The South College Avenue speakers group in Newark, DE

Hi, everybody. My name is David Solson. I am a recovered alcoholic. Hi, David. It's been the, group's request that I don't have any big books up here because I know I like to go, hey.

This is a big book. Yeah. And, of course, I'm gonna get rid of that pink shirt. I like to dress appropriate. I look good in pink.

That's what my my kids well, my my oldest daughter said that doesn't go with that shirt, but she my wife was quick to inform her that your whole year, you never dress color coordinate, Caitlin. So, that's okay. My sobriety date is July 22, 2001. So if you do the math, I've been in approximately, I believe, 6 years 3 days. You know?

And, this is not my first time in Alcoholics Anonymous. I see some new faces in the room, so I have to give a a brief drunk a log of what it used to be like, what happened, and what it's like today. I'd really like to spend pretty much the whole meaning about sharing my what my experience has been for the past, 6 years because it's, what a ride. You know? They have that line in the big book being rocketed into a 4th dimension of existence.

I can tell you from my experience, every time I've ever been in AA before this time, it was anything but being rocketed into a 4th dimension of existence. But I have a real you know, this is not an a this is not an anniversary meeting. You know, being a home group member here, I came here the the week after this meeting started, and we had agreed from the beginning that this was not gonna be an anniversary meeting. You know, it's an AA meeting. You know?

And that means I'm here to share in a general way. I have a responsibility at this podium to share in a general way what it used to be like, what happened, and what it's like today. That's pretty specific direction of what I'm supposed to be doing up here. I'm not I just got done reading the Harry Potter book, so I could sit there and ruin it for everybody or give you, But I'm not here to do any of that stuff. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You want that. Right? But I can tell you this.

I'm alcoholic. I'm not an alcoholic and anything. There's been times in AA where I showed up where I took the, term cross addicted. Old timers make jokes about it, lay down the cross. You know?

You won't be addicted to carrying crosses anymore. But I've I've been a, you know, basically a comedian in AA all the time I've ever been in AA until I got here this time. I was given some directions that I didn't have to be anything other than an alcoholic this time, and that seems to work to remove whatever has blocked me and continues to block me from god can be removed by simply being just an alcoholic one of god's kids. I remember my very first drink of alcohol. I was 5 years old, and, I had a very abnormal reaction.

What I was gonna consider to be an abnormal reaction to alcohol, There was a little bit of fear involved because it was my best friend. He, by the way, did turn into a just a drop dead alcoholic from pretty much from day 1. Wasn't to be my experience. He hand it we got, I went over to his house, and, he opened the fridge and got one of his father's beers. And it's a beer they don't even make anymore, and it's probably because it tasted like crap.

But, you know, he he popped it open, and he and he handed it to me. And out of fear, I took a sip, and I got a very what I would come to consider a very abnormal reaction. I could taste the alcohol in the background. And I'm here to tell you, you know, and testify to the fact that it didn't taste like soda. It damn sure didn't taste like candy or ice cream.

It tasted foul, and I handed it back over. And out of fear, I swallowed it. But I got such a bad reaction off that. I didn't want anything else to do with it. You know?

I was a pretty straight laced kid. I had aspirations. I remember when I was about 8 years old, I read a lot of books back then. I was in this reading science fiction books, and I my story is similar to to Danny. I always lived in sort of a fantasy world, you know, of, you know, dreaming that that I would always be somewhere else and be like a superhero or something like that.

And and, but I remember at 8 years old, I had an aspiration to go to MIT, which back in the sixties was was the top technical university in the entire world, I believe, at that time. And, there's you can have that aspirations, but if you don't follow it up with the actions, it's kinda hard to get into that. By the time I got into high school, I couldn't multiply or divide. So MIT was out the door. I got kicked out of my first math class in high school for throwing a piece of paper off, and I could literally I could not multiply or divide.

I didn't learn how to do that until, later on in life. But it wasn't because I was stupid. I just I got lost in the school system, you know, and that's not why I'm an alcoholic. I remember there was a turning point in my life where I remember walking and but they were older than me, started doing stuff at my buddy's my my girlfriend's house, her older brother and and his friends. And, I knew what they were doing was wrong.

And I remember specifically walking down the road saying, you know what? I'll never be like that. I'm never gonna do that. And within, I believe, 1 year, I it's it's it's a memory. 1 year later, I was doing exactly what they were doing.

You know? I was trying to fit in. And my, you know, my my low self esteem would cause me to take actions that were contrary to the nature I was born with, I believe. So whatever anybody else was doing, I would do it too. Sometimes I wouldn't do that because I ran into people in the seventies who were breaking free online off of the air conditioner units, and some of them were dying from it.

And thank god I I didn't get into that. I never got into, you know, I never got into the hopping scene. Thank god for that because I know people that did that that are just permanently brain damage as a result. You know? But I did stuff that was just as stupid.

You know? Taking unprescribed, unmedicated chemicals, not knowing how or what they're made from is is pretty much stupid, you know, in my experience. But if it would make me feel better, I would do it. You know? This is Alcoholics Anonymous and drug I'm sorry.

Drugs are part of my story. You know? And thank god for that too. I couldn't imagine if, 2,001, if I hadn't had all those hardcore chemicals that I was doing to change how I feel, that I probably would still be out there trying to drink my way into AA. And I may or may have not ever made it in here, and I was definitely a full blown alcoholic.

But, drugs made me pay at a more severe price, more quicker, brought my bottom up to me a lot faster. You know, I had a pretty profound moment in 1979 when my father died. I always hung out with the older crowd. And, I remember walking up that driveway and meeting my mother in the driveway, and she was just devastated that that her husband, my dad, had died. And, I had never experienced anybody dying before.

And I I hated my father. I did not love my father. I hated him. But I just when he died, something inside of me changed. And I remember calling my best friend.

He's a Vietnam vet. He's like a sponsor to me, and he'll be intermingled in this story of mine. He's like a sponsor because I've never had an older brother, so that's what I looked up to him. And it's I used him like I used a sponsor, you know, when I would get in jams and what to do and what not to do. But I remember I called him up, and he knew exactly what would take the pain of death away.

So we went to his house, and somewhere on the way, we probably stopped at liquor store. Anyway, he got the biggest bottle of vodka that they sell and, got grapefruit juice. Now I don't like grapefruit juice, but it did make the vodka palatable. And, I don't remember blacking out or passing out that night. I don't remember coming to.

Something alcohol did something for me that night that it had never done before. It was able to take away the pain of death. That's pretty damn powerful, you know, for a 17 year old kid to become oblivious to death, you know. Up to that point, you know, I mean, we used to you know, I I remember drinking grain alcohol and going the wrong way down Route 40 and laughing about it and going to the local toy store, drunk on Mad Dog 2020. And I'm I know for a fact there ain't no grapes in Mad Dog 2020.

You know? And, I remember that, it was a store that's like Toys R Us, but they called it Kitty World on Merritt Road. And, and I punched some doll that's about this big. You know? I got into a fight and argument with a doll.

You know? And I I ended up punching a doll, and next thing I know, they got security. I didn't they didn't have security, but apparently, that night, they did. You know? And I get it sorted out.

You know? And, but I paid a little bit of prices for that. You know? It's it's like I I was still having fun with alcohol. And I hate to tell you, if alcohol has always been bad in your life, I don't know.

It's it's it it always wasn't bad for me. You know, there was a lot of damn good times drinking. You know, it it eased the the the sense of social discomfort that I felt, you know, but then in the end, it it would boomerang on me and I could never get back. You know? I'm a I'm a classic poster boy for Alcoholics Anonymous for one reason, because I'm a real alcoholic.

And when I showed up here on July 21, 2001, you know, I was dying from it and a lot of other secondary infections that were killing me. You know? But, I want the solution for my life at that time, I had heard all those great stories from my my best friend, sponsor, Vietnam Vet Buddy, and, he was, I used to I used to just fall in love, and and we get high and drunk, and and I would get him to tell us stories from Vietnam. And I fell in love with with that type of lifestyle, and I wanted it. And in 1979, when our troop when our diplomats got taken hostage by Iran, I wanted to kill Iranians.

You know? And so what? The only way I'm gonna be able to do that, because I'm only 17, I'm unemployed, no high school diploma, I'm gonna join the military, and I did. And back then, they took anybody. Middle no high school diploma, criminal charges.

It's like now without any type of of, like, background checks. And they paid for that a lot because I remember serving being in the service with guys, and all of a sudden, I've been with these guys a year, year and a half, and their past their their criminal past, we can't help with them. And they'd have to discharge them out because their state where they had been charged and they had escaped those charges came to get them, and they made the military turn them over. And, being not that we were being that we weren't in a war, they didn't have a necessity and the mill military didn't find the need to keep them. And but my military experience, my drinking just took off.

If you can imagine a 17 year old kid able to walk in bars anywhere and get served. That's a pretty that's that's if you're an alcoholic, you know, if you if you drink because you like the effect of what alcohol does for you, that's a good thing. You know? And I started learning how to drink. You know?

I started being able to build up a tolerance, which I thought was outstanding, and I started, you know, boasting about that. And I remember coming home on leave one day, and and I'm matching every I bought a a a big bottle of Jack Daniels, and I'm matching everybody shot for shot in the car, and I blacked out. And then when I came to, somebody had thrown up on me. You know, me. They had gotten rid of me, and I was on the side of the road.

You know, apparently, I was, you know, I'm not pretty when I throw up. And, I was on the side of the road and, you know, I I the next recollection I got coming to, apparently, they had come and got me and stuck me behind my neighborhood at a at a playground. And I the next recollection I got, I'm coming to, and there's a steak top going through my pockets. And I'm an I'm only an alcoholic, but, you know, when I'm when I'm drinking, there's no filter mechanism that says if you do those other things, you'll get arrested for them, and and he almost found those other things in my pocket. But by god's grace, here I am.

He I'm coming to, and he's reaching for this pocket. And I'm handing him my military ID, my lead papers, and the cops just took me home. I didn't pay any consequences for that. The military, after 3 years, gave me an honorable discharge, but they asked me to leave and not come back. You know?

It might have been an indication of some unmanageability with alcohol. Okay? I got in trouble in every single country I went in except Japan. Okay? And the American Samoa.

Japan, they never let us off the plane. It's not a civilian plane, so they didn't serve drinks. America's, they they didn't let us out of their airport, and they kept an eye on us. But every other country I went to, I got in trouble as a direct result of drinking, you know, which might have been an, an indication of unmanageability. When I start to drink, I can't stop even back then.

You know, Korea had this I had a wonderful experience with Korea. They have this, Korean moonshine that's sold legally. It's called, soju, and it's got formaldehyde in it. And I used to, like, hear it. You dip cigarettes in there.

You can get high off of that stuff. Well, if you drink it with alcohol, you actually come to more drunk than when you blacked out or passed out. And I don't know about anybody else, but when I heard that, you know, there was a sergeant friend of mine. He he sergeant Smith, they said he got drunk 1 night and stayed drunk 3 days in a row from drinking that 1 night. Now I don't know about anybody else.

When I heard that, I'm I'm already there. You know, this was a year and a half, 2 years before we even went to Korea. I was there and couldn't wait to to experience that because it was just and that that was my experience. I stayed drunk for 2 days, not 3. But, you pay a consequence when you can't make it back to post on time.

You know? They all American forces, unless you live off post, are required to be at the gate no later than 11 o'clock. Now I can guarantee you, I do not look Korean. You know? And so when I showed up at, like, 1 or 2 o'clock in the morning at the gate, with with this guy that I got in trouble to within New Zealand for doing the same exact thing, we didn't look Korean.

He's white. I'm black. I mean, he's black. I'm white. You know, neither one of us look Korean, and sure enough, we paid a heavy price for that.

The same exact experience happened in New Zealand, except New Zealand, there was a guy that was taking us out, 6 of us out, and he was giving us free booze at at his Chinese restaurant that he owned. New Zealand loves American serviceman because we did a lot of stuff for them in Vietnam when, actually, they should be looking at it the other way around because we we were the ones that got into that conflict. But they love us, so you don't have to buy drinks if you're an an American serviceman in New Zealand. You know? And, they they they told us.

They lined us up. We know you've been going off post. You know? And you're not supposed to do that. You're a guest in this country, but we'll let you go.

Just don't do it again. But if you do, we'll catch you. Me and me and Corporal Black, we knew where we were going that night. We knew it for a fact. Four other guys apparently weren't alcoholic.

You know? And sure enough, when we came back, you know, they had taken all my stuff and all his stuff and the company CP. And, I paid a heavy price. I lost some rank for that, you know, that I worked hard for. You know?

But it was a small price to pay. I can't turn Can anybody hear, when you're actively drinking, turn away free booze? I see a whole bunch of ads going, no. You're just like me. You know?

And that's it. And no matter what the price is, I can't turn that away. It's like a it's a magnet, and I'm attracted to it in some unnatural force. You know? I get out of the military, and I applied to the Delaware State Police, and I got accepted.

Wait. It gets better. You know? I was supposed to take the test. That's all I had to do.

I got my high school diploma in there. I learned how to multiply, divide, and do fractions, and I'm sure I'm sure that I could have passed their test. I knew for a fact I could because I did high I'd I'd done all the studies through the University of Hawaii to get my high school diploma. All I had to do was take the test. And the same guy that's my Vietnam vet buddy said one day, he goes joking.

He said, how are you gonna bust people for what you like to do? And in my keen alcoholic mind, that made sense. You know, and I just let it go. 2 years later, I was in the, I going back to the military because I was basically unemployed, and, I was fixing helicopters. I didn't know how to fix helicopters, but that's what my job at the West said.

You know? And, I took a flight aptitude test and got offered an opportunity to go fly helicopters learn how to be a warrant officer and fly helicopters for the United States military. You know, Apaches and and Cobras and Hueys and that stuff. And I could have done it. I I barely passed the test, but the thing is it's a 300 question test.

If you get a 100 on it, you pass. I got, like, a 101, 102, something like that. I passed, and they offered me that opportunity. 2 months later, I'm sitting in federal prison as a direct result from my alcoholism. I heard a speaker from Jersey here a few weeks ago talk about that.

I dare anybody tell me that I went to jail for any other reason than my alcoholism because I was doing illegal things so I could drink longer. You know? It's like a friend of mine said last night, they they they told him if if the if the when they approached him with these chemicals, they said you can drink longer on them. He never once asked them, well, what what's the effect that's gonna cause or what's the damage? And that's how that's my experience too.

If it could make me drink longer, if it could keep me from getting sick, that's what I would do. You know? I got out on a, 32 hour furlough. I'm in a coed federal prison. That means there's women there.

No offense. You know? You can walk to the liquor store if you cannot get caught. I chose not to do that, but I figured on this 32 hour furlough, it's my very first visit. My mom comes to visit me, and all I wanna do is eat a bunch of bacon because they limit that in there.

And I wanna get drunk because I know I can give a cream breathalyzer. You see, I'm only alcoholic, and my best friend shows up again with my mom. And I start drinking, and he's he's a agricultural salesman. You know? And we debate how much of that agricultural stuff I can do and get away with and give a clean urine the next day.

And, 4 hits while drunk, seems, yeah, it's guaranteed to work. And I'm here to tell you, 2 weeks later, they shit me off. My urine came up positive, and I went to a maximum security penitentiary. You know? And I'm doing doing time with, people that the sopranos are labeled after.

You know? And my matter of fact, my cellmate was considered the head of the Rochester mafia. That doesn't make me special. It makes me like a goofball because I don't belong. You know what?

I really don't. I can I can coexist with those guys because I am a comedian? I can fit in anywhere. I I develop their mannerisms. I start talking like I'm Italian.

I'm kissing people on the cheek and stuff. You know? When I answer those guys, it's a nuisance, but I'm good to go get them coffee, and I fit in. You know? I get out on on on a, they finally had to release me.

I got my sentence reduced while I was in there, you know, and they finally had to release me. And I get out in my very first overnight pass from the halfway house up in Wilmington. All I wanna do is hook up with one of my old girlfriends, and I didn't have any other plans in that. And somebody handed me a drink, and I was off to the races, and I don't make it back for curfew call. And now I'm being woken to, come to with 2 of the guards from there getting ready to go back to federal prison because that's exactly where they could have sent me because I violated the rules.

And I know what the rules are because they explain them to you in-depth before you get out. You know? And I can't see it. You know? I don't see that my drinking's the problem.

I get out on parole and my this is what See, I talked about this the other night when I spoke. I have I don't know if you have this, but I have selective hearing. Okay? Somebody and I'll be sober. They'll tell me something, and I'll think it's something exactly opposite of what they said.

This is what I could swear, and I'd actually pass a lot of technical tests. I swore my, parole officer said, David, we know you got a problem with drugs, but you can drink. That's what I heard. And, I can guarantee you to this day if I was to go ask that, man, I can guarantee you that's not what he said. But as long as I figured I could drink, everything's gonna be okay when drinking's already so much a part of my life that I'm a full blown alcoholic back then, but I just don't see it.

And I wouldn't be able to see it for a long time. So what do drunks like me do when you can drink? You start you know, sometimes you might drive when drunk. You know, it killed, like, what, 48,000 people last year, you know, from drunken driving accidents. You know?

And, sometimes when you're out of liquor, what are you gonna do? Like, if you've been drinking on the job, you gotta get home. So I start driving drunk all the time. You know, I start developing nasty habits. Like, my personal favorite passing lane while drinking is the shoulder.

Why? It's mine. There's nobody there, so why not use it to pass somebody? You know? These people aren't good drivers anyway.

You know? And and they didn't get out of my way when I tailgated. Clear indication. Yeah. And so, I started having accidents.

Last one, I nearly killed somebody that was in my vehicle. They got thrown out of my vehicle when we hit a bush. We left 4 sets of tire track. You know? And, you know, I end up in AA courtesy of, a drinking and driving program.

My my my 3rd or 4th 1. You know? And I was failing that, but the guy made me a deal. He said, last few weeks, you know, you're gonna fail. You're not gonna get your license back, but I'll make a deal if you go to AA.

I'll give you a license back, and I came very next day. I didn't wanna drink anymore. I stopped doing those unlicensed pharmaceuticals a couple weeks before that. And about a week prior to that meeting, I had actually stopped drinking, and I was crying and shaking myself to sleep every night. I had mild PTs, not full blown ones, just mild ones.

And I stayed sober as a result of that for two and a half years. March of 1992 till around the same time, 1995, two and a half years. I took martial arts. I never could fight my way out of a paper bag, and I figured, you know, martial arts would be a good thing. And I got people that I developed that that literally had put they wanted to kill me as what some of the stuff my actions that I had done back in the eighties.

So I figured I better learn how to defend myself, and I actually found more interest in martial arts than I did in AA. After a while getting beat up by 15 year olds when you're in your late twenties, it's kinda humiliating. They get mind you, you knock a this is my experience. You knock a 15 year old that you're sparring down, they get up like that. They knock you down with the same power or greater.

You don't get up like that when you're my age. You know? It takes a little while. And so martial arts didn't do didn't fill it in here anymore, didn't fill that part of self, and I left. I was almost a black belt.

I invested a lot of time, money, and I left because it didn't fill the self that needed to be filled. I didn't know that then. I just said everybody I that that that it was so bad that that that the top rated master in the state of Maryland, he was one of my instructors. He called me up and begged me, please come back. You can you can eventually teach.

I wouldn't do it. I came up with excuses. And then what it was really what it was really was self was being violated, was being threatened while I was there. You know? And my ego which is my ego is not getting filled.

You know? And, soon after I left that, I left AA and the next thing because at the end of my AA experience during that time, I would go to Westminster House and do katas outside the meeting and stuff. And, yeah, that some people I could imagine, there was this moron out there doing martial arts. Yeah. You didn't see it.

You went sober there. You know? But the thing was is it didn't steal my ego. And the next thing I know, I'm drinking again. And it got bad toward the end of that year, and I came running back to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I stayed here the next time, four and a half years. I read my big book. I could have sworn test, passed a lie detector test. Did I get everything that was outlined in that book? And I'm here to tell you in my experience that it is today, I didn't do half of what was suggested in that book.

It's no wonder that I had to leave Alcoholics Anonymous to go get done because if you're a real alcoholic of my type and you don't do what's required, which is action while you're here, you start to die inside. This is way before you pick up a drink. You start suffering from page 52 in our big book. That's the second or third paragraph down. We start having problems with personal relationships.

We become afraid of misery and depression. I start refocusing on everybody else being the problem, but if you've done the steps, you know that you are the problem if you're the alcoholic. You know? And I'm forced to leave AA again. You know?

I used to go I I mentioned this at yeah. I used to go to this meeting off the Beltway. Some of you might have been to it. The average length of time at that meeting on that Saturday at 11 o'clock is about 40 years. And it's a crowd about half the size.

And I would get what they said, and I would come back up and regurgitate it in the Maya a little. And I would sound like it's my well, I was trying to sound like it's my experience. Why in my because I wanted to be, you know, hey. Attaboy. You sound so good.

During that time, I sponsored 1 person, unfortunately for them. I I'm not joking about that. Unfortunately for them, I could have killed that guy with the garbage I was dishing out. You know? I left Alcoholics Anonymous because I I misread a line, which I did a lot, sometimes still do in the big book where it says heavy drinkers sometimes drink like alcoholics.

It's in the line of of where they're trying to differentiate the difference between a proper heavy drinker versus the real alcoholic. And, of course, selective hearing, selective eyesight, selective brain patterns. I I interpret things in my own way. And what that said in my mind was when I stuck a needle in my arm, that was my problem. It was never the booze, and I left AA convinced that I wasn't an alcoholic.

I just was a drug addict. You know? And if I just don't do those other things, I'll be okay. You know? What happened from that point on was the mental obsession exactly as predicted by the big book would start to plague me on a daily basis because you can't escape alcohol.

Does anybody know anywhere in the world that you can get away and not be around alcohol? Maybe in Saudi Arabia, maybe in Iran, but it's kinda hard to look at it when there's a liquor store in pretty much every street corner at most cities. And if you're in construction, it's really hard to be around people that aren't gonna drink during the day, smoke pot on the scalp, or do unlicensed pharmaceuticals in this. I work construction. You know?

And, but it was just a thought process. Can I drink every day? I woke up like that. And then it was, can I drink safely? Can I drink safely and control it?

And then finally, can I drink safely, control it, and enjoy it? Because I don't know about you all. That was one of the greatest obsessions of trying to control my drinking and enjoying it at the same time because it seems like when I could control, I didn't enjoy it. And it wasn't much of control anyway because I could hit it one day. I drink one beer, but I try to do that the next day, and I'm off to the races.

And then when I'm drunk, I'm doing all my other secondary infections, which I swore I swore because I'm married. I took a hostage. You know? That's not her reaction, by the way. And we got kids, and and I don't wanna live that way.

And and at the very end in my and this is the last I wanna talk about that part of my life is before I got here, was I was begging the creator of the universe who I choose to call today God, and I knew it was God then to kill me. You know? Let I remember saying God specifically, and I've said this before from the podium. Father, let Social Security let me have a massive coronary so Social Security will pay so my kids may eat. I don't know about you all.

I got a handicapped wife, no disability at the time. She can't work, and I'm the only breadwinner, and we have a lot of bills. I have a lot of stuff, and you get that stuff sober. Sober, you can get a lot of stuff, but it's stuff. And in my experience, if if if your happiness is based on stuff, when it leaves, you leave.

Your self leads. And that's not how God intended us, I believe, to be happy. At least that's not my experience today. You know? And, you know, there's a line in in to the wise.

A lot of people don't find too much use for that chapter, but there's a line in there that's apropos from my experience. Says the armored car could not have brought the paycheck home safe enough. Anybody ever had that experience? Yeah. You secondary infection people probably know exactly what I'm talking about.

You know? And, July 21st, see, I went to AA in June of that year, and there was a guy came up to me and said, if you ever want help, please help please call me, and I will come and help you. The hand at AA reached out for me when I was visiting AA. And I'm here to tell you all my other experiences, even though I stayed here for years, I was only visiting Alcoholics Anonymous, probably getting ready to stay here this time because I believe this time I have permanent sobriety. No.

I'm not in the ground yet, but I am a recovered alcoholic. The obsession has been removed. I don't suffer from alcoholism. That's a mistake that a lot of fellowships does. Read the very first page where it says alcoholics anonymous, the story of how many thousands of men and women have recovered from alcoholism.

People don't like that. I'm a recovered alcoholic. You know what? If you've done the steps, that's what you're all supposed to be because that's what the outside professional health that taught this to Bill, Bob, and everybody else who founded it. Read a a comes of age.

They the doctors, they have a bunch of letters from the doctor. They call us that. That's where Bill got the term from. We've had the psyche change. It's been renewed.

I don't have to fight it anymore. Thank god. But I came back to Alcoholics Anonymous. July 21, 2001, it's not my sobriety date. July 22nd, it is.

You know, I met that guy there that night at PACE, you know, and, at that meeting in the PACE building. And in my experience, I didn't get the relief that I had gotten in AA because I could come to AA every other time, sit in where you guys are sitting, and not have to take any actions. And I felt okay at least for a while. But, see, because I believe I was in and this is just my experience, I could be totally delusional about this. I believe I was in the end of my alcoholism.

You know, I was homicidal and suicidal, and I was dying. You know? And I was gonna be burned and and and and forged in the fire of untreated alcoholism that I had never experienced before. Because sitting in AA meetings and people would start to talk about their kids and the bad stuff that happened to them while they were drinking that they would do to their kids, like the abandonment and all that stuff, I would start getting hit with my experiences of of when I would go get done at night and and wake my my kid my oldest kid who likes to play with whiders. You know?

And I remember going and getting done one night and waking him up to watch the 3 younger ones. And those secondary infections, you might run through a lot of thick lighters, you know, when you like to to see the the, Prudential Man piece of the rock. You know? And not to make light of what I did, I remember I remember going up to go get go get some of those secondary infections because I wasn't done. And I remember that thought that that there's light is all over the house, and then I'm gonna come home to a house that's burned down and the kids are gonna be dead.

And how I just ignored that because the obsession was so great that I had to keep going to go get done. See, I'm a real alcoholic. I have real obsessions that that don't sit there and you can't think these things through. That's a lie in Alcoholics Anonymous that that is that it's garbage. Think think think think to drink through.

Show me in the big book where it's gonna I'm gonna when I when that obsession is on me and I'm a real alcoholic where I'm gonna be able to think that, that I'm gonna be I'm gonna have the ability to bring to the forefront of my mind the consequences that I'm gonna pay for what I'm gonna do to get done. If you're a real alcoholic, the big book says specifically, you can't do that from their experience. And there was, like, almost a 100 of them that wrote that, and that was their combined unified experience. So I can't do that. I can't think that stuff through.

But when I'm sitting in here sober and I'm so full of guilt and remorse and shame in AA, I have to be a shoe inspector because I'm not even worthy to be here, and I know it because I belong dead. And somebody hits that, and then my mind goes off on that, and it just torches me to death. You know? That resulted me almost putting a truck into a telephone pole on the way to an AA meeting, cussing God at the same time. Thank god for the anti suicide device in in vehicles.

Airbag? Yeah. Because I looked down at that, and I had a moment of clarity. You don't wanna do that to your family, David. And something caused me to turn the vehicle away.

You know? Let's talk about recovery, you know, my experience because it's it's it's way better than what it was like to get here. My god. I am not the same person here. Ask any of my that have felt the presence of god.

Ask my family. Ask any of those people that the the gift that AA has given them that I've had the privilege of being part of. Anything I say from this point on is just my experience. I don't sit up here and say any of this stuff to make you feel bad if you're not doing what I do because it what I do is between God and me. Just like what you do is between God and yourself.

You know? So don't measure what I do with what you're doing because it probably won't measure up or it may be greater than I. You know? And that's not what I'm up here to do. I'm here to share in a general way what I do like today.

I got a sponsor. I was given a sponsor. I did not pick my sponsor. Thank god I didn't pick somebody I could identify with. Homicidal and suicidal.

That would have been a good way to die. You know? They they felt pity on me, and they gave me a sponsor in a meeting down in Baltimore. Harbor City speakers. What a great meeting.

This meeting is is mimicked after that. You know, that's where we we came about. Most of us came about with really great sobriety, from being inspired from people that had singleness of purpose to carry this message. What message? The message that's carried in the big book, not my message.

I don't do my program. My program got me into mental institutions. It got me locked up. It got me drinking again from a sober state. So I don't do that.

You know? And I don't criticize anybody who wants to do their program. That's between you and God. It's none of my business. I just don't have to do my program.

He took me right through the steps on the way down to an AA meeting. They didn't wait to do a step a month. They took me right down to a meeting, and on the way down there, we did the first four steps on the way to a meeting. He asked me if I knew what a doctor's opinion was, and I read that book I told you every day the last time I was here. I think I did.

I had no clue where the doctor's opinion was. That's pretty bad. You know? It's in the Roman numeral section, and my thing is, who reads the Roman numerals? You know?

I didn't know. Yeah. But he took me through, and he gave me the best of what he had. He passed on his experience and his time. He that guy, he always made sure I had a seat, and he always had a car full of guys that were willing to travel with him.

They told me, don't speak in AA meetings because nobody wants what you have, Dave. And then he coupled that with, you you don't want what you have either. And I could tell you for a fact, I did not want what I had. They said, but you can speak in mental institutions and detox. They said you can't hurt the people with the slippers.

They're highly medicated, and if you think you're getting to them, you know, they're probably peeing on themselves. And so for 5 months, that's the only place I spoke. I can tell you this. My my sponsor I now had, I remember to this day, the very first meet that very first time I spoke at detox. And I remember coming out of there and saying, my god.

I used to be so eloquent the last time that I spoke in AA. And my now sponsor looked at me and he said, David, I heard you when you were last on, and you weren't elephant and you weren't passing on a message of hope. And it made me feel about that big. But thank God, sometimes in myself, I need to be put back down into a position to where I'm gonna learn. And if I'm humble enough and realize that these people aren't doing it to hurt my feelings, they're doing it to save my ass and save my life and give me a life worth living.