The Recovery in Paradise convention in Key West, FL

We got a problem right now. We're gonna take care of it. Hi, everybody. My name is Dan. I'm an addict.

Yeah. Leave it where you want. And this is a trip. Because you know what? It reminds me of, well, let me put it this way.

I know you're watching me, but I can't see most of you. You know what I'm saying? Is everybody having a good time? I can honestly say that I've never had this much fun with a wristband on. You know?

Most of the time, if I had a wristband on, something bad had just gone down. You know what I mean? But I am having a blast here. I I wanna I wanna reach out to anybody that's new to Narcotics Anonymous and say that at this weekend, you had to learn that we can have fun and live and enjoy our lives in recovery. Keep coming back.

Yeah. When I first got to, recovery and narcotics anonymous and, people talked about complete abstinence from all drugs. I was in a treatment center, and they said complete abstinence from all drugs. And I was like, oh, no way. Yeah.

He's a little drastic. You know what I mean? Come on. What about me? What about the guy that only had problem with certain drugs?

Because, you know, addiction and withdrawal distort rational thought. And I was looking for ways to disprove the evidence of my addiction and disqualify myself from recovery. But now I come to a place like this and I see everybody and and playing volleyball in the pool and most importantly, when I hear the responsibility statement, I love that stuff. Because where else in the world can you go where there's 800 adults? Alright?

And somebody has to get up and say, alright. Listen. Act like an adult. Pick up after yourself. If you stay up all night, don't keep everybody else up.

That's Narcotics Anonymous. Right? Yeah. So, you know, if you're new regardless of your past thoughts or actions or what side of the tracks you come from or the new projects or the old projects or who your connections were in, none of that stuff matters, man. We just love that you're here, and we're so glad that you're here and welcome here.

Yeah. I tell you, I was sitting out on the beach earlier today, and I had my basic text out. I was getting into the literature a little bit. And, I looked up at the at the Caribbean. This is the Caribbean.

Right? A little Caribbean inlet. Whatever it is. But it was it was beautiful. And I'm laying there on the beach, and there's a meeting going on behind me, and people are sharing from their heart.

And there's palm trees swaying. And I looked up, and I thought, how in the world did I end up here? How in the world did I end up here? And I'm flipping through my literature, you know, and, Mac was talking last night about being stuck on the block. Right?

Now I'm listening to Mac, and I'm relating to what he's saying. Now, obviously, I don't come from a large black family. And I don't come from the projects. I'm a yuppie from the suburbs. Check it out.

But I related to the desperation. Oh, yeah. And, you know, many of us well, we sought answers and didn't find any workable solution until we found each other. And I'm so glad I found you guys. And I'm sitting out on the beach this morning, and I'm thinking about how I got here.

And I open up my book, and I'm reading. And there's this passage that jumps out at me. And it says, if we had written down our list of expectations when we came into recovery, we would have been cheating ourselves. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

That hopeless living problems have been joyously changed. Our disease has been arrested, and now anything is possible. And here I am. You know? Anything is possible.

I just don't even believe it right now. I, I didn't know anything about living when I got to Narcotics Anonymous. I didn't know anything about living and enjoying my life without the use of drugs. You know? And I learned the rap real quick.

Okay? I learned the NA rap quick. I I can pick that stuff up. You know what I mean? If I need to fit into a group, I'll fit into a group.

But it was obvious to the members that I didn't know what the hell was going on. And it was probably more obvious, if not as obvious, outside of the meeting as it was inside of the meeting. People would be outside of the meeting circling it up and talking about life stuff, about watching their kids play Little League, getting promotions in their jobs, and just life stuff. And the converse conversation would come around to me, and I'd just be standing there. And I'd say something stupid, like, did you ever have the oven cleaner?

You know, I did. It gave me a headache. Did you ever have and it's like they just looked at me like, dude, just keep coming back. Yeah. You know?

And, but as a result of working 12 steps and 12 traditions, and, you know, experiencing my recovery through the 12 steps, because, really, that's our goal, not mere physical abstinence in Narcotics Anonymous, is that I have I have got a clue how to live. I've learned all these wonderful things. You know? I've learned that I can love other people. You know?

And I've allowed them to love me. And I'm talking about that kind of love that I never thought could ever happen where you just it's like I put my heart out. You know? And I put it in the hand of another addict. Just right there, pulsing.

And I and I trust that they're not gonna stab it or throw it in the corner. They're just gonna love me. And I've learned that here. And I've learned that maybe I have a purpose. You know?

Maybe that there's a reason that I'm here, and I just I was floating around in such a sea of isolation and destruction and despair before I got here. And I really believe that the world is probably just a little bit better place now that I've been here, and I sure couldn't say that before I got here. And I think the world is a better place than all of us are here. And I love Narcotics Anonymous. You know?

I didn't always love Narcotics Anonymous. My first experience with Narcotics Anonymous was in a treatment center. And they said, here oh, the NA people are coming. And you know what? You heard them way before you saw them.

Because here come the Harish. And then I'll come in. I wasn't allowed to go in because I was in detox. Right? You know, I peeked my head around the corner and here come the MNA people.

All tatted back, leather, sunglasses inside. There there wasn't enough teeth in the whole room to make one mouthful. I guarantee you that. That's what I saw. Again, addiction and withdrawal is still a rational thought.

I was looking for ways to disqualify myself from recovery. But I looked at you guys. I was like, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. They got to do something about themselves. Look at them, for god's sake.

Because I wasn't like you guys. I didn't ride motorcycle. The cars I've parked weren't nice in the cars you drove. I never stuck a needle in my arm because my misconceptions of the nature of addiction included visions of violence, street crime, dirty needles, and jail, just like it says in who is an addict. And I'll refer to that a lot because it parallels my story.

You see, but then I ended up, in this treatment center and I was in a protected environment. And they were talking about complete abstinence from all all drugs. And people in the meetings, in whatever meetings, they were coming in and talking. They were all saying the only way it would work. The only chance I had was complete abstinence.

As a matter of fact, they went beyond that. They said, you must completely change your old ways of thinking or go back to using. Oh my god. Oh my god. And I heard that, and I didn't think I could do it.

I was afraid because all my life up until that point, I had failed right before the end. I had stopped just before I finished. I could never complete anything because I was in the grips, and I didn't know if I could do it. There was a little part of me that didn't think I would ever be able to make it. But, see, it was the people in the fellowship that gave me hope.

You guys gave me hope by insisting that I could recover. Tonight's this countdown. We had somebody with 47 years clean. Is that what it was? Yep.

So if you're only 46, he's insisting you can make it to 47. Yeah. That's right. And if you're the person with 2 days clean or one day clean, that person with 3, they're just insistent you could do it for one more day. But, you know, I I ended up saying, hey.

You know what? I'll give it a shot. And I ended up in a meeting, and I was given a basic text. And in that basic text, there were no tattoos on the outside of that basic text. There wasn't any skin color.

There wasn't anything that would block me out from hearing the message of recovery, that lifesaving message of Narcotics Anonymous. And, you know, here I stand now. I'm gonna talk a little bit about what it was like before I came to Narcotics Anonymous. And not about who my connections were or how much I had or any of that stuff, but a little bit about that that deeper level of empathy and emotions about how we feel and how we think as addicts. And and I'm not gonna stay on that too long, but I I believe that our meetings are a process of identification, hope, and sharing.

And sometimes when we knew that only things we can relate to are the feelings of what it was like just before we got here. You know, our second step in a weird town wise is much of our problems seem to center in a search of something to make us feel whole. Right? And for that, man, when I first put that first drug in my system, man, not only did I feel whole, I felt a whole lot bigger. I felt, like, big.

You know what I mean? And bad things started to happen right away. I'll tell a story. In high school, I went to a party. And I was gonna show everybody that I wasn't 5 foot nothing, that I wasn't a 100 nothing.

And I had a, you know, a bottle here and a little bag down. I went to this party, and I got blind. I mean, blind. And, I didn't know what had happened at all. And when I started using drugs, you guys, one of the first things that happened is my life changed so much instantly because everything became a secret.

You know what I'm talking about? Everything in my life became a secret. And our literature talks about addicts tend to live secret lives. Right? But for many years, we covered low self esteem by hiding behind these phony images we hoped would fool people.

Unfortunately, we fooled ourselves more than anyone. And, although we often appeared attractive and confident on the outside, we were really hiding a shaky, insecure person on the inside. Now, I know how that felt. So I went to that party and I was trying to look attractive and confident on the outside and I got blind. And I had to go to school the following school day and face all the other kids at school.

And they all knew what happened. I didn't have a clue what happened. Alright? But I tucked my chest out and I walked into the school yard and the girl that threw the party came up to me and I was trying to look cool. And she said, did you have a good time at the party this weekend, Dan?

I was like, oh, yeah. A hell of a party. Thanks for having me. She goes, do you remember when my parents came home? Yeah.

Right. I was like, no. Wasn't I gone by then? She said, no. No.

No. No. No. No. No.

As a matter of fact, Ann, what happened was is as soon as they came in, they pulled me aside and they pointed at you and they said, honey, we're so proud you invited that little retarded boy here to your party to share with everybody. And I was so humiliated. And so humiliated. But the only thing I could think the only thing I could think was I have got to quit mixing alcohol and weed. See, that's what made sense because we use drugs and combinations of drugs to cope with the seemingly hostile world and I, man, I dreamed of finding that magic formula.

You know what I mean? That magic formula that would solve my ultimate problem, myself. And, you know, I proceeded through life and and things started to get worse quick. I, you know, I got a job when I cheated my way through high school. And I had this job, and it was a sales job, which was perfect for me.

And I was selling shoes, and I would sell shoes, and I would sell a pair, and I'd sell another pair, then I'd sell a pair, and I'd put the money in my pocket. And I would say stuff like, you know, Dan, they only paid you what you were worth. You wouldn't have to do that. You really wouldn't. You know what I mean?

Because I rationalized the most outrageous sort of nonsense to justify the mess I made in my life with drugs at that age. And then, you know, it was still a okay time, so I I had no indication of the disaster that the future held for me at that point in time. And then, I was gonna go on a date. Okay? I've got a job.

You know? I'm gonna go on a date. Well, kind of in retrospect and I didn't know how to date. Really? Come on.

How many addicts really know how to date? Like, the whole concept of, you know, I'll take you out. We'll go to dinner. See if we like each other. Drop each other off.

You know? Come on. What I did was what we do. I picked her up and our intention was to go on a date and we went out. We used.

We stayed up for a few days. And, I spent the next 5 years sucking the life out of her until it ended badly. It's exactly what happened. Just if you if you would have me, I own you. And, you know, the sad thing is is my intentions were good.

I had good intentions. You know what I mean? I really, really did. But my addiction continued to progress overpowering even my very best intentions. I mean, I would say stuff like, honey, I know this is our rent money.

Right? But if I get a really big bag, I can break it up into a bunch of little bags. And we'll we'll, you know, I'll sell it. We'll do a little bit. Just a little bit and I'll sell it.

And we'll get all the money back plus some extra and then then pretty soon we'll have jet skis. I mean, look at look at look at this guy. And I and you know what? And I believed me. And I might even get the big one, you know, and I might even waste 3 or 4 hours breaking it up into a bunch of little ones.

And then I'd do my share and I'd look at 1 and say nobody's gonna miss a little bit out of this one right here. So I do a little bit out of that one. Right? And then I go, well, now it's obvious I pinched this one. I better do something out of all of them.

And I looked at her and I said, honey, it'll never happen again. And I believe me. And I found myself doing the strangest things, the the most shameful things. You know, she would be at home waiting for me to return and and I would be somewhere, like, at, some adult bookstore at, like, 4 o'clock in the morning. Right?

With this person waiting for me that cared about me. This beautiful girl waiting for me cared about me and I would be, like, just geeseing somewhere in the middle of nowhere and thinking at any minute the DEA, my grandmother, and everybody's under Naomi was gonna bus in and catch me there, you know, in the scuzziest places on earth. And then it would all be over and I'd be driving down the freeway headed home. And the rest of the world was going the opposite way on the freeway. Oh my god.

They were all going towards downtown with their productive lives and their kids in their child seats, drinking their coffee, and I was going the other way. And I'd look over at the other side of the freeway, and I would know deep in my heart, man, there's something wrong here. Failure and fear completely invaded my life. And, this continued to happen and I went home. And one day she came and she said, I've met somebody that doesn't take me for granted.

I've met somebody that doesn't lie to me. I've met somebody that doesn't spend our money. I met somebody that really cares about me, and, obviously, you don't. And she left. And, you know, our books you know, our book is so right on.

It says many of us first saw the effects of our addiction on those closest to us, that we were very dependent upon them to carry us through life. And we felt angry, disappointed, and hurt when they found other interests, friends, and loved ones, that we regretted the past, dreaded the future, and weren't too thrilled about the present. That's exactly how I felt. So I moved. Good idea.

And, all I did was give me a chance to take advantage of new people. And, I moved to a little town called Auburn, California. A lot of bad things happened in Auburn, California. A lot of wristband things happen in Auburn, California. But I'm gonna skip on past that.

I'm gonna get to the very end. At the very end, I was broken inside. I wanted something different. I didn't know how to get it. I was desperate.

I was afraid. I was just like our book talks about. You know, it says that, many of us forgot what it was like before we started using, that we acquired strange habits and mannerisms. Okay. See my eyes.

See my worst you guys see all your eyeglasses. Right? This eye is 2020 vision. This eye is 2050, and I'm pretty sure it's from there like this. Strange habits and manners.

When it talks about that, you know what? You know what I'm talking about. You do. And, it says we forgot about the social graces. I didn't know what it was like to be social anymore.

If I could crawl out of the closet that I used in long enough to go to a party, I just ended up in the closet at the party. You know? We forgot what it was like to work. I didn't I got to that point where it was like, don't even why even bother trying to get a job? I know I won't be able to make it.

You know? And the last the last day I used, I'm laying there, and I'm in this little apartment, and I've done traded off all my stuff. And I have this I'm laying there, and my heart's pounding through my chest. My arms are going numb. My palms are sweating, and sweat's pouring off me.

And my body ached for rest, but my mind wouldn't stop racing. My body ached for rest, but my mind wouldn't stop racing. And I'm laying there, and I literally think this is the one that's gonna do me and this is the one that's gonna kill me. This is the overdose that's gonna take me. And I realized that I didn't wanna die.

And it wasn't because I had a lot to live for. That wasn't it at all. But I'm laying there and I'm I'm not sure if I'm gonna ever take another breath. And all I can think about is my mom and my mom having to tell her sisters that her youngest son died a junkie, and I couldn't have it. I couldn't have that.

And I told myself, I'm gonna get clean. I'm gonna get clean for a week. And, it's a long freaking time. No doubt. That's right.

No doubt. I heard a guy once say, if you don't think a week's a hard a long time, give you money to connection if he says I'll be back in a week. Then when you think it's a long time, Hell, yeah. But, and I'm laying there and I'm sure I'm not gonna use and I have a little bit and this guy knocks on the door. He says, hey.

You got anything? I says, yeah. I do. And I said, just take it. Take it into the kitchen, man.

Take it into the kitchen. Go ahead and do it. I'm gonna clean up. And he takes in around this little bitty kitchen, and the kitchen wasn't far enough. You know, the next thing I know, I found myself in there.

I pushed him away, and I did was left. And it was at that moment that I knew that if I didn't have something different, I was gonna die. You know, there's that point where we can no longer deny the true nature of our problem, that all the lies and all the rationalizations and all the illusion, they just fall away. And I just I stood there face to face with what my life had become. And the fact of the matter is I was living without any hope at all.

And I didn't know where to find you. I did not know where to find you. I got in a borrowed vehicle, and I drove to a treatment center in a town called Orangevale, California. And I walked in there and you know what? I was still trying to look good.

I walked in there with snakeskin boots, an Izod shirt, Ray Ban sunglasses, little strut walking in and I drove the pile of 76 Toyota Corona that had fur on the dash smelled like cat was 4 different colors. Park in the alley and dress nice. That was my motto. You know what I mean? Well, I walked in there and this woman looked at me and she says, can I help you?

And you know what you guys, I just started bawling. I just lost it. I, because when you hear those words and you're ready to hear them, they're so powerful. Can I help you? And I started crying.

I said, I hope so. I hope so. And she said, oh, we have a waiting room for you. Just go wait in that room over there. And in comes this guy, and he says, tell me about yourself.

And I started telling this guy, how much money I'd spent and just sobbing and sobbing, and I couldn't stop sobbing, and I was so ashamed of who I'd become. See, I didn't know that I was critically ill. I thought I was hopelessly bad. So our literature tells us that that we don't suffer from a moral deficiency. And I talked to this guy, and I told him everything.

And he goes, we can help you here at this treatment center now. We're this is the best treatment facility in Northern California. I was like, oh god. Thank you. God.

Thank you. And he says, we have a 28 day inpatient program here that's fabulous. I was like, woah. Woah. Hold up, pal.

See, I was already trying to backpedal. Just hours before that, I thought I was gonna die. Hours before that, I was so desperate. I didn't know what to do. Hours before that, I was wanting to just drive to some place unfamiliar and walk in not having a clue.

And he says, well, we do have outpatient, but not for you. I've heard your story. It's, you know, 28 days are nothing for you. And, he said, may I see your insurance card, please? Like, dude, I thought you were listening, Jack.

You know what I mean? You didn't hear the freaking thing I said. You didn't hear anything I said, man. And, he goes, well, he puts a phone up on this little table and he says, do you do you know anybody with $10,000? Sure.

If I knew somebody, do you think I'd be impaling in your office if I knew somebody I could scope $10,000 from? But I got on the phone and I, you know, I called that one person that one person who just her vision, Just a vision of her having to tell her sister. She's just that wonderful woman, that salt of the earth person that my mother is. And I called her up and I said, mom, I need your help. She said, I know, son.

I know. See, I didn't I didn't think anybody knew. That's what's so screwed up about addiction, and we're the last ones to know that everybody knows. Right? I mean, I'm 80 pounds running down the street with a bicycle on my back and I don't think anybody knows.

And I'm like, mom, I need your help. They want $10,000. And my parents didn't they didn't have that kind of money but I didn't know where to go. And she talked to my dad and what they did is they took the loan against their house because they're not wealthy at all. And they took what they had out of their bank accounts, and they drove down to that hospital, and they were there within no time at all.

And they just looked at the guy, and they said, does this really work? Because, you know, it'd be nice to have our son back. He's been missing for a long time. And the guy said, yeah. We have a great success right here.

And, my parents put the money on the table, you know, just willing to take a chance. And you know what? They took away all my clothes and they put me in a hospital gown and guess what? Wristband. Wristband.

Recovery cannabis. That's right. And, I was terror I didn't know what to do. You know? And so I went in and I detoxed, you know, and and what happens is I got sick.

I got, you know, I got really sick. And, I woke up after a couple days and, I looked around and realized where I was. I was like, oh my god. What have I done? It wasn't that bad.

You know what I mean? And, again, our literature I gotta keep going back to our literature. It says, we forgot about the times we sat alone and were consumed by fear and self pity. We developed a pattern of selective thinking we only remember the good drug experiences. And you know what?

That treatment center, $10, they they cleaned me up, detoxed me and they introduced me to the program on narcotics anonymous. And I remember approaching my father about paying him that $10,000 back and he said, no. You just keep putting dollars in those baskets son because those guys are working out just fine for you. So the treatment center takes me to my first outside meeting of Narcotics Anonymous. Right?

It wasn't, and so they put me in this little bus with these other guys. Yeah. Yeah. Greggy bug. Yeah.

I like that. I'm taking that with and they take me to this meeting. Right? And they sit down, and I'm thinking everybody's looking at me. You know?

And then they say, we're gonna do any related announcements, and this dude stands up. And, you know, I I gotta jump off the subject here for a second. How many of you guys actually come from New York? Okay. Just checking.

Anyway, this guy stands up. He's got this heavy New York accent. Right? And he says, yeah. My name is Ira.

I'm your GSI. And I I'm thinking CEO. I'm listening. Like, no. This guy's gotta be important.

Everybody's being quiet. And I'm looking at him and I'm like, let me check this out. And then he goes, oh, he he starts talking alphabet soup, man. He goes, I'm a GSR. I went to the AST and the ASR went down to the ASR and the RACM.

So I did that. Out of this job for sure. If I was gonna be here, I might as well run the place. You know what I'm saying? If I had to be here, I was gonna run it.

And then I realized I used to use with this dude. Now I didn't like him when I used with him. He was from the Lord, man. He was obnoxious. But you know what?

I didn't have to like you to use with you. I could fake it. But they told me this treatment center, I needed to get phone numbers. Right? And I was like, wow.

Cool. At least I know somebody. I'll go get his phone number. They were no phone lists and and, we had to go actually humble ourselves and go up and be willing and ask somebody for a fine on that day. And then they introduced the speaker.

And, she had four and a half years clean. Now there's a lot of clean time here in Florida. I was blown away. I really am. You know, I'm from California, the birthplace in narcotics anonymous, but I was like, damn.

But in 1990, in Sacramento, California, 4 and a half years clean was like Alzheimer's panel. And her name was Ruth and she was so beautiful. And she comes up and she's blonde. She's my height and I don't know one thing she said, that she was wearing a pink sweater, white Reebok, and fader blue Reebok. And I'm gonna read something here for you.

She had what I wanted, and I was willing to make the other to get it. She wasn't having a whole lot to do with me, probably the wristband. But, anyway, I went over to Brakes and talked to this guy, Ira, and get my give him my get his phone number. And he's like, man, I'm so glad you made it here. I'm so glad you survived.

So many of us don't make it here. And he he had relearned the social graces, and he said, wait a minute. Wait right here. I don't wanna lose you. And he left, and he returned a few moments later with a basic text of narcotics anonymous.

And he put it in my hands, and he said, I would like to join I would like you to join me and some other men every Thursday night to study the steps of Narcotics Anonymous because they are our solution. They are our survival kit. And he handed me a book. See, I didn't have to hear one word that Ruth said in my first meeting of Narcotics Anonymous. Another addict through their actions of selflessness and giving carried the message of Narcotics Anonymous to me by that simple gesture.

And this was a guy that I could not stand. And he had relearned the social graces, and he introduced me to this guy standing next to him. And he said, hey, Matt. I'd like you to meet Dan. Dan's new.

And I'm, like, and, Matt says, Dan, do you have a sponsor? And I was like, no. Because I was still in treatment, you know, when I was still deciding whether I needed a sponsor or not. I was still reading the steps going which ones applied to me, which ones don't. You know what I mean?

I wasn't gonna get a sponsor. I was gonna get rude. It makes sense. It really did. Why would I like to go to a meeting a day for 90 days and work the steps and let alone try to find a power greater than myself When I could just hook up with this hot girl with 4 and a half years clean, she'd show me the ropes.

And Matt says, well, you know Ira. Ira's worked all the steps. He's been clean four and a half years. He's your sponsor. He's your sponsor.

Here you go. Congratulations. Now you have a sponsor. You guys wanna take a moment of silence for that? Okay.

Where was I? Ira. Ira. Ira. Sponsored.

Dude, sponsor. And they gave me a sponsor at my first meeting in Narcotics Anonymous. And you know what our literature says that sponsorship is also the responsibility of the group, that it's implied and informal as its approach. Emman Ira has been my sponsor for 17 years. And I love him so much, and he's always been a great example of the simplicity of Narcotics Anonymous.

And see, I wanted his job. Right? I did, man. I wanted his job. So I was the guy.

I was the new guy in the meeting. Whenever the the person was done talking, I was the first hand to shoot up at every meeting. Yeah. I'll share. You know, I have, like, 45 days clean.

If you're new, listen up. You newcomers, keep coming back. Surrender. I don't even know what submit surrender meant at all. I know what it means now.

Believe me. I do. Oh, believe me. And he never one time told me to shut up. He never one time said you got nothing to offer here at Narcotics Anonymous, Dan.

Shut up. And, you know, some people, maybe you need a sponsor like that. I don't know. But that's not that wasn't my case. What he would say is, Dan, how's that first step coming along?

How is that first step coming? You know that help is only possible for addicts when we admit complete defeat, and it may be frightening, but it's the foundation upon which we built our very lives. Do you understand you're powerless? And when you manage your own life, you end up in Narcotics Anonymous. Yeah.

Could be worse. Right. How's step 2 coming down? You know, are you ready to be open minded enough to maybe believe that there's a power out there that's greater than yourself, that's greater than your addiction, that can restore you to sanity? And I really struggled with that, you guys.

That was a hard step for me. But you know what our literature says? We, you know, we we tried to gloss over it with minimal concern only to find out that the other steps wouldn't work. That's right. But I struggled with that.

I did the best that I could. You know, our book talks about there's a spirit or energy that could be felt in our meetings and sometimes this is the newcomer's first concept of a higher power. That was mine. But he just kept pressing me through the steps. He'd say, Dan, are you ready to make a decision?

Just a simple decision. And by making this decision, man, I tell you, by surrendering our will, you know, you could be put in touch with a higher power that can fill that empty place inside that nothing could ever fill. And he just continued to press me through the steps, you know. How about the 4th step, Dan? The purpose of the 4th step is to sort through the contradiction and confusion of our lives and find out who we really are.

That sounded good to me, man. I wanna find out who I was. I was tired of not knowing because he knew that when I took the action indicated in the steps, the result would be a change in my personality. You know, We Do Recovery talks about that. There's no model of the recovering addict.

When we take the action indicated in the steps, the result would be a change in our personality. It's our actions that are important. We lead the results to our higher power. And so he just let the steps do the job. And, eventually, I realized eventually, a long time later, I realized I didn't have to talk in every meeting of Narcotics Anonymous.

Man, time's going by quick. Okay. So I started off with my campaign to be GSR. My first commitment was a coffee commitment. Best commitment there was.

Right? I'm not gonna go into that too much, but I will say this. A group counted on me to carry the coffee pots to and from the meeting once a week. And then the situation arose where the obsession to use slammed into me like a truck, but I had these coffee pots. That's right.

And the end of that story is is I couldn't have it on my conscience that I pawned your guys' coffee pots. So I got to the meeting, and by the time it was over, the obsession to use was gone. And my sponsor taught me about service. You know, and I love that sponsor relationship I have with him and the and the men I sponsor. And our you know what?

Our book says, our experience shows that those who get the most out of the Narcotics Anonymous program are those to whom sponsorship is important. So if you're you're been around here for a little while and you don't have a sponsor, why? I want the most out of what this thing has to offer. You know, when he pressed service and you know what? Service is about carrying the message to the attitude still suffers.

And my literature tells me the more eagerly I wait in and work, the richer my spiritual experience will be. Why wouldn't I want that? If you're not in service, why? Why wouldn't I want that? So when I was 5 months clean, GSR.

Yeah. Yeah. They even waited clean time for me. They knew. They knew.

And when I was 5 years clean, I realized nobody else wanted to do it. I don't know. I was kinda glad. Woo hoo. I figured that out.

But then, you know, my 1st year was about going to meetings and being a service and and having a sponsor and working the steps. And I became GSO and I got kind of involved in the fellowship. And then it was time to get involved in HNI. Oh, yeah. It wasn't my idea that the police came and arrested me, yeah, for something I've done before I got clean.

And I found myself on the 8th floor county lockdown in Sac County Jail in clothes that were a 1000 times too big, looking at the top of that cell, going, okay, god. I don't even know if you're there, man. I'm just been doing the best I can with this thing. I I just been trying to plug in and trying to believe that others believe, but if you're there, you're wrong about this. I don't belong in here.

I'm a GSR guy. I'm a member. I'm an important member. And I got out and, you know, I got bailed out and I went to my spouse and I called him up. I was like, hey, spouse.

What should I do? They wanna put me in jail for a while. And he's like, well, I suggest you work on your relationship with God. And I said, okay. And so I began this process of trying to develop this relationship with a power graver myself.

And I tried it through prayer. And you know what? It was uncomfortable for me. Prayer was uncomfortable. I didn't even know if I was talking to anything.

And I felt awkward and I felt stupid, and I didn't even really know any prayers. And I would be down on the knee on my knees in the shower, and all I would do is is I would get out and I would lay down and I would open up our basic text to chapter 9, the italicized portion, and I would say, god, just for today. And that was my prayer. And that's not how I developed a relationship with my higher power. It took some time.

You know? 11th step in the basic text, it talks about prayer takes practice, and skilled people weren't born with their skills. It took a lot of effort on their part to develop them. But what did connect me was having a home group of Narcotics Anonymous. I went to this group every week.

When we had a home group, we'd go every week. And before I had become GSR at this group or before I become arrested, I watched this woman walk into this home group. Right? And she walked in and she dragged herself in. And she was about a beat up as a human being as I had ever laid eyes on in my life.

She was maybe 5 foot 9. She probably weighed maybe a 100 pounds soaking wet. She had a belt on it. It had, like, 3 extra holes punched in it just to hold up her dirty jeans. And her hair was all matted and ratty And she had that look was just like a the Walking Dead.

You know what I mean? Her eyes were just vacant. And every week, she came back to that meeting. And every week, I came back. And every week, we both came back to that meeting.

And it was time for her to take her 6 month chip, and they asked her to speak at the meeting. And she got up and she started talking, and she started telling her story about saying I was a prostitute and I sold myself and I'd let my children be taken away by protected custody because I just couldn't stop using. And I went to jail and I dug out of dumpsters and she was telling the story about needles and I was looking at her and I was and then I remembered what she liked when she what she looked like when she walked in. And then, I saw the woman standing in front of me and 6 months had gone by and there she was and her kids were quietly playing next to her with their color crayons. She had gotten them back.

And her hair wasn't matted anymore. It was perfectly conditioned. And her skin wasn't picked at anymore. It was perfectly clear. And her eyes weren't vacant anymore.

They were sparkling with life. And she had put on the weight and she wasn't skinny anymore and she had this joy about her. And I looked at her and I realized, oh my god. Oh my god. Look at her.

There's got to be a God in these rooms, man. Just look at her. You know, it it goes along the lines of our book. It talks about in there that, we can see evidence of a power that cannot be fully explained. And confronted with this evidence, we began to accept the existence of a higher power.