The Fellowship of the Spirit in Silver Creek, CO

My name is Don Si. I'm an alcoholic. Hello everybody. My sobriety date is, August 10, 1978. And, I am from the Mohican nation.

And my Indian name is Tantanqawamblee. And, it's just really an honor for me to be here, you know, this evening. But before we do get going, there's, one thing I, I was taught to do. And, and especially after I got sober for a while, and I went back and I talked to, you know, our elders. And, one of the things they said that I should do is, is to always smudge and, so just with your permission, it just takes a few seconds.

I'd like to do that. For those of you who may be familiar with that, it's just the burning of the sage leaves. And the sage is a medicine plant that has for for purification. And so, it's put in a bowl, and then, It starts to burn smoke. In the smoke, the medicine comes out, the purification medicine.

And, then what I will do the smudging with is this eagle's fan. This is from my eagle's wing that was given. And these are, in our culture, is very sacred. And, when you allow the medicine to come on the wing And as the medicine getters on the wing, then as you like an eagle's wing will fly through the air, then it shoots that medicine across the whole place. And what it allows is everything to interconnect, and, that's the way oh, and I see some of you know what this is.

So this is good. And so that's the way I was taught to to do that. Then also I'm going to, place it on a red cloth here. Because also it's in our tradition that says that whenever you are in the presence of an eagle feather, you're not supposed to lie. And I am an alcoholic, so I think I won't.

Put that out there. I was thinking setting up your thinking, I would have that ego feather on one side and Frank on the other one. Here you go. I think they call it a sandwich or something. So maybe I'll start, I'll tell you my my best Indian joke that I know.

And then, long time ago there was this little Indian boy, was in this boarding school up in the northern part. And, he's attending this boarding school, and there's this teacher there that, she was always watching for these little Indian kids that seem to have it, you know, the superstars, and so she happened to notice this one little Indian kid, and he was he was pretty good, you know, good in math and good in science and he liked charisma, and she watched him. And, finally she said, here's one of them. So she called him up in front of the room there, and she said, just a little Indian boy, she said, you know, she said, you can have the ability to go far. She said, you're smart, the creator has given you a lot of blessings.

And she says, as I watched you, she said, the only problem you have, she says, is you just lie a little bit. She's not like big lies, but just little lies. And she said, that's that's not good. She said, so maybe I'll help you correct that, so when you grow up, she said, then you tell the truth and, everything will go your way. So he said, okay teacher, that would be good, you help me.

So a couple days later, I was out in the hallway, and talking to some other kids, and he's telling this little story, and she caught him. He's lying, so she caught him aside. She says, you know, that's what I was talking about. She said, you wasn't telling the truth. Oh, teacher, thanks for reminding me, he said.

So a couple of days later out in the playground, and she catches him lying again, she pulls him aside, coaches. Weeks go on, he keeps lying, she keeps coaching. She tried psychology 300 series, 400 series, 500 series, everything she knew. Little kitty, he just want to quit lying, you know. So finally she called him up in front of her class on Friday night, and she said, sit down.

Oh, he sit down. She said, that's it. I try everything I know. You're always lying. I can't get you to quit.

She said, next time I catch you lying like I'm gonna take you right to the principal's office. God, he stood up. He says, man, don't, no, don't do that. Don't make me go up to see the man, you know. No little kid likes to go up and see the principal.

He just begged, don't don't don't. He's alright. So weekend went by, Monday morning he come in, and boy, he was excited. He come up to the teacher, teacher, teacher. He said, you can't believe it.

He said, me and my dad, we went had a weekend by ourselves, father son. He said, we hiked, we camped, and said, we cooked and had to talk, you know. So Sunday, he said, we went down there about lake, fishing, he said, fished all day, only caught 2 fish, he said, dad caught 1, and he said, I caught 1, and he said, teacher, it was trout. He said, those trout was a £100 a piece. God, teacher, that was this long.

She said, that's it. That's it. She grabbed him by the ear and down the hallway, right up to the principal's office. She took him in there and she sat him right in that chair. So of course, she didn't kind of inform the principal what was going on there.

So the principal leaned forward and he said to this little Indian boy, he said, heard you had a good weekend. God had a great weekend. He said, boy, me and my dad, we went camping fish and caught 2 fish with a £100 a piece. So principal leaned back in the chair and he kind put his fingers together like that. He said, you know, sometimes, he said, you do have to fight fire with fire.

He said, psychology stuff don't work. So he leaned forward. He looked at that little Indian boy, and he said, you see, you know, me and my wife went for the weekend camping with man to woman talk, he said. We're watching butterflies and birds, he said. Really had a marvelous time.

Saturday night, he said, we cooked this big supper. Around the campfire, and he said, cleaned up everything, we sat in front of our tent, and he said, all of a sudden, these bushes moved on one side. So this big grizzly bear came running into camp, he said, walked around that fire really slow, headed right towards me and my wife. And we sat there. This is fine.

We've seen a bush move on the other side. Bush moved a little bit, said, this little chihuahua dog come running into camp. You see that chihuahua dog, it looked at that bear, and he said, run right over that bear, jump right on that bear's back. He said, run up by his neck. He said, bit that bear in the neck as that grizzly bear dropped down dead.

Well, a little boy looked at that, principal, and a principal looked back at that little Indian boy, and he sat there looking at one another. Find a little boy, he just stood up with a big smile on his face and he said, sir, he said, I'll have you know I'm the proud owner of that dog and that's the second bear kill this month. They would say, when you do this, you tell your story, what happened, what it was like, and what happened now, What's going on now? And about the best way that I could tell my story, I guess is, and I think the person originally I heard this story from is here tonight. It's a long time ago.

I heard this story, but I remember when he said this story, I related to it right away. He just, you know, sometimes they tell you that, and his reach and grabs your heart. And there was a story about this, boxing match. And it was in this big arena, and it was full of people. They were sitting all around all those seats, and there was 2 down there in that boxing ring.

And they always say the front row for your family, they get always the choice seats, and put a rope there, so they can sit there. So my family was sitting there. And this one corner was this, one in the black trunks, His name was alcohol, and he was over there hanging on the rings. I was in the other corner, the white trunks. And, everything was going like it normally supposed to go.

And, referee called everybody together, explained the rules. I said, no problem. Understand those rules. The bell rang, we come out there, and we started to box around with each other. And, everybody's gonna watch, it was fun.

The bell would ring, we'd go sit down, and it was no big deal. The bell would ring, we'd come out there and start boxing around again, and after the 3rd or 4th round, it seemed like the alcohol got a lucky punch and just snuck one in it. Just really stung me really good. And I kind of stepped back, because it surprised me. And the alcoholic said, oh, that was just a lucky punch.

He said, it's nothing. He said, you can you can whip me. And I could feel that building up inside, because I knew that I could, and I knew it was a lucky punch. So as we got out there a couple more rounds, and pretty soon you started to see it was getting boring. People started leaving, because, it wasn't a good thing to watch.

And as the rounds continued, alcohol would start to sneak in more lucky punches, and each time I'd hit that lucky punch, I'd say, oh, is this a lucky punch? You can whip me. And I said, I know I can. I know I can. I can do that.

Because I felt strong inside. So finally, it got to the point where alcohol was punching a lot more. Most of the people all left, I looked there, my family was sitting there. There's about the only ones left. And I was really focused on the alcohol, and the alcohol was smiling at me.

And and it was giving me that message, and it was: You can whip me. Man, I knew I could, because I was strong. Finally we got a couple more rounds out there, and the alcohol had put me on my knees. I got done under my knees, and it wasn't playing the rules anymore. I started kicking, stomping, doing all this stuff, they ring the bell, I get back to the corner.

And, kept telling me, you can whip me. Finally, one of my sons come up, and they said, dad, they said, let's go. We gotta get out of here. You're not winning this thing. And I said just one more round, man, just one more round.

You just watch, and I went back in there. And I give that alcohol my best shot, and this time it put me right on my stomach. And it wasn't playing the rules there either. It was kicking, stomping. Finally, I looked over and my daughter come up, and she said dad.

She says we're gonna go We're leaving now because we can't take this You come with us. And I looked at her and I said, no. Just one more round. I know I can do it. And so they left, and I went out there one more round, and this time I saw my hands and knees.

I saw my stomach crawling, all I could see was alcohol's tennis shoes. And all of a sudden I had that realization, I said, I know that the alcohol is lying. I can't weapon. And so I called out that arena and I left. And it was very painful calling out of there, and all those thoughts and all those things that you have because you know that everything is gone.

And I got out there and I started to get well. After maybe a month or so, I started thinking about the alcohol. And I said, you know something? I think I know another way. So I thought about that for a while, and I went back into that arena.

And I walked in there, swung those doors open. I told Alcala, I'm back. And he said, I know you would be. And I said, come here to whoop your ass, and he said, I know you can do it, and you come right up here, and I went up there. And I got up there, and this time it wasn't like rounds, the alcohol did the dirty punching right away, I immediately was down, looking at his tennis shoes again.

And, it didn't take very long. I knew that I was, no match. I knew they lied to me, and so, once again I crawled out of there. I got on my hands and knees, I crawled out of there and it really hurt. I got out there and I started thinking, about a month.

I said, there's something I think I know another way. I think I know an old Indian trick I used on him. So I went back into that arena, swung those doors open, and I said, Alcohol. I said, uh-huh. I said, I'm back.

The alcohol said, I knew you would be. I've been waiting for you. And so I went in there, and didn't even let me get in the ring this time, So it didn't play fair. And it was August 9, 1978. I crawled out of there, and I didn't crawl back in.

I didn't have to go back in there no more. But I took what it took. And when I left that arena, it was when I come into AA. Seriously. I was in AA before.

In and out, slipping, doing those things. But when I came back that last time, I'm telling you, I was ready. I didn't, I have, any resistance because the alcohol is the reason I came back in. I knew there was no other place to go, there was nothing to do. And it was an alcohol, it was an AA that I had to come to.

And I come into AA, and I started to do things that I wouldn't do before, one of which was, get a sponsor. And so, I watched, been watching this guy for a long time. I didn't like him. But there was something about him I did like, and it took a lot of days to go up and to ask this man if he would help me in this work. And so, he said, well, sit down.

So I sit down, and, at the table, and it was in York Street in Denver. And, he said, he looked at me, you know, for a long time, and he's kinda shook his head, and he said, no, I've been watching you for a long time. In and out, in and out. And he said, I've been in this program a lot of years. He says, I watch you Indian guys come in here.

Hang out, leave, hang out, leave. You see, you guys just don't make it. Something's going on here, he said. You guys don't make it. And he kept, talking like that, and I hated that how he was, talking down to me like that.

You Indian guys, you ain't gonna make it. And I remember, he just you know how you got a little puppy, and then you rub that puppy's face, and it gets mad, and when you rub it, it gets mad. That's how I felt like that little puppy. It's just like she was just rubbing like that, and rubbing like that. And I remember I said that he kept rubbing my face and telling me like that.

And I remember I I said to him, I was thinking to myself, I kind of leaned forward and I looked at him and I thought, I'll show you, you white son of a bitch. I saw you get sober, let's just see if you'll, you know, ever. But I think that's where I was at that time, and I think in his own way, he kind of realized maybe the only thing I had to work with was some anger. I didn't have any kind of other feelings or stuff. I just had that.

And so I went on and, we had continued our talk. And he showed me this big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. He opened it up and showed me how much 164 pages. Was. He says, this is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Now, if you are willing to do exactly what it says in these 164 pages, He said, this program isn't about coming in and slipping, coming in and slipping. What this program is about is never drinking again, that you will die sober. You will never have to drink again. And I'd never heard it said that way. I heard it say, whoever gets up the earliest, is the most sober.

I heard it said many ways, and that's, you know, keep coming back and all that stuff. He made no bones about it. What this program is about is staying sober, providing us willing to do some things. Then he went on to say some other things. He said, there are some things I'm not.

He said, I'm not your taxicab. I'm saying, your banker. You know, I ain't your motel, I ain't your daddy, you know, whatever. But anyway, he told me these things that he wasn't. But he says, I'll tell you some things that I will be.

He said, one of those things, he said, I will be your friend. And he talked to me about the friendship. He says nothing to do with you, what your decisions are. He says, I will decide to be your friend, whether you drink again or not. He said, that's one thing you can count on.

I will be your friend. He said the next thing you can count on is, he said, I'll share some experiences with you. He says: Because I know about how to stay sober. And he said: You little brown zone, bitch, you don't know. He said: There's something I know that you don't know.

And that's hope, because I know something you don't. And he went on to say, he says, and we work together because we both want to work together. We don't have to work together. Anything that you don't like, you just quit working with me. Anything I don't like, I'll quit working with you.

But he said, we will work together because if we choose to do that. And so then he sent me off with this big book, and he showed me these pages where these 12 proposals are. And he said, I want you to go look at each of these 12 proposals. And you look at each one of them, and you ask 2 questions. One question you ask is, do I want to do this step?

I was to read step 1 and say, do I want to do this? Then I was asked the second question am I willing to go any length to do that step? And I had to go through all 12 of those proposals, ask, answering those 2 questions. But I see, I think what he was really doing, he set me up for later on, as I saw later on, it was a setup. Because I come back whining, he'd say, I thought you said you wanted to do this.

Or I come back and I tell you said you was willing to go to any link. Didn't you change your mind? No, I didn't change my mind. You said you want to do it? I want to do it.

Then what the hell are you calling me for? Go do it. But you see? But I got into that, and I started to look into these proposals. You know, I looked at that big book, and the first time I saw that big book, it was the most boring book I ever saw in my whole life.

It was really a boring book nor could I find any instructions in it. I've they were saying the instructions was in that book, but I could never find them. I didn't know what that meant. And so I got into that and, I started to understand about what it meant there's instructions in there. And I was told how I had to read this many, many times.

This first 43 pages has to do with step 1. Then I was shown on page 52, there's 12 there's a paragraph that's called unmanageability paragraph. And I was to look at that paragraph, there's some statements in there. We were having trouble with personal relationships, and I was to turn it into a question. I was to look at my personal relationships, and my unmanageability in regards to those, and in emotional nature.

So I started to take a look at that, and I never I I guess I had never thought about looking at it that way. It says we had to have a different point of view. And I got through that step 1, and I started to see there's some major stuff happening in my life. It was wrong, because that by the time I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, it was, it was gone. I had, 3 children.

I had to go through a divorce. I was 1,000 of dollars in debt. I was really messed up. And, and to come into a program and start to hear about sobriety and, you know, it's it's and it wasn't like, I didn't have the the the removal of that. There were times I wanted a drink during this first, years of sobriety, And it would just seem that I was hearing it up in meetings to keep it up.

I remember this one time I left York Street, and I was, you know how you get that nervousness and you you start all this stuff, and you know what you're gonna do. And I sat there in this meeting, and, I was, I I it was the stupidest meeting I ever heard, and, no one is making any sense, I couldn't pray. I won't call Frank, because you'd hear, well, you said you wanted to do it, you know, and all this other crap. So I didn't wanna talk to him. Finally, I, you know, and I was so damn miserable, I just said, if this was the sobriety's, but I want nothing to do with this crap.

I said, I'm just gonna go drink. So I got in my car and I was headed towards the Purple Turtle, It was a bar on on. Some of you guys probably know what that is. But anyway, I was headed there, and I remember I was, going down 8th Street and, Denver General was there. And I had heard, somewhere in a meeting somebody said something weird, like, when all else fails, go work with another drunk.

And I don't even know if I know what that meant for sure, but I turned into the Denver General. And I went up there to detox center then, and I went in there, and I recognized one of the people who worked there was, I recognized her from the program. Well I didn't know even what to tell her. You know, I'm standing there just, trying to figure out what to say, and but she had been wrong long enough. She says, I bet you need to talk to a drunk.

And I said, yeah. So she put me in this room with this, I think he was a Mexican guy, he couldn't speak English, I couldn't speak Mexican, he was all bandaged up. So I'm talking to him and he's, you know, probably trying to tell me to get the hell out of there. I don't know exactly what he was saying, but the point of it is is I sat in there and I I looked at him and when I left I didn't feel holy, I only felt different, But different enough, I got my car, I didn't go there, and I went back home. And so whenever I found out, whenever that would happen, if I could get to Denver General, and this is about the 1st 6 months, I walk in there and she'd say room 5.

And I would go in there, and that really was true, because I didn't even know it said that in the big book, but it did. But when a thing sets in, I now understand what that is. And so that was really helpful, you know, for me to do that. Then I was taught taught how to go to that chapter, we agnostics were step 2. And I went into that, and I found out how to look in those 9 areas.

Looking at this, that the possibility or that hope that step 2 gives. And I was looking to the same 9 areas, personal relationships, emotional nature, which today I call creating a vision. It's like, a picture of moving towards something. And I like the way that word step is worded, as it talks about, you came to believe. And what I I understand very early about this step, it didn't mean you had to believe it.

You had to mean, like, would you be willing to believe that this power exists? Would you be kind of willing to possibly believe that maybe this power would exist? Would you be doubtingly willing to kind believe that maybe that this power does exist? Now, it's taught any of those was enough. Well, every little bit you can hang on to and I didn't have that much to hang on to.

And I come in and I took that step. And so then I was, taught where to look for the instructions for step 3. And I remember, going through that step 3. One thing that I really was grateful for, whoever it was that added those words, God, as you understand him. Because the time I come in, I didn't really I was raised in, from mission schools and a lot of different beliefs I had about God.

But I remember this one particular time, I come from a family of 7, I remember my brother was killed. This is when we were all still drinking. And he was killed and I waited for them to cover his grave and I waited there. And when they left, I stood on his grave and I looked up and I told God to go walk himself. I saw I never asked you for nothing, and I didn't.

I never prayed. I never said anything. Because I felt that a God that did something like that wouldn't. And so I had some funny concepts. I had this blockage in some things about this.

But thanks to you and, you know, I when when I first came in the year that I was slipping, what I call that power I heard you could call him a doorknob, and I could hear, you no, I I wasn't right in that spot to call him a doorknob. But I was in a spot where I made a decision initially to call this power Charlie. And the reason I called it Charlie was this guy I met in, college when I was there. I really liked him. He really was respectful to me, and so I just kinda picked that name.

And so, when it came time to do this third step, I went over to this sponsor's place, and, we got there, and he talked to me about that third step. All those things that to understand about self will run right and running on self propulsion and being the actor, and we went through that almost line by line like it was an instruction. And that was a question in that part of the big book. I was to answer that question And I remember, when we got done with that then, I didn't know about taking how you took a 3rd step or nothing, but we got done on our knees me and this man and we had a big book and I was taught then he would read that 3rd step prayer, and then I would read that 3rd step prayer. And I remember that's what we did.

We got on our knees, and we read that 3rd step prayer. And there was something happened there. I did not sure I knew what it was. But what I knew what it was, was a cat. There was a cat there.

And cats, and I always had an understanding. I don't like them, they don't like me, you stay away, I stay away from you. But that cat came to me, and I could feel there was something that went on there that night. Then I said, when we got done, I said, what next? You reach Janice chair and you pull out a legal tablet, a ruler.

And when by the time I was done there, I was starting to write inventory. And I wrote the inventory, and I was taught to write that in the column inventory. And so I wrote my inventory, and, I did the resounding inventory for your inventory and sex inventory. And, I also was told that you had to tell all. You had to tell everything.

And there was some there was quite a few things that I had done, I just assumed that I not tell them. And I I put them under the category of the dark crannies. So I wrote the dark crannies on a separate sheet of paper. I didn't put them exactly in with the inventory. And when it came, when I and I carried that in my pocket.

And, when it came time that 5th step, I knew this I I this day came that feeling start to sit in and I knew this was gonna happen. I was either gonna 5th step or drink, and I didn't want to do that 5th step so I called The sponsor he wasn't there. I couldn't get a hold of him. I called another guy. He wasn't couldn't get a hold of him called another guy And I didn't know how to ask him, I didn't know him really well.

But, finally, I was kind of stumbling with my words, and he said, he said, do you need a 5th step? And I said, yeah. I said, I really need to. So I went over to his place, and, I read that document, and, I read the res the, resentment inventory, fear inventory, and a sex inventory, and he was very, very helpful and, helping me see some things that I didn't see, but when we got done, he said, he says, well, is do you have you Have you told everything? Do you have it all?

And I remember, sitting there in one part of me was saying, tell him, Yan, get out. And the other thing I had heard enough in the program that I knew you had to tell all, but I had things in there was, legal issues, sexual issues, and I there were some things that I didn't want anyone to know that I did those things. And while he's making the next pot of coffee, he was, he was telling me some things about his story. He got into some pretty juicy stuff, you know, about what he did. And I remember, sitting there thinking, where I was at the time, I thought, you know, he told me some juicy stuff, so I thought, okay son of a bitch, I got it now.

Because if you tell on me, I'll tell on you. And that's just kind of what I was thinking about. But I didn't know that. We was in a whole different spaces. He had freedom and I didn't.

And he was doing it from freedom, and I was doing it from fear. And so I went through and I read the rest of that, to him. And when I got done, I was told to go home, and this is his instructions in here on what you're to do when you get back home. And I need to review those 5 proposals to see have you missed anything. And so I got home and, one of the instructions it says that you thank God from the bottom of your heart that you know him better.

And I was taught that that's there's instructions that are in the big book. Every sentence almost is like an instruction. Something that you do. So I got home and I, I got on my knees, and, I was just talking. At first I was I was just thinking about what the heck was going on my life.

I couldn't believe I was doing this stuff. I couldn't believe, you know, to me it really didn't seem like that stuff worked. Like it was working and I remember I had this little inside bow to myself. I said, you know something? This is what I'm gonna do.

I Said I'm not gonna say this out loud, but I'm gonna I'll go ahead and I'm gonna work these proposals, but to the 5th step, but if I personally don't see something different than 5th step, when I get done with it, I ain't doing the rest of that shit. That's about halfway, so I thought I'm gonna try that and if it ain't if I don't see something, you know, because I didn't want to go on people saying, oh, you know, you got a light in your eyes and there wasn't I have no light in nothing. I was miserable. No, it wasn't like that for me. But I remember when I sit there in my apartment and I all of a sudden I started to have this feeling There's something that was going on inside of me.

And so I was sitting there and I was talking to Charlie about that. And all of a sudden, I found myself praying, and I started to use the word God, and I wasn't using Charlie anymore. And I found that this was, was happening, almost like automatically. Then I looked at those promises in the 5th step, and I started to sense that there was something I could feel that nearness of their creator. Just like you said, I could feel that.

And some of that stuff that I had, that guilt and that shame and stuff, I could tell it wasn't it was gone. There was something happened inside, a certain freedom. You see that happened in that. Then out of that, I got my list of character defects. And then I was taught on how to become willing to have the creator remove those defects of character.

And I remember, it didn't it was sort of like I had to tell us I had sometimes I have to hear stories. I don't know. Maybe that's the way I was raised or something, to understand something. But he told me that step 6 and 7 is so simple, but so difficult to do. But I heard this guy tell a story one time.

He said, he says, supposing that you have this, stove, and what you're gonna do is, bake this cake. So you get this pan, and you put all that flour and sugar, and you stir it up. Get the oven to 350. Now what you wanna do is bake that cake. You said you gotta open up the door, you gotta take that cake, and you gotta stick it in the oven.

Then close the oven door, and allow that stove to bake that cake. And he said, you, he says, that's like your defects of character. He says, once you are willing to put them in the oven, or give them to the Creator, then you let the Creator it's his job to bake that cake. He says, but you keep peeking in the oven. Keep peeking in the oven.

It wasn't it's not theirs. It's God's will. I must have done something wrong. He said, put it in there and leave it alone. Don't be peeking at it.

And so then I started to see, you know, some of what they were saying, you know, don't peek in there, don't be taking it over, leave it in there. And so, I had a lot of shifting started to take place. I could tell. Then I got into my amends, and I had a lot of amends to make. And, the first pass through, and once in a while, even yet today, I didn't do my amends right.

I didn't listen a lot to amends on how to make them. I read the instructions by us in a hurry. So I made my amends in 3 columns, light con light amends, medium amends, and hard amends. I put it in 3 columns. So I chose some light amends, and I went out there and did 3 of those, and it was really cool, and it went really fine.

So I said, this is really cool. You just go there and you tell them this stuff, you know, and it went really good, and they were hugging me and everything else, and happy for me. So I went to the next column, and I chose another amend. So I went out there in this amend, that I made. What I did is I had, just written some things to make sure I said it.

And so I went to this person and I read this document, and I made the And I And I said, well, look it. I'm in this program, and I'm writing these amends, and, this is how I see the amends. And we got in a big fight. And so I had to go back and make amends, you know, for making amends. And those are tough ones to go back and, you know, the second time.

But, one of the things that I was taught, it was very adamant about making these amends in person and making them very thoroughly. And, eventually I was taught to write them out. And I found out today, I still need to write my amends out. Because if it gets something goes wrong I can change my mind or lighten it up a little bit or at least something out, you know, this way I know if I write it then I I know my intent when I go there to do that. And so I got, I got through those amends.

One amend I kept in an envelope for almost I just made the amend. I didn't know where this person was. And by one of these accidents, I was up in, Michigan here, just about 6 months ago walking around a parking lot, and this person is hollering at me. And I didn't even know this person. We both got so darn old, we didn't recognize, hardly recognize one another, but they recognize me.

And that was, last amend I made from that very first, amends that, I had carried at. And, that was really a very powerful amends. Then I got into steps 1011, those maintenance steps, and it took a while, to find out the power about those steps. And I was taught by this initial man that took me through the steps, that what this step was is about power. It's about power now, and you can't mess with it.

That you mess with it, you get hurt. And I have messed with it, and I have gotten hurt by doing that. And so then I was taught also to go through those steps every year, to go back to them again, and go back through them again. And one of the primary reasons I was told is that, I was told that your ego, the ego always works right on where you have your shit together. Right?

Where you think you're cute, you're sweet, you're hot, you're spiritual. And I invariably, I find that this is true. Right where you think you're so cool. That's where it breaks. And I find each time through that work, I don't believe Like I have already done a set of going through set of steps.

I said I'm going to write how it's going to come out thinking And it didn't come out that way, and it never does and there's the magic there So I started going through those steps And I remember when I was 4 years sober, I was going through this work and, would have been period about 30 days or so. I remember, I went crazy. I just went like nuts. I couldn't pray. I hated meetings.

I didn't want to read a big book, everything was stupid. I was not getting along with people, starting to get in trouble at work, people getting on my nerves, I was judgmental, wanted to run, think about leading. And so I went up, to Denver, outside of Denver, and I talked to this Indian elder. Because by then I had learned, this. When I was about 2 years sober I Had met this Indian elder who also was in the program.

He was sober a long time. Now he's struggling and he said, you know, he said you're gonna have to go back home. He said you're gonna have to go back and make the culture a part of you, what your recovery is. And so, I went back home, and I started doing some things around the spiritual way The old way. I remember I went back home.

I I was really ashamed to go back there because I wasn't raised to do the things that I was doing that I had done, but I got back there and the elders was very happy to see me And so I took them these 12 proposals one time. This was during the time, I was, working with Frank, I have to say that, but he had me do this inventory about being Indian, because he says that being Indian will get you drunk. And And I didn't know what the hell he meant. You know, but I found out what he meant when I went through that. And that was one of the strongest inventory, because I had all these beliefs about Indians and prejudice and white, and I had all these darn beliefs about that, and they weren't bothering me.

But he saw that if I kept that up, that eventually I would be in trouble. So I went back and I took these proposals to the elders, and I said, this is, I must said, you know, this is a program of recovery that I'm in. And I said, I'm trying to blend this, get things together. How do what do I do? So they said I want to ask you about these proposals.

So they went and they asked me about everything and I explained each one of them as I could and what they said. They said that's not a separate way. That's the same way that we do it. That's just in our culture. They said the only thing that we would do different, they said, put them in a circle.

Because we all think everything's in a circle. So they said you put steps 1, 2, 3 in the east, like the sun. That's a direction about finding God, or the creator, or the higher power. Put steps 4, 5, 6 in the south. And that's that direction about finding yourself, the inventory steps.

Put 7, 8, 9 in the west. That's the sunset direction, the forgiveness, the letting go. That's the direction about finding your relatives, establishing your relationships with others. In 1011, 112 in the North. They said in that north, that's the direction of the elders, then that wisdom, it can come for you.

And so I started to work the steps that way, then he started to show me that every step had a ceremony That and I didn't know how the old people did Reflection. They always did reflective thinking. This wasn't new, but they just did it another way And he said that before you go to step just through a set of steps, they said go out there take your drum, sing 4 songs. And then you wash yourself and the earth, the dirt of the earth. You know how animals clean themselves like chickens and birds?