The Deer Park Primary Purpose Group of AA's 1st Group Anniversary in Deer Park, NY

Our next speaker, I met out in, Lynbrook Primary Purpose Group. When I first got sober, I'd never really been to a big book meeting at all of my life. And we walked in there. I remember being at first very intimidated by a lot of people in in Limbrook. And then I realized, you know, they pretty much carry the the 12 step the best I've ever seen it.

I mean, when I walked in and Barb was doing the big book studies, something was about something about me was just like, wow. And, you know, a few of us got our foundation in that meeting, and we started there. And, you know, it was it was a great experience, and I'm glad I met a lot of the people out there. And, with that, leave us a part. Hi.

My name is Bart, and I'm a recovering alcoholic. My sober date is June 12, 1995. And, now we we we we look ahead at people who've been sober longer than us, and maybe even sober a little longer. If you do get up, I will take it personally. So don't get up.

Like, my my, whole group is the Linbrook Primary Purpose Group, and, congratulations to this primary purpose group. 1 year, a lot of active members I see, and, you know, a lot of people getting better here, and that's what it's all about, you know. So, to celebrate that is an amazing thing that there's a room down here that people are coming to for a year and recovering from a thing, a horrible thing called alcoholism that most people die from. You know, and then because of this room and and the power that's in this room, right there, is, people are living great, sober lives. We recover from this, you know, and and I use that word a lot.

Our our big book uses that word a lot. And I introduced myself as a recovered member of Alcoholics Anonymous for two important reasons to me. The first reason is, I saw some new people here tonight and, that's why we stand up here to share our experience, strength, and hope, to give you hope if you're new. And to tell you that you can't recover from alcoholism, that you just gotta try to stay sober a day to time, that doesn't sound very hopeful. But that's not what AA is.

You can recover from alcoholism. A 12 step says, having had a spiritual awakening, and that's what we're here for, spiritual awakening. And as a result of that spiritual awakening, we recover from alcoholism. That's the byproduct of it. So I hope that gives you some hope.

The other reason that I do it is a little bit of a selfish reason for myself. I came in 1987. My sober date is June 12, 1995, which is also like Miriam, a made up date. I got so tired of trying to remember my sober date because I kept relapsing that so I think it's June 12th, but it's definitely 1995. I wasn't that bad.

When I came in in 1987, there's something that we read practically at the meeting and how it works. It says those who do not recover are people are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. Well, from 87 to 95, I wouldn't. So I couldn't, you know. In 95, I would.

So I did. It's just that simple. Now this program is so simple. I had a great experience here tonight. I I I came here.

I came into the room, and then somebody said, you know, I did a lot of work here. And and I I got something here that that that you really like, and I think you should try it. It. And, you know, contemporary investigation, I don't like that shit. Never tried it, but I don't like it.

That's what we do when we get here. I don't like god stuff and that's making amends and, you know, I don't like that. And, well, if you if you give it a shot, you know, it's real easy. And it showed me how to how to do this, and and I did it. And you know what?

It was the best thing I ever ate, an artichoke. That's what we do here. You just pass on a message. I never ate one. And now I got something that I love and thanks for the hard work of cooking and everybody else had cooked, you know.

That's just what we do. We try something, we do it, we pass it on, and somebody else gets it and loves it. You know, and that's what happened here. You know, somebody came here, tried something, passed it on in a loving way to me, kind of a loving way. I'll talk about that, and passed it on to me, and that's all I try to do.

So, first, I'll tell you a little bit about myself. My heroes growing up. I grew up in apartment buildings in Queens, New York, and looking out the apartment buildings, there were the older kids, the older guys, girls standing on the corner, getting drunk, getting loaded, getting high. Man, I just wanted to go downstairs and hang out with them and do what they would do and be just like them. My upstairs neighbor, the guy who lived right upstairs to me, Roger, thought of a heroin overdose, and he was my hero.

And what was wrong with my thinking? I don't know. But I I wanted to be just like these people. You know, I love the accent. They seem to be having, and, it wasn't long before I was the young guy hanging out with them and drinking, hanging out with them, and doing all sorts of stuff.

And, it was very difficult for me growing up to to make friends. I was very shy. I still am. To say this isn't easy. This is, god, I'm doing this for you to help somebody else.

Because if I didn't say that before I got up here, then I'd be My heart would be pounding, and I just couldn't do it. So I started hanging out with these people and, still didn't really feel like I fit in. But I was I was feeling okay. It was drinking made me feel at least comfortable, you know. That's not necessarily alcoholism or or or something like a prerequisite for alcohol, it's being shy, because I know tons of people who are very outgoing and are still alcoholic.

It's it's just our personalities, and no matter what personality you are, no matter what race, religion, no matter what anything, you know how big book describes it, you know, psychopath, not a psychopath, doesn't matter what you are, you can still be an alcoholic. Well, I was a shy one and alcohol worked a little bit. And, Alcohol started to really take on my life. It it it really helped me get through life. And by 5th grade, in 5th grade, I really enjoyed hanging out in the school park instead of going into school with the guys that were outside dealing with some kind of drugs, but they were drinking while they were doing it, and I was drinking with them instead of going into school.

And, of course, obviously, I wasn't going in enough for my grades to hold up, and I was starting to get in some trouble, so they were gonna leave me back in 5th grade. And, my parents were moving to another neighborhood, not too far, and, it was a matter of changing schools. So they had one of the first big meetings that was gonna be of 100 about me in school, and they convinced them that, you know, I just fell into the wrong groups and they'll give me a chance and promote me and, so they did and I spent that entire summer riding my bikes, go back to the old neighborhood and learning how to drink more, know, and enjoying the summer and I met no friends in the new neighborhood because that would have been too hard. It was easy just to get on my bicycle and try to make it home on my bicycle pretty drunk every day. The first day of school came, and I was scared to death.

You know, I gotta meet new teachers and new kids, and I didn't know what to do until I figured out if I go into my parents' closet and I drink, then I'll feel at least a little more comfortable to go to school. So that's what I did, and it worked. So if it worked the 1st day, it'll definitely work the 2nd day. If it worked the 2nd day, it'll definitely work the 3rd day. So it became that's how I went to school every day.

And, I met kids that were doing the same thing or, you know, drinking behind the handball courts and smoking weed. And so those are the people I started to hang out with, and I started to get into a lot of trouble in this school. And, there was a woman who came from another school called Project 25, and it was a drug and alcohol program. And once a week, the kids that were getting in trouble for alcohol or drugs in this school, we have to go into this room and spend some time with her and talk to her. So that's was me.

So I'd have to go talk to this woman, and I remember her, Josie. And, it's amazing. I sound like I haven't remember her name in the years. It just popped in. So I go sit with her, and I was still always getting into trouble.

And she said to me one day, you know, they don't want you in this school anymore. And if you continue to get caught, drunk, or alcohol in your locker here, then they're gonna sign you out of this school and you're gonna have to come full time to project 25. And that was a huge threat to me because the only thing I could think of is, shit, now I gotta meet new friends. You know? I don't wanna do that.

But I didn't wanna quit drinking either because I love drinking. So I figured I'd just get away with it, and I kept drinking. And before I knew it, I was going to project 25. Project 25 got a little rough because they started really educating my parents on all the stuff I was doing. And, and I started to get real angry about it because alcohol was working for me and my parents just split up.

And I came from a nice home. And my mother used to start getting really scared about about my behaviors because I would disappear for days at a time because I wanted to drink. So I would sleep in the elevator shafts of the buildings so that I could drink. I would sleep in friends' closets, garages, some houses nearby, I had garages. I would go to any lengths to be able to get drunk and not hear my mother's, you know, shit about it.

My mother started to get really scared and I had a sister who died very young and my mother was a £120 soaking wet and she was standing in front of the front door crying hysterical. Please, I don't wanna lose another child. Can't watch you kill yourself. You need to stop this. And I would pick her up and throw away from the door and go out and do what I wanted to do for as long as I have to cycle ran and then come home.

Sometimes a bloody mess, Sometimes I wouldn't come home, but there would be a phone call. His son is locked up in the 109th precinct, and so on and so forth. But I started getting to a whole lot of trouble. There were payments petitions, person needed supervision. I started going into shelters in Brooklyn, sneaking out the windows of the shelters, and drinking with nitrain with the with the bums on the corner.

I went to any length to drink, you know, because I love to drink. I started spending some weeks in Spaford, places in Staten Island, Geller House, all kinds of institutions all because I wanted a drink. Every place I went to and every psychiatrist that my parents would send me to, all told me the same thing. And every judge told me the same thing. You seem like such a nice boy.

If you just didn't drink, you wouldn't get into this trouble and you'd be okay. And that had absolutely no depth in weight because the only thing that went through my head is no, you don't understand. The only time I'm okay is when I drink. You know, that was the only answer that I had for myself so I kept drinking. Well, 18 months in Wafford and I started to say to myself maybe there's something to this drinking, you know.

Maybe I should stop drinking as much as I'm drinking. Maybe I should just drink on the weekends, you know, and not get in so much trouble, you know. It was very difficult. My drinking wasn't exactly fun, you know. Like I said, it was hard for me to make friends.

Well, I always drank more than everybody else, you know. We went to the to to Fort Totten to have a cake party and everybody made it home and I did all kinds of stupid things and started fights. So woke up at 4:0:10 in the morning, and the kids made fun of me the next day. Now I always I still didn't fit in even when I was drinking because of the stupid things I did because of the amount that I drank. Anyway, so while I was at Hawthorne, I I decided that I was gonna not drink so much anymore and, I came home from Hawthorne and I went to the high school for the first day and, now this is years of being in and out of institutions and, you know, I went into the Dean's office first day of school, you know, because they called me in there and they took out my records and they said, what?

We don't want your trouble here. We're gonna be watching you. If you get in any trouble in our school, like, they're all saying stare, but if you get into any trouble in our school, you're out. Well, I still had an attitude, and I said, you know what? I got up, and I called when I went home, and I called my father who's a successful businessman and, I said, look dad, they're really not and I hadn't spoken to my father in quite some time.

I really didn't like my parents at this time. My mother was locked them up as an animal and my father was, your mother's got custody, there's really nothing I could do, you know. So it was all their fault, all these places that I went to. I had nothing to do with it. It was all their fault, but I humbled myself.

I called my father. I said, look, can you sign me out of school and can I come work for you? And he said he would think about it. He would discuss it with his partners and, he'd get back to me. They called me back, I guess, discussed it with my mother and they decided that it was a good idea, I was going nowhere in school anyway and they'll teach me the business or maybe something will come with me, you know.

So, the first day of school was a cold October morning, not the October that we have now, and it was the week of my birthday. And I was standing at the bus stop, and I was waiting for the bus and I was all excited, you know, I'm gonna make my family proud. I'm gonna do the right thing. Turning over New Leaf. This is gonna be great.

You know, I'm gonna be a working man. And, all my friends were going to school, and I I'm the working man, and what a great day. And, one my friends came over and gave me a little birthday present, a little bottle of Jack Daniels. And I put it in my coat, and I said this weekend, I'll celebrate that, I'm a working man and my birthday, you know. So I put it in my coat and I'm waiting for the bus and it started getting cold out.

Well, we all know what Jack Daniels will do, a little slugging, a little warm up. So I took a little slug to warm up, and now I'm sitting on the bus, and I'm getting a little nervous, 1st day at work. I know how to calm my nerves. Jack Daniels. Well, I finished that bottle, got off the bus, walked into work for the 1st day, and I knew exactly how to run the business and made it my shit.

And I made a complete ass of myself and my fault. I made it. Oh, that wasn't my intention that morning. My intention was to not drink and do the right thing. All the other times that I drank, I drank because I wanted to drink and I loved it.

This was the first time in my life that I drank and I didn't want to. I chose not to drink and did anyway. That must be the day I lost the power of choice because you know what? I was never able to make the right decision again. For years, I went on drinking because I wanted to, trying to stop, checking myself in and out of, you know, outpatient programs, stumbling my way in.

Couldn't even have the $5 in the sliding scale to pay the psychiatrist or the social worker for the program I was in. But I was stumbling in and everyone of them would say, you know what? You've never paid us a penny. We're only asking for $5, and you walk in here drunk or as high as a kite, you gotta go. And I would just go about my way, and then till I hit another whatever where I couldn't take anymore, I tried to go to another outpatient, and this went on for years.

And the troubles got worse, and, you know, like Miriam said, you know, we don't talk about those stories from the podium. 1 on 1, you wanna talk about it? You know, that's the place. That that's 12 step work. That's you know, I'll tell you all the stories that went on, you know, the things that I did, the the the morals of my own that I broke, you know, breaking everybody else's morals is no big deal.

But the things that go on, like, I'll never do that until I did that. But I'll never do that until I did that. Now those stories, we can talk all about 1 on 1. 1987, I was hanging out in a house that was owned by 3 brothers in Queens Village. There wasn't a civilian that walked past the front of that house.

Any one person can go on a round trip to Hawaii on probably one day of RMDs. We all own motorcycles, and none of them ever left the garage. And, I was married to my first wife, And if anybody ever called in and asked if I was there, the answer was no. He's probably over heroin. He didn't know what she really had some kind of name for it, but it wasn't.

Like, she's over at, you know, the house. And one of the guys one of the brothers that owned the house that was always hanging out with me, I mean, I I met I was in a bad motorcycle accident, and he used to pick me up in the morning and bring me to this house and all and and drink with me early in the morning before everybody else showed up. And, he wasn't sitting down with us and drinking anymore. He was showing up with this new guy, his new friend. They were going into the garage, and they were kick starting the bike, and they were taking off.

And, one day, I went up to him and I said, hey, Warren. Where are you going? Oh, you know, I met this guy, Mike, and, joined this AA, and I quit drinking, and my life is so much better now. And, that's nice. I had my back and continue to drink.

And, every once in a while, I asked him more about where he was going. And, 1987 after New Year's and getting into all kinds of trouble. I called Warren, and I said, can you, take me to one of those meetings? Because I'm dying. And, Warren said, I'm not going to a meeting tonight, but I'll tell you where there's a meeting.

And, they'll know you're new, and they'll make you feel comfortable. Just go to this address and they told me how to get there and it's in a school and, you'll be alright. So I I sweated out all day. I was a mess. And I showed up to this school and I was walking around the school looking for, like, how the hell am I gonna find out how to get into this school.

And, just about ready to give up probably, and a guy came over to me and he said, you're looking for the AA meeting? And I said, yeah. He said, come with me. I'm setting it up. So I said, alright.

So I followed him in and he started going into the locker and taking all the stuff out and laying stuff out, and he hands me this blue card and says, hey, you wanna read this? Sure. And I sat down and I read that and I read that. And I didn't have to look at any of you walking in the room because I had something to focus on because I couldn't look at any of you. So I just kept sitting there and reading it.

And, he opened up the meeting and then he went and to read blue card, we have bought. And my heart jumped right out of my toes. I did not know that he meant to read it out loud. Well, that was the end of the AA for me in my head. I sat there for what felt like 5 hours, but was probably less than 5 minutes figuring out how am I getting out of this room with nobody seeing me because this shit ain't for me And and I snuck out of the room.

And, I got lost in the school. Now I swore I'm going to jail because I did not look like you people. They weren't gonna believe I was an AA. I was in there to rob the school because I looked like I needed everything that was in the school. I found my way back to the classroom that they were in, and I leaned up outside of the room on the wall, and I said, alright.

The meeting can't be that long. I'll just follow them out of the school, and then I'll go get drunk. Well, the meeting ended, and you guys surrounded me, and you kidnapped me back to the diner. You wouldn't let me go home and I was scared to death. But you guys love me so much And you just kept telling me it was gonna be okay.

And I didn't listen to anything other than you guys ride motorcycles and get sober. And it all sounded good. But I was still real shy and still scared to death, and I wasn't really sure that I wanted to stop drinking. And I still had a bad attitude, and you you some of these would offer me $20 to raise my hand to just say my name. I know now people offer me a $100 to shut up, but then I wouldn't even take the 20 to raise my hand.

8 years around the a almost 8 years, I never even raise my hand to say my name. People used you know, I'd grab you on the side and tell you how miserable I was and that I wanted to die. I would never raise my hand and share it because my attitude was, you know what? My problems are none of your business and I'm not really interested in yours. So most of the time, you found me outside smoking cigarettes and outside the meeting rather than sitting in the meeting listening to how you people are getting better.

1995 or so, sometime, when it was not a cloud on the horizon, the end of a perfect day, a buddy of mine called me up and he said, what? I'm dying. And this is a guy that I got sober with, you know, and he had relapsed and he says, I need to go to detox. I'll be right there. Well, I went and picked him up.

He went into a little neighborhood that I took him to so he could, fix himself up before he went into the hospital, and I reached into my pocket, took out a $100 bill, and I said, hey. You wanna get me some too? Woke up the next morning. What the hell did I do yesterday? Almost atheist.

I just threw it down the tubes. Now now I wasn't sure if I wanna live for a long time. You know, I was becoming more and more suicidal. But now I was really sure because that shit didn't work anymore. And neither staying sober, and I didn't know what to do.

But I knew that that didn't work and I was never gonna do that again. So I called up my boss and I said I need an easy day of work today because I'm not feeling too good and he gave it to me. And I went to bed that night and I woke up the next morning and I said, you know what? 2 days ago wasn't so bad, and there I went again. And that lasted for, I don't know, till approximately June 12th.

I don't know how long. But I know that on that day, I went into a neighborhood and I started a fight with some people. I was messed up and I started a fight with some people that I had no business starting a fight with. And I was lucky they didn't cut me up and throw me into a dumpster. And I was in a complete rage of anger, and I came out of that rage, and I was back in a room sitting with you people.

And I don't remember driving there, but that's where I was. And I was in this room in this meeting that they called the Utopia Young People's Meeting. And there was all these young people, and they were loving life, and they were laughing. They were talking about God, They were going to the city after the meeting every night and going into clubs where music was playing and people were drinking and people were having fun, and I was really uncomfortable. Because all the years that I was so dry, I couldn't go to those places.

You know, I go with friends or or or my wife or and we go to a bar or a club. It wouldn't be long before I say, we gotta get out of here. I'm really uncomfortable. I can't be around this shit. So these young people were going and having fun and dancing and going into the mosh pits and all kinds of crazy shit.

And I was like, they're not uncomfortable. They must not be as alcoholic as I am. Now is my answer. But they started you know, they were telling me stories about shit that they did. They were just as alcoholic as I was.

This one guy, Arty, was celebrating his 1 year anniversary at the Ethiopia group, and I went that night and I was sitting right next to Adi and his sponsor was hysterical. He was laying on the floor took you know, reached his hand to the phone while he depending on his recent phone, dialing 911. Just really animated about telling him what it was like. And he was and I was cracking up and really enjoying the way that he was telling his story. And they started to get real serious about God and going where anybody else can go without any danger and being recovered and, you know, just talking about being happy, joyous, and free.

I was getting really irritated. And I and I turned around to audio and I said, oh, that's your sponsor speaker up there. Right? And he said, yeah. And I said, I think tonight, you should find a new one.

And he said, why? And I said, because I'm gonna kill him. And I meant I absolutely meant because he had no right to talk about being that happy and not drinking. That's bullshit. He was lying.

You know, he had no right to sit there and lie in front of so many people. And all he had a great answer. He said, I'm sure I'd love to talk to you. And, they set it up for the next day. You know, he he had owned a a a store, recovery store, you know, books and coins.

And he said, go over to the store, and I'm a tell him you're gonna come and, and talk to him. So I did. It was a very fun conversation for about 2 hours. All I had to do was step forward once, and he'd step back twice, you know. He was scared to death.

During that 2 hours, about 2 hours, he continued to talk about his alcoholism and and himself as an alcoholic. Every once in a while, he'd throw out how, you know, great he is. He doesn't have to live like that anymore. And after about 2 hours, I finally said, what do I gotta do to have that? Because I knew he was once just like me, you know, after listening to him for so long, talking about it, and he said, I'm glad you finally asked.

And now he wasn't running anymore. He was moving towards me because he knew he had me, because now I didn't wanna kill him. I wanted what he had. And, he told me that if I read that big book and if I followed all the directions in it and practice it for the rest of my life, I'd have a great life. Well, I had a good answer for that one.

Well, Eric, I never read a book in my life. And from what I hear, that one's pretty boring written in the old language. I never looked at it, but that's what I heard you people say. So I copied it and said, that's why I can't do that. He ran me at the shoulder and he said, not so fast.

I'll tell you what, I'll read it to you. This is what the beginning of the book, it's gonna talk about alcoholism, and it's gonna talk about some things about alcoholism. If you identify it to them, let's talk about it. And I'll talk about what I identify to. And I said, cool.

Then we're gonna get to a point that you're gonna know nothing about. And he says, that's the point where the only stupid question is the one you don't ask. He said, just ask a lot of questions and be willing to practice it, to experience it. See, Audi was the kind of guy who Audi was his first sponsor, you know, Audi was full of confidence. He wasn't one of those shy guys.

Audi was a bartender that flips the bottles around and, you know, all the fancy bars and he was still a bartender, even in sobriety and he was, you know, his ass was on the back of the chair, his feet were on front, he talked real proud and he had a college degree and he was a school teacher besides a bartender. And I was a guy who had a 5th grade education and, you know, and socially retarded and then I had to talk to people. I was scared to death of you. And so I said, you know, I'm not gonna get it like, oh, you got it. You know, you got a lot going on and and, like, I don't.

And Artie got a resentment and Eric laughed. And he said, Bart, you know how you drove your car here today? And I said, he says, describe what you did. I said, I really can't. He said, well, it's the same thing with this program.

It's a design for living. Just keep practicing it, and it'll become a way of life. And you won't be able to describe it. You'll just be able to know more than describing what a rose smells like. But you will be able to help people through this book and so on and so forth.

And so we started to read it, you know, and and that doctor's opinion started to make a whole lot of sense, you know. Wasn't the first drink that got you drunk because, you know, they said don't pick up the first one, you won't get drunk. And I thought, oh, well, you can't go right to the second one, you know. But now I understood. So I thought I was I got the answer now.

I got this physical allergy, so I just don't pick up the first one. And we started to talk about more about alcoholism. There is a solution. The alcoholic mind, not being able to play back the old tapes, losing the power of choice. And going into my history, how many times did people tell me not to do it?

How many consequences? How many morals did I break? How many reasons did I have? How many mornings did I wake up and say, I can't drink today. I'm gonna die and did it anyway.

Uh-oh. I had the mind of a chronic alcoholic. I didn't feel too good anymore. I had about 1% hope left sitting with Eric. Read those chapters, it was gone.

I was feeling hopeless. That book did its job. That man helped it do its job. I knew I was hopeless. The thing that keeps me sober, especially this past couple of weeks, is the second step proposition.

God either is or isn't. What's your choice to be? Well, I knew I was totally powerless. And that if I didn't say that there is a God, then I was gonna die. You know?

And with that, we moved on to that 3rd step decision. The most important decision that I made in my entire life, I'm positive that every single person sitting in this room and every other room around the world makes a third step decision. To turn our will in our life, our thoughts on our actions, always take care of God as we understand Him, and if it works, bear witness to others that it works you know, through our own life. You know, and that's the most important decision I ever made. It wasn't an easy one because god, as I understood, it was I don't.

Because I didn't believe there was a god. I was the kind of guy who, if I can't see it, I can't touch it, I can't smell it, so on. So all of them 5 senses, well, then it ain't so. And I never did any of that, so it wasn't so. And I didn't believe in any god or any higher power, but I didn't wanna die either.

So as far as I understand them is, I don't. And that's where I started. Truth of the matter is, you know, we're we're over 12 years sober in the last couple weeks. I think the last couple weeks, I understand them less today than I did when I first started. But I absolutely know that God exists.

I absolutely know that I wouldn't be sober today if there was no God. I absolutely know that if I don't serve god on a daily basis, you know, through my life with you people, people I meet in the street at work, much more important demonstration of our principles at home, at work, then I won't be sober. You know? So maybe I really don't have to understand it. That's okay.

You know? If I start thinking I have to understand it, I'm in a whole lot of trouble. I did that in early recovery. I started when a cat chased his tail. I need to know everything about God.

I need to understand God. Well, if God is everything, I'm never gonna understand him completely. So I'm okay with where I'm at right now. That was the most important decision. We said that prayer.

I said, you know what? If this really works, you're damn right I'll bear witness to people that it works, because I don't believe it's gonna. So if it does, I will. And I handed me a pen and he's telling me to start writing. Boke that inventory out, shared it with him, was absolutely willing to write all those things that stood in the way of my usefulness to God and to people around me taken away.

Because I'm dying, you know, I was still dying. We begged you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Thank God I was still at the very start, because I wouldn't have done that, you know. Because I didn't do it the first time because I waited, you know. I waited and I and my ego built up and I don't gotta do this shit.

I'm miserable, but I ain't drinking. So I ain't gotta do that that shit, you know. I was hopeless. I was willing to do it. So I was doing it.

Shared it with them and started making some amazing amends, you know. As some of those amends are the best parts of my stories. You know, some people were very you know, just stay the fuck away from me. You know? And some some some were really good.

I mean, you know, there were some old friends that I went to, some people I hadn't seen in years that when I went to the make the amends, it was don't worry about it. Just knowing that you're alive and you're not in prison for the rest of your life is amends enough. I could sleep in peacetime Knowing that, because every once in a while, after all these years, I still wonder. I wonder whatever happened to the bot, and I don't have to wonder that anymore. You know?

So that's what this whole immense process is about. I got 3 and 8. You know, those 9 step promises are great, but they came through for me and 8. For me, I watched the 9 Step promises come true in their lives when I went out there. That was my experience.

It may be a little different for every one of us, but that was my experience. 10 Step is a wonderful thing, you know. I have a lot less fights and arguments with family, friends, bosses, because of that pent step. Pause when agitated or doubtful, ask God for the right thought or direction. Sometimes my best prayer in the middle of I'm about to curse you out, God, and it stops.

I don't have to be right. Sometimes it's just that simple. You know, that that 10th step is amazing. But I don't always do it perfect, so thank god there's 11. I could review at night and see where we screw up.

You know, plan our day, get sent to it in the morning, plug in. You know, that's what it's all about. Plug in in the morning. Just bring into your conscience however you want. Some people have all kinds of rituals.

Some people go right to their knees. Whatever it is, as long as you're plugged in, as long as you know that your day is gonna be with your higher power, then your chances of having a better a good day are great. And if you're having a good day, god sent you, then good chance you're not gonna pick up the drink. 12th step. Amazing step.

Now my heroes growing up were, you know, those guys that looked out the window. Today, my heroes are my sponsor, Eric, who, you know, he was diabetic and losing part of his his foot. He was on kidney dialysis 3 times a week, bedridden, wheelchair bound, still reading that book to people who are dying. You know? From the day he went into a coma and then died, he carried the message to others, you know, with with passion.

My friend, Don Fritz, who carried this message all around the world, and to the day before he died, sat in front of people barely able to breathe, carrying this message. That's the passion that I want, you know, to watch this stuff, you know, grow up. I remember, there's a few people in this room that probably remember it too. I like telling this story. It always gives you come this hope and gives an idea what this program's about.

Eric was real sick. Eric had the biggest ego in the world. And there was a pin big big enough to pop his ego. So there was a new group and, he wouldn't celebrate his own anniversary because he was too sick to do that. But, there was a new group just like this one.

They were celebrating the year anniversary, they told him. And they said, Eric, we need you to speak for the 1 year anniversary of this group. Yeah. They want me? No problem.

I'll be there. Just if you can wheel me down the stairs. So he got there and, there's a lot of people there that he didn't know went to the group because we didn't. And I wasn't a part of that group, and there's a lot of other people that were there that weren't part of that group. And, it was for his anniversary.

And, they had myself and 2 other people speak for him at his anniversary, but the greatest thing of that meeting was before they started the meeting, our friend Luis said, would everybody that was sponsored by Eric, please stand up. And a few of us stood up. And they said, would everybody that's been sponsored by the people who just stood up, please stand up. A bunch more people stood up. And they said, would everybody that's been sponsored by the people who just stood up, please stand up.

And a bunch more people stood up. And they continued to do that until there was probably about 2 newcomers that were sitting down, everybody else. That's what happened, with each one of you at a city. You know? I sat in a meeting my first I was a little less than 3 months sober, and, Eric never came to the Ethiopian Hebrew.

You know, last he was there, it was already anniversary. I'm finished helping me through the steps, and, he brought me into Utopia. He said, I'm gonna go to Utopia Week tonight. We went down there. We're sitting in a meeting, and this guy about 6 foot, something bigger than me.

And, no teeth, tattoos, really angry. Came time to share, and he started saying, you people are full of shit. I can't stand all these. I don't wanna be here. He was from the Creedmoor Rehab because they came into our meet and, just full of anger.

And Eric looked at me and he said, after the meeting, we'll try to sponsor that guy. Look at him right now. Are you nuts? And it wasn't because of the way he looked and that he was angry. He just clearly said he don't want it and what do I got to offer him?

I said to him, what do I got to offer him? I'm sober barely 3 months. And he opened up to a vision for you, and he said, boy, what does it say there? You're just one man with his book in your hand, and you just tapped into a power grid in yourself. Cohen is confidence.