Step 4 at the CPH12 v9 convention in Copenhagen, Denmark

Alright. Welcome back, everybody. We pretty much covered the resentment, piece of the 4th step. I know that no one out there is ever resentful to anyone, with anyone, especially other AA members. You know, we never we never god forbid that we get a resentment toward an AA member in one of our groups.

That'll never happen to us. Right? But it's a it's certainly a great tool. I'll tell you that a huge, a huge secret to freedom from the bondage of our own emotional condition is when we get a resentment to go from 4 through 9 on it. To inventory it, to, become willing to have God remove the defective character that has caused the resentment, to humbly ask God to remove that resentment, to become willing to make amends to the person, you know, to write it down on an amends card or list, and then go out and make direct amends to the person that you are resentful toward if it's appropriate.

A lot of times it's not appropriate. You'll find that you can, you can master resentments in that way, and you can be, the type of person who doesn't have to be burdened with having to hate all these different people. Now, I just wanna move on a little bit to fear. I wanna talk a little bit about fear. Who who in here is so filled with fear, that they can't deal?

I mean, none of us are are gonna admit to being filled with fear. It's not, it's not manly, for one thing, to be filled with fear. You don't wanna be looked on as a coward. I don't think any of us are cowards. We're usually the type of people that do very, very daring things.

We'll go after the biggest guy in the bar. Anybody ever get drunk and go after the biggest guy in the bar? You know, sometimes by you know, found out later it wasn't really a good idea. I mean, we're we're very daring. And it's not a cowardly type of fear that we suffer from.

It's more of an anxiety, than, than a fear. But they they call it fear in here. Now now it it says that fear is an evil and corroding thread. The fabric of our existence is shot through with it. That's not good.

They're not painting a very pleasant picture with that. The fabric of our existence is shot through with this evil and corroding threat. Now I understand today what they're talking about because you can understand a lot more looking back after you've recovered. You can understand a lot more about the unrecovered state. A lot of times when you're brand new, you you don't know what's going on.

You just know you're uncomfortable. You know, you don't feel like going over there or you don't feel like doing that or you don't wanna go this, or oh, man, you have to go to court the next day. Oh, I'm gonna hate you know, you're filled with a lot of anxiety and you're really, really uncomfortable. Well, Bill uses the word fear in this book to cover all of that stuff. Now let me just tell you a little bit from my own experience about how fear, basically, interfered with me being able to get the most out of my own life.

I was afraid to from a from a very young age, like when I was standing at up on the hill looking down at kindergarten, I mean, I started to become motivated by fear, and I started to make decisions based on fear. I might know intellectually that something is good for me. I should do this, but because of one form of fear or the other, I didn't do that. I did this. Instead of confront something, I would go around the back, or I would avoid it, or I wouldn't make the call, or I wouldn't go do something.

And it usually was based on one kind of fear or another. Now, I got really uncomfortable going to school, so I stopped going to school. So I never finished my college degree. I was always really intimidated and had a real lot of anxiety when I was asking a girl out on a date or anything like that. I don't know if anybody I don't know if you you did this in this country, but one of the one of the most horrible things that they ever did in America was a thing called square dancing.

And you would be in a gymnasium like this. Okay? And what they would do is they'd line up all the girls on one side and all the boys on the other side. Now you're about 10 or 11 or 12 years old. And then they'd blow the whistle and the boys would have to run across the gym and grab a girl to dance with.

You know? And quick ask a girl to dance and then you go out and you square dance. I gotta tell you, that was that was rough for me. I mean, you know, I can't be the only one. I think that psychiatrist couches are still filled to this day for people who were forced to do this horrible thing called called Square Dancing.

Because I gotta tell you, I was like, my heart would be beaten. Oh my god. I've got, like, which one? Yeah. It was just terrible.

Now, you know, I had all these anxieties and all these fears. So so, especially when I was really attracted to a woman, I was afraid to ask her out. So I'd ask out somebody I wasn't too attracted to. I mean, you know, does that make any sense? You know, you wanna go somewhere.

You know, I mean, I wanna go to dance. So fear is like directing all this stuff. I'm I'm I get a job, you know, and I'm afraid to ask the boss for a raise because I don't like confrontation. You know, and I'm afraid to go back to school. I'm afraid to, like, reach out and really grab the gusto of life.

I'm just it it's because it's uncomfortable, and it's easier to just go home. You know what I mean? And close the door. Just gonna go home. Or or I'll wake up in the morning and and I'll say, I I'm not going in today.

I'm not gonna deal with that, you know. So I get I become known as somebody who calls out sick a lot. I mean, I could go on and on and on and on and on, giving you examples of what the evil and corroding thread of fear and how it shot through my life and affected my quality of life, but I think we all have our own examples. You know where you pulled the sheets over your head and the times that you shouldn't have done that. We all do.

So fear is affecting our quality of life. It's affecting, us as as, as parents. It's affecting us as workers. It's affecting every area of our life, and we must outgrow fear. And it talks in the book, and, Doug will Doug will go over some of this.

It'll talk in the book about how we can outgrow this fear. For those it seems like there's a lot of new faces in here. We'd like to welcome you. I have a, worksheets that I've made up over the years and probably stole from a whole bunch of people and put my name on it, but it's not copyrighted so they can't sue me. So now, my name's on it now.

They'd be engaging in controversy if they were to sue him. Right. So. But anyway, we have we have the fear the fear inventory here. I mean, the, excuse me, the resentment inventory right here that we were looking at.

And I went over each block and I told you how I received each block and and I got it right from the big book. So I I don't make any changes. I'm a very checklist type of guy. And, before we move on to fear, and I'll show you mechanically how that one works, it says, it is plain that life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. Is that everyone's experience here?

I mean, when you're in deep resentment, not just resentment, but deep resentment that you're if you've gone through divorce, if you've, been fired from a job, the deep resentment. It just it it just throws off your whole life. It just throws off your whole life. That sends out more alcoholics than anything else. For the people that I've sponsored, I've I've heard that the most.

That and when we get to the sex inventory, that's that's the next thing. But it says resentment is infinitely grave. We found out that it is fatal. Resentment, folks, is a life or death situation. It kills you.

It says here, I'll read it again, resentment is infinitely grave. We found out that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings, we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. I'm not thinking about God when I hate you. I'm not thinking at all about God.

I'm thinking about hating you. What I'm gonna do to get back to you. Okay? It says here, the insanity of alcohol returns and we drink. And with us, to drink is to die.

It's telling me that resentment is life or death. If we were to live, we had to be free from anger. That is the big quote of the big book, isn't it? Be free from anger. How are you gonna do that?

Well, I'm glad that you all just asked me that because it states in here on page 66 in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Last paragraph. This is our course. We realize that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Like their symptoms and these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick we asked God.

Whenever it says we ask God, it's a and as you'll see in my 10th step, I wrote down I'm a little anal. I wrote down every we ask god in, in the big book so that you can look at every prayer because what it is, it's just nondenominational so it doesn't threat anybody. That's every prayer that's in the big book that holds anonymous. Okay? So it says, we ask god to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend.

When a person offended us, we said to ourselves, this is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God, save me from being angry. Thy will be done, not mine. So when I'm bringing people through the the 4th step and they have huge resentments, we get to our knees.

That's just a Catholic thing. You could stand on your head, really. You don't even have to get off the couch. Right? So what we do is I go over that prayer and I say, when a person offended, we go to ourselves, this is a sick man, how can I be helpful to him?

God save me from being angry. When you do that with your sponsors, it changes everything. That person that they hate, they kinda have feelings for. Okay? It works great.

Then it says we avoid retaliation and argument. The next part is fear. Of course, I have all these in order. As you will print them off, they will come in order. That's that's another little anal thing I got going on.

It has to be in order because my life was so out of order that now everything that's got this little place is a good thing. Maybe I need to work on that. But now we have fear. It says notice the word fear is bracketed. When you turn to page 68 in the first paragraph, it says we reviewed our fears thoroughly.

We put them down on paper. It always says we put them down on paper. It doesn't say we lay in bed smoking a cigarette thinking am I frightened of anybody or of anything? We put them down on paper. It's totally different.

Wait till I go over the 10th step with you tomorrow because now you're gonna think of doing something and you're gonna think to yourself, I gotta put that down on paper. I'm not gonna do it. It saved me bunches of time. Like, when I wanna go say that little untruth, I know I'm gonna have to put that down and show my sponsor. Alright.

So it says reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them down on paper. Even though we had no resentments of this course with them, we ask ourselves why we had them. So why we had them? Number 1.

Okay. What is the fear? It says wasn't it good because reliance failed us? Self reliance was good so far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self reliance, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem or any other.

When it made us cocky, it was even worse. And then it goes on to ex explain this. But what I do is I have them put down fear. Now if you could think of a fear off the top of your head right now, what would it be? Just so you don't have to answer it out.

Fear. I as I practice the spiritual way of life, I receive less and less and less fears. I take a lot of risks in business, in in America. Lots, Lots. Lots.

That can make me broke in a New York second. As we we call it a New York second. In America, that's fast because everything in New York happens as fast. Just like Chris. Just like me.

Happens really fast. Okay? So people say to me, aren't you frightened? I I'm not. I'm absolutely not frightened.

I believe that money is the root of all good. Somebody laughed. I believe that. I believe it's an energy that I share, and Chris knows this, very willingly with the universe. I I share a lot of it.

And because of that, I just keep on getting so much more. And then I just give away more. Then I get so much more. And that you know what I mean? So, no, I'm not afraid.

I'm not afraid at all. It starts going away. But what I hear a lot is money. Right? Money being alone.

The next one, not staying sober. So that's where you would put the fear. And the second column says why we had them. Well, if it's money, the guy's street a sober. He's sleeping in the streets because he's broke.

That's why he has it. He's experiencing this fear. Right? He's experiencing the brokenness. He's experiencing the want of having money.

And then it says here in the last 3rd row column, what would god have us be? Please listen to the words, what would god have us be? It says, what would God in the in on page 68, last paragraph, it says, what would he have us be? Be, not do. Do is an action word.

There's no doing here. It's being. It's inside. If I truly believe, b, and I live as I do, that money is the root of all good, that means money is not bad to me, so the access to it is infinitely to me. It's huge.

It's big. Okay? Think about that. The being inside is very spiritual. The doing is an action thing.

I have many people that will read the book which is an action verb, but they don't be the steps, they don't work the steps, they don't live the steps. They they go home and and they'll beat their wives or their kids or, they're just just nasty, nasty people at work. But when they get into the meetings, they're spiritual Joe. Right? This guru.

You'll really go ahead. They'll tailgate you to the meeting and then share about serenity. That's good. Yeah. Yeah.

Tailgate means you just stay right up on this guy's butt, and you just tailgate him and tailgate him and tailgate. You're screaming at him. You're making all these nice American gestures out of me. You know? Like this and all this other stuff.

Right? And then you come in and you're like, what is what is that that mean? Well, we can't say that on tape. Well, I'll tell you afterwards. Okay?

So the 3 columns coming off the big book is ask your sponsee, what is the fear? I wanna know right now. You're gonna see money, being alone, not getting sober. When you go to write now I write the 4 step for my sponsors, and I learned that in the big book and I'll show you in Bill's story. He was shaking so much that he couldn't write.

So Ebby, Ebby Thatcher, who was Bill big sponsor to the end of his death, wrote the 4 step for Bill, and that's where I got that from. So that's what I did. Because I don't want you to spend 6 months on your inventory. I want you to spend 1 hour, and that's what I give you. Because I got 4 hours to get you through these steps.

I got 1 hour. So if Susie Lou didn't let you touch your private part when you were 5, I don't care. Okay? If Johnny wouldn't kiss you at the dance when you were 9, I could care even less. Alright?

I want the big, meaty stuff. The stuff that you are gonna take to your grave. That's the thing you wanna get out of these people. Because what you're really showing them is you're showing them a way of living life. Then through their daily inventory, they're gonna come back.

Okay? So get them on the first one. What is the fear you have? Why do you have it? Well, because I'm experiencing it right now.

I'm experiencing loneliness. Can you truly be disconnected from God? I I believe in my spiritual belief, you cannot. It's like it's like jumping in the water and not getting wet and every orifice that you could get wet. We're surrounded by this God thing.

Now we mentally could be disconnected from God, which happens when we drink. That's the spiritual malady part. Okay? So if somebody is experiencing something, they're experiencing it now, let them see it for what it is. But then I even wrote down over here, what would god have us be?

And in the big book it says, trust and rely on god. Trust in an infant god rather than a finite. Play the role he assigns. All this is quotes out of the big book. Do as we think he would have us do.

Humbly rely on him. Never apologize for relying on him. I used to think that you all were very weak people. You were these people that needed a god and I didn't need to and I would prove to you mathematically that there was not one and try to live life like that. That's a tough tough tough tough life to to live.

The spiritual life to me is very easy. It's very easy. I believe when in my studies, and I'll tell you my story, on how we're all so closely connected. Every religion is so we're we're just we're like we're like almost there. And I think when we're done killing each other all over the place, you know, we'll figure this thing out.

Alright? But this is the fear inventory and that's where we get to the fear. And now we'll move on to the infamous He clears his throat. Sex inventory. Sex inventory.

Okay. This is, this is a thrill a minute. It says in this book that we've got sex problems. It says many of us have had sex problems. Certainly, that's the case, with with me.

I used to I basically used to think I had a bad picker, but it really was more, it was really more my problem, than anything else. And it says that we need an overhauling where our sex life is concerned. Anybody in here understand mechanics? You know what an overhauling is? What's an overhauling?

It's when you, like, break it all down and put it all back together the right way. That's kind of what we need to do with, with how we engage in our sexual relationships. Now this this, this harms inventory, although the emphasis is on sex, it also can be, can be used as a harms to others inventory. Doesn't necessarily have to be, just the people that we've been intimately involved in. But, I will tell you this, because selfishness and self centeredness is the root of our trouble.

It says that in our book. Selfishness and self centeredness is the root of our troubles. We're gonna have we're gonna act selfishly and self centeredly in our relationships with other other people, especially the ones foolish enough to become intimate with us. We'll take hostages. You know, we won't, like, go out with people.

We'll take hostages. Oh, you wanna go out with me? Well, you're gonna move in. We're gonna we're gonna open a joint bank account. You know?

You know, this is the kind of car you're gonna have. And this is on the first date? You can't you can't yeah. You can't hang out with your old friends anymore. Yeah.

This is on the first date. I mean, it's just nuts, the way the way we act. And again, we're we're we're also really good at finding codependents who are, you know, expecting that kind of behavior, which is really, which is really even sadder, I think, than than than us who are engaging in this, that that, the people that who are, who get involved with us. But, again, we need to start like everything else, we need to understand what the problem is to be able to move toward a solution. So we need to inventory, We need to inventory our sexual relationships or the relationships we're inventorying.

One of the ways that I ask, my guys to do it is it says, we reviewed our conduct over the past. So I believe that there's a a brief review of a relationship needed. It can be 1 paragraph, you know, but but a review. Like like, give me a little bit of information for when we're going through the 5th step, so I understand a little bit about this relationship. And, quite possibly, I can I can help with some guidance on on amends?

So the first part is to just briefly describe the relationship. And then there's 9 questions that are asked that we need to, that we need to answer. Where had we been unjust where did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness? I mean, you know, what are what are some of the things, some of the damage that we've caused in the relationship? And we need to be very, very thorough answering these questions for each specific relationship.

We need to start becoming really aware of where we go wrong with these relationships. We need to we need to understand what we what we keep doing. How do we keep shooting ourselves in the foot the same way time after time after time? You know, when the new when the new guy comes in, they come to me and they go, I always pick the same woman. No.

You don't. You you always you always create the same woman, you know, with your type of behavior. They're just reacting the way they should react, you know, with somebody like you, partner. And, you know, that's not always something they like to hear, but, the the, you know, the the the fact of the matter is is, it's, it's it's so much. What's the spiritual axiom?

The spiritual axiom is if there's something wrong, there's something wrong with us. Your problems are of your own making. Now the person who is recovered can understand that at a really, really deep level. The person who needs to still do a lot of spiritual work, step work, is not gonna understand that. But they're gonna say, but, you know, but yeah.

Okay. I understand a little bit about what you're saying, but they now let's let's let's continue to to swing the light back over on us and to seriously look at the part we played in this relationship, and the harms that we've caused in the relationship and the things that we've done, incorrectly in the relationship. Because the freedom from these things is not in figuring out what they did. The freedom in these things is finding out what we did and then making amends where it's appropriate, for our actions. That's how we can get free, not only of the resentment, but we can get free of continually making the same mistakes.

We make these same mistakes over and over and over again. You know, we just we just get we just give the people different names. But it's it's the same type of, of behavior that we have over and over again. Now, you know, I had some I had some great women in my life, that, that I was with. I had some really, really cool women that I was with, and I exploded the relationships in a 100 different ways.

But I had to my ego had to manufacture a reason why they were the cause of the problem. Because you know why? Because it's inconvenient. If it was if it's my fault, that makes it inconvenient. It's not good.

I don't I don't want it always to be my fault. That's not something that that goes well with me, so I'll figure out how it's their fault. The fact of the matter is is I'm always acting selfishly, self centeredly, and I'm always moving in a in a self seeking way. So there are gonna be problems in the relationship. Now after I've gotten through answering all these, questions on all of the people that I can inventory, I've got a good picture of what doesn't work in my life.

What are the things that are causing my failure at life, my failure to have effective relationships with people? The book then talks about a sex ideal, about creating an ideal for our future sex conduct. What I've learned about that is is I need to specifically define the attributes I want to bring to the party the next time, the next relationship or or develop the relationship that I'm in. I need to understand the things that I need to work on for a relationship to work. So I developed a sex idea.

What am I gonna bring to the party? I don't wanna continue to bring damaged goods into a relationship because you attract what you are. And if you're continually if you're you're constantly you're constantly damaged and never getting any better, you that's kind of what you're gonna attract in your life, unfortunately. So, our harms to others, we need to be very, very, thorough, about this, and this is something like Doug was talking about earlier. We need to be willing to admit the things that we really need to be willing to admit when it comes to the 5th step part of this piece of inventory.

I'll you know, I'm jumping ahead a little bit here, but a lot of times when it comes to this part of the fist step inventory, I'll start off by saying to the guy that, you know, who's doing the the the fist step with me, okay. Okay. Let's start with the thing that while you were driving over here to my house, you decided you weren't gonna share with me. Let's start with that. What was that, by the way?

And they'll look at me like, how'd you know? Well, 1, for I'm an alcoholic myself. That's one way. And, and, you know, so we're looking for freedom. Folks, this is about freedom.

Okay? It's not about relief. We're not teaching you how to not drink. We're teaching you how to recover, and we're and we're showing you a way to, to a new freedom and a new happiness in your life because we deserve it. I don't believe God, created us to be miserable and to live these selfish, self centered, alcoholic lives that are really small and, you know, filled with fear and resentment.

I don't think that's the way we're supposed to live. I think that we're supposed to, we're supposed to live free lives, you know, unfettered by, the emotional bondage of self and ego. So, so again, we're we're talking about freedom here. And, you know, how free do you wanna be? I mean, write this stuff down and deal with it.

We've gotta deal with these with these these problems that we've had. We've got to deal with these patterns of behavior that continue to cause us failure at attaining the kind of quality of life that we can, that we can get to. Because I'll tell you, today, it's about quality of life for me. It's it's not necessarily about, things. It's not necessarily about it's it's it's about quality of life.

How how good is my life? And my life is not contingent on, a lot of things that I use it used to be contingent on. Well, if I could get that, I would be happy. If I could do that, I would be happy. If I could be this, I would be happy.

My life is not contingent on any of those things anymore. It's really more contingent on living a spiritual life. Because, I I'll tell you, I I live in the North Jersey area, and I sponsor people making an absolute fortune. Most of my sponses make I don't even wanna mention it. I mean, it's it's ridiculous because they're on Wall Street and stuff like that.

They they just they just wheelbarrowing money home. And I'm telling you, they're unhappy and they're alcoholic and they're getting divorced and they've got DWIs and everything's, you know. And you would think, well, if I had your money, I will you know, It's it's not about the money. It it's about living a a spiritual life. And, you know, they used to come to me.

Here I was. I was an electrician making $35,000 a year, and these guys making a 1,000,000 a year with bonuses are coming to me to learn how to live. How do I live? Well, it certainly wasn't about money, you know, because they could have taught me a lot about that. And I sponsor priests.

And they're coming to me, how do I get to god? You know? I mean, I'm an electrician. You know? You know what I mean?

Okay. Well, I'll show you what I do. I mean, it's ridiculous. It's, it's ridiculous. I'll tell you one thing.

I I gotta tell you. I, you know, I'm I'm I I don't make a big deal about this, but I do have something that I really am proud to share today. You'll you know, if you knew me pretty well, you'd understand. I'm finally sponsoring my first county prosecutor. How cool is that?

You know? They're coming to me now for advice. I mean, the world doesn't turn that far. You know what I you know what I'm saying? But really, how cool is that?

Congratulations. Yeah. I have arrived. I have arrived. Anyway, anyway, that's a little bit about the Harms to others.

Doug is gonna go over, some of the mechanics and some of his experience. Do y'all have out here, you're not allowed to date for the 1st year? It's a shaking heads. Where does it say that in the big book? Anybody know?

I I haven't found it. I I've studied this thing. I've read this thing. I've I've tore it upside down. I've never read that.

Let's read something though. Let's let's read what it does say in the big book. And then we could add to it if we want like every alcoholic does, you know. Drink, drink, drink or don't drink, don't think, don't I'm really bad at those sayings. Whatever.

But, anyway, it says, now about sex. Many of us needed an overhauling there, really. But above all, which means above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. Okay. So it doesn't say it there, does it?

No. I don't see a year thing there. Let's go to page 69. It says, we reviewed our conducts over the past year. Where would he where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate?

Whom have we hurt? Did we unjustifiably run jealousy, suspicion, bitterness? Where were we at fault? What should we have done instead? We get them down on paper again.

Why do they keep putting this stuff on paper? So that we could show it to other people? So that somebody could blackmail us when we go to our sex inventory? What what do you think it's all about? We get it down on paper.

That paragraph that I just read you is broken up into 4 boxes here. The person that you had harmed is the first box. Okay? It's called a sex inventory, folks. If If you did not have sex, it doesn't go on here.

Does that make sense? Is it that easy? You should have seen how I drilled my first sponsor on this. He's funny like this. He's like, if you no.

If you didn't have sex, then no. Okay? So that's it. So that's the stipulation. Then it says, the second, who was it?

Well, hopefully, it had to be with somebody or something and and he all laughed, but there are some things out there and and, you know, and I remember when doing my first few sex inventories, I felt like saying, no. You did what? Oh. But you can't. Get out of my house.

Yeah. You are sick. Make sure you don't do that. You know? And and I and I've really learned, I started helping the drug community, drug addicts.

And and boy, I'll tell you what, you hear some stuff. You really do. And it really, where I need when I'm done, I go into prayer and meditation myself. I really do because I remember the first few. And like like doctor Bob, I also help out, sponsoring women because it says in in, the big book that he sponsored 5,000 men and women.

And with my wife's permission and her in the house, I do that, because their their community was just falling by the wayside. And so I I just bring them through the mechanics and then they go get their sponsor. And if they're uncomfortable with me in the 5th step, I grab my wife in and I throw her in the room and she knows how to bring people through in an hour in an Al Anon way. Of course, she's a lot more gentle than I am, but it has made me a much better sponsor by by helping women through this, through this mechanical process. And then it says in the 3rd paragraph, it says, where were we at fault and what should we have done instead?

And then I have sex ideal. My 2nd year of sobriety, I had a spiritual adviser, if you will, and he says, god is coming down and putting his or her hand on your head. And they want to know, him or her, what the top ten things you want in your mate. Okay? And I want you all to try this.

So be very careful because you're gonna get it. You're gonna believe you're gonna get it so make sure you're very careful. I could do that. So I wrote down. I I still have it to this day.

I still have it. And then I taped it to my mirror, and everybody that I've dated through those many years I was single, after a month, I would I would go over the inventory because I believed I was worth it. I love myself now. I believed I was worth it, and I was looking for person. If they weren't a 6 out of a 10, then I wouldn't go to the next level.

There's no reason to because most people wanna have full time mates. But I would go up in an honest and loving manner and I would say, listen, this is not gonna be going to a marriage situation if you will. But if you wanna hang out with me and you still wanna have sex and have fun, I'm your guy. You know? But but it's not gonna go anywhere else.

And and and some would say and some would be like How did that work? Well, yeah. Some would stay thinking that it was gonna graduate and then the other people like, that's the weirdest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. I'm just being honest. Right?

And and so they would move on and I'm still friends with with all of them. It's beautiful. Well, I met my wife and my wife is 9 out of 10. 9 out of 10. We've been together, I guess, 6, 7 years now.

I actually met her on an airplane. I'll tell you that's that's a good story. I threatened that the airplane would not move if she didn't give me her telephone number because she was going to Rome and I was the captain. But, she didn't give me the number, by the way. But anyway, so she is 9 out of 10.

She had done an inventory for the Al Anon part and I'm 11 out of 11. It's the most this relationship I have ever experienced in my entire life. We pray and meditate together. We work out together. We work together.

Our offices are right next to each other. We normally travel together, but, my company just recently got so large that I need to have somebody there while I do the AA speaking. And it's the most amazing relationship, And I say to people that I don't love my wife. I adore my wife. Try a relationship like that.

It's phenomenal. It's the most unbelievable experience that I've ever experienced in my entire life. And I believe that all of you are worth it. I believe that. But you have to believe that you're worth it.

This inventory in the beginning is the biggest part of the inventory. When Chris said it, I do the same thing. I sit down, I look him straight in the eye, and I say, tell me the thing. In America, we call it the thing. And they're like, what do you mean?

I was like, I wanna know the thing that you weren't gonna tell anybody. The thing. The thing. And then they sit back and and you know, when they when they go when they sit back like this, you know they're about ready to tell you the thing. If they look at you with a blank look, that means they don't understand so mention it again.

Okay? Because I had the thing. I'll tell you about that in my story. That thing I wasn't gonna tell anybody. Ever.

Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. And out of those 22 pages I was telling you about, that thing wasn't even on it.

But I will show you through the mechanics of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, it states 10 times in the 5th step, are you sure you're telling me everything? Are you really, really, really, really sure you're telling me everything? Okay? And it it says it 10 times. And finally, like, after the 10 time, I was like, no, I didn't.

I told and I told the thing. Okay? And then he told me his thing and his was much sicker than mine. That's and that's and that's why I didn't tell it to a priest because that guy would probably thrown me out. You know what I mean?

I I wanted somebody who's been in the been in the thick of things. Most of us, alcoholics, have have experienced things that are just terrible and maybe some have not. Okay? This sex inventory list that I have here is very, very important. And the main reason why it is because it brings you to the 4th column that'll show you what your ideal is.

Most people that I have do this and they write it down. Right? And they've been in a marriage for 20 years drunk. Their wife is, like, 2 out of 10. 3 out of 10.

He goes, no wonder I hate the bitch. You know what I mean? Or something like that because you're totally different in sobriety. You know what I mean? We just we take hostages, like I say.

And and your sex ideal that you believe that you're worth is huge. Okay? That's it. Right there. And then it says here, whatever our ideal turns out to be even Bill Wilson believed we were worth it.

Whatever our deal turns out to be, we must be willing grow towards it. Now it says, I haven't heard a year yet. Have you? It says here, god alone What does alone mean? Just like God himself or herself.

Not Doug. Not Chris. Not any of you sponsors. God alone can judge our sex situation. God alone.

It says counsel with persons, counsel meaning, you know, ask people their opinion, counsel with persons, is often desirable. But we let God, and I have that circled, it's on page 70, top page, be the final judge. And then it makes a stipulation and this is it. It says, suppose we fall short from our chosen ideal and stumble. Does this mean that we are going to get drunk?

Chris talked about this. Some people tell us so, but this is only a half truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done and have honest an honest desire to let god take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. But if we are not sorry and our conducts continue to harm others, we are quite sure to drink.

We are not theorizing this. These are facts out of our experience. To sum up about sex, we earnestly play for the right ideal. So this is what I said. I had a general the guy who was driving us this morning, there's a gentleman who was driving us this morning.

Great guy. And he asked about this, about the dating. He's got some months sobriety. But what do you think about that? Chris starts laughing.

And then I say I say, this is the stipulation. Right? The stipulation is this. If you were doing well, I got a lot of drawings. If you were doing this, folks, if you have worked the steps, you're going to meetings, you're helping others achieve all they could be, the relationship will come second and your god and AA will come first.

Have at it. Have fun. I don't wanna what happens after 361 days or 366? Then all of a sudden you could date, poof. Woah.

Alright. Let's go out. Yep. You could be more sicker than the first day you were there. So I don't I don't believe in that.

If you are doing this if you are doing this, this means you are trying to get spiritually fit. Go live life. Feel life. Life is like a box of freaking chocolates to me, and I'm the cherry in the middle. I I live it.