Steps 5, 6 and 7 at the Fellowship of the Spirit in Dublin, Ireland

I'm begging for silence. Someone just went, shh, and everyone be quiet. I want what you got. My name is Pete. I'm a recovered alcoholic.

And, grateful to be here and glad you guys are still here. This right now, I will tell you, is the toughest part of the workshop because, it's after lunch, and it's, 2:30. And, usually, it's nap time. So, I thank you guys for coming back and hanging in there with us to do this deal. And we're gonna talk a little bit, about 8, 9, maybe some 6 and 7 stuff.

And, we'll take a little break, Dan's gonna make, an announcement or 2. And we'll, have some time for q and a, after this session if you guys have any questions about the body work we've done this so far. So, Some of the current things I'm working with, along with prayer meditation, a lot of, books, a big book talks about, be quick to see religious people write, make use of what they offer that we may find inspirational books to work along with, not instead of. And I take I've taken lots of different things into, my prayer meditation practice. And currently, I'm working with, and I I'm not reading, but working with a few different books.

And I've had neat experiences with books and meditation books. You know, those books that have, like, a prayer for the day, and you kind of set your day up like that. This one book I I worked with for for quite some time, and I always like to share a piece that came out of this, that was very helpful for me. And I would read this and and sit with it in in a meditation, probably, for about 6 months. And it says, to breathe and know you're alive is wonderful.

Because you are alive, everything is possible. Practice and continue. Don't waste a single moment. Every moment is an opportunity to breathe. Every moment is an opportunity to experience God.

Through your daily life walk in mindfulness, making peaceful happy steps on our planet, breathe deeply and enjoy your breathing. Enjoy being alive. And it kinda goes along with what I was sharing about earlier about, presence and having a life of invitation, being mindful of the moment from moment to moment to moment without duality, Went to lunch and come here. Was lunch 1 person and the podium person 2 different people. You know, get back to the hotel.

What's that look like? Get to the airport. What that looks like? You know, when customers want to go through all your luggage, how are you then? You know, but mindful of the moment.

It's real easy when I travel to get attached to, I gotta get there. I'm here now, but I gotta get there. Like, when you're in traffic, I'm here, and I I gotta get there. And and you're you're you're fighting, you know, in your mind. You're you're crawling over people to get there.

And with this, very often, you know, you see, I'm and I'm in the ticket line or or or or or the customs line, and usually getting pulled out of line. Excuse me. You come over here. I was telling Danny, Dave about that in London. There was, like, 200 people in the customs thing, and I'm trying to be a real good American citizen.

And he said, you, over here. I think it was that. I must have alcoholic across my forehead. But, mindful of the moment and grateful for breath. We get to experience this.

Right now is a new moment we've never experienced before. Right now. It's a new now, and so is this moment, and so is this one. And it's so easy to get caught up in, well, it's 2:30, and we're we're planning later on, and the traffic we may catch home, and tomorrow morning, and Monday's back at work. And I hate my boss, and the secretary just hide.

Boy, boy, I gotta fire her. What about the kids that have to go to a soccer practice? And it's Saturday at 2:30, and we're into Wednesday now. Right? But just be here.

And each moment, we get to experience the mindfulness of each moment. That makes life a really neat way to go. And that doesn't mean we avoid planning. We plan. I plan out my calendar.

Someone like Dan calls, hey. Can you come here to speak? I don't just say, yeah. I need to look, make sure I don't overbook, and make sure there's no family things going on. Sometimes I have to reschedule things.

Right? Myers is gonna be, with with his brother Chris up in in Boston in November, and I was gonna do that. I planned that out, and then a family deal came up, and I had to replan. That's a weak plan. Right?

But no attachments. The same thing with this journey, we can get easily attached to, what the journey looks like, how it's gonna feel, how I'm gonna be, what I'm gonna sound like, what it's gonna look like. And we get it consumed with attachment to an outcome rather than right now. We get to consume an attachment to an outcome. And the mind and the ego demands to know what that's going to look like.

And rather than being consumed with that, let's pay attention to being, which is right here now we experience presence. What the mind and the ego wants what the mind and the ego demands is to have God on a spreadsheet. 2 and 2 is 4. That's God. Got it.

See you later. I got God figured it out. Now books says about comprehending and defining God. When we can't, we just experience it. So just be with the book.

When we're going through the steps and, you know, how's it gonna be? Where where am I gonna go? What's gonna happen to me? None of our business. Just be with the book.

It'll be sacred wherever we land. Just be with the book, and detach from the thinking mind. Here's something I sat with. No mind, n o w I mean, n o, not k n o w. No mind equals gives me total presence, which gives me peace.

Now, the ego gets in the way and says that, well, I can't listen to that. I need to know what it's gonna look like. And we go into fear because we can't put God on a spreadsheet. And someone gave me this, my sponsor, what I don't know I fear, and what I fear I dislike. Oh, you're in the big book.

I never did the big book before, but I'm gonna give Danny an opinion on experience I never had. Those big book people, those non big book people, those step workers, those non step I'm gonna give an opinion on something I don't have an experience with because what I don't know, I fear, and what I fear, I dislike and sometimes hate. And I'll go to war with you. And I'll conceptualize everything including God because I can't get it. And the disease and discomfort is within me, not no one else.

Myers talking about 6 and 7, the great change he experienced in that. The great change we experienced not only in 6 and 7, which those two steps point to, but the change we experienced going through this work. And for some of us, change is a little scary, but there's greater pain in not changing than the change itself. We're experiencing a huge spectacular upheaval and right away we hold on to what we used to know, no matter how discomfort comforting it is. But there's greater pain in no change than in the change itself.

What I need to know is God's pulling me through that change. Thomas plant, God does the growing. Doctors operate. God does the healing. I suit up and show up to the altar with a spirit of willingness, and God will do the changing and move me through that.

I need to get clear of that. And if I don't have a sponsor who's clear of that, I'll never get clear of it. But a good teacher sponsor will give me this information based on their own experiences also and say, hey, this is where you're moving. Where Where are you gonna land? I don't know.

But this is my experience with this. I had an experience with 6 and 7, second or third time through the work. And, I had just finished my 5th step sat in our quiet time. Thank God from the bottom of my heart that I knew him better. Answer the questions.

And, one of the assignments I get to do with 6 and 7 is I get an idea of defects of character that kept showing up. Right? Usually, if you drop them all in a funnel, one word comes out. It's fear. But I had all the list of defects of character, and, I listed them on a sheet of paper, and next to them, I listed the opposite of those defects of character, and I went to god with those.

Thank you for removing these, if this is what it is, and thank you for giving me these, which is what I was given at birth anyway. And god's gonna mold me and tweak it the way he needs to, But I suit up and show up with a spirit of humility. Father, this was revealed to me. Well, I do this work, and I get done. And do the 7 step which has little to do and nothing to do with me but a whole lot about going to God and being service to him and people around us.

Right? And it says, grant the strength that was as we go from here to do your bidding. Amen. That bidding, that strength we're asking for is to go out and do steps 89, enter the world of the spirit, seek more of this power, and give it to others, and work with others in 12. Right?

I get done and with this, and I get moved to go into meditation. And so I go into meditation. And what came out of the meditation was god save me from me, in 6 and 7. Self will do me and faster than the biggest, strongest guy in any bar. Self will do me and quicker than anything out there.

Me. I will do I will destroy me quicker than anyone. And that's what came out of this prayer. Father, save me from me. And I was getting clearer.

But while this was going on, there was an experience that was happening. I later found out I was experiencing the depth of self, which is the aim of this work anyway. Because going into this work, 6 and 7, going into this prayer meditation, I started to experience something I never experienced to this extent, to this degree before, and I felt like I was vibrating all over again. Like, when you first walk in here, or when we got off the plane yesterday, vibrating. When you're new to AA and you walk into a room like this, oh my god, I gotta get out of here, but something keeps you there.

And you, you know, you're trying to put a sentence together, and that's how I was feeling. There were no thoughts of a drink, but I was vibrating. I felt like I never opened up a big book. I felt like I never prayed, never meditated, never went to an AA meeting, was raw right off the street all over again. I said, oh my god.

What's this all about? I call up my sponsors. Mark, here's what's going on with me. He says, you're having an experience. And I said, well, thanks a lot, and hung up the phone.

Thanks, mom. If you're having any experience, don't talk it away. Just be with it. And I finished some more work with 67, back into meditation. Okay.

What was going on with me was this. And I realized this this was a Sunday morning, if I remember correctly, because there was something that was taking place in my home. And my first reaction was to put my hands on the wheel and control the outcome. Take over. But no matter how much I tried to do that, something kept me still.

Something kept me mindful of the moment. Something kept me present. My mind would run wand every once in a while and bring it back. Bring it back. And I stood still that day.

And at the end of the day, it worked out perfect. And I realized if I would have put my hands on the wheel and got involved, I would have had more troubles of my own making. And how many times are my answers for today, tomorrow's problems? I learned a great lesson. What was going on with me then was I was truly experiencing the depth of self, and I had to be leveled once once more.

Ego was getting smashed, manifestations of self were getting smashed, and it feels like we're dying. Like, when you're going through this work, it's incredibly uncomfortable. When we hit the 4th column and 4th step. Who cast to make complete defeat? Look at me in the 4th column.

This is me. Here's my selfish self seeking dishonesty. Here's all my fear. Here it is. Who wants to look at that?

And only because we're willing to go to any lengths and God is pushing us through do we continue to do that. The depth of self is not pleasant. Want to hold on. And maybe this change is a little too drastic right now. I'll do this later.

Spirit moves you. When God's going to move us, we're getting moved, no matter how tight we hold on. That that arch where they talk about in our book, we go through that arch where there's a squeezing that goes on when we move through the archway. God's moving us through, but there's a squeezing that goes on. It gets incredibly uncomfortable.

Squeezing out all that's no good, no useful not useful to us any longer and be filled up with new You're kind of like cleaning your kitchen sink with one of those sponges. What do you do every once in a while? You rinse under water, you squeeze out, and you go back. It's exactly what was going on with me. I was getting squeezed.

It was uncomfortable. I didn't like it. It was painful. I had no idea what was going on with me, nor did I know where I was gonna land. But something deep down within here keep moving.

Keep moving. Keep moving. Great stuff. Incredibly uncomfortable going through it. When I hear folks say, hey.

I'm doing my 4th step. I'm having a great time. I wanna ask them, what 4th step are you writing? Right? The 4th step is not asking about all the wonderful things we did.

Those things aren't getting us drunk unless we're telling everyone about it. Right? And I finished my 5th step, and I showed up to 6 and 7. I got instructions like I just shared. And those are some of the instructions that I follow even till the last time time through the work of getting an idea of what was there, and listening to the opposites of them, and turning to God for that.

That really is part of the spirit of humility in 7 for me. Is, you know, turning to god, father, I really this is what was revealed to me. I'm not demanding you remove this and keep that. It's just a humble offering. These are the defects that has been revealed to me with my sponsor.

And I'm turning everything back to you. It's an extension of our 3rd prayer. I'm turning everything once again back to you, and you're gonna mold with me as you as you see fit. For one reason, let me be of maximum service to you and those around me. And part of that deal is I get strength from you to go out and do your bidding.

Remember earlier I said about how contemporary aid would tell us, hey. We're no longer we're we're always gonna be powerless. My 7 step process, grant me strength to go out from here. You'll do your bidding. Strength, power.

Same thing. We're given great power. On page 76, it says, now we need more action. Now my book doesn't say, hey, you did enough work, take a little time off. Because alcoholism is also very patient, it'll lay around and wait.

And if there's a crack in the armor, it'll make its way through. The only time my book gives me a time frame is after step 5, take an hour, and what do I do in that? It's reflection, some prayer meditation, some questions to be answered, and obviously, some quiet time. So I'm moving. So I finished this work, and it says, we need more action without which we find our faith without works is dead.

When we look at steps 8 and 9, we have a list of all persons we have harmed in whom we're willing to make amends. That comes from my 4th step. It says we did it when we took inventory. The the thing here, the question is, am I willing to make amends to those people on the list? Yes or no?

Am I willing to go to everyone on that list? Yes or no? Without being attached to what it's gonna look like, step 9 will tell me when to go and when not to go because I may cause more harm in going. But I need to suit up and show up to step 8 with a spirit of willingness. Yeah.

I'm ready to go. We subjected ourselves to drastic self appraisal. Step 4. Now we go out to fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt a way to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of my effort to live life on to live on self will and run the show myself.

And the prayer is, it says, if I have under will to do this, I ask until it comes. There's a prayer, a prayer of willingness to go out and make amends. It's a couple of things about this. It says, remember, it was agreed at the beginning that that I would go to any lens for victory over alcohol. From step from step 3 through step 9, they talk about any any lens 3 times.

Because they kind of knew when we got around here, ego may start to get in. Ego may say, hey, you made about 10 amends. You have 40 or 50 more to do, but you can rest now. You don't need to go to any lengths anymore. You make coffee at AA meetings.

You have prospects. You have response. Everyone knows you. External conditions look great. You don't need to go there.

My book knows that, and the book says, remember any lens. Remember any lens. The other two words we pay attention to is where it says damage and debris. Debris because I'm like a tornado wronged to the lives of others. Damage and debris that I need to go back and clean up, not expect others to clean up.

And God has given me the power to go do that stuff. The first time through this work, I made, in an able of 200 direct approaches. An enabled of 200 direct approaches. That has lessened over time going through the work over and over again. But the very first time out, there were about 200 direct approaches and a whole truckload of what I call indirect approaches, where if I would go, I would cause more harm.

Like going back to the to the old relationship and knocking on our door and says, hey, remember that time when a husband wants to know who I am? That's causing more harm. I was real careful about that. Or going out going to make an amends for some financial restitution, but I may get a whole lot of other folks into trouble with me, and I didn't get their consent to go make the amends. Those were my indirect approaches.

We'll talk about those in a minute, but I had to get clear it's Damage and debris caused my my my self living life on self will, and God moves me through it. I was, a long show when I worked on the docks with I don't know if you guys have that out here, like the shipping industry. And it's not exactly the training ground for spiritual growth with these guys. I work with men who were fed up with the day at sunrise, and there I was. There were a lot of truck drivers I worked with, a lot of longshoremen.

My dad was the boss. He was the shop steward. He walked with this impeccable reputation, very proud man, tough man. And, I went to work for him. He hired me.

In about 20 minutes, he was experiencing terror, frustration, bewilderment, and despair. He's my son, but why? And what was happening was, we we would when I first started, we got paid, Wednesday morning. It was our payday. And by Wednesday afternoon, you couldn't find me.

Nor could you find me Thursday or Friday, but I'd show up for Monday looking to borrow money. And my dad would get these stories come back to him. You know, hey. Your kid didn't show up for work. Anyone seen him?

He borrowed $50 off me 2 months ago. What's going on? Things like that. I started to borrow money from people, the wrong type of people. You know, they wanted a little bit back each week from coming to be you know, they would do that instead of beating me up.

And my dad would have to get involved in those scrapes, and I became a good thief. And I was living this type of life, as you would expect, being in the grip of the grapes. Right? And so, along with my dad, my family would get these stories. I had 2 uncles who worked with me, and they would get these stories.

This thing was infiltrating their life. They were experiencing alcoholism, and they're not alcoholic. They were experiencing the isms of my illness, and they're not alcoholic. You see the arrogance and the self centeredness and the narrow mindedness and saying, all I have to do today is not drink and I'm a winner. How arrogant a statement like that is and how it contradicts my big book?

Because I just told you a quick little snippet of my life. My dad and my uncles were directly affected by my alcoholism. Now, I bring my 2 younger brothers into it, my grandparents, and the rest of my family, and other people, relationships, women who cared for me, and I just trample through their life. Because of what own me now own them, it's called alcoholism. The arrogance in getting to a meeting or God forbid ever get to a podium and say, if I didn't drink today, I'm a winner.

What about all of them? And we get this glory of glorious gift called sobriety, and we still settle for just put the plug in a jug and I'm a winner. And we leave them out there to kind of reassemble their lives. When God is saying here, I'm giving you this. Now go and fix all of it.

I'm going to give you the power to go do it. Go fix it. And instead of being a horror of example, become a power of example for what he can do. And so I finally get sober up 1988 and a short time later, I'm starting to go out and make amends. And there were some very challenging amends I had to make.

Emotionally challenging came in the form of me making amends to my dad and my immediate family. There were other challenging amends like going back to employees and say I've been stealing from you for the longest time. A few times I had to sit with other coworkers, and after I made amends to them, and they they were clear on this new path that was put on, can I go and make amends for the money I stole? They would not they would not allow that, because they would lose their jobs. And I realized some of them so would my dad be put in jeopardy because he was supposed to be watching all over this while I was sneaking around.

And what do I do with that stuff? The money I stole and the hours I stole from work. I did a couple of things. I became the best worker on my job. And it wasn't something I woke up one day says, I'm gonna be a great worker today.

Because I'm gonna show everyone how spiritual I am. That's ego coming into the back door. Right? I just got moved to get to work early and stay when they said it's time to go home. And when other guys would leave because they were in the grip of their addiction, I would do their job too, and not tell anyone about it for any kind of pats on the back, which is what I was moved to do along with making direct approaches to the men.

I borrowed money off, I've never paid back, slanted them, Verbally abused them. A lot of things. I made amends. I stepped up to the plate. God gave me the courage and direction to sit down with all of these men.

We used to meet early in the morning in a diner. It's called a hole in a wall diner. And the truck drivers in the long showroom would meet there at 5 o'clock in the morning till, you know, work started. And I would go in and wait for that, you know, have meet my dad and stuff and and and wait for these truck drivers to show up and wait for them outside. Go outside and wait for them.

And I and I you have some time. I need to talk to you. And I would introduce me as I now am to them. And first, when they I remember a few of them, I would say, can I have some of your time? He says, the guy's gonna hit me for more money again.

And how to get past that, and let them know what what I was about. That I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I've been sober this long, and part of my life is clean up the wreckage of my past. Can I have some of your time? And I borrowed money off you.

I borrowed $20 off you 5 years ago and never paid you back. And I'd only gave him the 20, but I gave him the interest because the money's worth different money now. $20 5 years ago is maybe worth 25 today. I did that. So it was some large amounts of money, and I couldn't pay upfront.

So I tried to arrange the best deal possible. And every single one of them was just so embracing of the whole thing. These were these were tough men. They didn't know about AA and, you know, praying and meditating. They're just like, you owe me money.

Give me my money. But when they heard this approach, they listened and they embraced it. And a lot of them were telling me, we're really grateful, happy you're doing this especially for your dad. A few of them would come to me and said, hey, kid. You know, your dad's really proud of you now.

That's all he does is talk about you. See, this awakened spirit directly touches the lives. It affects affects the lives of others even when we think it's not. God keeps that kind of anonymous once in a while. Then it comes back to us being watched when we don't think we're being watched and we're living in the sunlight of the spirit.

What a great testimony to this work and to God. And I would meet with these gentlemen. I remember, there was this one truck driver. He's about 6 foot 12. Is this on 6 foot 12?

That's 7 feet tall. Wow. Okay. It's the afternoon, I know. A little slow.

This guy was as big as the doorway. How's that? That work? And I remember getting it into with this guy. I was looking to, I was doing illegal activities, and he didn't wanna participate.

And I verbally abused this guy with every 4 letter word I can think of in front of other men who want the job. This guy was so big. He could've just his hands were this big. He could've just crushed me. I was a little punk.

And he said nothing that day. Well, some time went back and I and you could this guy had a really booming voice. You could hear him in the next town over, and I heard his voice as he's here. And I knew he was on my amends list. Now I'm praying all this time for the willingness to make amends, willingness to make amends over and over and over again.

And here was this guy, and the first thing my mind said, he don't even remember you. You don't need to do this. Too many people, they're gonna see this. You're gonna look weak and cowardly, but spirits gonna move you, you get moved. And I went up to this guy who remembered me.

I asked for some time, and I started this immense, and he just gave me this big bear hug. And it was done. And he says, your pop is proud of you. That's what most of them told me, you know, because they were all old enough to be my dad. It was done.

And in making the amends, what we do when we do stuff like that, whether we rip people off emotionally or rip them off like with money and possessions, is not only we suit up to the plate, let them know what I did was wrong, but in a sense, we give them back a little bit of self respect and dignity we ripped them off of, that we took away from. No. The way I treated you is improper. You should not be treated that way. We're being let them know we're very much aware of that, and I'm fixing this as best as God allows me.

And I went to my immediate family the first time out through the work, very challenging, sitting with my grandparents, as my my grandmother, my grandfather, both passed on now, sat down and with my grandmother and began to cement. I ripped them off. I ripped them off of money. I ripped them off emotionally. I did a lot of just ugly things showing up to my grandmother's house.

The sweet little Italian woman who would take all of us in for lunch. Right? I show up at a house 3 day after 3 day drunk, and I'm showing up for one reason, to rob the house. And, I sat down with her, and I begin this approach. And my grandfather was sitting next to on the couch, and she's interpreting for him because he didn't understand, English, and he was deafening.

And so she was interpreting what I was saying. And I remember the first thing what he did was wave, and he was, like, telling me it's okay. I was living this life with them for a while. My actions spoke louder than any words I can come up with. And my grandmother began to weep, and my grandfather began to weep.

And if you know me, I weep when I watch cartoons, so I began to weep. What was happening was it was healing. It was being put back together, and now we we kinda commence shoulder to shoulder upon this new journey. And I sat with my kid brothers, and I sat with my dad who was by far the most challenging on an emotional level to make amends with. And I remember getting just a few words out.

My dad gave me words I'll hold on to forever. And he was just really grateful that he had a son back and went on to praise Alcoholics Anonymous. Those meetings as he referred to us as those meetings you go to. Whatever they're doing, you know, keep going there. So I've gone through work a few times and was able to make amends to my ex wife, which was very difficult.

Got to see clear some harms I caused. And the scope of things, they wouldn't appear like, oh, you've done worse than that, Pete. But it was a nonetheless, and I had to suit up and show up and make that right. And not being attached to them saying, okay. Great.

I'm glad you're in AA. I'm so happy for you. I embrace this. The outcome is not in my hands. My dad cleaned off my side of the street.

This is one of the many any lengths we go to. It's vital, life giving when I do, and life threatening if I don't. You we can sit here today, and, you don't have to show go to a show of hands, but you can answer this question to yourself. How many of us think we've had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps? Right?

Maybe someone's kicking back saying, yeah, I had a spiritual awakening result of these steps. Okay. So as we back it up with another question, how many of us have outstanding amends today that we can make without causing more harm, but we haven't made? That we could have made last week, that we could be making this afternoon, we could have made 6 months ago, and we haven't because other things were more important. Have I really had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps?

Was one of my teachers that's preached a million for a 1000000 years as a result of steps 9a half. Why have I really had a spiritual awakening? Maybe I had some experiences along the way, but if I had a true, transformation. See, I'm clear on my amends today, but God may reveal more to me tomorrow. And that's one of my prayers.

I clean up the list, my 8 step list. There's maybe 20 people on the list. I go to all 20, but perhaps there's 30 or 40. And I maybe not will not get to see that until I rework the steps. Or what the great thing to do is talk to other folks about amends.

How are you with amends? Where are you with amends? What's your amends like? And sometimes things surface because it's happened with me. I just thought of 1.

I just thought of 1. I just thought of 1. I just thought of 1. We were going to a meeting, a bunch of guys from Staten Island. We were going into a meeting, and we start talking about amends.

And I realized I had a couple of outstanding amends that didn't even show up anywhere on the radar. But In talking about it, it came up and was to a public school library in Brooklyn. And one was to a liquor store on the lower east side of Manhattan. Barred books when I was a kid, never brought them back. I went into the library.

I told her what I was about, and I'm here to make amends from, like, you know, a 1000000 years ago. She She's had no way of finding it. We had no compute you know, it wasn't on a computer list. I just, well, I like to make a financial donation. She thought a lunacy commission should be appointed for me.

Where did you come from? I'm busy. So back to the indirect amends. I take some of that money that I if I show up and it cause more harm and there's money missing, there's something called charities, my religious community. Maybe some folks in AA, are facing some very challenging times, and I can help them out.

The people I wasn't around for, I spent time with them. Right? There were some harms caused to women, And I can't go make a direct amends to some of those women because it would cause more harm. And anytime I make amends, I have no right to drag someone through any uncomfortability because I wanna make amends. Timing is critical, and the words need to be precise.

And I have no right to drag someone through, maybe something they'd like to forget. Right? But there's an amends owe there, and I can't go see them because it's gonna cause more harm. What was made really clear to me, I treat women like children of God. And little by slowly, God has allowed me to do that even with my falling short.

I came out of a blackout in, downtown Brooklyn, New York, and it was, shortly before I got sober. And, I had one of those drunken relationship, kinda. We both I think most of us had one of those. You you think it's a relationship, but it's disaster. But I'm in love.

Give me money. Lord, have mercy. It came out of a blackout, in a train station. And it was a rough part of Brooklyn, and, it was just an just an ugly day. And I came out of this blackout, and I was, hitting this woman, this girlfriend.

And what I was doing was trying to get her purse. And I come out of this black, and here I am. I'm suddenly very aware of where where I've been for the last couple of days. I I have no idea there I was. And she was screaming and cursing me.

And people in New York, I mean, they just keep walking. I can't get involved. They just keep walking. Anyway, I went about my business, and I had to make amends to this woman. And I saw her, and, she saw me, and I was gonna make the approach, and she crossed she ran across the street.

Another woman I went to make amends to, I she happened to be in Brooklyn, and I I stopped and, it's got some of your time. And she says, my husband's upstairs, and this is my son. But what do you want? She's still smarted for my injustice. Because I'm feeling really good about this and go to someone's door, they may still be incredibly angry with me.

So how do I make amends to that? I don't do that anymore. And I I trust me, I don't give to slip service treating women like children like God. It's my it's it's my life that's on the line. The only thing that's so admirable about me, I've asked God to allow me to do that.

I never did it before and never did it afterwards, but it was done. My ego wants to minimize that. It was a horrible time in life. I turned into an animal at the hands of alcoholism for this brief moment. I despise that when I hear about that going on.

Know, you read the paper and you see these things, but for that brief moment, I turn into an animal. I mean, I just don't live like that anymore, and I'm so grateful for that. And I'm self supporting through my own contributions today. I don't need to rob anyone to pay for my bills. Last night, I talked about standing here with some dignity, and that's why.

When I walk down the street nowadays, I'm not worried if he or she is gonna turn the corner, Or someone finds my belongings, that they're gonna find something they shouldn't find. My life is an open book. And my family, it's really interesting because they say, like, we're all nuts, and you're so laid back. And my family is, like, totally moving. My brother says, you're like, you know, you're so laid back compared to the rest of us.

It's because I really have nothing to hide to be able to make these direct approaches. When I was going through Sometimes, because we're on this path, doesn't mean that everything's gonna be great. And my external world collapsed for me a bunch of years ago. In about 20 minutes, I found myself going through divorce. I was let go from my job.

Bunch of us because of downsizing, well, cut loose. Money that I thought it was in the bank was suddenly missing. And, I thought I was gonna lose my home, and this is the boss. And I saw my lord. Everything just fell apart.

And I was able to walk through that without ever once thinking about a drink, walk through that with dignity, and I was sponsoring a handful of guys. And my energy level was at it was at 0. And I was getting pushed around emotionally through this very, very challenging time. In fact, a few times, I had a few choice words for God again. I was kind of like, hey God, I wrote this tremendous script about me and you're not following it.

And I couldn't spend the time that I was with these prospects. I would spend lots of time with the guys I work with, and suddenly, I wasn't spending the time. It just wasn't there. And I had to go back to those guys and make amends for that. And all but one said, Pete, you don't need to do this.

One of them said, can you spend more time with me? Because in the amends, I asked them, what can I do to make it right? Is there anything you need to tell me? Not like, hey, I'm sorry for what I did. Have a nice life and go.

But I need to listen. A book talks about how to approach the man we hated will arise. Most of us have 1 or 2 of those. And there was a landlord I was living with, living in his house, I should say. And I had this little studio apartment, and I trashed the place.

I brought the Bowery into this apartment and almost burned the place down and wasn't paying rent. A few times, I borrowed money off the guy. I didn't pay him back. And it was just a horrible scene. And, I I he had a a wife with a little daughter, and she was his wife was expecting another one.

He was working, going to school, and I hated everything they represented. And a part of me desperately wanted to be like have this life, be like that. And, I remember I got thrown out of it, and I hated this guy. Even when I was writing the inventory on this guy, I hated him. And he showed up on my list, and I did not wanna go see him because I was still thinking of what you did to me, the names you called me, and you threw me out.

I'm sitting in a restaurant with my ex wife, and, in the back of the restaurant is this family party going on. This guy is standing in the back with a relative, I'm assuming, another buddy, and he's giving me the eyeball. He's dead eyeing me from across the restaurant. And I get the sweat coming off my forehead, and my heart's beating faster. And I told my ex wife, we need to get out of here.

She said, how come? I said, I'll tell you later. We just need to go. And I call up my sponsors. He says, what had happened?

And he says, I think he was talking about me. And he says, what you be talking about you if you saw you at a restaurant? I was not free. And I had to write more inventory and pray for willingness to go to this man I still hated. And pray for willingness to go to this man I still hated and ask God to fill my heart with a spirit of forgiveness for him is is and that was rubber hitting the road for me.