, you know.

Change the sponsors because the sponsor wear a red hat instead of a blue one. All this merry-go-round stuff, man. And I try to watch the parade is what, guys like Jim and and and Susie, show me. Just watch the parade. Just watch it, you know.

And one night, I called my sponsor here recently and I just told him, you know, thank you for putting up oh, there's another one of our favorite melodies. The alcoholic top twenty list is right. Well, I'm sharing. And I just called him and said thanks for putting up with all bullshit. Thank you, sir.

And he just laughed because he knows I'm at that point. I I sponsor a lot of guys and it's just like, sometimes it could be a little overwhelming, you know. And I feel spiritually depleted, you know. Because I'm only human. And only alcohol except for a not sad as well.

And have you ever heard an alcoholic dog identify? But I'm only human, though, and I just I I I get up and I and I look at these little Christian Judeo type books. These little meditation books in the morning, and I sit there and I read them and I try to understand what they say and I close them, and I get on my knees, and I ask god to keep me sober, and I walk out the door, and I go and screw up and make mistakes. And then I come back tonight and I say thank you. You know?

If you knew and if you knew, that's how simple it really is. And everything in between that that you're drinking over is a lot. And I can go on out and say that because I'm not a star. You know, I'm not doing anything special or different than what I'm supposed to do around here and then we get the results of my drink. You know?

And, I don't appreciate being put on this pedestal just because we're doing what we're supposed to do. That's dangerous for guys and guys like us. Don't put me on a pedestal because I'm doing what my sponsor tells me to do. You know, get busy. There's work to be done.