The Eastern Nebraska Narcotics Anonymous Area's Annual Speaker Jam

I'm an addict. My name is Ryan. I'd like if we could to just take a moment of silence. And if you would if you would invite your higher power in to, kind of, help my higher power speak through me so that you can hear a strong message in Narcotics Anonymous. Maybe we can all get something out of this.

Thank you. Start off, I I'm a little nervous. I'm a little worried. I'm a little fearful right now. This is my first time sharing my story at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting.

I shared my story once previously within the walls of another fellowship, and it was a disaster, because I spent they they gave me an hour. That was their first mistake. You guys are smarter. You only gave me a half hour. They gave me a whole hour, and I probably spent 40 minutes of it talking about my drug use, and I'm not going to do that today.

I'm going to, simply mention, the fact that I use drugs. If I if I didn't, I wouldn't be here. I I'm I'm big on listening to speaker tapes, going to speaker jams, going to any kind of a convention, anything that's got a speaker, because I love hearing people's stories, you know, and and I always, and and maybe this is just part of me. I always, you know, have have my opinions on people to spend, you know, at least half their time or more talking about their their drug use. I know how to use drugs.

I didn't do it very successfully. If I would have been more successful at using drugs, maybe I wouldn't have ended up here when I was 21 years old. I didn't start using drugs until I was 17, and I ended up here by the time I was 21. I wasn't very good at it. It found me on March 17th of, 2,004.

Found me on a bridge, with no money, with no hope, with nothing to live for. And, all I know is that about 2 weeks prior to that, my uncle my uncle had come to me, and and he had told me, that he could see my life deteriorating. He told me he could see the hopelessness and and and, I was down to about a £125, and my uncle said, I can see what I can see what you're doing. He said, I don't know what it is you're doing, but I know you're dying. And, 2 weeks later, I I was crossing the bridge from the casino back into Omaha with with this grandiose idea that I was going to throw my car into park on the bridge and jump off, and then it'd be on the news, and everybody would be sad.

And and and as as I got onto that bridge and I'm crying, and and and this is the the the these are the type of tears. This is the type of crying where where you can't even see, where you can't even you can't even see. You don't even know what's going on, and I'm driving my car, and I'm driving over the bridge. And and this thought comes into my mind that there's gotta be there's gotta be someone, one person out there that can help. And, that that thought, I know today that thought did not come from me.

That that thought had to have come from a power greater than myself. And that was about 4 o'clock in the afternoon. At midnight, I ended up in treatment. Since that period of time, I have not felt it necessary to use any minor mood altering chemicals. There's very little to do with anything I've done.

It has a whole lot more to do with with what the people did when I arrived here. I went into my first, Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I was well, let me back up and and throw in a couple of disclaimers. First, I'm a basic tech stumper. I take it everywhere I go.

I've been clean for a little over 3 years, and, my my text, looks like crap. But I tell you what, every page has something marked in it, written in it. I put notes in it. I I underline, I circle, I star. I do whatever I can to try and learn this program, And, I wish I could say I was that teachable when I got here.

I wasn't. I came in here with the thought that, okay, my problem is drugs, and, my solution is not using drugs. You guys apparently had that solution. I'm gonna come in here, and I'm gonna do what I'm really good at. I'm gonna come in to where you are, and I'm gonna take what you have, and I'm gonna take you home with me, because I was, I wasn't I am a thief, man.

That that's part of that's part of my story. And and I came in, I came in here with with the idea I was going to, heard it last weekend. Someone said, you can't shoplift this program. I tried, and I tried really hard. And no matter what, I couldn't take it home with me, and I couldn't figure that out.

Like I said, I'm a basic text helper. If so if I if I say anything that's not reconcilable with what's, within the walls of the basic text with what's written in black and white, feel free to disregard it as one of my, many opinions. That that aren't worth anything, more than that. When I came in here, like I said, I just want I just want to stop using drugs. And, I didn't know that, that I was my problem.

I didn't know that self obsession was my problem. I would come to find that out through trial and error. I think that's a lot of what my story is. I came in and and, people people around me at my first meeting outside of treatment, in Omaha here, A couple of guys I went up to a guy afterwards, and and and the guy was, bigger than me, and he gave, hugs like a bear, which I I wasn't quite comfortable with yet. But I asked the guy to be I said, will you be my temporary sponsor?

And, that was my first mistake. He said he says to me, are you gonna work a temporary program? And I said, you know, I'm one day clean. By the way, they they they told me no matter what you do, don't go back to the dough pass. That's what they said.

When you go back to Omaha, don't go back to the dough pass. 1st place I went back in Omaha was to the to the dough pass. I realized something on that day, again, through trial and error. I realized that, I had nothing in common with those people. I had nothing.

So I I went into my first meeting, and I was scared. And and he asked me, I'm, you know, are you gonna work a temporary program? No. You know, I'm not gonna work a temporary program. So he said he'd be my sponsor.

The first time I called that man was over 2 months later when I called him to fire him because I had gotten someone else. You know, that that just tells you about where my willingness was. I I did, I did live in Oxford House. So, and and thank God for for places outside of, that's my little guy. Thank God for places outside of these rooms that also help addicts, because there wasn't a meeting going on 247, you know.

And and and that's what that's what I needed. I need 247 accountability when I got clean, and and I had it through some through some outside outside help. They came they I I came in. They started saying things like work the steps. They started saying things like find god.

See, I had found god in treatment, this goes back to my uncle. And I'm gonna bring up my uncle again later. But my uncle took me to treatment after I called him on that bridge. He's hard to talk about. He means a lot to me, because he saved my life that day.

Because if he wouldn't answer that phone, I was gonna turn around and go back across the bridge. And this time, I I I there was no other option. I was I was that hopeless when I got here. But he answered the phone. He got me to treatment that night.

Sometimes, it, sometimes my gratitude will speak, a lot more through through my emotions than through my words. My uncle came up to visit me when I was in treatment. It was my 8th day up there. It was March 26. I remember the day very clearly.

I just gotten out of the detox they had at this treatment center, and, my uncle was coming up to visit me to see how I was doing. My uncle had been through this treatment center twice. He had been the one that had first told me about the hope within, within within the walls. And he had he had to be escorted off the grounds of the treatment center, because he was drunk. He drove 3 and a half hours to see me while drinking.

He had taken me to and at that point, because see, I had read through the 12 steps already, and I had said, 1, okay. No no problem, man. With no problem with 1, I'm powerless. My life, it it couldn't be more unmanageable. 2, absolutely, I'm insane.

I need some help. And I read 3, and it said, God. And I think addicts are the only people on earth, to whom God is a 4 letter word. And and and, I didn't speak that word unless it was to denounce that power. And on that day, I realized I had to have something, because I I couldn't I could not continue to live my life that way.

He my uncle showed me on that day that I needed to find God. And on that day, I did find God as I understand God. So I made days clean though in treatment, and, I I now have I now have a higher power. And and see, you hear people talk about a a burning bush, man, and that's what I had. You know, it wasn't a bush, but I had a burning bush.

It it it was a sudden and profound change. So I had that and and I thought, okay, I've got this God thing down. That's all I need. And I don't know. Came out of treatment, life life got better, because there was nowhere for it to go but better.

There is nowhere for it to go but better. I didn't change a whole lot else. So I was just going to means. I was going to 2 or 3 means a day. Basic text, I believe it's the understatement of the basic text where it says that immediate day for 90 days is a good idea.

I've never heard of a better idea. And I've I've put that into practice at more than one time in my recovery, where I've gone to a median day for 90 days. It says in the beginning, and for me, I have to start over every now and then. I have to go back to the beginning. When I forget, when I get out of place, when I lose that that conscious contact with God, I have to go back to the beginning.

Eventually, some, some things started happening in my life. Some good things. Went back to school, went back to college, and, was taking classes, but I wasn't working the steps. See, I had worked 1, 2, and 3 with about 3 different gentlemen in this program. And as soon as I got to that 4 step, I kept running.

And I'd find myself a new gentleman to start working with. I find a reason and excuse a rationalization, whatever whatever I could to move on to start working with someone else, just to avoid the pain of looking at myself. Eventually, avoiding that pain, brought it to a head. I found myself on another bridge, smack dab between a year 18 months clean. Again, with the desire to jump off.

Never had the desire to use. Never had the thought to use. Thank God that was removed from me. I hear people talk about, you know, people in this program with with significant clean time, they say every day they get up and make a choice not to use drugs that day. Thank God, I don't have to make that choice, because one of these days, I'd I'd wake up on the wrong side of the bed, and I'd make the wrong choice.

That that option was taken from me by a higher power quite a long time ago, and thank God it was. I found myself on a bridge though with the desire to jump off again, and and it came down to the to the to the fact, I had to work the steps where I was gonna die. And, I had I had a great sponsor at the time, and I worked the 4th step, and I worked the 5th step, and I worked the 6th and the 7th. I started making amends. And suddenly, I tell you what, since that point in time, everything everything in my life has flipped.

And it and and I I can't even seem to seem to slow it down. You know, I I wake up in the morning, and my life is so busy. I've I I'm in touch with addicts every day. I have been for a very long time. There's not many people, that aren't addicts that I have in my life.

I found a family here, not to say that I don't have a family at home. This was the first place in the world, though, where I felt like people understood me. A guy a guy used to come into my home group a long time ago when my home group was a lot smaller. And, he came around for a couple months, and he was struggling, struggling, struggling, but he would say the most profound things. And he he he said to me one day, he said, when I start talking in Narcotics Anonymous, it's like the bobblehead effect.

People's heads just start bouncing, and they do it, man. I you guys spoke my language. The first time, someone read it earlier, the first time I heard who is an addict, when when it said most of us do not have to think twice about that question, we know. I I truly believe that that that says more than just we know about ourselves. We can spot one another too.

We can spot one all all it took when I was out there to get, to get whatever it was I wanted was a little head nod. So much can be said without anything being said. In this program, I've been I've been given in, a new way of life, you know, and and from the speaker podium, that was the first time I ever remember. I'm sure it was said in my presence. It was the first time I ever remember hearing what the message of Narcotics Anonymous was.

It's an addict. Any addict can stop using drugs. See, I thought that was the whole goal of being here. I came to found I I I came to find out that stop using, that was like a prerequisite. That was a prerequisite for my life getting better, for me being able to work the steps and find a spiritual awakening at the end of the journey.

And add it any addict in another part of the book, it talks about the idea of, even a potential addict. I hear people talk about that idea all the time. Oh, well, I'm I haven't gone there. I haven't done that. See, I was like that when I came in.

I hadn't gone there and done that. In addition to that, I was younger than 99% of you. I hell, yeah. I still am. But it says very clearly in the text, we do not we do not care what or how much you've used.

Doesn't matter. Many of you probably used longer than I've been alive to this day, you know. I won't hold it against you. Sometimes, I I I I talk to I get to talk to people about this program on a regular basis, And, they people like to argue this program. They like to argue the fact that it works.

And and through through coming here and listening to people and reading this book, I've been able to to make a couple of observations, about what's written in the book. And and one of the things I I found that was so profound when I heard it was the fact that the 12 steps are written in the past tense. And I I knew that, you know. I I took English, you know, in 4th grade. I know what the past tense is, but I I I never put 2 and 2 together.

Why are they written in the past tense? Someone finally pointed it out to me. And they said it it it it's because they were written from experience. This is not a theory. It works.

You know, Carrie Carrie mentioned, in introducing me that, you know, I get to be a father today. And that's that's the truth of it, man. I don't have to do anything today. I get to do it. I have the privilege.

I can see it. I'm still my my stomach's just in knots right now, but I get to be up here, You know, and and it was always a dream of mine to get to be up here looking at you. And let me tell you, it's a pretty good view. It's it's pretty cool to stand up here and and and to be asked to carry the message in Narcotics Anonymous, you know. And I've I've found that, that word, carry, is the most important word out of all that.

I get to carry it today, you know. And and you don't have to take it, but I get to carry it. And and, because if I if I if I pick if I put it down and pick it up and put it down and pick it up, I'm headed for trouble. I found that on that bridge. You know, some of the miracles, man.

I don't I don't know, how far I got a clock right ahead of me. But I don't know what time it started, when when you want me to I'll just keep talking. I I want to I wanted to make sure to mention some of the miracles that happened since I got here, because the program promises us only freedom, That's on page 102. If you keep reading the page 103, it offers us much much more. It says it offers us much much more.

Some of the things that the program has given me, relationships, man. Relationships for 1 with men. I didn't know. I I don't I knew one thing about relationships, and that's that they involve sex when I got here. I didn't have relationships with men.

Today, I have relationships with men. I also have relationships with women that are healthy, and I didn't have that when I got here. God God willing, in 3 days, I will have been in a consistent, stable, healthy relationship with the same woman for a year. Amen. That's you guys.

That's not me. That's you guys, because I I can't do that. My just to give you an indication, the longest I had been in a committed relationship with the same woman, before this was 9 weeks. 9 weeks. Being a father, I I I thank you for for teaching me how how to to be a father.

I look around the rooms and and and I see I see fathers, and I see I see how lucky I am that my son never has to see me use drugs. You know, you've given me some serenity, follow through. Friends, when I walked in my 3rd sarcasm on a missed meeting in Omaha, a guy wrapped his arms around me, and he said, what are you doing tonight? And he said he said, you're coming with us. He didn't ask me.

He didn't ask me what I was doing. He said, you're coming with us, and I did. And that's what I did for a long time. You've given me the, the spiritual gift of surrender. I don't have to have control today.

You've given me today back for 1. I get to live in here, and now I don't have to worry about, the fear of tomorrow, the worry of what's going on out there. 3.50 a gallon gas, I don't have to worry about it. I get to stay right here in front of you at this moment right now, today. I have a college degree today.

I have a sense of belonging and identity. I have family. I have parents. I have a sponsor. I have I have a boat I have better relationship with you.

I have better relationship with myself. And I have a better relationship with God. And everything else doesn't matter. I think I got there. I need to close it up.

Sorry. I just wanna share in in in the basic text, it's quoted all the time, but I, you know, I want to share the the the hope. The basic text talks about vision of hope, man. I want to share the hope that relapse is not a requirement. Since I found these rooms, I haven't had to use a drug.

And last thing, right before I came here, man, I got a phone call, from my family. And that same uncle that took me to treatment had to be removed from treatment to help me to find God, I got to take him to detox right before coming here. I just wanna thank you for a new way of life. That's all I got.