The Bridge to Shore group in Austin, TX

I've known this guy for a little while here. He and I, we at one point in time had a had a mutual best friend. And, he decided that, he wanted to go out, do some research. And I think today he's in the big meeting in the sky. You better be in the big meeting in the sky.

You better be going to some meetings in the sky. Anyway, this guy, Charlie, is, he's I've always admired his sobriety. He hit one of his sayings. When you're not having a good time with Charlie, he'll say, boy, we're living the promises now. And I I met I met him, like, a year or 2 sober.

I was like, He'll get you. Anyway, he's a good egg. He's great love sobriety. I just love people who love sobriety. And, for further ado, let's give him a big Riverbend welcome.

Hi, everybody. I'm Charlie Parker. I'm an alcoholic. And, I'm glad to be here tonight. My sobriety date is March 22, 1985, and for that, I'm truly grateful and sometimes astounded.

I, I, you know, it's funny. I can't I can't believe I've never been to this meeting before. I've been hearing about this meeting for for a long time, but I just and I kinda knew which building it was in, but I just never had quite the guts to come out here and and, look around, but I'm glad to be here. I I go to, I've got 3 regular meetings that I go to every week, and it's good to get out. It's a great looking bunch.

And I wanna thank the people that asked me to come talk tonight. I, just wanna have to start writing down some notes on my talk because which is I always thought that was the Al Anon that did that. But, I, I, a buddy of mine and I were talking the other day and at the same time, he was speaking in Dallas and I was speaking in Austin at another fellowship and, he called me later. Both of us are big, you know, love the big book and I talked about it and stuff and I he called me goes how'd you talk to him? I said, oh, Tom, I did it again.

He said, what? I said, you know, I looked up 37 minutes into the talk and I was still drinking whiskey. And he goes, that's alright. In 2 thirds of the way into my talk, I was 14. So so I, you know, our book says, our stories disclosed on a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what it's like now.

That's what I always, try to do when I talk and that's what I try to go back to if I ever get nervous. I, you know, just to talk a little bit about what it was like. I I I came from a, fairly I came from a good family. I was the only drunk still the only drunk in my family and and, I I did have the, a sister that was perfect and that that was a little a little tough to go, you know, go through but, my mother was a 1st grade teacher for 42 years and let's just say I was well prepared for the 1st grade. So so I looked pretty good you know when I got up there Dave.

You know, I was well prepared for the 1st grade. I got in there and so they kept talking about my potential, you know, I used to test well and they would talk about my potential and you know, you're not living up to your potential. I don't know if anybody else has suffered under the under the burden of potential but I, one thing I can report to you is that 12 or 15 years of drinking whiskey and chewing the dope will significantly lower people's expectations. So, you know, by the time I got to this program, it was like, just get a job. You know what I mean?

We don't care about an education anymore or a career. Just get off the couch, you know, for god's sake. But, you know, I, I, it's funny. I I started drinking. I had my first drink and then I there's 2 first drinks that I mean, kinda there's 2 episodes that I remember and they were both in the 9th grade.

And, you know, so I started drinking in the 9th grade and it's it's seemed young at the time, but I mean, nowadays, that makes me kind of a late bloomer. I mean, you know, people are sobering up at like 8 now. You know, I mean, it's like, you know, I I, I thought I was getting this buddy of mine, PJ, is 38 and has been sober 24 years. And, if you listen to his story, he didn't get here any too early either. You know what I mean?

He was, he had a pretty good run at it. But I just, you know, I started from my story. I started at 16 and, it was fairly insignificant and then a hugely significant event at the same time. I mean, I don't have to tell you what it was like when I if if you're alcoholic in this if you're not alcoholic in this room, I welcome you and if you are, I don't need to tell you what that first drink was like. But it was a it's a big day for me and, and and and it would be it'd be impressive to stand up here and say that I got smashed every day for the rest of my until I got here.

But that's that wouldn't be true because I didn't get loaded every day. But the thing I can tell you in all honesty is that from that day until the day I had to stop, I, never turned down the opportunity to get loaded for any reason under any circumstances. There was never a time that somebody would offer it up and I'd say, oh, I'm sorry. You know, it's my mother's birthday or, I have have an engagement or, know, I need to be somewhere in November or, you know, or something. It was just all bets were off at any opportunity.

And and, you know, I did that I did that for a long time. And, you know, it's funny when we got here, I I say that I'm an alcoholic. Before I go any further, I hope I don't offend anybody if I mentioned any outside, issues. But I my problem was alcoholism. My problem was alcoholism from elementary school.

And my my biggest problem was the spiritual malady, but I didn't know what that was in junior high school, you know, and what showed up for me was alcoholism. My alcoholism led me to do a lot of things other than drink alcohol. I, I still have alcoholism show up from time to time in my sober life. But I, in fact, it's funny. When you get here, I don't know if for anybody that's new, I, I welcome you.

But, you know, it's like we're speaking a different language in here. You know, you walk in and it's mister Bill and doctor Bob and step this and step that and this promise and that tradition and and if you start hearing terms you never heard. One of them I never heard when I got here was somebody talks about their drug of choice and I thought that was so cute, you know. Did anybody talk about that when we were out there? I mean do you ever remember anybody coming up to you going, I'm sorry.

No. That's not my particular drug of choice. I mean, for me, it was like I had stuff that I would spend my money on, but whatever you've got will be just fine. I was I was a little bit of a pig, you know, and and I, but I drank a lot and I did a lot of other things. And and at one point, I had I shared an apartment.

Well, I'm saying I shared an apartment. I was sleeping there. These other 2 guys were paying the rent. But, one of them was a drug connection, the other one was a bartender. It was really it was in some ways, it was handy, but I'll I'll never forget, the the thing though that made me say it is that the people that I drank with thought that I did too much drugs.

And the people that I did drugs with were shocked by my drinking. And, so, you know, everybody thought that I was getting too bloated and, you know, for me all of it, even alcohol. Alcohol was never a beverage for me, it was always a drug delivery system and I was always about getting smashed. I didn't, you know, it wasn't, what does the big book say about joyous conviviality? You know, I mean that was secondary for me.

I, you know, the the main thing for me was that I really needed to change the way I felt dramatically. And, so, I did I did that for a long time but it started and there was a time when everything was really good, you know. I mean, our big book says and and whenever I this is the first 164 pages of the big book. The guy that I love in Dallas had leather bound for him. Whenever I say it says, I'm always talking about our big book of alcoholics and all this and I I love that book.

I gotta tell you a quick story. When I was in treatment, there was a guy in there that we were in this detox center, I mean, and we had we had people, I looked pretty good compared to the guys I went to treatment with. I I was a high bottom drunk there because I had a change of clothes. But and and I'm getting I'm getting ahead of myself because but I gotta tell you this story. This guy, I had 28 migraine headaches in a 30 day treatment plan.

So it was I wasn't sleeping very good. I was and I was up walking the halls every day and and there was this in the lobby of the where we, I went to treatment in the community area, they had this big case with a set of, World Book Encyclopedias in it, you know, back before the Internet, that's a big deal to have, you know, encyclopedias and everything. And they had this big world atlas, there's a slot in the back of the case that the, world atlas was in and then the encyclopedias were on the shelves. You know, no big deal. It's just something do.

Well, I'm walking the halls on there and there's a guy that come right off the street. He's crazy as a road lizard. I mean, I remember this we had goulash that night and he said, I'll need health food, you know, I can't eat anything. So when's the last time you ate? And he said, 4 days ago.

And he ate 2 skillets of goulash. So he was but he's sitting there at the table and he's flipping through that world atlas. It's about 1:30 in the morning and I got a headache, I'm walking the halls and he's going, man this is really cool. And I said, well good, I'm glad you're digging it, you know. And I found out later like after he was gone that he had he couldn't sleep, you know, he was kicking and he and he'd go into the office and said, I can't sleep, you got anything I can read?

And John Bernie had said, if you wanna read something, why don't you go read the big book? And he was he was reading the biggest book we had, you know. And so so whenever we talk about the big book, we're we're we're this is what we're talking about. You know? I mean, so I can do I have visions of this guy getting off back in the barstool and going, I went there.

Hey. I read their damn big book. It didn't do anything for me. But I could tell you where Afghanistan is now. But, you know, what I was saying is that our book says that that we are men and women who drink primarily because we like the effect produced by alcohol.

And, you know, I don't think any of us drank because we're trying to tear ourselves down. I just I loved what alcohol did for me. And, there were there at the time that I first tried it and for many, many times after that, it was just right. And, as far as I know, it might have kept me from blowing my brains out because I had a spiritual malady that I didn't even know about. You know, it's funny, I still sometimes struggle with the term spiritual malady, but almost everybody you hear a lot of people in the program talking about that hole and to me, that's that spiritual malady that I that I came in here with.

And I tried stuff and a lot of stuff in that whole, you know, before and after I came into this fellowship. But I I it works real well for a long time and then it just kinda quit working. And, you know, being the smart guy that I am, when it quit working I just quit. You know, like 12 years later And just shut it down, you know, and it was, it was those 12 years that my family remembers the most. You know, it it really started getting sloppy and I started, you know, I started doing stuff, some of my outside issues, required a little more money than a 6 pack cost.

And and I started running a deficit, you might say. And I I used to love the pawn shops. I, I loved to pawn stuff. The problem with that was I didn't own anything. And so I was always having to pawn stuff that didn't belong to me.

That creates hard feelings, you know, with the with the people that you know and but what I would do was I would I'd go in my parents house and I'd pawn a shotgun or a deer rifle. I didn't have to go in and take like the TV out of the living room, you know, where they noticed like right away. I could there was stuff, you know, in the periphery that you could and and you could pawn for like you had like 3 months to get everything out and then I pull some big scam and and get everything out and, and and then I could go well, that all worked pretty well, but like most of my plans, the wheels came off after a while. And one time I came out of a 5 day blackout, a 5 day, don't remember nothing blackout. I just I pulled a little scan that netted $1600 and that was enough to get everything out.

And, I came out of this blackout on the side of the bed upstairs at my parents house and I had $8 in my pocket and I still had this wad of pawn tickets. Dark day, you know, I mean, just, you know, it's like, you know, you know, those mornings where you wake up and just go, oh, no. You know, because I, you know, I had it all together and then I just, you know, you know what happens. And so I would have to go to my dad and my dad was a hardworking guy, good guy, you know, and, I'd have to go to my dad and go, dad, you know, if we act now, I can, I can get you a good deal on all your stuff? But if we wait till tomorrow, it's gonna be straight strictly retail, you know.

It's funny, you know, I I tell that story but, I have to be careful when I tell that story because emotion is not will just boil up out of me. You know, I never intended to do that to my dad. So I ain't done it. I didn't see it coming. I I like to tell that story like it's a joke so that doesn't happen because, my I didn't like doing that to my dad, and we'd have to go around and to get everything out of the pawn shops.

And, you know, everybody in here has probably made those promises, you know, where where you I'd say, dad, I swear to God I will never do this again. And and, and the problem was Dallas this is all in Dallas. And Dallas is a big town and they got pawnshops and dealers spread out all over town. So it wasn't like, come on dad we got to go to this pawn shop. It's like okay we need to do Garland Road.

There's 3 shops on Garland Road, then we need to go to East Grand and then there's a couple on Harry Hines where I left a couple of things and then Buckner Boulevard and we'll need to go out in Oak Cliff because I left some stuff out there. So it was all day in the car with that shame, you know, that just just all over you. And and and I would be promising my dad that that I'll never do this again. And if I was lying to him, I didn't know I was lying because it felt like I meant it with everything that I had. But what would happen was when whenever we get everything out, he'd give it a couple of days and I'd hit his house like a cat burger and and, you know, we my dad did that three times with me, where we went and gone.

My my dad eventually went up in Al Anon, but I got a I got a good story about that. I'll get to later. But, you know, the the funny thing about it was this this whole time I was about to go to treatment, you know. I mean, it had started getting sloppy and I had I had, I'd met a guy at there was a maintenance man in my apartment that had told me about this treatment thing and he kept coming in. He'd come in and we were taking bong heads getting ready for school every morning and he would come in with us and talk to us about treatment, treatment, treatment, treatment.

You know, I don't know why I thought we gave a damn about hearing about it but you know he kept talking about this treatment. He never talked about detox, he never really told me what it was, but he said, you know, you need to well he did give me one piece of bad advice. He did say, before you go, you might wanna go pull a really good drunk because they're gonna make you not wanna drink anymore and I was like, I'm on it. So so that drunk, that last drunk took 9 months And for that for that entire 9 months, I was about to go to treatment. I don't know if anybody else, you know, has has experienced that, but you know, next week next week is a good time to go to treatment, you know.

I'm and and I probably Monday probably Monday or Tuesday, you know, I'm I'm gonna go to treatment and then sometimes it would get really bad and I'm gonna go tomorrow, you know, I'll go I'll go and by god, I'll go tomorrow. Yeah. We even had couple, this sounds like b s, but we had a couple of Charlie's about to go to treatment parties, you know, where, you know, we we would get our stuff together and, you know, because Charlie's about to go to treatment. But the problem was today was never the day to go to treatment. You know, and and when tomorrow I'll go tomorrow, but when tomorrow would get here it would always be today and today was never the day.

It's like, no. Maybe tomorrow but, you know, well so finally, you know, I I had to go and and I ran out. I got to the point where nobody I knew would let me spend the night in their house. I didn't know anybody that would loan me $3. I was just out of stuff and and it just was really sloppy.

And there's some criminal charges floating around and stuff like that. So, you know, it was started really, looking sloppy. And I gotta tell you about these pajamas. I, I didn't know what treatment was gonna be like, but I had it pictured somewhere between the hospital and the jail. And and I thought it was gonna be more like a hospital.

And so I went with my I like stolen credit cards too and I took the last stolen credit card I had and I went and bought a pair of these, purple Christian Dior pajamas and, slippers and a matching robe. It's really kind of burgundy, you know. I mean, it wasn't tacky. A friend of mine, Mark Beno said that that's Mogan David Red. It's a it's a good color.

But, but I I needed those pajamas because I thought, you know, if you're in a hospital, you spend a lot of time in the bed and I had this picture of treatment that I was gonna lay up on the bed, and they were gonna come in and treat me a little bit every day, you know, just treat you a little in the morning, treat you a little in the afternoon. I didn't know why it was gonna take 30 days, but, but you know, I had that room in my schedule for it so I went and and you know, the last thing that happened was one night I ran into a car leaving a bar in a blackout. I'd had 5 Long Island tees and I wrecked this car but I was still rolling so I kept driving and you know, I jumped out of the car and for some reason my shoes were off and I grabbed my shoes and as well as nights where you can only see about that big and I'm running back through the trees and the cops were already looking at this car. And I I remember thinking, good God, good God, they got here fast.

And, and so I, I ran to the bar like any good drunk, I reported the car stolen and and and, the next day they called me and they said you need to take a lie detector test too before you can pick your car up. And I said, well, why is that? They said it was involved in an accident before it was reported stolen. I said, you've gotta be kidding. And he said, no they ran into a parked police car.

I thought to myself, that explains how they got there so fast. But, you know, there's a friend of mine that talks about our lives being saved and changed by seconds and inches. And, sometimes I like to think about what would have happened if those 2 cops had been standing behind that car writing the parking ticket, you know. I would I'd be talking at a jail meeting still tonight, you know, 20 years later. So, things could've gone a lot worse than they did.

I, I checked into treatment and, some good stuff happened there. This is Christmas time of 83, and, I'll never forget, you know, we're learning a lot of stuff, but it it was Christmas time. And on Christmas day, they put out this beautiful spread of turkey and dressing up. I'm a big boy now, but I was 292 then. So I was good 40 45 pounds heavier than than I am now.

And I was real interested in this Christmas dinner. And and they get I get this big plate of food and we sit down in this big room and right when we're about to eat, the door swings open and in comes a group of people from one of the local churches and they're gonna come in and sing to us. Come sing to these poor heathen drunks on on, you know, Christmas day. And I thought, oh, good. And, so I can't start my meal.

And, I'm sitting there and this woman, I see her, she's going around, she's talking to this guy, she's talking to this guy, she's talking to this guy, she gets over to me. And I usually tell this story when I get to the point where I'm talking about that what AA started on and what started Alcoholics Anonymous and what AA is still based on is one drunk talking to another one. That's the beauty of this program is that I can't hear the message from a counselor or psychiatrist or a PO or my mother or the lawyer, the judges, all the people that wanna talk to us. But when you get one drunk talking to another one, we know whether we know each other real soon. This woman comes up to me and she says, are you fine here?

And I said, yes I am. She goes, I know exactly what you're going through. And I thought, really? She said, I was once addicted to caffeine. And I was like, ain't that a bitch, you know.

Did did did you ever pawn your mother Sterling to get a can of Folgers, you know. Alright. She was trying to identify, but it just it just wasn't quite there, you know. But I, so that's why I like to talk about, you know, the beauty of 1 drunk. It started with Bill talking to Bob and it's Bill, you know, what works best is one drunk talking to another one, you know.

I got out of that treatment center and I I did the first few steps while I was in treatment, but then I just tried to stay sober off of the fellowship. I got heavily involved in the fellowship of what I'll call it synonymous. I went to AA meetings, I went to AA barbecues, I worked with AA co workers, I had AA roommates, I dated AA girls, it was just AA fellowship all the time and and I loved fellow don't get me wrong when I say this, I love the fellowship of Alconquer Sonoma. I mean, we have a lot of fellowship over at my house. We had, you know, 25 people for breakfast this morning and probably another 25 last night.

I mean, I love the fellowship of Al Hawkes and Honors, but what I can tell you is the fellowship will keep you sober right up to the point that you get loaded. It will not fix the spiritual malady that we come in here with, you know, and there's I can't go to enough meetings to fix what's wrong with me And what will eventually happen, the book says there will come a time we will have no mental defense against the first drink. And what happens for me is, I've got a window of time. It's the only thing the the way I read the book, the only thing that's gonna keep me from that that point where I have no mental defense against the first drink is a spiritual experience. The book says that we have a physical allergy and then a mental obsession.

So I can't drink, but I got a brain that is eventually gonna tell me it's a good idea. And that was my problem when I got here because I would always eventually drink again. My brain would eventually say, it's a good idea. It's not gonna be like it was last time. And really, if you think about it, last time it wasn't that bad.

I mean, for God's sake, you might have been a little hasty going to alcohol Anonymous. I mean, you know, you know, that squirrel cage starts going and, and at 10 months sober, I was, less crazier than I've ever been. I, I had an evening where I was I was afraid to sleep in my house with my guns in it and I'm not a suicidal guy. I'm more likely to be homicidal than suicidal. I've never had any and even then that it was a vague feeling but you know I knew something was bad wrong with me and this was 10 months sober.

It wasn't too long after that that I, I took another run at it and you know, I like to talk about that 1st period of sobriety because what happened was during that time of sobriety, my life got a lot better, you know, when I was spending all that time in the fellowship and I think I got enough relief from the meetings to keep me going for that 10 months, you know, get not in, I'd go to a meeting and I'd get not in, I'd go to a meeting and I and and but I don't think it'll give us that spiritual awakening that the program talks about. The the the real life changing stuff that this program offers. And and, you know, what what happened though at when I went out on a slip, my you know, we we can talk about euphoric recall in here about how in my mind when I if I am contemplating going back to getting loaded, it is a wonderful world out there, you know. I mean, it's like I've always got a pocket full of cash and and I've got a sweet car to drive and the connections always home and he's always in pocket and and you know it's just a beautiful world and then you know when I went back to Houston I remember just how ugly it was you know I mean that there's so much ugliness that I had just fallen out of my brain.

I mean, just that that self esteem where you got to put on sunglasses to go into 711 to buy a pack of cigarettes, you know. I mean, that's that's what I came in here with. So you know, I like to think about when I think about how wonderful it is, you know, for me to or when I'm missing missing out on drinking. My sponsor one time I was down on sixth Street and I saw all these people and they were having fun, you know, and, I mean like those people on the Coors Light commercial. God almighty Coors Light looks fun, doesn't it?

But, I my sponsor said you're picking people that don't drink like you do to envy, you know. If you're gonna if you're gonna miss drinking, you need to go down there and pick out the guy that they, you know, that they're putting in the back seat of the car going watch your head and say God damn. I'm missing out on all of that. You know what I mean? You know?

But so I come back into the program and that whole first time I had really, felt like even though my life was a lot better it was like right back here was drugs and alcohol and it was still there for me. I knew my life was better sober but I really felt like if I if I hit a point where it wasn't better sober that it was still there for me. And, March 22, 1985 was, at that time, one of the saddest days of my life because that was the day that it became evident that it wasn't there for me anymore. That Charlie Parker cannot successfully use drugs or alcohol in any fashion. You know, it's always gonna get worse, never gonna get better.

So now I'm back in this program because it's it's the only thing, it's my only shot, you know. And, I had a new level of interest in this fellowship and and I really, you know, you hear all those the stick with winners and you and you can't lose and I really started hanging around people. I feel like I was blessed with people that were serious about the recovery program the way it's lined out in the book and, and I love those people. I still love them to them. I'm still drawn to people that that, you know, you're not gonna hurt my feelings if you call me a big book thumper.

I I love this book and I don't care whether as long as you read it, you can thump it all you want, you know. But I, I started getting around people and it's really funny. I did the first, I met my sponsor. I did the first three steps with him. We did the 3rd step to honor our knees together and we and we really got a thorough understanding of what that hopeless condition of mind and body was that it's talking about in the first step.

That that idea that I I can't drink and I can't not drink and and it wasn't until I really understood how hopeless that condition is that the higher power thing really started being interesting to me. The steps kinda roll like that. If if if I don't if I as long as I can do it, I don't know why I'd be interested in the high power. You know, it's just stand out of the way and let me take care of business. But once I'm really convinced that I can't drink and I can't not drink, then it's like, you got something for me?

And they go, yeah. Well, there's this higher power thing and and, you know, then it starts looking interesting. And once I'm convinced that that will work, it's pretty easy deal to say, you know, let's get down on our knees and and do the 3rd step paragon. And, you know, and it's, so I'm right about there, but I'm still kinda stalling. My sponsor didn't give me that clear directions on the on the 4th step.

And I didn't, you know, I I went out to California to see my, sister and she lived in a hotel at the time. Her husband was a general manager, so we could get dry cleaning done for free. The point of all that is that I went to this young people's meeting in San Anselmo about 200 people there, about half of them were pretty And, I'm starched and tight and, you know, I've lost a bunch of weight and I was not thinking about spiritual growth, you know. And, I go in this meeting and there's all these people there and I go up to this girl after the meeting, her name was Barbara. And I go up to her and I said, you know, do any of y'all go out for coffee or anything after the meeting?

And she goes, yeah, a lot of us go to this Jojo's over here. And, I thought, okay, well, you know, I'd like to join. So we, after the meeting, it was a great meeting. There was rock stars there and, you know, and and I mean, the thing I'll never forget is this one huge rock star had her hand up for half the meeting and they didn't call on it. That's just what I get, you know.

You know, so, so, we go to the and when we get in this coffee shop, she says, why don't you and I sit over here at the counter instead of, over there with everybody else. And I thought, well, alright. And, so we're sitting there and she had introduced herself to me as Barbara, but I found out later that everybody knew her as big book Barbie. And I did not get what I was thinking about. We sit down at that at that, at that counter at Big Book Barbie starts talking about do you believe you have a hopeless condition on mind and body?

God puts people in my life, you know, at times like that and it's you know, when I look back on it, I see that my life was saved, you know, and stuff like that because I, you know but Bobby's going, have you turned your life over to Carrie God? Have you done a 4th step? And I said, no, why not? And it's just peppering me with questions. And I was like, good God, man.

And and and you know, she so she's like, have you have you done a 4 step? And and I said, well no, why not? And I said, well, you know, I'm gathering this data because, you know, the treatment center the treatment center I went to had a forum and then and there's a forum and this forum and that forum and she goes, you ever thought about doing it out of the big book? And and I was like, no, not really. I mean, because I looked at that stuff in the book and, the mister Brown and She's a Nut and, you know, she snubbed me and, you know, all, you know, and I was I just wasn't getting it.

And and Barbie said to me that, she goes, you know, if you work the if you don't work the steps out of the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, you can't show somebody how to work the steps out of the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you do work the steps, let somebody show you how to work the steps exactly the way they're lined out in the big book. You don't have to run around and get all these little henhouse 4 step guys if somebody comes up and says can you put me through the steps? You just get out your big book and sit down with them and work the steps and you know, I am so glad that I didn't get laid that night, you know, because looking back in my life, I've never had my higher power to speak to me, you know, but I've had him put people in my life that channel me in a direction of growth that I didn't even know that I needed to go in. And, sometimes I look back on it and sometimes I think what chokes me up is that I can look back on that moment and I know that my ass was on the line.

I didn't know it at the time. You know in in the big book when we get to that third step it says we stood at the turning point but there's no road sign. There's no street light at the turning point, you know. I didn't realize that the one direction was this and the other direction was that. It's just, you know, the way things were going and you know so I'm I'm real grateful when I look back on that.

You know there's other stuff that happened. You know there was another time that I talking about the fellowship while we're doing all these steps and stuff, we were in a lot of fellowship. Katie and man, you know, I mean, Dave Hamby, God Almighty, that was, you know, everybody was getting together and we did a lot of stuff together and it was a lot of fun. It doesn't take 1 or 2 people to really change the fellowship, you know. You get a couple of people that are willing to organize stuff, you know, like this weenie deal or, you know, we we say, alright, we're gonna go tubing to Guadalupe today or we're gonna, you know, we just come up with stuff and everybody gang up, you know, the Pacific group out in California, if they decide to go snow skin, they're chartering 2 or 3 buses and fill them up and, you know, when somebody comes into that group, they know they're a part of something, you know.

And and, you know, and I love that fellowship of Blackhawk's knowledge. I love people coming, you know, from rock bottom nothing all of a sudden, you know, they're part of a big deal. This day we decide we're all gonna go to Wet n Wild and my sponsor was there. And you know the thing I want to talk about is that you know you just never know when you're gonna be able to teach somebody a little bit and my sponsor and I were at this place called Wet n Wild and we're at this one ride where it's this slide that just drops straight down about a 110 feet. It's a high speed enema is all it is.

But, you know, you you walk up the circular staircase and and and and it's almost our turn, you know. And and we're like 3rd from going and the towers kind of moving in the wind a little bit and must and it's loud, the wind is blowing in our ears and stuff. And my sponsor looks at me and he goes, you feel that right there? And I said, yeah. And he goes, that's fear.

He says, identify that feeling. It's gonna come up again for you, you know. And I was like, you know, so, you know, you just you never know when we're gonna get scared of the message but, you know, another time I'm going along and I've hit, I don't know about anybody else, but I've hit in my sobriety, I've I've hit some real bottoms, you know, where I mean it hadn't it seemed like when I would go hear a speakers that they would talk about how bad it was when they were out there. And then I came through those doors and it's been nothing but, you know, happy, joyous, and free ever since. Well, you know, that has not been my experience.

You know, my alcoholism has been stuck to my shoe, you know, for a lot of months. And, I've and I've had to learn to grow up in front of you guys and with you guys, and all, and with and, y'all y'all have seen my mistakes and my successes and and, you know, I just one time I went up to Dallas. This is another one of those examples where this guy spoke and he talked about a lot of significant problems in Sabay. Not been able to work, not, you know, spending more money than he made, gambling, a lot of stuff that I just love. And and, I really had never talked to a speaker after the after the talk before, you know, and this was at the lone star round up.

There's 3,000 people there and he was from Saint Paul, Minnesota and I was from Austin and so I, and after the meeting there's this big line of people that wanna talk to him and I said I forget it, you know, but but I really, you know, I was had this nagging feeling that I was supposed to talk to this guy. And I come back to Austin. I had a phone in my car back when that was a big deal, you know, and I mean, sometimes, you know, it was you know, like, a couple of grand for a phone back then. And and and in order to call information, then you had to call the area code in 555-1212. It wasn't always nationwide, we'll connect you and all.

So I'm back in Austin I think I really need to talk to this guy and his name was Bob Dizonz and I don't know the area code for Saint Paul Minnesota, you know, so I can't call information and besides that, how do you spell bazons? You know, I mean it's like it could be 11 different spellings, you know. So but that's Monday I'm thinking about that and then Tuesday goes by and I'm still trying to figure out. And and, I go to my regular Tuesday night big book study meeting that night up over Northland and they say, is anybody here from out of town or other groups? And this guy raised his hand and he goes, my name's Bill.

I'm from Saint Paul, Minnesota. I thought, well, there you go. He'll at least know the area code and, you know there's a chance that he'll know somebody that knows Bob and maybe you know we can hook. So when the meetings over I'll make a beeline for this guy and I I go, so you're from Saint Paul? And he goes, yeah.

I said, you don't happen to know a guy named Bob Bizon Street? And he goes, yeah, he's my dad. And I went, woah. And he goes, I really gotta go to the bathroom. I said, I really gotta sit down, you know.

And, so, you know, and that's just all things. When I talk about God not really showing up, you know, and and but but really showing up at the same time. That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about in a way. Because Bob, I was getting a divorce at the time. I was, 5 years sober and I was really not doing good.

And, Bob sponsored me through that divorce with some pretty stiff advice. And I don't know, how many people went to the 60th anniversary? So y'all heard him talk, you've heard this story before, but I, he is a solid AI and this is the guy that's 38 years sober and he's still working on his sobriety, working on his recovery and working on living better and you know, and so I mean, and I love that. I, you know, I had times in my sobriety where I was less involved in AA, more involved in AA and I went through a period where I was less involved in AA. And a lot of fear, little dishonesty starts creeping in, you know, and I had a couple of things that I was doing at work.